2nd Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

Sunday's rolled around again:

It's been a mostly beautiful morning, mostly because of a quick and simple decision not to dwell on waking up earlier, after some disturbed sleep/dreams. I did sign in for two sessions of play since yesterday's post, but to be honest, the only things I regretted were eating or trying to watch 'A Complete Unknown', the movie about Bob Dylan's fame, at the same time as playing. Even then, I found out the limit of 10-15 minutes of triple-tasking on my attention. I haven't enjoyed movies nearly as much as when I quit gaming unofficially for 2 years back in 2017, and watched several per day. That was also to catch up with the population on entertainment.

After waking, it really was just the thought of playing a downloaded music track called 'Say Yes to Life', by Gang of Youths. The singer and band work themselves up to a shout of the same title by the end of the song, and I decided to listen to some more songs - suddenly, it was a good enough time to go out and try to find and buy eggs and bread. Guess what's cooking next?

_________ 

(Harry Potter book spoiler alert!) I finished reading Harry Potter 4 (Goblet of Fire) for the second time this year. It has the best ending, but not because I think J.K. Rowling should have resurrected Voldemort at the end of the story. It's because of the feelings and emotions described that made me think of it as such. Some examples; 1) Harry wishes the Hogwarts Express's journey back home would never finish - I've had that feeling multiple times coming home from trips/holidays. 2) Dumbledore reconciles with and makes it known what the right courses of action are to be, like making Sirius Black and Snape shake hands before sending them to perform - a quote y'all probably know: 'Remember, if the time should come to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy, ... remember Cedric Diggory.' 3) Then of course, something as simple as Hermione capturing the malicious news reporter and trapping her in a jar, transformed into a beetle. Hermione refrained from boasting of it while Harry and the rest came to grips with their new reality, finally letting out with the information on the train as if it were nothing but necessary work.

Like the TV series 'Stranger Things', series 2, the story could have finished there. Dumbledore had already said that through consistent effort, 'evil may be kept at bay, though never fully eradicated', and I as an audience, at least could appreciate that without the knowledge of who gets into a relationship with who, and stays - but that's life, and relationships often feel good or at least meaningful. Yesterday attested to that, for me. So I'll head outside at least once more, possibly to the gym, and try not to get problematically 'stuck' on games or anything else, or ruminate negatively. Happy Sunday.

_____________

^ -> Edit: It was a close thing, because I was both enticed into a 'quest', while chatting to a local friend I used to game together with. The purity of the day's experience suffered. I would chastise myself and the problem game some more, but you guys already know what the deal is with them. 

I did go to gym and get cardio and stretches done, but my music was too much, more so perhaps than the gym's music, and I was rattled and vulnerable to being sucked into more play-time. It was a relief to read Allan's post and review what I'd said (I signed off before spellchecking it). 

When I took up playing as a hobby, it was 2 hours of very sedate content per night, after work. I didn't know that I'd be proud enough, even after ~2 years of that as an unchanged routine, to turn it into a 'main' gaming profile there. The 'solo' profile I made this year is yet another enticement into status. How do I know? A regular profile with the same 'achievements' would mean next to nothing to me. I just thought I could polish off the same sedate content again, at a far lower and less-lengthy bar. Maybe I don't have the precise energy to spare - 4 days of it has been an eternity, and time has moved both fast and slow on numerous lengths. I hope to get stuck into a completely new book tonight. We'll see.

_____________

~ Matt

P.S. Values/ideals that have gone through my mind: Heralding reason, and pursuit of excellence (Armageddon movie speech) + differing moments that change behaviour, but not personality + using one's voice to uphold such ideas, until one is hoarse - which finally, brings me to the concern of perceiving a situation is extreme because someone is (suddenly to an individual) speaking loudly. 

Edited June 15 by wheatbiscuit

[allanjchiang]

5 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Sunday's rolled around again:

It's been a mostly beautiful morning, mostly because of a quick and simple decision not to dwell on waking up earlier, after some disturbed sleep/dreams. I did sign in for two sessions of play since yesterday's post, but to be honest, the only things I regretted were eating or trying to watch 'A Complete Unknown', the movie about Bob Dylan's fame, at the same time as playing. Even then, I found out the limit of 10-15 minutes of triple-tasking on my attention. I haven't enjoyed movies nearly as much as when I quit gaming unofficially for 2 years back in 2017, and watched several per day. That was also to catch up with the population on entertainment.

After waking, it really was just the thought of playing a downloaded music track called 'Say Yes to Life', by Gang of Youths. The singer and band work themselves up to a shout of the same title by the end of the song, and I decided to listen to some more songs - suddenly, it was a good enough time to go out and try to find and buy eggs and bread. Guess what's cooking next?

_________ 

(Harry Potter book spoiler alert!) I finished reading Harry Potter 4 (Goblet of Fire) for the second time this year. It has the best ending, but not because I think J.K. Rowling should have resurrected Voldemort at the end of the story. It's because of the feelings and emotions described that made me think of it as such. Some examples; 1) Harry wishes the Hogwarts Express's journey back home would never finish - I've had that feeling multiple times coming home from trips/holidays. 2) Dumbledore reconciles with and makes it known what the right courses of action are to be, like making Sirius Black and Snape shake hands before sending them to perform - a quote y'all probably know: 'Remember, if the time should come to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy, ... remember Cedric Diggory.' 3) Then of course, something as simple as Hermione capturing the malicious news reporter and trapping her in a jar, transformed into a beetle. Hermione refrained from boasting of it while Harry and the rest came to grips with their new reality, finally letting out with the information on the train as if it were nothing but necessary work.

Like the TV series 'Stranger Things', series 2, the story could have finished there. Dumbledore had already said that through consistent effort, 'evil may be kept at bay, though never fully eradicated', and I as an audience, at least could appreciate that without the knowledge of who gets into a relationship with who, and stays - but that's life, and relationships often feel good or at least meaningful. Yesterday attested to that, for me. So I'll head outside at least once more, possibly to the gym, and try not to get problematically 'stuck' on games or anything else, or ruminate negatively. Happy Sunday.

~ Matt

P.S. Values/ideals that have gone through my mind: Heralding reason, and pursuit of excellence (Armageddon movie speech) + differing moments that change behaviour, but not personality + using one's voice to uphold such ideas, until one is hoarse - which finally, brings me to the concern of perceiving a situation is extreme because someone is (suddenly to an individual) speaking loudly. 

