I am a legend

[Hobedaga]

Just trying to create positive beliefs with that title.

I'm nearing the end of day 6 now and today the first words that come to mind about my experiences are tired and disappointed. Tired because I did enough activities to get tired and am 20kg overweight. And disappointed in myself because it doesn't take me much to get tired. It's especially disappointing now that I have this huge list of activities I want to do and am excited actually about doing them. And they're all achievable, yet I'm still excited. However I never do as many as I hoped for through the day. Through talks on the discord chat I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to pace myself. For the past couple of days I've had good sleep, healthy food and exercise. I'm not totally committed to losing the weight yet as I want to take such changes one step at a time. So for now, it's gaming and if I eat too many burgers one day I won't beat myself over it. 

 

In general I'm pretty happy about myself not playing games for this period and more so not browsing reddit and other sites mindlessly. Although I sometimes notice how easily I can slip and find myself on a site I know I shouldn't be on (not gaming related, just pointless/funny information) without even realizing how I got there. Anyway about the doing things part.

 

Here's a list of things I have to do:

• Create and follow a morning routine
• Clean my room
• Clean the kitchen
• Buy,store,cook and clean after the food that I have written in my diet plan made by a trainer
• Finish a song that I am making on an acoustic guitar about gaming addiction (this one's one of the most fun things I do besides socializing)
• Do the laundry 
• Reinstall windows on my desktop and my laptop
• Create a youtube video about gaming addiction
• Go to the gym 4+ times a week (been doing this a while before just with a friend so shouldn't be too difficult)

Some bigger/future things on this list are:

• Rent out a place in another city
• Find a job there
• Sign up to an mma club
• Learn the basics about car maintenance and repair
• Learn basic first aid
• Learn russian (have some basics from childhood)

So far this week I have:

• Tidied up my car and sent it to be repaired
• Fixed my bike 
• Drove around with the mountain bike with my father a couple times
• Went to the gym a couple times
• Wrote about 75% of a song on an acoustic guitar
• Read Cam's book Respawn
• Talked a whole lot on the discord chat

 

One note is I actually noticed feeling less like a victim of my surroundings in a sense. Before everything seemed static and I couldn't do anything about it. Now I am exercising control over my environment I don't feel like I have to look for someone to tell me what to do. I'm not communicating this very clearly due to tiredness and brain fog so I'll just hope you get the idea.

I also need to learn to finish things, too excited about too many activities, need to learn to be more productive.

 

Also slightly off topic: realized that malicious people with various personality disorder who might've hurt me or people I care about in the past isn't something I should be constantly worried about because if I'm not depressed and live my life/follow my goals as well as have healthy boundaries those people won't be a problem without me having to constantly beon the lookout.

 

So that's it for my first journal entry. Idk if I'm doing this right but here goes.

[sjoti]

You are improving yourself every single day, realising more and more of the life that you are looking for. Add to that active learning from mistakes and trying to logically think about your actions so you can get the most out of them makes you a legend in my book. 

[Cam Adair]

New journal got me like

[Streuselsturm]

You are on the right track

Be sure to leave a link for that youtube video once you did it

[JSmith]

Great title name!

I'm glad you have so many goals as well. Best of luck.

[Hobedaga]

Today's feelings. Don't feel as tired today. I learned, or rather remember, one important thing about myself. I used to have this thing where whenever I was playing some small browser flash game or something like that just to kill the time, or any other game really, when the game would get difficult enough I would get frustrated, turn it off and turn on another. This tendency wasn't just a game thing, it's something that I have in real life too.

So I was putting laundry from a huge pile to the washing machine and I realized I have nowhere to put the clean clothes yet because I was still cleaning my place for clothes in my room and I couldn't start another run on the washing machine because it was filled. So this small thing was enough to get me frustrated and move away, but as I moved I understood that this thing happened before. Whenever I'd run into difficulties or adversity in games instead of bracing myself for a challenge I would change the game, or cheat or do anything else to move beyond being uncomfortable and feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. The exact same thing was happening with the laundry. A small problem was enough to make me want to leave the whole task unfinished. Thing is the solution was extremely easy, I put a towel on the floor and put the clean clothes on it and continued working to finish that pile. 

