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Matt R's Journal.


Merdoc_Rowboat
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Day 32: 4/11/16

The days seem to be going by quickly. I'm definitely in a rut, and I'm at a crossroads and I don't really know what to do next.

I'm getting more and more disillusioned with my job, I want to find something new, but I don't really know what exactly I want to do. It's also discouraging when I think that I probably wont get as many hours as I do with this job, and I probably won't have weekends off, which means that seeing Rachel becomes more difficult. I'm thinking about moving closer to her so we don't have to spend so much time away from each other. I think that might be the best end goal, but getting there is going to prove challenging. 

I'm thinking of going back to school to finish the degree I started. After I graduated high school I went to my local community college for a few semesters but I gave up on it, it's been almost four years since I've been in school. Freaking crazy. I never really had a clear major in mind; I was just going because my folks said I had to. All I was really going for was an associate's degree. I don't WANT to go back to school; I've always hated studying and school settings make me depressed, but I think in this day and age you need to have SOMETHING under your belt in order to succeed.

The thought of going back to school makes me feel sad and almost nauseous, but it seems like a necessary evil.

Goals for tomorrow.

Try more yoga

- Try meditation

- Comment on 3 forum posts

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I would find first something you are interested in or what brings you closer to a personal goal. If I would study again it would be something like psychology or neuroscience(because I dig this shit). If you decide for going back to school this can be a great investment in yourself. But if you do it because you think you have to better try to find an alternative.

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Day 39: 4/18/16

So I collect vinyl records.

Saturday was record store day and Rachel and I got a pretty good haul of exclusive releases. Lots of colored vinyl in there as well. I'm spinning a red one right now. (Yes the green one glows in the dark. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!?)

13006741_10207679837767459_595778290888413012621_10207679838047466_156290806589913007180_10207679838287472_4818777957974

13007206_1170770026269199_29084708638826

Other than that this weekend was kind of boring. My thoughts were mainly on my car.

I love my Miata. It's the car that got me into cars, but it hasn't been the most reliable vehicle. In the last year or so I had several breakdowns and issues that left me stranded. We've resolved those issues, but now I'm paranoid that new issues will soon arise. I know I need to get a new timing belt, a replacement radiator, and I think I might have an oil leak somewhere; not to mention my soft tops tears getting larger. 

I've decided to take my car to a specialty place and have a new top installed. The problem is finding the time between working and travelling to see Rachel.

I've been thinking about what car I want after my Miata. I've narrowed it down to a Mazda 3, Subaru WRX, or a Volkswagen Golf GTI. All of those cars are really cool and I could be really happy with those. They're practical and fun to drive, so it would definitely stay with me for a long time.

Honestly though, I'm in no position to be shopping for a new car. I work at a fast food place for cryin' out loud. I need to be focusing on my future, I'll just fix up my little miata and be happy with it. Once I replace the top and take care of it, I'll be in good shape.

So what music are you guys listening to right now? Anyone collect vinyl? I'd love to talk about it with you guys if you're into it! Leave a comment so we can chat about music!

 

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Day 40: 4/19/16

Work today was pretty yucky. Yesterday my manager asked if I could work Saturday, but I have plans so I told her that I would get back to her.

This morning she asks for an answer and I told her that I couldn't because I have plans, she didn't respond to my refusal, and she hardly looked in my direction the whole day. 

I gotta get the hell out of there.

Did back and biceps at the gym today, and I'm pretty worn out.

I want to try and be more active on the forums, I'm seeing a lot of new names out there right now and I wanna do my part to encourage them to quit gaming.

I find myself wanting something to do in the evenings when I'm home after work/gym. I dunno, right now I'm just not really interested in reading, yoga, or meditation. I wish there was more daylight time so I could go on "walkabouts" in the evenings, but it's just too dark and there are coyotes. I know they probably wouldn't mess with me but I'd rather not take my chances! Haha

I'm starting to lean towards mindlessly browsing the internet, and that's no good. I need to get my home music thingy started: loop pedal, drum machine, etc. Practicing with just my guitar isn't quite as engaging as I'd like it to be, but I lack the money to buy the things I need. All my savings have gone into fixing my top.

