Fern

Hey guys, I'm still gaming-free, but after some thought have realized that I'm currently spread a bit thin between volunteering, work, hobbies, and keeping up with multiple recovery communities. Respawn was a great help for me and so was keeping this journal, but as I already keep a nightly personal journal this is one of the things that I've chosen to cut to achieve better balance. I'm really appreciative of everyone who commented/posted/helped me along the journey to where I am now. I'm going to continue to work at staying game-free and hope you all do as well, thanks!

Day 45 Working on doing the next right thing today, taking each thing one at a time. Getting quite a bit done this way - cleaned the garbage can out really well, got some paperwork done. Next up is turning in another project I completed to get another work thing off the to-do list. I'm thinking of going back to school for Nursing, not 100% sure yet though. I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself, so currently focusing on looking into the high school courses I'd have to retake first to meet pre-requirements.

Day 43 Had a great meditation yesterday evening. I had gone down to 10 minutes instead of 20 in the evenings for a while, but last night decided to try bumping it back up to 20. There were a few restless moments but I made it through the entire 20 minutes without checking the time. I live near some pretty gardens so I meditate there, and the wind blew through the trees and plants and made a really relaxing sound. Today I completed a project that I've been putting off for a while. I'm in the situation again where I bunch of work came in at once, and now that there's so much to do I have the urge to freeze. Instead of freezing I'm going through the work pile one piece at a time and getting it done that way, not looking at the full amount all at once, which is helping. I've had some new ideas for work that I feel passionate about and want to start on, but first I need to finish my current projects and make a full plan.

Day 42 Having a good day. There was a small arts festival downtown so I stuck around after volunteering longer than normal to enjoy. I ended up finding a really nice vintage clothing store, so I'm glad I stayed and adventured a bit. Didn't buy anything as I'm trying to stick to my budget, but I'll probably use my monthly spending allocation there next month I'm continuously improving in Martial Arts gradually, I think at first it was really hard for me because the all the 'easy wins' in gaming made sticking to anything difficult well... difficult. Today at home I did all the first three forms I'm working on by myself without any guidance, and it felt really good to hit a new stage of progression in something real. Now hopefully I don't just freeze when I have to do the forms in front of everyone to advance. I'm going to keep practicing at home to really get the movements ingrained in my muscle memory so even if I get a bit of panic when doing them in front of a group I'll be able to move through it.

Day 41 Sorry about the gap in posting, was really busy for a bit. Both of my volunteering commitments started up around the same time so I was doing some frantic juggling until I settled in to the new amount of things I'm doing. During my away time I stuck to no-gaming, proud of that since there were some rough spots with stress. I did rework my schedule though to have set days for heavy work as opposed to doing medium work seven days a week. I'm hoping it'll help me feel less stressed and encompassed by my job to have multiple days off from work in a row. I realized that I also check my e-mail for work notifications way too much as well, so doing that less is something I'm currently focusing on.

@Simon E thanks for the support, you were right about the cravings they were rough for a couple of days but then starting yesterday they've gone away again. Reading what you said really helped me remember they're temporary and get me through the last of it though Day #33 Pulled myself out of my slump by writing and getting myself to martial arts class. Writing was day before yesterday, and it was difficult since I have a lot of things to face that feel like they want released by writing, and there's this fear of like... potential overwhelm if I let that happen, I guess? And then of course the fear I always have with any writing that is expressive/artistic which is that I fear it will just be crap I read some of 'Art & Fear' which has been on my shelf for months and it got me writing anyways though, and I feel MUCH better after letting some of whatever it was go. Then yesterday was martial arts, I'd just taken a week off so it was intimidating to go back, but everyone was pleased to see me and even though the session kicked my butt it was in a good way, and I feel great today after getting the good exercise in. I'm really thankful today and have a lot of gratitude for all these new opportunities I'm finding for expression and growth, and also all the people I'm meeting on these new paths. I think gaming for so long from 19-25 stunted my self-discovery quite a bit so this is a time where that growth and discovery is now happening. It's a bit scary feeling sometimes but also feels just like... really mind-opening and expansive in a good way.

