Simon E

Another two hours wasted on youtube. I think I needed those, though, bcz now I have literally done nothing more than watch league videos the whole day. That is awful. I feel awful. That is why it's going to work out. I needed to trick myself into mustering enough anger so that I'm able to actually make an honest, powerful decision. I will not consume any more league-related content during this detox. No videos, no news, nothing. That's a goal and a promise. If your struggles are the reason you get stronger I will come out fucking unstoppable on the other side of this addiction. Like steel forged in unbelievable heat, like broken bones becoming stronger after healing. https://m.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/2ca0xz/ventrant_nsfw_language/ This is golden. I keep coming back to this post whenever I feel at my worst. "Remember where you fucking came from and remember you can climb up from any bottom." Me: 1 Cravings: 0. "Tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to do all the things you didn't do today". Preach. That's it for now - I'm out.

You're completely right, but to admit this would require logic and common sense, and when I experience cravings there's no room left for either of those. I keep coming back to and troubling myself with the fact that some people are able to play games, and I'm not. Why is this? It disturbs me, yes, and it makes me jealous. But I'm also curious. Is there anything I can do, any change I can implement in my life, any basic need I can fulfill, that will let me regain control over the games? How does it work? Where do I possibly find the answers? Because this is tearing me apart. If there was some pill that would let me go to sleep and then wake up when the detox is done, I would take it. If there was anything that would instantly remove the cravings, I would take it. But ofcourse, that's too easy, so I'll have to go through every day with a roaring conflict going on inside me; my soul is a battleground, and little parts of me die every time I have to resist the urges. Atleast it's slightly better now than before (probably won't be in a minute since I'll end up watching more league videos, which now that I think of it sounds like a perfectly reasonable idea. I did tell you I'm a genius, right? Anyways, I appreciate your encouragement, flingaas.

Hmm... That's an interesting answer, and I can agree with you to some degree. But really, following that logic, is anything real then? Just as the games aren't real when you shut down your computer, are your drawings and drawing skills real when you put away the sketchbook? Are your writing skills real when you're not writing? Is anything inside you real at all, or is it only your actions, your accomplishments that counts? Will your life have been real once you're dead and buried? It's up to ourselves to define what's real, no? If someones finds fulfillment in games, that's completely fine. If someones does so in writing, that's also fine. It's all subjective. In a billion years time nothing matters except if you were happy while you lived. Nothing. Personally, I have to agree with @flingaas above (note: this is my subjective opinion). A story is a powerful thing; it can make its way deep down into ones very soul. It can inspire, bring hope, produce tears, or incite anger, sadness, nostalgia. Humans need and has always needed stories in their lives, whether it be tales told around the fire or a book to make you company on rainy days. As I said before, I am probably biased, but it's interesting to discuss the matter anyways.

Day 21: The sparring trainings are truly golden. It's fun, it's relieving, and it's so awesome to feel yourself getting better (landed some pretty nice blows to my opponent today, instead of being a punching bag as usual). What happens afterwards isn't as good though. Quite the opposite. I get tired, I lack motivation -> I watch league videos -> I get cravings. Seriously considered (considering) relapsing in a close future. I miss playing Syndra, I miss chatting with my close gamer friend from four years back, I miss dominating over people and losing myself in the magic of the game. But I know it'll feel like shit if I relapse, and also, I'm too busy to even relapse properly. Playing for one hour then quitting again would be utterly meaningless. This is all so silly and pathetic. Luckily I have scheduled a thing that'll force me to leave the house and meet people in an hour, but I do not feel excited at all. I'm just angry and low. I know it's possible to make a mindset shift, to let go of the anger and start thinking positively, but the thing is; when I am like this, I don't want to be happy, I don't want to smile and forget about the whole thing. That would, in a twisted way, feel like giving in. I don't want to be angry but I also want to be angry. Fantastic. -- Absently checking the clock after yet another video makes it worse. Time is passing and I have things I need to do, things I, deep down, want to do. But that would require effort, willpower, energy. Oh look, another video. I'm not going to play today. That's it. I'm going to feel miserable and sad and furious and I won't get anything done, but I'm not going to play. Eventually the day will end and so will the cravings. I'll attempt to hold on until then.

