Ameissen

Yes! Wishing you well Allan 🙂

Brief note: recovering well. Hoorah for cold showers. It really helped. Just 5 minutes. It made me alert and feel more alive.

Ah yes. There it is. The fractured foot -- loneliness, you mentioned having felt like relapsing. Makes total sense. Have friends you can call up? Like, for hours, enjoying long conversations. If not one friend in a deep convo (which is the most satisfying in my opinion), then across multiple friends. If not, consider a (respected) app where you phone call a random stranger. I've done that before during COVID, talked to like 30+ people, it was a lot of fun.

Notice that if you feel like relapsing, you need to address it. Don't let it go by. Fully re-commit and re-understand why you're doing this. For your life. Connect with what that better life feels like that transcends what any addiction could offer you. It does not compare. For real. Journal about this, meditate on any potential urges, do address it. Like a weed you need to pluck it so that you feel clean and fresh in your mind and body from compulsive thoughts and feelings.

Well, that was a real bummer. I had about a week of poor sleep due to unlucky circumstances, like mosquitoes getting in my bedroom at night, which I've now fixed. But I could not keep up with it all, and I crashed. I binged a couple days on games, porn, videos, some sugar. But I got back up. It does suck I have less energy from the crash now, and need time to recover, but I'm glad I got back up. I'm receiving help from others, asking for help when I need it. I'll be meditating and engaging in more of my spiritual practices today to call upon more of my strength and wisdom to overcome this whole process of the crash with grace. I'm happy to reaffirm that yes, all our efforts here are totally worth it. It is worth it to recover and stay sober, so to speak. You get more vibrancy in life that way. It's nice to heal.

It's been a couple weeks since I've updated here. But for good reason. Instead of watching videos about gaming and porn addiction recovery, I've been helping out people on various gaming and porn addiction forums, just offering whatever it seems like the person is looking for in their recovery journey. It's been fulfilling and has helped me out too. I am wondering where this path will lead as it continues to evolve. I'm glad.

Oh man, Matthew, so relatable. Especially on the point of being in the third year of the program and barely being able to code on your own. I studied neuroscience but I still felt the same away about skills related to my profession. You're on the right path by being here. This issues you say are related to gaming are, absolutely 100%, related to gaming, and they will get immensely easier as you stop gaming. Even challenges will feel easier, easier in the sense that it is easier to pick up a 20 pound weight when you have muscle, but you can still feel the good workout. For many people they are energetically blocked -- mental and emotional trauma, stuff they never got around to addressing that happened in their lives -- and this fuels their addictive cycle. Any way of moving that energy, such as through therapy and working out and being outside in nature and being in good company, are all helpful and necessary. But fundamentally, as you continually summon the strength to overcome your urges to game, your life will improve. If you happen to go a month without gaming -- and, crucially, no other excessive dopaminergic activity like porn or deep doomscrolling or watching YouTube through the night or binging on a ton of sugar -- you will feel way, way better. You would feel transformed. I speak from direct experience. I underestimated just how dramatic the change was. It was better than I thought, because I was addicted for so long I just couldn't imagine what real happiness would be like. It is a whole cycle. Keep your eye on the prize: allow your dopamine to recover. Reduce or eliminate excessive stimulation. Replace those voids with what feels nourishing and life-affirming. Things that remind you that you want to live, and not passively die to the slow, poisonous suicide of addiction. If it does not kill you, it will kill your dreams day after day. You do not want that. Get out. As soon as you can. I speak from my heart to you. You can absolutely stop. You want to stop. What you're observing is absolutely correct. If nothing else in your life changes, but you do stop gaming for at least a month, you will start to see glimmers of the life you can actually get to live. It can be as good as any description of heaven you have ever read. Good job, Matthew, for being here. Watch this video by Cam if you haven't yet. It's one of his best:

Great job, Hosser. My instinct is to suggest that when you feel tired of the mentally challenging stuff for the day, consider whether even following a drawing tutorial is also mentally taxing at all -- and if so, consider simply drawing in concordance with your feelings, your physical body, letting your mind rest. Let it be a free, happy activity, with your own rules or lack of rules. That could also help with your boredom and youtube scrolling, since it would more precisely address what your system is looking for. Incorporate mental activity into the task only as it feels natural, and flows organically into the process, even if the thoughts are negative or chaotic -- let it be refuge for yourself, where all is safe and good.

