Karma

Nate, I read most of your posts. You're doing great! I read The Power of Habit and it is a really great book. I've been in a huge neuroscience kick, hoping these studies will finally tell us all how to FINALLY quit X or stop doing Y or start Z'ing. I also live in Seattle and visit a friend of mine who lives in Vancouver WA frequently. Japonessa was a good restaurant choice!

Even though I had stopped gaming, I still watched games on YouTube until April 29, when I had an experience with Spirit telling me to quit it already! (a story for another time perhaps) So I had not played any games or watched any gaming videos since then. Day 15 Fast forward to today. Hoo boy, my temptation to game came on a bit stronger today, but I held firm and did not give in! What was my trigger? I was really friggin' lonely. So I started reaching out to everyone I knew on like every social platform... I texted friends/family, facebook messaged people, instagrammed others, etc. I ended up talking to my best friend from back home for 2 hours, which really helped. It's very helpful to know what feeling you are trying to remedy by gaming and then eliminate THAT directly. For me, it was the lack of connection, the isolation, the loneliness. If I gamed, I could create an artificial connection with virtual characters and escape my problems. But the cause of the feeling is that I'm not connecting to people, real people. So I consider it a win, despite a major struggle.

I don't know if it's appropriate to start a brand new journal or just add onto my old one. I think I'll just add on. Hey, all! My pride made me think I can stay off games without any help. And I was wrong. Posted in the relapse section.

Hi, It's been a very long time since I've posted here. I was too proud to admit that I had let my gaming get the better of me. I originally quit gaming in November 2015. This was before Game Quitters had its own website and was just on Reddit. I stayed off them for months, and began working with Cam as a personal coach in 2016. But I was complacent and played with my addiction fast and loose. I still watched Youtube gaming videos for several months into my sobriety. Some would argue that I never really quit gaming, though with how far down the rabbit hole I was, I saw it as a vast improvement. Eventually, though, I did realize that the videos weren't helping me and I put them to an end. And I did feel noticeably better after about a week of not watching them (mood improved, brain fog went away, etc.). Of course, these positive effects occurred to a large extent once I stopped gaming itself, but the videos kept those effects clinging on kind of without my notice. I even made some posts online telling others it was okay to watch videos and do "whatever works for you." I was quickly called out for being a bad influence, and I got defensive. But in hindsight, I see that they were right. I was still watching videos till I was inspired to buy and play a game for 2 full days in July 2016. After the 2 days I was disgusted with myself and stopped not only the games but the videos. Anyway, to the point. I moved to the Pacific Northwest of the U.S. from California in February 2017. It wasn't the first large move I had made, but having to start over yet again at step one regarding making friends and building a social network (which for a strong introvert who doesn't like nightlife... hard to make friends!)... it was very daunting. My new job also requires lots of travel... I'm flying to another part of the country 2 weeks every month. So I'm not able to set roots down for long. One of the things I used to cope was watch Youtube gaming videos. This wasn't actually GAMING, so I hadn't actually relapsed. I tried playing some casual games on the phone. These seemed to have no effect... I would play them a bit and then stop, with no desire to return. But those plane rides are long sometimes and reading books is great for a bit, but gets boring. I've also weirdly had problems with watching movies. They're too damn long! Anyway. So I started gaming on the plane rides. I said "only when I'm on the plane!". (classic addict bargaining) And that didn't last of course. And then I would post on social media about me struggling and I would get back on the wagon. Then the next time I would relapse a little worse, because then I would play something at home. Then feel depressed and anxious, realize it's the gaming, and stop. This week was bad. I had been watching gaming videos again for a certain tactical strategy game. I downloaded the game before this week then went to work elsewhere. When I returned home very late Sunday... I went to work the next day, then I played a lot that night. The next morning, I woke up and said "I'm calling into work." And I played games ALL DAY. Then the next day I said "I'm calling in again." And I spent the morning playing. Then I made sure to get out of the apartment and take a walk because I knew this was crazy and I was starting to feel irritable and paranoid but the gaming felt so gooddddddd and I missed it so much and my brain was so happyyyyyy. But then I was so sadddd and frustrated and pissy. I played in smaller chunks because I knew what the hell was happening to me. Today I did go to work, and I was going to game again when I got home but I made it a point to take a long walk first. Then I called a friend. And now I'm just like... I can't go back into it. I just can't. I'm very mad at myself for this. Since I worked with Cam personally I also feel like a fool and that I have let him down. I feel like I wasted his time. And I've been too proud to admit how bad my addiction is. Since I first quit in 2015, I NEVER called out of work again to game. Prior to that, it was a frequent thing I would do. Like at LEAST monthly, if not more. This week, calling out of work... I mean, that to me is a huge warning flag. I'm not okay. The gaming is filling another void I have, I know. But I am writing this here to let others like me know. Because I was pissed off that none of my friends are gaming addicts and understand how it feels. I feel like they don't get it or that it's stupid. And that just infuriates me and makes me feel stupid and pathetic. Anyway, back to Day 1.

