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kortheo

My Journal - Travis

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Day 73

In a good mood this morning! I slept well last night, because my nighttime routine worked like a charm. It seems I can sleep well if I plan for it - I just need to get into the habit. This can be hard sometimes, because there are bad habits that can keep me up - computer usage, texting N, etc - things that are fun and involve screens late at night, which is the opposite of what I need in order to sleep. But if I set rules for myself I can make it work, and then I'll sleep better, and thus do better at work and at life everyday, which is worth giving up those small indulgences associated with staying up later than I should.

I've spent some time lately thinking about emotional awareness. I started reading Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, which is really good so far. The basic thesis is just accepting everything about yourself where you're at, and not judging yourself for being as you are. It's all grounded in Buddhist philosophy and psychology, which appeals to me. Acceptance doesn't mean we can't change or improve, but it does mean that we stop viewing ourselves as flawed in some way. I'm starting to grasp the unconscious ways I view myself as such. The basic idea is to practice mindfulness, and combine that with self-compassion - so you notice what you experience, accept it as it is, and be kind towards yourself instead of blaming yourself for feeling that way. It sounds simple, but it's powerful. I think the book is a good complement to Daring Greatly. It's not an easy thing to do, but I think like anything else if done daily it will snowball. I'm going to work on it.

Gratitude

  1. My neighbor, for being happy and funny.
  2. My new computer arriving undamaged and in working condition :).
  3. The poinsettia my work gave me for my office. It's very beautiful.
  4. The quiet whirr of the equipment in my server room at work :D.
  5. The fire extinguisher I have in my office in case of a fire.
  6. My continued personal growth.
  7. Everything new that I learn about myself and relationships from talking with N.
  8. Cecil, my coworker, who always calls me "TK!" (my initials) when he passes my office. (This just happened).
  9. The extra driving I did this morning that gave me more podcast listening time.
  10. The dessert that was sitting in the break room this morning.

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Day 74

I went to a rock-climbing gym last night. It was a meetup group, totally new to me. I've never done rock-climbing before. I decided to go as part of GQC Day 15 I believe (facing a fear). I'm afraid of heights, so I picked this. It was a pretty fun time - got a quick lesson, met some new people, did a little climbing. But heights are definitely still a fear of mine! I felt fairly uncomfortable with it. I wasn't able to get quite to the top - even though rationally I knew I was safe with the harness, I didn't feel safe on a more emotional level. Heights really freak me out. Still, I got 90% up the climbing walls a few times before I started to freak out and had to come down, haha. I'm not sure I"ll go back, but I'm really glad I tried something new. I met someone who invited me to a fitness group he was a part of, which is yet another meetup group, so maybe I'll try that!

The unfortunate thing was that I lost my wallet last night at the event. I honestly don't know what happened - all I can remember for sure is that I paid for rock climbing with my debit card and then put my stuff in a cubby while I climbed, and then I didn't have my wallet when I got home. I called and the staff looked around for it, but didn't find anything. I don't think anyone stole it, but you never know. Whatever the case may be, I had to cancel my cards and get new ones. I spent 1.5 hours at the DMV today getting a replacement license, and then some time at the bank getting replacement cards. I still need to replace the wallet itself. Thankfully there wasn't much cash in there, or much else of real value. But I'm really not all that bothered by the situation. I tried to be mindful in line while at the DMV and be polite to the overworked staff. It was an opportunity to relax and not do anything really. I made small talk and joked a little with the bank clerks, and I didn't mind when their computer system wasn't working. As N pointed out, I'm still alive and healthy - losing my wallet is just a minor inconvenience, more than anything. Honestly, I'm kind of excited to shop for a new wallet, because I've had the old one for so long.

