2nd Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/11009-im-struggling-with-gaming-addiction/#findComment-89905

So I read this post from close to a year ago, and I thought of how I ration carbohydrates and sugars mostly pretty well.

Then I thought of the last few activities my most 'advanced' gaming profile has left for that game's maximum level; the variety offered, when bored from an already-actual escape from boredom/occasional 'empty' time alone kind of suckered me in this morning. Today has still been a good day, but not entirely optimal - and though I had emotional outbursts as a kid perhaps more than average (I wish I'd been taught to lift from a young age; sometimes well-directed brute force is all I need), none of that seemed to really lastingly affect anybody until I got onto this game (maybe my parents, but how could I have really known back then?).

What was happening last weekend was that I felt completely stuck in my head - not quite ruminating negatively, but that I just didn't know how to express/get it out, even when walking around the park full of probably-happy people. That was frustrating. I basically drifted back home with the purpose of collapsing in front of my computer, knowing that it would be so much easier, if not more 'natural' (a modern problem). 

I've watched several documentaries whilst idly playing, and it feels less like being played for a complete sucker by entertainment than having something like empathy tapped into. Maybe my next challenge for now is devoting my full attention to some of those, and taking notes for myself. I've done that 10 years before now, but while trying to study and living with my family - it was less impressing then. There's also my deal with medication. --> Another family member actually asked on the phone today whether I thought it was living on my own, or the major medication change that took place at the same time as moving that frequently made me significantly angry/sad. That all happened at once, including my additional studies and renewed game membership. I really like stability, and mainly just the freedom to do more when I can.

Hackneyed though it may be, balance is probably what I want, basically. Gaming in moderation? Well, the best and worst times are when I've forgotten that I was moderating it. This one I've played rewards excess, pretty much, and also from the post linked above, frequent 'complete control' whilst at rest. I'm quite afraid to be shaken free of that and having to wade through my real reactions and deal with potentially damaging dramas. When I'm truly attempting to rest, there is actual dread when my phone notifies me of a text message, because misinterpretation is so damned easy. I think it's the reason people often think of things as 'divisive', 'polarising' or 'heated' - it's us and our choices, nothing more, IMO.

Gratitude:

~ More good weather, but punctuated by sudden, humbling un-forecast rain 

~ Discovering documentaries

~ A new gifted oven

~ Showering without much of my own grief

Over and out,

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

Hiya all, happy weekend! 

So much to say, but since it's here, I'll say that after a couple of hours each day for a week, I was finally defeated by bad luck in terms of why I was sticking with one in-game activity. Today is a voting day, and I got that out of the way early - but on top of my defeat, I want to spend some time finding out how people have gone with the process, which probably just means walking around outside and browsing media, even if I talk little to none.

On the topic of talking, I've been wondering how many of us actually do that like we used to. The process should have remained simple: shared interest and equal information exchange over available time. But I've seen and read what suggests there's just too much oneupmanship and schadenfreude - spiteful joy. I guess there just has to be smarter or re-learning how to be smarter about approaching conversations. -> Us youngish males, for instance, should get better at overcoming feelings of enmity when facing a person in preparation just to talk.

Yesterday, I felt secure in my course to arrive at the gym, until when both I and a wayward-ish man laid eyes upon each other: I thought by his swaggering glances at passersby that he could be dangerous, whereas he, perhaps at my size and slow walk saw me as 'the next challenge' for the morning. Anyway, my legs started to shake after we closed our distance, and despite it being a nice day and how comfortable I'd felt halfway through the gym-route, I still managed to think to myself, 'Is this the end of me, now, almost meaninglessly?' No, I was determined to be agreeable and soft-spoken as usual, until we first made for the direction I was going in, before he lost focus and 'started' backwards upon a few others. Just my thinking and concentrated disruption to my journey alone has made me wonder whether I should wait a little longer before heading back there. Is that enough to say? What would you guys have done? To inform on us both, I've frequently been a little lost over the past few years, and I think I a lot of people would have mentally constructed a homelessness/drug-addiction profile of the person I met - maybe. 

I also talked with my mum as she stayed nearby this week, about how I used to meet needs on my MMORPG fake copy, after high school finished: how I was a 'good sport', generally liked and so on. I've forgotten the finer points, but she just said 'we can't go back (in time)' - you know, except in memory. This made me think and wonder how much I really want to remember, going forward, and how much I should just focus on feelings of actual accomplishment and livelihood. Finally noting; I'm may be going to work next week and applying for part-funded study in the meantime. It's just hard to let go of good memories, and even some of the bad, though well-collected.

Hang in there; it's just a season/period of time.

~ Matt

 

 

[Ameissen]

Hey Matt / wheatbiscuit,

Good week to you! I'll share that I'm observing a few words you've used, like spiteful, enmity, 'the next challenge', even feeling it might be the end of you when you and other person walked near each other at the gym. It sounds to me like there is something inside of you that needs to be seen and released. Because thankfully, you did not get destroyed by this person. I sense your worries about others. That's awful to carry that type of pain! By something inside of you that needs to be seen and released -- I mean a negative emotion or some type of tension that is inspiring you to see threat in the world, when thankfully there is not so much threat, as evidenced by your example. I don't know you or your situation fully -- my apologies if it truly is threatening where you live and that's a known fact about your neighborhood -- but I can just imagine it would be very challenging to break away from gaming and adopt a positive life outside of gaming if the real world is just a huge big threat! Especially if the people are like, carrying spite and enmity and things like that. 

