Hitaru

All set for the Camhappening. Things (logistics) suddenly untangled and got put together again so fluidly I barely noticed. No Hitarus were harmed during this whole process. Still anxious as fuck for breaking again my comfort zone. If doing it is getting easier, my nervous system is not getting the idea. It's just getting easier as a concept. I fear I might drop dead one of these days, like a horse. I'm still resistant to the idea of medication, I "should" (perhaps) be able to handle it on my own. I should, perhaps, make my mind about it already. Anyway, this is not to say I'm in a bad mood, in the slightest. I'm happy, all the happy I think I can be which is positively ok. Last September I wasn't allowed to be stressed about the near future and two years ago I was about to kill myself. Huge, huge improvement. No, a life turn, 360 degrees, even if not all that impressive (mine is a long-term story, that's for sure). And now I'm about to meet the man who made at least 50% of all that possible. I'm well aware he's just a human, right, but boy am I hyped.

Marry a fiercely independent countess, as every successful womanizer has been doing since the dawn of Humanity. Happy to see you back!

It took me 3 days to muster the courage to check on the travel/meeting in Portugal and less than 10 minutes to actually get it mostly done. Again, as Demir from Lifehack Bootcamp used to repeat, "The way you do one thing is the way you do everything". I am terrified and not ashamed in the slightest to say it. Even more scared than my previous travels. Other times I had a more or less clear idea of what I'd be doing, but this time is a complete mystery. I'm neither complaining nor ecstatic. "Serious business oh jeez what am I going to do" mode has taken over my usual mood. It's not so bad as long as I'm able to regulate the (mostly self-imposed) pressure. Aside from that, I checked on super expensive upgrades to compensate for my embarrassing shortage of time to get ripped, namely personal trainers and the sort. And surprise surprise, my mother is supportive this time. I guess she sees the endgame in sight, has resigned to fate or a mix of several things. So do I. Things are happening. It's strange.

Great start! Doing stuff outdoors helps a lot, see if you can for example listen to music outside (instead of on the computer at home).

News! I got a decent score in the exam, exactly no more and no less that what I was expecting, which actually makes it better than expected -taking out the nervousness factor. 77 out of 105, global score of 6.033 (decimals are important). I'm not sure if I'll get what I truly want, BUT there's definitely somewhere I can enter. If I'll take the chance or not, that's for me only to decide. Well, unless this promotion has an extraordinary number of geniuses, you wouldn't believe the number of college graduates applying to enlist. Youth unemployment is hell. Now the only thing I literally have to do in life for the next month and half if I decide to carry on is get fit. Very fit, absurdly fit. Well, on with it.

Exam final date this Friday. Oh boy! It was scary to be surrounded by soldiers while making the application, but I did it. I swear one of them could have appeared in old yugoslavian wars news reports. Still fine, it wasn't a sarcasm. About last weekend. On Friday I went with my boyfriend to an Ara Malikian performance (concert is a way too tame word to describe it, seriously). It was my suggestion and the experience was absolutely awesome. Then on Saturday he delivered his birthday present, a visit to an arabian-style public bath complex. Caliphate approved for halal enjoyment, I tell you. Praise iberian multiculturalism. I feel extra "proud" for showing the rest of the people that two men together can be near pools and saunas without things turning stereotypically debauched. My, stop the presses, we can be "normal" too if we try! That, was a bit of a sarcasm. Sorry. I'm just getting tired of the stares and mysterious sudden coughing that follows us every time we get minimally lovey. But this particular time there was not a single incident, probably because it was like 90% couples and everyone was busy doting their own partners. I'm happy in any case. And speaking about blissful happiness... No, nothing, I think @giblets mentioned something about it already. There's been a lot of political turmoil in my country and of course I'm furious, both because my vocation and spanish natural tendency to take politics personally. It's affecting my daily life, been hard(er) to stay focused lately. In times like this I thank being the only active spaniard in the forums, if an argument broke up I'm certain we wouldn't be able to keep rule #1. I politely request to not be asked about the topic (even though most of you don't know what the hell I'm talking about or just learned about it recently). About my own feelings, I feel powerless. I feel there should be something I could do, and have the power to enforce it. But, it's not to be. Not yet, I guess. I'll have to remember how much I don't want to feel like this again when pursuing my goals.

[Side note, I wasted today like an idiot and I just wanted to take it out from my chest. I'll probably do a lot of push-ups to exhaust myself, like... five or so. Ah, weekend was great, the post about it got erased in the middle of writing. But I'll come back to it later.]

Mod magic

If you mean what I said I was just kidding, don't worry. But if you have something specific in mind tell me and I'll change it for you.

That's not the iberian way my man. Anyway, since that leaves me with the option of choosing the time, I think chilling during the afternoon/evening of the 29 should be most pleasing. That means coffee/tea time at anglo-saxon standard dinner time (round 6 pm). You're under our time jurisdiction now, mwahaha. Is this fine for you, would you like a more action packed plan, another day and/or time? Your schedule, I can adapt. I guess @Vlad has his own opinion but he seems to be MIA.

I am reporting this journal. It says day 6 but you're not in day 6 anymore. Not cool, man.

Ah, that I wanted to ask, do you want to hang the 3 days or a specific day?