Thank you for sharing your perspective on the Harry Potter book, the Goblet of Fire. I loved the Harry Potter series. I might read it again someday after I finish my current book,
"Scout Mindset" by Julia Galef.

[wheatbiscuit]

Monday morning: 

I finished watching the rest of A Complete Unknown. I paused 100 times, and closed and reopened the browser tab about 20. I did this to remind myself that it was just acting, and the feelings only concepts, no matter how the acting felt for those in it. I quite likely wouldn't have seen it through at all if my dad hadn't suggested it last week (I downloaded his first 3 albums and liked playing them at random since last Christmas-ish).

It sort of reminds me that a gaming tab/window is no more important. Last night another 'completed' profile owner sidled into the area on-screen that I was in, typed and moved nowhere for several moments, then asked me a specific question. I think he was afraid of the details, but I gave several to him anyway. Then I told him that I'd already seen a 'completed AND solo' profile here before, explaining why I was not yet impressed. He gave a screen name with a question mark, and I said 'No, actually another person!' His person/player showed up too, and next moment what I assumed was sheer comedy took place, so I said so. One went silent, the other left. 

I'm not really proud or happy with that scene, but as I said last post or so, too many hopes of a friendly environment have been dashed on this game. That was the closest I'd gotten in awhile. When it comes down to it, what I'm exchanging (or, the 'opportunity cost') in the morning for an e-session and cup of tea, is most likely an offline conversation/period of observation over a bought coffee. You wouldn't believe how many nice-looking people were out there at 8am getting coffee during this cold morning's walk. I want to be there, and feel comfortable doing so. Having something else to talk about would probably help.

_________

I've been awake, ready to be available twice in my building today, then head out a second time, hopefully - so there has been expectation and 'momentum' from that. Last night's dreams (spurning advice not to take them as meaningful) could have told me everything I needed to know, but not precisely how to use that knowledge. I fought myself and many distractions to walk calmly to the gym and continue moving steadily about for a full hour yesterday, but Jesus, it's just as difficult as giving myself over completely to 'harder and faster' pursuits of goals. What is the in between? Is there one? Whilst waiting at a crossing, I had a flashback of making a series of high fives/'high tens', slapping hands with real-life teammates/buddies for sports psych-ups/enthusiasm. Most of the time that's harmless, right, but where and when does that still happen these days? Ah.. well, good luck all.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ No serious anxiety on my new walk circuit

~ Remembering to bring my beanie out for the next time

~ Not being fooled by the movie, and its ending, into forgetting how uncomfortable watching it was (unlike other, serious problems)

~ Ably comparing activities in spare time (that's also what my long-term game has been for, passing time in a state of readiness, by the way -  sometimes when I've read books, sometimes that's when distraction has bothered me the most; just saying)

~ Saying to myself 'keep the rumination and offline gaming thoughts to a minimum/or just 'no'' If I could consistently see all kinds of unnecessary gaming as a scourge on consciousness, I'd be saying 'no' a lot more often, but it's still a journey. 

 

 

[wheatbiscuit]

mid-Wednesday: Bumping with a make-up post for missing typing here yesterday.

The worst feeling I got whilst distracted by what we know as distractions from life/real living (games) was not reading enough on how to click through content before trying to go about it as usual. That didn't work, and I was pepped up on some strong black tea and thought, 'S***, the first thing on a list I tried to do, I did wrong.' Sometime during my 14th year of age, I thought I'd grown out of signing off out of frustration, but.. today, all I could do was sit, reason with myself slowly, and bump it down to the bottom of the mental list of distractions. 

I did have a talk-therapy session yesterday, and being out walking, both there and around a few blocks for 2 hours, left me pretty tired. I guess the problem today stemmed from yesterday's going online rather than semi-doing-so and texting/calling/talking to people outside. I told one of two people including the therapist that I've tried to do people's jobs for them, or make them substantially easier/smoother at the expense of my own wellbeing. Add compulsion to stay clicking/tapping away at a game to that in most spare time, and there could be too little left over. 

_________

I started reading the book I sort of mentioned, 'Outside the Gates of Eden'. It's honest/sincerely written, and if not for some shorter and incomplete sentences cropping up more often than in Harry Potter, I'd be near-100% glad to spend all day reading it. Only, absorbing some of the new scenes and concepts has me distracted through thought about them, and I've been looking things up on my smartphone in between. 

Maybe trying to sustain things too close to absolute comfort is a problem. I finished a shower cold today - as I've done 95% of the time since age 16 - and maybe there was an actual lack of consistent warm water, but its chill was some of the most biting I've had this year. Anyway, there is a guy from high school I've caught up with a few times who has also sustained a healthy habit since around the same age - except it may include an even more solid routine, with his own problem game in the past. He said simply that if he played again, he would be afraid he'd never stop. He mentioned another mate of his (and 'almost' mine as well) who still played the same game, like me, since his teenage years. -> I know who I currently admire more, and yet I'd still rather be me and not either of those two, their more obvious successes aside.

If I have to share one realisation today (perhaps for a second time), it's that I could be clicking away on any gaming profile at all, so long as I could repeat it for about 30 minutes and memorise a different part each 'trip'. It's not so different offline/in the tangible world, but for either enjoying or simply feeling the need to explain and detail my progress of real things to other people. It's certainly taken for granted that I keep sufficient homely and personal hygiene. Why can't other important things be learned and sustained the same way? - My own answer is getting psychologically caught up in the goings-on of others. You should see the way some people poke their noses into business just to practise confidence - perhaps instead of just curiosity. I think there's often a mix-up there. 

Catch y'all soon.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ I forgot my beanie this morning, but my hooded sweater worked for the first, colder half

~ The opportunity to see yet again how unplayable a lot of aspects of games often are for me now

~ Cheers to the someone who quietly fixed the forum spam we got this week 😄 

~ Not too many people seemed to be moving about or talking outside too unhappily. I still have one very talkative new neighbour - may keep you posted on that score. He has worked hard to get here, I know/have heard so far. What's new? 😛 

 

 

[wheatbiscuit]

early Thursday morning: I definitely got my sleep hours in, but they started and finished early. Usually, I like to see the beginnings of daylight before getting up and moving. I must have been in and out of it four times between 3 and 5am, so once past 5, I basically leapt out of bed, which was an oddly positive feeling.

