Thriving - A Journal

[FDRx7]

19 hours ago, Vee said:

I also finished reading a book over the weekend, the first book I've finished since April. In my early 20s I was reading 20-30 books a year, now it's closer to 5.

Ugh, I feel this so much... I really stopped reading so much when YouTube and video games (more of an issue when I was younger) came into my life. I'm ashamed of how few books I've read this year but I'm changing that now. 

 

19 hours ago, Vee said:

I BEAT MY PERSONAL BEST FOR 5K! I beat it by a whole minute. I am so damn proud of myself.

Nice job!!

 

19 hours ago, Vee said:

I would also like to get back to short stories, maybe 2-4 a month. Alongside my novel, that might be less plausible.

 

Just want to mention some of the best stories I've ever read were short stories. Fully endorse those.

 

And I see you adopted the ratings scale, very cool! I really like you how delineated what each level means. I feel I should probably do that as mine is kind of subjective right now. While this works, it might better if I have a rough definition of the scale written down, rather than in my head. Nice work!

[Vee]

18 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Thanks for liking my post 🙂 Nice in depth journal. Very organized even with a cool visual star rating. Sorry if you already talking about this a lost but what're you reading?

That's also very interesting practice to grow your comfort zone by spending 30m outside of it. Is there something specific you're wanting to get comfortable with or is it just like, you know it's a use it or lose it situation and the goal is to keep the comfort zone growing just to grow it? Like how people save money just to save it. <---definitely my mentality.

Dang that's impressive the novels going well and props on the 5k speed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks - I stole the star rating idea from @FDRx7!

There isn't anything specific I want to work towards, but because I've always struggled with leaving the house I know it's affect my health, functioning and capacity for fun. If it feels like there are multiple obstacles to something, I'm far less likely to engage with it. E.g. going to an aerial fitness class is scary by itself, but made more difficult by the nearest one being two bus rides away.

5 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

Just want to mention some of the best stories I've ever read were short stories. Fully endorse those.

And I see you adopted the ratings scale, very cool! I really like you how delineated what each level means. I feel I should probably do that as mine is kind of subjective right now. While this works, it might better if I have a rough definition of the scale written down, rather than in my head. Nice work!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks! I felt like I needed to define the ratings, as my focus areas aren't clear cut. I also wanted to have 5/5 be aspirational rather than a goal I'm supposed to hit. It isn't plausible right now for me to get 5/5 on any of them daily, but it helps me remember it is possible, and to aim for that occasionally.

Re short stories: they definitely come more naturally to me than longer pieces! I want to submit my good ones to magazines, but I keep putting it off.

Today

It's now 16 days of not gaming!

I did a decent amount of writing today, but I spent a lot of today just angsting about volunteering. I spent the two hours before it just lying down in bed. But the volunteering session was good! It was basically a drama/social club for people with learning disabilities, and I chatted a bit to them, although I didn't feel very useful. I'm going to go there weekly now, and possibly look at the other clubs they do.

I think having herbal tea last night helped me get to sleep quicker, so I'm going to continue doing that.

Writing: ★★★★☆

Wrote about 1700 words. Not sure I'm happy with what I wrote, but I keep reminding myself it's just a first draft.

Eating: ★★★★☆

Ate three meals, although the timing was pretty random - 10am, 4pm, 9.30pm. I'm not keen on eating this late, but the volunteering time was awkward.

Leaving the house: ★★★★★

Volunteering for the first time (for this charity) was definitely out of my comfort zone! If I was retroactively scoring myself, the last time I pushed myself out of my comfort zone would be over two weeks ago (went to a comedy gig in another town, mostly with people I didn't know). 

Tomorrow

I am curious whether I can beat my 5K time again, so I definitely want to go for a jog as it will be a bit cooler tomorrow. I also have my writing group call tomorrow and I think I'll actually share something this time. Otherwise, I don't want to push myself too much to do anything.

