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kortheo

My Journal - Travis

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Day 52

I'm having car trouble today, so took the day off of work to get it fixed. Not sure what the problem is just yet, but I'm hoping it won't be too bad. Anyway. Hanging out in a coffee shop while my car gets worked on. That said, I'm in a great mood. :)

I've managed to keep up with my 5k training fairly well. I have missed a day or two here and there but not bad. I am starting to notice my body changing. As someone who hasn't been very athletic before, this is really cool. Like for example - my heart feels like it's beating 'stronger' and less often. And I have some data - I can see from my Fitbit HR data that my average resting heart rate is decreasing over time. Very cool! And also of course, the running is getting easier, too :).

I've continued to kind of 'refresh' my apartment. Cleaning and replacing and buying things that I've wanted for a while but have never gotten around to getting. It feels great to invest in my space.

I'm going to hang out with The Girl again on Saturday. Looking forward to that. We have been texting a decent amount this week. It's an interesting time for me, because I think my emotional self-awareness and relationship knowledge is much much higher than last time I was dating someone. I'm trying to take things slow, look out for red flags, not get too invested, etc. I'm pretty conscious of my emotional boundaries. It's an awesome opportunity for practice and growth which I'm grateful for.

Game Quitter's Challenge

So I'm sort of taking a hiatus from GQC for the moment. I feel like I have enough going on in my life and enough growth happening in other areas that I don't have room for much more. I know that I will come back to it because there are going to be times when the remaining topics it covers are going to be relevant. But for now I'm working on the current projects and routines and social groups that I have going... I think I am in a good place. Nonetheless, the GQC has proven to be a very useful tool, and I will come back to it.

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. The opportunities for growth that I have right now.
  2. How excited my niece always is to see me when I visit.
  3. That my job is flexible enough to allow me to take time off when I legitimately need to.
  4. That I can go to my dad for advice on practical matters (cars, home repairs, etc)
  5. Feeling great today.
  6. The cool cloudy weather today.
  7. Making progress on projects at work.
  8. Friends who can give me honest feedback.
  9. Being in good health.
  10. The contact lenses that I recently got :)

 

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Awesome to hear things are going so well. One cautionary note: When we start doing well and have momentum, we feel like we've got this and it's easy for us to forget what brought us there in the first place. At first we do well, but over time (due to us abandoning the habits that built the momentum in the first place), our momentum slows and eventually we wonder why things aren't going so well anymore. It's easy to justify in the moment, we're busier, things are going well and we're optimistic about the future. I've been in this spot many, many times.

So just make sure in this moment, you double down on the habits that have contributed to you bouncing back so well in 50 days, and don't get complacent. With the right approach (the right continued habits), your momentum will continue to build and snowball day after day.

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oAwesome to hear things are going so well. One cautionary note: When we start doing well and have momentum, we feel like we've got this and it's easy for us to forget what brought us there in the first place. At first we do well, but over time (due to us abandoning the habits that built the momentum in the first place), our momentum slows and eventually we wonder why things aren't going so well anymore. It's easy to justify in the moment, we're busier, things are going well and we're optimistic about the future. I've been in this spot many, many times.

So just make sure in this moment, you double down on the habits that have contributed to you bouncing back so well in 50 days, and don't get complacent. With the right approach (the right continued habits), your momentum will continue to build and snowball day after day.

Yeah, you're right, this is very good advice, so thanks for mentioning it. I have experienced that before as well, and I don't want to get cocky. There are certain things I'm going to make sure I for sure keep doing. My morning routine for instance is key, I believe, as is posting here and getting feedback and encouragement. I even get the voice in the back of my head that says I could go back to video games (not going to happen). And I definitely need to make a commitment to continuing to go to the social events that I have found.

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Day 53

This week has been weird. I only worked Monday. Tuesday I took off because of my car. Today is Veteran's day, which I have off - and my car is going to be in the shop until Thursday, so I'm sort of homebound. So this is definitely not a normal week. My sleep schedule is off, and I can't really go to coffee shops etc because I lack my car.

I've been continuing to text with the girl I met last weekend. At this point we've talked a lot... and I'm realizing it's probably not really healthy. I feel like I'm kind of in a haze from it. But it's a normal pattern for my relationships. We're both enjoying the conversations we have, but it's easy to go a bit overboard... I mean, we've spent 2 hours in person, and probably texted for like 8-10 hours. We're both into each other clearly, but it's probably a bit much too quickly. Trying to take a step back and regain perspective. I like her, but I really barely know her. It's easy to create a fantasy in your head when you're just texting a lot. It's not real.

