2nd Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/11009-im-struggling-with-gaming-addiction/#findComment-89905

So I read this post from close to a year ago, and I thought of how I ration carbohydrates and sugars mostly pretty well.

Then I thought of the last few activities my most 'advanced' gaming profile has left for that game's maximum level; the variety offered, when bored from an already-actual escape from boredom/occasional 'empty' time alone kind of suckered me in this morning. Today has still been a good day, but not entirely optimal - and though I had emotional outbursts as a kid perhaps more than average (I wish I'd been taught to lift from a young age; sometimes well-directed brute force is all I need), none of that seemed to really lastingly affect anybody until I got onto this game (maybe my parents, but how could I have really known back then?).

What was happening last weekend was that I felt completely stuck in my head - not quite ruminating negatively, but that I just didn't know how to express/get it out, even when walking around the park full of probably-happy people. That was frustrating. I basically drifted back home with the purpose of collapsing in front of my computer, knowing that it would be so much easier, if not more 'natural' (a modern problem). 

I've watched several documentaries whilst idly playing, and it feels less like being played for a complete sucker by entertainment than having something like empathy tapped into. Maybe my next challenge for now is devoting my full attention to some of those, and taking notes for myself. I've done that 10 years before now, but while trying to study and living with my family - it was less impressing then. There's also my deal with medication. --> Another family member actually asked on the phone today whether I thought it was living on my own, or the major medication change that took place at the same time as moving that frequently made me significantly angry/sad. That all happened at once, including my additional studies and renewed game membership. I really like stability, and mainly just the freedom to do more when I can.

Hackneyed though it may be, balance is probably what I want, basically. Gaming in moderation? Well, the best and worst times are when I've forgotten that I was moderating it. This one I've played rewards excess, pretty much, and also from the post linked above, frequent 'complete control' whilst at rest. I'm quite afraid to be shaken free of that and having to wade through my real reactions and deal with potentially damaging dramas. When I'm truly attempting to rest, there is actual dread when my phone notifies me of a text message, because misinterpretation is so damned easy. I think it's the reason people often think of things as 'divisive', 'polarising' or 'heated' - it's us and our choices, nothing more, IMO.

Gratitude:

~ More good weather, but punctuated by sudden, humbling un-forecast rain 

~ Discovering documentaries

~ A new gifted oven

~ Showering without much of my own grief

Over and out,

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

Hiya all, happy weekend! 

So much to say, but since it's here, I'll say that after a couple of hours each day for a week, I was finally defeated by bad luck in terms of why I was sticking with one in-game activity. Today is a voting day, and I got that out of the way early - but on top of my defeat, I want to spend some time finding out how people have gone with the process, which probably just means walking around outside and browsing media, even if I talk little to none.

On the topic of talking, I've been wondering how many of us actually do that like we used to. The process should have remained simple: shared interest and equal information exchange over available time. But I've seen and read what suggests there's just too much oneupmanship and schadenfreude - spiteful joy. I guess there just has to be smarter or re-learning how to be smarter about approaching conversations. -> Us youngish males, for instance, should get better at overcoming feelings of enmity when facing a person in preparation just to talk.

Yesterday, I felt secure in my course to arrive at the gym, until when both I and a wayward-ish man laid eyes upon each other: I thought by his swaggering glances at passersby that he could be dangerous, whereas he, perhaps at my size and slow walk saw me as 'the next challenge' for the morning. Anyway, my legs started to shake after we closed our distance, and despite it being a nice day and how comfortable I'd felt halfway through the gym-route, I still managed to think to myself, 'Is this the end of me, now, almost meaninglessly?' No, I was determined to be agreeable and soft-spoken as usual, until we first made for the direction I was going in, before he lost focus and 'started' backwards upon a few others. Just my thinking and concentrated disruption to my journey alone has made me wonder whether I should wait a little longer before heading back there. Is that enough to say? What would you guys have done? To inform on us both, I've frequently been a little lost over the past few years, and I think I a lot of people would have mentally constructed a homelessness/drug-addiction profile of the person I met - maybe. 

I also talked with my mum as she stayed nearby this week, about how I used to meet needs on my MMORPG fake copy, after high school finished: how I was a 'good sport', generally liked and so on. I've forgotten the finer points, but she just said 'we can't go back (in time)' - you know, except in memory. This made me think and wonder how much I really want to remember, going forward, and how much I should just focus on feelings of actual accomplishment and livelihood. Finally noting; I'm may be going to work next week and applying for part-funded study in the meantime. It's just hard to let go of good memories, and even some of the bad, though well-collected.

Hang in there; it's just a season/period of time.

~ Matt

 

 

[Ameissen]

Hey Matt / wheatbiscuit,

Good week to you! I'll share that I'm observing a few words you've used, like spiteful, enmity, 'the next challenge', even feeling it might be the end of you when you and other person walked near each other at the gym. It sounds to me like there is something inside of you that needs to be seen and released. Because thankfully, you did not get destroyed by this person. I sense your worries about others. That's awful to carry that type of pain! By something inside of you that needs to be seen and released -- I mean a negative emotion or some type of tension that is inspiring you to see threat in the world, when thankfully there is not so much threat, as evidenced by your example. I don't know you or your situation fully -- my apologies if it truly is threatening where you live and that's a known fact about your neighborhood -- but I can just imagine it would be very challenging to break away from gaming and adopt a positive life outside of gaming if the real world is just a huge big threat! Especially if the people are like, carrying spite and enmity and things like that. 

