Pochatok

Day 42. Yesterday did not go well in some ways (and wonderful in others). Let's discuss, as a lot of things are on my mind. First, I am likely not feeling well mentally, and trying to numb something with excessive social media usage that has been happening this week. I do not like it. In the morning, I spend quite a bit of my time checking twitter, and it gives me absolutely nothing- no connection, no meaningful news, no satisfaction. Can I not make myself happy? What is preventing myself from making better decisions? I will shedule a therapy session at my school right now. Done! But I also got distracted again for 3 minutes on social media. These distractions are becoming very regular. Another frustration is lack of motivation/effort for more rewarding tasks like exercising, art, or music. I am overfocusing on the "important" things, and they cause me stress, with which, in turn, I am not dealing properly with. I think I am stuck in a frustration loop at the moment. --- took about an hour to work --- Ope and it's been a much better time! Honestly, I feel like I this is a better journal format: to keep this tab open all day and slowly add to it bit by bit. I've done a lot of small things here and there and now it's time for lunch. I still feel like I am putting off the larger projects, which is frustrating, but I am getting work done. After Lunch I will absolutely need to work on the larger things! I hope to continue lessen my bad habits, bit by bit. I need to seek overall improvement, and watch out for triggers. I've heard that it is not very beneficial to rely on trigger preparedness/avoidance because often there is so many that you cannot control them all, but at the moment there are only two, and I feel like controlling them is possible. Let's try it out. Po

Day 40! Honestly, it seems odd that it only has been this much time since I have stopped gaming. I guess that a lot has happened in a short amount of time. However, I am glad I am not gaming. Yet, I should focus more on lessening my bad habits; I still have a lot. Journaling I know that self-improvement can lead to a lack of satisfaction in myself and poor self-esteem. Yet, I also cannot deny that the bad habits I have are daunting me and impact my well-being. Reminder: I am not striving for perfection, I am striving for less unwanted negativity in my life. Today there was a social incident, and I totally saw it coming, but did not prevent it since nobody besides me had that gut feeling. This was, perhaps, a herd mentality incident, but I still fell guilty. I do have the capacity to act right in a situation like this, but I did not trust myself enough. I need to believe my inner feelings because there is no way to test if I am right or wrong without doing what feels right. This ain't math, where I can easily check if my gut is giving me the right nudges; this is my identity vs everyone else. And that's okay, that noone sees what I see- because they aren't me. I need to remember that when it comes to more difficult, confusing situations, I need to trust myself, as long as in case I am wrong nothing is gonna explode. Other than that, I have been having some struggles with staying motivated and focused this week due to gaming news all over the place. It has been very frustrating at first, but I am surprised and excited to be having it under control. Today I stayed focused when I needed to, besides a few times when I could have been doing something else, but did not have to. My biggest worries: I just relapsed with porn again, and it is very frustrating. It is happening less and less frequently, but it is happening. Not improving with my lack of body and mind awareness. I keep slipping and losing time because of this a lot, but I am not doing much work to stop it either 😕 Being too overwhelmed with all the work I have to do and preventing myself from getting things done right. I do have a lot on my plate, and I should make good decisions to empty my plate without spilling anything. My biggest goodies: I am doing pretty well as an employee! Got compliments here and there, feels nice. Social improvements have been made. I am in a better place with my partner and with other folks in general, as well. I have started cooking on campus, yay! Hope to have enough time for this in the future Other than that, it's been a slightly overwhelming day. I hope to continue improving on the things I see as problematic, and avoid failing the things I am doing well. \ Let's not lose my mind, Po

I completely relate! For me, the issue is not so much escapism as being unable to focus on what I am doing/being against my own will. Constantly thinking has led me to be unable to enjoy my favorite activities and hobbies, as I could not get my mind to relax and stop processing everything around me. Do you have any tips on solving this issue? I'm very curious to hear how you are/will be dealing with this. Po