@Cam Adair I'll be sure to check out your mix, and I've saved Moderat's most recent album to my spotify. Thanks for the new music!

Night Guys I'll see you on here tomorrow

 

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Day 41: 4/20/16

My boss is still salty about this weekend. It's bothering me so much that I got a coworker to cover for me tomorrow so I don't have to put up with it for so long.

Now comes the problem of what to do tomorrow. I started trying to talk myself into going to the local community college and talking to a counselor or something to help me try and figure out what to do, but as the night goes on I'm losing the interest to go do that.

I've just been sitting here for the past couple hours listening to records and browsing the internet, sometimes looking at the college site, sometimes looking at job sites but ultimately it's a mess.

Rachel is so busy with school and work and other things that she hardly has time to text or talk to me, and being so far apart during the week and only spending time on weekends is getting pretty old.

I've got to do something different, soon. I hope that if I keep telling myself that I'll go out and do something.

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Now comes the problem of what to do tomorrow. I started trying to talk myself into going to the local community college and talking to a counselor or something to help me try and figure out what to do, but as the night goes on I'm losing the interest to go do that.

Go! You don't have to make any formal decisions from it, but going and having the conversation to know more of your options is a positive!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 50: 4/29/16

Things ain't so good right now.

Rachel is way more of an adult than I am and it's starting to put a strain on the relationship. She has a goal and a dream and I don't and it seems like I'm just following her around instead of living my own life.

The problem is I don't have any, goals or dreams of my own. My dreams were always the next big game coming out.

I'm also extremely self-centered and borderline narcissistic. I only focus on what I want and what my plans are without taking anyone else into consideration, including her. Case in point: I made an appointment to go get my top fixed on monday, I forgot that the previous night apparently we had talked about waiting another week so she would have time so we could go together because next weekend is mother's day and we're going to be spending that time with our mothers. So instead of waiting until next week to get it done and have this weekend to spend time together we now have to wait three weeks before we can have a full weekend to see each other.

She sees this childishness and selfishness as a problem that could impact the relationship in a negative way, and I see that as well. I just can't seem to get a grip on it. My mind is always elsewhere, never in the present moment. Never ruminating on one thing for more than a few minutes before I forget about it and move on to something else. I've considered going to a therapist for a while, I may have depression, ADHD, anxiety disorder, or any combination of those. I thought about getting drugs for it, thought maybe those would help clear my head and help me think straight for five minutes. But then I think there are ways that I can combat this myself without therapy or expensive drugs. It's just a lot harder to do it that way.

It's kind of like working on a car. You can take it to an expert mechanic and pay him a bunch of money to fix your car for you, or you can research, learn and figure out how to fix the problem on your own.

Comments are very welcome. I could use some interaction. 

 

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Hey sorry to hear that.

The problem is I don't have any, goals or dreams of my own. My dreams were always the next big game coming out.

I had the same problem and in a kind I still have. The problem with this is that you don't think about it and find goals and dreams  for your life. In my opinion the key is to start doing something new sticking and sticking to it for some time. Often times then you get motivated to do something special or important, but first you got to do something. I would recommend you two articles to think about.

http://markmanson.net/life-purpose

http://markmanson.net/being-average

About the focus on yourself: To some level this is normal. I would advice you to start using something like a google calendar to plan your day and mark important tasks and days(like birthdays, mother day etc.). This does not only allows you to  avoid such things in the future it will also give the possibility to plan your time intentionally and not just live in the day. If you start doing this I would advice you not to take the times you put in too serious, see it more like a todo-list and be careful for not planning too much at the start.

I would seriously recommend meditation to you. Just get headspace and do the 10min every day. Do this for two weeks and you will see a increasing focus. I do 20min of meditation everyday and I feel way more focussed and balanced then before.

I personally don't have experience with therapists but it can be surely a thing to try, if you feel depressed and unfocussed all the time. If you just feel down because you had an argument with your girlfriend I wouldn't advice you to it but on the other hand it won't do you harm to try it and then re-evaluate if it is doing you any good.

regards

Mario

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Goals and dreams will come over time. What I'd encourage you to do is start small. Fitness can be a good one for this. The thing with goals and dreams is that they come from you setting them... not from them randomly appearing. This video I have on How to Find Your Purpose can help.

