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Average_Guy

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Everything posted by Average_Guy

  1. Day 19, September 2 Relapsed to PMO. I continued to look at video games videos and eventually wandered to Instagram or something. I wrote it all down in my journal last night. The cue, craving, response, and reward from it all. But, one thought has been going through my mind all day, and it's frustrating and kind of a victim-hood mentality, but the depression is driving me crazy. I was essentially free from video games for 3 or 4 years in total. I quit playing runescape in high school and it wasn't until I became very sick that I started playing again, as an escape. I have never been a depressed person in my life, I was always happy, optimistic, social, even through tougher challenges. When I look back at when I became very sick, I didn't realize how deeply depressed I was because I had never experienced it before. Not even the type of depression that comes from life not going your way, but a dark depression that stemmed from the depths of a body that was no longer functioning correctly. A depression that completely immobilized both my mind and energy. I'm just exhausted.
  2. Day 18, September 1 Thanks again for the comments, the support is helpful. I felt like I didn't have any willpower left last night. I hopped on discord and messaged an old friend I quit Runescape with. We chatted and I looked at some old Osrs (Oldschool Runescape) Youtube videos for a few hours. I also texted another friend that I used to play Osrs with. We all quit around the same time and both of them are doing really good right now. I talked about how I was struggling a bit, and that felt decent to get off my chest I think. I wanted to play just a bit, but more than anything I just wanted to escape the depression. I didn't give in though, and I plan to keep fighting this. I think one of the most important qualities as an adult male is the ability to endure adversity and not run from pain like I have for so long. Yesterday's fight was definitely a step in the right direction. I'm not sure what's sparked this inner resilience, but I just feel like I can't game anymore, I won't do that to myself, I don't need it anymore. Above almost all else is the fact that gaming is inextricably connected to PMO for me. Nothing makes me more frustrated, depressed, and halts almost all individual progress like PMO these days. I think that's the biggest reason I won't go back to gaming. I hate PMO.
  3. Day 17, August 31 Just got back in town from FL. I was able to be pretty productive and stick to my schedule, but I am having a bout of depression. Depression has been one of my triggers for gaming because it was something I couldn't escape. I think the grief I had the first couple weeks was just a precursor of this depression; I'm not sure how long it will last. I was able to keep it at bay when I was out of town, but it feels pretty overwhelming right now. Instead of gaming though, I hopped on my exercise bike and rode for a little while watching Netflix. But I am feeling very weak and vulnerable at the moment. It doesn't help that the depression makes everyday tasks 10x harder to do. @C_tail Thanks for the comment. I'm sure you know better than anyone how hard it is to fight addiction while fighting to heal your body. @AbjurationWizard For starters I've been into architecture recently, so I'd like to go back to school and finish that. But, I would like to attempt writing some fantasy essays. If I enjoy it enough, maybe I could attempt something bigger like a book. I've also enjoyed drawing and sometimes even painting, so those could be outlets for the fantasy world that I enjoy so much. I'll probably upload some art someday.
  4. Day 15, August 29 Just finished Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I’ve always been drawn to castles, wars, weapons, and magical stories. I remember in the 2nd grade I had two creative classmates and we were always drawing castles, architecture, dinosaurs and dragons. Ever since I started gaming at 11 or 12 I’ve been wired to consume other people’s stories and fantasy worlds, most prominently through computer games. And I still want to run back to those comfortable games where I was already the hero. Anyways, I read an email today from my alma mater on how a women has fought sex trafficking and was able to watch a girls life be rescued and healed before her eyes. It was just a small Op-Ed, but this story probably took over a decade to create. All this to say, I want to live my own story. I want to create my own worlds, my own hero’s, a feeling that’s been stifled for so long. Whether it’s through drawing, music, or writing, I’m not sure yet. But, this is want I want from life, a life of creation not consumption.
  5. It’s natural to feel that your best years are behind you, I feel the same way and I’m 28, how silly. In reality, I think our best years are in the future. It’s not so much about the ideal/typical ‘golden’ years, but how you live your life moving forward that could create some amazing years. We can always reflect on the past but never on what lies ahead. Time is a weird thing. I don’t know if you’ve heard of David Goggins, but he says that he’s more physically fit at 46 than he was when he was young and he was a Navy Seal. Age is just a number. Hope this helps, I’m trying to grasp it myself.
  6. You could go to a nutritional response testing doctor/chiropractor. I go to one and she test how my body handles certain foods all in one sitting without having to eat them or get shots or anything. It’s super interesting and it might be able to find what’s making your skin not as good as you want it to be. 🙂
  7. It’s pretty inspiring how long you’ve been fighting Gaming and steady on this journal. Like you, I’m also working on staying porn free. I’m rooting for you.
  8. Wow, pretty impressive that you didn’t completely give in. I’m sure you will bounce back in no time. Glad to have you in the community.