Day 37. Felt like it's been a minute. Tomorrow is 2 year anniversarry with my partner. I am excited and nervous- I hope that our humble expectations will be met, and that we will manage to not argue for the whole day lol. Journaling Something that has been bothering my partner quite a bit and causing a lot of frustration in our relationship is my tendency to overfocus on stuff. I often zoom in while doing an activity (working, being on social media, shopping) to a point where I cannot hear people around me much. My partner gets severe anxiety over calling me/my name out loud in public mulptiple times, and so it turns into a catch-22. I do not notice that I cannot hear my partner, and they cannot call me louder. I have been, for awhile, seeing this as a good habit- it helps me get things done fast, since I can focus very well. But I have been overlooking the downsides for too long, and not doing enough to moderate this subconscious habit of mine. It is damaging my relastionships, and I need to learn how to zoom in a bit less. Gaming-wise, I have been pretty distracted this week, but I think it is not eating too much of my time. I still feel like I am being highly productive and staying on top of most of my deadlines. I do have urges to play games, but I understand too well at this point that gaming does not give me the satisfaction and joy my brain is craving. I need to work on the real world around me rather than getting lost in the virtual environments. My biggest worries: Relationship with my partner continuing to be this frutrating and exhausting. We argue every day, and though our arguments resolve quickly and resolve well, it is not fun. I want us to get over it soon. I'm feeling nostlagic about our early stages a couple years ago, and how conflict-free they were. Not liking this ._. Me reversing my progress on porn and social media that I have been lately (slowly) making. I am very tired of going in loops. I want to end these habitual patters. Not doing proper resting. I still am pretty bad at finding moments for stillness and spirituality. Instead, I just tune into social media. No likey! My summer projects concluding unfinished, cuz that's the way it is going at the moment 😞 My biggest goodies: I have been practicing more consistently and positively. Every practice session feels like a step in the right direction My job is a bit more relaxed, and I feel like I am doing well at it. My partner suggested to move around furniture in my room, and though it was very exhausting, it made a huge improvement! It feels cozier, with less verticality and more sunlight. Still feeling exhausted af but I did the deed at least~ Have a good day, kind reader! Po

Day 29. I am being distracted by gaming news at the moment, and really want to refocus and make the most out of this day. Let's check in! Journaling The last few days have been tough as I am moving back onto campus, and a lot of my activities are starting up, and starting up fast! My 20hr/week job has taken over 25 hours of my time in the first two days lol (but it should calm down next week). Being all by myself is increasing my feeling of loneliness, though I understand that it is false; my partner is 5 minutes away, and there are people right next door. I am not alone, not unless I am trying to be. This stress has impacted how much I am on my phone and on porn sites, and I am getting it back under the control atm. I do feel like I am not improving at all sometimes, though I do know that to not be true; I am making progress, even if small. I think I need to work more on my boundaries and self-control to avoid future relapses. I need to learn better discipline, in the right way. My biggest worries: Continuing to not be able to act properly when I am heavily stressed (you know, the HALT thing?). I lose a lot of time by not dealing with stress properly Not being able to manage all my responsibilities and duties at the 6 positions I am currently holding. Ughhh so many! I've been having frustrations with my partner, and we are having difficulties resolving them. I am worried things will not improve soon. My biggest goodies: I am doing well on my positions so far- I am putting in good effort and enough time. Hope to keep it up My dorm room looks so pretty! I have never cared enough before to decorate my living space, but it does make a difference- I like being where I am right now. I have had an amazing, beautiful dream about nuclear disaster- sometimes I wish I could photograph my sleep lol. I was very sad to wake up haha I am feeling better now! Let's stay focused and avoid getting on twitter for the next forty minutes 🙂 Have a great day! -Po

Day 22. I felt like journaling earlier and had this page open all day. Why not? Journaling I think that at times of high stress I see this place as a potent solution to my distress. Today I realized this way of thinking, and how false this belief is, too. Often, i open up GQ and simply browse other people's posts for 10-20 minutes; another way to numb myself, not reflect, this seems to be. Even journaling itself in this way is not a good way to reflect; voicenote or writing on paper is much more profound, imo. GQ is really a platform to share conclusions, not so much to find them via reflecting. My biggest worries: not getting my present for 2 year anniversarry with my partner done on time aah my family getting more issues once i leave (cuz school starts for both me and them) getting behind on important job responsibilities (there is suddenly a lot of things picking up, and I'm worried I'll drag behind cuz it's a large workload) the weather is disgusting again; hot and very humid; everyone in my family is highly inactive and sweaty, ew My biggest goodies: I passed my driving test on the first try, yay! Barely though, heh my parter and my sister are both back home; the family is reunited! Feels both good and odd to be back together, it's been a few months and things are, as always, a bit different I've been slightly better at refraining from social media; there has been a surge lately, which is actually what caused my stress today! This is it for today, trynna stay alive! Hope to feel better next week, the weather is really killing everyone at my house 😞 Po