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. A personal problem I'm making progress on.
  2. N's happy perspective on life.
  3. That I was able to take time during work today to resolve my wallet situation.
  4. That it was so painless to cancel my bank cards online last night.
  5. That I tried something new and had fun, even if it maybe wasn't for me.
  6. That I was invited to another meetup event.
  7. That I wasn't pulled over today while driving without a license ;).
  8. That the experience at the DMV was relatively painless.
  9. That I was able to sleep well last night even though I went to bed a bit late.
  10. That my Dad was able to loan me a little cash on short notice to get by today.

 

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It's amazing how a simple shift in your attitude allowed you to enjoy the day much more compared to approaching this situation as if something truly tragic had occurred. It's one of the best lessons I've learned from traveling - because things like this happen all the time and there's nothing you can do about it.

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Day 75

Feeling generally good today. Had a lovely evening last night. Personal and social life is going well. Planning on attending some new meetups soon.

Starting to get closer to Day 90... 15 days away! On Day 90, I plan to delete or deactivate or otherwise get rid of my Steam, Origin, and Battle.net accounts,That will be a big step. It feels a little scary to be honest, but it's for the best. I'm closing a chapter of my life.

I had a realization the other night at rock climbing. I think for a long time I viewed myself as a 'nerd' or a 'gamer' and that made me seek out other nerds and gamers so that I would have something in common with them, so it would be easier to make friends. This is simple enough. That strategy made it so I met a certain type of person and all my friendships had certain similarities to them. These people were likely to like X, Y, Z but not A, B, C. So in my head it started to always be the case that people in my world like X, Y, Z only. That was very limiting if I wanted to connect with people over A, B ,C, because in my world, I couldn't. In one social group I'm a part of now, it's basically a nerd/gamer social group. So they talk about games a lot and it's not really something I'm interested in connecting over anymore. I don't mean to be negative, but it seems like such a waste of time now to me. Something they don't talk about, for example, is fitness or being active and healthy. I don't think I've ever really had a friend who was passionate about that (with one or two exceptions). In my mind it's just not a part of my world. Now that I'm getting more fit, connecting with people through exercise makes sense. At rock climbing I met a guy named Rogelio and he asked if I exercised a lot and what I did and we got into a conversation about that. It just struck me as such a new and different experience - proof that I have started making real changes and started meeting new types of people. I don't think that I've ever connected with someone over having a mutual interest in fitness like that. It blew my mind slightly that that was even a thing. I also think that I expected that if I were to try to meet people who were into fitness, say, that they would be totally different than me and that it would be hard to make friends, but I'm seeing that's not the case. Funny how preconceived notions hold you back.

Speaking of meeting new people you might not have met before, N said to me the other day "I'm really glad you don't play video games, I've just never been really into them." This is a person who I'm having a great time dating and like a lot at this point. If I were to have met her a year ago, maybe we wouldn't have clicked as well, maybe she wouldn't have respected me as much due to the time I spent on games. Maybe we just wouldn't have met at all, because I was too busy playing games and not making efforts to meet people. Person by person it feels like my world is expanding to places that it couldn't have gone before.

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. Meeting Rogelio the other night, and what that experience taught me.
  2. Getting dinner with N last night on the spur of the moment.
  3. Having better posture at work.
  4. Accepting myself as I am.
  5. The vacation from work I'll be taking at the end of the month.
  6. Green tea, sipped slowly.
  7. My awesome water bottle.
  8. My apartment.
  9. My neighbor.
  10. My family.
Edited by kortheo

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Day 76

I woke up to do not feeling very confident, and at first I couldn't figure out why. Then I realized that I had been neglecting certain things. I hadn't shaved in a while, and lately I hadn't been putting much effort into my appearance. So I today I shaved and trimmed my beard, styled my hair nicely, and dressed well, and I felt a bit better.

Also I need to put air in my car tires... the light on my car says they're low. I checked them all and they're only slightly low (lower temps from the weather made the pressure drop slightly is all) but still having that light there all the time makes me on edge, and I wouldn't be able to know if one was actually really low. Plus I'm getting poorer gas mileage. So as I'm driving I'm always worried in the back of my head. Slightly irrational anxiety but it adds up day after day when I keep ignoring it, and it actually does start to affect my overall confidence. I guess I avoid it because I'm self-conscious about car-related things.