Edited October 3, 2023 by Vee

[FDRx7]

On 10/3/2023 at 5:06 PM, Vee said:

Thanks! I felt like I needed to define the ratings, as my focus areas aren't clear cut. I also wanted to have 5/5 be aspirational rather than a goal I'm supposed to hit. It isn't plausible right now for me to get 5/5 on any of them daily, but it helps me remember it is possible, and to aim for that occasionally.

I had been thinking this over for a while trying to determine what a 5 means for me and, I think it means "on track." Essentially, was the behavior more or less what I want to see from myself long term. I do like your idea of aspirational as a stretch goal!

Also, nice job on volunteering and making such a big leap outside of your comfort zone!

Edited October 5, 2023 by FDRx7

[TheNewMe2.0]

On 10/3/2023 at 5:06 PM, Vee said:

Thanks - I stole the star rating idea from @FDRx7!

There isn't anything specific I want to work towards, but because I've always struggled with leaving the house I know it's affect my health, functioning and capacity for fun. If it feels like there are multiple obstacles to something, I'm far less likely to engage with it. E.g. going to an aerial fitness class is scary by itself, but made more difficult by the nearest one being two bus rides away.

Thanks! I felt like I needed to define the ratings, as my focus areas aren't clear cut. I also wanted to have 5/5 be aspirational rather than a goal I'm supposed to hit. It isn't plausible right now for me to get 5/5 on any of them daily, but it helps me remember it is possible, and to aim for that occasionally.

Re short stories: they definitely come more naturally to me than longer pieces! I want to submit my good ones to magazines, but I keep putting it off.

Today

It's now 16 days of not gaming!

I did a decent amount of writing today, but I spent a lot of today just angsting about volunteering. I spent the two hours before it just lying down in bed. But the volunteering session was good! It was basically a drama/social club for people with learning disabilities, and I chatted a bit to them, although I didn't feel very useful. I'm going to go there weekly now, and possibly look at the other clubs they do.

I think having herbal tea last night helped me get to sleep quicker, so I'm going to continue doing that.

Writing: ★★★★☆

Wrote about 1700 words. Not sure I'm happy with what I wrote, but I keep reminding myself it's just a first draft.

Eating: ★★★★☆

Ate three meals, although the timing was pretty random - 10am, 4pm, 9.30pm. I'm not keen on eating this late, but the volunteering time was awkward.

Leaving the house: ★★★★★

Volunteering for the first time (for this charity) was definitely out of my comfort zone! If I was retroactively scoring myself, the last time I pushed myself out of my comfort zone would be over two weeks ago (went to a comedy gig in another town, mostly with people I didn't know). 

Tomorrow

I am curious whether I can beat my 5K time again, so I definitely want to go for a jog as it will be a bit cooler tomorrow. I also have my writing group call tomorrow and I think I'll actually share something this time. Otherwise, I don't want to push myself too much to do anything.

Hi Vee. I'm so glad you found a club you want to explore more at it sounds really fun! 🙂

 

Is it social anxiety that keeps you in the house? I totally work with that myself and I find that the best thing to do is to choose something that matters to me to go out for. And to make it win win like no matter what I know I'll get something good out of the experience. That helps bolster my spirits and hopefully yours too.

 

Good for us getting out there hehe. I'm going to a meetup on Sunday for the third time so that's awesome to be building up some consistency at this group. LMK how your club hangs go!

 

[Vee]

8 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Is it social anxiety that keeps you in the house? I totally work with that myself and I find that the best thing to do is to choose something that matters to me to go out for. And to make it win win like no matter what I know I'll get something good out of the experience. That helps bolster my spirits and hopefully yours too.

 

 

 

It's not social anxiety - I'm not super social, but I don't get too anxious about what people will think of me or anything. I wouldn't say it's quite agoraphobia either, there isn't anything I specifically fear, and I haven't had any trauma relating to strangers or my body failing me in public, etc. I can't really explain it, besides experiencing a strong resistance to leaving the house most of the time.

Wednesday

Writing: ★☆☆☆☆ / Eating: ★★★☆☆ / Leaving the house: ★★★☆☆

My mood dropped, so I got very little done. I managed to push myself out for a jog, but otherwise it was a struggle to just sit up and watch TV.

