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JustBeingReal

Hello...

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Hello everyone on this forum.

I decided to make this post, due to the reddit post I read about momentum may, and Joe's journal. It has lighted a fire inside of me. It was the motivator for me, to bring the courage to ask for support/help to overcome a bad habbit, which has been dominating my life.

I'm a gamer... or i should say i used to be. I, don't wish to bother anyone with a long biography detailing my gaming life. However I feel it is necessary to do so. (just realized i can do it in a quote as to not bother people not interested by this information)

´Those who forget their past, are bound to repeat it´ ~somebody's whos name i have forgotten.

I was playing pong or ping-pong, not sure.. back when I was 8 years on the mac, i didnt really like it, but it's just to illustrate that my gaming roots are deep. Whenever I was at my dad, I would play on the SNES or the the thing that came before gameboy (no color), the big grey thing, anyhow not important for this history. Then when I was 11, I was playing counterstrike 1.4 or 1.5 till I was 14, then I played 5 years of WoW completely addicted and enslaved to my computer game, playing as much as 12 hours per day and playing till deep in the night, I shiver thinking about it, and it makes me want to weep, how I used to think I was being something real cool doing that, I now only harbor regret. Then.. I quit WoW,  but at this stage in my life, I was still under the impression that gaming was the way and only way to enjoy life. I was 18 or 19 when I started playing LoL, vowing to become the best to myself, this is where life really starts going downhill, in the hindsight perspective I can apply to it now. I spend the first year getting mildly good, but as time progressed and years passed, so did the hours I put into it, still vowing to myself to become the best. In the end I got there, top 0.003% player... but then how come I felt so empty inside, how come I wasn't happy at all and the only thing I was, was bitter? I couldn't understand much of this all, (this is 18 months before quitting, I was 22) I blamed it on the developer, Riot for not being competent and a sell-out, only catering to money making. When I look back at it now, I know what my actual dream was, and it wasn't to be best LoL player. It was to be appreciated by people, for my competence, and to be valued by others for who I was and what I could do. Anyhow.. thats only with current situation introspection, this conclusion even while I am writing this, is very personal, confusing and confronting to me. Anyhow, I quit after 18 months of wanting to quit. With the continuous fall back, into the game I had spent 10.000+ hours into developing myself at. However it was not the end of my addiction, another evil poluted me, the game itself is not evil mind you, it merely is posionuous for me. Hearthstone, played 2 years now, spent 50-60 euros. Today I have to admit I have even played, after knowing for nearly 3 months that I need and want to quit. I cant stand myself, at times like these. When i look at to-do lists from 1 month ago, 2 weeks ago, heck even 3 days ago. Stating No more Hearthstone as a goal. This causes me immense grief, continuously going back to the thing which makes me suffer and ruins my new desire for a new palet of hobby's and habits.  Now that, that is off my chest, I can breath more easy

This post is the beginning of something new, to know for myself the history I have had, is a way for myself to accurately evualate how big of an improvement I am making when I look back at this post, in days, weeks, months or years to come. I am no more human then anybody else and this acknowledgement is what has driven me here. Gaming has been ruling my life for nearly 12 years now. And it has taken that many years for me to be enough of a man to admit that I am not strong enough to shoulder this commitment alone, to quit gaming. even when I am fully aware that I will gain no pleasure from it, other then the acknowledgement I am able to succeed in something in my life.

 

Current age: 23

Education: 3 Highschool Diploma's, quit college in 2nd year (with good grades)

My current main goal is to quit HS (my last game) and create new healthy and lasting habbits and hobbies, that enrich my life, and allow me to become addicted to them without fear of the reprecussions.

Some hobbies/habbits I got in mind:

1. Reading

2. Meditating (from Joe s journal)

3. Skeelering

4. Playing Piano

5. Making Audiobooks

6. Exercising, powerlifting/cardio.

7. Cooking and Baking

8. Writing (Poetry/Story's)

9. Drawing

10. Tai'Chi/Yoga

I am thankfull I have found this site, I won't take it as a, alright everything's easy from here, kind of thing. But for me, this problem is quite severe so any help that pushes me over the edge to actually commit myself and stick through with quitting will make me grow that much more happy, when I succeed in quitting for 3 months, I hope to never look back, also because I am going to university then and I reaaally want to leave this part of my life behind me and start some new creative pursuits (alongside studying).

 

Thanks for reading, I dunno if I will journal. This post has already boosted my confidence by atleast 20% +

One final note... This time will be different from all the other times I said I would quit! Why? Because I have written down for myself the horrors it has presented to me in the past, and hopefully I can get some support from the community here. Two important factors, I hope will help me succeed at being the best version of myself that I can and want to be.

 

 

Edited by JustBeingReal
To state: how serious I AM

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Welcome mate! :) Great job on having a goal and some tasks to do (playing the piano seems fun). My advice would be to start a journal asap, it's great for keeping accountable and it's nice to get things off your chest each day.