Now I'm feeling like this entry isn't very interesting. I'm trying to accept whatever I'm feeling - feelings are valid and make sense, even if we don't like them. But we don't have to like them, we just have to accept them.

I had 2 Xbox controllers with a PC wireless receiver in my drawer at home. I just posted in a local group I'm a member of asking if anyone wanted them, offering to give them away. I had a taker in <10 minutes, who was actually a friend of mine. I gave them away last night. I don't think I own any other physical gaming paraphernalia now. Interesting feeling.

Gratitude

I'm grateful for...

  1. Spending time with N tonight.
  2. Cooking with N tonight.
  3. Recognizing some of the reasons why I wasn't feeling as confident lately.
  4. Podcasts.
  5. That it wasn't quite as cold last night.
  6. That my new computer is working out rather well.
  7. Google music - great subscription service.
  8. The warm jacket I'm wearing.
  9. Living in a nice place.
  10. Learning more about the world each day.

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It's amazing how a shift in how we feel can change how we feel. :ph34r:

Could you expand on what you mean exactly? Are you referring about how we feel about our feelings? Like, I feel unconfident and then my reaction to feeling unconfident is something else negative?

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It's amazing how a shift in how we feel can change how we feel. :ph34r:

Could you expand on what you mean exactly? Are you referring about how we feel about our feelings? Like, I feel unconfident and then my reaction to feeling unconfident is something else negative?

That can be true for sure, but in that context I'd relate it to be more about what you focus on and the impact on how you feel.

What I meant was by shaving, putting on some nice clothes, etc you can change how you physically feel and that has an impact on how you feel internally. Now that you've been running more often I imagine you've seen how great you tend to feel physically after you finish a run, and the impact that has on how you feel internally (confidence, etc.)

Needless to say, if you aren't feeling great internally, changing a few things about how you feel physically can make a difference.

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Day 77

Last night I had a dream that I played video games, and I felt really awful about it after I realized what I had done. I think I've read other people having such dreams but this was the first one for me. Glad it was just a dream. I have had some gaming cravings lately, some voices in my head telling me I could go back to Hearthstone, if nothing else. But the reality is that even if I just played Hearthstone, I would spend hours on my weekends investing into it... and I honestly don't have the time for that. I don't want to spend my time on that when I could be doing nearly anything else that's more productive. Anyway, I'm not seriously considering it - I'm done - but I am having some cravings.

I'm dealing with a lot of complicated emotions right now. I'm also pretty tired right now. Without getting too personal, things have gotten confusing in my dating relationship with N. Up until recently it seemed like everything was going great, almost perfectly. I started to feel like if I played my cards right nothing could go wrong and everything would just be great... that I wouldn't have to feel any negative or challenging emotions, that I could just get what I wanted out of the situation. However, this clearly isn't a realistic attitude, and indeed events are playing out so that things are starting to get complicated, and no matter what I say or do there's no way to avoid the messiness of human relationships. I need to let go of my perfectionism here - it's stifling. I can't shield myself from unpleasant or confusing emotions and just take the rewards. If I'm going to engage - socially, romantically - there is no cheat code I can enter for emotional invulnerability. The fact that I'm feeling confused or unpleasant emotions doesn't mean I've failed - although part of my brain wants to tell me that. It's just a part of life. It means I'm learning and experiencing new things and participating. Being vulnerable. Taking risks. It's funny, because I've never had this mindset before - in the past I've always had relationships with hard emotions and it was to be expected. But whereas in the past I would rush in too fast, I think this time around, I'm learning to set boundaries and be more cautious with how much I open up, because I'm not ready for something serious. Maybe I thought I would be able to keep enough distance that I wouldn't get hurt, but clearly that's not true.

