For myself

[LostRiver]

The wheel barrow story:

- Judging how I'm doing by how I feel is not correct. Tell it by what I am doing. By the connection and love I can give and get naturally perhaps

- Trust means action in unity. To have faith in my higher Power is to watch the circus act runs a wheel barrow across a wire high up in the air. I would watch and clap and gasp and cheer everytime because I know those professionals won't drop the barrow. 

But if I trust my higher power, I would get into the wheel barrow. Trust means action in unity.

Edited December 18, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

Good topic, great reminder! from CGAA web

Time: It takes time

Once our eyes opened to the damage done by our gaming behavior, the lost time and lost opportunities, many of us wanted it fixed—immediately. “From now on I’m putting all those old gaming hours into being productive!” We wanted to apply our obsessive energy to grinding through accomplishments and leveling up on life. It’s typical to want repaired relationships, a happy social life, and big real-life accomplishments, all in the first week.

None of this is realistic. We didn’t become addicted all in one day and we’re not going to recover from it in one day either. If you walked ten miles into a swamp, it’s ten miles to walk back out.

Addiction is a seriously difficult disorder and should not be underestimated. If the only thing we do in the early months is not play a single video game, that is a major accomplishment. Every day off games allows our brains to heal, the withdrawal symptoms to fade, and our minds and bodies to further adjust to game-free living. It takes time just to learn the basics of self care, like how to get enough sleep, eat well, have conversations unrelated to video games, and get some exercise, fresh air, and sunlight.

In early recovery, we’re building a foundation. If we try to erect walls, rooms, and stairs above a slap-dash, shaky foundation, eventually it’s all going to come crumbling back down. But upon a carefully laid, solid foundation, we can confidently build lasting structures. So we focus on a new way of living that supports us in our number one priority of not starting that first game today no matter what. We attend meetings, build friendships in the fellowship, overcome urges to game, take care of ourselves, and learn the value of service work and asking for help. We accept that it takes time and trust that our foundation work will pay off. A solid foundation in recovery puts us in the position where we can pursue our goals and dreams.

Questions: How have I been building my foundation in recovery? Do I accept that it may take a long time? What improvements, large or small, have I noticed over my time so far? => Bit more clarity, no impulse to game, can deal with pressure, take care of myself better( socialise again, learning, getting better at job, sleep a bit better, work on ITAA, less anxiety about future, etc), feel more sympathy and connection with others

Quietly celebrating 162 days off video games

Edited December 25, 2022 by LostRiver

[Paul A.]

Beautifully written. And congrats on 162 days!

[LostRiver]

Sunday meeting

Disruptions: I react by feeling tired, weary (don't want to do this), miss my routine, no time to connect with family

Self-compassion, self-worth is hiden away due to addiction. Need to find self-love again (not even sure what self-love is)

Bored, have nothing to build towards to.

[Amphibian220]

Boredom is bluff. The greatest achievers in the world rightfully perceived it as such and anchored their motivations in intermediate goals. A great mission is great to have, but if we build up intermediate goals like in school years- all those test papers, coursework, then we will begin to see the reality of great goals and handle boredom.

I remember a guy who set a goal of becoming president of his country and even set up a time line of particular specific measurable goals needed to achieve that. Way to keep himself busy.

Edited January 15, 2023 by Amphibian220

[LostRiver]

Great sunday meet

Got to ask one old guy who has been off games for 05 YEARS what progress means, will take note here

Progress = to do my best (despite obstacles) to take small steps (even the smallest) to accomplish small things (even the smallest things) for myself and my family

[LostRiver]

Current speed: 143WPM

People read 32% slower on screens

Bad habits:

Fixation: spelling out a word or looking at words individually (spell out u-ni-ver-si-ty when reading, or reading each word while the eyes can see whole phrase "Lake", "Shore", "Drive"

Regression: lose focus and come back to re-read passages (can take up to 20-30% of reading time)

Subvocalization: Reading words in your head - causing you to read at the speed of speech, average 150-200 WPM or less, hence reading at the speed of thought (TM)

Edited January 23, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

I have been distracted from the fact that I am powerless over my tech addictions. I have re-connected with friends, got better at my job, been able to take care of my family but at the same time, my tech (ab)use increases.