Today was day 1 of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I wrote 1707 words today! To stay on track for writing the goal of 50,000 total words in a month, I would have to write 1,667 words per day. So I have about 4 pages-ish of text so far. I'm writing kind of stream-of-consciousness style. Like, my novel is totally going in a direction I wasn't planning on and it's probably a little cliche as well. It's interesting how I'm combining real-life stuff into the novel and taking parts of me and putting them into my characters to give them some more three-dimensionality. Ate eggs this morning and peanut butter. Which is odd cuz I was starving at like 10AM and usually I was good till at least 11. Drank water. I did do some porn. Listened to podcast. Listened to a guy named Rob Dial and he sounded a lot like Cam to me. Which was interesting.

I stretched this morning, ate eggs, drank water. I listened to a podcast. No porn this morning. I am in the processing of signing up for a glass blowing class, which I think I'll take next week. I booked a sound healing session for 5pm on Wednesday. I booked a Taiko drumming class for 7pm on Thursday. Why the hell not? Having fun now. I have this strong sense that I won't be living in my city for long, so I'm trying to enjoy what I can. My boss today told me he was called for a reference, which is yet another good sign that I may get my new job which will require me to move. Let's see. Brought a sandwich to eat lunch (saving money. the cheese and meat were vegetarian-fed. Yes, the bread is not paleo.). Halloween at work today. Dressed up as a crazy hobgoblin, people liked it. Dinner was some terriyaki chicken I got from Whole Foods. Ate some cheese and crackers. Had some berries. Drank some cashew milk with Vega smoothie. Little bit of chocolate milk. Definitely different than what I used to eat (like a frozen pizza, then tons of cookies). But now I'm just kind of tired. Physically. So I think I'll go lie down and read for a bit before falling asleep. Although I need to do dishes first, so I'll do that I suppose. Looking forward to starting my novel tomorrow! I did some brainstorming yesterday. I actually have some stories and characters that have been in my head since literally I was seven years old that have evolved as I have gotten older, so I'm planning on using them and allowing them to see the light of day. So that'll be neat. And apparently "that'll" is not a proper English word, per this spell checker?? That's odd. I did watch some porn this afternoon and it ended up taking an hour, which is typical... and I was like ugh this is a waste of my time. I mean, if I can get 'er done in 5 minutes, whatever. But, like, it's a time commitment man. And it's obnoxious. Maybe a pill would help. LOL. Mostly kidding. This astrology podcast is bizarre, talking about Hillary Clinton's birth time and how it's been a mystery. That's very odd.