I speak from experience -- as you connect with whatever is inside you that spurs your perception this way, you yourself become more at ease, more at peace, and the world just blossoms into something so great you don't want to game anymore. You're motivated by what life is, what you're finding it can be. I haven't read all of your posts, but I'm sure you've sensed this, especially to be here in this forum.

And then yeah -- people also treat you differently too when you're not on guard, when you're happier and at peace, people do become happier also, as they share in your joy and the joy you wish for them; they share in the freedom from hate, threat, stress, you wish for them because you yourself know, as a human being, that it is awesome to enjoy your life with safety. They join you in that. And so I extend that to you, friend.

Andrew

[ZenYogi]

Hey Matt,

This is really good. Thanks for sharing. I’ve ran into some people who matched the description you gave of the guy at the gym. I’ve felt the same discomfort especially when I went to the free rec center gym. I had people with severe mental health disorders yell threats at me etc. 

I found a gym that’s like much more calm feeling and has been safe for me. Especially if I go early in the day when it’s less crowded. If you need a few days to you know deep breathe and let your mind relax before going back to the gym I think that’s good. Is your gym usually chill and this person was the exception?

Or is it like that free gym I went to where almost every time I went someone was showing up and vaping in the gym, accosting people verbally or blasting profanity on max volume on their speakers? 

Last point: you aren’t the only one that dude was acting like that to. The guy yelling at me was reported to have been yelling at members multiple times a day and was eventually banned.

[ZenYogi]

On 5/8/2025 at 10:12 AM, Ameissen said:

Hey Matt / wheatbiscuit,

Good week to you! I'll share that I'm observing a few words you've used, like spiteful, enmity, 'the next challenge', even feeling it might be the end of you when you and other person walked near each other at the gym. It sounds to me like there is something inside of you that needs to be seen and released. Because thankfully, you did not get destroyed by this person. I sense your worries about others. That's awful to carry that type of pain! By something inside of you that needs to be seen and released -- I mean a negative emotion or some type of tension that is inspiring you to see threat in the world, when thankfully there is not so much threat, as evidenced by your example. I don't know you or your situation fully -- my apologies if it truly is threatening where you live and that's a known fact about your neighborhood -- but I can just imagine it would be very challenging to break away from gaming and adopt a positive life outside of gaming if the real world is just a huge big threat! Especially if the people are like, carrying spite and enmity and things like that. 

I speak from experience -- as you connect with whatever is inside you that spurs your perception this way, you yourself become more at ease, more at peace, and the world just blossoms into something so great you don't want to game anymore. You're motivated by what life is, what you're finding it can be. I haven't read all of your posts, but I'm sure you've sensed this, especially to be here in this forum.

And then yeah -- people also treat you differently too when you're not on guard, when you're happier and at peace, people do become happier also, as they share in your joy and the joy you wish for them; they share in the freedom from hate, threat, stress, you wish for them because you yourself know, as a human being, that it is awesome to enjoy your life with safety. They join you in that. And so I extend that to you, friend.

Andrew

Hey Andrew

I like your reply. I agree that sending love or reframing people compassionately helps you be in relation to them. Especially with people you aren’t as comfortable with.

Ultimately I’ll send everyone love and really try to love them from afar when they chafe me mentally too. I just imagine sending love beams to them. But don’t get involved much more than that.
 

How do you manage it when it’s a not so comfy person(s) in your immediate environment? 
 

Thanks for being a part of this

Pema

[Ameissen]

3 hours ago, ZenYogi said:

Hey Andrew

I like your reply. I agree that sending love or reframing people compassionately helps you be in relation to them. Especially with people you aren’t as comfortable with.

Ultimately I’ll send everyone love and really try to love them from afar when they chafe me mentally too. I just imagine sending love beams to them. But don’t get involved much more than that.
 

How do you manage it when it’s a not so comfy person(s) in your immediate environment? 
 

Thanks for being a part of this

Pema

Hey Pema --

Sometimes when I'm with a not so comfy person, and the action to take is not obvious, and it's just uncomfortable, I remind myself of two things. One, don't wait for my suffering to end to be happy. And two, anything that takes the smile off my face is not the truth. Continue wishing them well and notice their discomfort as their own, not letting it interrupt the joy of your living. The joy of your living is ultimately the inspirational force that makes people like the not so comfy people adjust -- and if they do not adjust on their own, it is the clearest force that brings you clarity of mind and action as for when to act. Because you are acting out of compassion, now, out of the sincerest wish for all beings -- including you and them, to be well. To be in harmony, in peace.

Thanks for being a part of this too.

Andrew

[wheatbiscuit]

Hi all, haven't signed in to any of my problem games since my last post. I moved past the thoughts and compulsions even to organise any game profiles or search for updates to details or in-game currency. One of today's mindful moments was towelling off, and focusing on patting and drying my head. Previously, a lot about cleaning me or my room has been rushed or lacking in energy. Such moments, and others - like stillness hearing birds and wind or rain - are helpful to me.