Begin journaling by NA guide once again. I want to be clean because addictions has taken over my life and robbed me of hope for the future, hope of having a family, hope of being able to fulfill my responsibility to care for my parents; because I want to be free, and not feeling trapped by all the guile, shame, despair and failures brought about by my use. I want to be free.

--- Step Two ---

-- We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.--

"After all, how many times had we tried to get away with something we had never gotten away with before, each time telling ourselves, "It will be different this time." Now, that's insane!

As we stay clean and continue to work this step, we discover that no matter how long our addiction has gone on and how far our insanity has progressed, there's no limit to the ability of a Power greater than ourselves to restore our sanity.

It was when we realized that these other members - addicts like ourselves - were staying clean and finding freedom that most of us first experienced the feeling of hope.

We believe that we can be restored to sanity, even in the most hopeless times, even in our sickest areas."

- What do I have hope about today?

I have hope that today I can change, today I can notice my triggers, my cravings and deal with them, not fight them but sooth them until they go away. And then I can live my, just for today, the loving and wise and kind and strong person that I am.

I have hope that today, if I relapse or if I face troubles beyond my capabilities or experience, I can be gentle with myself, allowing myself to fail and to learn from failures. I have hope that my Higher Power will take care of me today.

[[Insanity]]

Reviewing our First Step should help us if we're having doubts. Now is the time to take a good look at our insanity.

- Did I believe I could control my using? What were some of my experiences with this, and
how were my efforts unsuccessful?

I still believe that I can control my using. In fact, 40 mins before I wrote this entry, I was watching Youtube shorts and contents with a lot of compulsion. Once I was able to snap out of it, I was hurt, I was upset. I felt like I did not know where that bad decision came from. I was upset but still a bit smug since I did not spend whole morning watching (like I did yesterday). I moved from getting upset to silverlining my use/ my compulsion without realizing that this kind "slips" have happened day after day for almost 20 years. I am truly insane. 

Another example is that My longest streak without bingeing is 5 days, which is 5 work days. I have to work and since I need the money plus don't want to make my parents worry to death, I need to maintain a level of sobriety acceptable to society. I was running on ego. At work, I was alone, cannot connect with anyone. I worried all the time, I was anxious, scared and prideful at the same time. I could not handle any pressure. I can barely learn/ read/ adapt to new things.

When I come home, even though I did not use,  I felt so tired. I was restless. I could not rest. My mind was racing all the time. I neglected and struggled to do basic self-care. In short, I was miserable. Eventually, I stopped praying and working the step. I binged up to 11 hours in the weekends. Then I spent Monday drifting, feeling beat up like I almost drowned during the weekends. It was withdrawal. Then I repeat the process.

- What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Did I put
myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? Did I behave in ways of which I'm now
ashamed? What were those situations like?

I stole from a hospital and got caught. I walked out with the medicine without paying.

Until very recently, I failed to do self-care. I shit myself and ants were crawling all over my mattress.

I lied so so many times at my job. I was a horrible colleague and a liability so many times for so long.

I hated my parents. My addiction warped my world view and I was angry and hateful towards those who tried to love me. I was not a good son. I hardly take care or even sympathize with them. I was never there when they went through hard times.

So many more things buried under years and years of addictions.

I did put myself in dangerous situations to use: I drove "under the influence"/ heavily distracted to rushed home to use tech.

I am getting old without a reliable job/ income. Most of my life I just drifted in my tech use without learning anything, knowing anyone. Some days I feel like all I know is to live off my parents.

I did behave in ways that I am now ashamed:

I was usually so steep in my addiction, I could not handle ANY issues in life. To survive, I adopted this persona that was brass, unfriendly, unnaturally competitive but also incompetent, mean, angry, manipulative. Now I am so embarassed that I don't know how to act, I am afraid to even show a backbone cuz I am afraid that the old me would show up again.