So, the person a couple of years older than me who I may credit with setting me on the journey of quitting games said something very basic, the second time we reconnected (the first was over a copycat server) - that the official version of the game we'd played was a 'life suck'. I'm not too much inclined to disagree, but he didn't elaborate as to why, beside pointing out that he didn't manage to 'grind' past the minimum baselines for its 'endgame'. I guess that part was going to be too much for him.

-> But he did mention and model several mature behaviours, which has had me thinking weekly about them since 2 years ago now. A) He had clearly been learning about team-forming dynamics and inclusion (though the spiritual/unproductive things he didn't quite indulge), B) He spoke in 'real time', as though there were no practical barriers between offline and online communication, without much apparent effort. C) Some time after I had lost interest in the team-building due to a few tactical errors I'd spotted and didn't want to rant about, our characters were assigned to each other in the 'danger zone', and he arrived in the same area and gave me time to type to him, but I didn't want to engage, and attempted to leave. He slowed me up, but made no extra effort to win, only to type 'your behaviour has been my displeasure'. 😄 I think he got a little caught up, but it was intriguing nonetheless. Finally, D) His two quotes, 'I've learned that persistence gets you almost everywhere', and 'Attitude is everything'. 

^ In short, many things that might make for a success story. This buddy also said that he had ideas for jobs that I could take up, but that I'd 'have to be intellectually on top of things'. Ominous, but there it was. Soon after the end of my 90 day detox, I had re-joined the official game, and we stopped talking - or rather, I had to stop ranting. Basically, I think we got the most out of each other that we could, and I've heard what suggests he's matured further, perhaps in not allowing other people's gaming methods to cause him displeasure! 

__________

I've mentioned all that as a demonstration of care, though I still couldn't quite give up on the clicking activities I've been at since last week. There is less than 25% of them remaining, and I've defied both odds and expectations. But I know it means little to most people, so read the main paragraphs with most of your interest, and I'll continue to work on good habits. See you soon,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

later Friday night:

I made a note of how to start my next post - 'Always wanting the next thing on a game - worse than the same feeling whilst offline. It is ignoring our bodies (and those of others!).'

I beat my week-goal on my problem game. I've not mentioned in one line before, why it is my problem game. It is because of the above note: there's always the next mental/psychological (because it isn't tangible) challenge, whether that is time spent repetitively or by organising and 'preparing'. 

We all know that we can set aside a book when things get too heavy or taxing. I'm talking books exclusively full of words, because it's the images that keep us staring for details (and movement? - in video games). We either understand a lone word or sentence full of them, or we don't. If not, there's always the outside world to probe in discovery. Not quite so easily, especially with one tap or click triggering a potential minute-long series of images that rewards people with the notion that they caused all such things, barely lifting a finger. 

I'm privy to that. It's been a long time since I first tried to click my character's way through a fence and exclaimed frustratedly at the screen when the game used its 'pathfinder' to take me some horribly long-winded way around it. That's the thing - it wasn't even an 'it'; it was a very basically-designed, intangible boundary to more 'scenery'. 

The exploratory days on it are pretty much over, and I know that because I haven't honed in on details much at all unless I'm in a weird state of mind, or have recently become attached to a distant outcome. 

Yes, I miss the weeks and months where I stopped thinking about playing, long enough to become consistently attached to books and conversations, nature sounds, and even those coming from other people having a good time, as I make my quiet penitence. I would count days off game-play again, but that actually makes me wonder what I've been missing out on online, in terms of conversations and other stimuli. 

I may have spent only a sum total of a few hours 'researching' how best to play that game, but it was all feverishly done, instead of fostering community even in that realm. Regular people seem to research holidays, cars and restaurants quite a bit. I always used to maintain that I didn't need any 'extras' in life, even though I was grateful for any shared with me. It's actually a little intimidating, thinking about becoming a sort of medium for life experiences on my own and with others. That's probably because I've let good brain pathways wither as I chased control and reward. 

Maybe the community on my problem game isn't or won't be dying out anytime soon. I just know that it's not working for me and my routine. Old Wheatbiscuit Senior put it to me to share an exercise schedule. He's been putting in effort elsewhere too. I don't know if I'll chill out my perceptions and thoughts again if I give up playing electronically for as much offline as I can handle, but that alone would be worth it right now. That medium for life could be my new ideal - but I'd still like a bit of planning too.

Post soon on the weekend, + good luck all.

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

Saturday morning ramble + check-in:

Nine hours of sleep, basically no dreams. I tried a lifting session yesterday evening at the local gym this time, and it went well. I've been doing a lot more walking than lifting for the past 2 weeks. One could blame chasing a gaming goal instead of maximising daily rest, then getting up to go and lift whenever I had the slightest inclination. Maybe we're all familiar with the feeling I mentioned yesterday, of leaving our bodies behind and 'going full cerebral' on a screen. It's not a prized connection, is it? Lol

Two times, already, I saw myself signing in to a game area where there would be sure to be almost no happy surprises, because I was having trouble finding suitable job ads to apply to. Now that I've pretty much resolved to hand out resumes at a few places that may not even be hiring at the moment, I saw an hour or two free, before starting the day wholly. Habit and/or 'zombie-mode' was going to kick in, and I'd surely feel more like signing in IF the bright idea to test out some new replacement sneakers that I last wore last year. So I'll give that a try.

Happy weekend all.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ I actually liked the heating in the local gym; somehow it didn't stifle but helped me sweat healthily

~ Aside from 'leaping into action' on the last morning of the gaming goal yesterday and making chaos of breakfast, it was a good day; no other real catastrophes, though the effects of compulsive play lingered

~ The weather; plenty of clear skies

~ Water in the large water bottle I was gifted last year

[wheatbiscuit]

Sunday evening:

As usual (though one of the few reasons I can think why is not feeling the same kind of happiness other Sunday-citizens were presumably enjoying), Sunday has been tough to get through. I had a concentrated bout of frustration and dread over trying to have texting conversations. I may have been a little silly, in the original sense of the word.

