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About BojanB

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  1. Day 3... ...was awesome. Kept smiling for no reason. Woke up, did my morning routine, did 2 runs, I'm addicted to them and had a yoga class in the evening. Physical activity is the best therapy for me. Spent the evening finish a great book and I turned in. Tomorrow I'm visiting a great friend in another city, really looking forward to that.
  2. Sorry to hear about Matthew. In my personal experience those kind of things never get better but that doesn't keep up from hoping they would, sometimes for a long time. I'm curious, are you into running?
  3. Thanks Cam, you'd love it, especially now in the summer.
  4. Worked for that kind of a boss also. No matter how hard you push yourself it's never enough. Still I now know I'll never repeat that mistake. Glad things are working out for you. We use games and other instant gratification to block out pain and distract ourselves but it never works. At least it never did for me. Pain only grew. It's only when these things are out of the picture that the room opens up in our lives for positive things to enter it. Looking forward to your next entry.
  5. Day 2 Yesterday I've set up a morning routine, took notes on Respawn and set tasks for today. I've deleted my Blizzard account and all my games and I've set up Cold Turkey on my laptop. I've set it up so well that I have to write this on my phone, because for some reason I'm locked out all day. Oh well.. I also have a few rules I'm implementing. - I don't stay in my house at all until 8 PM when I return from the library. - I don't use the internet in house at all. Whatever it is, I do it elsewhere. - Get up at 6, no questions asked. - I get up, journal, meditate, go for a run, shower, get out of the house. Now for the actual journal part: Today was brutal. It was the second worst I've ever felt in my life. I woke up in anguish, just this dull emotional pain. It was a sense of overwhelming fatigue, apathy and hurt. Once before I've hurt this bad and I knew it would be unbearable. This is the kind of pain that you can't chase away with pills, games or porn. All those things might push you over the edge into places you don't want to go. I knew there was only one thing I coulf possibly do. Run. I picked myself up the best I could, drove to the track in a daze and than ran 3 miles. Started to drive back home, but turned around and ran 3 more. Demon has been fed. My emotions was the most part cleared up. Darkness has lifted, and even glimpses of joy came in. As I'm writing this, half a day went by, by I feel fine now. Like ok. Soon I'll head out for yoga, and then close day 2. This too shall pass, wish you all the very best.
  6. Thanks Logi, the same to you!
  7. Thanks Hitaru, means a lot to open up and get supported not shamed, like in my RL. I'm not going anywhere. Here to stay and to give support back.
  8. Loneliness is a big one I think. I'm not sure if loneliness comes first and self medication second or it's more intertwined but I used porn and video games to block it out as well. As for your title, I definitely think you can have both. And it might be common I think, to have such a fragile ego that you build yourself up like nothing hurts and you need no one to cover it up. That's what I did/still do sometimes. Being vulnerable feels like it would be worse than death and I am really impressed that you called in about those parties and told about your social anxiety. Really nice work. I don't know how to do that myself tho with my issues. I've built myself up over the years as an uber chill, cool, even keeled guy. How do I come out and admit that I'm really terrified and people's opinions matter a lot to me? That I fear rejection worse than needles and knives. Anyways, hit me up if you ever need to chat, we can exchange Whatsapp or something, and if you ever feel like you need someone to talk or to prevent a relapse, hit me up.
  9. Hey guys. I'm Bojan from Croatia, EU, 30 and addicted to porn and video games to a lesser degree. Few years back I reached rock solid bottom. I was gaming all day, and when I wasn't I'd use porn. I was in so much emotional pain and anxiety that I couldn't recognize the scared being I had become. From a fairly open individual I completely withdrew into myself, almost never left the house and dropped out of college for a few years. Then came my rock bottom, and with it I had to make a choice. Either I was dead, or I was turning it all around. I just couldn't bear the pain of that existence. In a period of 2 years I turned it mostly around, became very famous at my college for leading an organization, and did well generally. But somehow I lost my discipline and while never returning to binging I was back to occasionally gaming for weeks at a time and back to occasional porn. This brings me to this moment. I'm still not independent. I am still addicted. I played video games because I excelled at them and got validated from them both internally and by my gamer friends. Porn allowed me to stay isolated, pretending I don't need anyone, to protect my delicate self - esteem and avoiding risking rejection from girls. What girls I did date, always approached me and I basically took what I could get. I am feeling overwhelmed right now. I cannot live this way any longer. I deteriorate if I don't do something meaningful and if I don't do it in a way that's impressive. When I led a student organization I had those needs satisfied and gamed only rarely. Now I'm unemployed, in a small town, with no friends, and two addictions on my back. I want meaningful connections in my life, I want love. I want to do meaningful work and to help more than myself. Mostly I struggle with being in the house too much which I call my 'heroin room'. I get up to 2 weeks of abstinence and productivity but since all my actions seem forced, eventually I break down and relapse. But I really can't do this anymore, this is too painful. Years are passing me by, and I'm stuck in place. Single, no friends, 'figuring stuff out', my intelligence card is wearing out thin and I can't respect myself when I can't provide for myself and when I'm still hung up on addictions. I journal in my notebook, but I will also write a post here every day. Also for ANY of you that need someone to talk to, I'll share my Whatsapp and I'll be there for you whenever you need me. Let's help each other, move on with our lives, and live the life we're proud to live, being the men we're proud to be.
  10. Hello everyone. Name's Bojan, I'm from Croatia, EU and I'm 30 years old. I started exactly like Cam. First game was Starcraft and I was instantly blown away by it. Gaming for me was always about being really good at it, knowing the game in such a way that was rare and impressive to my other gaming friends. In a sense it gave me a feeling of accomplishment, success, and validation from my friends about being 'smart' because my games always involved creating character builds and strategy. I was drawn to the fact that I could follow certain and distinct actionable steps and I would INEVITABLY get the result I wanted. Shame that I never felt that in real life, you never know if you're going to achieve something or even what's the best way to go about achieving something. So much uncertainty and therefore paralysis by over analysis. Still I feel that gaming is only part of the problem for me. Gaming was really a big part of my high school and college life but at the same time porn was the other side of the coin. Like gaming, it was highly stimulative, it offered me escape and I got not face my intimacy issues or risk my fragile self esteem by risking it with women, and what girls I did get, approached me first. I find myself now at a point of disgust. I am sick and tired of just existing, killing time, hiding within my tiny comfort zone, pretending I'm the shit, and nothing hurts me. I want to face my demons, I want to free myself from these crutches and move on with my life. I want to stop porn and I want to stop video games (success porn for me) and mend what needs to be mended. I'm terrified of dropping it all at once to be honest. I have basically no friends here where I live, and little in a way hobbies. I feel overwhelmed and anxious but I cannot stay the same anymore. I'm just getting more miserable and my problems aren't going away. I'm here for any of you that need or just want to chat, if times get tough. Hit me up and we can exchange Whatsapp, and I'll be there for you whenever you need me.