Deep down, I was ashamed of being an addict. That song played 24/7. To survive, I isolated from everyone!!! I ignored my friends, my parents, those who tried to help me. Now I am embarassed to be this friendless incompetent man, unreliable and fearful all the time. 

I was incompetent and could not do a lot of things. I just avoided a lot of stuffs and just took a menial job. I am happy that the job allow me the time to work the steps. And it helps the body too. But there are days that I feel diminished since all can do is the equivalent of cleaning dishes.

- Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships
and other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other than that
those things interfered with my using?

Yes, I did make decisions that borderline craziness to rush things so I can go back to using.

I was addicted to the numbness of using.

All my youth I isolated, I did not learn anything, I rushed everything or have my parents or others (paid or not) carry responsibilities.

I quit 03 jobs because of my using. 1st one I outright quit just so I can have more time to use. 2nd and 3rd I quit because using consumed my personal life and made my mind a mushy mess. I could not catch up, I could not learn, coming to work was getting heavier and heavier day by day. It was like torture and burden at some point. And I just quit to go back to my real full time job: using.

Same went for my schooling. All I did was messing around, buffing my ego, making jokes and looking cool trying to be accepted.

I did learn some things. But the way I did it was that I created this crazy persona, who is all about profits, promotions, money, tricks, gangbanging. All I did learn, I learnt because I was afraid: afraid that I would lose my income, afraid that people would be better and/or laugh at me, afraid of getting backstabbed, scrutinized by my boss/ others, etc

Never had an idea about what I like. Just existing, surviving. All the time.

- Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction?

It was mostly indirect, but yes, I did injure myself and others in my addiction.

For myself, I became an exercise nut. I was waking up early to run 2 km before work everyday/ workout. I barely ate in the evening because I can wake up earlier on an empty stomach. Of course I binged my phone and even game late into the night. I also tried to attend an evening class. I was always sleep deprived. I lost nearly 6kg. I became gaunt and sickly. I crashed hard when I got malaria. I was physically frail. My parents came and sleept at the hospital for a week to take care of me - a grown man at the age of 25.

For others, I yelled at many. I was abusive and callous to so many, ignorant of the needs or circumstances of others. I sort created around me a bad environment. I think a few people left the company because of me.

Edited January 28, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

Was so lonely last night, I saw a girl I like, figure I never get her, started bingeing Youtube and porn on my phone until 2AM.

Woke up and tried to learn, tried a test, my brain kept telling me I cannot do it. I only felt isolated, hateful towards others, angry, ashamed, remorseful. Struggling against my withdrawal gave me this feeling of being in immense pain and burden.

Slept well and it sort of went away

Edited January 27, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

- How have I overreacted or underreacted to things? How has my life been out of balance?

Work:

I overreacted to a lot of my failures. When I started working, I used to actually freeze up and disconnect whenever I fail at things, even small things (forgot where to put stuffs, press wrong buttons, etc)

Later on I would lie, blame things and act like somebody put it on me "it wasn't me" I basically threw tantrums as a grown man.

I would act the same way, throwing tantrums and all when people ask me to change or fix things that I messed up. Deep down, I was just extremely ashamed that I messed up. I would not learn from any of those experiences at all, numbing myself with all the tantrums, actually believing that it was somebody else's fault, hating on the world. All my experiences are negative because of my way of thinking.

All I learnt was how to avoid responsibilities and looking good while doing it. Also I learnt how to complete customers' request in a the least amount of time possible but not necessarily with most quality. I was so afraid and ashamed of fucking up that those two things were the only things that I learnt in about 5 years of working.

Sometimes, when I'm too tired, I do not try to rest but either over-react by trying to rush work or under-react by trying to white knuckle stuffs. At the end of a work day, I end up always feeling beat up, to the point not wanting to eat or take care of myself. If this keeps going, I can only use and do nothing else after work to grow or balance work and life.