I speak from experience -- as you connect with whatever is inside you that spurs your perception this way, you yourself become more at ease, more at peace, and the world just blossoms into something so great you don't want to game anymore. You're motivated by what life is, what you're finding it can be. I haven't read all of your posts, but I'm sure you've sensed this, especially to be here in this forum.

And then yeah -- people also treat you differently too when you're not on guard, when you're happier and at peace, people do become happier also, as they share in your joy and the joy you wish for them; they share in the freedom from hate, threat, stress, you wish for them because you yourself know, as a human being, that it is awesome to enjoy your life with safety. They join you in that. And so I extend that to you, friend.

Andrew

[ZenYogi]

Hey Matt,

This is really good. Thanks for sharing. I’ve ran into some people who matched the description you gave of the guy at the gym. I’ve felt the same discomfort especially when I went to the free rec center gym. I had people with severe mental health disorders yell threats at me etc. 

I found a gym that’s like much more calm feeling and has been safe for me. Especially if I go early in the day when it’s less crowded. If you need a few days to you know deep breathe and let your mind relax before going back to the gym I think that’s good. Is your gym usually chill and this person was the exception?

Or is it like that free gym I went to where almost every time I went someone was showing up and vaping in the gym, accosting people verbally or blasting profanity on max volume on their speakers? 

Last point: you aren’t the only one that dude was acting like that to. The guy yelling at me was reported to have been yelling at members multiple times a day and was eventually banned.

[ZenYogi]

On 5/8/2025 at 10:12 AM, Ameissen said:

Hey Matt / wheatbiscuit,

Good week to you! I'll share that I'm observing a few words you've used, like spiteful, enmity, 'the next challenge', even feeling it might be the end of you when you and other person walked near each other at the gym. It sounds to me like there is something inside of you that needs to be seen and released. Because thankfully, you did not get destroyed by this person. I sense your worries about others. That's awful to carry that type of pain! By something inside of you that needs to be seen and released -- I mean a negative emotion or some type of tension that is inspiring you to see threat in the world, when thankfully there is not so much threat, as evidenced by your example. I don't know you or your situation fully -- my apologies if it truly is threatening where you live and that's a known fact about your neighborhood -- but I can just imagine it would be very challenging to break away from gaming and adopt a positive life outside of gaming if the real world is just a huge big threat! Especially if the people are like, carrying spite and enmity and things like that. 

I speak from experience -- as you connect with whatever is inside you that spurs your perception this way, you yourself become more at ease, more at peace, and the world just blossoms into something so great you don't want to game anymore. You're motivated by what life is, what you're finding it can be. I haven't read all of your posts, but I'm sure you've sensed this, especially to be here in this forum.

And then yeah -- people also treat you differently too when you're not on guard, when you're happier and at peace, people do become happier also, as they share in your joy and the joy you wish for them; they share in the freedom from hate, threat, stress, you wish for them because you yourself know, as a human being, that it is awesome to enjoy your life with safety. They join you in that. And so I extend that to you, friend.

Andrew

Hey Andrew

I like your reply. I agree that sending love or reframing people compassionately helps you be in relation to them. Especially with people you aren’t as comfortable with.

Ultimately I’ll send everyone love and really try to love them from afar when they chafe me mentally too. I just imagine sending love beams to them. But don’t get involved much more than that.
 

How do you manage it when it’s a not so comfy person(s) in your immediate environment? 
 

Thanks for being a part of this

Pema

[Ameissen]

3 hours ago, ZenYogi said:

Hey Andrew

I like your reply. I agree that sending love or reframing people compassionately helps you be in relation to them. Especially with people you aren’t as comfortable with.

Ultimately I’ll send everyone love and really try to love them from afar when they chafe me mentally too. I just imagine sending love beams to them. But don’t get involved much more than that.
 

How do you manage it when it’s a not so comfy person(s) in your immediate environment? 
 

Thanks for being a part of this

Pema

Hey Pema --

Sometimes when I'm with a not so comfy person, and the action to take is not obvious, and it's just uncomfortable, I remind myself of two things. One, don't wait for my suffering to end to be happy. And two, anything that takes the smile off my face is not the truth. Continue wishing them well and notice their discomfort as their own, not letting it interrupt the joy of your living. The joy of your living is ultimately the inspirational force that makes people like the not so comfy people adjust -- and if they do not adjust on their own, it is the clearest force that brings you clarity of mind and action as for when to act. Because you are acting out of compassion, now, out of the sincerest wish for all beings -- including you and them, to be well. To be in harmony, in peace.

Thanks for being a part of this too.

Andrew

[wheatbiscuit]

Hi all, haven't signed in to any of my problem games since my last post. I moved past the thoughts and compulsions even to organise any game profiles or search for updates to details or in-game currency. One of today's mindful moments was towelling off, and focusing on patting and drying my head. Previously, a lot about cleaning me or my room has been rushed or lacking in energy. Such moments, and others - like stillness hearing birds and wind or rain - are helpful to me.

I took a couple of detours to my preferred gym, avoiding the park memorial, which was where I met the wayward stranger from before - but I passed it on the way back, both times. He nor anyone similar showed up. *shrug* 

I've read a lot of news, posts and books. A few times even then, I didn't want any distractions from them, and a non-fiction PDF I found was a little rattling. So was some of the Harry Potter series (now finished, again). Talented, but yeah, ah well.

Not much else to say, so my gratitude is for general health. Good luck everyone.

~ Matt

Edited 13 hours ago by wheatbiscuit
grammar