OK, so I've been a bad boy and not writing my daily updates here.... I... have been afraid to make all the changes that have been proposed for me. And I don't like that I feel this way. I feel I can do anything I want. But yet when push comes to shove, I have fear. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being uncomfortable. Fear of pain. Fear of failure. Fear of even putting myself in a situation I may fail. Just easier to not even participate, so the failure is on my own terms, and doesn't feel as bad, because " I didn't really try anyway." My goal was to "give 100%, not 40%." I have a really hard time going full throttle 100% though. And I realize that this is not the way I'm wired. Now, maybe this is me making an excuse. Maybe this is me just not willing to give 100% for the reasons in the previous paragraph, and it's my ego protecting myself. But even with video games, I tried quitting many times before I finally stopped playing almost a year ago. And even when I stopped playing, I still watched Let's Plays for about 6 months before I had a 2-day relapse and once that happened I completely cut out the games and now the addiction isn't even there. Every once in a while I'll replay some video game type thing in my head, but they are getting rarer and rarer. So there's two ways for me to look at this experience. I can look at it as... I make changes incrementally and then I solidify it after yo-yo'ing a bunch of times. Or I can look at it as I wasn't committed till that last relapse and then I realized wow, gaming is a waste of time and I do not identify with it and I'm done. Can I turn this switch to "on" without going through this yo-yo'ing? Honestly... I don't believe yet I have this ability. Which I hate admitting to this weakness. I honestly don't believe I can just flip the switch because I don't have any experience of doing it. I don't even know how it feels to do that. I know my ex-boyfriend was the type who could do this... he said "I'm going to quit smoking" and then he just DID IT. And I was like... wtf? haha. My friend Corey living in Vancouver is also the same way... he just can make changes like "that" and he actually doesn't understand people who can't do that. It's kind of interesting from a neurological philosophy kind of thing. But the fact is... I see myself as a certain way and how am I going to get there? OK. It's not all doom and gloom, though. I have made a lot of positive changes incrementally. I have still been doing about 40% instead of 100%. But... what is 40%? The activities, ways of thinking, etc, that make up 40% are IMO increasing as time goes on. Let's look at all the things I said would do over the past week or so, just from my shoddy memory. Eggs at breakfast in the morning? Today, Sunday, yes (this is the first weekend day I have EVER done this) Saturday, no Friday, yes Thursday, no Wednesday, no Tuesday, no Monday, no Stretching Every day, no Glass of water Every day, no Journaling Every day, no OK, this looks terrible. However, there are other things I've done. I am reading more. I am listening to podcasts a LOT now and I am barely watching any TV at home. And I have been researching a LOT about the paleo diet. I'm sure this is the diet I am going to live by. To me, it makes sense more than any other diet I've researched. I have been eating healthy dinners for the most part. There are two exceptions where I had fast food, and I felt TERRIBLE. Yesterday, I went to Burger King and I couldn't finish the chicken sandwich and I took a picture of it and my face of disgust, to remind myself of how I was feeling at that moment. Then I went to Whole Foods and bought a bunch of healthy food. I've been to Whole Foods twice and though it's EXPENSIVE like holy shit expensive, I feel GOOD after eating anything from there. So my mindset I can tell is shifting. I also did social things last weekend with groups of friends and I'm chatting a bit more with people. I talked to someone random in a bubble tea place on Friday, which I don't normally do. Like, I'm doing little things. Now, something else happened just today that was interesting. Cam recommended seeing Tony Robbins in San Jose in a couple weeks. My reaction, after some research, was to take a SECOND nap of an hour and a half today. Why? I realized that I was overwhelmed at the thought of signing up, including taking time off work and the expense, and also the knowledge that yes it probably would be great for me so the whole "fear of missing out", and yet, I'm already doing all these other things slowly but surely, and I was just like FUCK I don't even know if this is something I should be considering. Now what. Shit. I'm going to bed. So I did. Man. So I have been putting off doing creative things. I think it was a divine sort of message that I looked on facebook 2 days ago and saw a post from a friend that she was joining the NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month of November) I was like.... well THIS will get me to start writing! I have to write a 50,000 page novel in a month. I have had so much feedback from different sources telling me to write more and to write in a stream of consciousness style like I'm doing right now. I've had psychics tell me this, my coach is telling me this, friends have suggested it, etc. So you know what, let's do it. I still have these things on my list as well to do soon: Meeting with a psychic (I have had this connection with him but have not yet met him, so I feel like I need to just do this), sound healing session (which may lead to signing up for some sound healing courses), a glass blowing course (im already emailing the owner of the place), swimming course (haven't done anything with this yet), taiko drumming (there's a groupon for it...), martial arts (i am overwhelmed about where to go with this), and... a sex club. I'm living in a very liberal city with some interesting stuff going on and I want to experience what I can before I move. I don't want to jinx anything, but I also interviewed for a job last Wednesday that I feel I have a good shot of getting. If I do, I would have to leave the state I'm living in and it would happen in a couple months. Soooo I really need to experience everything I need to in this city while I can. I also did some walking tours of the city using an app. I did one in a seedy neighborhood and I got harassed by one guy halfway through so I abandoned ship and powerwalked the hell out of there, lol. But I think I would finish it later, just at a different time. So I'm getting more adventurous and less fearful. Even 6 months ago I would never have even done that tour out of fear.