I've been online, having somewhat the usual cerebral experience, and didn't end up going for a 'turkey' (three gym sessions on three consecutive days). That was fine, except I spent far too much time locked into a game - 'it'/the main culprit. I can honestly say that my plans for it have stalled. The game is, as of the present moment, a joke of a journey to consider.

Maybe it was the thought of a first planned - duo - exercise session in the early morning tomorrow, or the place we've chosen to go, but I worked through an angry set of imaginings of my own making as part of a standby. I was also trying to watch an angry character (and a very mild-mannered one as well) in a movie, and may have soaked up too much energy. But I talked myself through it during pauses, and now it's time to wind down. Hopefully I won't be telling you the same thing tomorrow. I aim to be my healthy brand of cool, so things should be fine.

Good luck all,

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Blue skies

~ All grocery store stock available

~ Easy-ish cold shower water

~ Nothing outside that I perceived went much wrong

______

Notes taken: 'Gaming isn't even effective escapism', 'Too many opportune moments have I watched pass' (but how do I avoid hyper-vigilance?), and 'Do I have sufficient energy reserves to sit out unhealthy urges?' (and how might I develop more?)

Edited June 22 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Tuesday morning:

Yesterday, I went for a short jog and a moderate deadlifting session later after. Not my best, but I did hold on to/grip a decent weight for the longest time in awhile. 

I thought inwardly this morning that I could replace games with movies again (not so much TV series, as they seem to present less moral lessons and try too hard to encourage that we watch every single episode/season, but maybe one or two included). I did this before, after adapting to a new medication, and becoming done with (one of a few in my history) a copycat game. It might work for me again, because unless the movie content is significantly disturbing, it can be effective escapism, as well as evoking empathy. I tend to reserve intense criticism for when the movie (after several pauses) is finished, instead of exclaiming mid-way, 'Great directing/ad-lib/special effects!' etc. I think that's because in the past, I've latched on to details at various points, letting the rest wash over me as I think about them. I want to appreciate the work put into films constantly, but at the same time, I also don't. 

What do you guys think? I'd try to post about how they got me through the day, and what I favoured in them instead of games. 

The movie I've started today was a continuation of nostalgia-seeking, which is what my re-released problem game was initially about. I thought of the title because of a few searches and beginning-watches I went through yesterday, and was having a mindful period this morning after resting from yesterday. It seemed more than natural. 

____________

Again, that said, there's the question of in what circumstances I ought to (if ever at this juncture) be 'tougher' on myself - such as facing spontaneous chats/making requests/sweating and trying harder when exercising if someone looks my way and I want to use that as an excuse to worry/get distracted from the effort. It's just that I've already tried that approach as a teenager. Monstrosities occasionally ensued. Well, leave some input if convenient for you. Cheers.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Smell-memory in the air outside

~ Low-carb breakfasting (to 'beat jitters')

~ Been awhile since I've said it - 'not dying in my sleep'

~ A weird, compassionate-combined-with-concern dream (almost too real though - an household item brought it back to mind suddenly)

____________

Notes taken: 'What makes a person worry less and pay more attention to subtler social cues/hints as to what should actually be done for someone's needs next?', and 'Do more people really often, consciously and simply choose to be kind/unkind at rapidly-unfolding moments, rather than adopt one or the other as a sustained way of being?' 'Zen?'

[wheatbiscuit]

Thursday morning:

I missed typing yesterday, partly as I had not much planned Tuesday/Wednesday. However, I got out for some high-repetition upper-bodyweight exercise yesterday afternoon. I also finished re-watching 'Major Payne' in the evening - @Yan, he looks a bit like David Goggins; you might like him, voice-acting considered. 

I might as well give a kind of review of the movie: Someone whose father was in the military suggested it when I was a teenager. That same someone later encouraged some youth-training - anyway, whilst I didn't 'get' a lot of Major Payne's 'adult-speak' the first two watches, I picked up some this time: e.g. 'What, you think family don't break up? Ain't you ever watched Oprah?' - I didn't remember that last reference, and he spoke those words 'normally'. I don't remember having watched any Oprah yet. 😮 

^-> By the end of the movie, the main character has a vision/epiphany and there is a happy-ish ending. His character doesn't change - much. I liked the straight-forwardness of the dialogue and story (it's a 1995 movie after all, I guess), and how it stopped just shy of making me cringe. The movie also has a good opening. The principal of the school is an antique.

______________

I've been meditating for a trial work shift today. I aim not to let 2 hours of even the worst experience get me down, and will hopefully be able to exercise in company an hour or so afterward. Before that, yes, I was fooling around on my joke of a problem game. I've had a run of luck, combined with sensible 'choices' inside of it. Maybe I'll find no reason (of any twisted design of my own) to dive back in later. Good luck, everyone.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ A dream in which I did almost two-dozen, slow ab rollouts until failure, in good company - will try soon while awake!

~ Contact with a hirer, obviously

~ Surviving the relative cold temperatures

~ Harry Potter book 5 (they're not over til I'm utterly and painfully bored, I suppose)

___________
Notes space (none yet)

[wheatbiscuit]

Saturday morning:

Easy decision, coming online here to type - I missed yesterday as I had enough to think about, plus I left my new, would-be boss a message saying I'd like further training/opportunities after the first 2 hours. I've woken myself up to leave one over the phone before the business ramps up today, and will leave it at that for the weekend. Also, a lot of my energy was used up yesterday on a friends program meet up for 3 hours, and I did some repetitive game-playing that I previously deemed 'too painful' to do anymore of, but was 'necessary to progress further' in it. If y'all must know, the time has come around again to watch the last couple of weeks of my subscription dwindle. Unfortunately, my brain has already formed some plans around that in free-play, but that is incredibly boring without people who will chat with you at the same time - maybe it'll mean a proper break. -> I know that the standard advice revolves around changes being promptly made in the here and now, but since I've already come here - I'll just be thinking about the timing of more important activities in the day, as usual. Time to try and plan the weekend; good luck all.

Gratitude:

~ I double-checked why I couldn't heat my frying pan to finally see I'd knocked the plug out - fixed and cooking done

~ Even two hours of moderate working pressure made me grateful to return home, and later a healthy hour of lifting - I wonder what double or triple that would do in the same place, if it is to go well

~ I felt well enough to think of resuming a TV series just for its 80s vibes - though the scares and twists are a little weird - maybe principle says not to, but I could look at spoilers/plot summaries to assist me

~ Gratitude for gratitude (gratception)

Over and out.