I took a couple of detours to my preferred gym, avoiding the park memorial, which was where I met the wayward stranger from before - but I passed it on the way back, both times. He nor anyone similar showed up. *shrug* 

I've read a lot of news, posts and books. A few times even then, I didn't want any distractions from them, and a non-fiction PDF I found was a little rattling. So was some of the Harry Potter series (now finished, again). Talented, but yeah, ah well.

Not much else to say, so my gratitude is for general health. Good luck everyone.

~ Matt

Edited May 15 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[wheatbiscuit]

Today was hard for me to understand. 

1) I slept quite awhile after making a semi-nice dinner. I'm not as impatient as the rest of my family has been, but when I know I have to look after myself, I kind of get that over with in a hurry. Sometimes I wish that took longer and was more enjoyable. *shrug* Maybe that's my 'baseline 'happy''. In the middle of the night, there was also an hour or two of semi-conscious longing for my problem-RPG, mixed with memories, gone when the sun rose though.

2) I am on sedatives, I am pretty sure. This makes it somewhat harder to force my solo goals through during the day. Today, I decided not to go for a 'turkey' (3 workouts on 3 consecutive days) and went for a long walk instead. Because walking doesn't take as much determination - except for direction - I let passing cars, people and pets overwhelm me, in a sense. I soon put in my earphones and started powering through. That's as much as I can do, whilst trying not to choose too much 'angry' music.

3) Another parental mishap in communication, in a word. I was asked how I was going, and I replied well, only for the continuation of the conversation to spiral narcissistically without my further assistance. That's 'relapse-fuel', as some of us here may know. But I'm going to eat my vegetables and calm down. I was also shared a word game which felt bad to lose, when added to the confusion. That, and related issues, I understand.

4) Lastly, I this week's talk-therapy session was so surprisingly natural that I forgot to actually take in knowledge offered to me (though I still listened intently, it just.. didn't completely work out). Then, luck-of-the-draw, one of my parents's favourite phrases was used, and I verbally bashed it a little bit. I think I caused offence, but maybe not. All I know is, I felt disappointed when dismissed a little too shortly.

I guess I just need to follow through on my own words to myself as best I can, and not get my hopes too high, as unfortunate as that is, for now. Happy weekend.

~ Matt P.S., Gratitude - The park landscapes played a starring-enough role on my walk to sufficiently ground me (for awhile). 

Edited May 17 by wheatbiscuit
extra

[wheatbiscuit]

Last night, I dreamt that a persuaded friend moved the moon to its opposite orbit with a magic wand. I also trimmed the storage space of one gaming profile. It's a really, really tough gig to say 'I'm never touching another competitive (or otherwise) game again', because of how I'm affected. But as I gave a regularly revisited part of the game 15 minutes with a cup of tea this morning, I knew and felt it was exacerbating whatever offline concerns I was having at that precise moment.

The funny thing is, a good portion of my triggers have been over text messages. During my 2023 detox, I still had it in me to send long texts explaining problems I had. Yes, there was a crucial moment or two in the past when care was not sufficiently shown or given, but I earned the pauses that other people took to then respond. But maybe the internet often does have 'a short memory'. The last week or two, I had all-but-exhausted my independent reserves of offline energy repeatedly, and over the weekend experienced diminishing returns.

I don't want to fight everyone and everything until I would become unwell again in the way I did, but I'm wondering how else to keep getting through to people that some things are not OK and shouldn't be as intensely suffered. I know extended family does just that, and from wherever I've sat witnessing it, I haven't been able to imagine it being worth it, even for them. Today, if I even gave fair warning of there being a likely fight, I think I'd just be mocked, or worse. *shrugging sigh*

I remember a long-passed moment when, because they were driving, a family member refused to admit that another's company was needed, only 'wanted', and repeated as such. That other person promptly asked to be let out of the car to walk home, presumably on principle. I sat out the awkward rest of the trip. The worst part is, increasingly, all of things like that 'just figure' to me. Maybe I'll start asking up front, 'What do you need?' I know I'm soured on negotiation with a lot of people already, but hey. New week; good luck. 

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

- I made a brief case against encouraging a person to simply acknowledge (and quickly get over) 'mental blocks'. They're useful if you're angry; there'd be less 'flying off the handle'.

- Who fancies telling a pre-teen that they're all-out 'delusional' for having semi-odd ideas?

- Who brags about having a competent mask of sanity and uses that as an excuse/warning/toss-around in conversation?

- Why hide real, honest-to-goodness diagnostic criteria and demand that the world change to adopt one person's unhealthy communication habits?

A single point for each who has failed me this month. Also, who dishes out 'you're a slow learner' on the regular but rarely learns at all?

Lol. ~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

One night coming home, I dropped one of two bottles of milk, and it exploded on the pavement, and over the side of a car. When I asked at home, I was told not to worry about going back to clean it. Similar story with finding an overloaded cupboard from the business next door - I especially wanted to pack everything that had fallen out back in neatly. Is the reason or two that I would be quickly blamed for both things occurring (one of which I was, though distracted), or simply that I (hopefully not me, in particular) should minimise any time spent near people I don't know's things?

And, on the toilet, I started thinking about trust (versus independence/autonomy). Balancing the two is difficult, here, I'd rather just know which is better to try and focus on. What thoughts does everybody else have on that?