All the best!

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Welcome to the forums friend! Glad to hear that this forum boosted your confidence  by 20% , it really helps. About the Daily Journal , I would highly recommend for you to have one , because then you can measure your progress , learn from your mistakes , and it's just fun in generall to read your old posts.

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Welcome to the forum! 

I enjoyed your story,  I wish you the best in your journey. I want to learn piano as well, but I haven't been able to talk to my folks about it yet. I would also advise putting a journal up,  it's really helpful. Anyway,  I wish you luck :) 

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Hi JustBeingReal :) 

 This is a turning point for you!  

Thanks for writing out and sharing your story, I enjoyed reading it. 

 I like your signature by the way.

Welcome to the forum! 

I enjoyed your story,  I wish you the best in your journey. I want to learn piano as well, but I haven't been able to talk to my folks about it yet. I would also advise putting a journal up,  it's really helpful. Anyway,  I wish you luck :) 

It means the world to me, that you enjoyed reading it. Thank you for taking the time to read it through. I derive a lot of strength from your positive remarks.

With the piano I get on ´good´ days, very in touch with my emotions, I find the ability to express my emotions in sound, through a dark (heavy) and light (soft) sound, (which in there turn have many different sub-sets of heavy or soft per side of the piano), to be revealing of what my own heart is experiencing. In other words, even though the piano is pricey, nearly immoveable, the instrument allows for a very clear and defined way of expressing emotions, which I and also neuro scientists have found to be healing for people's mentalities and verbal communications.

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Welcome to the group and the walk.  I second the journal comments by everyone.  I have been journaling for last few years and never made the change to post here.  I have a gorgeous tooled or artistic journal.  Write everything...good, bad and my growth and when full.  I get a new one and ritualistically burn the former.  It is cathartic of old pain and memories and I get to start new on the next phase of growth.  It is good you have a plan and list of activities and I would recommend Cam's workbook.  It is money well spent and outlines personal growth to help with the tools to leave gaming and his videos are helpful for the knuckle biting phases.

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Welcome to the group and the walk.  I second the journal comments by everyone.  I have been journaling for last few years and never made the change to post here.  I have a gorgeous tooled or artistic journal.  Write everything...good, bad and my growth and when full.  I get a new one and ritualistically burn the former.  It is cathartic of old pain and memories and I get to start new on the next phase of growth.  It is good you have a plan and list of activities and I would recommend Cam's workbook.  It is money well spent and outlines personal growth to help with the tools to leave gaming and his videos are helpful for the knuckle biting phases.

Burning away the old one, is something I did as well, when I did it in a journal (which I don't do right now because I find if I throw it away anyway that it is wasted effort buying it in the first place.. anyway) also I found it to be, both bad and good to throw it away, good because the old memories and hurts are over and looking at it makes me feel like I am looking at a toothless, ugly immature person whom's emotions are vile and distastefull. On the other side.. the way I put things at times, or the theories I present, or revelations which give me new meanings and truths is fun and refreshing to read back on. So I also don't do it anymore because I find it too hard to keep it and to throw it away. The internet offers somewhat of a middle ground, and a different dimension through feedback/support. I can choose not to go the site, and I can choose to remove the contents of my posts anyway.. the internet is something I am okay-ish comfortable with. Also it is absolutely detrimental to my own sanity, that I know I am making progress, and to know what I am doing with my time, thoughts during these pressing times. Sometimes.. If I am not carefull, I trick myself into believing I am making progress, while the actual progress made is very little, or only of the stopping gaming varation, and not the replacing it with something which fullfills me equally, and thus setting up myself for the envitable failure+emotional scarring for not keeping myself to my dreams/self-image of being able to do what I set out to do. I just sometimes...wished it was easier to build a new life, but I know while I type this, that the moment it is easy, is the moment I don't appreciate it, for being so easy.

TL-DR, journaling is as said by Kad, cathartic.

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Welcome JustBeingReal!

It's brave to share you're story and I wish you all the best with quitting games!

As someone who was also addicted to HS, I know it can be a difficult game to get away from. I succedeed in doing it and I have no doubt you will realize the same thing ;) . Just remember to accept that things are not always going to be easy on your journey and that it's ok to take your time to reach the goals you want.

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I would encourage you not to classify your past at "toothless, ugly and immature".  There are probably things you regret and did not like.  However, you made choices with the knowledge and skills you had at the time.  You are imperfect as we all are and perfection is not required for a good and satisfying life. I too have those cringe worthy memories. It helps to look at them as look how far I have come and not I was worthless.  We can be our worst destructive force on this journey with our inner critical voices.  Patience and tolerance of who you are will take you far.  I have always dreamed of learning the piano. Please share your journey on that!

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