I'm going to trivia tonight, so that'll be good. A friend is picking me up... I'll be able to get out of the house and be around other people. Tomorrow, I'm going to a work training thing with coworkers, and they're picking me up thankfully, so I don't need my car.

 I've been maintaining my habits pretty well. But I'm definitely a bit less happy today. Talking with this girl is throwing me off. I'm too preoccupied with her now. I feel like the focus on myself has shifted and I'm suddenly less interested in my own personal projects and goals. Like you said Cam, I need to make sure I don't lose track of how I got to where I'm at.

I have therapy on Friday, and I'm also going in for a physical. And I should have my car back. I think that's going to be a good day. :) 

Gratitude

I'm grateful for...

  1. Modern telecommunications.
  2. Self-awareness.
  3. Sleep.
  4. That my heater works now.
  5. That there is a great car repair shop walking distance from where I live.
  6. That I'm going to trivia tonight.
  7. That. my coworkers are picking me up tomorrow.
  8. That I'll get to learn great stuff tomorrow.
  9. That I have an Xmas gift for my coworker that I think he'll love.
  10. Getting dinner with my dad last night.

 

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Great for doing the Xmas shopping early!

Whenever some event throws me off course, I focus too much on it. To me, the most successful mindset is to focus on our habits every day - simply because habits are something we can control. The outcome we can not. 

Events are something that sort of happens on the side.

As a scientist, it is the same: you practise your experiments, and the findings you do are a biproduct of your work.

Of course, when those events are not occuring to your satisfaction, then you can adjust your habits accordingly. 

But then as always, the focus is on our habits. That what we can control. If we focus on something like one specific girl, a specific amount of weight we want to lose or a promotion at work, we surrender to something out of our own control. That can't make us happy on the long run.

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Great for doing the Xmas shopping early!

Whenever some event throws me off course, I focus too much on it. To me, the most successful mindset is to focus on our habits every day - simply because habits are something we can control. The outcome we can not. 

Events are something that sort of happens on the side.

As a scientist, it is the same: you practise your experiments, and the findings you do are a biproduct of your work.

Of course, when those events are not occuring to your satisfaction, then you can adjust your habits accordingly. 

But then as always, the focus is on our habits. That what we can control. If we focus on something like one specific girl, a specific amount of weight we want to lose or a promotion at work, we surrender to something out of our own control. That can't make us happy on the long run.

Well put, Florian. I think I am doing what you say - trying to focus on my habits. Sometimes this requires doing things that we may not feel like doing in the moment. For example, I went to my trivia group last night even though I was tired and not feeling particularly social at the time. But I still had a good time, and it's important because it helps establish me as a regular in that social group. It also got my mind off the girl, so it was healthy over all. Our habits can help us stay steady when the winds might throw us off course.

 

Day 54

Today was better. This has been an unusual week in several ways; things are starting to go back to normal. I did have work today, so I had something to occupy my time rather than sitting around and texting. It was unusual too though, in that I went with coworkers to a workshop in another city. But it was informative, I got free lunch, and I met cool people. So that was great.

The other thing that is back to normal is that my car is fixed! I noticed that I felt much better after I got my car back. Living in southern California, not having a car really reduces your agency. I'm lucky enough to live with some things in walking distance, but by and large it's impractical to get anywhere of note without a car. I sort of felt less whole and less empowered without it. As soon as I got it back I went off and ran some errands. I feel much better!

And tomorrow is my day off! I have therapy and a doctor's appt, and I'm getting lunch with my sister. And then I'll probably go buy some hiking gear for a hike I'm going on this weekend. In the evening I'm meeting with friends for a movie. I'm excited for tomorrow.

Last thing - haven't texted the girl today since we both were busy with work. That fact, plus the other things above - I'm feeling less jarred by the whole situation. My brain keeps wanting to make more of the situation than it is - ultimately I can't progress mentally with this until I see her again on Saturday (hiking).