Some of the mundane activities are not giving me the amount of pleasure they did a couple days back. But now I'll realize I'll have to develop higher self-discipline if I want to be productive and reach my goals. In other words I'll have to do some things whether I like to or not because I need to do them if I want to achieve my goals. I mean I spent countless hours grinding for some gear in wow or reading up on the most intricite and rarely useful dota mechanic. I didn't do it because I enjoyed that aspect of the game. I did it because I anticipated a reward. 

My reward will be a nice closet full of clean clothes. And this is a network kind of change. I tried to fix my hygiene on a surface level when my roommates would give me shit (very understandably so) for smelling awful and I would shower and think there, it's done. Problem is soon enough I'd put on clothes that haven't been washed in a long time, sit, sleep and play in a room that is drenched with sweat etc. Now I'm setting myself up for success with these kinds of things. Slowly but surely after I'm done with creating my basic routines, fixing all the forgotten things around me I'll be ready to take on bigger, more meaningful and exciting challenges.

Overall on the feeling side of things I'm not sure I've found great joy so far. By far I enjoy myself the most making a song on the acoustic guitar even though my voice probably isn't all that great. But other than that my overall feeling of content is probably higher but I'm definitely not on a roller coaster at the moment. Rather level. I also enjoy socializing on discord so much. I've talked to my father, trainer in the gym, said hi to some guys in the gym and talked to my friend who I helped get his stuff in the car to move to the city I hope to move to soon enough. Just telling so you don't think I'm just getting addicted to chatrooms and am not socializing in reality in any way. Face to face conversations all the way.

It's weird when I'm about finished with these posts the perfectionist in me says they need weeks of more work and I don't have much to say but I just post it anyway. especially since I STILL HAVEN"T CLEANED MY GOD DAMNED ROOM I've done some work on it every day though. I actually find it a lot easier to go to the gym and do heavy squats and come back on a bike then I do cleaning my room. I'm not sure what that is all about. So, that's it for today.

[WorkInProgress]

Hey good Job at working on the Basis. Especially These insights about your behaviour if adversities arise is worth Gold. Next time you got a Problem and get tense and frustrated about it, take yourself back state the problem in words and try to think for 1-3 different solutions. If you can make this a habbit the rewards, will be great because it shifts your mind from beeing problem-orientated to solution-orientated. You are never a victim of your circumstances, because you are able to learn to react on them. It is your responsibility to create your live and thats scary and empowering at the same time. It is all your fault and that is great because it means you are also able to change things! This was together with the Idea of the slight edge, was the most important lesson I took out of this detox.

[Cam Adair]

So I was putting laundry from a huge pile to the washing machine and I realized I have nowhere to put the clean clothes yet because I was still cleaning my place for clothes in my room and I couldn't start another run on the washing machine because it was filled. So this small thing was enough to get me frustrated and move away, but as I moved I understood that this thing happened before. Whenever I'd run into difficulties or adversity in games instead of bracing myself for a challenge I would change the game, or cheat or do anything else to move beyond being uncomfortable and feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. The exact same thing was happening with the laundry. A small problem was enough to make me want to leave the whole task unfinished. Thing is the solution was extremely easy, I put a towel on the floor and put the clean clothes on it and continued working to finish that pile. 

Big insight! This is a huge part of how the journey to quit gaming is going to have a positive impact in your life. 

[Hobedaga]

@Cam Adair I agree. Even after being done with gaming for good I think I might keep up with the journaling idea just to have my life lessons written down and handy if I ever want to read on some of them and improve something based on the lessons I learned.

Today's day 8 no gaming and no mindless browsing. This one is the toughest of all so far. I got really depressed about something I honestly pretty much can't talk to anyone about. Put me in a real bad mental state. I can't say what it is exactly I can only say it made me feel out of control and I can take back that control but I would need to beat guilt and doubt.

I understand why I used gaming even more now. There are so many intrigues, plots, major and very difficult decisions that it's just... Things that make me feel trapped. 

One other thing I learned though at the very least. It's too easy for me to obey authority and doubt my own decisions when that authority challenges them even if I'm completely sure I'm right. 

I am very grateful for the people who read some of what I wrote and responded by the way. I have a question for you. Would you take a gift with strings attached from a person that didn't care about you in the past enough because he was working on the gift all the time but wants you very much to take it and even though he says you don't have to take it talks about you taking it all the time. Said gift would be a godsend, an absolute dream for other people who would otherwise have to work years upon years to get such a gift themselves, yet you are unsure if that gift is right for you. Excuse the confusing way I'm going about this question but I have to be deliberately vague.