Thursday

Writing: ★★☆☆☆ / Eating: ★★★☆☆ / Leaving the house: ★☆☆☆☆

Again, did very little, ending up drifting in and out of sleep and staring at the ceiling a lot. One of the dogs was barking a lot both Wednesday and Thursday, so I struggled to concentrate. I pushed myself to do a tiny bit of writing, but I think it was literally about 100 words.

Today

Writing: ★★★☆☆ / Eating: ★★★★☆ / Leaving the house: ★☆☆☆☆

Still no gaming at least. I managed not to nap today as well. I did an hour of writing, although I'm not very satisfied with what I've written. My mood has picked up a bit from the previous two days, but I still feel mentally sluggish and it's hard to motivate myself to do anything.

[FDRx7]

16 hours ago, Vee said:

It's not social anxiety - I'm not super social, but I don't get too anxious about what people will think of me or anything. I wouldn't say it's quite agoraphobia either, there isn't anything I specifically fear, and I haven't had any trauma relating to strangers or my body failing me in public, etc. I can't really explain it, besides experiencing a strong resistance to leaving the house most of the time.

I wonder if it's momentum. This is usually the problem for me, especially with social engagements. My wife often tells me, "You'll enjoy yourself once you're there." And it's true, I like seeing people. It's just the prospect of getting up and getting there feels so tiring for some reason. I have not gone to see people sometimes simply because I just didn't want to do the prep to get there. Once the ball is rolling, I'm good but I really need a push to get it moving. It even happens sometimes with simple things like going to the grocery store. Fine once there, but the idea of getting up and moving to do that can be an obstacle. Based on what you describe, perhaps it is similar for you? You seemed to really enjoy your time volunteering once you were out of the house. It sounds like it was just the prospect of getting there that was initially in the way. What do you think?

[Vee]

On 10/7/2023 at 3:35 PM, FDRx7 said:

I wonder if it's momentum. This is usually the problem for me, especially with social engagements. My wife often tells me, "You'll enjoy yourself once you're there." And it's true, I like seeing people. It's just the prospect of getting up and getting there feels so tiring for some reason. I have not gone to see people sometimes simply because I just didn't want to do the prep to get there. Once the ball is rolling, I'm good but I really need a push to get it moving. It even happens sometimes with simple things like going to the grocery store. Fine once there, but the idea of getting up and moving to do that can be an obstacle. Based on what you describe, perhaps it is similar for you? You seemed to really enjoy your time volunteering once you were out of the house. It sounds like it was just the prospect of getting there that was initially in the way. What do you think?

 

Yeah, I definitely feel like the getting there thing is a large part of it. But I don't understand why that is so much harder for me than it seems to be for other people. I went to volunteering yesterday, but for about ten minutes before I was just standing up with my head against the wall thinking about whether to go or not. It's less than a five-minute walk away. Volunteering is still intimidating but going to the supermarket isn't, and that's less than 15 minutes away. I try to break things down by thinking, "I'll just put the right clothes on, I'll just gather my things, I'll just put my shoes on" and that mentality helps a little, but it's still so hard sometimes.

Blah

I've now reached a streak of 30 days of no gaming, probably the longest in 20 years!

...I've also done barely anything the last two weeks. My sleep schedule has become as bad as it's ever been, my eating is erratic, and I've only jogged once in almost two weeks. I didn't go to volunteering last week (although I did go yesterday, yay), and I've barely left the house otherwise. I haven't touched my novel since the 9th, and I haven't finished any short stories (although I started two, so I have done a tiny bit of writing). There were two days I didn't use my private journal, and most other days I've just tracked my goals and written maybe a sentence.

I can't pin down a good reason why. My mood crashed a couple of weeks ago, but the actual low mood only last maybe four days, and wasn't severe. Since then I've been alternating between apathetic and frustrated with myself. I was particularly frustrated that I didn't go to volunteering last week. Also frustrated at my choice paralysis. I spent a considerable amount of time yesterday (over an hour, maybe two) lying down thinking about what writing project I should work on that day. Two of my choices were short stories, so I could've almost finished a first draft within that time.