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Significant late Sunday morning post:

It's 5 minutes til midday here now, but I've been awake since 4:30am from a dream-shock in the form of a TV monster (that I didn't even end up watching more of! - It was a previous creature). I'm pretty sure I actually gasped out loud, and that was my 8 hours of sleep already, so I got up. 

Now, aside from a lovely morning trip for groceries, I've basically just been online, clicking away with music. As of today, two feelings have gotten to me instead of the usual one - 1) Making my gaming profiles simply unusable/item-less/whatever, and 2) A scary feeling of dropping into sleep whilst sitting in my chair, brought on by stretching my arms above my head and leaning back. -> Maybe I should have slept 2 more hours until daybreak and that might have been good enough, or maybe I needed a second walk yesterday instead of staying sedentary from midday onward. But there's probably no denying that gazing into the screen with an active mind but dragging the rest of me behind, played its part. 

^ That's not all though. I am awaiting the official assigning of two full-length work-shifts doing washing-up and preparation to me for next week, and I want to be sure that I turn up both fit, and healthy, without preoccupations. If I don't play my problem game, and nothing upsets me, and the work turns out badly (yet I felt a certain closeness with the staff from a mere 2 hours last week, so I am hoping I can get integrated there), then I'll be able to tell what to do next.

___________

So, I'm going to take one full week away from gameplay; by the Monday after next (in 8 or 9 days), I should have both worked and processed my thoughts and feelings about it. If I integrate well, I'll start abstaining with a multi-weekly count. My next post, I intend to start with 'Week 1, Monday:' (and so on), posting what I need to. That's all for the serious score.

___________

Gratitude:
~ Finishing off maybe 2/4 of the main parts to a full-fledge ('free to pwn') game profile, with precisely 'the right amount of stress' - there was a bad moment last night when I used 30% of some points total to avoid a much-too-dangerous task. If I weren't set on abstaining for at least a week already, I would at least restrict the activities list to an absolute minimum. I'm really not even close to beating all of the game's achievements and 'bosses' - on that note, it's hard being a real-life boss; why should I care if I personally can intentionally beat one?

~ A sunny day before four days of forecast rain

~ Wholegrain crackers with nuts

~ The only pain this Sunday has caused me so far, is finding out after 2 hours awake that a break from my game is pretty much non-negotiable. Giving this next workplace an honest try and keeping friends and family in the loop about things at this time of year is a high priority.

Well, that's all - and I know it'll be hard, but happy weekend everyone, and good luck.

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Week 1, Monday:

So of course, I slept well because the plan not to sign into games this week was front of mind. Then, I made several small conscious decisions, like keeping the lights off until I was naturally awake. Fine, but then some sounds, and remembering my dad's recent solution to a skewed toilet seat being 'push it back', simply set me off into a rumination trip. I almost can't help it, that it's so natural for me to rapidly thought-hop as I go about my (morning and other) routines. Online gaming was 'enforced focus' from day 1 of discovery, and it somewhat addressed that - I'd include my original gameboy games, but they were gifts from my parents that I happened to get hooked on (Pokemon), plus back then I was a bit more forceful with objects and would shut those games off sharply when I thought I had to. I discovered my truly addictive game in a moment of boredom when its music emitted from my brother's room, and it was almost 'game over' for real world pursuits at that point. But I didn't want to come on here just to complain a load about the past, only because of a few facts of today's matters: -> Mindfulness (win), rumination (forfeit, or loss), the outdoor world (neutral as of yet).

I may update my posts, but during my detox I often didn't unless I was already considering gameplay, and felt that things just didn't matter enough while away from them. Also, edits don't bump - is it foolish to suggest partial bumps in forum mechanics? I'm just after some momentum that won't land me in water that is too hot.

Gratitude

~ This is really difficult right now, but I guess I progressed in the form of both new and old book-reading for a few hours yesterday

~ Some heavy metal played during the final fix of my game

~ Partial understanding of when people have had 'proper' moments of livelihood (like letting doors shut in a certain fashion but footsteps casual)
~ Actually gazing at my unwashed dishes and positive regard for them

Peace,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Week 1, Monday:

There were a couple of choices open to me by late-morning, and I chose the short-term satieties. But I felt discouraged from not reaching my father in the moment - he has a partner (not my mother, if y'all could tell) who may have made it easier to be offline and more or less unreachable today. I don't blame anyone except the (even bigger) man upstairs, or rather, my own imagination. I'm not even angry or disappointed, just weary. I'll probably have to remind the hiring staff to register my proposed shifts before the days actually arrive, and Dad even pointed that out, but all I read/heard in his meagre text was 'I guessed the day and your meaning wrong, and you should be punished for my mistake' (old trauma). I did what was necessary, but I'm always going to know that the offline world is worth more. I just need to understand and be understood.

See you tomorrow, as it's already darkening up for a few days of rain - and I'm tired from my own expenditures. Don't black out could be today's advice to anyone self-punishing. Don't worry as I do; it's unhealthy.

Peace,

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Thursday, July 3 - 

I suppose Friday is a big day for some of you, I dunno. In case I'm not at my computer then, have a good time!

There was a primordial misunderstanding of whereabouts between my Dad and I yesterday, and if I couldn't fathom any better description of the problem that may exist only between the two of us, I'd say that my determination to be calm made him even more flustered for travelling extra on foot and locating me. I, on the other hand, was ready to slowly walk home, meetup or no meetup. Perhaps all of this had already crossed his mind before he crossed the street, spotting me before the reverse - but as I say, I was hardly trying much. All of my usual mental defences/walls went up for the next 24 hours, and in the meantime, I completed a long game quest under circumstances that I hadn't touched in nine years, I was constantly wishing that all of the misunderstanding(s) between us never happened, and that we could be truly good friends. Sometimes in these moments, I think of profound phrases that might support strong clarity and boundaries, but I rarely get a chance/feel low enough to utter them. I just gave one a try as a text message, and since I intend to refuse (as long as I have the capacity to do so) to have text message standoffs on a phone. They just don't work, from what I've seen.

