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Everything posted by GCepeda

  1. Day 8 - I'm a little late to writing down my journal today. I've been spending most of the day helping my dad clean the house (sweeping, mopping, organizing, etc.) - Yesterday I went to my therapy session. The therapist seems quite supportive of my move to detox from gaming. He insists that I remain adamant (attend daily meetings, journals, etc) and prioritize it. He said to me several times that I have to ask myself how badly do I want to overcome gaming. What am I willing to do? - This makes me think of a topic that has perplexed me for many years, and it is only now that I am beginning to understand it. A lot of people talk about "willpower" and "desire" and how you either have it or don't have it. For quite some years, as I've tried many times to quit gaming, my dad (and more often myself) would say to me that I didn't really want to stop playing games. I didn't really want to go to school either. And I was confused, and often offended. "Of course I want to stop!" I would always say. And I would think about it. And stew in it. And allow the feelings of stress and guilt wash over me. Whenever I got this wave, I attributed this to wanting to stop. "If I didn't want to stop, then why do I feel bad about it?". I would come up with long and lengthy explanations for why I wanted to stop. So therefore I really wanted to stop. Right? - Wrong. In the addict mind, words become tools to reach your real desire: the game you wanna play. Yeah, maybe I wanted to stop. But I wanted to play a lot more. In short: I was all talk and no action. I am beginning to see that real want and real desire is the willingness to sacrifice your comforts to gain something greater. If I wanted to be game free, then how willing am I to sacrifice games to reach that? When I was a gamer, the question was always: "What am I willing to sacrifice so I can play more games?" Is it sleep? Hygiene? Food? College and education? Friendships and intimate relationships? As the years went on, I was willing to give away more and more to get more game time. - Last night I tried to see if I can connect the speaker system I got. And it seems I'm missing a receiver where I can connect the copper wires of each speaker together. The manual for the system I got (called the LG SH93PA) says I need a DVD receiver? That doesn't even make sense, I'm trying to play music from my computer / phone. Then again, this system is a bit old (2011). I'll see if I can order a receiver online. - While looking in my drawers to see if I had any extra wires or connectors, I found my old Gamecube and a bunch of Yu Gi Oh cards. These are both games that I loved to play as a kid. In the case of yu gi oh, it wasn't too long ago that I went to a lot of card shops to trade cards and play competitively. I really prided myself on making a deck of cards that could compete at higher levels but not be ridiculously expensive. Man, you wouldn't believe how expensive these cards get too. When I stopped playing around 6ish months ago, a highly coveted card for competitive play went for 80 dollars per copy. And you needed three copies of it in your deck. That's also not counting any other important cards you might need. The average deck for high tier play probably went for 400-500ish dollars. - I'm actually quite happy I found both of these things, because I can sell them for money online. ? - The rest of my day has also been alright. I spent this day with my dad. So I'm pretty grateful.
  2. GCepeda

    Moving on

    I'm glad to hear you're fighting thru this and making progress whenever you can. Keep it up!
  3. GCepeda


    Hoo boy, has that not also been me ?. To me, I consider that the devil talking to me. "Just have one, it's not gonna hurt." I don't think I've ever had close to 150 days without games ever (unless you count me being a baby, of course). The fact that you made it to 150 days is really remarkable and a testament to your strength as a person. As addicts, we've been wired like a piranha, or a shark. Once you get a taste for blood (or games, rather) you're gonna come back for seconds, and thirds, and more and more. I have to constantly remind myself of the addict nature. The addict in me is baffling, cunning, and insidious. He's really smooth talking and always seems chill. "Yeah man, you can play a game. It's all good bro." And I know he's lying. Don't listen to the addict in you. Keep that guy in check. The only way to do that (at least for me) is to constantly be aware of it, and to surround yourself with people who are also adamant on overcoming the addict within themselves.