I had another weird dream or two, but under this morning's concerns I've forgotten about what, for now.

~ Matt

[Yan]

On 5/19/2025 at 10:52 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

I had another weird dream or two, but under this morning's concerns I've forgotten about what, for now.

Gotta catch them in text right away or else they escape like a Pokemon 🙂

 

On 5/19/2025 at 10:52 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

And, on the toilet, I started thinking about trust (versus independence/autonomy). Balancing the two is difficult, here, I'd rather just know which is better to try and focus on. What thoughts does everybody else have on that?

Why does trust contradict independence or autonomy? Like because if you trust someone to do something you're giving away control? Well, if it's a person you trust for the first time, then it's unpredictable what they'll do and it's fine, because living life without "leverage" of trust will cost you a lot more.

If it's a person you're dealing with not for the first time and they've often broken their promises then be ready for this in advance. These are my 5 cents on the matter, feel free to comment and elaborate if you meant something else.

[wheatbiscuit]

Hi all.

I've already mentioned the gaming profile 'trim'/re-order that I did last weekend, and the would-be trap of a few more sessions this week were borne of a similar 'Oh, just finish up with this, and that' line of thinking.

But I had the thought that I was also trying to narrow down the sort of activity I'd like to spend 'unproductive' time on whilst offline. Obviously, tracking time during 'activities' is a lot more pressured when counting game actions per minute/points per hour - and that feels competent - but the thing is, if I knew for certain what could fill a space of 40-90 minutes (my average 'bored' time block), and could then let go, and 'build' - like I was doing on my computer - that would be 'problem solved'. Typing this is similar, but I wouldn't actively take pictures and show everybody to inspire them. After all, a majority of healthy people are supposedly ever-motivated by love, career, tidiness, etc. I'm looking for 'fixes' of low-risk creativity, almost. 

I had a bad dream the night before last (waking up at 4am, eventually napping later-morning), and though my ever-decisive-on-what's-crazy-and-what's-not parent said I shouldn't derive meaning from dreams, they themselves featured in it. That idea that the subconscious is reflected in dreams is very difficult for me to shake. Anyway, I reached out to two people, and breaking a significant silent streak of non-contact and self-absorption was incredibly stressful. I couldn't even start a gaming session in that state, and simply repeated phrases to myself to calm down, before opening an easy book and concentrating, one word at a time.

____________

@Yan This is going to sound stupid, but something usually tells me whether I'm 'reading' a 'safe' or otherwise social situation, and my condition quickly (perhaps too quickly) determines whether or not to bother sharing anything about my day/respond to disinterest. Someone I already knew told me the same thing, out of nowhere, as well as the old 'simply just do whatever you're afraid of'. The thing is, I do often have time to think of reasons why fear is sensible (potentially too many), and how things have played out in the past. I read that NPD-related issues can start with a way of experience that is (or becomes) too 'at odds' with initial relationship partners, and real confidence doesn't really develop. I've been character-assassinated before, in this regard.

Sending y'all strength. ~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

After 1 day and night off:

How can something like a game be deleted and re-downloaded, bought and sold, at a whim of either wanting to be better, or suddenly not caring if we do get better? It's because so many of us have done those exact things, that it can't be that important. That, I argue is an unhealthy relationship.

Strategy, planning, thinking, etc are benefits up until the player is truly sucked in to the rewards and rhythm (or whatever) of it all. That's a very short while, I'm saying. 

-> I slept enough (and well, mostly), but I actually lay through a vicious internal debate, which went, 'Just play/No way, that sucks!' I don't know if it is healthy or progress to have given voice to what could only be called 'my addiction'.

I won't likely celebrate yet another argument that I have to settle for most of each week, but at least it's conscious. 

_______

I am fairly certain that yesterday I was officially allowed into a course of study. The stakes could be said to be 'low', but I think I'll know when I see the material and due dates. Happy weekend guys.

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Happy Sunday all, though so many Sundays have been difficult for me.

I've been on my 'solo' profile (on an online multiplayer game) this week. It was probably right for me to be told, that, if abstaining from games, 'the high' would be/is over. That high/the high, whichever. It just sucks that so many of my triumphs have felt realest when they have been of little consequence. Yes, I have definitely suffered from that knowledge, but it hasn't stopped me chasing those things, when either boredom or lack of triumphant emotion results in a mental 'stand-still'. I haven't wanted to simply snap to attention and march right off to an aggressive gym session, as I used to do from back in the family home. 

I used to think I was super-independent for not complaining much. People might just not have liked that word, and its associations, so I soaked that attitude up and consolidated on it. However, standing up for the needs of individuals and other groups still seems to be virtuous or brave. Certainly, I have wanted to be considered equal to people in my life, not just a side-show in someone else's. It could be that some of my treatment of others has left a similar feeling behind too. I shall continue to try and remember and operate like that.

Those few things alone leave me enough to deal with IMO, and it's tough but I may have to confess that I'm not ready for new mountains of knowledge from organised study. Our public/official achievements may be fit for comparison, but I appreciate that the experiences behind them can hold just as much weight.