So as of today I feel pretty knowledgeable in how the gaming profile - that I've played the most of since January - would be like for future 'quests/grinds'. I will be properly happy if I can steer clear effectively of the choice of anger for the longer-term, spanning most of my daily experiences. Over the last day, I simply gave hurtful feelings no breathing room, and planted a resolute smile on my face. It sucked, but it worked for awhile. As a closer look, I'll share one repeated inner statement - 'I will not accept any further challenges from you.' Obviously, that was just for this morning, in practice - but I could simply add 'right now' for the future. I've thought ahead to tomorrow morning regarding gaming, and should now try to put effort into remembering other various concerns over my next few hot drinks.

That's all for now. Cheers.

~ Matt

Gratitude:
~ Stopping and thinking clearly a few times at gameplay, and making the journey slow and smooth

~ Mike Oldfield music in the background, and music favourites whilst out walking

~ A good tone set with my would-be boss, though the kitchen found a full-time candidate before my part-time

~ Earphones worked underneath beanie

[wheatbiscuit]

Early Saturday morning:

Yes, as soon as both of my music and my regular game are on, I am basically shutting out reality - or at least, the reality/gravity of what bothers/moves me. It's also doubly hard when what I type/text thoroughly is almost completely ignored, in the case of my explanations of negative feelings to people I care about. After 80% of my text message to my Dad was done, I said that I hoped he felt better after our failed meet-up as well. It was either the easy option, or scarier still, the natural option, for him to say 'I'm fine, I'm just this way, and thanks'. Aside from the potentially obvious (making sure the next tone set would be all about him, overlooking my description of misunderstandings of the kind being 'exquisitely painful since forever'). I've forgotten how to finish that last sentence re: grammar, but I don't want to choose anger. Perhaps I'm understanding that in the absence of immediate danger, 'reality' just doesn't set in for many people I know, despite claims to being 'usually factually correct', or calm as a cucumber. Big deal, right? 😆

When I read some posts here that help me to see the bigger picture for our society/world, I feel better. I can see outside of myself on a few occasions each day, but maybe just to support a worldview, years ago I started maintaining to myself that the most meaning in life is derived from strong connections to living beings/things, going as far as saying 'the' meaning. It's been mostly healthier than constant conflict, but when I've felt cornered increasingly (which is an unreasonable goal for too many people a situation to impose on others), the available flight response seems a lot less so. More recently, I've been trying to relate better to myself, but that, on the other hand, seems less revolutionary when I learn of most people trying to do the same. Is that the new definition of success, as unhappy world news is more prominent? I would guard against associating contentment with one's self to attempts at measuring success that way. 

I am sorry, but I had to work at this post as I clicked over a small game scene; otherwise, it would be less honest and more of a show of a shadow of honesty. I used to say it was for everyone's benefit, but perhaps it's been reality-avoidance. On that note, I want to simply make light of the twice-repeated notion that people not paying attention (impossibly) to my father's perceptions of reality and thoughts are in fact, ignoring reality by choosing to wear earphones during travel - if I were seeing through a protective lens of anti-narcissism, as I often am. Again, I am trying for humour instead of anger.

Well, that's all. Thanks everyone.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Waking up before dawn but feeling like I actually got as much sleep as possible

~ A gym visit yesterday that happened despite a nervous moment, being with a new peer

~ Easy bathroom visits

~ Some living space cleaning

[wheatbiscuit]

Saturday evening:

Not long ago, I read a news piece about a recurring subject of 'men being 'in trouble/left behind''. One thing the contributor tried to communicate was 'When you start blaming others for your problems, that's when you've 'lost the script''. However, he lost points with me for tangentially suggesting a requirement that each person (man) be able to justify their existence.

I've started off now too sincerely, so the angry tool in my toolbox was glowing up at me - anyway, as an addict might do, I did want to espouse one benefit of the re-release of the childhood game of mine that I'm still giving time over to, and say that it enabled reflection and analysis, enough that I started questioning things and people around me. This is significant because I found myself momentarily in front of my mother, in some deep yet casual conversation. I don't remember what I was saying, but I distinctly remember her asking me back, "You mean, I should stop thinking that the world revolves around me?"

I was 19 or 20, yet I was horrified at this, after the months of online reading into the NPD that I supposedly had/was branded with by my ex. Aside from all of the nonsense my Dad spouted over the years, I thought inwardly, 'These people/this person was trusted to raise me into a societally responsible being?' Thus, the finger(s) of blame.

___________

Two other people that I've never met, who surely would have been at odds with their main respective lines on life, nevertheless shared (somewhat) a view of eternal responsibility - that is, holding ourselves accountable for all deeds since birth, and perhaps even in previous lives. I won't go further into that today. One of these individuals clearly hoped that his relevant work would prompt a dramatic turnaround in many people's lives, by the explanation of a person 'choosing the easy option' their 'entire' life''. He valued intelligence, and intelligence sometimes suggests that saving effort could be a better decision, at times. Anyway, perhaps he simply meant 'from a young age', or the realisation of consciousness that comes anywhere between the ages of 1 and 6, I guess. It probably ties in with learning speech. 

Me, I don't think that I had many problems until the family relocated overseas. This is a matter of positive or negative choices of reframing, but if I had to play both sides, I'd say that I felt both encouragingly challenged and yet coerced to follow around at the airport. Yes, I remembered such a scene and emotion clearly from anywhere from ages 3 to 7. Again, with the condition(s) I believe I was born with, I might now try to point blame, but I still don't know what good that would do, unless it consolidated what friendships I have within the family somehow, in conversation.

___________

Like I said this week, I rarely feel low/prompted enough to get these things out face to face with people, and maybe I use torturous workouts and gaming sessions, or even abstinence to get myself there. What's important to me is that I know what to work with in the future and what not to. In the meantime, I choose not to repeat mistakes in day/routine-planning, like going out at night with a poor mental state. Alas, it is a Saturday night, but this has been stimulating enough. I had an hour of sleep in the afternoon, so maybe I'll have the same bedtime as most people tonight (9-10pm to 6-7am). It helps for me to feel in sync in some ways at least with many others. The rest of my family, I don't know.