  4. Thank you @Mouxine for following! Day 7: - In the next hour and a half (upon writing), I will officially be one week game / social media free! - Much to my dismay, I didn't go to my campus. And today I can't go either, so I'll have to drop by Monday morning. Why though? Procrastination is the only answer here. I'm pretty used to doing nothing with my time, and this is something I have to learn to overcome. - Instead I messed around on FL Studio (something I normally do, even before my recovery). I've been really fascinated with Djent, a style of progressive metal based on a very distinct guitar tone and emphasis on uncommon poly-rhythm/ poly meter. To non-music people, it's metal music where the guitars sound like chainsaws and they pummel you with all sorts of weird rhythms. I've already done a little research in terms of what guitar / amp, and types of fx pedals I'd need to achieve this sound (which costs a lot of money ? ). Since I can't afford it, I instead use my acoustic guitar and record my playing on a mic. Then I load the sample onto FL Studio and start layering effects until I get the distorted electric guitar sound I want. - However, there's a lot more to this then just the effects. In Djent, it's common for your lowest string (an E string on a standard 6 string) to be tuned to a lower note (D, C, B, or even as low as A). It's also common to use guitars with 7 or 8 strings, since the extra strings are thicker and produce a warmer and more bassy tone. On my acoustic, I usually tune my lowest string to C or C#. How I play the notes are also important. In Djent, each note played is loud and powerful. You have to pick your strings very aggressively, so your notes have a loud and almost percussive quality to them. Since I don't have a pickup, I can approximate this by using my finger to pluck the string as aggressively as possible. I basically end up "slapping" the string, but it achieves close to what I desire. - Also since my acoustic has a thinner bottom string, the harmonics can sound weak. So after I record, I layer the same sample an octave lower. Then I'll adjust the EQ on each layer such that I get a nice, thick sound on my sample. - Basically I've done a lot of work to try to mimic a sound that normally costs thousands of dollars to reproduce professionally. Today I'll be experimenting more and trying to compose something that I'd like to listen to. - Went to work again. I finally got the rest of that speaker system from work, and I've yet to try it. It's a massive setup, and I'd be really excited if it worked. - I do have a confession to make: I think I broke my social media hiatus (maybe). Because I re downloaded on app on my phone called iFunny. iFunny is a sort-of social media app focused on posting memes. As a Gen Z, I've always been knee deep in meme culture, and it's almost a thing of identity and pride to know so many weird and obscure meme references. - I have a rough idea of the mental gymnastics I use so that an app like iFunny is allowed back in my life. Since I do enjoy making and posting music, I try to focus on marketing as much as I focus on learning new ways of making music. If nobody knows who you are, they'll never listen to the stuff you make, even if it's Mozart level (or beyond). A big focus on marketing is keeping in touch with your demographics. As a Gen Z, I understand the weird and obscure language and images that we use. I'm more trustworthy and likable on that level, then say a millennial marketer who thinks 2010 Rage Comic memes are still popular. Memes are a circle of fast moving fads (they move even faster than a fad normally does at this rate). If you capitalize on a fad, you gain some buzz. If you are on top of every fad, you likely become popular (assuming you are also giving a quality product or quality content that makes people keep coming back). And if you create the fads, then you become legendary (a trendsetter and a person with influence and power to change things). So therefore, knowing about memes gives me a competitive edge. - That's my thought process. But when I went back on the app, I don't really see anything of value for me. There's some really funny videos or images that I would normally share within my groupchats and media groups. But I don't even have access to them, so it's pointless. The only way for me to fully enjoy meme culture would be to go back on said media, and that's not happening right now. So iFunny will have to be uninstalled yet again. - Plus I found a solution to my FoMo. Apparently there is a Youtube Channel called Lessons in Meme Culture (linked here). This guy does a real nice job keeping tabs on the big memes happening at any given moment. I no longer have to scroll on social media for three hours to find memes when I can get a general sense of the "meme-scape" by watching a three minute video. This is also exciting, since it shows that memes are a huge enough phenomena to monetize and potentially make a career out of (just look at YouTubers like PewdiePie for example). It's because of this that a few years back I developed an interest in marketing. - Anyways that's enough rambling for now ? . Today I go to my therapy session, and ill probably spend the rest of the day after cleaning my room and messing around with music.