Awesome list man!

I'm fine.

@Remigjus I use Stayfocusd. Right now I can't tell you the whole list but I remember I blacklisted Facebook, Twitter, YT, Reddit, this forum and NoFap (I use them freely on the phone for both procrastination and PMO quitting reasons), humor and meme websites in general (when I find myself wasting time somewhere I just add it to the list) WhatsApp Web, all video formats I come across like Vimeo, Blogspot, TVTropes, Wikipedia, mail (Google and Outlook) and the Google domain (to avoid wasting time searching and looking results for useless stuff). If there's something useful inside a domain (like Google docs for example), you can whitelist it aside so no problem. You can also blacklist a keyword in a URL like *podcast or *content. I have assigned one hour for all the blocked stuff. This way, when I enter somewhere I REALLY need (like checking mail or watch a specific video) I go super focused and straight to the point, I may need the time later. You can always cheat, but you know, the point is that you don't. Take it as a challenge, that helps me.

Hi, @Baseball, take care out there. Your question is far too broad. Rather than thinking "I don't want to be shy", why don't you narrow it down? What do you want specifically? Know more stuff for small talk? Make more friends? Be socially competent in parties, or in general? Flirt with girls? Once you have your specific goal you can begin your search for the resources and tactics you could be interested in. General advice you can take is, get used to say YES and go to whatever plan comes up from now on (use common sense), listen a lot to know what interest people as a whole and be at least mildly informed about it, and (sorry to say) get also used to many tries and some screw-ups. You're in high-school, don't sweat it. If you feel safer, you can also hang around in this forum, talk with people here and get more used to social interaction as a first step. Opening a journal to vent, chill or lay out plans and goals is also encouraged.

I'm tempted to say "Why do it if not for the reward?" but I'm wrong and always been. I've been trying to play life "to win" but there's nothing to win in the end, at least not in the way I'm used to see it. Stuff now. Thoughts later!

B-Buh politics is fun ;-; This is what I mean when I talk about career discrimination. So sad. @FreetheG I keep liking your journals because of the format. Making gratitude an habit can do amazing things. One day at a time, you're absolutely right about that. Keep going!

All actors are broke, you go and do it You speak wisdom sir. That was an amazing read. Don't go too hard on yourself with the comparisons. People who start better off are expected to do more. And there's also passion involved, you may be smart, driven, rich, and your greatest ambition be selling T-shirts in the beach while sunbathing all day long. And who could say that's a waste of your life if you were happy? You set a goal for yourself and do that, and let the NASA guy and the artist do their gigs. Mindsets are things to look up to, learn from and imitate. Circumstances? Nah. Same goes with your parents, I also suffered a heavy case of "Sudden life inspiration expectations", my mother would be willing to pay for studies and hobbies (for the most part) yet never gently encourage me (the opposite, actually). It sucks but... It passed. Same as games. It passed. We are here now, what is the next step working with what we do have?

There's a post out there on How to get rid of your Steam account forever, basically messing it up by changing the mail to a disposable one and then the password to a random thing. Steam accounts being permanent is part of the trap, I did that a year ago and was what really set me up for quitting for good.

You'll probably be more prone to emotional outbursts during the first days of your detox, but at the same time you have the opportunity to be mindful about the way you act and react. Normally you would either fight and then retreat into videogames or just be apathetic about the issue, which can be worse. You'll find a balance eventually, keep going!

What are you avoiding to face by searching it?

You're not. No, seriously, literally breathe and think about it. The feeling you are experiencing is going to pass if you wait long enough. Put physical distance between you and games if you need. Try to simplify the fact that you're just not gaming, as a choice like any other choice. You are choosing not to game. Remember the reasons why you started. It's ok to feel furious and crazy about it, it will pass as well.

Cuando yo empecé con esto también había muchos miedos a los que tuve que enfrentarme y fue horrible, con pesadillas, ataques de pánico, hasta alucinaciones. Con el tiempo me di cuenta de que mucho de aquello era puro síndrome de abstinencia mezclado con ansiedad vital, las típicas preguntas de quién soy y adónde voy. Esos picos emocionales extremos mejoran con el tiempo, solo tienes que dejarte llevar por la tormenta, conservando fuerzas para remar en la dirección adecuada. Palabra de veterano También he sentido lo que dices sobre ser insensible a la felicidad. Una parte también es fruto de la adicción, de un desajuste en tus niveles de dopamina y la forma en que esta se libera. Literalmente es un problema físico. También mejora con el tiempo, no te preocupes. No puedo decir que vayas a sentirte más feliz de golpe, pero te irás haciendo más susceptible, más receptivo al bienestar en otras cosas, cada vez más pequeñas y simples. Tu cuerpo empezará a ayudarte (o por lo menos dejará de actuar contra ti) pero tienes que trabajarlo. La gente que tenemos esta introspección solemos centrarnos en el proceso de solución de problemas mucho más que en la contemplación o el disfrute pasivo de lo que ya funciona bien. Hay veces que una reflexión o un razonamiento no es la respuesta, sino que viene dada como residuo de la propia experimentación, de hacer cosas que nos llenan e ignorar en lo posible las malas sensaciones que intentan sabotearnos. La felicidad es un hábito.