BooksandTrees

Good job on the laundry. I'm doing mine today before I move to my new apartment. I used to avoid household tasks until I said I'd give myself 30 minutes to do chores and then see how many I could get done. That slowly got me over the fear of stress that I had and I ended up appreciating the responsibility. I like your art progressions. I think it's something that makes you happier so I'd keep with it. I'm doing the same thing with my art. I support you getting back into cartoons and anime, but I'm biased lol. I only really use discord for my art community and getting advice for art. If I talk too much on there it reminds me of my old clan discord. How are you enjoying Massachusetts? I'm about 45 minutes from Boston and like it here a lot aside from traffic.

It's difficult sometimes. I never liked the gym, but enjoyed the rock gym. I think I used to line exercising for fun, but the destressing aspects of it are things I should appreciate more. I recommend the Home Workout app if you ever wanted to slowly get back in. They're like 10 minutes at first and actually work.

I'm still having issues with vertigo and feeling light-headed. It started on Sunday I think and it's been like this all week. I can't tell what's causing it. Online it says stress is the main cause. Obviously this week was very stressful for me with work and moving. But I also look online and see heart conditions like hypo-tension or arrhythmia. But I have to kind of look at the common sense here and recognize that when I was working out and eveyrthing I had no breathing issues. This week has been super stressful and of course the stress causes my symptoms. I'm just exhausted. I've lost the ability to have fun and unwind. I had fun 3d modeling, but kind of felt stressed trying to squeeze it into my nights during my stressful days. I felt a great sense of relief after submitting it and I also felt great relief finishing my other projects. Even just talking about them stresses me. Things like this are why I kind of miss playing video games just because you can escape the stress and just live a life of luxury. But I also know that I had some bad digestive health issues and anxiety issues along with depression and life issues. But this means I should really stick to exercising a few days per week again. I haven't exercised in 1.5 months. Either that or some yoga. I have no idea to be honest. I could just have a heart condition. I did have a series of heart tests performed 3 years ago and it came back that my heart was very healthy. So I'm thinking it's stress. But all I have to do now is move this weekend and I'll be all set. I'll have finished moving, finished 3 difficult projects, and just have more of a normal work schedule. Today I'm grateful for the community here, my coworkers, my office, my family, my friends, and myself for remaining strong and just getting through it.

Good plan. Addiction will slowly creep back from time to time and you made the right decision. I'm glad you went bike riding. Idk if I mentioned this in your diary but take time to rest. Video games keep us energized in a very unhealthy way and our bodies need to relax. If painting your nails helps then do that and maybe find a nice podcast or show and just appreciate yourself.

Good luck with the new medication. I hope it solves your sleeping issue so you can gain more time and meditate again. Also, don't worry about dating right now. The threat of the coronavirus is too much. Just keep enjoying time with mom and focusing on yourself. You're doing great.

The long week is over. I sat on the couch and slept for 3 hours without trying and will probably sleep another 10 more later.

Happy birthday! I hope your chemo sessions are going ok. I'm also glad your kids are handling it well. That can always be tricky. I found a free mindfulness meditation app called "insight timer" that I think you'd like. There's thousands of free programs to listen to for free and a lot of them are spiritual as well. I found a few that really help me love my spirit and self. I thought it might help you during waiting times. Thanks for sharing and being here with us. We appreciate you and love you very much! Get well soon.

Thank you!

Thank you. I got complimented at work multiple times today as well and felt good about that. I'm hoping this place is nice as well. I'll have more updates and responses as the process moves along.

Thank you. I did manage 9.5 hours of sleep last night at least lol.

Thank you. I hope you're doing well and thinking of you often as well.

Just another really long day. I'm tired of this shit. I got a lot done but I am tired of it. I watched some tv after work. Today I'm grateful for some coworkers and myself for staying strong.

I move on Sunday.

Today was trash. I just worked a lot. I talked to coworkers in spare time and took a nap. I did some more stuff for my apartment transition and watched TV. Thanks for watching my animation. I appreciate it. I'll have more time to post later in the week or next week. I'm tired and am taking a vacation in July for sure. Today I'm grateful for my coworkers and myself for leading the charge.

I think it makes sense given what you're writing about. You're constantly worrying about relapse and have had conflicting thoughts about watching your wife game. I think there's a part of you who doesn't want to watch or be around it and another who wants to be there, but not necessarily play.

I like that you're switching from hobby to hobby. Drawing to poetry to anime, etc. That's good. Show's you're starting to develop some balance.

I agree. I have lost almost 30 pounds this year using it.