I under-react to a lot of unreasonable stuffs from my bosses. Cuz deep down, I had a very negative train of thought that it is what they are suppose to do: to force stuffs onto workers, etc. Not that they do it often, but sometimes, their vision are off.

I often slack requests to help from my colleagues. I feel sooo lazy to help them but I expect them to help me all the time. When some of them don't help me, I in turn feel betrayed, hurt, upset, etc. Feel like I was destroyed or something

I underreacted to overworking and workaholism, I myself have been burnt out twice by embracing such ideals. Deep down, I always view myself as not good enough or lacking somewhere. As a results, I either bite off more than I can chew, mess up small tasks, too afraid to take more responsibilities or just go crazy until I have nothing left to give. All the while I have no idea what exactly I have accomplished for myself, my future and for the company!

Life

After some trauma, I notice that sometimes I under-react to a lot of stuffs. I sometimes care little about how my grandmother is getting old and she needs help with stuff. Same for my father and mom. I am afraid that in a blink of an eye, they will get old without me being there to help them.

I under-react to good things. I remember few happy moments in my life except for gaming moments. 

Edited January 29, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

Loneliness and guilt, loneliness and guile. All the time

[LostRiver]

- How have I overreacted or underreacted to things? How has my life been out of balance?

Life (cont)

I under-react to my using. I spend a lot of times on my phone and most of the time, I keep thinking

- I have nothing better to do/ this is the best thing to do now

- I have been doing this all my life, let's just do it again

- It's a challenge/ Just this one more video/ one search

- It's me time

- It brings me peace, I should do it/ This is my treat, my chance to relax. IT IS NUMB/ IT IS NOT PEACE!! PEACE IS KNOWING WHAT IS HAPPENING AND STAYING CONTENT WITH IT ON THE INSIDE. USING IS SHUTTING DOWN THE WHOLE WORLD TO GO NUMB/ FORGET THE PAIN. INSIDE THE PAIN AND ISSUES ARE STILL THERE!

I have put other opportunities in life on hold. Recovery is my top priority now. I just realized that I am under-reacting to the progress of my recovery: I have been to over 60 meetings now but my using has not decreased at all. It got worse compared to the period right after my rock bottom! FUCKKKKKK

Edited February 5, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs? Compulsive gambling, eating, or sex seeking? Something else?
 

I am obsessed with money and power. I think that having a steady stream of income will solve all of my problems. That should not be the case. My parents provided for me all my youth but, that was when my addiction was the worst!

I know money and power and networks can help against disruptions and catastrophes: but they cannot solve everything. Issues arise because of causes outside of my control. It is how I deal with them that matters. And so mindset, spirituality, empathy, love and support matters too. And sometimes, much more than money and power.

I have this "recipe": As long as I have ... I will be fine

- Money

- A girlfriend

- A high paying job

- A good mindset

- Health

. etc

But it's not. My addiction is progressive and I can destroy my own life from within in the long run. Or just handicap myself enough that I spend the rest of my life dealing with the damage.

I convinced myself that if I am healthy, I can do whatever. If I eat healthy and sleep enough. But I did so in my younger days and it lead to almost nothing. Or whatever good it did was gone, could not stood the damage of my addiction.

"AS LONG AS IT KEEPS ME HAPPY": this is craziness. I kept using to shoo away the feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, doubt, fear, anxiety. As long as I survive this moment without having to look at who I am inside: hurting, broken, alone, lost, confused, afraid, conflicted, etc

Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptom of my addiction (using drugs or some
other manifestation) is my only problem?

Yes, I believed that once I stop using completely, once I have nothing to do with games and phone and tech, I will be free. But it is not the case. 

I can still make terrible mistakes when I am not using. I usually beat myself up and get downtrodden/ very upset because I associate all my mistakes to my addiction. This has hindered my work for so many years.

I can still feel pain once I my symptoms are gone: my parents getting old, the world is never the way I want, rejection from girlfriends, etc. My defects can still be there once I have stopped using!