Radical Acceptance is a helpful framework here. I have to be mindful of what I'm experiencing. And I have to accept it with compassion, rather than blaming myself for feeling it. I have to accept that it is my experience and that it's valid, rather than thinking that it's a sign of failure to have to sit with difficult emotions in life. There is no perfection, just experience and growth.

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. Personal growth.
  2. The parade I saw this evening.
  3. Watching a movie with friends.
  4. The chance to help my friends out with moving some stuff in their apartment.
  5. The delicious burrito I had for dinner.
  6. The appreciation another friend showed me for giving him my Xbox controllers.
  7. That I'll be seeing my ex in a bit over a week. I haven't seen her in months and I'm excited to reconnect as friends.
  8. Seeing my family today.
  9. The sunset earlier.
  10. That I'm hanging out with friends tomorrow morning.

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Day 77

Last night I had a dream that I played video games, and I felt really awful about it after I realized what I had done. I think I've read other people having such dreams but this was the first one for me. Glad it was just a dream. I have had some gaming cravings lately, some voices in my head telling me I could go back to Hearthstone, if nothing else. But the reality is that even if I just played Hearthstone, I would spend hours on my weekends investing into it... and I honestly don't have the time for that. I don't want to spend my time on that when I could be doing nearly anything else that's more productive. Anyway, I'm not seriously considering it - I'm done - but I am having some cravings.

I'm dealing with a lot of complicated emotions right now. I'm also pretty tired right now. Without getting too personal, things have gotten confusing in my dating relationship with N. Up until recently it seemed like everything was going great, almost perfectly. I started to feel like if I played my cards right nothing could go wrong and everything would just be great... that I wouldn't have to feel any negative or challenging emotions, that I could just get what I wanted out of the situation. However, this clearly isn't a realistic attitude, and indeed events are playing out so that things are starting to get complicated, and no matter what I say or do there's no way to avoid the messiness of human relationships. I need to let go of my perfectionism here - it's stifling. I can't shield myself from unpleasant or confusing emotions and just take the rewards. If I'm going to engage - socially, romantically - there is no cheat code I can enter for emotional invulnerability. The fact that I'm feeling confused or unpleasant emotions doesn't mean I've failed - although part of my brain wants to tell me that. It's just a part of life. It means I'm learning and experiencing new things and participating. Being vulnerable. Taking risks. It's funny, because I've never had this mindset before - in the past I've always had relationships with hard emotions and it was to be expected. But whereas in the past I would rush in too fast, I think this time around, I'm learning to set boundaries and be more cautious with how much I open up, because I'm not ready for something serious. Maybe I thought I would be able to keep enough distance that I wouldn't get hurt, but clearly that's not true.

Radical Acceptance is a helpful framework here. I have to be mindful of what I'm experiencing. And I have to accept it with compassion, rather than blaming myself for feeling it. I have to accept that it is my experience and that it's valid, rather than thinking that it's a sign of failure to have to sit with difficult emotions in life. There is no perfection, just experience and growth.

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. Personal growth.
  2. The parade I saw this evening.
  3. Watching a movie with friends.
  4. The chance to help my friends out with moving some stuff in their apartment.
  5. The delicious burrito I had for dinner.
  6. The appreciation another friend showed me for giving him my Xbox controllers.
  7. That I'll be seeing my ex in a bit over a week. I haven't seen her in months and I'm excited to reconnect as friends.
  8. Seeing my family today.
  9. The sunset earlier.
  10. That I'm hanging out with friends tomorrow morning.

Just quoting the post for everyone to read one more time.

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Day 78

This morning I went with a group of friends to an escape room: http://www.escapegamesd.com/. It was a blast. These things are popping up everywhere in SD it seems, and I presume elsewhere too. Basically, the premise is that you get a group of friends together, and you get locked in a room together. You have 1 hour to get out, and in order to do that, you have to solve puzzles together. It was a ton of fun. We escaped with only 2 minutes and 30 seconds to spare! And we ended up with a pretty high score! We will probably do another one together because it was such a good time. It was immersive and rewarded the same parts of me that video games did, but in a much healthier way. Real-world teamwork, intellectual challenge, atmospheric immersion. I was super impressed.