 

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. Having my car fixed!
  2. The awesome service I got from the local mechanic that I had my car fixed at.
  3. The free food I got today.
  4. Spending the day in a nice place and learning a lot.
  5. The awesome new kitchen trashcan I got today.
  6. Seeing my therapist tomorrow.
  7. The free time I have to think and reflect tonight.
  8. That I have a three day weekend ahead.
  9. That nothing has been too stressful at my job lately.
  10. That my hands feel more or less back to normal :).
Edited by kortheo

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Great for doing the Xmas shopping early!

Whenever some event throws me off course, I focus too much on it. To me, the most successful mindset is to focus on our habits every day - simply because habits are something we can control. The outcome we can not. 

Events are something that sort of happens on the side.

As a scientist, it is the same: you practise your experiments, and the findings you do are a biproduct of your work.

Of course, when those events are not occuring to your satisfaction, then you can adjust your habits accordingly. 

But then as always, the focus is on our habits. That what we can control. If we focus on something like one specific girl, a specific amount of weight we want to lose or a promotion at work, we surrender to something out of our own control. That can't make us happy on the long run.

Well put, Florian. I think I am doing what you say - trying to focus on my habits. Sometimes this requires doing things that we may not feel like doing in the moment. For example, I went to my trivia group last night even though I was tired and not feeling particularly social at the time. But I still had a good time, and it's important because it helps establish me as a regular in that social group. It also got my mind off the girl, so it was healthy over all. Our habits can help us stay steady when the winds might throw us off course.

That's exactly what I meant. Keep on keeping on!

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Day 55

I'll just do a short entry today because I'm about to head out to a friend's place. I had a good day today. I missed my morning routine but I still managed to do it all in the afternoon, which was good. After this bizareness of the week I feel like my emotions are going back to normal. I had lunch with my sister and got caught up on some family drama which was nice. But it was also an opportunity to connect with my sister and support her since she's going through a hard time right now. So I was happy to be able to help her out by being someone who would listen to her.

Got a physical done at the doctor today. Waiting on my lab results but I seem to be in fine health, ha. I also worked out and trained for my 5k. Going to watch a movie with friends now.

Gratitude

  1. I am grateful for my therapist.
  2. I am grateful for my niece.
  3. I am grateful for my sister, and all the hard work she's doing for our family right now.
  4. I am grateful that I am beginning to understand myself and my relationships better.
  5. I am grateful that I will have a nice night with friends.
  6. I am grateful that I got a good night's sleep last night.
  7. I am grateful for how things are developing with the girl.
  8. I am grateful for my confidence and self-esteem.
  9. I am grateful for being free of pain.
  10. I am grateful that my new doctor was very personable and really listened to me.

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 Day 57

Missed my journal yesterday, but it's OK.

This week was just totally unusual - the coming week should be more normal and easier to stick to my routine.

The girl and I are just going to be friends. Which is disappointing, but ultimately a good thing. There was chemistry, but we wanted different things. But, she's really cool and I need more friends, so it's all good. I learned a lot from getting to know her this week. She thought it was very impressive I quit video games. In her words, 'lots of people always say they're going to do something like that, but never do.'

I have allowed my sleep cycle to get off this week, which led to my appetite getting off as well. I haven't been eating well as a result. Yesterday I overexerted myself and felt pretty sick for a few hours. Lightheaded, etc. I'm feeling better today. I'm going to work on taking better care of myself this week.

I've been taking every opportunity to be social, so I've been busy a lot of nights lately. It means I'm not sticking perfectly to all my habits, but I'm gaining other things instead. Right now I'm trying to say yes to new experiences and meet as many people as I can.

I'm also going to start online dating again, so that should be interesting. Not looking for anything serious, but I think I'm at a point in my life where I want to date casually and meet people and learn about different personalities, what I like and don't like.

I'm realizing that who I am is slowly changing. By that I mean not that I'm becoming a totally different person. But we are what we do, in a sense. I am doing totally different things than I used to. So in that sense, I'm different.

 

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. My friend Kelsey giving me honest feedback.
  2. Everything I learned this week.
  3. Having had a lot of days off.
  4. Friends I saw last night.
  5. Friends I will be seeing later today.
  6. Having some disposable income.
  7. Still being game-free.
  8. Still doing nofap.
  9. Getting my blood work back from my physical and have it all be in the healthy range :)
  10. Being single at this time in my life.

 

 

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Day 58

Okay, now I need to take a step back and re-evaluate some things.