  5. The rest of Day 6 as follows ... - I've decided to write my journals in the morning as opposed to the evening. By doing this move it'll give me more reason to be up in the morning. - The rest of yesterday was pretty standard. I went to work and had a relatively quiet shift. I spent a good part of my time talking to one of the cashiers up front. She's quite friendly and thanks to her the time passed pretty quickly. - We have this one particular customer who's pretty infamous, especially in our print and copy department. I call him the "final boss" of customers. He has tattoos and piercings all over his face, and he tends to go to our printing center to print weird, cartoon porn. On this day, it seems he left behind a "photo album". You can get a good idea of what was inside that album. - A few days ago, a customer dropped off an entire speaker system that they claim still works. It's pretty massive, since the largest speakers stand at 4 feet each. I managed to fit the audio receiver, center speaker, and the two small tinny speakers into my bag when I clocked out last night. Today I have to pick up the larger speakers. From there, I hope that it'll work. - I ordered a jacket in the mail about a month ago, and it's finally in! It's a yellow hoodie with black stripes all over, so it looks like I'm wearing a traffic sign. More importantly, I had bought this jacket in hopes of flexing on my Instagram (which I can't since I'm not on social media). - Wait, that sounds silly, you might say. You don't need validation online. And you're right, since validation wasn't my primary goal in "flexing". Prior to my social media stop, I posted and interacted daily in hopes of reaching more people to listen to my music. By posting certain images and dressing in a particular fashion, it gives me access to a specific group of people. Those people (I assume) would be most likely to enjoy my music. The jacket I bought was largely coveted within my "demographic", if you will. It's limited edition (meaning you can't buy it anymore). - In short, I was trying to learn how to market on social media. But that will have to wait for a while.This is what I bought btw - As I right this, I've been neglecting something far more vital. I'm still not in school. It's 12 now, and I don't work until 5. So I'm thinking I should drop by my campus and talk to an academic advisor. I owe a balance of around 2.5k, and since I didn't take out any financial aid or loans, I'm not going to be able to enroll to any classes until that balance is cleared. So they should know what steps I got to take. - Before that though, I have to eat. It's a weird thing that I have to remind myself to eat, but I'm used to skipping either breakfast or lunch.
  6. Yes, there's a music thread!! This is great. In the past year, I've really turned into a massive metalhead. I would've never thought, since I used to listen to tons of EDM when I was a teen. I think as my gaming addiction advanced, I got increasingly more resentful and angry. Only a genre like Metal can encapsulate the feelings I had (and still have from time to time) My favorite bands: Meshuggah (I listen to these guys daily) Their music is almost atonal, and focuses entirely on loudness and rhythm. No other band sounds quite like them, and because of that I love them. My favorite songs from them right now are tracks like Straws Pulled At Random, Marrow, Lethargica, and New Millenium Cyanide Christ. Gojira (Also listen to these boys daily) Their music is also intensely rhythmic, although they have very beautiful melodic sections. My favorites are songs like Oroborous, L'Infant Sauvage, Toxic Garbage Island, The Cell, and The Heaviest Matter In The Universe. Machine Head is a band that has grown on me more and more. I was hooked once I listened to their album The Blackening. My favorite song from them right now is Beautiful Mourning, although I like other songs like Locust and Davidan. Tool has grown on me too. They're not metal, although related in the sense that they do a lot of weird and cool rhythmic stuff. Schism was the first song I heard. Recently I've enjoyed songs like The Pot, Grudge, and 46 and 2. Scarlxrd is an artist I used to listen to, although not as much. He's a rapper that combines metal (although more like nu metal / metalcore imo). Lies Yxu Tell is perhaps my favorite, since it perfectly expresses the anger one feels when they're using and they don't address their use. I also listen to my own music. I'm an artist who goes under the name Lxci (you can find it on Soundcloud/Youtube). Out of my favorite tracks, I enjoy COWARD the most. These songs are still rough (I suck at mastering), but over time I will get better.
  7. I haven't read as much as I used to, but the book I keep coming back to is 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. It's not really the type of book you read from beginning to end (although you can certainly do that), but its something I keep coming back to in small segments. There's a lot of useful advice on how to life on a day to day. Def helpful for people like me who have lived a chaotic life for the past several years. Outside of this, the other book I occasionally visit is called Meeting The Shadow by Connie Zweig and Jeremiah Abrams. Peterson's work sparked my interest in psychology / philosophy, and this book neatly arranges the findings of prominent psychologists, like Carl Jung and John Pierrakos. If you guys want a good story, I can recommend any of the Robert Langdon series books by Dan Brown. He's known for the Da Vinci Code, but I also love his other books, like Angels and Demons and The Lost Symbol. It's so easy to get lost in those books ?
  8. Welcome to the forums. I too have considered drop shipping and even investing in crypto currency (bitcoins, etc). I know a little bit on the topics you've mentioned, so if you need some info, I'd be glad to help you out. ?
  9. I relate a lot to your post. I too have relapsed endless amounts of times. But so long as you remain devoted to quitting and keep in touch with others in a network like this, you'll eventually overcome. Welcome. ?