Oh, this is super awesome, thank you so much for sharing! Po

Good luck with getting another job! Quality of workspace is very important to me, too, and I try to avoid as much as possible to have to work with people who do not communicate well. I'm currently switching up jobs because of this too, and so is another family member, believe it or not lol. Hope you can find a place which will ensure growth and communication, Po

Ohhh, I feel the same way so often! My overall mood just plummets for (seemingly) no reason at times, and it's quite difficult to pinpoint why exactly I feel that way, but sticking to some sort of routine when that happens has been helpful, too. Focusing on some simple physical activity like washing dishes or chopping wood for the fireplace helps me listen to my body better, and that, in turn, helps me figure out if there is any physical discomfort when I'm feeling depressed, such as being thirsty.

Day 15! Simply wanted to journal because I am going through a high amount of stress and this is a helpful activity. Journaling I've had an incredibly joyful Monday- met up with a friend and my high school ex to play some board games. I have not seen them in over 1.5 years, and it was incredibly good in so many ways to just spend some time with them again. And it feels good to feel comfortable around my ex; hope she feels comortable around me too. Tuesday was a bit more difficult- I've had a lot of anxiety about not sticking to my to-do list and doing other things instead. This prevented me from being very effective, and from enjoying certain activities. However, I did get quite a bit of good things done, and watched a really interesting movie with my Family (American Beauty). Today has been okay! I nearly relapsed with porn, and was a bit more distracted by social media than usual, but have gotten a lot of things done. I'm looking forward to some more personal acitivities in the 2nd half of the day, and hope that I'll be able to get enough of the more urgent things done, too. My biggest worries: not getting smaller, personal things done on time like making presents for my partner (same as last week) being too tired to stay self-aware and relapsing with porn or just wasting time in other ways spilling out anger/frustration/agression on my family members My biggest goodies: I am being more relaxed with my schedule- not super on top of everything, but getting the right things done, on time I am practicing trombone regularly! though there isn't really a good reason to, I just enjoy it, and it will give me some goodies later on; it is important The weather is much nicer, and that impacts my motivation greatly- I want to rest less, and work more (even when I am outside in the sun) That's all I have at the moment. Thank you very much for reading, you are awesome! Po

Doing well! Day 12, I guess? Journaling The last few days have been a large improvement in minimizing all of my bad habits: I stopped checking twitter every day in the morning, watching Youtube for 30+ minutes per day, scratching my head and face, and have overall been more proactive. Definitely feeling better- I think these things were numbing my loneliness (which is hitting up now, bleurgh). Fortunately, I am hanging out with friends tomorrow, and a week from then my sister, and then my partner, are both coming home. Yay yay! Can't wait to play board games with everyone and watch stupid movies and all that. Working has been good- I've got to do some Art-related things, both for recognition and for $$$, and overall there is a lot of variety amongst my tasks. I really want the in-person jobs to start sooner though, I've been doing things online for way too long. My biggest worries: not getting smaller, personal things done on time like making presents for my partner. getting more sad and facing all the drawbacks from that. my hangouts getting cancelled! My biggest goodies: I am on top of my schedule. Even when I do not get everything done, the day goes by quickly but memorably. I have been gettinng up felling not very sad or angry! I can actually think of a few things to look forward to as soon as I wake up. Summer is coming to an end, and this has been one of my overall happier summers! Thinking of it right now does not make me happy lol, but it certainly will once it's officially over! That's all for now, thank you so much for reading! Have an awesome weeeeeek Po

Glad you're getting back on the path so quickly! Good luck, uni can be stressful at first.

Woah, congrats on getting this far! Super happy that you're able to close this chapter! Looking forward to hearing more from you in the future, and good luck with everything else that will be coming into your life 🙂