Sometimes I wonder if I should go back on anti-depressants, but this year I've broadly been better than ever, so it feels like a weird concept. Also, I'm not sure anti-depressants ever did much for me (besides reduce intrusive thoughts), even though I was on them for years and tried a few different kinds. I don't have faith in the concept of anti-depressants like I used to. I could also try therapy, but I never felt like it did anything for me before, and that would add up to quite a chunk of money over the long run. Another option is to go back to trying Huel or something similar, because my erratic eating no doubt affects my mood.

ANYWAY. Plans for today are: go for a jog, finish a draft of the short story I was working on yesterday, and attend the writing call. 

[Ikar]

On 10/7/2023 at 4:35 PM, FDRx7 said:

I wonder if it's momentum. This is usually the problem for me, especially with social engagements. My wife often tells me, "You'll enjoy yourself once you're there." And it's true, I like seeing people. It's just the prospect of getting up and getting there feels so tiring for some reason. I have not gone to see people sometimes simply because I just didn't want to do the prep to get there. Once the ball is rolling, I'm good but I really need a push to get it moving. It even happens sometimes with simple things like going to the grocery store. Fine once there, but the idea of getting up and moving to do that can be an obstacle. Based on what you describe, perhaps it is similar for you? You seemed to really enjoy your time volunteering once you were out of the house. It sounds like it was just the prospect of getting there that was initially in the way. What do you think?

 

On 10/18/2023 at 2:30 PM, Vee said:

Yeah, I definitely feel like the getting there thing is a large part of it. But I don't understand why that is so much harder for me than it seems to be for other people. I went to volunteering yesterday, but for about ten minutes before I was just standing up with my head against the wall thinking about whether to go or not. It's less than a five-minute walk away. Volunteering is still intimidating but going to the supermarket isn't, and that's less than 15 minutes away. I try to break things down by thinking, "I'll just put the right clothes on, I'll just gather my things, I'll just put my shoes on" and that mentality helps a little, but it's still so hard sometimes.

I sometimes have these situations too, although not very often; I normally just go. I hesitate only when it is expensive to come, if I don't know how it fits my schedule or some other rather objective reason. But I'm also a person who hardly feels any kind of regret, so normally I am at peace with whatever decision I make.

Volunteering should be a totally voluntary activity (obviously 😄 ), so you should be excited enough to go there quite easily. It's not like presenting a product to a client, when you have some internal doubts about the product, your company, your character etc. There could be a social reason as to why that alone isn't enough to make you just go. Maybe it could help to promise somebody to show up the next time you're there?

[Vee]

38 days without gaming!

Last week I felt a bit more active - I wrote a short story, did three runs (although two were mini) and became co-admin of my writing discord, as the owner has barely touched the server for months. I made a lot of little changes to the server, and I think it's helped people feel reinvigorated. I got a call on Friday from a friend who had had a bad day, and I felt honoured she called me - it made me feel valuable and connected. I also saw a play in London with a couple of friends on Saturday, and had a group call with friends on Sunday.

So far this week I've just been ill. I don't know if it's covid or just a bad cold, but regardless, I've mostly been in bed and unable to focus on anything. If it is covid, I hope I don't have a six-month cough like I did last time...

Annoyingly, this means I missed volunteering AGAIN. I also probably won't manage to write and submit a short story to a magazine whose deadline is the end of the month. Or if I do, it's going to be rushed and sub-par. Although I'm not terrible today (I'm sat up and typing this, after all!), I'm guessing there's no point in even attempting to do something useful until Sunday. Too foggy and tired.

[FDRx7]

Sorry you are feeling so ill, but sounds like you've made great progress otherwise! If you miss the deadline for the story this month, can you submit next month?

[Vee]

It's been 45 days without gaming and dear god I really want to game.

I've mostly recovered from being ill, although I'm still somewhat snotty and my cough is disrupting my sleep. I'm not sure my focus is quite back to normal either. Being ill has made me feel adrift, and I think that's what makes me crave the anchoring presence of gaming. It's been such a constant in my life, and there's no other hobby that feels remotely comparable.