Last night I was out with friends for dinner. I had a couple of sodas. I wasn't thinking about the caffeine at the time, but I'm pretty sensitive to caffeine, and it ended up keeping me up at night. So as a result, I didn't get enough sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was still tired and I slept in, because I didn't have the energy to get up and meditate and do my bodyweight exercises. So now I'm at work, and I haven't done my habits, and my confidence is slightly lowered. Caffeine is kind of addictive, so it's easy to keep repeating this cycle. I now realize that for me limiting my caffeine consumption, or not having caffeine later in the day, isn't just something nice that I would like to do, but it's actually a keystone habit. If I have too much caffeine, then I won't sleep well, and everything falls apart from there.

I spent the bulk of yesterday working on online dating profiles. I was getting feedback from friends and I did get asked "Don't you want to wait and be single for a while first?" My initial response was no, because it's not like I'm looking to jump back into a committed relationship. But after some reflection I'm thinking maybe they're right, maybe I'm not ready for this. I realize that in order to be successful in dating I need to have a full and healthy life. I am on my way to having that, but it's still in its beginning stages. Maybe I should hold off and keep doing what I'm doing for a while. Trying to add dating on top of it might be more than I can handle right now.

Still training for my 5k. It happens next week! After that is over, I think I'm going to add a new physical activity to my life in place of, or in addition to, running - probably rock climbing!

Still no desire to go back to video games. I now see the things in life that really matter to me, that I really want to work on. And it feels really good to make progress on them and learn about life. Socializing becomes easier the more that I do it. :).

 

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. Podcasts, because their information actually does change my life
  2. Guided meditations that help me get to sleep when I'm anxious
  3. Having a warm place to sleep.
  4. Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance, which had me entertained and educated both last night.
  5. My job.
  6. All the friends I've made in the last 2 weeks.
  7. Having spare time to read.
  8. Being healthy.
  9. Having a functioning vehicle in good condition.
  10. That my family is in good health.

EDIT:


One thing I wanted to try adding here was one thing that I did well yesterday. It came up in a conversation with a friend that I often sell myself short and don't feel proud enough of my accomplishments, so I wanted to work on recognizing what I do well.

I'm proud of myself for being vulnerable enough with my friend to ask for feedback on my dating profile and pictures, even though I felt self-conscious about it. I got good feedback and learned something new as a result of taking that small risk.

Edited by kortheo

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Hey Travis,

Glad to hear things are going well for you!  It is awesome that you are so perceptive about the things happening in your life.  I just got caught up on your journal, and I am impressed by your ability to reevaluate your circumstances and the reasoning behind what you are doing.  It sounds like there is a huge fear of being alone that is causing you to search out a relationship so soon after just ending a long term one, and you clearly recognized that and are adjusting accordingly.  Well done there :).

Something I wanted to suggest is the use of Uber/Lyft or any other ridesharing app.  It is super convenient, and really not all that expensive.  Especially if you refer a few people and such.  It is a great way to get around when you don't have means for transportation, and I'm sure in SoCal there is an active community of ridesharing.  Look into that next time you feel stranded :).  It is also awesome to use when you know you are going to be drinking lol.

It seems like your routine is sort of slipping a little bit recently.  Not trying to be critical, because I myself am absolute shit at sticking to my routine, but I hope you recognize this and figure out what may be the reason behind that.  Whether it is a lack of being social, or the need for another relationship, or whatever else it may be going on in your life.  Just letting you know that from experience it is very difficult to climb back out of any hole you end up digging for yourself.  Best to try to prevent from slipping in the first place lol.

Regardless, you are doing extremely well, and I hope you are feeling happier with where you are in life right now!  Keep up the awesome work, friend!

Hey Chris, thanks for the comment.

No, you're correct that my routine is slipping a bit. It's not entirely bad - it's not slipping in that I'm spending my time on video games or super unhealthy things. But I am a bit off course. I'm going to try to get back on track. :). I still feel like I'm making good progress, it's just a bit non-linear. I learned a ton about myself and relationships in the last week, actually, from talking with the girl. However, it was a huge distraction from my other habits and goals because I jumped in too much. So I guess to your point, the reason that my habits are getting off track is because of the felt need for another relationship. I think a lot of it was just the validation and attention that I got out of it. I think that means I'm not at the point in my life where I'm actually ready to start dating, because if I were to actually start dating it would destroy my habits... so I need to do more work on myself.