Hi there! I recognize myself alot in you; basically all I do too is think and write. You also seem to be kinda introverted, or am I wrong? Im curious; why do you not see novel-writing as a possible career path? I can agree with wanting to write one really good book, but why stop there; why not write, say, a hundred really good books? It's not like your imagination will run out, heh (even though it feels like it sometimes). I might be biased, since becoming an author is a dream of mine, but I can't see why someone who obviously also likes to write wouldn't want to live off ones novels. Sorry for barging in and being nosy. Cheers!

@Fagus I think the old lotus position is where you have your legs crossed, and your feet positioned on the opposite thigh, but I might be wrong. It's pretty uncomfortable the first times you use it.

A quick complement to the daily report; the slightly negative news. I watched a short league video and apparently there's some honestly exciting changes coming to the game. Aquiring this knowledge resulted in a short outburst of cravings, pretty high up the scale. But considering these news carefully and logically, I made some things clear. The changes won't be implemented until next season (which starts in January sometime next year), and since this season is close to over I have no reason to play in the coming months, so I can deal with the new changes next year, when I've, hopefully, gained some perspective. I will go through with the 90-day detox, and decide then. I can't trust myself on making the right decision now, considering the heavily affected state my brain is in, and also, it's not even of any meaning right now.

Damn. I can't say I understood everything, but still. It's pretty damn good. You've got the rhymes without making it silly, and there's contrasting parts of darkness and hopefulness in there. I really like it. You've got some potential there, man If you ever write something in English I would be excited to read it!

I got really curious now mind sharing your poem here? (You don't have to, ofcourse) It's great with the feedback, and the passion. Welcome to the club of aspiring authors (or soon-to-be authors; no doubts allowed) With the creative + sleep = trouble part, I recommend keeping a piece of paper aside your bed, and write down whatever thoughts you get. This helps me with the sleep (the ideas are no longer my responsibility - they're the responsibility of tomorrow-me) and it also ensures you remember them tomorrow. (Nothing more furstrating than forgetting something awesome) All in all, exciting news to hear! Will hang on tight to see what you make of it