I am still consistently eating breakfast in the mornings, at least during the week (the weekend is not so consistent). This is a big improvement for me. This morning I had run out of eggs, but I had some leftover beef, eggplant, and tomatoes that I had cooked a prior day. That had protein and fat in it, so it had a similar satiating effect. By lunchtime I wasn't starved, though I did feel a little worse than when I would have four eggs and peanut/almond butter. So I'm learning what's working. Going to a fashion show (?!) on Thursday which is cool! I guess they will be showcasing like LED clothes and stuff, it's very tech-industry focused. Should be super cool. Work for the most part has been excellent. This ongoing drama with the employee and the feedback had another episode today, but it's nothing I can't handle and I think in the long run it will all work out. In order to push through, we have to have some discomfort and some conflict. Huh. It's the same as improving oneself. See, I can so easily see what I need to do when it doesn't involve myself. To make a better employee, have the hard conversations early and hold them accountable, they won't like it at first and it'll be hella awkward, but in the end the relationship will improve way more than if you just ignored the issues. Same can be said for personal development... if there are things you want to change, better to have the difficult conversation with yourself first and hold yourself accountable to make changes... it'll feel wicked awkward but then you'll be way better off. Procrastination is a killer. I also went to Whole Foods yesterday and bought some stuff... holy shit they're expensive. It doesn't help that I decided to splurge on expensive cheeses, crackers, premade meals, etc. But their food is delicious! It's a little out of the way to get there from where I live, but their food is stellar and I feel great after eating it. I had some persimmons from the farmers market last week with some cheese from whole Foods and some "artisan" crackers. I found out I really like persimmons! Never really knew that. They don't have persimmons where I used to live, so I never had them growing up. It's like a brown sugar kind of flavor. Really interesting. After listening to a sound healing podcast, I finally got my old Tibetan singing bowl out from my nook and started gonging it and burning incense. Getting down with my mystical side. It's nice. Things on my to-do list now: Sign up for swimming lessons at the swim club in town Sign up for a sound healing class in the city (something I'm interested in) Create a haunted house "schedule" with Jeff (the friend who has been kicking my ass in a good way)

Sorry, didn't update for a couple days on here. Friday was another good day. I ate my eggs and everything in the morning and everyone was pretty nice and happy at work. I think when I'm in a good mood, it rubs off on others. I noticed that I'm also not craving coffee as much. I'm starting to have more tea, which is great for me since I can have tea without a lot of sweetener in it, while my coffee I load on with a lot of crap. Yesterday, Saturday, was a learning experience and humbling experience yet again. I was going to go to a friend's 30th birthday party. I ended up lounging around the apartment without going anywhere for a bit and ended up sleeping off and on till like 4pm. So I didn't make it to the party (it was 3-7pm, an hour away). I got out of bed and made my healthy meal and finished reading my "Winning Through Intimidation" book and put on some podcasts. There were a couple about social anxiety I listened to and they reaffirmed everything I've been learning through my past therapy as well as my life coaching. It's about being vulnerable to others and grateful for what you got. (Grateful for my warm bed and having a place to sleep away from the rain, grateful for booking flights to see my parents this holiday season and that I'm able to go, grateful for having friends who care more for me than I think they do.) I facebook messaged both hosts of the party and explained, for the first time possibly, that I didn't go because of social anxiety and that I really like everybody and I was really mad that my anxiety took over and that I was sorry. Both said not to worry, and one of them invited me to another gathering for next weekend at a haunted house. This invite actually just came about like 3 hours ago. You have no idea how nice that was. I felt sure that this was going to be "the last straw" and that they would never invite me anywhere ever again and they would all unfriend me and just shun me for being so rude and mean. But that of course didn't happen. So I am grateful for learning that lesson. I think it helped that I was honest with them, instead of making up some white lie like "Oh, something came up" or "I felt really sick" which were my old standbys. I mean, I feel like I'm really weak and stupid saying I didn't go somewhere because of anxiety. And abnormal. And I don't want to be judged, but at the same time, I do want to be understood. I really want to be understood that I'm a nice person who cares about people and that I want everyone to be happy and I just want friends and a mate and all the things everyone else wants in life. It's so hard. I made a plan yesterday that I would Facebook post to all my friends some of my struggles with anxiety, to come clean about it, and to just explain that I'm working on it and it's getting better. I think I'll feel better when that's done. Today I went to a pumpkin festival in the morning and a gaming group session over someone's house with 8 people in the afternoon. So I was out from like 8:30AM to 9:30PM, so not too shabby. Oh, and yesterday, I didn't just give up on the day. I went out and went to a halloween store and bought a bunch of decorations for the office. I'm very excited to put them up! And the cashier who helped me was so nice. There were some items on clearance, which is rare, so I got them but weren't sure if they worked properly. She went out of her way to change the batteries and everything and test everything out to make sure they worked. She also gave me a coupon code to save even more money. Her name was Tiarra. Very sweet girl. And I am happy with my electrocution box, inflatable coffin, butcher hooks, zombie owl, and zombie doll! Perfect!

