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Daily Journal Of My "Failure Life" so far.


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Natty here !

3 days csgo clean so far

I've been craving cs go so much.

a) What i hope to accomplish today:

- Exercise    ❌

- Eat Healthy    ✔

- No csgo    ✔ 

- Do not spend money on items    ❌

- Cook your own healthy meals    ✔

- Clean your dusty ass room    ✔

b) What I've accomplished so far (Day didn't end yet)

- Opened account, was about to add 10$ To bet .. Realized i am already in debt and that i'd be relapsing.. Quit the site and went for a walk (I feel sorta proud of myself)

"The day didn't end yet, this will be updated" :) "Ended up failing"

- I actually cleaned my room

- Ate healthy

C) Emotions:

- Ive never been this mad in my life, i am so upset idk why, i just feel angry, at my self perhaps, maybe because I haven't been playing or maybe because i am an idiot who relapsed and added 10$ to my account to bet won 35$ and as expected. Lost it all ... 

- I honestly can't put it to words right now because of how mad and frustrated i feel atm and all day. This honestly sucks.

- I am thinking of perhaps going for a run, but idk if i will.

- Phone decided to start Ghost clicking every 2 sec. so frustrating and such bad timing ..



Edited by Half_Natty
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Hi Natty, well done for getting a journal up! Keeping track of what you want to get done and then keeping yourself accountable by posting daily is a great reflection tool and powerful for long term change.

Good on you for not betting any money, it must have been hard to fight such a habit.

I feel your journal title might portray pessimism, but if you feel that pointing out your failures in such a way is beneficial, then I suppose it's best for you.

I look forward to seeing how your day goes! :)

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Grats! You are starting and being honest.  These first days are the worse.  Don't expect perfection, just do your best and keep learning what you need and what your triggers are. One of the things I use gaming for is stress distraction.  I get stressed and I want to game.  I now watch for my stress level and use things to relax me and keep me busy.   In the first days, I watched alot of game quitters videos and I started on the book respawn.  That was all I could handle the first bit.  Here are some starts

What to expect after you quit - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDpRDvFvImw

How to deal with cravings - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjLmwn_0GWM

This one really helped me let go of the just one more this or finish that concepts - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5jnmwt5Q9w

The 90 day detox that most of us started with.  I got an app and counted my days.  It helped to see it go up.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxdA10WKV6w

Others looked at the 60 habits and keep themselves busy through that methods.  Hang in there and be proud you started.

Edited by Kad
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Hey Natty,

First of all, congrats for your honest share !

I feel i lived exactly the same (and could happen again ?), but hold on ! I know I have had some really very trashed days, and they were many, really very many and very very trash (I remember the day I injured myself and did not realized for a ful day because I was hard gaming, just realized in the evening when I removed my clothes full of blood and then had to go to hospital several times).

What's helping me is to watch Cam videos when I feel (felt ? wish I can already speak about past time of my life) bad, and of course get away from computers, but it may be more difficult if you don't really have to.

Also, am trying to disgust myself in situations that even in trash days, I could not accept. For me it worked very well for stoping cigarettes: I could not stand coughing in front of woman I wanted to seduce, could not stand seeing my yellow fingers on a piano. For games, it's not that obvious, but I think that my back and arms pains are coming from hard core gaming. And that's hurting a lot my work (also my passion). Will see if it works because it is not as clear as cigarettes effects.

Anyway, hold on ! It will change soon !

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Thank you guys, it means alot having people not judging me.

Day 4 ! 

Still cs go clean, deleted that game and didn't re-install so far. 

Still craving it Tbh but not as much as yesterday, there is more regret than anything tho, I regret losing my 500$ Skin coz i won it then decided to bet it because i got greedy, but i guess i were to be optimistic about it, if i never lost it i would be gaming cs go 1000% now. So that was a push i guess.

How this day was:  T

bh at first, it was terrible, All i did was sit on my PC. I still game but not cs go the most addictive game for me, Idk if that is okay or not, but i play some steam games online, but i usually get bored of them after a game or two.