Today was pretty fine- I was super productive, and got most of the stuff on my to-do list done. Yet, I am not feeling happy at all. For some reason, there is a build up of anxiety and frustration that I am sensing; I wish I could tell where this is coming from. My current attempts to fix this include: Watching lots of relaxing youtube videos. Being more productive Not doing anything while eating Doing things while eating Drinking lots of water Not exercising much like I would usually Not talking to my partner all that much Not spending a lot of time resting on my own/meditating Welp, I think I can tell what's wrong with my coping methods lol. Gonna try to focus on consistency and better habits tomorrow. What has helped a lot today was listening to some older, more experienced people share their wisdom. Gonna start taking notes on those vids tomorrow heh, no point in keeping it all inmy head cuz I'm forgetful. Some of the things I learned: Pay attention to the process, but have a clear endgoal in mind- why am I doing what I am doing. Without purpose, the process falls apart. If I am not feeling well, then I must try extra hard to not fall into bad habits, since they make me feel worse in the long run and only worsen the problem. Journal, journal, journal! Allow myself time and space whenever possible- even if I cannot actually document my thoughts, time for stillness is key. Be a rolemodel even when no one is watching, because all I do is interconnected- a truly good rolemodel does things well when noone is looking. Start my grind with the thing I am the least excited about- or otherwise I will never get it done. It is easy to find time for things I enjoy. When unsure why I am doing something, or having difficulty focusing, stop and rethink the purpose of the activity. Don't think about what my bad habits are bad, but what my life would look like without them; build purpose around the bad habit by imagining a better future. Keep this going! It is important to recap what I learn every day, even if it is very little. Thank you 🙂 Po

Brief thought: I have an annoying tendency to make mistakes when I do not need too so I can simply "feel through" the outcome. When it comes to gaming, I often think "playing games again will not make me feel any better", but then I proceed to play anyways simply so I can prove myself right (and I do, bah). There are many other areas of my life where I fail just so I can push myself through it and "learn" from it, when I can simply avoid the failure in the first place. I am not exactly sure where and why this is coming from, but this thought has been looming over my head all day today.

Journal Entry! Starting over no games counter, just for fun: Day 2 Reflection on games: Have decided to uninstall the game yesterday morning. I feel like I only experience positive feelings from playing if I play once every, uhhh... 5-6 months? I might play again sometime in the future, perhaps during Winter Break, but until then I do not feel like this is a good way to spend my time. Playing just for ten minutes yesterday, I did not experience excitement, but rather stress as I was trying to progress through the game. Sure, there were some interesting, fun parts, but it did not feel meaningful. I do not like to play games that ask me for a lot of time. I like games where I can feel joy and excitement right away, without having to put in "work". Minecraft is probably one of those games, for its amazing terrain generation, but I don't feel like installing it lol. Reflection on my current state of mind: This is the reason I felt like journaling in the first place! I am feeling rather odd today, with a lack of energy for doing household-related activities. I only washed the dishes twice, barely vaccumed, and cleaned up once. The days before, I'd do far more by this point in time- the day isn't over, so I still have time to get into that! And, I have not been able to stay focused in general and am not remembering very well what I did for some parts of the day. I know I watched some Youtube videos for about 30 minutes, but other than that, I have not been surfing the internet much; yet I feel like I've lost hours of time today for some reason. This feeling is really getting down on me and my posture- I am acting as if I am tired, though I am not feeling exhausted. It's annoying. Perhaps, there is something that is preventing me from being more energetic and efficient today... Maybe, it's: Foggy, cold weather today and lack of natural ligting in the house Watching a kind of tough and sad and complicated scene in a TV show Waking up late Having a loooong to-do list hmmm, I see that all of these are more or less factors outside of my control- and if I would find more, would I really know if that is the cause? Perhaps, instead of thinking back on what caused this odd feeeling today, I should think forward on how to make myself feel better, and focus on being productive. I do still have a lot of things to det done today, I should stop avoiding some of the tasks! Ahhh, I still have not created a routine for days like this; a list of things that can make me feel better would be essential. Welp, will try to do that tomorrow! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Po

I hope that you'll get better once the school starts; I felt a similar way too in the months leading up to my 1st year, but once it kicked in- I've been having the (social) time of my life ever since. Glad to hear that you are feeling much better than usual though, and that you were able to hit that point so soon after quitting gaming again 🙂 Wish you good health in the coming months! Hmmm, have you ever seen this video? It has helped me learn to enjoy leisure more and focus less on chasing progress/improvement within myself so much. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEz7oJy37lI Cheers! Po

heh, it's interesting that you associate this with gaming! I've been on many other online forums before and this is a common feature to me, but I see where you are coming from. Perhaps it could be made optional to display... maybeeee @Cam Adair???