  9. Thank you. 🙂 Doing pretty good today. Honestly, I still think about gaming daily. But the withdrawal symptoms aren’t near as bad as they were. Eventually when I go back to college this winter, I’ll be busier and having more fun “hopefully” so I’ll rarely think about it. That’s the plan at least.
  10. Day 13, August 27 I’ve been vegetarian almost 3 months now, and I’ve just figured out that I need to balance out my macronutrients better. I would eat giant meals and still not be full. I think sometimes people don’t realize how good animal protein is at nourishing the body. I’ve only been a vegetarian because I have too much iron in my system and this is a way to help the body detox. I’ve also been trying to overcome a porn addiction. It’s crazy how something as small as looking at Instagram can spike dopamine in your brain and create massive urges. I’ve made a rule to only briefly look at Instagram when I make a post and I didn’t follow that rule for less than a minute and it almost led to a full blown relapse. Luckily I didn’t relapse, but it’s scary that that can happen.
  11. Stay away from sites like reddit or YouTube where you can endlessly wormhole and see more content. That usually leads to gaming content, etc.
  12. Day 11, August 25 Just touched down in Florida. I’ll be here for 6 or 7 days. Should be pretty easy to not game considering I don’t have a computer, but I’d like to keep working on creating good habits. Currently about to reread a summary of The Power of Habits. Hopefully I’ll gain some insight from that.
  13. I think what you're meaning to say is that you want or wish you could play Halo and Final Fantasy but you've already made the decision to quit video games. I've been in a similar situation where I yearned to play oldschool runescape again and wished that I could play again with a different account type. What I did to combat this was I wrote down, on paper or even on this forum, from start to finish what I would do in the game, why I was playing it, and how I would feel when I accomplished this/finished the game. I figured out that, just like my last play through, I dumped countless hours into this game and after beating it I felt empty and unfulfilled. From all the hours I played this one game, the memories are fleeting and wimpy compared to memories I've made with people in real life, that we can share with each other. Plus, once you've already seen the 'dark side' of what a video game addiction is, it's hard to play with a clean conscience. At least this is the case for me. If you do, you'll have to start over. It may seem unbearable, but as the saying goes: curiosity killed the cat. In this case, curiosity being the potential 'fun' you could have on these games.
  14. Day 10, August 24 Hello All, A while back I had a journal here where I attempted and failed to quit video games. I relapsed for about 14 or 15 months. It's hard to believe it's been that long, but thank God it's behind me. I learned one thing from it, I am not strong and we can be broken beyond comprehension. During this time I had extreme chronic fatigue, deep depression, liver issues, adrenal fatigue, and a respiratory virus, along with the fact that I couldn't find a doctor who knew how to fix my issues. At the time, video games felt like a necessary evil in order for me to get through the pain of each day with no hope in sight. In hindsight, I think I did what I had to do to get through that grim situation. However, now that I have finally found a doctor who's helping and curing me, I have learned that I am capable of enduring so much more than I thought; My bandwidth for how much I can tolerate has not only doubled, but tripled. Today is my 10th day that I have been free from video games and video game related content. Every single day I have had grief and sadness for most of the first couple hours I'm awake. I've been using 'time blocking' to help keep me busy and this has allowed me to stay pretty busy every day. It's a way to battle and plan for the future because I know I can't trust my wavering willpower day to day. Just wanted to say hello and that I'm starting up again, hopefully I won't have another health crisis like my last one for decades to come. But for now, out with the old, in with the new. Time to beat this addiction and reclaim a new, more happy and fulfilling life.
  15. 3/10/2019 - Day 30 Couldn't sleep last night. I felt pretty depressed and frustrated at the same time, like I'm stuck and can't do too much about it. Finally fell asleep right around 2 after going downstairs and chilling for a bit. The sermon this morning was something I needed to hear. It was about Psalm 38, which is about sickness and the human condition. I definitely felt a little comfort knowing that sickness is just part of the human condition, and it will exist as long as we are human (if that makes sense). Anyways, made it to day 30. Seeing the doc in an hour or so. Having a few unpleasant symptoms so I'm going to see if she can help me with those.
  16. @BooksandTrees . Oh Ya! I totally agree, I almost always try to say hi or nod in passing with most people, it's just a habit. But you can usually tell which guys objectify women and which guys don't, I just don't want to ever be one of those guys. That being said, I'm definitely more attracted to women who take care of themselves and work out too!
  17. 3/9/2019 - Day 29 Tomorrow will be day 30, which is another small milestone I have. Today though, I've had a little more energy than the last 7-10 days, which has been super nice. I also studied Japanese for the first time in over a week too, which was refreshing and fun. I worked out at the gym this morning, and wowzers, there were a lot of females around. But I will say that it feels good to not be one of those creepy guys who's always trying to sneak a look at the women, I definitely take pride in that. I got invited out to dinner by my aunt and uncle who I had dinner with last night which is nice. I guess you could say I feel a little validated, that I'm at least good company to be around. ? Other than that, it's just another day.
