I have been waiting two days to write that post. I didn't want to begin my existence here as a person still drowning in games. I said to myself "let's wait one day, just as a small symbol of having real, actual intention to stop gaming like a madman". So I did. First day was so exhausting. My thoughts were circling around playing just one game. Just a "quick install, one game, quick uninstall" thing, like it wouldn't be anything bad. I managed to talk myself out of it by reminding myself that such mechanism was used by me countless times and it had never worked that way, it never was just a one game. So I managed. Second day was excruciating. I have felt angry, mad, pissed off and on the verge of finding all of you people and hit you in the face for coming up with that GQ idea. ------------------------- I am 27 years old with lots of problems that amassed over the years. I got so tired of that. To be honest, I am too tired to even write the whole story here, reliving all my mistakes and failures again and again. I do it constantly anyway, I don't need to enhance this by not only thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am, but also by writing about it. But to provide basic bullets about me: A suicide attemptalthough got to be honest here, it was more of a shout for help than an actual attempt. Still though, I really did my best to cut my veins with a piece of broken bottle. I honestly tried to slit my wrist with it. I stabbed, I cut, I mashed broken glass into my wrist. After like thirty minutes, with only a tiny tiny trail of blood as an effect of my efforts, I gave up. Feeling even more like shit, because hey - I couldn't even kill myself. How weak is that.A university (college) failureat my bachelor's I left my studies after two years (out of three) because I was so heart brokenat my master's degree it is even more shit, going through right now. I don't even want to begin that subjectA fat, muscle-less kidI didn't do anything "physical" in months, even though I'm regularly paying my gym subscription. I started to eat lots of junk food. I am not obese, it's just that I am...fatter than I used to be, and way way lazierUnemployed------------------------- Speaking of games, I have enjoyed many of them. I felt amazingly epic playing Mass Effect series, I loved Planescape Torment story ("what can change a nature of man?"). I got genuinely mad when that limping asshole kidnapped my daughter in Hitman. I bet I could give more examples, but you get my point - I won't argue that games are not entertaining, because they obviously are. I also played less story-immersive games and still got a great pleasure from that. The point is that it came to situation in which I'd fantasize more often about playing. Many times I wished, during some social event that "ok, just two more hours and I can play again" or "God, I could be playing right now, why did I come to this lame thing". I have been regularly staying overnight playing, till 2 or 3 AM. ------------------------- I think it's enough for now. Writing this goes way harder than I had thought. It feels like trying to drill through a solid rock. I feel genuine emotional pain while typing all those words, since I have the actual intention of changing everything. I have a concept of my journal, it's just that obviously I am not quite ready to actually use that concept now. Too early; it's too much of a discomfort for me. Well, I'll keep posting.