Hmmm, I think I might be on that journey as well. I think that I decided to revisit actually playing video games as I am still struggling to let go completely of video games in some ways. At the moment I feel like I am gaining a better understanding of what gaming means to me, and how my relationship with it was in the past, and what I want it to be now. A few months ago I was in a situation where I reconnected with my ex, and it was actually very awesome to revisit the relationship I used to have with them and the ways I thought of it; I've realised that many of my views were incorrect, and think much warmer of my ex now, and feel comfortable around them. Either way, I feel like there are so many more things I now value in life that I do not want to game for more than 10 minutes a day. And, my mindset has changed enough so that I can actually do leisure activities only for as long as they are enjoyable. Thank you so much for checking in, I've missed reading your new journal entries. Hope to read more of them soon @Average_Guy cuz you're so awesome and your life is so interesting to me!!! Po

Heyo! This turned out to be not exactly true- I have been playing about 15-30 minutes both yesterday and today. Though games certainly aren't super fun for me anymore, I do find them enjoyable in very short amounts. I've thinking a lot about my feelings of guilt and discomfort when gaming, and how those were largely caused by my self-shaming from my unsuccessful quitting attempts. I'm guessing that if I were to learn to actually enjoy gaming without feeling down, I would have a more halthy relationship with them. I've been looking at my other leisure activities, and they are not much different from gaming in their purpose- they help me relax my body and refocus my mind, and they teach me various things. Those activities are primarily being outside, reading, watching TV shows and listening to music. Though I believe gaming to be the least beneficial of them, it is probably the one that lets me relax and relief stress the most. I think this is the reason I am not interested in playing more than 10-15 minutes per day: though today I played about 20 minutes, the last 5-10 were giving me some anxiety and stress. I think that I am at a point in life where I finally can easily notice when an activity stops being enjoyable and turns into a stressfull one. However, there is still some work to do on how self-aware I am when doing such activities, and how quickly I can act accordingly to mitigate stress. It is exciting to finally be having a healthier relationship with leisure and gaming in general. I've never been able to enjoy my life as much as I do now. Will recap the week a bit later 🙂 Thank you for reading, and let me know what you think of my thoughts- do you think that it is best to keep gaming out of my life completely (and why, if so), or is moderation possible and beneficial? Po

Ohhh, this is a very frequent situation for many people on the forum, including me. I think it's really tough to quit gaming when you are in the wrong environment. Something that was helpful for me was to change where my gaming PC was located at- instead of keeping it in my room, in private, I moved it up into the guest room, and my urges have been much weaker since! Have you thought of simply moving into a different area into your house, or completing certain activities in a different place? My dad, for example, from time to time leaves the house and works at the library to be less distracted by food, kids, and facebook lol.

I think that's a good idea! I also shared my gaming PC with other people in the family (and games as well). For me, deleting all my progress completely in all my games, and uninstalling those that only I played was helpful, though I am not sure how possible that is for you. I recommend going ahead and trying what you suggested, and we shall see how well that works!

Hi! Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable on this forum; I really appreciate it, and it is helpful to have a more complete overview of who you are and what your situation is. I think that for many of us here, including me, gaming is a way to numb/reduce stress that comes from social anxieties and challenges. I hope that you will be able to continue to post on this forum, interact with other folks on here, and overcome gaming and the things that caused your addiction 🙂 What have you thought of doing to help you fight against your addiction? Do you have any other forms of support outside of this forum? Have you tried to quit before? Welcomeee to GameQuitters :>>>>> Po

Other than that, it has been a costly built enjoyable first trip abroad on my own! There have been some mistakes made, for sure, but I've made a lot of wonderful memories and pictures with my partner, and am very happy that this trip has happened. Cuz there ain't much happening for the rest of the summer besides work anyways, heh. Here is a pic from the trip:

A brief reflection about two weeks past my last relapse: To recall the experience itself, it was rather unpleasant, as I certainly had some better things to do since it was my sister's birthday lol. Though I do enjoy gaming, and find value in some of it- it can be inspirational, stress-relieving, and blah blah blah, all of those things can be gained through other ways, without me necessarily gaming. During the trip, I really enjoyed reading some video game lore and development process, and that was honestly a better experience than gaming itself. I think that someday I would certainly enjoy to work on a game, but that is not nearly the same as just playing one simply because I am bored. I think that I want to keep away from gaming for the rest of the summer, and instead keep thinking of the other things I want/have to do, because it is always a list too long, and I never have truly enough time. I think that certain games are inherently appealing to me as an artist, but I need to continue to remember and explore more the concept that experiencing a game and playing it are not the same thing. I enjoy games, but not playing them.