Today was another good day. Stuck with my morning routine, though I really didn't want to stay out of bed! I did, though. Did my stretches, wrote things I was grateful for, ate my four eggs with some almond butter. It was good. I got a bunch of things yesterday from a farmer's market that's every Wednesday near my work. I got eggplant, tomatoes, persimmons, almond butter, strawberries, and garlic cheese curds. It's a random mix to be sure! But why not? Today was really calm at work. I also am working to build morale in the office and I'm planning this activity for everyone to work together in a team-building exercise. I love that shit. I love doing things like this that can bring people together. I love moderating activities. I love teaching and instructing others as well. So that really turns my crank. I got to buy some spaghetti, tape, and marshmallows to prepare. I had given some feedback to an employee at the end of the day yesterday and I was curious what I would feel like. I actually felt relieved after doing it, and today I felt completely fine about it. I felt like I was sticking up for myself and really valuing myself as well as setting a positive example for others (he had a respect issue that I had to address... potentially awkward). Podcasts are like awesome. So I'm listening to many different types of podcasts now. It's like books, so I feel like I'm learning. I also can just listen to it while I actively do other things that I need/want to do, like journal! It's better than just watching Big Brother UK and getting sucked into the "drama" of it all.

Today was much better. I got up, did some stretching and drank some water. I made four eggs and mixed them with a little cream. It appears four is the magic number for me, since this actually did satiate me till lunch and I was not famished or anything. I also had a spoonful of peanut butter. I listened to a podcast about spirituality while I cooked as well. I meditated a tiny bit. I wrote down things I was grateful for. It was nice. I felt much calmer and felt like I could take on the day. I am grateful for my history with the tarot. I am grateful for the psychic development training I've received. I am grateful for podcasts, especially this current one I'm listening to that is really making me question some of my civic/political viewpoints: Waking Up by Sam Harris. I talked to my Mom and aunt today and let them know that I booked my flight to Florida last night to visit my Dad. They were happy about it. I miss them. I really do. I have missed them so mcuh and I am tearing up actually typing this, which is odd. It's been hard being away from my parents for so long, especially my mom. We were always very close when I was a child. It wasn't until the last like 4 years that I've felt myself getting closer to my Dad while my Mom I felt was going through an identity crisis and a bout of depression. I really miss her. Oh. I just realized it's my friend Julia's birthday tomorrow! Aah! I need to get something for her!

Yesterday was a symbolically important day. I donated all of my video game systems, every single one, to a local children's hospital. The only games they wouldn't take were my rated M games (for obvious reasons). These are game systems I had for over 25 years (the oldest ones). Crazy. I donated a DJ Hero turntable, a guitar from Guitar Hero, a Wii Board. Just lots of stuff. I am grateful for having the strength to make a final cut to sever my tie to video games, about 310-ish days from when I originally quit (not counting my 2-day relapse in July). I am grateful for travel and exploring new locations. I am grateful for other ways of looking at situations and problems. I am really struggling with all these changes. I haven't even been doing 40%, I've been doing like 10%. I am at the point, though, where I've lived my life making all the positive morning changes, and then I've also had mornings where I haven't made the changes. Today, for example, I looked at porn in the morning and ate a muffin at work. Today was a crappy day at work. Now, it was the Tuesday after a holiday, and a lot of people were in weird moods, but my own mood was definitely poor and I think it would have been better if I stuck with my routine. I also had this strange feeling of anxiety and dissatisfaction when I returned from my business trip to Salt Lake City. Once I got home, I was thinking in my head... "Oh god. We're back to this again?" It wasn't a great reaction. I've come back home from prior trips and felt refreshed and really appreciated where I moved to. But I felt stressed. I felt lonely. I felt like.... is this it? Very dissatisfied. And I think I'm reaching a breaking point. And I have the tools in my toolkit to get out of it. Morning routine. Gratitude. Meditate. Primal diet. More social. More variety (not just satisfied through different places to eat). I just feel so unsettled, which the podcast I'm listening to just used... the podcast just said "When going through a change, it's normal to feel unsettled for awhile. If we can just live through it, you'll adjust and get used to it." Timely thing to listen to. Who we are has nothing to do with what others think. Love who I was, because I needed to be the way I was at the time. I needed to be a gamer to survive a bullying situation and to get through an isolated period in my life. I needed to be quiet and introverted in order to protect myself against those who would cause me harm, perceived threats or otherwise. I have the strength to get through this now. I am strong and powerful. I have people who support me. There will always be those on their own journey who will not agree with the choices and decisions I make. Especially in my job, my job is to hold people accountable for results.... those who are not meeting the results are not going to like me when I point it out and try to course-correct them. Or they may. But it happens. And it's not personal. NOTHING IS PERSONAL. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote that in his The Four Agreements book. Do not take anything personal, positive or negative. If we feel good when others view us highly, then our feelings about ourselves are being influenced by others instead of coming from within. And this is dangerous. Because then we will also take on board negative views others have of us and dissect them and try to change their views so that we can feel better about ourselves, instead of just not paying those opinions any mind. Writing is something that always helps me when I actually commit to writing out a few paragraphs instead of my "I need to write something, so I'm gonna write a sentence" posts. My brain feels more focused and I feel lighter just getting these thoughts on "paper." The part of my brain when I am connecting to spirit when using my cards or consulting stones is going off right now, which tells me I am connected. So these are truths. This is what I need to be doing with myself. It'll be good to get through this.