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Day 59

Okay, doing better today. Yesterday I toned down the caffeine. Last night I got home, meditated and did my 5k training. Then I ate dinner (a big dinner, thankfully my appetite is back). Then I read for an hour or 2 and went to bed early - no caffeine meant I was actually sleepy.

I woke up this morning, early actually, and meditated again and did my morning bodyweight workout. I ate breakfast (which I've recently got into the habit of doing again - greek yogurt, berries, oatmeal) and left and got to work on time. So far so good, my habits are on track :).

Echoing my thinking from yesterday, I don't think I'm ready to date yet. I thought I was fine because I wasn't feeling much negative emotion about my last breakup, but the reality is that I don't think I can put in all the effort needed for online dating while also focusing on my job and on improving myself and my life. I can see clearly what I need to work on, so I'll direct my energy to that. If I happen to meet someone IRL though, then I won't necessarily turn it away. But we'll see.

Gratitude

I'm grateful...

  1. That my projects at work are going well.
  2. That my car is working well :).
  3. That I'm growing as a person
  4. That I ate breakfast this morning and feel good as a result.
  5. That I have can stick to my habits when I put my mind to it.
  6. That my 5k training is going well.
  7. That there's a good Jiu Jitsu studio near where I live (I'm curious to try it).
  8. That nothing serious is wrong in my life now.
  9. That I'm getting clarity on my needs and wants.
  10. That I'm becoming the person who I want to be.

EDIT: Also, one thing I did well: I'm proud of myself for getting a full night's sleep last night and limiting caffeine during the day.

Edited by kortheo

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Taking time away from dating can be beneficial - I don't do any online dating myself, I'm happy to continue to focus on growing as much as I can and allowing opportunities to present themselves when they do - although now I have a girlfriend but that was my approach before I met her as well - and we did just meet at a wine night put on by a friend, which I attended because I wanted to have an active social life. Continue to focus on you, this is a good time where you are learning and growing a lot, and it will have an impact on who you meet in the future. :)

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Taking time away from dating can be beneficial - I don't do any online dating myself, I'm happy to continue to focus on growing as much as I can and allowing opportunities to present themselves when they do - although now I have a girlfriend but that was my approach before I met her as well - and we did just meet at a wine night put on by a friend, which I attended because I wanted to have an active social life. Continue to focus on you, this is a good time where you are learning and growing a lot, and it will have an impact on who you meet in the future. :)

Definitely. I think one goal I may have is just to build my social life up so that I'm meeting girls in real life. If that's the case, it's probably a good sign that I have a healthy social life. Online dating almost allows one to short circuit that requirement and meet people when you might not be ready.

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Day 60

This feels like a milestone - 2/3 to 90!

I have a few reflections for today. First, I don't really have any cravings for games any more. Actually, this hasn't been something I've struggled with much on this journey. I don't want to get over-confident and say it'll never happen, but at this point, it's not a struggle for me to stay away from games, thankfully. Where all my effort goes to is making improvements in my life.

Second, I'm not expanding my comfort zone much at the moment. I feel instead like my effort goes to staying consistent in the areas I've added to my life recently. So, going to events that I like every week, sticking to my habits, making the effort to be vulnerable, etc. This also means saying "yes" whenever I'm invited out if possible. I guess there are elements of expanding my comfort zone, but right now it feels like I'm making slow consistent progress rather than by high intensity leaps and jumps of comfort zone expansion. I think that both approaches are good, but maybe at different times.

Third, I think over the past 60 days I've been more confident and happy on average than I have been during any other part of my life. I don't think that's an exaggeration. It's quite a striking change for me. I'm learning to be social intentionally, to choose the shape I want my life to have, to be myself around other people, and to ask for what I want in life. It's a very good feeling.

As good as this all is, I still know that I have a long way to go. This is just the beginning. It's funny, because even though I'm happier and more confident now, I also can see my own potential and how far from it I am. Or, how many things that I want to try and do that I just haven't yet. I want to do rock climbing, jiu jitsu, get a road bike, go hiking more, maybe try improv. Notably these are all either active or social things - the areas of my life that I have always been afraid to explore in the past. I think I was afraid because they were either out of my comfort zone, and outside of what I was good at, or because I was afraid of being vulnerable. But I don't think I'll be my full self until I've explored these areas more. So, I know the map of what I need to try and where I need to go, it's just a matter of walking it.

Gratitude

I'm grateful...