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Thanks friends! Your input is much appreciated and I will do my best to consider everything you've said.

@WorkInProgress you've always been there to speak to me about this kind of stuff I really appreciate it.

and @Cam Adair as well. Your presence on your own site is truly astounding. I've never seen anything like it. To be the founder of a site like this and take the time to talk to all of us is truly astounding and I hope you get the props you deserve.

So...

Day 51: 4/30/16

So today was the big day. The day that I've put my relationship in jeopardy for, the day that I finally replace the convertible top on my car.

I went to a gentleman in Georgia named Kenny The Convertible Top Man. Normally he comes to you to do the work, but I live a bit to far out of his range so I came to him.

He was a swell guy and I'm very satisfied with the results, maybe I'll get to that later.

I just got off the phone with Rachel and we talked for a bit about me and my unwillingness to grow up and be an adult in the relationship.

She's frustrated because I don't make plans, take initiative or think about her needs like someone in an adult relationship would. And that's what she wants, an adult relationship.

I told her that I would try harder to grow up and find my way but at the end she said we need to sit down and talk about if the relationship is going to work long term.

If I'm being completely honest, I don't think it's going to. She's working her ass off trying to achieve her dreams and I'm just here twiddling my thumbs and trying to find my way in the world. She isn't going to wait around for me to find it and start working toward it. She has to go and do what she needs to do to meet her goals, which I think she will, but I don't think that I'll be there with her when she does.

I don't have the fire that she needs in a man. I don't have the ambition, I don't have the life experience, I don't have the drive.

I have the compassion, I have the humor, I have the taste, I have the generosity, but it eventually comes down to what she feels is most important for her in her life right now. I don't think I have what she needs right now. Maybe someday I will, but I think it will be long after she's moved on from me.

I just hope that if we part ways that she finds happiness in the work that she does and in the friends that she has. and I hope that she doesn't dwell on me.

 

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I still remember when it was just me and a few others on here every day. @leprosy and @Zane - that was about it for a few weeks or months it seemed! It's a lot of fun now with so many others. 

Have you read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida? Great book for men.

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Maybe one of these days I should start reading all these books that Cam has recommended. xD

Day 53: 5/2/16

Today was kind of dull. Just went to work and came home.

I've been distracting myself with youtube videos mostly. Mom and Dad got home from their weekend in New Orleans and we talked about my desire to go back to school. basically they said that they support me 100% and expect me to do what I need to do to get through it.

Also they got me to mow the lawn so I guess I wasn't completely useless today.

I think I still have a ways to go with this no gaming journey. I'm half way through the detox, but I haven't gotten any more disciplined in doing the things that I need to do. I've just replaced gaming with other things, when I should really be using that time to advance my life forward.

Life in the modern age is permeated with distraction. Everything is designed to tear you away from the harsh realities of daily life. Music, games, movies, books, TV, and whatever else.

It's all an escape.

Since life is so stressful and difficult, we want to get away from it when we have time. Some of us spend our entire lives escaping from life instead of living it; we get sucked in and we don't ever want to leave, life has to tear us away from our escape. We sacrifice so much for our escape. We love our escape.

I'm tired all the time. Always ready for bed. Whenever I get home I just get in bed first thing. I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years.

Tomorrow I want to do more things than I've done today.

I intend to work out after work. Then once I'm home wash my car and rotate my tires.

Edited by Merdoc_Rowboat
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What exactly do you want to do tomorow? Often times it helps if you make specific plans for the next day (even if it is just 10min of reading in one of this books cam always recommend;)).

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Greetings Merdoc!

I posted a reply some time ago, but decided to make a new one because I think I minced my words!  First off, congrats on your 50+ day detox.  That alone is a goal in and of itself. 

Cam, and Workinprogress have shared so many great insights.  I think that you're progressing, but perhaps you aren't giving yourself enough credit for things that you've done so far.  For instance, replacing the gaming with other hobbies is a major step.  From my personal experience, I can only see progress as something small that I can manage to do every single day.  These are very tiny steps.  Like Cam mentioned, sometimes it might take us a bit longer than the 90 days to make significant changes in our lives, and that's perfectly okay.  I think I am one of those people because I had trouble sticking to a habit long-term.  I'm going to start reading the book The Power of Habit, to find reasons why I fall off a routine so easily, and also to prepare me for future goals.  I hope you can pick up this book too, and read it. 

