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Sashiku

My Journal ~ A New Beginning

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Nice reading your journal. I tried to quit a few times in the past but kept relapsing. It's not unusual I don't think. 

Not sure what treatment you are getting for ADHD but I got an adderall prescription and didn't like it. The 5mg adderall pills and it made me feel motivated and better at concentration, but it made me unable to eat and still obsessed with games. Plus, I heard that you build tolerance to it. I stopped taking it after around 10 pills. That was about 3 years ago. 

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SO MUCH NEWSSSS!!! :D

I'm back on the bandwagon! Check out my facebook post!

You all know I've been barely playing any video games at all. The only one I've been playing is on my handheld 3DS and its a rarity. I've also decided to cut computer usage down. Not only that, but something else is going to change. My diet. It isn't that I don't eat healthy, because I do most of the time. Its that I'm tired of meat. So very tired of it. It makes me feel horrible when I eat it. Its heavy and makes me feel sluggish and even causes me nausea at times. It has been that way for my whole life. I also don't really like meat anyhow. If anything I like the occasional sausage, bacon and burger. But even those are becoming less and less. I find myself desperately craving vegetables when we have none. So, I'm going to try eating a non-meat diet.

Heh, don't worry, I'm not going to preach about it. One of the reasons I kept from it so long is that vegetarians and vegans have a bad rep for being pushy about what they eat and I do not want to be associated with pushy people. The reasons for me going nearly vegan are pretty simple.

1: Don't like meat much anyway.
2: I'm lactose intolerant so I can't do dairy anyhow.
3: I feel like I will feel better if I'm eating food I know is good for me.
4: I do think the treatment of animals that are kept in tiny pens for our food needs to stop. Its not fair to the animal. However, this is just another plus in not eating meat. It is not my main focus, however it is a big factor for me as I do love animals.
5: I simply love veggies. ^-^

I figured my texture issues with food might be an issue too. I can't stomach squishy foods. I think the reason is meat fat. I despise the stuff. I think me being served meat growing up and ending up with fat in my mouth always grossed me out. I hope I can get past it for the veggies. Even if I can't I can always juice them or blend them. I mean, I have an awesome manual juicer that'd do the job.

Another Idea I had is starting a vlog about all this cool stuff I'm doing lately for fun.

I also plan to get outside more and try to practice my skills in the garden and maybe even learn some carpentry or something. Why?

Because I hate the city and I at times want so badly to leave it and head for the middle of nowhere. This lack of camping is only making me miss the outdoors more. I read a story about some folks who started a homestead and while that sounds amazing, I know with my limitations I'll have to settle for a small town and a garden.

That's fine, as long as I have my own space and my neighbors aren't literally a yard away.

ANYWAY! Sorry for talking so long! I'm just getting very motivated now.

Peace out. <3

So yes, I'm completely uninterested in games now. We plan to move to a bit of land and grow veggies/herbs and raise rabbits, goats and chickens. So, in other words, I want to learn how to live with my own two hands. "Self reliance and Self Sufficiency" I also want to learn carpentry and mechanical skills so I can do repairs on my own for minor things. So I've decided to focus on skillsets I need to do the things I intend. I would really like to have a homestead, but that's not logical for someone with my vision. Off the Grid living has been a love of mine since my childhood days and I didn't even know what "off the grid" was. I've always loved being in the great outdoors and fantisized about never leaving our campsite, living there permanently. But, with life comes compromise.

 

Just wanted to update you since It's been a little bit now. Many things going on here. :)

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Being a vegetarian is something which have many health benefits. I'm not one but I know some of them and they're just people more aware about world and their diet.

If you're lactose intolerant, why not trying a coconut milk or milk from other plants? They're also healthy tastes similar to milk and don't contain any lactose.