  18. I really enjoy reading your posts. I too struggle with PMO on top of video games, but it's encouraging to see your progress. Hope today is a good day for you.
  19. Ahh, I'm sorry that happened @TwoSidedLife. Those days are the hardest, when absolutely everything is boring. I had five or so days in a row like that, where even watching my favorite TV show bored me to death, I could barley get through five minutes of it. I don't have that much advice in this area for you, because I struggle with it too; It's extremely difficult. But it really helped to have a good book. Not a book that you would learn anything from, or a self help book, but a book that is purely for entertainment value. It helped pass the time like none other. If you need a suggestion, I loved the book Artemis by Andy Weir. It's a futuristic, adventure book involving a developing community on the moon. I couldn't put it down! Wishing you the best, I'm rooting for you!
  20. Just a few more thoughts.. (Also, pardon my language.) I've still been struggling with the thought of video games. I'm a pretty decent video editor and I was just given unlimited access to extremely expensive royalty free music a few days ago. The essence of a great video is the story, and I had a great story of working hard to gain skill in order to have fame and riches on OSRS. So I imagined myself making the amazing, high quality OSRS video content that would be consumed and loved. I visualized all the different songs and high quality edits I would use, and maybe I could make a living of that... But it's just a fantasy. I was just reading through the /r/nofap subreddit. I try not to get on reddit very much, but I just felt like reading it tonight. It made me remember why I started the no gaming journey. I am so fucking sick of being a slave to these fantasies. All they have done is tear me down and cause me to stumble. It's easy and comfortable in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things it only makes your life much, much harder. Which is why I'm not going to give in. I'm not going to let myself imagine making gaming content, it's just another mind game to get me to play. It's time to keep healing my mind, body, and soul. John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
  21. 3/8/2019 - Day 28 I just finished lunch with the HR director at my Uncles company. We had a great conversation, but she told me that there wasn't room for me to work there after they picked up a 3rd party to do the video editing for the company. I was actually completely fine with this and even prepared for that outcome. If anything, I'm excited because now I can look into different avenues of work which I'm probably more interested in. My cousin just got in town for a few days from college, so we're about to go to the gym, take a steam, then we're going to the movies with some other people tonight. We're going to see Captain Marvel which looks like it'll be pretty good! I like this idea! Thankfully I have a pretty full day today, but I will give it some thought and see if there's something I could do to challenge myself this week. Maybe I could write a review for Captain Marvel later tonight. ?
  22. 3/7/2019 - Day 27 Parents are going out of town for 5 days for the 3rd weekend in a row. The new medicine I've been prescribed will take a couple days to fully kick in. All last week felt like I was waiting for something to happen, and now I see myself once again waiting for results. It's like I'm being tested again, and it's taking a lot of patients and discipline, of which I feel like I don't have much. I am noticing some of my fatigue in the mornings going away, and it's a bit easier to get to bed at night which is a plus. I guess the plan is to continue to keep myself as busy as is possible when you live at home w/out a job. I'm hoping I'll get to go to work soon and hopefully that will be something I can sink more time and effort into. I had set my expectations pretty high for this week, so when it wasn't exactly met, I was a bit disappointed, which is my own fault. Idk, I have a lot of my mind.
  23. 3/6/2019 - Day 25 Welp, I've made it to day 25, and more specifically, to my much anticipated doctors appointment! I had a great conversation with her and she knew exactly what I was talking about. She gave me some new Chinese medicine which I will try out over the next few weeks, and I'm very optimistic that it will help with my Kidney problems. The kidney issue has been bothering me for the last 3-4 months, once it's taken care of we can go back to the normal treatment. But there will be huge benefits from focusing on this for a few weeks. Meeting with someone from a potential workplace on Friday. Big things to come I think.
  24. @JustTom You're right. But I also didn't explain myself well enough when I said.. I'm definitely not giving up if this doctor doesn't have a solution, I just have to change my strategy. I don't expect you to fully understand the illness I'm going up against as it would take too long to explain. Motivation and drive are very different and all I meant by the quote above is that I'd just have a little more motivation that day or a little extra bump of dopamine. Which, in the grand scheme of things is meaningless, but it'd just make tomorrow a little more pleasant. That's all I meant.
  25. 3/5/2019 - Day 24 Woke up and finally had a little relief this morning. I ate a decent breakfast and went to the gym where I biked, then took a steam and a shower. I'm honestly surprised I made it through yesterday, I was so miserable. But, over the last 8 years of being chronically sick, I think I've developed more resilience than I've ever had before, because of that I was able to survive the slog yesterday. Time seems to slow to a crawl when you're waiting on something you want really badly (the new Doc tomorrow). Today might be a little easier, but not much. Instead of managing chronic fatigue, I have to fight to try and be productive. For a little less than a week I've been glued to the couch and binging TV, now I have to try and reverse those habits again. Of course, if I get encouraging news tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be able to hop into a better routine much more easily.