What are three things you're grateful for today? Share in your journal. :)

The Story of Corvus Albus

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Day #1

I feel the pain. The pain caused by wasted time. That's even worser than my physical pain. I feel that inside my head. Like bashing my head over a wall dozen times. The voice, he wants me to go back, to waste my life. I want a change. I want to be better version of myself. I want a freedom in my life. I am going to be responsible guy - not the one who is just a big failure. Past myself is gone - and it never comes back.

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You've taken a great first step, Corvus. Don't beat yourself up. You were trapped in a world of numbing yourself. Now's your chance to step out and find who you really are. Take credit for getting here and taking these first steps.

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Love and respect yourself. All you need is love. Love build bridges. You actually on your way to be better version of yourself! Forgive yourself. Past is past, learn from it and go on. Dont cry over spilled milk. Its your life and you have the power to change it. 

 

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You've taken a great first step, Corvus. Don't beat yourself up. You were trapped in a world of numbing yourself. Now's your chance to step out and find who you really are. Take credit for getting here and taking these first steps.

Allright, I just need to stay strong and patient.

 

Love and respect yourself. All you need is love. Love build bridges. You actually on your way to be better version of yourself! Forgive yourself. Past is past, learn from it and go on. Dont cry over spilled milk. Its your life and you have the power to change it.

I forgive myself. That is the best way to do it at this moment

 

Day #2 - Dreams are tough

Dreams are so surrealistic. They just come and go, some of them I remember from last night. I felt like I played it. The game which I left behind and I was crushed, my character died in suffering. RPGs were made only to win for me, so I could become a better player. I never play to lose. Without winning it is completely useless. I remember how strong it influences me when I lost it is like the biggest dishonor for myself like I could not stand it and I had anger attack. So, dreams are not helping me, but I am going to withstand them. Each time my brain play a game with me, I will not beat myself up for that. It is just playing with chemicals to provoke me to go back. But I must not. There is no way back.

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Posted

Day #3 - Excuse me?

This fight is a tough one. I have to tackle high temperatures right now. I am not used to it. 31 Celsius degrees. This is probably the best excuse I can create - go back to virtual because it is hot. It is going to be hot! I have to manage this even though I don't like it. No time for excuses or justifications. I need to stay cool and refreshed, well, literally.

I feel more like gaming soundtrack attacks want to assure me that I am insane. Music is not the only enemy foe here - my mind play a game with achievement sounds each time I do something good. How to harness this beast inside me?

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Posted

Had to do the Fahrenheit conversion in my head haha. x 1.8 + 32. It's been a while. I still hear video game soundtracks in my head. I hear the somber piano theme from Mass Effect 3 and I almost tear up. Hang in there, Corvus!

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@Mettermrck all I remember about the conversion from my programming days is that 100 degrees fahrenheit is about 38 degrees.

@Corvus Albus I feel your pain about gaming dreams - I still get them after 72 days, and I think I will for a while. The only thing I can say to you about them is when you wake up, don't get on the computer. Make yourself busy doing something else - making a big breakfast, going for a walk, doing chores around the house. I have found that if I get on the computer after having a dream like that it is all over red rover - either I will start playing games or I will endlessly surf the web about games. Either way, the tempo is set for the day and pretty much ruins your whole day.

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Poland neighbour in Slovakia is also hot, i think hotter 34 degrees Celsius = 93.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Very hot is from 10:00am to 04:00pm. Humidity is high and i can't breath normally. But it's manageable. Exercise is litte bit harder but reading book is almost ok. Go and face your fears and artificial limitations!

 
 
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Posted

Had to do the Fahrenheit conversion in my head haha. x 1.8 + 32. It's been a while. I still hear video game soundtracks in my head. I hear the somber piano theme from Mass Effect 3 and I almost tear up. Hang in there, Corvus!

 I will hang in there. Music from games looks like the symptom of my need for detox.

@Mettermrck all I remember about the conversion from my programming days is that 100 degrees fahrenheit is about 38 degrees.

@Corvus Albus I feel your pain about gaming dreams - I still get them after 72 days, and I think I will for a while. The only thing I can say to you about them is when you wake up, don't get on the computer. Make yourself busy doing something else - making a big breakfast, going for a walk, doing chores around the house. I have found that if I get on the computer after having a dream like that it is all over red rover - either I will start playing games or I will endlessly surf the web about games. Either way, the tempo is set for the day and pretty much ruins your whole day.

I appreciate your advice. Not going to the computer first thing in the morning is a good one. Tempo is important, however being hot outside can stop me for a while.

 

Poland neighbour in Slovakia is also hot, i think hotter 34 degrees Celsius = 93.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Very hot is from 10:00am to 04:00pm. Humidity is high and i can't breath normally. But it's manageable. Exercise is litte bit harder but reading book is almost ok. Go and face your fears and artificial limitations!

I did a walk during the time you pinpointed and that was a misery. But at least I have legs so I can walk anytime I want. I will face my fears.

 

Day #4 - Fears

I feel wrong each time I want to go outside. There are people. People who might have wrong intentions. Some of them might stab me in the back, others may confuse me with words and there are many of them who wants to misuse the information I give them. Finding the ways to deal with phobias I have. I do not care what others say, that is the external shell of mine, but what happens inside me, oh, only I know how it hurts. Each time I trust someone and share about myself. I got criticised multiple times so far, so is there anyone who will truly understand me in this world? There should be good people out here, should not they? I hope they are, because only hope dies last.

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Posted

One thing you have to watch out for is negative thinking when it comes to other people. It can be tempting to think that peopme think less of you when they really don't. Just don't retreat inside yourself and isolate yourself from everybody. I struggle with this myself.

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You don't have to tell somebody else about your situation. And there must be someone who understands you. People are different, but at the same time, they are similar. You're gonna find someone during your journey! Don't worry. It's only day 4!

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Posted (edited)

Don't expect that people will be always good on you. Life is not fair. Accept this and you will be little more free.

 

Edited by Onlysoul
grammar
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One thing you have to watch out for is negative thinking when it comes to other people. It can be tempting to think that peopme think less of you when they really don't. Just don't retreat inside yourself and isolate yourself from everybody. I struggle with this myself.

It is tough sometimes to not think about people so negative. But I have to manage it.

 

You don't have to tell somebody else about your situation. And there must be someone who understands you. People are different, but at the same time, they are similar. You're gonna find someone during your journey! Don't worry. It's only day 4!

Day 4 is a big achievement for me so far. Some people understands me, others do not.

 

Don't expect that people will be always good on you. Life is not fair. Accept this and you will be little more free.

Life is not fair. Most people are not good from their nature, so there is no particular reason to be good for me.

 

Day #5 - Rebuild what remains.

I feel a little bit better right now. Made some cleaning inside my house, so this place looks more like home. Also made some more ventilation - by opening the windows from both sides of the house. That is a relief for high temperatures. It looks like the mood is swinging - I need to be focused and stay cool and level-headed.

 

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Posted

You would be surprised how important a clean living environment and a simple breeze can be to your mood. They can really lift your depression and give you a sense of accomplishment. You did great, Corvus.

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My room is cleanest thing in the house because i love order and not a mess. Like @Mettermrck said clean enviroment is crucial!

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