Peace guys,

~ Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

Sunday:

Not a lot of problems presented themselves today; maybe as I woke up right before 6am again, focused and refreshed. There still wasn't any complete avoidance of discomfort, even clicking on imaginary trees and wood onscreen, throughout. I pushed myself outside a second time with summer clothing on, a little tightly-fitted but I said 'screw any external perceptions of the choice' and walked well for ~45 minutes. Now I am a little pepped up on a second cocoa - maybe I'll pay again for that, maybe I won't. Just glad it went okay and better than many Sundays past. Maybe it's because I spent most of the day feeling sorry for people I didn't know - who couldn't/don't directly wreck things for me - on documentaries.

It wasn't all about long-term health though, perhaps; I had something like excuses for not asserting myself where it might have brought me peace/pleasure (I don't think they should mix too often here), as that may be destiny. I tell myself I'm being realistic and practical rather than reacting instinctively with a lot of guesswork. 

Gratitude:
~ Good weather mostly, and not getting full rain-pour on the morning walk

~ Trip outside #2 instead of napping and feeling restless before proper sleep later, like yesterday

~ Feeling in better tune with surroundings rather than shutting them out

~ The righteous sin of opportunity-consideration on game profiles

I don't know what my mind will present me overnight without forcing anything, but I wish all of you guys good luck.

~ Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Monday midday:

The last two times I caught the flu, in 2022 and 2023, I actually read Stephen King's 'The Stand' those two weeks - a fiction novel about a 99% deadly super flu. No one actually said it, but I surmised that at least a few thought that was madness or torture to do. I however, found it peaceful, knowing that a writer could come up with and sustain a story like that, during ill health or otherwise on their own. Somehow, if the flu had finished me off, I would have had all of those endearing fictional characters in mind, and consequently may not have minded; I was already sick and either destined to recover or not recover. I did get better though, and the first two gym workouts and walks after it were like the first breath of life.

Basically, a lot of things, even health, could be said to involve doing things that could be considered madness. I've got Harry Potter 5 still 1/3 read (and there are very few surprises now), as well as 'Outside the Gates of Eden', which to me has been honest but shallow/not poetic enough. 'The Stand' was fantastic, not only for its story and characters, but also because I had my Dad's hard-cover copy both times. I imagined he or my mum holding and reading it in other hours of solitude. Now I know I could probably buy my own paperback copy after a 15-20 minute walk, and try to 'level up' on that book and re-live at least one year when all I wanted to do was be healthy again, but would it liven me up for another week and keep me away from games? (I didn't have the heart to pursue any goals except reading/eating/texting at the time).

Did I give up games at a time when a copycat version and a former ally let me down on numerous counts, or did I simply sense madness setting in? Again, now I've come to it this past year or two, a lot of things have seemed mad - traffic, hostility, repetition, and my own regular experience of my condition. I did just finish watching 'Planet of the Humans' on YouTube - Jeff Gibbs - and his closing line was 'if we don't get ourselves under control', then.. *cue devastating ten-minute scene*. What I find when reading 'the right book', like The Stand was, thrice, is about 3x as many things and plans are considered in my mind, all behind the double-safety of a cluster of pages. Yes, whenever there is senseless loss detailed on those pages, I've put them aside for a few moments and demanded of thin air that 'the story' be 'less f'ed up', but I forgive it eventually. I think that could be an important ritual, finding mental limits safely in such a manner.

There's nothing quite like looking at a person I don't know, and finding that I accept the data of their appearance as openly and readily as a cautionary or even visionary tale. What matters is that I feel calm when that happens. Too much of my favourite game runs on chance, and while the psychological translation of that in the offline world can mean acceptance of deviation from the usual phrases and movements in conversation (at the gym, say), you could say that I still find that a little bit mad. I flatter myself that I've tried being a robot, and has sometimes worked in my case. 

Maybe it depends on what I ought to be mindful for - because I've come to really dislike forgetting why I've done certain things, such that it's like a value to uphold as much as possible in individual life. I may need the right words from a book or a calm speaker, but madness is like being unable to ever choose between familiarity and upsetting new information: wanting both, at the same time, always. 'The Stand' almost delivered each of them, with its characters versus their particular story. But finding those books/people is the hard work that, for some reason, it's like I'm meeting resistance in the search. The flow of reading and planning seems to be elusive. Planning is becoming almost non-negotiable, like fairness or kindness at the moment. Today, I compromised between jogging alone/asking my Dad to join me, after our miscommunication last week, and walking - a 90 minute walk with 60% music. But finding the joy of the world turning beneath my feet and pacing quickly and steadily over it on a jog, I didn't end up experiencing. It has flow-on effects, if at the same time life tolerates you as a whole person. 😄 

Lots to think about, but at the same time, things are moving along anyway. Peace,

~ Matt

Gratitude:
~ Sweating in warm winter weather

~ Really enjoying the music playlist I spent 2 hours adding to, one night, months ago 
~ A friendly dog and happy parents with children
~ Recognising when I could be about to trap/trip myself up in an activity

[wheatbiscuit]

Tuesday morning:

A lot of people have said that multi-tasking doesn't work or exist. It seemed possible as a young person because the only requirement to get by/through school etc. was reacting (in most cases) or responding (the rest) in a semi-complicit way, as we did what we felt we needed to do to stay happy. My last response on the forum was the first thing I did today, so it was easy to focus on. Then, I worried too much about how an early-morning workout would go, and did a walking circuit instead - putting it off until lunch, when it's less crowded and I might be more awake. To fill the time between then and the end of my walk, I have a series of calls to make, and the option to semi-enjoy some time on the game. 

Last night, I was reading Quora, and found a lovely answer, and then the person's profile. I formed a mental picture of their motivations, and one was something like I imagine our Yan's to include; trying hard, seizing opportunities, and admiring the same in others. The only con I thought of was chasing too many trends, perhaps in order to meet people and stay popular/relevant. Other criteria were also met. Anyway, it seemed like when those few things are partaken in, with responsibility, a person is well on their way through to adulthood. 

I've done a lot of things in life out of order - properly, but rearranged. I've been saying to myself sometimes that I simply understood situations faster than others and thus was free to make my own choices. But, if it came to responsibly leading a group through a task, could I stand up and follow standard procedure, while motivating each person to the best of my ability, when put on the spot? A lot of situations seem to call for that (whether or not on me), but usually most involved are able to dust themselves off and plod further along. That's nature, but is it responsible? My 'solo' game profile was like an attempt at playing my problem game 'responsibly' if that, like multi-tasking, is even possible. Because re-reading novels and information is good for me, but doesn't make me feel like I can manage real problems any better, when initiative has to be taken/is called for. I still relied upon patience and timing during my detox, to act, and a lot of chance is involved there too. I just don't want to burn out for no reason trying to be responsible. Is that a chance that always has to be taken, with trust in everyone else to do the same?

