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Pochatok

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  1. Day 1 again- relapsed yesterday, multiple times. While my preferences for content are changing for the better, I need to simply stop. Again, I must stand by my goals more deeply- it's too easy to forget. If I want to live in the world of my dreams, I must change. If I want to be free, I want change. Every time I have an urge to relapse, I will remind myself of the two statements above. Is it worth to override them yet again? After all, how do I know that today is not my last day on Earth? Tomorrow is not granted. I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, gaming, and any other forms of escapism. I am in tune with myself. ❤️ Let's go again.
  2. Alright, let's get back into it, and w/ a strong identity recommitment first. It's never impossible to change. I am not a person who indulges in any of the following: - skin picking - any other physically harmful coping mechanism - gaming - social media as escapism, rather than learning - non-intentional learning of any kind (such as mindless reading, binge-watching, etc.) - pornography - any other emotionally harmful coping mechanism Why is that no longer me: I must pursue my goals. I know that the world needs me- the world as I want it to be will never, never happen if I do not make it myself. And I cannot get there w/out my 100%. It will take all of us- and I need to start with myself. I want a world where "work" is not a requirement for basic human needs, where has the capacity to be brave and do the hard thing, where there are no more (bullshit) jobs, where borders are a formality rather than barriers, where empathy and compassion is practiced more often than isolation and fear. If I do not quit gaming, I cannot teach myself to do the hard things. If I do not quit pornography, I will not live a life free of fear and isolation. If I continue to escape my physical, social, emotional realities in any way, I will never be able to change the world. I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, games, and any other forms of escapism. ❤️ Po
  3. Hey! That post is from over 3 years ago at this point- I have read countless books since, and am happy to share some favorites. - Courage to be Disliked (and the sequel, Courage to be Happy) - Parable of the Sower (and the sequel, Parable of Talents) - Dark New Age - Property Will Cost Us The Earth - My Black Friend and Other Strangers - Ecophobia Hypothesis - Rehearsals for Living - Beyond the Gender Binary Also, I understand why you no longer read books- it is very, very hard in the current digital landscape. I struggle with it too- it took me intentionally quitting most social media for many, many months (along with games, tv, comics, and many other forms of entertainment) to resume my relationship w/ reading in a sustainable and compassionate way. Let me know if you pick up any of these, they're all such wonderful reads ❤️
  4. A week out for a work trip! Incredible experience, but I came back and relapsed immediately. Starting over today- day 0. Why did the relapse happen: lack of intention, lack of reflection. I could have set myself up for success but instead set myself up for failure. I find myself going deeper and deeper into "unsuccessful" ways of living, even though my character is as strong as ever. I'm appreciated by everyone I meet, people enjoy me and my presence. I feel very secure and confident in myself. Yet... There is a clear lack of direction to my actions. I struggle to put simple acts together, feeling rather disoriented and easily distracted. I feel both at my highest and lowest at the same time. How do I move on from this? Tomorrow, i will reflect more on this issue. For now- I am trying my best to live. Thank you for following me along.
  5. Hey! I don't want you to give up on yourself. I'm always here for you- I want you to live a happier life.
  6. Thursday entry: Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day -- Friday entry: Day 2. I have been engaging in pornography, but in a very important manner that actually distances me from it. This is similar to how I engaged w/ games prior to quitting- by creating a different relationship that was not rooted in avoidance, escapism, and etc.. Once this was achieved, I no longer "needed" games, and therefore had an easier time quitting. I understand the risks of this approach, but am already feeling much better about it. It's a lot harder to rewire my relationship with pornography by quitting cold turkey. Instead, I need to kindly, patiently recreate my relationship so that it simply is no longer needed. Almost like saying goodbye to a friend with whom I need to part ways- be kind, compassionate, caring, yet firm. Not one step back here. I want to keep learning.
  7. ironically, my advice is rooted in compassion, but I believe it to be genuine advice. Stop comparing yourself to others. It's no use, and there is no greater enemy to your own freedom than social complacency/conformity. I know that you live in a Russian-speaking country, and understand that being in any way non-conforming is not an easy task. However, if you simply try to chase for becoming someone else, you will sacrifice your own priorities, opportunities, and uniqueness. Instead, make a plan that serves you first- whether that includes winning olympiads or not is up to you. But all these social achievements should not be a goal in itself. From my experience, once I was able to set goals that centered on my own needs and interests, I actually increased my achievements- my grades skyrocketed, and my skills in all areas of passion improved tremendously. But first, I had to do all of those things for myself. Not for the sake of achievement. Again, I understand that this is difficult for you given where you live. But, I still recommend doing what you can to avoid conformity as much as possible.