I've been particularly craving Terraria, despite barely having played it for a couple of years, and only really being into it maybe ten years ago. It feels like the perfect balance of sandbox, plus creative, plus achievement-based (i.e. bosses to kill). The type of game where I could build a home. Even though I usually get fixated on numbers and achievements, I love the idea of having a home base, tweaking it here and there.

I wish, I wish I could play in moderation. I wish I could lay down rules for myself and only play being Xpm and Ypm. I know as I type this I'm trying to delude myself into thinking I can. While being ill I've done little but sleep and watch TV (which isn't much better than gaming), and it's been harder and harder to get myself out of bed. Winter probably doesn't help. But gaming is something that can genuinely motivate me to get out of bed when nothing else can. I haven't been keeping to the goals I've set myself, and rather than try to realign my behaviour (or suitably adjust my goals) it seems so much easier to stop trying.

...I guess I'll try to end on a positive note.

I created a channel for 100 word stories in my writing server, and much to my delight, people have actually been using it! Including some people who haven't engaged much recently. 

[FDRx7]

Being sick can really throw you for a loop. Have some grace with yourself and slowly try to get back to your habits. I'm sure they'll start to come back. 45 days is a long time! I think you're doing great, despite what you might think. 

[Vee]

 

  

17 hours ago, FDRx7 said:

Being sick can really throw you for a loop. Have some grace with yourself and slowly try to get back to your habits. I'm sure they'll start to come back. 45 days is a long time! I think you're doing great, despite what you might think. 

 

 

 

Thanks 🙂 Even when I recognise that I'm doing well, I always think about how much better I could be doing.

Went for a mini-jog both yesterday and today - still not back to full health, but the jogs weren't too bad considering. Also wrote 900 words so far today - probably won't write more as we have friends round soon. My sleep schedule is also slowly becoming less awful. I've gotten back into journalling, after being erratic with it while ill.

On 10/26/2023 at 1:41 PM, FDRx7 said:

Sorry you are feeling so ill, but sounds like you've made great progress otherwise! If you miss the deadline for the story this month, can you submit next month?

 

It was for Apex magazine, which has a specific prompt each month (for the flash fiction bit). I'm not too angsty about missing it though; I don't think my idea would really work in 1000 words. The outline I wrote up was 400 words already! I'll go back to the idea at some point and consider submitting it elsewhere.

[Ikar]

On 11/2/2023 at 1:44 PM, Vee said:

I wish, I wish I could play in moderation. I wish I could lay down rules for myself and only play being Xpm and Ypm. I know as I type this I'm trying to delude myself into thinking I can.

Yeah, unfortunately for us, this is not how we work. Hobbies are something that we like to do rather than plan to do. Most of them end at just doing them. That's not to say you can't (or rather didn't) develop your hobby of writing into something bigger, but that's a vision and an aspiration for the future. We all came here because we couldn't plan our gaming.

[Vee]

Today is 50 days of not gaming!

On Saturday, I spent hours reading through the Terraria wiki and watching a few Terraria videos. At first it increased my desire to play even more, and then gradually I remembered how much busywork is involved. It's true of most of the games I play, and the way I choose to play them. Boss battles and rare loot are exciting, but quite a lot of Terraria is just mining out blocks or dealing with enemies that are mild inconveniences. The desperate itch I've had in the last week has calmed a little.

Tried a new jogging route today! It wasn't a consistent jog, but it still felt good. Today was also the first day where I felt 100% healthy again.

I've also written every day for four days, which feels good! It's only been 800-1200 words each time, but it all adds up. I wish I could really get into the groove though, 3000+ word days feel amazing.

My sleep is improving too. Not quite where I want it to be, but much better than a fortnight ago.

My eating habits aren't great, but I've taken to having a peanut butter sandwich for lunch when I don't feel up for cooking, which is much better than my usual habit of just eating chocolate or sugary snacks for lunch.

[Vee]

My sleep schedule has gone back to being trash. I was up late both yesterday and Thursday due to socialising though, so it wasn't just me mindlessly browsing online etc.