Hoping y'all enjoy the weekend as you best can,

~ Matt

[allanjchiang]

Remember, you are not alone. I have played many games disguised as "visual novels." I would say maybe weigh the pros and cons of organised study as a small recommendation from me.

[wheatbiscuit]

There were going to be over 8000 (probably 'over 9000', but perish that thought) cursor clicks, whilst waiting with bated breath, to meet a largely arbitrary goal, on a problem game, for me. Adding to that, I took a risk for a 'mission' which was simply not going to work, which actually felt like devastating misfortune - even the new mate I talked myself into it with, agreed. I had been 'playing' for most of the day. Two missions later, I had raced around (the screen) to find only what was half-effective, with very limited in-game 'means'. Finally, even as I dropped the missions and that line of activity 'for another day', I desperately made to set up the 8000-click 'grind', which would have meant about 20-30 minutes yesterday night (not to mention the following weeks of spare (and intrusive upon learning/relationships) time - supposedly 'fun'), and I couldn't do it.

The other, non-game parts of the day were actually very fulfilling, despite being in a deeply addicted state for up to a week. But instead of riding those offline positive waves until bed, I made a quick meal and signed in. I was satisfied, or sated, for ten minutes until I was finished eating. Then, it was just a trap. It's been a trap for me since the game's re-release when I was trying to study after coming of age. That isn't how things are, or were, meant to be. It would definitely not have taken a genius to work that out in my position, yesterday. 

I have two observations to make: Firstly, opening this forum and reading is often very comforting. But I think it does unfortunately result in more conscious consideration for games as a whole than we'd perhaps like. I know that it's been that way for me. Secondly, the internet/being behind a keyboard can do funny things to our natural confidence. I would personally love to say that games can't get any more out of my consciousness forthwith, but I know that the journey of giving them up will for quite some time continue; dreaming, boredom, celebration, loneliness and what-have-you. I guess this is yet one more call of many past to do one's best to appreciate and show devotion to life.

One dinner conversation I had this year led me to actually say, "It's between the pleasure of playing at something which doesn't matter, and the effort/struggle of showing up virtually because, 'Uh oh, my (virtual) team 'needs' me.' Only my game was mostly between me and myself. I am needed by me to begin with, and offline all the better. 

Thanks guys, and again good luck

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

There have been 2 full days off gaming. Thursday came with that now-familiar feeling of renewal (which specifically is in the short-term), and Friday I wore myself out exercising for a couple of hours. I had to use my own earphone music to escape the drone of most of what the gym was playing at the start though.

I was reading more Harry Potter, and it dawned on me that I'd read books 1-4 before discovering my problem game. Dragons, magic, etc - it's almost no wonder. 

But mostly, I think it was because I've always liked to hone in my attention on things, and get 'comfortable', and all that with games. My first games were Mario, then Pokemon, N64 and LOTR. Then, when problems started to arise, I heard the game-music of the journey that would half wreck my education coming from downstairs. I investigated, and from day one, I was fascinated, glued-to and absorbed into what were very simple reward mechanics. It would have been impossible not to notice my interest, had I been an impartial enough observer of my own behaviour. Should I be mad at anyone or anything for my journey? I was at bedtime on Thursday, truth be told. I almost shouted out in resistance. Going to sleep angry is horrible. I'll be happy to see through a Winter peaceably without being bested. 

Gratitude:

~ An electric heater the previous night and maybe for several more - though I needed more water

~ Stopping long enough to hear birds in the morning (a favourite sound)

~ Finding the sense to realise I've felt overwhelmed

~ I don't like it much, but you know, having suffered more might have led to more appreciation

Weekend's here; hope it's bearable for all

~ Matt

P.S. - Sincere noobage - pressing buttons to a level-18 starter pokemon before clearing the first area because I couldn't work past the dialogue/mission coding. The next few may have been a breeze, but the scary thing is that I wasn't made by anyone or anything to feel the pain of the time I'd spent at it, and so assumed it was right. Funny.

[wheatbiscuit]

A 4th day without games. I want to describe where I left my several gaming profiles, and detail why further play would be a time-sink and actually stressful.

a) The 'celebratory' profile - one that started and almost was an entirely mindless pursuit after I had a good night at a friend's engagement party, and caught a lift home. That is the one I spent several years advancing to 'completion'. I actually left a few activities incomplete, perhaps because I joined GameQuitters before spending longer stretches of time on it, and I didn't want to talk about how I got there with other players, because it would feel bad.

b) The 'main' (first account made upon my worst game's re-release) - I went through all of the available quests and combat levels before letting a schoolmate play it for more years than I had held onto it. I told him back then that it was good of him to take it 'off my hands'. I had recently adjusted to new medication and was thriving, to a degree. I had also spent terribly long hours on a private server since I got done with it. There is a small in-game advantage to having a profile (at least once) completed the quest list. I considered buffing it up again several times, but luckily didn't.

c) The 'pure' - The simplest explanation is 'purely offensive levelling'. I also lent this to the same friend, and somehow inherited it back with completely different items and levels. The problem was that I put effort into its recovery, and stared at it whilst wasting thought-space.

d) The 'solo' profile - This was a challenge mode I tried to a similar degree back when I'd finished with 'the main'. I lost the information to that first profile, and felt compelled to create another. There was very little reason for this, except for the near-completion of the 'celebratory' profile, and choosing the lesser (less 'boring') of two evils. Last Sunday/Monday, I unlocked a fairly powerful object, at the price of significant play-stress. That has to be because I was sitting at the desk, all comfortable, but panicking because of what was unfolding on the screen. The greatest fear on that game remains (for me) the wasting of already-wasted time, if a far-progressed mission is failed. This is the game profile I had set up to waste at least a month more on. I really 'played myself' on this one - since last Christmas.