  1. For the software on my computer that reminds me to take breaks, to prevent RSI.
  2. That I got 8+ hours of sleep the last 2 nights.
  3. That I've been less stressed at work lately.
  4. That I have clear goals to strive for.
  5. That Thanksgiving is next week!
  6. That I was able to share an app with a friend yesterday that they really liked.
  7. That I'm getting back on track with my habits.
  8. That I'm learning about relationships.
  9. For the clean air in my office.
  10. That work will slow down next month.

Appreciation

  1. I'm proud of myself for sticking with my 5k training. When I tell people I'm training for a 5k, everyone always has a really positive reaction!
  2. I'm proud of myself for sticking with this journal. I've missed a few days, but been pretty consistent overall. It is a great habit to keep myself at least a little more self-aware than usual :), and to keep a record of my progress.

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Day 61

I know I keep talking about it, but... I have been spending a lot of time thinking about relationships lately. This post discusses both friendly and romantic relationships. Hope I'm not a broken record, but it really matters to me right now. I've been binge listening to the Mating Grounds podcast, reading Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance (great read) (and other relationship/dating books), and reflecting upon my own relationships. This is pretty typical for me when I seriously engage with a new area of life - I take in a ton of information. Eventually it coalesces into a new outlook. Obviously I've thought about relationships before, but this is the first time I've really been intentional about them. Relationships have always just sort of happened to me in the past. Through all of this I'm changing my beliefs and perspective on relationships a lot. There are so many incorrect or unhelpful beliefs about relationships that society feeds us, and it's empowering to replace them with a framework for understanding relationships that I find much more helpful. I won't get into too much detail, but needless to say this is exciting and important for me.

I went to trivia again last night. There were some new faces on the Meetup event this week so I was excited to meet new people. But in reality the newer people didn't catch my interest and they were at the opposite end of our (long) table, so I couldn't interact much. I still had a good time, but it wasn't necessarily as fun as I expected. I think it drove home for me the reality of how much time and effort and going out and being social it can take to really build a social life that you are happy with and proud of. I've only been doing this for like a month, really, if that. On the Mating Grounds podcast they occasionally talk about how having a fully and fulfilling life, including a social life, is a great way to meet women - because if you're happy and fulfilled you'll be naturally attractive. Of course meeting women isn't the only goal here, since we're talking about general happiness. But they also say that to develop that life can take easily take 1 - 2 years. It's not easy, it takes a lot of work! I can't magically expect that just because I've met some people recently that all my problems are solved. I'm not sitting alone in my apartment playing video games anymore, but that doesn't mean my work is done.

It's easy for me to underestimate how long relationships take to form. In the same way that it's easy to think "If I just go to some meetups and meet people, then I'll be social and then I'm done. That's it!", it's easy to think "If I can get a date with a girl and she likes me then it'll all work out and that's all I have to do." I'm realizing that I have these beliefs unconsciously and I'm realizing that they aren't helpful or accurate. The reality is that in order to have a fulfilling social life, I need to try a lot of new events and activities. I need to meet people and put in effort to get to know them. I need to invite people to things. I need to say yes when I'm invited. I need to be consistent and keep going out with them and allow time for the relationships to deepen. I need to take risks and try things that might not be in my comfort zone. I need to learn about people and figure out who I actually want to spend time with. In short, I need to put in the work, be intentional about it, and do it for a while. In the same way, to get what I want out of dating, I can't be so insecure that I fall for the first girl who shows interest in me, as I've always done in the past. I need to make an effort to meet a lot of women, ask them out and get to know them a bit, decide what I like and what I don't, take things slow so I don't get swept away, be honest with myself and with them about what I'm looking for, etc. Socializing is a lot more complicated than just going to one meetup group, and dating is (or can be) a lot more complicated than simply finding one person to date. This doesn't necessarily apply to everyone - but it does apply to what I want for myself.