Day 20: (Warning: a boring and puke-inducing text of positivity below) Todays report will begin and end on a more positive note than the last one (or basically any post in this journal)(that doesn't really say much, since they're all pretty depressing, but hey). I've been in quite a funk lately; a meh-mindset, and this is because I forgot something fundamental, something @Cam Adair keeps stressing: quitting games is only the first part. Since I've suceeded with this one, I expected life to get better. I've been waiting, reacting to everything that comes along. Last night I felt some sort of revelation; I've quit games, but now it's time for part 2, which is: improving my life. And that is up to me (this doesn't take a genius to conclude). Life wont get better automatically, not if I just sit here and react to whatever comes down the road. I have to act. (This is all kind of obvious, but it hit me pretty hard yesterday). I won't become who I want to be or achieve what I want to do unelss I act upon those dreams. (This all stems from reading the Slight Edge again. Honestly, if you who are reading this haven't read the slight edge, I urge you to go and get it right now. It doesn't matter if you buy it, borrow it, steal it; just read it. Every human being should do so.) When realizing the fact above, I all of a sudden felt hopeful and excited for the first time in a month. I've already begun consciously implementing the principle in my life, e.g. When I'm tired and about to get to bed early, I think to myself; I could do some drawing first. And some guitar. And some meditation. Just a few minutes of each activity, and still it feels so good to be doing it. I'm certain that if I hadn't had the slight edge in mind I would've simply gone to bed. ("What fucking difference is me drawing another damn eye going to make?") Also, I was struck by the thought that the slight edge surely works with thoughts aswell. If you think negative thoughts all the time, you will end up with such a mindset (a mindset heavily limiting your decisions). It's not hard to change your thoughts. The hard part is realizing you have to change your thoughts in the first place. Now, when aware of it, I catch myself thinking "that's impossible", "argh, do I have to deal with that too?", "oh god, I have so much stuff to do" way too much. Even if you do not believe it, or see how it would be possible, changing your thoughts is the easiest thing in the world. "I can do that. No problem." If nothing else, this makes the negative thoughts leave you alone for the moment, so you can focus on what you have at hand. For the future I will: Begin saving money, and looking into stocks/funds (inspired by both the financial focus in the slight edge, and also by a friend who's into that stuff). I've never cared about money before, and I know it doesn't result in happiness, but honestly, does it hurt? You can do alot of amazing stuff with money.Begin looking into freelance writing (I got really inspired by reading (read: lurking in) @Marquess 's journal), through sites like fiverr and iWriter. It could be fun to try out atleast, and also to earn some money.Begin creating a structure for my novel/fleshing out the core idea. Having this project to work on, I feel, would give my life a somewhat greater purpose (than my currently non-existing purpose). I love reading and writing, and honestly, I believe I could write a book that woud sell decently well. Simply decide. Decide to be curious, ambitious, energetic. Happy.This is it for now, I believe. Not a too interesting post, but one I had to write. Also, I don't think my current method of flirting is working (staring at the girl I like until she makes a move). 0 sucess so far, but I will not give up! Jokes aside: this is probably the area where I'd rate my chance of sucess the lowest. Ask me to become a doctor, prime minister or best-selling author: sure, no problem. Ask me to consistently talk to/ask out girls: NOPE. I'm out. I'm a pretty hardcore introvert, and I've also been pretty shy up until recently. Now I can talk to people without dying inside (great, right? I deserve a prize or smth). I've also had bad self-confidence, but that has healed too. I can for the moment agree not too hesitantly to me being atleast somewhat interesting and somewhat attractive. Yay. That is something I'll have to work on, and I'm open to insights, as always. An extra apology for this bible. If you were paid for reading my shit, I would pay you more for this one. :^) PEACE. TLDR: Me embracing the genius inside of me and realizing I'm responsible for my life. (That's enough of the applauds, thank you, thank you.)

Thank you. Really. Your words mean alot. The judgemental voices inside tend to soften when I recieve compliments such as yours I usually write alot on my local word app on the ipad; novellas, poems, fragments of stories, thoughts, but since I've been busy lately (or just bad at managing my time) I've prioritized writing here, since it doesn't really matter where I write my words as long as I get to 500-1000, and journaling releases a lot of weight from my shoulders. I will try to get back to the fictive writing though. Thanks again for your input!

Oh my lord, that was legitimately amazing

Nice ones! You're alot better than me. You ought to have used reference for atleast some of these, right?

Ayy, always nice to find a fellow vegan. Nutrition is an extremely interesting and extremely underrated topic. It's borderline fun to read about all the vitamins and minerals, what they do, and planning your days/weeks to make sure you get enough of them. The menu you've created looks pretty damn good (I'm lazy so I eat substitutes sometimes, but really, eating fresh, non-processed food is what makes me feel the best.) Also, I've always struggled when reaching 50 days (53 and 45 are my two farthest attempts). Idk why, but I'm struck by these immense cravings out of nowhere. Maybe it's the evil spirit of gaming realizing it's about to get cleansed, and so it attacks with the last of it's strength. Just pull through it. You know deep down that an eventual relapse won't feel good. It'll never feel good again, since you've realized that you have to move on. That knowledge won't leave you no matter how much you try to drown it out with gaming. Good luck. The poison will leave you eventually.