[Cam Adair]

@Cam Adair I agree. Even after being done with gaming for good I think I might keep up with the journaling idea just to have my life lessons written down and handy if I ever want to read on some of them and improve something based on the lessons I learned.

Yes, journaling is always beneficial, whether it's about gaming or not. 

[WorkInProgress]

I am very grateful for the people who read some of what I wrote and responded by the way. I have a question for you. Would you take a gift with strings attached from a person that didn't care about you in the past enough because he was working on the gift all the time but wants you very much to take it and even though he says you don't have to take it talks about you taking it all the time. Said gift would be a godsend, an absolute dream for other people who would otherwise have to work years upon years to get such a gift themselves, yet you are unsure if that gift is right for you. Excuse the confusing way I'm going about this question but I have to be deliberately vague.

Well it would be hard to say know to something like that. I think I would try to identify why I am unsure. Do I fear responsibilitys toward this person? What would happen in the worst case if I took this gift? What is the best case scenario? I would ask the same questions to teh case that I don't accept the gift. IF I see now all the outcomes as clearly as possible for me I would choose the action who feels right and try  to prepare for the consequences. It seems like only time can tell, what the right decision is so you have to make it with best conscience and live with the decision. It is important that you don't doubt that decision if you have carefully made it. Better be proactive and plan for the future.

Edited August 28, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[Hobedaga]

DAY 11

PROBLEMS TO WORK ON:

• Quitting after difficulties arise
• Mindless browsing crept back up on me
• Opening reddit without even thinking about it
• Focusing on the given task

 

Quitting after difficulties arise

So, I've found other activities, not just doing laundry, that taught me that I shy away from difficulties when they arise instead of embracing that discomfort to find out a solution and continue with the task/goal. I was starting to make a video about gaming addiction but I realized I need to do a little research proving that gaming addiction's pretty serious because that's what I want to focus in that video but as soon as I realized I had to do that I went to do something else, something more relaxing. That feeling of "this is hard/I'm not sure what to do" in the moment is not pleasant but I realize if I just started working on the problem asap after getting that feeling it would've subsided instead of sitting on it a bit and pondering whether I should continue or go do something else for the time being.

Mindless browsing crept back up on me

So I realize that I spent many hours browsing without any real intent besides a vague want to improve myself which I probably only used as a rationalization. Wow, it's so good to put this into words because I only now realized that I used self-improvement as a rationalization to browse a lot. It is a fight with yourself isn't it. So basically I watched many documentaries about addiction and some other things, browsed gamequitters, bit of youtube etc. Thing is you might think this is not such a big deal but honestly internet addiction was probably an even more serious problem for me than gaming addiction. My brain is probably loaded with more memes than I'm comfortable admitting. And I realize that all of that information that I consumed was not only unreliable and uninformative but not really all that funny too. I suppose it filled my needs for a sense of community and novelty. So although I'm procrastinating on it this is definitely something I need to fix.

Opening reddit without even thinking about it

The habit is still there. I don't really want to not use a computer at all but being on it even doing things that are important and valuable to me the old entrenched habits of opening website that I have no use for are still there.

Focusing on the given task

So if I'm doing something on the computer or outside of it I have a strong tendency to do something halfway and then go do something else before I'm finished so I suppose I have a problem focusing which is understandable coming off all this constant stream of stimulation of games, memes and porn. 

I think my sporadic and unorganized to do list that I don't have at hand is part of the problem. But even when I correct my to do list I'll still have the problem of focus that is correlated with the quitting after difficulties arise problem. I'm not really sure how to deal with it.

 

Conclusions

• Write a to do list with an order of how to do things and have it in my vision/close at hand
• Get the extensions to block/limit internet usage (I'm procrastinating on this one and honestly this is pretty hard to me)
• Be conscious of when I get difficulties arise and do something about it asap

 

FEELINGS:

Can't really say. When I was gaming non-stop I actually thought that there's something wrong with my feelings. That they're on very low volume and nothing matters and I don't care about anything. I felt the most when making a song I just finished. The song itself isn't anything amazing but just creating and pouring your heart out was when I was able to feel the most. I wouldn't say that I felt too much today. 