  10. Man Deku. I am so sorry for not posting the last few days. I am still here and I haven't relapsed (luckily) So what happened to me? DAY 4 AND 5 ... AND 6 DAY 4:
  11. Welcome to Day 3... - I worked most of the day, from 10AM to 6:30 PM (with a 45 min break at 2PM). I work part time at retail store, and my job is to sell tech (computers, printers, etc) and try to attach as much to it as possible (usually tech services and insurance, but we are free to suggest anything that the customer might need). I've been working for about a year and a half, and it's a job I enjoy, mainly because my coworkers are great people. There's virtually no drama and people get along. - The morning was slow, and I was bored out of my mind. My brain felt pretty foggy. I also had nothing to look at my phone, and chatting with the cashier that opens with me on Sunday is difficult. Most of the times when I try to talk to her, it's just awkward and so I don't hang around her unless its something work related. - It was hard to keep myself busy. The store was pretty clean already and there were minimal people. I found myself making frequent trips to the bathroom just so I had an excuse to move around. Luckily, the store picked up around 12 and there were plenty of customers to talk to and help. - However, something weird happened. I'd say maybe 80 of the time, I got annoyed whenever a customer approached me. Normally, I'd attribute this to them interrupting my time on the phone, but again, there's nothing on my phone (aside from my support group that I have on WhatsApp. I texted them a few times to let them know how I was feeling throughout my day. But there wasn't enough texts to have a conversation and get lost in my phone). So what gives? - We also have a new sales girl that joined my department, and today was her first day of on the floor training. I initially said hi to her as I saw her walk into the break-room, and she didn't say hi back. She likely didn't hear me. But something in me felt deeply hurt. Like I was rejected and a whole slew of negative thoughts came flowing in. I had to go back into the bathroom a few mins later to calm down (almost ended up kicking the wall, and I stopped myself). And now I realize: I am VERY insecure. I've known it for some time, but I've always pushed it to the back of my mind. - This misconception later faded as I got to talk to her after she was trained on how to use the register by our afternoon cashier. (she's really sweet and fun to talk to, and we attended the same high school.) I don't know much on her except that she had two previous retail jobs, her longest being 3 months. I got her to laugh a few times, so to me I've successfully made a good impression. I consider this a win. On our next shift together, I am to train her on how to make sales, and sales is something I'm excited to teach someone about. I look forward to it. - After work ended, I picked up some mint leaves so I can make tea (which is boiling as I type). This mint tea is meant to help with my skin complexion by detoxing my body. In the past it's worked, and I hope to start it again to clear my acne. - I also watched the superbowl with my Dad. Good thing the Patriots won :-). - Tomorrow is a weird day for me. I've missed enough classes in college to fail for this semester, but I feel compelled to go anyway.I also have to figure out how to enroll for the next semester. It gives a good reason to leave my house. I feel that if I stay home, I'll be compelled to game or mindlessly browse the internet. EDIT: I forgot to remind myself: I have another journal that I write it that is meant for me to write down what I want to do for the week. This is something I'm meant to do every Sunday before I sleep. It helps me to prepare activities ahead of time (otherwise I forget and probably resort to distractions instead). Right after I take care of the laundry and sort it, I HAVE to do this. It's a must.
  12. How has Day 2 been? - Actually I consider this my real Day 1, as this is the first full day that I haven't touched a game or any social media site. - I stood home all day with my dad, since neither of us had work. I felt irritated this morning since I woke up around 11AM. I was expecting my father to say something about why I woke up so late, but he didn't. That feeling passed quickly. - Am I cheating on internet use? Because I kept lurking on this forum just to see if anyone replied to my posts. Why am I doing this? - I spent most of the day watching movies with my dad. I also completed another Module on Respawn. I got to submit a ticket to permanently delete my League of Legends account. I also downloaded a web extension called ColdTurkey, which currently blocks over 40 sites relating to games (games and forums I have attended as far as 2008). I won't be able to access any of these websites until 2030. - I felt irritable again today when my Dad walked into my room to borrow my computer. Logically, I understood: He needed to check his bank statements, and his computer no longer works because of bad RAM. But the voice in me said "Why are f*** are you here? This is MY room, and MY domain. You're invading MY space." I think this is my addict side manifesting, as I usually think this when I'm trying to game in my room or trying to use my phone. - I feel restless again because I usually make music on my laptop. I like to spend hours composing instrumentals, but would this be considered gaming? I really want to finish a beat I made but I also feel like I can't. I feel that if I did, my dad would accuse me of gaming. My 5/4 beat in C Phrygian / Phyrgian Dominant will probably have to wait. - Instead, I opted to play guitar for a while. I alternated between trying to play the weird rhythm I wrote on open string, and learning the chords to R.E.M's "Losing My Religion". I can only play the first two chords in the verse, and even then I struggle to switch positions from A minor to D minor. Eventually I will get this though. ? - I also attending another online support meeting today where I got to talk to other fellow gaming addicts. Me and several other members are planning to meet in person on Tuesday. I believe this will help me immensely. Tomorrow I have a shift at 10AM, and so I must prepare for that.