Day 19: I'm beginning to know what all the "grownups" mean when they say that time passes so quickly. The days seem to slip through my hands like sand, faster and faster, and I can't do anything but watch them disappear. I'm just 18, but still, it feels like moments ago when I were in middle school, and even though I absolutely hated most parts of it (my main focus was surviving the school days so I could get home to my computer), through the lens of nostalgia I can almost tell myself it was cozy, to some degree. The world was alot smaller back then, you know? The difficulty level was lower - thing's seemed more possible. You weren't as tired or as responsible or as worried about the future as you are now. I knew less, but I felt freer, in a way. The whole idea of living in the present is so hard to grasp, too. How do you do it? By not thinking? By just slowing down, feeling? It's impossible to defend yourself against the screaming thoughts and the always present distractions. And even if you suceed, even if you truly experience the now, the moment will soon be gone, turned into nothing more than a dear memory never coming back, leaving only the bitter taste of nostalgia on your tounge as proof of its existance. I had a silly theory about how your sensation of time accelerates depending on your mass, since the difference in ones mindfulness between childhood and adulthood really is massive. Really, the only time in our lives where we don't fret about the future is when we are kids. The way we embraced every moment - every day - with excitement, made something epic out of it. Life was an adventure unlike any video game. Maybe this is because, when we are kids, a year or a day is quite a big part of our current lifetimes, and so, we treat it that way, like another huge chunk of our lives, something new and valuable to explore. Unlike now, when we are older, and anonymous years pass by unnoticed, just another one added to the pile, just more of the same shit. Also, I've always wondered how, let's say a fly, experience time. They only live a few weeks at maximum, but do they feel it that way, or do their weeks feel like the way we experience years? Do their lives pass by their eyes in seconds, or do they last a lifetime? Maybe I should meditate more. My daily share of thoughts. Time is a peculiar thing, really. (Also, I'm close to day 20. Yay. I still feel like an imposter.) TLDR: Time, melancholia, nostalgia. (Pretty words)

Sounds awesome!

This is an interesting topic, and I instantly come to think of the quote "Work expands to fill the time available for it's completion". I can get as much done in an effective 30min as in multiple hours. Like, I can sit 4 hours just randomly drawing, but if I create a gameplan and know what I'm supposed to do (say 20 gesture drawings, 10 hands, 1 portrait), I'll do this and then I'm done, and so I proceed with the next task on the list. This might not give me the most improvement in drawing that single day, it but tends to give a more productive day overall. If you're looking for a productivity tool, I recommend time boxing. (You basically put away all distractions, choose a single thing to work on then put the timer on 20-45 minutes. Take a short break, then repeat). The binge-watching really is a problem for me too sometimes, but I've found that there's two major factors that lead to the binging: internet and the couch. If I let myself crash on the couch with youtube/netflix I might end up staying there for hours and feeling really drowsy afterwards. But if I, on the other hand, sit at the kitchen table reading a book, I won't face the risk of getting stuck (unless it's a brilliant book, but those are seldom found anymore). Basically, you should split your work into short bursts of effectivity, and always have a clear goal of what you want to achieve that day. These are things I've concluded from trying and failing quite a few times (I still have a hard time sticking with it though)

Welcome aboard. If you make sure to stick around here it will become easier! Good luck

I have found the same. Sleep (7 1/2 - 8 hours) is essential for me, and as much as I can I try to set my week up under that foundation. Yeah, sleep really is fundamental, in the same way as breathing and drinking water, and I believe it should be treated with at least the same amount of respect. It essentielly determines the quality of your day, and over the long term, the quality of your life. On that note; I really have to sleep right now, lolz. The writing-and krav maga classes were nice, as they usually are. I like the complete contrast between those, and honestly all of my activities. (showing the world you can be a book nerd and be able to kick people's ass at the same time) Oh right. Sleep. Peace and good night. (Probably sounds weird to all americans for whom it's bright day atm, but hey. You can take a nap or smth)

Barging in here: I lol'd a little when reading about you falling asleep at random times (during meditation, living room.) It planted a funny picture in my head. You really seem to be on the right path, and equipped with the right mindset. Also, I think it's great of you to constantly write your goals for the day or the following day; something I wish I did but I'm too lazy to do it. Good luck in moving forward!