These past couple days have been more difficult. I was off of work on Monday and so these past three work mornings have not gone as smoothly as the prior week's. Monday night I had my call and I'm not sure what it was about it, but afterwards I felt a bit overwhelmed and down. I both want to change so much about myself at the same time as not wanting to change anything and that what I am trying to change now is already too difficult. We decided that porn is something that will need to be cut from my life as well. Which I agree with. As Cam has said to me, when the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of change, that's when the change will happen. I didn't make breakfast at all these past three days. Tuesday I had gone back to square one (no morning routine, looked at porn, rolled out of bed, got in the shower, and left). Wednesday I did have some water and I got up a bit earlier, looked at porn a little bit. Today I did go back to bed for 15 minutes, then did have a glass of water and left a bit early to get to work, which was an improvement upon the past 2 days. Tuesday afternoon I ate fast food after work. Yesterday I wanted to but I went home and heated up some leftovers instead. So I haven't gone off the rails. I am building these things back. I also listened to a Tim Ferriss podcast this morning about how he spends his morning and he said the five things he does: 1) Make his bed 2) Meditate 3) Stretch his back 4) Make tea 5) Journal There are definitely overlaps with the changes I'm trying to make for my mornings as well. Let's do this.

It felt good. Nothing like earth-shattering like "all my needs are now fulfilled!" or anything. But good. Kind of tiring at times, though. Because it does take work sometimes to socialize.

I had three eggs each morning. I'm not drinking that much water at all. In the morning I drink at least 12 ounces, but then it's maybe 16 ounces throughout the day. That's not counting coffee, boba teas, or any other beverages I consume. When I get home, I will usually have some water as well, but it depends. I have always had not much as water as I should, so it's another habit to build on. Yesterday I slept much of the day. I woke up a lot during the night so I decided to sleep in a bit. So I woke up at about 8AM, got up, then looked at porn, then went back to bed. I slept off and on till like noon, got up, ate lunch, watched TV, then went back to bed again while looking at porn. Finally woke up again at like 3:30-4:00, and my friend was going to come get me at 4:30. I made the decision I was just going to bail on him. He texted me at 4:20 saying "We (boyfriend and him) will be leaving in 10 minutes, let us know if you're coming." 4:30 came and went and I didn't respond. I sat staring into space, in a daze, looking at my crossword. The phone rang at 4:45 and it was him. I thought of not answering, but I decided I would answer the phone. He said they hadn't left yet, and was I coming? I said "... yes, of course I am." He said, OK, we'll be there in 10. I was super anxious and very low energetically when they picked me up. I made sure to take 2 of my anti-anxiety pills (i had forgotten to take them daily for the past 3 days...) right beforehand. After being in the backseat for about 45 minutes (the game place was an hour away we were going to), I finally perked up and felt more like "ok I can do this." This was also shortly after I had texted Cam saying "Dude, I'm really anxious right now about this party I'm going to." The party was very awkward at first. There were lots of established social circles doing their catching up, and I didn't really see an opening. My friend also doesn't come too often, so he wasn't really helping out either! He was also kinda standing to the side. Finally one guy did come up and introduce himself to me, and I said "thank you for that!" to him. And then I said Hi to another person. And then introductions trickled through as we ate and played some games on the couches. It was nice, and I'm not social too often anymore, so it was really great to be that way. Stayed till about 3:30 AM. Got home about 4:30. Woke up off and on and finally got up this morning around noon. Got a late start, and wanted to check out this fair in the city. Finally got my gear on and headed out, and ended up having to drive and park in the city, which I wasn't planning on doing. Ended up at the fair at 3, and could only stay 45 minutes since I had tickets to go to this porn studio (lol) at 4:00 (It's actually a great thing for tourists to do, it's interesting.). I feel satisfied after getting home about 7:15, like I've had a good weekend. And I have tomorrow off as well, so I can get odds and ends done tomorrow. Things are good.