Our team picture upon victory:

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Looking back, I am pretty happy that this picture exists - just over 2 months ago I had no social life and was in a relationship that was making me unhappy and keeping me stuck. I didn't have fun pictures. I just played games by myself.

Also, as an aside, one of the guys from the above picture has a friend who just quit video games recently. That friend was texting him for ideas for what to do other than games. I gave out some ideas, but also referred him to gamequitters.com - I am the resident expert on video game quitting now, apparently :).

The other side of my day is that the emotions I talked about yesterday haven't magically disappeared or resolved themselves (of course). To be honest, I've been too busy last night and today to even really stop and process them. After this I'm going to eat dinner, and then sit down with a journal and some tea and get my thoughts onto paper. If I'm honest with myself this thing with N will probably have to come to an end for various reasons.That's fine, because I think I knew that from the start. I'm still grateful for it, because I think any new relationship gives us opportunities to learn. Sometimes being honest with ourselves and making the right choice is difficult, but I think it's worth it in the end. If yesterday was me realizing that I needed to accept what I was feeling instead of blaming myself for failure, today is me taking the time to really dive into what I'm feeling and process it. Yet another valuable skill to work on.

 

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. Having such a great time this morning with friends at Escape Game SD.
  2. Talking with my friend Kelsey today.
  3. That my database backups were working on Friday... (long story).
  4. Tara Brach's free guided meditations.
  5. That I found a cool minimalist wallet on Amazon to buy.
  6. Sleeping well recently.
  7. Having the courage to be myself.
  8. Being able to help others.
  9. The podcasts that keep me company every day on my commute, and every weekend while I'm driving to something fun.
  10. My new computer, which is working out quite nicely :).

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Day 79

At work, busy day today. But I'll take a few minutes to write an entry.

I'm continuing to read through Radical Acceptance. I've realized that I haven't been reading much recently. It's a habit but I have been mentally substituting podcast listening for reading... which is okay, but ultimately not the same. I want to try to get back to truly reading some each day. The chapter in Radical Acceptance I just finished describes the process of saying "Yes" to our experience even when it's unpleasant. To accept and welcome emotions even when they are difficult, as opposed to saying "No" to them and resisting them. Resisting our experience all the time is a huge drain and unproductive, unhelpful. Relaxing into our experience and accepting it as it is much more comfortable. We can come to know our experience rather than focusing on what it should be instead. Cultivating an attitude or approach to life like this takes time and effort, it cannot be done over night. But I think it is worth it.

I've been pretty busy the past week or so and haven't had a ton of time to simply sit and be alone. I realize that in such business, it's hard to introspect and process what you're feeling. We have a culture where being busy is a sign of status. But being busy also is a way to avoid conflict within yourself. If you're too busy to think about what's wrong with your life, then you don't have to! Kind of reminds me of how playing video games for me was a way to avoid dealing with the problems in my life - much easier to just zone out. The reality is that unless you're working multiple jobs to make ends meet, everyone is roughly as busy as they want to be. And being busier isn't necessarily better - there are many advantages to stillness, quiet, even boredom. They just aren't celebrated as much.

Gratitude

  1. Safety.
  2. Health.
  3. Independence.
  4. Breakfast.
  5. Work going well.
  6. Sleep.
  7. Family.
  8. Learning.
  9. Friendships.
  10. Laughing.