Day 18: Writing the # of days is cool and all, but it feels kinda silly for me, since it's been quite a while since gaming was the main focus of my life (I've only been gaming for around 8 days out of the previous 95 or smth). But nvm, it feels good, so I'll keep doing it. (And it's not like I can't relapse at any moment. Like now. ...or now.) Today was better than yesterday, which is probably because of more sleep. (I've found that my mood is closely (like, really closely) correlated to the amount of sleep I get. 9 hours or more; I'm unstoppable, nothing is impossible, I can almost fly. Less than 9 hours (or, gods forbid, less than 8); kill me please. Alright, it's not that bad, but you get the point. Hence why I'm really careful with my sleeping patterns and stuff (although school and life gets in the way more often than I'd like). I've been thinking, and I feel like I should pick up my writing for real. I have a good idea for a novel (with good I mean: I would like the read it myself), but I do not really know how to turn it into a novel. (Ofcourse, by writing, but there's more to it than that. If I get halfway into it and it suddenly doesn't make sense I would have to do it all over again, and I don't want that.) I do have alright writing habits though; I write here and in private, and lately I've been getting close to 1000 words every day (probably bcz I'm spamming this forum. Sorry ). I also attend a writing course once a week (something I started recently), so I have someone to ask all my questions. If I do write a book, it will most likely be a dark fantasy/young adult kind of book (you know the deal; morally flawed main characters, psychiological twists and turns), simply because that's what I find interesting. I hate books about perfect, idealistic characters that fart butterflies and puke rainbows, stories where everything is fine in the end. Scratch that, I don't hate them, if I did I would have nothing to read, but they get dull after a while (a while being +1000 books read). The few odd ones out are refreshing, and I hope mine would be aswell. Now I'm off to the previously mentioned writing class, and after that it's time for krav maga. I apologize for the lack of deep, philosophical thoughts lately, that well is dry at the moment. I'll be back with those later. Peace, and have a great day! TLDR: Me getting serious about my ambitions. Also declaring my love of sleep.

I'll just barge in here without respect for a moment; I don't know if you've read it already, but if you haven't you should read The Slight Edge. Even if you feel like you lack time (which you probably do; I can't even imagine rasing a child), there's always time for a few small (almost insignificant) positive actions every day, and eventually, they'll add up. These actions depend on what result you want, but whatever they are, you just have to keep doing them, give them time, and suddenly progress has been made. Good luck, and ^ have faith!

Well, this is what matters.

That sounds really inspiring. Having a big project to work on brings a special excitement to life, and this is something that will help you in the long run too, so that's an extra plus. (I think I might steal your idea and do something similar for myself, hehe.)

Good job starting the journal (which honestly might be the single most important thing for your sucess in quitting). It seems like you're handling things well, and that's awesome (I loved the feeling I got right after quitting; like a breath of fresh spring air after months of dark and cold winter), but (spoiler alert) it will get hard sometimes, and it's important you know what to do when it does (e.g. Flee from the house, write here on the forum). About the job part; I'm a firm believer that you should do what you love and disregard things like pay or status, since ultimately, these won't bring you happiness. But ofcourse, even if that sounds romantic and idealistic, you can't eat happiness, or buy clothes for your children with it. So if you think you'll really lack money when becoming a pastor you might wanna consider if there's some economically rewading project you can do on the sidelines for more money, or dismiss that option completely. (I'm no expert on the subject, since I'm just 18 and still in high-school (the swedish equivalent) , so actually, you probably shouldn't listen to me at all, lol) The own-business thing is cool, but it's pretty tough, from what I've heard. You should ask Cam about that! (Read above; I do not know this stuff) I'll be following your journal, so I'll be here if you wanna discuss something. (From time to time, atleast; since I'm a selfish bastard I mainly lurk over at my own journal, but eventually, I venture out to explore other parts of this place) Good luck for now!