I am kinda sure that I cannot live without tech. This journal, the support I get from fellowships, hell, even the knowledge about 12 steps and addiction comes from tech. If I can never "quit" tech, the only thing I can do learn to remove the harmful symptoms (bingeing, compulsion, hiding, overeating, eating/resting with phone) and have a healthy relationship with my technology. In other words, "no tech is not possible" but even if it is, NO-TECH WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS!

 

Edited February 12, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

If we've been clean for a while, we may find that a whole new level of denial is making it difficult to see the insanity in our lives.

What is this denial that they speak of? I need to stay vigilant for it!!

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?

Will try to give 04 examples here

[[01]] Very compulsive, Does not think of consequences at all. Act out of habit

I do not think of the consequences of my bingeing or overeating at all. That moment (Friday afternoon, after work, etc) is my binge moment, so I binge eat, watch and all. I don't even remember how good it really is. I vaguely think that I have no other choice.

I still go ahead with bingeing because I feel like I'm overwhelmed after work. I feel burnt out. Burdened. Always feel behind. Always feel like, when I come home, I gotta start doing A or B to prepare, to adapt, to learn, to be ahead, etc.

I have had success dealing with this feeling when I come to eat with my parents, talk with them. I tell myself while doing it: You are doing the best thing you can do in this moment, and you are doing ok. I then feel relieved, burden lifted, envigorated.

Edited February 15, 2023 by LostRiver

[Amphibian220]

The body knows how to adapt to your changes and ambush you, so look for ways for counter-ambushing it. I really liked Cameron's response to when his mind kept repeating the fear of missing out on a new game instalment. He responded to the thought with the joy of missing out on it- it was so much more fun to know he was surfing, connecting with his family and friends. 

Another trick is the self-pity game. The body starts reacting to your improved discipline

"You did all this effort, provided extra help and responsibility at work, acted with humility and listened carefully to what your co - worker was saying. So you took all this discomfort! Peolpe may not even notice this effort! You gotta go reward yourself with internet quick gratification videos!"

You know what? I won't pity myself, but I will care about myself. I will own that, I'm okay with shocking you, and you're going to learn to accept it, and you will never get used to it cause I will put you into situations you don't expect. And then you will obey me, and never ask to have the next gratification video.

[LostRiver]

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?

[[02]] Averse reaction to being overwhelmed

Whenever I (even just briefly) recognize that I have so much to do, I will make excuses to use: just watch Youtube a little bit to rest, just check this info a bit, gotta do this, etc. I might actually do some minor stuffs but in reality I will slip into mindless browsing/ watching.

Perhaps there is a fuck it somewhere, like fuck all this, imma go binge again. Or it is just me coping/ refusing to deal with my powerlessness over lack of time/ wasted time

[[03]] Obsession: beating myself up after every failure, even small ones. Then using to numb the pain

Every time I fail, every mistakes I make, even small, I beat myself up. I have this train of thought that I messed up because I was an addict, because of my wreckage of a youth, because I did not learn to do this when I was younger, etc. 

I understand that remorse is healthy. But all those things that I used to beat myself up are not: I can never change the past, I can never know that I will need this skill/ that specific experience in the future. EVEN IF I WAS NOT AN ADDICT, I COULD HAVE FAILED.

Of course, the mental shithole that I put myself in is terrible. And surprise surprise, I have to use to avoid feeling so shitty, which I make myself feel like so in the 1st place.

Deep down, I either:

- Want people to pity me, love me for how painful I feel, how powerless I am, how weak I am

- Want to remind myself of this mistake. I have lived a comfortable life and I am afraid that it will make me complacent

- Hate myself for failing, internally screaming WHY AM I SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LostRiver]

3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

You know what? I won't pity myself, but I will care about myself. I will own that, I'm okay with shocking you, and you're going to learn to accept it, and you will never get used to it cause I will put you into situations you don't expect. And then you will obey me, and never ask to have the next gratification video.