I am definitely an introvert. But I think a lot of introverts use their introversion as a shield to hide behind, to justify why they aren't socializing and meeting people. I certainly used to. It's a way to rationalize away your unhappiness. The key take away for me isn't that introverts aren't social and extraverts are, or something like that. That's just wrong. The key takeaway is that introverts and extraverts are differently social. Extraverts tend to like larger groups and higher energy situations, and socialize more often, perhaps. But as an introvert I still like socializing and it's still critical for my happiness. I just like socializing with smaller groups in lower energy situations, and maybe a bit less often. But I still need to socialize regularly and be around people, and I still need to make it a priority in my life. The couple of periods in my life when I've been most social have also been the happiest periods of my life, no question. Now that I think about it, in some sense, I probably never really viewed myself as a social person growing up - not because I didn't want to be, but maybe because I didn't believe that I deserved it. I think I'm coming to a point where I can say - yes, I'm normal, I deserve to have a social life I'm happy with. I am allowed to do that.

I guess I had a lot to say today. And I could say more, but I'll stop. I think I'm making good progress here, though. Have a good day, everyone.

 

Gratitude

I'm grateful for...

  1. The realizations I had writing this entry.
  2. Getting invited to sushi by coworkers today.
  3. Having the time to write this entry.
  4. My neighbor's adorable, stupid dog that sneaks into my yard and charges at me on random evenings.
  5. Everyone who came out to trivia last night.
  6. The 7 app, for being awesome :).
  7. Staying friends with the girl.
  8. Being honest with myself.
  9. My commute being calm and stress free this morning.
  10. No serious problems at work today.

Appreciation: I'm proud of myself for sticking with my morning routine the past few days and getting enough sleep. Also, I'm 50% through NoFap hardmode 90 days, and 66~% through 90 days of no games, which feels pretty amazing :).

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Lots of growth happening here. It's exciting. :)

I'd recommend The Alabaster Girl by Zan Perrion. It's one of my favorites on relationships. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover is also recommended.

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Lots of growth happening here. It's exciting. :)

I'd recommend The Alabaster Girl by Zan Perrion. It's one of my favorites on relationships. No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover is also recommended.

I am maybe 1/3 through The Alabaster Girl. Love it so far, but it is long! I put it down to read some other books, but now that I'm done with Modern Romance maybe I'll go back to it.

No More Mr. Nice Guy sounds, from the title, like it may be helpful for me. Another thing that I haven't talked about here, but have been thinking about lately, is owning and asserting my sexuality instead of kind of being a pushover or really passive. I've always considered myself a feminist or a feminist ally - I grew up with a lot of close female friends and I think women are awesome - but I think I went a bit too far in that I began to view male sexuality as somehow negative. So I'm trying to fix that and see it as valid. Books like these help.

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Day 62

I realized last night that I am rushing. After all the progress I have made, my goals have shifted to be much larger than they used to be. And with that goalpost shift, I feel much further away from achieving what I want than I used to. Being aware of that, I'm trying to get there as fast as I possibly can. And when I realize the slower pace that I am taking (which isn't actually that slow - and which can't be helped, personal change and growth can only happen so quickly) I get frustrated.

So... I guess what I need to learn now is patience and acceptance. I am where I am. I can only go so quickly. Rushing won't help me. I need balance - I can't focus all my energy on trying to get better fast as possible, or I'll burn out.

It's like... now that I realize I can actually have friends again, a social life again, I suddenly realize that I don't have the ideal friends and social life that I want, and that is cause for discomfort and frustration.

I start to wonder if there's somewhere else I could be living that would better suit me. Even just moving an hour south to San Diego would be nice - I get the impression that there are more young people there, more people in general, more meetup groups that seem fun, more cool things to check out and do. But that would mean I would need a new job, and I have a (really) good job right now. I guess that's the primary concern. It wouldn't make sense, career-wise. It would be a huge life shift. I think for me it has to happen eventually though.  I know I can't live here forever. At the same time though, I can probably be happy where I'm at now, if I put in the work, take my time, and build my social life. Simply moving won't help if I don't take time to develop my interests and meet people. Put another way, I can't decide that I need to move because I'm unhappy here if I haven't even given myself a chance to be happy here. I think this impulse might be irrational though. It's like I want to go where more opportunity is because I don't feel connected here. But if I were to take the time to feel connected here, I wouldn't feel the need to move. Hopefully this makes sense, I know it's a bit muddled.

I guess the fact that I'm feeling these things means that I am making progress, though. I'm making changes, and that's prompting me to think and see things differently. 

I don't know what the answer is. I guess I'll take things one day at a time. It feels hard to have a handle on everything in my life right now.

On the plus side, I've done great at sticking to my habits this week.

 

Gratitude

I am grateful for...