I did! If you're ever interested, I went to Zen Mountain Monastery. They have a one-month residency program; you can stay as long as you like, and pay whatever you can. (They just hope it's more than $30, but if that's all you got, that's okay.) They're known for being one of the most disciplined monasteries with the strongest training programs. It was good for me. There are other monasteries too, depending on where you live, such as in California. This one is in New York. If you decide to go, they vary their schedules each season, with the spring and fall being more intense (you wake up earlier, like as early as 3:55am) than the summer and winter. If I were to do it again I would go in the summer or winter when you can sleep a little more. I went in March. But at the same time, I did really benefit, even from the more intense spring season. I just like my sleep haha. But either way, you manage. It's fun and interesting, as well as life-changing. What's most important is you go when you're ready, and when you want to get help from very kind people who will assist you in changing your life for the better. Here is more information: https://zmm.org/zmm/about-zmm-residency/

Heck yeah, Allan. Great job. So much good here. Focusing on a single activity that is wholesome like violin playing for over an hour -- and I have found 90 minutes to be a magical sweet-spot for a period of focus that also leaves you feeling replenished -- is great recovery. You're allowing yourself the length of time needed to get into a flow state, which is innately rewarding and is what many people report as being the happiest experiences of their lives. Keep that up, I root for you there. As you note, too, it is very rewarding. I would definitely recommend avoid anything gaming related, such as watching gameplay videos or listening to video game music. You'll feel tortured by thoughts of gaming -- whether they are new imaginations, or memories of the past. Ultimately you want to be free of gaming in your behavior -and- your thoughts. You want to be present with what you're doing in your life this very moment, which is where all the richness of life is. When you go to think about other things, you'll want your thoughts to be supportive -- not a struggle against things you no longer want to do because they cause you pain and unhappiness even in moderation. Part of that pain is simply because they can stick in your thoughts, causing you to feel out of the moment even when you're doing something else -- which is an unhappy, not-so-rich place to be. So yes, I would encourage you move on from watching gaming videos of any sort even for the music. Luckily, there is a lot of very good music to discover. I've enjoyed simpler ambient music that touches on my fantastical side through creators such as this one: https://www.youtube.com/@LegendsOfFantasia/videos. Even better for you right now may be something that altogether does not remind you of anything gaming related, but still nourishes you with good sound. It'll take some time to discover that, but it will be refuge, and bring you great joy and peace. And yes -- your willpower is part of your overall energy, and you do not want to exhaust yourself. You need your wits about you as you go along this recovery journey. Minimizing what causes you to struggle will help your overall energy levels. You'll be able to use that energy to build the things in your life you do want. You'll craft yourself into your much happier life sooner that way.

Good job Allan. Good work at all you've done to build your life outside of games. The anxiety and stress and boredom you feel will pass as you have more time away from games. Your brain needs time to recover, especially its dopamine. It will get subtly easier every day. After two weeks it will be quite a bit deal easier; after a month, even easier, and after many months, this stress and anxiety is more of a rare but manageable occurrence. Your activities will become innately fulfilling and joyful. And good job noticing where you used games disguised as something else, or game-like technology. Just find your way back. Forgive yourself and move on, so that you can focus on the good life you are building, which is ultimately the whole point. 🙂

First of all, I hope you continue to get healing from your mental trauma if you need it. That sucks. It's very common to replace an addiction with another risky behavior such as a sport where if you mess up you could get really hurt. It has to do with dopamine -- your system is used to experiencing that thrill, in this case there is a thrill of avoiding the great harm you could experience in highly competitive football or rock climbing. Yes, I can attest to this through my experience, you will have an easier time in your recovery -- and a happier life -- to choose exciting but less dangerous activities as your replacement hobbies. You want to let your body be able to find its rhythm in natural excitement and natural rest. Once you get into that rhythm, it feels fantastic. Taking some risks and having adventures is so great to do, but you'll want to do those mindfully in the context of stable recovery. That is my experience and opinion. And you may find that once you get your system balanced, and the risks you take are more measured, your experience with failure will improve. Above all, know for yourself what it feels like to be genuinely happy, genuinely at peace, genuinely fulfilled, and genuinely cared for by yourself -- not wanting your life to be shortened by injury, but instead wanting to be healthy and savor your awesome life. And when you know that for yourself, use that as your north star for any decision you make. That will balance your sense of whether a particular risk is worth it, since it is coming out of a clear love for your life. That is my highest recommendation.

Another update: Yes, more goodness. A couple days ago, a dream came about featuring desires I've had in the past. Acknowledged them, moving on from it. Continuing to rededicate myself to my vows, and to my health. Andrew

Brief check-in -- Things continue to be good. Needing rest. Going slower today. Happy. Andrew

Great job Earth. Yes, that "one video can't hurt" thought is a lie as you recognized. Good job navigating into doing something else. This all gets easier as time goes on, though never let your guard down. Better, just keep being proactive, posting on here and educating yourself with something to inspire you to continue your 90 days of no social media everyday. That is what I'd recommend, as it is what I've found is especially helpful after over a decade of addiction recovery efforts. I'm glad you're enjoying Atomic Habits. Reading is quite awesome. Your social skills will improve further as your dopamine recovers, and so will the pleasure and love you feel for reading increase as you progress on this recovery path. Andrew