My inner conversation is different but I gotta admit I need to check out Cam's stuffs more!

[LostRiver]

Remember, it's OK (and necessary) to follow good orderly direction (G.O.D.) without understanding why. Expect not to understand, just have faith and truly listen. This will reduce stress and push you further from a relapse.

Kind of tough, but understanding there are things that I don't understand but are good for me is reasonable.

[LostRiver]

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?

[[04]] Avoid dealing with Hunger, Anger, Tiredness, Loneliness (HALT)

I tend to use or do other stuffs to avoid taking care of myself when I am hunger, angry, tired or lonely. I guess I don't know or don't have the tools so when I feel like so, I just "make" the quick decision to go numb by using.

These feelings and the pain/discomfort they cause are not scary but rather muddled for me. Maybe it is trauma, maybe because I am autistic or something. But I do not feel hungry, angry or tired or lonely in a clear way. I can hardly tell if I am hungry at times. I just feel cold, uneasy. Then by chance, I eat and it goes away. Perhaps this is the damage that using has done to me. All that I am a switch: using or not using. My emotional cortex are fucked up. I am either extreme or vacant. Wonder what Cam says about this?

 

[LostRiver]

When we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?

[[04]] Avoid dealing with Hunger, Anger, Tiredness, Loneliness (HALT)

I tend to use or do other stuffs to avoid taking care of myself when I am hunger, angry, tired or lonely. I guess I don't know or don't have the tools so when I feel like so, I just "make" the quick decision to go numb by using.

These feelings and the pain/discomfort they cause are not scary but rather muddled for me. Maybe it is trauma, maybe because I am autistic or something. But I do not feel hungry, angry or tired or lonely in a clear way. I can hardly tell if I am hungry at times. I just feel cold, uneasy. Then by chance, I eat and it goes away. Perhaps this is the damage that using has done to me. All that I am a switch: using or not using. My emotional cortex are fucked up. I am either extreme or vacant. Wonder what Cam says about this?

Do I have any fears about coming to believe? What are they?

- That I am the only one who "needs" this belief. That everyone does fine and dandy without having to turn their life and will over to a god. That everyone's life is fine and mine is not, hence my surrender.

- Can I do the work? I have believed in so many things over the years, some good, some bad. But I have always failed to do the work. Why should this time stick? 

- How does it work? Does it work at all?

- Am I missing out on life's stuffs when trying to work the steps? I see a lot of people just start hiding, coping with their bad stuffs while prioritising career/ money? Am I wrong? Vain?

- I have so much troubles: money, career, emotions, relationships, health, family, etc. How can Higher Power help me with all or even any of those? It is even possible for me to get it together?

- What if my Higher Power fails? What if I fail to recover?

- What if some other bad stuffs happen? Bad luck, tragedies are everywhere in life

- What if I am beyond help? I have been a wretch all my life? What if nothing can be done to help me?

- What if it is too late and I cannot be helped? I mean I wasted like half my life and all my youth gaming and abusing tech???

- What if it sucks? what if life without addiction sucks?

Edited February 21, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

Starting from today, instead of thinking/ remembering video games mirth, I will start writing in my head this movie "The first years of our lives" about recovering addicts. It will be based on "The best years of our lives" and all the fellowship stories I heard over the years.

Don't nobody here steal it lol 🤣

[Amphibian220]

On 2/15/2023 at 5:14 PM, LostRiver said:

- That I am the only one who "needs" this belief. That everyone does fine and dandy without having to turn their life and will over to a god. That everyone's life is fine and mine is not, hence my surrender.

- Can I do the work? I have believed in so many things over the years, some good, some bad. But I have always failed to do the work. Why should this time stick? 

- How does it work? Does it work at all?

- Am I missing out on life's stuffs when trying to work the steps? I see a lot of people just start hiding, coping with their bad stuffs while prioritising career/ money? Am I wrong? Vain?