If you're uninterested in games now, then we have at least one similar characteristic ;)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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So yes, I'm completely uninterested in games now. We plan to move to a bit of land and grow veggies/herbs and raise rabbits, goats and chickens. So, in other words, I want to learn how to live with my own two hands. "Self reliance and Self Sufficiency" I also want to learn carpentry and mechanical skills so I can do repairs on my own for minor things. So I've decided to focus on skillsets I need to do the things I intend. I would really like to have a homestead, but that's not logical for someone with my vision. Off the Grid living has been a love of mine since my childhood days and I didn't even know what "off the grid" was. I've always loved being in the great outdoors and fantisized about never leaving our campsite, living there permamently.

This was my dream too. Hope you will make it.

Greetings, Piotr. 

 

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Being a vegetarian is something which have many health benefits. I'm not one but I know some of them and they're just people more aware about world and their diet.

If you're lactose intolerant, why not trying a coconut milk or milk from other plants? They're also healthy tastes similar to milk and don't contain any lactose.

If you're uninterested in games now, then we have at least one similar characteristic ;)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Thanks for your post. Yes, I have always had a strong love of vegetables and having our own garden my entire life has just been a way of life for my family and I.

yes, I like almond milk well enough. LOVE chocolate almond milk. Not a fan of soy or coconut though. May try a few other types when I get the chance.

And Indeed. :) Not interested at all. I think I Just needed that last little shove of motivation to spark my love of gardening all over again. I will try to get a picture of our blackberries and our blackberry Jelly we made.

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So yes, I'm completely uninterested in games now. We plan to move to a bit of land and grow veggies/herbs and raise rabbits, goats and chickens. So, in other words, I want to learn how to live with my own two hands. "Self reliance and Self Sufficiency" I also want to learn carpentry and mechanical skills so I can do repairs on my own for minor things. So I've decided to focus on skillsets I need to do the things I intend. I would really like to have a homestead, but that's not logical for someone with my vision. Off the Grid living has been a love of mine since my childhood days and I didn't even know what "off the grid" was. I've always loved being in the great outdoors and fantisized about never leaving our campsite, living there permamently.

This was my dream too. Hope you will make it.

Greetings, Piotr. 

 

Thank you! I intend to try. :) Did you give up on yours?

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Today is going fine. I'm exhausted from pushing myself on yardwork, but I feel better about myself and what i do with my time because of it. Like they say, "No pain no gain." Heh. Things are finally looking up in life in other ways too. We finally got new tires and yesterday we finally bought proper groceries for the first time in months. We've been pretty much starving due to lack of money. Ever since I was stolen from in January we've had to play catch-up and its been hard. I am literally broke for the rest of the month but at least our bills are all taken care of and we have new tires and food! Yay!!!

As for not gaming, still going fine. I spent a total of 1 hour gaming yesterday on my handheld. We were in a waiting room for a while yesterday so I played during that time, and a few minutes when relaxing after working outside.

As for PC gaming, I don't want to play any of them anymore. At this point in time I can't see myself going back to them. I know, my feelings have changed drastically in the past month. From nearly giving up and then suddenly having no desire for it. I think the stress of no food and no transportation was the cause. Depression has been my downfall for years when it comes to gaming.

One day a week or two ago I started thinking about my long-term goals and decided I should really go do the things I need to do to prepare myself for my life-changing move.

We most likely won't have good internet out there and I'm actually pretty happy about that. Our whole plan is to be self-sustaining. Not just for the love of it and because we enjoy it, but because we're sinking here in the city. If we live out there we can survive without any assistance.

I have reasons for this.

#!: I'm a prepper. You never know when we could have another disaster, natural disaster or stock market crash happen and won't be able to get to a store to get food
#2: I'm disabled as I said. Disability could run out of money before I die and people in the country are likely to hire you if you work hard, no matter your disability. Even if they don't we'll have our land to live on and by then I will know how to hunt hopefully.

#4: I want to live the rest of my life as happily as I can. My life has been hard and its time I took it back and live my dreams to the extent of my ability.

Anyway, that's pretty much it.

Oh, and we are probably moving to Kansas.