I imagined the Quora person scheduling and organising things like those I wrote down for myself to carry out today, without a moment's hesitation, yet understanding any delays. Then, I would have to calm myself and clean and tidy up, or failing that, bother more people and risk mania, or something. That's a concern too. There's all of that, and then there's balance, which actually sometimes feels meaningless - always unfailingly checking one's gut before any momentum can be built.

Well, I'll let you know after. Peace guys,

Edit: I am proud of myself for getting to the gym and back with no problems, even though I didn't lift much (but decent stretches), and I fixed 2 out of 4 phone calls - but the other 2, I'm hoping for some more processes first. It was just good to do what I said/planned I'd do, and not actively surrendering as I go online to play, view or type. I'll try to do more of that. 

Edit 2: I think a miraculous mix of internal and external events have occurred - I actually don't want to engage with that game anymore. I've done it all; I'm all set to click on nothing. One of my health supports called me right after finished giving a last miniature game event (that I thought 'too annyoing') a try. I immediately told her (how I was going) that it was 'nothing heavy' (the truth, close enough) and received the reply that enjoying playing it was OK as long as it wasn't too much time. My time spent would be up in the top quadrant for sure, and the relief that came with the guilt just now was enormous. Like, we covered everything and listened to each other, all in ten minutes! Don't stop posting, guys. 🫡

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Braved the deliberate choice to safely walk at peak travel time, with earphone music, and only one or two 'near-misses'

~ A return to drinking a cup of tea first, instead of cocoa

~ An exploratory-only trip to the library, reminding me instead to be happy with the books I've already got to read

~ General clarity

Edited yesterday at 05:46 AM by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Wednesday morning, day 1:

I spent the rest of yesterday reading. Now, I've had a solid sleep. But I think there's a problem, without the promise of any kind of genuine play (offline or online) - things like jogging and lifting, where I've tried almost everything, don't really count. They're productive. I simply forgot everything that was on my mind (except the lingering feeling of relief/guilt I last mentioned re: gaming), and seem to be left with only (the choice of) anger at things that, with my current routine and strategies, probably won't be solved. -> Things like sleeping for more than ten hours (probably medication soothing into that), relationships that won't progress because of a lack of willpower/social energy reserves.

Edit: I apologize; I pleaded for more posts, you delivered, and I stayed grouchy too long - maybe it was delaying bed-making. 

Another thing about my game was that no one was forced to do anything (only strongly compelled/psychologically lured). I lasted 2-3 years on it before I fell in love with an image of my character with an achievement, and thought about (then went ahead with 😞 one, and then more months spent doing the exact same thing in almost all of my spare time). Before yesterday, that was going to be 2 weeks obsessively and then 1 or 2 more months semi-obsessively. And the compulsion is barely there; it's just habit. The worst/best part was choosing content that made me think little to nothing about those parts of the game, making the whole ordeal mindlessly addictive, while still letting me progress with homework and sport. There hasn't been a lot to look forward to after I finished my 2023 90 day detox, unlike 2022 when I was 'studying' my hobbies, and could reminisce with the other students, then have enough on my mind to go and blow off steam on the game. The homework made me worry then, and if I felt I could have done all of it immediately, and have no study for the remaining 3/4 of the semester, I would have, but for social/relationship/life problems that I wanted to self-soothe about. We just can't have it all, can we? Is it fate for everyone to do/say a bunch of things carelessly, and then have to apologise when someone having a not-as-good-day pulls us up on them? Maybe when we're all forced together. Over. 

Edit 2: I haven't gone and huffily deleted the game launcher on my computer yet, and all I had to do was stare at it for 10 seconds, picture the recent activities and again feel the previous days slide by to turn away, and own up to that here. I've been walking, after getting texts (some of them one-sided) from my Dad, about 'dropping some things off' to me, as if I knew I would benefit from that, and went the whole walk without checking my phone - which was good, because all I missed was a fake compromise and self-thumbs-upping. Well, I expect a visit anyway, because I said 'sure, this afternoon', unless I say/make it a no-go. Hopefully my non-care at the vagueness and convenience of it for him isn't a problem.

Something @WilderDaze said earlier about online and offline personality, I let bother me while in the bathroom. Before I go there, it's interesting, the mere fact that I could be bothered by such a euphoric and growth-detailed post. It's like from the moment I realised there were rules in life, often repeated by family, I kept feelers out for 'hackneyed' narratives, and allowed myself to turn away or cringe, instead of try to work toward genuine agreement. I get the same deal, if I'm honest, when communicating, we say 'yeah' instead of 'yes' - one implying 'time to relax, in agreement', and the other, 'yes, I agree, but this is largely not a finished product/deal, yet'.

^-> Back to point, for sure, I stopped/toned down this disagreeable personality in order to fit in online. At the same time, constant conflict/dissatisfaction is incredibly tiring - but it's what makes me excited to 'tackle' a new day. I fancy I've seen, and even lived two extremes of timidity and the fully oppositional, so that I might be able to resume grinding away at real life, and settle for stability. It's just that, what with jumping-up-and-down outright accusations of personality-failure ('toxic/narcissistic/avoidant') at so many turns, I am derailed into rumination when there's actually nothing specifically relevant to my life. That's what I've been making (or trying to make) progress with upstairs as I do regular things. But allow myself to be 'that guy' who advocates straight-forward solutions again, and offline instead of online? Double-tough. I've seen what it has done to a few family members, and it's hard to see it as worthwhile. But if our communities and news outlets even slightly benefit.. well, maybe.

Day 1 Gratitude:
~ The peace of mind that comes (and somewhat lasts) from not getting up early to fit in gameplay

~ Seeming recognising facial expressions that say 'this doesn't matter to me' and relishing my still-available choice to treat a scene differently

~ Reading and re-reading for more details

~ Water

Peace,

~ Matt

Edited 17 hours ago by wheatbiscuit