Half_Natty

Hey i have a confession. I haven't posted here in over a month. With the reason being ... I have relapsed and this time HEAVILY. I went from cs go addiction to Dota 2 + Rome 2 Total war. And i mean like 150h per 2 weeks. Basically all day. The mentality of night vs the mentality of the morning. I wake up. eager to play. I literally have nothing to do, so i just game and game... and i love it yet i hate it ... I tell my self ok today you're gonna game and workout and do stuff .. but as always i just game... at night ... i feel SOOOO guilty, like shit to be honest. I am 21. i achieved nothing in life NOTHING... I can't believe how pathetic i am. relapsing .. I recently talked to Cam and he really did help me. Idea was to Cold turkey it.. No more gaming at all. and to focus one hour at a time on how to get over each hour. So here it is guys. Even tho i am already craving to game so badly... I am going to delete the games.. I will wake up and regret it and i know that yet i will be thanks full later on i hope .. I have failed many times .. but i'm letting myself go.. i've already gained 20 lbs, relationship with gf is about to crumble.. I need to fix my so called life. And i know im not alone on this one.. I'll keep you guys updated. Hopefully this journal would help someone who would be how i am ATM and how i would become later on i hope.

Day 5! First off thanks WorkInProgress I am still craving cs go, but i today when i woke up i honestly felt so Empty and mad.. Usually i'd wake up and anticipate Cs go and how the match would be and how i'd show off my skins and do the animations for it etc.. I know to you it might be silly but for me it was/is such a big deal idk why.. I cancelled work ... I had a fight with my GF i just snapped at her.. Im sick and tired of being in a bad mood, feeling so empty and aggravated, Like is it good i quit cs go or bad ... Also i can't do anything till 9:00 PM because I am FASTING. "Trying to be a bit religious after doing so many bad things" Idk today is bad, i didn't get outside bed till 3:30 PM ... a) What i hope to accomplish today: - I don't even know tbh... Maybe go for a jog at night.. "This post will be updated"

Thank you guys, it means alot having people not judging me. Day 4 ! Still cs go clean, deleted that game and didn't re-install so far. Still craving it Tbh but not as much as yesterday, there is more regret than anything tho, I regret losing my 500$ Skin coz i won it then decided to bet it because i got greedy, but i guess i were to be optimistic about it, if i never lost it i would be gaming cs go 1000% now. So that was a push i guess. How this day was: T bh at first, it was terrible, All i did was sit on my PC. I still game but not cs go the most addictive game for me, Idk if that is okay or not, but i play some steam games online, but i usually get bored of them after a game or two. What i accomplished today: At first i did NOTHING. All day, and i started to regret it. I realized wtf am i doing, just playing other games, geting so bored, watching porn "I dont need that habit back in my life" lol. However at 10 PM this is what i was able to do and i am slightly proud - I ate healthy "Calculated all my macros and logged them in, trying to slide back into fitness" - I actually took a shower and felt fresh - I went outside, made a fire + Lifted weights for 30 minutes to get myself used to it again - Started taking supplements again after having them being Idle for so long. - I booked work for tomorrow, So i am really mad i literally threw 200$ away coz of my addiction, and when i say threw i mean i am in debt coz of it - My job tbh i hate "I call people and collect data from them based on w.e survey i have (NOT A TELEMARKETER) However it is so boring and i hate it, but i realized i need to stop running away from responsibilities, so i have work from 10-4 .. I hope i don't cancel. - It's getting a bit better Hopefully i will comeback to this post a year from now happily engaged to my GF whom i can't provide for yet she never judged nor left me coz of it .. - I want to focus on fitness and/or policing, Two plans rather than 1 i guess. I need to stop quitting. - I am thinking of applying again for college and hopefully GOV will loan me the money for my studies.

Yup i just realized how bad my life is and that i have to do something about it ... Any help would be appreciated mates

Natty here ! 3 days csgo clean so far I've been craving cs go so much. a) What i hope to accomplish today: - Exercise ❌ - Eat Healthy ✔ - No csgo ✔ - Do not spend money on items ❌ - Cook your own healthy meals ✔ - Clean your dusty ass room ✔ b) What I've accomplished so far (Day didn't end yet) - Opened account, was about to add 10$ To bet .. Realized i am already in debt and that i'd be relapsing.. Quit the site and went for a walk (I feel sorta proud of myself) "The day didn't end yet, this will be updated" "Ended up failing" - I actually cleaned my room - Ate healthy C) Emotions: - Ive never been this mad in my life, i am so upset idk why, i just feel angry, at my self perhaps, maybe because I haven't been playing or maybe because i am an idiot who relapsed and added 10$ to my account to bet won 35$ and as expected. Lost it all ... - I honestly can't put it to words right now because of how mad and frustrated i feel atm and all day. This honestly sucks. - I am thinking of perhaps going for a run, but idk if i will. - Phone decided to start Ghost clicking every 2 sec. so frustrating and such bad timing ..

Thank you guys <3 So the plan is for now to make a journal ?! I don't know how that would help tbh. At this moment i've been 2 days clean. But i am craving cs go so so badly, I literally just want to re-install it and play I don't want to relapse again.. I've done this so many times its so frustrating.. I'm trying to convince my self i shouldn't stop gaming even though I've accomplished nothing in life. I NEED to focus more on fitness But it's like i just want to play. How do i control this?! The cravings are so annoying and so strong..

Hey guys thanks For the kind words. Sadly i've relapsed heavily today and im beyond frustrated at myself for doing so, my bank balance is now -212 because i decided to use 40$ To bet it on skins hoping to get better, in such way i'd be able to play back again ... Sadly i lost it all AGAIN. What do i do when i have this strong craving urge, i've been going through it all day, and i've failed right now and it got the best of me ... Seriously i can not believe how irresponsible and addicted i am ..

I will keep this as short as possible, and very simple. Hi, Let's go with the name Natty. Im 21 years old. i live with my parents and i've dropped out of college. Because all i wanted to do is game. I've been gaming for 12 years ... heavily. I played at one point Dota 2 for 5 years straight. Everyday on steam. I am good at gaming, amazing actually. I stopped Dota and i started playing cs go and it's gotten worse... I started spending real life money. I now have -150$ ! In my card... I bet it all and lost all my items. Point being, i lack discipline and self control and i know that. Point being guys, i know alot of you are going through what i am going through, I feel like a failure, accomplished nothing in life. broke etc... The positives would be. I have a GF of 2 years who has helped me in so so many ways. I also have lost 65 pounds and i am interested in fitness and have been gyming, lately i gave in tho... I gained some pounds back, stop gymming.. GF is in another country for the summer. I know what needs to be done. Delete the game, which i did but i'll relapse and spend more money .. I've done that so many times. I should focus on gyming again. Healthier habit etc.. I know all that, my issue is. HOW?!? I keep failing, I am not motivated enough... I am doing nothing. i am stuck in life, curse you addiction .. You've ruined me ..