I walked back from the train station last night at 1am and the night sky was GORGEOUS. Made me want to get into hiking to see how beautiful the stars can be in a more remote place (I live in a large town). I then dreamt I walked from Land's End to John O'Groats with a friend 😄. That's the length of the UK! I doubt I've even walked for four hours in a day before, and that's without a rucksack, yet my mind drifts to one of the most challenging hikes one can do in this country. I have previously chatted to some fit friends about having a hiking holiday in Wales, though we haven't planned anything concrete.

On Thursday I jogged a full 10k for the first time! Did it in 1:04:53, which I know isn't fast, but it is great for me and I was very pleased, even if I secretly hoped it would be under an hour. I had only intended to do ~7k walk-run mix, but found I wasn't having any issues 4k in (the point where I usually can't resist walking), so I just added an extra loop. I was thinking next year maybe I would try to do more exploratory runs. There's a Strava add-on called Veloviewer that has a cool "explorer squares" feature, which basically encourages you to try new routes and cover as much of the map as possible. I was daydreaming about jogging 10k out and getting a bus back, or getting a train to the next nearest town and doing jogging loops there. I'd want to be able to consistently jog 10k before I set that as a goal though.

Despite the above paragraphs, I've been feeling a bit low the last few days. I'm not sure why. I spent more time in bed because of it and I wish I hadn't, but I can also see how much better I've coped with the low mood. On Thursday I found myself crying a little, yet somehow managed to push myself out and run 10k - something that would have been inconceivable to me this time last year. On Friday I wanted to hole myself up in my room all day, but pushed myself out to see friends a couple of towns over. I don't actually know if those things helped me, but the mere fact I was able to do them is amazing. I guess this is what it is like to just feel "sad" rather than depressed.

[FDRx7]

1 hour ago, Vee said:

My sleep schedule has gone back to being trash. I was up late both yesterday and Thursday due to socialising though, so it wasn't just me mindlessly browsing online etc.

I feel you here... I'm really trying but man is this a struggle sometimes....

 

1 hour ago, Vee said:

On Thursday I jogged a full 10k for the first time! Did it in 1:04:53, which I know isn't fast, but it is great for me and I was very pleased, even if I secretly hoped it would be under an hour. I had only intended to do ~7k walk-run mix, but found I wasn't having any issues 4k in (the point where I usually can't resist walking), so I just added an extra loop. I was thinking next year maybe I would try to do more exploratory runs. There's a Strava add-on called Veloviewer that has a cool "explorer squares" feature, which basically encourages you to try new routes and cover as much of the map as possible. I was daydreaming about jogging 10k out and getting a bus back, or getting a train to the next nearest town and doing jogging loops there. I'd want to be able to consistently jog 10k before I set that as a goal though.

Very cool! I've never heard of anything like that. I imagine you could learn a lot about different places and even your hometown just by jogging various routes.

 

1 hour ago, Vee said:

Despite the above paragraphs, I've been feeling a bit low the last few days. I'm not sure why. I spent more time in bed because of it and I wish I hadn't, but I can also see how much better I've coped with the low mood. On Thursday I found myself crying a little, yet somehow managed to push myself out and run 10k - something that would have been inconceivable to me this time last year. On Friday I wanted to hole myself up in my room all day, but pushed myself out to see friends a couple of towns over. I don't actually know if those things helped me, but the mere fact I was able to do them is amazing. I guess this is what it is like to just feel "sad" rather than depressed.

While your mood has been low, it really seems like you've made an improvement. The things you've been able to push yourself to do are evidence of that. It's really exciting and encouraging to see this change in you!

[Vee]

After 56 days I broke my streak. Badly.

On Monday I thought maybe the way to wake up early was to use the Freedom software to block web browser games at all times except 5am-9am, that way maybe it would help motivate me to get up at a vaguely reasonable time. And on Monday, it worked. I woke up at 8am, played a mindless browser game, then did some writing, went for a good jog, and went to a writing discord meeting.