It's food for thought, for sure @Cam. Yet more to think about. I did have eggs again this morning and mixed them with some fresh tomatoes I got from a farmers market at the end of the day yesterday. I wish I saw the posts above before I made my meal again, because I did feel good, but I was hungry after not too long. So maybe I need to eat a lot of fat since I am not doing carbohydrates at all in that meal.

I ate eggs for breakfast with coconut oil and peanut butter. Felt like I had some energy, but not as energizing as I expected. It's curious.

Just stay the course. Good job, man! Good luck

Good luck! It may get a little harder before it gets easier, but once you're past the first couple weeks, life gets better and better.

It fulfills the need for CONNECTION from Robbins' six needs. I realize that I feel lonely every morning (and quite often) and .... this is TMI but it's my journal, so what ever... I more fantasize about the romantic interactions among porn actors, the kissing. Yes, sometimes I'm looking for something more hardcore, like "the money shot" on loop over and over. But usually I focus and fantasize about the foreplay more than the intercourse. I honestly don't know how to fulfill the need in the morning. Or I guess I just need to fulfill it more throughout the day. When I'm in a relationship I don't look at porn so often. I just want to wake up with someone right next to me, I can roll over, give a kiss, cuddle, then get up to start the day. That is really what I want! But that's not something that I can just do... that requires someone else! But, hey, I'm not playing video games!

Oy. This morning was rough. I got back really late from hanging out with people, so it was for a good reason. Getting me out of my shell a bit. But I looked at porn this morning and didn't do the water or stretching and I was rushed. I was so tired!

Today I had an interesting crossroads. I'll add more later because I have to leave in a few minutes. Woke up today without my alarm, did my "Wow! It's going to be a great day!" thing. I didn't do water or stretches and I looked at porn. I haven't stayed 100% consistent on the weekends, but I have improved from a month ago, so I'm not too worried. I did shower right away and then I made sure to LEAVE THE HOUSE. I also planned before I left. I grabbed a couple books and a little notebook. Then I drove to a coffee shop downtown that I had only been to once before to meet someone for a date. I really like the vibe, and I had a matcha latte with oat milk. Then I sat for about 2 hours and read "Winning Through Intimidation" which is a great book I purchased on a whim from Powell's books in Portland, OR (It was highlighted by a Troy McClure comic from the Simpsons and was used out-of-print... I had to have it.) (I had been meaning to read this for quite some time.). It sounds like the book will be TERRIBLE and EVIL. But it's actually really enlightening, and it is NOT espousing being evil to others. I like it so far. The shop also sells teas and honey that is actually grown in the town. I had heard eating honey that is from the area helps to build up your immune system, and is a great sweetener, so I bought it, and some tea samples (trying to get out of coffee slowly...). In the meantime... my friend Jeff who I talked about last weekend... who I lied to about the gaming night? So he messaged me again yesterday and today saying there was a different gaming event he really wanted me to go to because he needed me there to have enough players. Mindful that I now want to live with integrity, and not lie, I just texted him saying I wasn't yet sure if I was interested. He was cool with it, and didn't just say "I'm not your friend now!". So that was good. This morning he asked me again about it (he's very persistent). I was honest with him. I felt myself PANICKING at the thought of going out. And I didn't know why. So I told him that. I told him that I was panicking and that it wasn't personal but that I have flaked on a lot of people in the past because of this reaction and they have stopped asking me to hang out, and that I really don't want to lose Jeff as a friend for the same reason. He responded by just asking why he thinks I panic. I said I didn't yet know but was trying to figure it out. And he said "What if I told you I NEED you there?" And I said "I'm still a bit on the fence". Then I just said "Fine, I'll go" on a whim when I got back into my car from shopping at Trader Joe's. I then told him "It annoys me when you are persistent, but I also love it because I need it." He just said "If I have to light a fire under your ass to have you do things, I will" to which I said "A true friend." Of interesting note is that when I had my two-day relapse at the end of July, Jeff was the one who got me to break it because he wouldn't accept me cancelling our plans to hang out and he drove up right outside and was like "I'm here...." So again, he is helping me make good choices. When I was at Trader Joe's earlier... I made sure to buy eggs, coconut oil, and peanut butter. I am going to have better breakfasts! More in-line with paleo. I am looking forward to it.