(Finally) e) The 'blitz-to-be' profile - I was literally going to try and find out if I could set up another 'main', but starting with most of the best equipment. This would have sucked up at least 6 months of spare time, I wager.

_____________

The above list is supposed to draw poison from a wound that I almost care not to identify the origin of. A loss of community, a breakup, moving out, inherent weakness? Again, I almost don't mind. I just know that I've relapsed on several past Sundays, and the only thing I haven't tried is really relaxing on them, despite getting more than enough sleep.

Reply with what kept y'all glued to the screen, if you like. Good luck everyone.

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Morning of day 5: Good/great sleep, so signing into the problem game occurred to me - 5 minutes of comfort leading up to untold wasted time and thought. There was also a weekly points boost activity coming. When I brushed that aside, I sat in idle silence and thought about some birthday wishes that I forgot to send. One of my parents told me they'd sent an email for her, and I found myself wondering why. 

The unspoken understanding probably relates to depressive episodes. I personally wasn't feeling up to expressing genuine cheerfulness, or at least getting past an introduction in text message or phone call, so I'll hopefully catch up later.

The questioning why came from my later experiences at home with two out of three of my family. I've learnt that despite history, they didn't know what to do when I became unwell, but often gave up and kind of showed neglect. There was a bad crowd in the neighbourhood, and when I brought this up on occasion, there were negative outcomes. Either I learnt to speak up by playing my problem game initially as a young person, or I'm actually good at recognising where to draw lines. It is in fact the latter possibility that had me again considering to sign into one or two game profiles as a 'screw you' to everyone involved. I guess I know that I either have to sit through these things or type vaguely enough about them. Writing with a pen still feels a bit off. 

Update: Midday: One of my best bodyweight workouts at the park; only, I felt somewhat anxious for not knowing how much energy I really had, and from visualising the hardest part of the routine first. After about 33% of the way through, it was a pleasant struggle - between catching my breath, resting the involved muscle groups and not over-consuming water to avoid puking up my last meal. It was the closest thing to measured progress, but aside from the endorphins and feeling strong, it was still kind of purposeless. Great weather, some cold - wouldn't have minded talking to some other people at the park, but at least I had a rhythm.

Gratitude:

~ One long block of sleep

~ Getting over some nausea and digesting dinner

~ Having motivation to come here soon after thinking of it

~ Only having my subconscious punish me a little for re-reading so much - it's a testing time, that's why I'm doing it

Peace,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Tuesday morning, day 6: I had the sort of sleep I was getting whilst in the grip of the solo gaming profile. I'd even thought about the quests (that I've completed 5+ times in on previous profiles already!) left for two 'essential' rewards/loot right before dozing off - in the first hours of darkness. I was tired from both walking and lifting.

Perhaps as a result of those game considerations, I woke up in a state of readiness but also agitation. During my first detox, it was rare for that to happen - I was grateful for each day that I didn't have to spend competing on the private server based on my problem game. I'm also trying to stay mindful of what I type, which is great, but quite often stops me from getting into a flow/rhythm, almost leaving me feeling way too overcautious in offline situations. Still, the most important thing to me is the mental wellness journey and preventing the kind of conflict that could do serious damage. 

On that topic, I found an odd/contradictory piece of advice supposedly from the author of 'Life at the Bottom', which I read a couple of times in the last couple of years. Apparently, he recommends 'losing one's self' above 'finding one's self' in the pursuit of a life - or at least that is what he recommends to patients in need.

I definitely found during a few days of recent study material that I was not considering much of myself at all, aside from making a cup of tea for it. That said, I also found that the time passed much the way that it did while I gamed: a certain disregard for much of my senses, my detailed notes felt somewhat untrue (they might only be understandable by me), and the confidence that eventually saw me outside for groceries/exercise was simply momentum and habit, not mindfulness.

Now, is mindfulness (and no doubt, the author above has an article or quote on it) losing one's self, finding one's self, both simultaneously, or neither? To ground myself again (something definitely helpful to me), I was happy to open GQ on my phone upon waking (to read, not to type - I would find it painful at the phone) to find several of your posts detailing the struggle. I wanted to blitz respond, but asked myself how much good it would do before ordering my own thoughts.

Edit: After a few things I sorted out, there appeared to be a window which I would have used for a game session. I plan to sit it out instead and take care of some extras. I thought I may have had therapy this morning, but it's next week. This window is probably because I worked up the energy to get there, and now it remains. Mystery unravelled. 