  1. Friday.
  2. Going to lunch with my coworkers today.
  3. The privilege of living in a 1st world country.
  4. Coffee.
  5. This wonderful ergonomic keyboard.
  6. My health.
  7. My improving fitness as I continue to workout and train for my 5k.
  8. My warm bed.
  9. My friends.
  10. My coworkers being nice, fun people.

Appreciation: I am proud that ate food I had on hand last night rather than spending money by going out to eat unnecessarily.

 

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Day 62

I start to wonder if there's somewhere else I could be living that would better suit me. Even just moving an hour south to San Diego would be nice - I get the impression that there are more young people there, more people in general, more meetup groups that seem fun, more cool things to check out and do. But that would mean I would need a new job, and I have a (really) good job right now. I guess that's the primary concern. It wouldn't make sense, career-wise. It would be a huge life shift. I think for me it has to happen eventually though.  I know I can't live here forever. At the same time though, I can probably be happy where I'm at now, if I put in the work, take my time, and build my social life. Simply moving won't help if I don't take time to develop my interests and meet people. Put another way, I can't decide that I need to move because I'm unhappy here if I haven't even given myself a chance to be happy here. I think this impulse might be irrational though. It's like I want to go where more opportunity is because I don't feel connected here. But if I were to take the time to feel connected here, I wouldn't feel the need to move. Hopefully this makes sense, I know it's a bit muddled.

Hey Travis, maybe you can branch out slowly. You could go on Linkedin (or on meetup.com) and contact people that work in the San Diego area to meet up, maybe even over Skype. If they are in your business space, maybe you can offer to do something for them or give some advice? Then, gradually, you might ease into a different branch of your career.

If you don't want to do a drastic career jump, small steps might work. And who knows? You just need one person who offers you a job that makes as much sense as your current one, and then the transfer is easy(er than you think).

At the very least, you make new friends.

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Hey guys - thanks for the replies. You both give good advice. You're right that I don't have to think of it as a huge all or nothing thing. I could simply start by maybe updating my resume and putting it out there. It doesn't hurt and I can still stay where I'm at if I want, while also being on the look out for other opportunities.

I totally understand where you are coming from in terms of needing to find some patience.  I had been struggling with that, and then recently I just lost patience and kind of gave up.  Now I've set myself back a little bit and have even more work to do to start seeing the results I want.  This stuff unfortunately takes time, and that is something I'm definitely still struggling with.  It's awesome to see how committed you are though, and it's fairly inspiring, so keep up the great work man!  Congrats on the good week and you're getting so close to that 90 day milestone!  Keep on struggling though it all, friend!

Thanks for the encouragement! I am grateful that you find my story inspiring. I don't think it matters how many setbacks you have, even if you're back to square 1, but I would just ask you not to give up! No matter where we're at we can always make progress. The only thing that will hold you back is stopping completely and giving up. Clearly you aren't stopping altogether though - after all, you're still reading this forum and posting. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me and making and effort to give back when you feel that you're struggling yourself. That's really great.

If I call recall correctly you're in your early 20s still? 23 or something? I definitely struggled a lot at that age. To a large degree it just gets better with a bit more time and being a bit older. Try to keep a broader perspective and keep on working on yourself :).

Edited by kortheo

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Why not accept the current state you are in right now and stick to small but reasonable goals?
If I were to start playing guitar with my goal to be as good as Jimmy Page then I would be demotivated as well. Learning anything takes effort and practice, from my experience. Stick 10 minutes a day to whatever you want to improve at for 100 days and you will see results over time. I'm pretty sure you can make 10 minutes free of your time. You see, you have to get rid of the instant-gratification. I know it sucks, but if it were easy everybody would do it.

As for moving out, I can somewhat relate. I don't want to live my life in the current place where I'm living. I want to meet new people as well and experience new things. There's this idea in my mind that my surroundings is full of jocks, but I know there are likeminded people, I just have to find them. Unfortunately I'm at college at this point and nowhere in the financial position to move out of house for now. But you have a stable job which I by the way recommend to keep for now. You can put your curriculum vitae online of course and see where it gets you. As long as you don't quit your job BEFORE you got a new one. I'm nowhere in the position to tell you what to do but don't make irrational decisions based on impulses. For example: my sister got herself a pug when she was recovering from a broken relationship, but now she's stuck with the dog. The decision was based on impulses and now she has to deal with it.
Best of luck progressing, I think you're doing great so far.

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