Great job man! Thank you! And I made sure to begin Instagramming what I saw... Although it was a bummer because my phone died and then right after the sun burnt away the fog and there were all these terrific views of the skyline at sunset and I couldn't take any pictures!!! I just sighed and said "Well, I'll take this as a reminder to just be present in the moment." @WorkInProgress I can't thank you enough for continuing to post on my journal and giving me such great advice (solicited or not :-P ), it is ALWAYS welcome. It also motivates me to keep journaling since I know now that others are reading... You're the best!

Had to work till 3 today. Then went for an impromptu hike in a touristy area of the city. Hiked many miles!

Had to come in early to open the office. Figured I'd journal for a little bit. I am having coffee and an almond bear claw which was recommended by a co-worker. I don't really feel that bad about having coffee, I am kind of getting clarity on what I need to do to switch to a paleo diet, which Cam had suggested. This way of eating I actually think I can handle. I know that sugar is the number one reason people in the United States (including myself) are sick, tired, and obese. I also have found that when I eat gluten-free things, I tend to feel a little bit afterwards than when I don't. So the paleo diet doesn't have any sucrose (there is fructose in fruit, and lactose in dairy if you do dairy) or gluten (grains are not allowed). And there's no counting calories or measuring portions. I think I can handle that. I've also been thinking about early memories ... a personal assignment I've been given: When is the earliest in my life that I did not pursue something that I wanted, and what was the reason? I was bullied and harassed a lot in elementary school, starting in the second grade. I stopped reaching out to as many people and socializing with others because the bullies would come and harass me and I didn't know how to defend myself from them. I was an only child, so I had no practice dealing with conflict from others my own age, only with my parents and extended family. The advice my mom would give me when I would come home and cry as a 8-9 year old was: "Just ignore them and they'll stop. They crave attention." That advice worked to an extent, but it was actually incorrect. I can't blame my mom for this, since she was a young mother and had me shortly after graduating high school. She didn't have lots of life experiences herself. My dad mostly stayed out of it (he was also away a lot and didn't come home every night), so when he did give advice, it was to fight back. I hated pain, though. He suggested I enroll in a karate class. I have this memory of this conversation happening and the three of us were in the living room. I was excited and scared by the prospect. I for the life of me cannot remember why this did not work out. I think it was too expensive, and we only had one car at the time, which my Dad needed for work. So I think that's why it fell through the cracks. But over time, Dad would tell me to start fighting back, but I would be afraid, and sometimes I would be hit as well as harassed and I still didn't hit back, for fear of getting a real whollop. My parents tried to intervene to help me out in other ways, because they were very distressed at how I was changing. I started faking sick to get out of school, which I never did before, just so I could have a day free from the harassment. (Eventually the faking sick became a great tactic to get out of a lot of things I'd rather avoid.) My parents tried talking to the parents of the other kids. That didn't do anything. The bullies knew that they had a target that wouldn't fight back and who they also knew were affecting me. I had gained this feeling of powerlessness, which I had never felt before. My young brain could not comprehend how to get out of the situation. As an adult, the answer seems obvious... punch the motherf-ers in the head and keep doing it till they leave you alone, regardless of the physical punishment you'll get in return. Another problem was that I was already becoming overweight (which was the initial start of the bullying) and I felt like I was weaker than everyone else, I was flabby. So I felt that physically, I just could not win. I would dream about using magic spells or other ways using just my mind and studying that could inflict some sort of harm on my enemies. Using my body was just not possible, or so I felt. So I think I need to take some sort of martial art. Anyone have any suggestions for someone who is out of shape, obese, with a weak back and in his 30s?