Edit 2: I did 2 laps of a new 40-minute walking loop, which felt good because it was fresh in my memory and the sun was higher. I rested a bit, and did a bit of thinking about my main game. So, a specific detail of it - a character can bring limited objects 'out into the (wider) game', and a small percentage of that space on my 'solo' profile was given to two objects that it would be extremely tedious to re-obtain, as they could not be stored elsewhere in the game. I was forcing myself to choose between freeing up the space and performing 8000 attentive clicks, or leaving them there for as long as I chose to stick with the profile - because going without both would give me the appearance of a newbie. Without dedicated friends to share the 'experience' , the 8000 clicks seem even more out of the question, but if that were avoided, I still only had one activity in mind to try and enjoy, and it wouldn't ever really be the same as when I first played with that content, many years ago. -> Anyway, the important thinking on either side of this was of how easily pessimistic/dystopian my view of the world is when I'm sufficiently focused on a gaming goal. Even when I'm away from the computer, I scurry about my business until I can get back in front of the screen. Again, that's not how and basically can't be how my life should continue to unfold. Just as this post (https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/3548-why-you-should-write-in-other-languages/) says, my dedicated presence - indeed, that of any one of us on GQ - in the offline world has an impact on the way things turn out for everyone. Today, I noticed this some more. Besides, I'd rather beat the crud out of a real rock (in a secure setting) than click on intangible ones 8000 times whilst stationary at this point. It's simply more likely to be a set of dumbbell pull-overs every now and then, as things stand. Robin Williams - 'Your move, chief(internet).'

Godspeed.

~ Matt

Edited June 10 by wheatbiscuit
Extras on a slow day

[wheatbiscuit]

Wednesday morning, 7 days in: Two main dreaming scenarios; one bliss/contentment, one confronting. Basically, it was a wild night in my head. I think initially I was celebrating in my sleep a few of the good feelings I had while awake yesterday, sans-games. Elsewhere, I felt that I was the most relied upon/senior person in several moments - even though everyone else in the dreams played their parts as well. Anyway, I think I'd prefer slightly less excitement and extremes there. However, I haven't woken up as agitated as yesterday.

I don't feel overeager about doing much, but what worked on Monday was a morning walk and some lifting around midday. We'll see - cheers all.

Update: I've rested after the walk, reading up on some internet 'feels'. I thought about the format of my worst game, and how I've mostly liked watching the 'random number generator' do its thing on centre-screen (the other interfaces are kind of irksome, honestly): either showing actual numbers or varying the acquisition rate of objects after I clicked. I shuffle in my chair just thinking about the suspense. Perhaps at least while offline, most of us have the confidence to eventually contribute something that is both unexpected and yet trustworthy/believable. There was certainly a lack of belief in the circumstantially bad in-game missions I had during my last session, a week ago. I intend to try to go out again in a short while. See y'all soon.

Update 2: I noted two things on the way to the gym and back: a) Nothing does compare to being fully present in the offline world - but also b) Whilst I wouldn't/couldn't trade 'a)' for anything, I felt like absolutely anything other than the level of anxiety I had experienced by the time I got to the entrance - even a problem game. It was sort of like @Ameissen pulled me up on previously - so many people seemingly experiencing myself and others as threats, on top of it all. Will try to sit unhealthy urges out some while longer.

~ Matt

Edited June 11 by wheatbiscuit
Updates

[wheatbiscuit]

Morning of day 0, or 1.

I think the main problem with yesterday (as I didn't want to post 1000 words in Update 2), was that I lacked courage. From all of last week's posts and others, honesty with myself was almost no problem. - But, two or three people I witnessed on the way to the gym yesterday seemed to be in spaces where my courage (where no one else's seemed to show) was demanded. A solid course of action didn't fully form in my mind, but I could have used my limited verbal script to intervene in their situations:

1) A couple of people with dubious appearances crossed the road in front of traffic, taking all the time in the world to do so. I stared, but that was fine enough - nobody was physically hurt. However, once on the same sidewalk as me, one or both of them took turns to screech at from what I could see were only females as they passed each other. Sure, I felt uneasy, but I wasn't even the one on the receiving end (though I fancied they noticed my awkward overtaking - anyway). Since I was all opened up and still glowing from successes closer to home, I saw myself stopping to ask what they were doing. That could have come out wrong, or even seemed extremely hostile and prying - in the worlds of those two particular people. I did nothing of the sort, and waited anxiously to cross to the next block, putting as much distance between them and me - but also the presumably innocent surrounding public! It was almost cowardly. But again, fine - surely they would snap out of/get bored of it. I actually heard the same screeches lasting a further 200-300 metres behind me as I walked.

2) Once I was convinced that my two potential friends would miss the safe crossing to the next block, I tried to calm myself down. Instead, I saw a very familiar rough sleeper staring dazedly in my general direction. He and I had met previously, but I don't know if he recognises as many people anymore. He used to haunt a cafe and ask people to donate to/buy him something, with sincere and kind desperation. Who knows what he thinks or feels now? He first told me 2 years ago as a stranger that he could no longer 'be f****d' to work. One could take that literally in two ways - that he had been thoroughly mistreated or mismanaged, or that he had no further ambitions. Is that all that separates him from others? Again, who could say what information talking to him now would yield? Either way, it was 'gym first, worry later'.

Ah, but it was lunch hour. The streets were almost the worst kind of busy. I skirted one block, and carefully made my way. By the time I got there, I felt non-existent (surprise, or karma from avoidance?) and turned around, the brave facade dropping, journeying home quite a bit faster than I'd moved during the first trip.