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I've been pretty busy the past week or so and haven't had a ton of time to simply sit and be alone. I realize that in such business, it's hard to introspect and process what you're feeling. We have a culture where being busy is a sign of status. But being busy also is a way to avoid conflict within yourself. If you're too busy to think about what's wrong with your life, then you don't have to! Kind of reminds me of how playing video games for me was a way to avoid dealing with the problems in my life - much easier to just zone out. The reality is that unless you're working multiple jobs to make ends meet, everyone is roughly as busy as they want to be. And being busier isn't necessarily better - there are many advantages to stillness, quiet, even boredom. They just aren't celebrated as much.

kortheo dropping knowledge here! Good stuff. Enjoying the journal! :)

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Day 80

Closer and closer to 90. Reflecting a bit on where I'm at right now. At this point I have really cemented some key daily habits:

  1. Getting 8+ hours of sleep every night.
  2. Daily morning bodyweight exercise using the Seven app.
  3. Daily morning meditation, 10 minutes. I like the Insight Timer app.
  4. Daily reading, whenever I have time.
  5. Doing this journal every day.

There are also a number of small habits I have, but they're more idiosyncratic to me so I won't list them. I also have some "negative habits" like "no video games" and "no porn". But In terms of things I try to make sure that I do every day, I like the above 5.

I have a number of social groups that I spend time with each week now, but that's out of the realm of habits and into the realm of lifestyle.

I have a friend who is a gamer who has asked me on multiple occasions what has replaced video games for me. And the biggest thing that's replaced it is honestly just being social. Developing my social skills is really rewarding, and I can see myself improving, which feels really good. I'm sure you can be social and play games of course, but I've never been very good at it. I find that I get a lot more out of being social than playing games though, even if I were playing games with other people. Gaming just makes me better at gaming, but socializing helps me grow as a person. At this point I get invited to things and I just say yes to them as much as I can. And then I meet more people, and it begins to snowball. I'm trying to put myself in at least one new situation a week so that I keep growing. This week I'm going to try to go to a fitness bootcamp. I also have a holiday party on Saturday that I want to attend.

I think in the past in my life I would get a point like this where my social life was going relatively well and I was pretty happy and content with where I was... and then something would happen that would make me stumble and fall back into a place where my social life wasn't really there and I wasn't happy again. I think I gamed a lot during these times too, because it was an easy alternative. But I feel more secure where I am now, for a few reasons. First, I don't have gaming to fall back on, but more importantly, because I have taken such an active and conscious role in creating my social life that it feels like I have more control over it than in the past. In the past, I felt sort of at the mercy of my high school or college social environment to provide friends for me (not really true, but that's how I felt at the time). It felt kind of helpless. This time, I feel like I am choosing how and when I am social, and I understand how to meet new people when I want to. So that's empowering.

Gratitude

  1. Butter cookies.
  2. Coworkers at least trying to be nice.
  3. Learning about network devices.
  4. Learning about people.
  5. Backups that work.
  6. Poinsettia on my desk.
  7. Feeling healthy and rested this morning.
  8. Feeling organized.
  9. Green tea.
  10. Skyping with friends.

 

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Day 81

"What's the point?" - a thought in my head right now. Not in a despairing sense, but in a genuinely curious sense. Why am I doing this? Where am I going? What do I want out of life?

My identity continues to shift as I leave gaming behind. When I was gaming, I would meet my obligations and then spend my free time gaming. If I didn't have a job or a relationship, I would pursue those. But once I got to that place - I had my own apartment, had a girlfriend, had a job - it felt like I had done everything I needed to do, and I would just spend my free time gaming. On paper this was great. In reality, I wasn't growing, or at least not in the ways that I wanted to be growing. It felt pretty stagnant once the shiny-newness of it all wore off. It felt like I had climbed to the local maximum of my life, the top of the hill. It just wasn't a very large hill, and the goal of my life after that was pretty much gaming. That's not what I aspired to - in my head of course I had bigger dreams - but as a practical reality? If you looked at how I spent my time, it was gaming. Essentially, my goal was to be entertained as much as possible and to deal with uncomfortable feelings as little as possible, even if this was unconscious.