 

I FINISHED THE SONG~

 

It took me way more than anticipated due to procastination and lack of focus but here it is. It's definitely not very good and I don't need you guys to tell me that it's amazing to encourage me to do something. Don't mean to sound like an asshole but I understand it's not very good and I'm fine with it, I'm putting it out there anyway. Well the words at least I like so here is the translation since the song is in Lithuanian. You can take a wild guess what it is about

 

https://soundcloud.com/atilla-9/malonumo-vergas

Lit up by LED lights
I won't go to sleep for a long time
On my face speckled colors are dancing
Colors of war, demons and lost hopes

Around me the world is slowly collapsing
I don't care I don't live in it
I've tried opening those gates many times
But when you don't know where to go you always come back home

I'm leaving
I hope I'll never return
It's pushing me back
But I'm slowly moving away

A quiet voice whispering "Stop! Greatness awaits"
It's slowly dying just like me
I was alone stuck in a battle field
When a friend extended a helping hand I shouted NO!

Apathy, pain and fear hovered in the air
They were suffocating me
But suddenly everything will change
And that fog will disseminate 
 

I'm leaving
I hope I'll never return
It's pushing back
But I'm slowly moving away

[WorkInProgress]

Hey a Thing about browsing. if you use Firefox just download leechblock/.It can be adjuste in a way that it just delays your entry to a site for some time you can set. Maybe this is a first step to reduce your reddit time if you aren't able to just go there instantaniously- That it doesn't blokc the time forever will make it easier to Keep it installed.

Well to the part that you shy away if things get hard. I have this tendency too and even if it got a lot better allready, I don't think that their is an easy fix(or atleast I didn't found it). Just give yourself some time, be Aware of this tendency and try again and gain to overcome it. You will get used to just thinking fuck it I do it anyway. But this doesn't happen over night.  

[Cam Adair]

Conclusions

• Write a to do list with an order of how to do things and have it in my vision/close at hand
• Get the extensions to block/limit internet usage (I'm procrastinating on this one and honestly this is pretty hard to me)
• Be conscious of when I get difficulties arise and do something about it asap

Keep doing this and you'll find a lot of success throughout the rest of your life. Always. Be. Learning.

[Hobedaga]

Day 12

Problems to work on:

• Dealing with strong emotions

 

Dealing with strong emotions

Day was going great. Get up, gym immediately, buy groceries, back, make food for myself and sister that was visiting, talk with her, clean fridge... boom. Intense anger. I strayed off what I was doing to help my sis deal with something without her even really asking to deal with it and there were a lot of complications and then... I was angrier than I remember me being in the past 3 years even in way worse situations. Took me by surprise because I thought my emotions generally were rather numb recently. Then this barely controllable anger came over me. It subsided eventually but not before I said some things I shouldn't have to my sister when I got back home. After that... guilt. Boom again. Very strong guilt. I didn't know how to deal with it. It was so unpleasant but I'm stubborn and I didn't want to look weak and apologize. Alas I still called to just to get that feeling off my back and apologized to my sister. It went away.

 

Lessons learned

• I'm capable of having way stronger emotions than I anticipated, maybe it's just that gaming was numbing them and I also didn't feel many positive emotions for a long time so just mainly feeling negative ones made me think I didn't feel much at all
• I guess there's two ways with dealing with emotions and it's important to be able to deal with them in multiple ways because you can't let your emotions dictate your life. They're fickle and sometimes they might be senseless. So I dealt with the guilt of having said something unpleasant to another person by calling her on the phone and apologizing (even though I wasn't even sure if my anger was justified or not). The other way would be start doing other things and change your focus on them so you're not ruminating on the feeling. Sometimes you have to think if the feeling is justified though and whether you should act on it or let it slide away.
• Negative emotions can have an enormous impact to your productivity. I'm actually not quite sure how to deal with them if you can't fix them by doing something. Ie someone insulted you heavily and you took it to heart. If you did it might ruin your whole day's worth of productivity. So how do you deal with that emotion? Especially now that for me personally it seems that whenever I am feeling something it's amplified tenfold after quitting gaming. I've learned about stoicism a bit in the past and maybe being grateful and actually expecting bad things to happen (this is what stoics in greek times would do in the mornings, they would expect to be treated in the worst imaginable ways so they were more grateful and pleasantly surprised when it wasn't the case. They also did this thing called negative visualization where they would visualize losing things they care about and so when they would open their eyes they would feel more grateful towards them because it would feel like you're in a funeral and your loved one gets up (terrible analogy lol)).I haven't actually implemented the lessons I learned about stoicism/Buddhism though

 

Video is coming along slowly. I think it might be a decent video. Thanks again for reading. How do you deal with strong emotions?