Anyway, I'm cheering you on and remember that you're not alone in this journey!  We're here to support you!

Sincerely,

Danni

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 67: 5/16/16

it's been awhile, so I thought I'd check in.

You guys will be happy to know I've been game free since I last posted. I've just been fairly busy with my daily life and my relationship.

So where I stand right now. I think I honestly need to get therapy. I think I have depression, anxiety, or something. I feel like that's what's keeping me from growing up. I get depressed or anxious and I just go into mental auto pilot, without really doing anything to move my life forward in a positive direction.

At the same time I feel as if I'm making excuses and I need to just get off my ass. Why can't I do it? Why can't I make any progress in my life?

Well that's for another time, I've had a beer and I'm pretty buzzed.

I worked all day today so I could have tomorrow off to put a new timing belt in my car. I forgot that today my cousin was celebrating her birthday today. I felt so horrible and selfish because I took that extra shift at work instead of remembering that we were going to celebrate.

In going to get in touch with her and apologize formally, we aren't very close at all so she'll probably think I'm being weird. Which I am, I've never been one to reach out, I've never grown closer with any of my family members. And it's really sad. :(

anyway I'm drunk and tired now. I'll try and follow up tomorrow.

Peace guys.

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Nothing wrong with seeking help via therapy. It takes a lot of courage to reach out in that way and counsellors have helped me immensely at different points in my life. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 90: 6/7/16

Today I've finished the 90 Day detox. 1st try and no gaming whatsoever. 

I say that less to brag about it and more to acknowledge that gaming isn't what holding me back in life.

I think I may be struggling with depression and anxiety disorders. These things may in fact be what keeps me from moving my life forward. When I try to plan for the future in any sort of meaningful way I get anxious and depressed. Anxious because of all the fears that come with growing up and being an adult, and depressed because I don't believe that I can do it.

I hope to one day find the courage to get help with it so that I can beat it.

But for now I celebrate an accomplishment. I set out to go 90 days without playing videogames and I have done just that.

I've invested more time with friends, learned how to be proactive in certain areas of my life, I've improved my musicianship, I've invested more time to family. These are all pretty positive things that have come from the detox that I will continue doing going forward.

@Cam Adair @Falky @Ironfly @Dannigan @WorkInProgress @hycniejsy @SpiNips

Everyone here has been super great. Thank you guys so much for your help in not only keeping me from gaming but listening to what I had to say as well.

Best of Luck everyone!

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  • 10 months later...

My name is Matt. About a year ago I found game quitters and decided it was for me. Gaming was my purpose in life for about twenty years. I needed to reframe my relationship to gaming so that I could move forward with my life. Not long after my detox I got a job offer at a bank in my town. I've been a teller since September of last year.

I also decided to embark on a personal journey to stretch my creative muscles.

I met an old friend who I had a falling out with about five years ago over a girl. Before the falling out we made Machinima which if you don't know what that is, it's basically film making inside a videogame. We created a series and made several episodes before giving up on it before finishing it.

Now years later I reached out and asked if he wanted to make films together again. We started working on it in November of last year, and finished it a couple of weeks ago. We we're allowed to present our film at an Indie film festival at the local university even though neither of us are students there. While we didn't win any of the prizes offered, we got to get on stage and answer questions about the film. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Even my parents got it, which is a good sign we did something right.

FB_IMG_1492880787024.thumb.jpg.478f9ac48

(Me on the right with the bear looking like a proud son.)

My biggest contribution to the film, was starring, writing, and recording original music and ambiance for the film, and while it isn't perfect, we're extremely proud of what we accomplished.

Gaming has a part in my life now. I play video games occasionally, but were it not for my initial decision to quit gaming for that 90 day period. I would not have gone to the party where I met up with my old friend Justin, who was the director and creator of the premise of the film.

I'd like to share it in the hopes that it might help someone to realize that when you let go of the thing that dominates your life, you're free to pursue new more exciting ventures.

Thank you. Please feel free to leave a comment on the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDQqkGLK5sU&t=3s

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