  8. Hey! Welcome, glad to have you here, and I look forward to seeing your journey!!! Po
  9. Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence... No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way. With that, I want to live by the following values today: - positive obsession // get things done - dreaming // see my path clearly - clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future - honesty // no lies to myself, or others - movement // do not stagnate, keep active Let's seize the day.
  10. Day 1 - all good. some urges, but I know better. Onwards. My values are: - greater purpose- to lessen unnecessary suffering of all those around me // - whole-wellbeing // i am my environment - deviance // conformity is a slow death - integrity // unbreakable commitments - discipline // nourish routines - visioning // chart ahead, do not stumble - presence // no passivity - compassion // always breathe w/ kindness - obsession // do not settle for effort - clarity // act decisively - determination // do not surrender With that, I regret that today's morning has been rather slow (yet fast-passing). I did not set goals early on, I did not have a clear routine in mind, I did not create plans. Instead, I ran in circles trying to find an immediate solution to a large set of issues. Zoom out. Take the time to take the world in. Do not escape, do not narrow my vision- do not relapse ❤️
  11. So, on Day 7- relapse. Did not set my values for that day, was two days journal-free, etc. . I am lacking a commitment to a stark routine, one that I will follow no matter what. Saturday, I simply forgot. Sunday, I spent all my day away from home. Still, I have such strong regret for relapsing. It is a significant hit to my values. I know I can do better. No more relapses. I want to be free- keep learning. I am missing a tremendous amount of discipline, commitment, and planning- and I am thankful to @Yan for helping me notice that. Onwards: My values are - whole-wellbeing (the combined health of community and myself) // as opposed to individualism - honesty, openness, and vulnerability - all interconnected and equally important // as opposed to closetedness - deviance // as opposed to conformity - integrity // as opposed to inconsistency - discipline // as opposed to discontinuity - visioning // as opposed to momentous - presence // as opposed to passivity - compassion // as opposed to apathy - obsession // as opposed to effort - clarity // as opposed to indecisiveness - determination // as opposed to inclination
  12. Interesting! I do not trust my yesterday self enough to set expectations for my today self. I tend to plan first thing in the day, but not overnight. I do set larger goals/dreams/systems overnight, but not the day-to-day actions. Just some thoughts- you're amazing ❤️
  13. My 2c on dieting: don't count calories, but commit to eating unprocessed, chemical-free foods. Yes, they're more expensive and give less "immediate" results. But everything, EVERYTHING else will result in significant health concerns later down the lane- decades later, but still. I remember keeping a complex diet in high school, when I was obsessed w/ growing muscle infinitely. Did I succeed? Yes. But I lost enjoyment in my meals and cooking, I lost that sacred connection to my inner digestion cycles (i.e. ate when I was not hungry) and I gained disdain for the very process of consuming food. Now, I have lost ~10lbs in muscle mass, but I feel so much fresher and at-home in my body. My food is a joy to both cook and eat. And, I eat foods that are beneficial to all of me, and when I am hungry- and therefore am at what I consider my "natural" weight. Some people would call that too lean, but it is what feels "right". I feel free, most importantly, of contemporary conventional beauty standards- and that on its own elevates my mental and social wellness to a whole new level.
  14. Hey! It's alright, your frustrations and fears are more than valid. It seems like you had a major disturbance to your plans, brought by things that are largely beyond your control. Be gentle w/ yourself- you're doing your best. P
  15. Day 5 - what a horrifying day to wake up to. I had a sleepover! Would not consider this a hook-up, but it also did not feel like any of my late-night romantic encounters (lol) before. There is a bit ball of feelings to untangle in regards to that experience. For now, I can say that I was not kind to myself, to my deeper dreams and aspirations, to my future self. I am sorry for letting you all down. My relationship with you is far more important than any other, and yesterday I pretended like that was not true. Doing what's "good in the moment" is a lie, because I hope to live another day. In fact, I hope to live for many, many days. I cannot, therefore, make decisions for the present w/out consideration for that. No more sacrifice zones! I will take good care of my future self. Perhaps I've not been connecting to them often enough. Po
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