[Cam Adair]

For dealing with strong emotions I just try to survive and let them pass. As they come in, they will go. You can watch this video on cravings that will teach you an exercise I do to pass emotions.

[WorkInProgress]

Basically I try to accept them and talk with my wife about my feelings.

[Hobedaga]

Conclusions

• Write a to do list with an order of how to do things and have it in my vision/close at hand
• Get the extensions to block/limit internet usage (I'm procrastinating on this one and honestly this is pretty hard to me)
• Be conscious of when I get difficulties arise and do something about it asap

Keep doing this and you'll find a lot of success throughout the rest of your life. Always. Be. Learning.

That's the plan  Although I suppose if I get really into some skill I want to develop it might take away from my personal lessons because mostly I'll be learning about that skill but I can still probably learn things about myself as a side effect.

[Piotr]

I take a deep breath and try to keep my mind focused when strong emotions come. Trying to understand everything what lead to this and what can I do with this. If it overwhelms me, I try to relax in the evening. 

[Hobedaga]

Day 31

 

It's been quite some time since I posted here. I've done a couple extra youtube videos, I have failed on keeping my room clean or not browsing the internet mindlessly, I've gone through some short but severe cravings, I failed with eating right and gained a little bit of extra weight, I've learned some valuable things. 

Courage and self-discipline are of the utmost importance to develop for myself. I've grown fearful of things as non-dangerous as children playing outside over the years and my habit of always going out of the way of an obstacle or any amount of discomfort that comes my way has made my self-discipline level very low. These two things are what is holding me back the most in life at this moment. Social anxiety may be a close third but even though I do have it I'm also fairly ok with talking with people so it's not as important to me right now.

I don't have a clear and detailed plan on how I'm going to improve my courage and self-discipline but one thing is very clear it cannot be through reading countless books and articles on how to develop it. I actually have to experience it. 

I have a plan for this year and I know what I need to do. I just don't have the cohones to do it. And fear isn't the only thing that is stopping me. It's all related to big life decisions and other things. I know however that in the end I will regret having not done these things.

 

 

Realizations

If I'm gonna mindlessly browse the internet all the time then I am in no better position when I was gaming all the time. Maybe slightly less addictive. 

I'm insecure about insults / social rejection. Maybe it's related to social anxiety and doing things that require me to face fear will inadvertently improve this part of my life too.  

Not using any tech for someone who's been using it all the time for many years is incredibly difficult. I couldn't do one day of a "one-week no tech challange"

No amount of knowledge and reading can help you deal with the fear and social anxiety you experience in the moment. I've consumed tons of self-help content in the past and it wasn't any easier. And thing is I can write all I want but I can't accurately describe the experience itself. All logic and understanding go out the window when you're experiencing fear. Fear is what is stopping me from getting a job (that and a bit of laziness), going to live on my own and doing many other very important things that will lead me to living a way more fulfilling life.

Self discipline is an overlapping problem for me. It, or rather the lack thereof, affects many facets of my life. In different forms I bump into this problem all the time.

When you're feeling your worst at the very least remember to do something very small but beneficial. Like you're depressed, then go take a shower or take a walk. It improves mood immensely.

I need to get a job and pay for my own shit. 

You are responsible for furthering your own interests. No one else is. Creating the lifestyle and attaining the success you desire is all on you. And if you're not going to intensely go after it, no one besides close friends and family will care.

 

 

[WorkInProgress]

I know it is Kind of counterintuitive but I would recommend you reading "The slight edge" It is a book basically aiming on how to execute all These nice things w read in self-development books. I was very sceptical at this book (how you can read in my Journal if you like). But right now I experienced that this is the way the world works. Basically consistency > everything. Start really small but do it everyday consistently  and you will get things done. I.e. do one Thing thats a Little out of your comfort zone everyday. Post it everyday here in the forum so you are kept accoutnable by the community. And I am sure that 1% improvement everyday will add up.

[Hobedaga]

@WorkInProgress

I'll add it to my to read list. Thanks

[Cam Adair]

For your room, make it a challenge just to make your bed every morning.