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Hey guys. We haven't moved yet, things kinda got put on the back burner due to money problems, but a lot has changed here.

I kinda gave up on quitting gaming for a month. I was really depressed about my lack of focus and motivation that I just pretty much threw all my hard work out the window. There is good news though, I finally got some medicine to help treat my ADHD. I've been taking it only 3 days and I've already cleaned half my house and even painted a bit. :o I also find that I have no interest in being on the computer at the moment. I am trying my best. I think being able to focus will motivate me a lot.

So... I'm starting over. Today is day 1.

Edited by Sashiku

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So, a LOT of things have happened! This is going to be a very long post. My apologies for that.

 

So, from October on, a sequence of events happened. I'll tell them as they happen.

 

October was alright. I was doing a bit more than I had been. Then November came and well... Things got worse from there. My family was in constant strife so I was stressed and turned to my good buddy video games to help me lose myself. Then December came... All hell broke loose. My brother was drunk all the time and my mom was angry all the time and I didn't know what to do. Then in January, the inevitable happened. All out war. My brother kept acting like he wanted t hit my mom so I got mad at him and sorta did some things I'm not proud of and he ended up breaking through a door with his skateboard and nicking me in the back of the head with it.  I know he was just paying me back for what I did. I just couldn't see the up side to anything so in my room I stayed. Well, February rolls around and I'm getting sicker and sicker. Depression has hold of me now. My friend in Oregon offers me a place to stay for as long as I'll need it. My family may not be physically abusive  *That was the first time he hit me and I think it was an accident. It also didn't hurt.* but they're definitely toxic people and they are starting to affect me. So, I decided it's time to leave. I haven't left yet due to family pressure and other responsibilities, but I plan to as soon as I can.

So, last month, My doctor discovered my life-long issues with my stomach were caused by Chronic Cholecystitis. I had my gallbladder removed and now I feel about 10 thousand times better. After my wounds healed I started doing a little more but i still didn't want to be near my family due to the stress they cause, so I stayed in my room gaming mostly. But, 5 days ago I began a 15 minute daily exercise and I'm really starting to motivate myself. I am afraid of failing, but I have to do it. I found a goal. Something to work towards. Quitting gaming for me was just to prevent wasting my life. But this? This is for another huge reason.

My entire life I've had wanderlust. I wanted to see what was outside of this city, now, outside this state. I saw a sequence of videos last week that answered my question of *what do I want to do with my life* for me. It started out as looking for a funny spider cat video... I ended up finding a guy's video I hadn't seen in years. So, I went and checked out his new videos, which then sent me to his older videos where... he moved to Alaska from Cali. His videos were all over Alaska. From videos with giant mountains to videos with beautiful clear lakes. I envied him so much, but he also inspired me so much. I'm watching one of his videos a day, because it helps fuel the fire. It's not that i want to live in Alaska, the where isn't important. The important thing is that I get out of Oklahoma and see more than I've seen. So, I started exercising. A 35 year old girl with disc degeneration and no physical fitness can't hike a mile. I aim to change how I am into a new me. Same old me with a new attitude and ability.

I don't know if I'll fail or succeed, but I have to try. I would rather die now than stay in this boring familiar place. I want to see it all.

Now, I know it won't be easy. I'm probably much poorer than most people since I can't seem to find a job here and have no choice but to exist on the measly amount I get for disability. I figure, someone in a small town may hire me. Maybe they won't be so judging and discriminating.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. A lot has happened. Things MUST change from here on out or I don't think I'll be ok.

Edited by Sashiku

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Thanks for sharing your update. Happy you're here with us again.

No problem! I'm happy to be back. Life is hard though. I have been through a lot but I'm hoping to turn it all around for the sake of my dreams.

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So... Where do I begin?