That's the truth. Later on in the day, I dredged through 30 minutes of preparatory game-time, and settled in for the evening with healthy food and a documentary alongside it. It is painful to see and share what sounds like misery when I read over some of our posts here, but I really accepted each step of the way yesterday until I was sure it was unsalvageable by me alone. I'll try to be honest about how dealing with today goes, if possible. 

_________

Thursday afternoon: Update: I've been re-watching Michael Moore's 'Where to Invade Next?' documentary. I have actually been in school in two different overseas countries before, and while mostly what I did was soak up vibes, I got to see and meet a lot of things and people. One thing that was important was friendship with neighbours. A lot of similar vibes/ideas are shared in the documentary. For example, people having a voice, or feeling like they do, and being free and able to make many choices. I would be surprised if my old gaming (Mr. 'Your interests are actually hobbies') buddy wasn't in favour of such ideas. -> To the point, making simple choices and rehearsing dilemmas has been a great privilege while not occupied with games; the only choice - once occupied - is what to finally move on to when games have brought one to the brink of exhaustion: something that gets only the last 10-20% of one's energy. However, addiction does tend to say ''keep going' and you'll 'get that goodie''. There is a very basic resilience to it. I simply found out yesterday that I'd come too far and too fast in terms of daily choice and privilege that came without games - so I back-pedalled into the pre-planned play I'd been missing. Can someone ever truly miss the core substance of their addiction? The fact remains, I've added some other form of entertainment/conversation/offline planning mostly mere minutes after signing in, simultaneously. I guess offline, walking whilst chewing bubble-gum isn't such a big deal - but it would feel like that on my solo journeys outdoors. "What's that brother doing chewing as he struts?", or some such. 😄 Next problem - 'Taking offline productivity too seriously', plus safety and security.

Edited June 12 by wheatbiscuit
Update

[Amphibian220]

Reading your posts, i feel like you should continue working to reduce online entertainment and develop skills for your character that you’ve identified.

If we make a protest about internet entertainment and video games, we are going to feel a lot better. Protesting predatory entertainment will give meaning to our cause and aid recovery. 

[wheatbiscuit]

Saturday morning:

I got a cup of tea and play-time technically out of the way, early on, and then walked about 4 miles (6 kilometres). I was hoping to return back online here to say that I was tuned in to the quiet, natural sounds of my environment at the park - but once I'd started on the track I've been on over 100 times, I used a music shuffle through my earphones that luckily played a lot of unobjectionable stuff. There was still a certain amount of anxiety crossing the intersection and traffic outside of the park's entrance, even as everything seemed to be going my way. 

Back on Thursday evening, I had a shared dinner with some family, and it was pretty cool. But the only thing I gradually remembered being talked about and recommended was a 'biopic'/movie. I didn't watch very much of it yesterday, as several moments weren't quite 'jiving' with me. Had I finished watching, I would have reviewed it with them later. I mean, I could have taken notes or doodled, letting some of the uncomfortable scenes pass over me, but I was waiting for sustained (acted) emotion that I actually could work with, so to speak. 

Anyway, back to this morning, I've now rested a little over a book and some nuts, and asked myself what variety I needed to seek out - not novelty, necessarily. I wondered this because only re-fitting my quilt cover and putting things away were going to present any. Yes, it is a question of learning how to do things, but more about how I or others feel about the day. I seem to thrive on emotion - sure, I've been proud of any logic or reason I've used effectively before, but there it is. It's possibly why I can unwind whilst walking and singing (in my head, in the absence of public partners) to music. 

So when we're reading here, I also ask: Is it impossible to take any revelatory posts seriously if they include details of relapsed behaviour? My last stretch of abstinence lasted a week, and whilst I was happy with what I'd detailed here and conversations had over the course of it, if I personally wasn't trapped inside my head, my emotions probably were, offline. The walk towards a gym or place of exercise is serious business to me, so I do it in mindful silence until I've determined whether my exercise plan on any day would benefit more from earphone music. Again, without the promise of light-hearted chit chat and real-life play (like kicking a ball or throwing a frisbee, overshooting them and running to pick them up again), almost of course I yearned for the online e-game that has roped me in consistently for years.

Finally, it is a long-held habit for me to wait for a person to form and express full sentences, almost anywhere at any time. While I was idly playing this week, another 'solo' gaming profile owner typed ''solo' moment' where only they and I were sharing the in-game area. Their profile was 100x more advanced. Now, they didn't say 'Wow, I remember clicking to watch what you were doing, years/months ago', they typed two words, and I thought this was to hang around long enough for me to assess and compare my profile to theirs. I never typed anything back that session, even as his character returned to the area multiple times. I actually filtered his messages out, because most of my hopes for having good conversations on that official game version have been dashed, in the more recent past. This is the sort of social thing I remember and try to learn from. Otherwise, what good is the most healthy, offline routine, me being me? I'm still always trying to model good behaviour. When I can easily count the people who've openly stated that they've learnt from me or from similar habits, I'll know I've made progress.

____________

Gratitude:

~ Not being rained on too much (yet)

~ A successful low-carb start to the day

~ My neighbour's music and relative calm - I think

~ Pro/con of typing only half of what I intended to (catch y'all later, maybe)

Good luck,

~ Matt