But it turns out that there are bigger hills out there to climb; mountains, even. In order to get to them though, you have to climb down the hill that you're currently on. This can involve low points, emotional pain, ending relationships, challenging yourself, getting uncomfortable. Because in order to get to a better relationship, for example, you have to go through the low of a breakup before you can be in a place to date someone new. This generalizes somewhat - in order to get better hobbies and a better life, you have to go through the struggle of pulling the bad parts out of your life. You have to make room for the new by clearing out the old. You can't be on two hills at once.

So what is my identity now? Do I need a label even? I guess I don't. But two new things are clear: I'm someone who doesn't game, and I'm someone who enjoys exercising and is actively social. This didn't use to be the case. So that's progress!

Gratitude

  1. Egg Nog!
  2. Work lunch party today.
  3. Evernote, cool application.
  4. Not panicking when work problems rear their heads.
  5. Finding great chinos and a shirt last night.
  6. Sticking to my habits.
  7. Working on my appearance instead of letting it go.
  8. Being productive.
  9. Writing.
  10. Giving back.

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All good questions to be asking and to continue asking. If you haven't read "A Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, yet, that would be a great one to dive into soon.

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All good questions to be asking and to continue asking. If you haven't read "A Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, yet, that would be a great one to dive into soon.

Thanks, I've heard of that one. I'll add it to the list.

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Day 82

Yesterday we had an employee appreciation lunch. It was held at a Dave and Busters, which I had never been to before. It's a huge restaurant / bar that has an arcade and billiards section, etc. It was a lot of fun, and we were given credits for the arcade and such. I ended up winning a $25 gift card and bottle of wine from a work give-away thing, and one of my co-workers who is about to retire gave everyone Starbucks gift cards. Overall it was a great event and many people were recognized for the good work they do, and for what certifications or training they have gained that year, etc.

I was chatting and getting to know a new co-worker, and then we went out as a group to the arcade. I played a couple games that I would count as video games - 1 song on Guitar Hero, and a few minutes in a shooting game - but I think the conclusion I'm coming to is that playing arcade games with a social group isn't really a big deal. The primary need they meet in that context is social, which is healthy. I also played other games that weren't truly video games, but more like skill games (games that involve shooting balls into holes, or jumping to a rhythm, or hitting lit up buttons really quickly in a pattern, etc). Interestingly though, it actually felt weird to play the actual video games, and I felt more drawn to the skill games, and the ones that were multiplayer felt more interactive and like I was connecting more with the people around me.

Then, later in the evening I went to my weekly trivia group and it was fine. I was judging one guy in the group for being really socially inept; he was awkward and it made me uncomfortable. But then I noticed he was wearing a wristband that said something about autism on it and I figured he was autistic, so I cut him some slack, and in fact respected him for being out and meeting people. Perspective is a funny thing.

Things with N kind of fizzled, which I'm actually happy about. It was good for what it was, and now it's over, and that's fine. Maybe she was a way for me to process the end of my last relationship. I'm not sure. But she was taking up a lot of my time. Now that we're not talking as much anymore, I have more time to focus on myself and my personal development, which feels really satisfying at this point in my life. I just feel like reading and journaling all the time as I process emotions and thoughts and get to know myself better.

I've always struggled with having a sense of belonging in life. I think relationships tend to give me that feeling - if you know you're very important to a particular person, you feel like you belong with them and you're valuable. But this isn't enough by itself and eventually it'll be clear that I need more. I need to find belonging in a community or group or multiple groups. I'm getting to know a lot of people in my life right now, and I'm a member of multiple groups, but I don't feel totally comfortable in all of them, or totally connected. I think it's a process that takes time.

Gratitude

  1. The great lunch my employer provided yesterday.
  2. Getting to know a co-worker better.
  3. Connecting with co-workers with games.
  4. Trivia last night.
  5. Time to focus on myself.
  6. Excitement for my job today.
  7. Excitement for the future.
  8. My health.
  9. Sleeping well recently.
  10. Family.
Edited by kortheo

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