Day #31 Woke up at 2AM with intense gaming urges. Breathed through it and fell back asleep. Woke up this morning with some leftover urges still hanging around but I'm accepting that they're here without acting on them and focusing on what I need to do today. I'm trying a new thing where I keep loose track of how I spend my time throughout the day in my journal, and its helping quite a bit so far in that I tend to stay more on task and focused on positive things because I don't want to have to note down that I spent hours just wandering around the internet or watching Netflix.

The song is great, I don't think it's stupid at all and the lyrics are really relatable. Congrats on running the half marathon, that's a big thing!

Day #29 Getting things sorted out, had a big work project that I managed to finish in two days, so now I'm just editing it before delivery. It feels really good to have accomplished something big in a short amount of time. In the past when gaming I would have procrastinated a lot more than I did with this one and it would have taken me much longer than one weekend. Almost at one month in and I'm starting to feel so solid positive changes.

Thanks @Manun, that was a big help to read today. I enjoy trying new recipes so I might try that next time I go shopping for cooking ingredients Day 24 Yesterday was a really great day, but I think I may have actually pushed too hard as I didn't have much energy left today and had some anxiety waves hit. I'm proud though because I still took care of the things I was supposed to regardless of the anxiety and fatigue. I know as I keep going doing more will get easier, just to take it a day at a time and learn as I go. Journaling has been really good for learning from my days to improve gradually.

I have to use some social media, mainly twitter, to network/advertise for my job. Even with that though, I really dislike it and use it for the minimum time possible, since it does have that similar feeling for me as well - just mindlessly waiting and checking back for that little 'reward' or distraction with someone liking or reblogging, or whatever while real life still goes on unattended. I still use Facebook but only for the messenger to stay in touch with close friends and family since I currently live pretty far from home. Reddit can be useful but it's so easy to slip into just clicking around on it or getting too into making posts just for upvotes or to get that false affirmation that can come with certain online interaction. I still use Reddit, but have a lot of subs filtered out and only subscribe to ones that are relevant to positive life change/interests/career. Cold Turkey is a nice app to use for monitoring yourself or even making it so you can't access those sites at certain times, it's helped in working out what healthy social networking looks like for me.

Congratulations on one week! Sounds like you're really thriving with this positive change

Day #22 Today I had a lot of emotion come up, like about not feeling fulfilled by my job and my current life path, and realized that a large part of why I don't try to change that is because I'm very afraid to fail. I think a key part of staying off games for me is going to working at confronting that fear and building a life that gives me more purpose and is fulfilling. Haven't been watching the Respawn vids lately since I've been telling myself I 'don't have time'. Well, I reflected on how I use my time, and honestly it's not in a very organized way. I tried to do the method of scheduling blocks of time for activities but fell off with that when I hit my depression downswing. I still haven't gamed, but would like to also be able to say that I'm improving in time management and life in general. Then again to no be too negative, I should also focus on good things I did today, like a good 20 minute meditation, healthy connection with my partner, and cooking healthy dinners two nights in a row. Tomorrow is a new day to get back at it with improving my time management.

Day #20 Sticking to it. Installed Cold Turkey and blocked all gaming sites, and anything related. My partner has also stopped and installed Cold Turkey as well, so that makes it easier. There was a scary few weeks where they were slipping back into gaming really deep, so I'm glad that they're trying to come out of it too. Currently I'm doing alright, been staying active. My depression/anxiety runs a bit cyclical for me with hormones though (won't go into detail about my lady issues, don't worry!) and currently those problems are starting to roll back around. I'm trying to stay on top of it this time, found myself doing less each day so today I made a point out of taking small steps against the depression by cleaning the kitchen and answering emails I let build up, as well as trying to re-frame anxious and illogical thoughts with positive and logical ones. My anxiety got quite ahold of me to the point where I was googling about stuff that freaked me out/health stuff (never a good idea, I know) but before the end of today I did catch that and pull myself out of it by going outside for a meditation/photography walk. My volunteering and some community courses I'm taking on writing start next week, so my brain shouldn't have so much free time to think silly things once I"m busier again.

Day #17 Today had ups and downs with life, but not many bad urges. Busy days and meeting new people/growing my range of experiences really seems to be helping. Always on top of it anyways though, saying positive thoughts about wanting a better life without gaming every morning and night, meditating, reading. Trying something new with time management tomorrow, will see how it goes.