Tuesday was a complete write-off. I woke up before 9am, then disabled the Freedom stuff so I could play stupid browser games (that I didn't even like) all day. I didn't leave the house, or eat properly (all I ate was porridge and chocolate) or do anything but game for maybe 12 hours. I resisted installing Steam, but I'm not sure I'd consider that a good thing since the games I did play were even lower quality than I'd play on Steam.

Wednesday through to today were also gaming days, though I had switched to two mobile games, thinking that I wouldn't devote much time to them because I don't usually use my phone much... I went from my usual <30m a day on my phone to 7+hrs. Still, I managed to jog Thursday, Friday and Saturday, did some chores, and ate better. I had the option to socialise on Friday but I didn't, perhaps partly due to gaming (although I was also worn out from my jog that day). 

I uninstalled the mobile games a few hours ago. But oh God I really want to be able to game in moderation. I keep thinking about reinstalling Steam and trying to not gaming before Xpm, the time depending on how much I've gotten done... I know it's never worked before, but I guess I'm forever the optimist.

[Captain_Pilz]

Thanks for sharing your struggles, everyone faces them here or has faced them at some point. The most important thing is to keep going now.

I am curious: Why do you think your experiment with Freedom failed?

Edited November 19, 2023 by Captain_Pilz

[Vee]

3 hours ago, Captain_Pilz said:

Thanks for sharing your struggles, everyone faces them here or has faced them at some point. The most important thing is to keep going now.

I am curious: Why do you think your experiment with Freedom failed?

 

My brain just fell back into the familiar pattern of chasing the feeling of progression, and since a) I didn't use Locked Mode and b) Freedom doesn't block a tab if its already open when the blocking session starts (e.g. with a Unity WebGL game, or a single page javascript game), it was easy to ignore. The mental pathways just felt so familiar that when I started it was difficult to stop. I felt in a weird brain space where I could see the hours drift by, but all my other priorities just felt...muted. I was aware I wanted to do other things, but I didn't truly feel it.

My idea above about only playing after Xpm in the evening feels foolish now. Even if I did manage to stick to it, the rest of the day I would still be thinking about gaming, and planning what to do in the game (My Time at Sandrock is my current temptation). I can spend a lot of time devoted to gaming outside of actually gaming, whether that's looking at wikis or watching videos or just writing notes about a game.

Maybe the answer is to look into solo journalling games? Those could give a vibe of progression, while also being more focused on writing and slower vibes.

[FDRx7]

What kind of phone do you have, Vee? Freedom on Apple has a weak point which is that you can just uninstall the app, even if in locked mode. I've found that on Apple, the screen time feature is more effective when someone else holds the pass code so you can't deactivate it. You can also use Freedom and have that person toggle a setting in screen time where you cannot uninstall apps without the pass code. However, depending on your situation, this could be incredibly inconvenient. I wish Freedom would fix this, but I think it has to do with Apple's strict security policies.

Android, I'm not sure about.

Edited November 20, 2023 by FDRx7

[Vee]

...Obviously I just continued gaming for weeks. It's cooled down a little in the last few days, but I've still got one idle game open, which is on Steam. I played My Time at Sandrock for 77hrs, and I enjoyed myself for many of those hours, perhaps even over 50%. But while playing it, everything else in my life was on hold. Then I switched between a few other games - I enjoyed playing one of the other games, but the rest were just mindless. Now that I'm over the "omg I haven't played games for so long, I must play ALL THE GAMES CONSTANTLY" phase, I'm thinking about going back to quitting. I mean, it's popped into my head literally every day, but this is the first day I've felt like I can face posting on this forum. I'm trying not to judge myself harshly, and trying to engage with the "radical acceptance" concept.

I spent many hours playing games, that's a fact. Some of that time was enjoyable. Some of it simply passed the time, and I suppose in a way that's okay. But because I've spent many hours playing games, I have not been eating regularly, or keeping up with exercise, or journalling. Because I avoided my to-do/habit app (TickTick) I have also not been keeping up with taking supplements or brushing my teeth regularly. All these things are necessary for my short- and long-term wellbeing. I feel/felt guilty for not doing some things I felt I "should" do, e.g. write, engage with my writing group, look into courses that would help me with work. I'd prefer it if I had done those things. I didn't manage to stick to not playing games for as long as I would have liked (and thus fell into a pattern of lower functioning), so I need to experiment and try out different ways that worked for me.