Today was another productive, but stressful day. The stress of this week is hitting me, but I rolled with it. I finished one project and started another. I'll try to finish two projects tomorrow. If I can finish 2 projects and start my 3rd project this week I'll be over the moon with happiness because I need to start clearing these fast. I have lots of things due before July and it's outrageous. After that I'll just have 3-4 things due the rest of the summer. Like 6 in June and then 3-4 the rest of the summer. Unreal. I don't think it would be as bad if I wasn't moving to a new apartment this week. I think that's what is actually stressing me out. I talked to my therapist today and had a good session. I'm glad we got to speak. I feel better. I also wanted to share my second animation with all of you! It's too long to post here so I will post a YouTube link. I hope you enjoy it. It's nothing amazing, but I'm very proud of it. Today I'm grateful for my friends, my family, my therapist, my job, my coworkers, my software, and myself for continuing to get through a tough week.

I'm not sure. I think I'm just hellbent on learning things because I want to do more meaningful activities. I found that games were just an escape path for me to hide and I wasn't doing anything interesting. I developed many skills while gaming but I didn't get satisfaction from creating something. 3D modeling brings together the satisfaction of hard work, the good feeling of learning, but the joy of creation and imagination. Engineering has less imagination and expression. I feel so empowered animating. It is liberating.

Is that rheumatoid arthritis in your knees? Sorry to hear about that. I really think your girlfriend needs to step up here. I know I'm being a jerk to her by saying this, but this is her time to support you after you supported her. It seems she doesn't know how to handle many household responsibilities. There's got to be a tradeoff where she fills in for the void left by you for cleaning and cooking. Maybe there's a way you can alleviate some sort of burden on her end or maybe have her discuss with her boss about her workload. I know I'm designing about 8 bridges right now and struggling, but I've recruited help through voicing it. Idk what her situation is like. Once again I'm not trying to be rude, but she's an adult and adulthood carries some hefty responsibilities from time to time and this is a very meaningful time to pick up household ones. There's gotta be some discussion here or else you're going to internalize all of your frustration and go back to escaping into games and you're past that dude. I wish you luck and mean no negativity. Just my thoughts I guess.

Checking in. Been almost 2 months and wanted to see how you're doing.

You doing alright? Haven't seen you in a few weeks.

Today was a challenging day, but I overcame it. I had trouble sleeping last night because I knew work was going to be so stressful. I have so many project deadlines looming over me that it's giving me major stress headaches to the point of migraines and dizziness. The only way to get rid of the stress is to delegate work, express the need for help from my bosses, and actually get stuff done and not avoid it. So i did that today. I finish two whole projects today and might be able to finish 2 more by Friday. If I can do that I'll be golden for the rest of this month potentially. That would be great. Tonight I started rendering my 2nd animation. It's probably going to be posted on YouTube tomorrow. I'm so proud of this I can't even explain it. It's only 20 seconds or so, but it's beautiful to me. I'm really enjoying this hobby. It's also the 5th day in a row I've worked on it for at least 30 minutes. So I'm definitely building a habit here. I also took care of a few more things for my move on Sunday which relieved some stress for me as well. I'm hoping to pack Thursday night so I can do a few boxes per day instead of all at once. I never unpacked when I moved here so I'm almost all packed anyways to be honest. I did watch porn today to relax so that streak is over at about a week, but I'd like to restart it. Today I'm grateful for myself for getting through today.

Today was nice. I relaxed a lot and then did some minor modeling experimentation. I watched Pokemon, The Matrix Revelations, two episodes of The Last Dance, and made some lunch and dinner for myself. It was relaxing. I talked to my mom and my friend for about 2 hours. I then played around with my animation. I gotta be honest with you, this animation is fucking cool. It's 23 seconds long and it's pretty advanced for a second project of someone. I'm very excited to share this in the next few days. I might have it uploaded to YouTube tomorrow. We'll see. it's got multiple camera angles, all kinds of smoke and light effects, multiple animation techniques, and some sound. Of course it's not amazing, but it's the second thing I've ever made and I think it's amazing lol. I'm so proud of it. I watched it for like 10 minutes tonight just talking to my friend. I really love this animation hobby. I also love doing it every day for a few minutes. Most of the time I end up doing it for 1-4 hours, but the intent is a minimum of 30 minutes. I can't wait to upload it and share. I can't wait to start the next project. I dream of being an animator one day and I hope this becomes something for me one day. Today I'm grateful for my animation software, my friends, my family, my food, and myself for continuing to enjoy my hobby.

What's the point of the music? Is it something you only want to listen to once or are you constantly trying to listen to motivational music? Is it something you listen to while you're working or just need a quick burst? When I think of a single song to give me motivation and inspire me to move and act I listen to songs like: Break The Fall - Papa Roach Sleep Now In The Fire - Rage Against the Machine Territorial Pissings - Nirvana Attention - The Raconteurs Keep 'em Separated - The Offspring Lazerray - TV On The Radio Let Me Clear My Throat - DJ Kool Showdown - Pendulum The Vulture - Pendulum Salute Your Solution - The Raconteurs Applause - Lady Gaga Overtime - Cash Cash Born To Rage - DADA Life Break Em Off Some - Cypress Hill If I need motivating music for hours of work I do atmospheric drum and bass because my job is tough and I can't listen to people singing or else my train of thought messes up.