What i accomplished today: 

At first i did NOTHING. All day, and i started to regret it. I realized wtf am i doing, just playing other games, geting so bored, watching porn "I dont need that habit back in my life" lol. 
However at 10 PM this is what i was able to do and i am slightly proud :)

- I ate healthy "Calculated all my macros and logged them in, trying to slide back into fitness"

- I actually took a shower and felt fresh

- I went outside, made a fire + Lifted weights for 30 minutes to get myself used to it again

- Started taking supplements again after having them being Idle for so long.

- I booked work for tomorrow, So i am really mad i literally threw 200$ away coz of my addiction, and when i say threw i mean i am in debt coz of it

- My job tbh i hate "I call people and collect data from them based on w.e survey i have (NOT A TELEMARKETER) However it is so boring and i hate it, but i realized i need to stop running away from responsibilities, so i have work from 10-4 .. I hope i don't cancel. 

- It's getting a bit better :) Hopefully i will comeback to this post a year from now happily engaged to my GF whom i can't provide for :( yet she never judged nor left me coz of it ..
- I want to focus on fitness and/or policing, Two plans rather than 1 i guess. I need to stop quitting. 

- I am thinking of applying again for college and hopefully GOV will loan me the money for my studies. 


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Hey good job on getting yourself out there after a bad morning. About the games part it is your choice. I wouldn't advice you to play anything in the long run but you sometimes get engaged in these boring games over time if you play them more( I wasted hours on shitty browser games for example). But it isn't necessarily worse then browsing reddit all day. I would advice you to clearly state what you want to do next week, why you want to do it and make a plan when you want to do it. This helps a lot.

Nice plans by the way.Yyou can do all of this is just a question of time. Even if it doesn't work right away how you imagine it, as long as you keep trying you will get there.


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Day 5!

First off thanks WorkInProgress :) 

I am still craving cs go, but i today when i woke up i honestly felt so Empty and mad.. Usually i'd wake up and anticipate Cs go and how the match would be and how i'd show off my skins and do the animations for it etc.. I know to you it might be silly but for me it was/is such a big deal idk why..

I cancelled work :( ... 

I had a fight with my GF i just snapped at her..

Im sick and tired of being in a bad mood, feeling so empty and aggravated, Like is it good i quit cs go or bad ...

Also i can't do anything till 9:00 PM because I am FASTING. "Trying to be a bit religious after doing so many bad things"

Idk today is bad, i didn't get outside bed till 3:30 PM ...

a) What i hope to accomplish today:

- I don't even know tbh... Maybe go for a jog at night..


"This post will be updated" 


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your day and desperate mood sounds very familiar to me.

maybe try to find the book of poems of Houellebecq. his poems are a bit depressiv but the introduction is super powerfull and inspiring. And you need to get out to find it!

hold on!

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  • 1 month later...

Hey i have a confession. 

I haven't posted here in over a month.
With the reason being ... I have relapsed and this time HEAVILY.

I went from cs go addiction to Dota 2 + Rome 2 Total war. 
And i mean like 150h per 2 weeks. Basically all day.

The mentality of night vs the mentality of the morning. I wake up. eager to play. I literally have nothing to do, so i just game and game... and i love it yet i hate it ... I tell my self ok today you're gonna game and workout and do stuff .. but as always i just game... at night ... i feel SOOOO guilty, like shit to be honest. I am 21. i achieved nothing in life NOTHING... I can't believe how pathetic i am. relapsing .. I recently talked to Cam and he really did help me. Idea was to Cold turkey it.. No more gaming at all. and to focus one hour at a time on how to get over each hour.

So here it is guys. Even tho i am already craving to game so badly... I am going to delete the games.. I will wake up and regret it and i know that yet i will be thanks full later on i hope .. I have failed many times .. but i'm letting myself go.. i've already gained 20 lbs, relationship with gf is about to crumble.. I need to fix my so called life. And i know im not alone on this one.. I'll keep you guys updated. Hopefully this journal would help someone who would be how i am ATM and how i would become later on i hope.

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Hey Natty, welcome back! Not everyone have the balls to do what are you doing now, so I truly think you are strong.

You are not alone on that. Everyone here has relapsed eventually. I'm not sure even if I'm in a position to give advice (still going on my third week of the 90 days challenge) but, if anything, don't use your strenght to beat yourself up after a mistake. Get a grip, look forward and follow Cam's advice - it worked for many people, it is working for me.

Stay strong, mate.

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