Things that didn't work:

- The Freedom App. Probably any restriction app. I think specifically trying to limit myself made me rebel against it, and also reminded me that I was restricting myself. I didn't feel free. I would hate the idea of someone else having a pass code, so I don't think that would work.

- Using gaming as a reward. Well, duh. It's too easy to see through the lie of "I can only game when I've done X" - actually I can play whenever the hell I like. If I did want to try moderation, I think I'd need to simply...choose moderation. Not try to restrict myself to only before Xam or after Ypm.

- Reinstalling Steam. Well yeah, duh, but I mean even if I could moderate my behaviour (doubtful), Steam is designed to lure me into new shiny things. Or even old shiny things, e.g. when the news feature tells me a game I haven't played for years has a shiny new update.

- Chastising myself when I did slip up. Shame led me to avoid actually thinking through what I was doing, and led to me playing even more.

I don't know what I need in order to recommit to not playing. This post is just a way to say... I'm thinking about it. I haven't abandoned Game Quitters quite yet.

 

[Ikar]

5 hours ago, Vee said:

- Using gaming as a reward. Well, duh. It's too easy to see through the lie of "I can only game when I've done X" - actually I can play whenever the hell I like. If I did want to try moderation, I think I'd need to simply...choose moderation. Not try to restrict myself to only before Xam or after Ypm.

- Reinstalling Steam. Well yeah, duh, but I mean even if I could moderate my behaviour (doubtful),

I mean, the idea that this forum is not called "Game Moderators" but "Game Quitters" makes me think that we have to quit to make a meaningful difference. Maybe not forever, but it's often much easier to dispense with the whole thing than to try and balance it. Gaming is not a physiological need.

Part of why I got into gaming was because it was so immersive, so it wouldn't make sense for me to restrict myself to certain times either. Some people can game healthily naturally, and good for them. I knew I couldn't and that the negatives outweighed the benefits.

Welcome back!

[richter]

Welcome back.

Some of your posts are very relatable!

Good luck finding what works for you.

[FDRx7]

On 12/14/2023 at 7:30 PM, Vee said:

Things that didn't work:

- The Freedom App. Probably any restriction app. I think specifically trying to limit myself made me rebel against it, and also reminded me that I was restricting myself. I didn't feel free. I would hate the idea of someone else having a pass code, so I don't think that would work.

On 12/14/2023 at 7:30 PM, Vee said:

- Chastising myself when I did slip up. Shame led me to avoid actually thinking through what I was doing, and led to me playing even more.

I don't know what I need in order to recommit to not playing. This post is just a way to say... I'm thinking about it. I haven't abandoned Game Quitters quite yet.

First off, welcome back! You are right about shame. While sometimes shame can be a motivating factor (see the new Shameless Saturdays thread), too much can have the opposite effect and shut us down from thinking. So you're right. The healthy part is recognizing the issue, but beating yourself up about it doesn't help (I've done this plenty of times myself).

I may be echoing @Ikar here, but based on what you've said about app restriction, moderation, and then how you've ended your post, I think you need a clear definition of what you mean by "recommit to not playing". You said you do not feel free when it is restricted, so are you looking to be free to choose to play if you want? That would be more in line with moderation. Whether you quit entirely or moderate, you'll need to find some way to stop yourself from playing because willpower is limited. I've found I am always weakest at night, despite my best intentions. That's why blockers work for me. If they aren't working for you, that's fine but you'll need something or someone to keep you from gaming during the times you've committed not to. The restriction does feel like a loss of freedom at first, but I've discovered that over time, you will experience the new use of your time as freedom. There is an adjustment period where you need to wait for the addiction to slowly fade from the forefront of your attention.

Keep at it It sometimes takes experimentation. Glad you haven't given up!