  13. Yep. I'm always reminded of this too. Sometimes when I'm home alone, I get vivid memories of games I am used to playing. For me, it's helped to delete and block all sites associated with games so it's harder for me to fall back in. Best of luck on your shift. ?
  14. Sometimes I feel the same way. Many times in the past I would join a community and then leave soon after because hardly anyone was active. I'm just one person, but I am willing to stay in contact with you (just shoot a pm). Past me never had that opportunity, and I hope to extend that opportunity to you.
  15. Welcome. I'm in the same boat as you right now. It will get better, so long as you remain adamant in overcoming your addiction. ?
  16. Hello guys, my name is G. I am new to this forum and to keeping a journal, and I intend to see through on the 90 day detox. I hope that by writing in this Journal, I give myself a form of accountability as well as learn more about myself along the way. How has Day 1 been? - I feel very restless. I've been like that the whole day, as my last game was around 11:30 AM of today. I feel like I should be doing something but there is nothing to do. I also think constantly about the responsibilities I've been avoiding, and that makes me quite worried. - I took some steps forward. I started my 90 day detox today. I also registered and did a welcome post, which is good. I also attended a support group for computer gaming online and spoke to some other addicts. It put me at ease for a bit. - I went to my therapist today and told him what I've been up to, after not seeing him for a whole month. -Also, I thought about relapsing after I found out my father is working late. This gives me the perfect opportunity to game uninterrupted. But then I remembered my own personal version of hell that I've created and didn't follow through on it. This is gonna be freaking though. - I can't sleep either, I'm too hyped up. This is always the case for me; normally I calm this down by going on my phone until I fall asleep, but I removed all social media from my phone and there's nothing left on it aside from contacts and my music streaming (and YouTube of course). I think tonight I'll opt to take some melatonin pills so I can get full rest. Saturday will be a full, free day, and I must prepare for it.
  17. Hello everyone. I am G, and this is my story (I wrote a long story, inside the spoilers. I don't know why I wrote so much, but I feel the need to put it here anyway, even if nobody reads it) TL;DR: My childhood was rough. My mom suffered from drug addiction as I was growing up, and she was often abusive to my dad. When I was 11, she left us to go on a drug binge with another man. When I was 13, two weeks before I started high school, she died from heart failure. The loss was excruciating and this was the first time I gamed to forget about my troubles. In my Junior Year, I found solace through forming friends, which stopped me from abusing games for the next two and a half years. In college, I got my first girlfriend. It was an LDR, and to this day, I've yet to have a girlfriend irl. We were together for almost a year, but eventually I had to break up with her because I realized the relationship wasn't healthy for either of us. I was depressed and tried to find another girlfriend, but I found more comfort in playing League of Legends with my friends. Over the years, I repeatedly enrolled into college, play games all day, flunk, then try and beg and plead my Dad to give me one more chance. I gained loads of debt, and my life stopped when I was 18. (I'm now 21) I grew increasingly bitter, resentful, and eventually violent and on some cases physically attacked my father when he tried to confront me on my habit. I was scared of myself and I briefly attended an online support group for gaming addiction. It didn't last long, and I was "going" to school and gaming, until one day I disrespected my father and I was kicked out the house for three weeks. On the first day out, I went to a local internet cafe and played the night away. Around 6 AM, I hopped onto the subway and tried to sleep on the train. I got the worst 5 hours of sleep in my life, and my neck was killing me for several days. Then I set my pride aside and a friend took me in to live with him until I got my life back together. I didn't game the whole time. But when I went back to my Dad's house, the cycle continued again. I am "going" to college and I have been gaming. (as I write this, my last game was around 11:30 AM EST) I'm 21 with 23k debt, no degree, no car, and no skilled trade. My sleep cycle is constantly screwed, I go through mood swings. My face always cycles with acne, alternating between my jaw, and sides of the temple. I haven't had a girlfriend in over two years, and never been intimate with a girl aside from a kiss I did on a dare when I was 13. I've heard other stories of people losing their jobs, houses, and their kids behind games. That's not me, but it could be me if I continue. I think it's time to stop.