Things got really really bad with my family and I decided I HAD to get out of there, no matter what. I was at the end of my rope and I felt like I was going to either snap or have a complete meltdown. So, thanks to the support of my family (Aunts and Dad), I signed some papers in August to be put on a waiting list to move into an apartment in Kansas. Not just any place in Kansas, a small town of 7,000 people where my Aunt Works AT the same place I'll be living! It's the housing authority and they take disabled so it was a great opportunity. I hadn't accepted it before because I was scared I guess. Afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself, or maybe that I'd end up making too many mistakes.

Anyway, in October I was approved to move in. By the end of October, I was moved all the way from Oklahoma to Kansas and most of my belongings moved with me. (My apartment is much smaller than my apartment at the house was so I had to leave some stuff behind, but I like it a lot, its super cute!) Once I moved here, I kept expecting to hear my mom screaming or my brother breaking things but... silence. I found peace quite quickly after about a week. Peace I haven't known in 15 years. My aunt has always been here for me since moving here.

My life completely flipped upside down once I was here, in the best way possible. From being in my room constantly to being invited to events, actually OPENING my windows, talking to people nearly every day, eating the way I wanted and most importantly, seeing myself and my life change before my eyes.

Looking back at this Journal, I almost feel disconnected to the person I was back then. Like it was some bad dream or somebody else's life. I think for the first time in a long time, I'm aware of myself. I'm not trying so hard to pretend I don't exist that I start to believe it.

Right now I'm enrolled in a class called "Personal and Professional Development" and I feel like I've already noticed some change within me just from the few times I've been. I'm more grateful for the small things and try to see the good side of every situation. Besides, My life now is so much easier than it was back in October. Still though, once moving here and after the initial peace, there was anxiety and a lot of it. I was saying "sorry" after nearly every sentence and I was awkward and always worrying about "What if". What if I can't keep my place clean? What if I ask too much of my Aunt? What if I don't make any friends? What if I can't do this....?

Well, after being here a few months, a lot of that has faded, though some still remain. Mostly about keeping my place clean since I'm not very good at that and it's in the rules. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to not only tell you about what's been going on, but also admit that I've fallen completely back into gaming. After my last post, things at home got even worse. To the point where I didn't even want to live anymore. Luckily, I found the courage to move, but while I was trying to keep myself from completely losing it, I turned to gaming once again. After the move, I didn't play for about a month. I was too happy enjoying all of my new freedoms and the peaceful quiet. After that, I started again, but this time, because I missed my friends and also because it was too cold to really see the town. So boredom and loneliness I suppose.

Though I did notice a change in my gaming. I gamed before for escapism, but now I seem to be a lot more light hearted with games. I even enjoyed a game I hated previously. In any case, I can clearly see I can never play video games again. When I do, I ignore my responsibilities, spend WAY too much money *I literally have 26$ in my bank due to games this month...* and I forget to take care of myself *meds, brushing hair, etc* I've been trying to figure out what else to do but I just don't know. Small town, new people, etc.I have friends here, but most of them are over 60... maybe all of them. Though I cherish all of them dearly, I want a friendship with somebody who shares my interests, but NOT my love of gaming.

Somebody to exercise with, explore with and maybe even go to the library with! xD I'm weird. But mostly I'd like to find somebody here who shares my spiritual beliefs, at least a little more than 90% of the population does. This town is 99% Christian, which is awesome and wonderful but I don't share their beliefs and it can be a little lonely. The only Wiccan in the entire town. But it's not like I can go asking... People would probably be pretty upset with me and I can guarantee I'd lose friendships. I don't want to be ostracised from a town that I love with all my heart and people with amazing hearts and kindness. I just wish I could find one person...

On that note, I must say though that I love the methodist church here. They are the most giving people ever. Not only is my PPD class there, but also the free Wednesday meals for THE ENTIRE TOWN and the bell they have the rings is SO lovely that I open my windows to hear it even when it's 13 degrees outside.

Anyway, My appologies if that was a bit too much to read. Just so much has changed, it's hard to put it all into a short explanation.

In ending, I just want to say that I have decided to quit... forever. I am going to give it my all.

Edited by Sashiku
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