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well, now the real work begins I suppose. The dull slog of sorting out my life. The pangs of withdrawal have subsided, I can see clearly, I'm still quite tired. I just have to work. work work work. okay. this journal is over.

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Most recently I have been thinking about the fact that I wont see my old high school friends, and how that life is actually dead. I'm not sad about it. I'm more in awe that I can see that separation, in the sense of "Oh, yeah, that's totally over"

I have to wonder if the same thing would have happened if I had lived near them. I can think of a great deal many people in my current city that I used to hang out with that I really have no desire to see again. There is nothing wrong with these people, just, I don't want to see them.

a similar thing happened with the people I went to junior high with, I only ever see one person, and that isn't super frequently.

I guess what struck me as odd was the sentiment that "That life is actually dead" it's not as if I have been living with blinders on for 12 years. I know high school is over, and I know I don't live in that city, but I guess what I wasn't thinking about were the relationships.

but that is the strange thing. I knew it was over, I just didn't want to admit it, honestly even now, its like well... "You never really know" but yeah, its like dead.I think what makes it dead, and what makes it the you never really know thing is that I wont be pursuing a relationship, so, if I don't do that, likely it wont happen. However, if it does, I mean I like people.

"I knew it was over, I just didn't want to admit it" ---> it's not admitting something, it's dealing with something, accepting a set of new actions, new responses, new lines of thought. I was enjoying the role of being the outsider the pariah the whatever, the predecessor to "guy who makes good" needs to be the not good guy. my Life isnt a movie. just deal.

last thought of the day: 

That thought of seeing people and being disgusted with yourself when you knew them and thus attributing them with some sort of failure within yourself, but seemingly you can't register yourself as being a failure as that would break your resolve or growth or positive image of yourself so you place the other as the problem.



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Impermanence brother. Everything is always changing. Some things will remain for longer periods of time and some other shorter. But it's always changing so live in the moment, make the most of it and let it go when it needs to be let go.

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so I'm in this everything kinda sucks phase. I'm nearly 100% certain that this is my brains way of sorting itself out. The danger is that I cannot listen to my brain right now. I have to stay on course, get my school work done, and be awesome regardless of my feelings.

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I am thinking about limitations. Some of the most creative artists work within limitations, even choosing a medium limits you from doing something in another medium. I'm not going to belabor the art thing. The only point I want to make is that limitations are good.

When I think about the place that I live, I see a lot of limitations. Also, I see a lot of experiences I have had in other places that I will not have here. 

but, as I said, limitations make for a more innovative experience. I do not know what that means for me and where I live, but that is the outcome of that abstraction.

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It's not the city, its my fear that I wont make it. 

I definitely have a vision of the life that I want to live in the city I live in. The fear comes in that I wont be able to live that life, or that the time frame to making that life a reality is a long way off. Due to that fear or that time horizon, I think being somewhere else would be easier, but this is all just me thinking negatively about myself. it has no thing to do with the city that I live in.

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I am now going to regale you with the story of when I decided to be a not winner.

There isn't an exact moment, but a series of moments that go something like this:

it's always with a "friend" 

we are having an argument, trying to best each other, or generally establish a "winner" in something.

I "win".

then the "friend" diminishes the victory by cutting me down. Saying that I didn't play right, or that It was a silly thing to get so worked up about, or that it didn't really matter.

In writing this blurb I can think of at least 4 times this has happened, there are more. The fact that this happens or has happened so much eventually I built a mindset that it was dumb to compete. Actually the exact phrase I use is "I do not play games I cannot win" but the fact of the matter is that I did win at numerous games, I was just playing with losers.

fuck. That feels amazing. just to make that realization. 

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A weird follow up but in line:

You aren't supposed to win.

like the game is set up to make you be okay with not winning.

so, like, there isn't going to be a magical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or shit like that. 


You just don't win.


I mean, you might win. but, realistically, you don't win.

winning isn't normal, people don't do it. 


I guess I should add that for quite some time I was trying to figure out or I thought why can't I win, as in its the world against me and only me. but in reality i think its the world against everyone. That success is referential not absolute so there isn't one path for everyone, and the best way to succeed is by trusting yourself and knowing what to look out for. I mean I'm going to have to think about this more, but that is the gist. 

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OKay journal time

So, I've worked through some stuff and I feel great! literally, sigh of relief I can see clearly. good times ahead.

My big mistake was thinking that because I did X i should get Y. Its true that getting Y requires you to have X, but doing X just makes it easier to do all the things you need to do to get Y.

what I mean is, I gave up gaming, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and other time wasters and I felt like I deserved a job now because of it. That because I sent out 3 e-mails and that I had changed my ways, that everything was going to fall into my lap and I was going to be a baller. In actuality the changes I made were good and will make me more productive, but I still need to chase an opportunity and work really hard, maybe even harder than I imagined. 

I basically got myself to a sort of zero place. Like not being indebted to my vices? or my weakness? or something like that.

MORE work, DO more WORK, do.

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  • 6 years later...

Okay, It's been a while guys.

where do you even start with a 6 year absence.

I'm sober. I've been sober for almost 3 years now, and it feels normal-esque now. I dont smoke either. 

I work, I have somewhat of a career path.

I don't have a great lifestyle. While it's tempting to blame the events of the last two years, the last two years haven't really impacted my quality of life that much. I actually think the last two years have made my quality of life better. 

I have to take steps to build a better quality of life.

I am at a place in my career where the next step should happen any day now, and my impatience makes me feel like I am going to explode.

I work two jobs. It has allowed me to essentially pay off my car and keep my main salary. I've used this advantage to kinda buy all the things I wanted. I'm now mostly concerned with financial stability. I believe that financial stability will happen in the next phase of my career and my resources should be deployed to help me achieve that next step. I can't force the next step happen, so I have to focus on positive action I can take to improve my situation everyday. Saving and educating myself through courses, books, and media have been a solution to this problem.

Obviously, working two jobs has hampered my lifestyle. I try to go out for dinner once a week, I'm going to ramp up to twice a week and rotate the venues so that I have regular status at 4 places. I don't know how long I am going to continue to live in Calgary, but while I am living here should at least practice the motions of having a social life. 

I have a bicycle coming in the post in a few days. It's been a couple of years since I had a bike to ride. I go for a ton of walks, but my legs get hurt after a while. I sometimes also go hit golf balls, and this winter I bought skis (I believe I have enough aeroplan points to fly to switzerland next winter--I want to go to zermatt--skiing wise a weekend in banff, whister, and europe is probably enough)

I have the working from home wardrobe down. I wear a dress-shirt under a sweater and some jeans with shoes that have some nice arch support. 

I still live at home. I've had a talk with my mom, we talked about my responsibility to be there for my family, and that I'm not required to be there, that I should go and have a career/adventure and that everything will be okay. It sounds nice, but sometimes its sad. Anyways, because I am so close to the next step in my career, and that this should make my life relatively easy financially It seemed like a good idea to just chill and wait for the change to happen and then relocate closer to industry--maybe this summer, maybe the fall, who knows.

Long term, I want to be in Vancouver, Singapore, London, and Trinidad. Seems like such a crazy thing to say, but in reality it's not. Like, don't buy a lambo...

While at work, I learned that I have a strong analytical side and that this side can be used to make lots of money. I make lots of money for my employer. I'm trying to figure out how to leverage that thinking for myself through ecommerce. I've gotten an shopify store built, and I've had people build out a social media presence for me. It seems insignificant when I talk about it, but I can see how learning how to make this work allows me to make other things work out later. At worst, its an interesting hobby and at best, it's a whole thing.

I'm single.

I think that's all I have room for right now. 



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