- I have so much troubles: money, career, emotions, relationships, health, family, etc. How can Higher Power help me with all or even any of those? It is even possible for me to get it together?

- What if my Higher Power fails? What if I fail to recover?

- What if some other bad stuffs happen? Bad luck, tragedies are everywhere in life

- What if I am beyond help? I have been a wretch all my life? What if nothing can be done to help me?

- What if it is too late and I cannot be helped?

- What if it sucks? what if life without addiction sucks?

You are striking at the core issues with your posts now, your meetings must have allowed you to see through the facade.

The society would ofcourse want you to think that you are seriously missing out by seeking meaning in your life.

Simple proof: look at how internet is structured, it exaggerates the importance of checking pointless information. If the target gives in, he watches something fun, but he has forgone his time to do something valuable like reading a book or improving a skill.

Food industry is creating products to make us overeat by generating extreme reward feedback loops. From consultations with doctors, I learned that diabetes is hitting record levels and many food companies have common financial interests with pharmaceutical companies. Tens of millions of people have failing health not because of malnutrition, but because of too much nutrition!

Another discovery for me was that countries that put undue emphasis on consumerism and comfort have extremely lonely populations with mental health issues! You may go out and see people in shops and restaurants that appear to be content, but they are very lonely within!  Loneliness among the male population is unprecedented and Cameron talked about it in a recent video. People themselves are being turned into products. 

You know how body builders get happy when they put their muscles in shock? That is how I enjoy when I pass on scraps of internet entertainment. My body rewires and learns to enjoy the good things in life.

Your mind may be choosing between scarcity mentality and abundance mentality. I say choose the abundance mentality.

Life without addiction is the best.

Edited February 20, 2023 by Amphibian220

[LostRiver]

5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Life without addiction is the best.

Even though I am struggling bad with my tech abuse , I'll believe you on this one 

[LostRiver]

Do I have any other barriers that make it difficult for me to believe? What are they?

- My relapses: it's kinda simple - all the dopamine hits that come with using will make me forget how terrible the consequences are. Being sober means dealing with my feelings, with things that sucks, with despair, etc. Also If my higher power can help me, why do I keep relapsing???

- "Being smart"/ there is a shortcut: I am not very smart. As a result, I tend to believe (out of shame and cynicism) that there is a "smart" way to do things, that there is a "shortcut", a hack somewhere that all the smart people know and I do not. To put it in another way, I am ashamed to look for help, any kind of help, because I keep holding on to the belief that I am stupid, no matter what I do or what I try.

- Double life: I do not tell many people (especially at work) that I am an addict. Therefore, I am terrified that once I start working the steps seriously, once I start changing, people may know. And I have no idea how they will act: will they laugh at me? will they take advantage? will they hate? Also, can I face their reactions to the real me when sometimes even I struggle to accept my messed up life.

- My guilt: I am too privileged, I never did anything to earn my place at work and in life. All I did was wasting my time, my parents resources, my company's money and opportunities. My existence (as an addict) and even not so only causes pain and suffering for others. So many had to take care of me instead of getting their shot at a better life.

- My shame: as an addict, I find it so hard to shake it. Whatever I do, Ifeel a burden. I do not come into contact with people for fear that what I say, what I feel hurt them because of my unkempt addict's mind. Always afraid of things too late to be changed. Too late to fix. Always have to try to fix something, to be better to be equal and all.

Edited February 22, 2023 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

What does the phrase, "We came to believe...," mean to me?

- A strong desire: not just a compulsion, an obsession, a false worship but the result of a process. I have come a long way living an unmanagable life to arrive at this point. I believe because I truly, humbly and really want to be saved.

-Deep-sitted: I now have proof that my Higher Power exist and can and is willing to take care of me (will add proof here)

- The other way is wrong: I have tried everything else, and nothing works. Yet all I have for this in the beginning was my willingness. And it worked. I was saved, my life got better, I feel connected, I want to live life again.

- An awakening: I was snapped out of my addiction and I wake up praying/ coming to believe