Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

Comm's Daily Journal


Commissar
 Share

Recommended Posts

Day 36
Day 6 of 30 of Challenges.

Results are mostly in - Still waiting on one subject that I had an extension on, so the grades are taking a little longer to filter on down. So far, though, it's all passes! Which is great news. I'm not quite able to relax with that one still outstanding, but it's a promising start. Also been called in to work next week to be given the notice I wrote about way back when at the start of this journal.

Knew it took a while, and had resigned myself to getting it post-Christmas at this point, so it's a bit of a surprise to be issued it now. Still, one way or the other, hopefully I can have that sorted and behind me by the time New Year comes. It'd be nice to start the 2021 without any of that still hanging over me. Work's been great to me and super tolerant for a long time, all considered. Any extra chances they fling at me at this point are really more than I had any right to expect. Even so, this feels like it's been hanging over me for the best part of a year now and I'm just exhausted more than anything.

We'll see how it all comes out. One way or the other, fresh start in 2021.

Edited by Commissar
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 37
Day 6 of 30 of Challenges.

Fine enough day. Still waiting on that last set of results! Chased down a few more admin tasks that had been looming, watched a couple of hours of lectures in preparation for next semester's classes and implemented some of the maths there into python so I don't have to do it all by hand later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 38
Day 6 of 30 of Challenges.

First day in a while I've not had work stuff to chip away at. Spent it tidying the house, doing a brilliant module, and keeping on with pre-emptively working through next semester's content. Hypersonics equations are long and awful, so I'm teaching python to do them for me and, in a pleasant change, I'm not rushed!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 39
Day 6 of 30 of Challenges.

Had a productive Saturday without it feeling like a rush to get back to the games. Slept in, went out for breakfast, then spent the rest of the day working on the hypersonics solver in python. It's functional for wedges now! Next stop, shock tubes and something resembling a UI.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 41
Day 6 of 30 of Challenges.

Had some pretty brief journal entries lately. Family situation's flared up some and sleep's been hard to come by, so I've not really had the energy for long entries. Managed to hold off on the gaming and stick to the routine though, which is reassuring. Going to try for an early night tonight to catch up.

Expect to be given notice at work tomorrow as I mentioned way back when in the early pages of this journal. Those procrastination-induced problems still catching up forty days down the road. Still, with any luck that means things'll be resolved before the new year. Lot of stresses floating about at the moment, but none of them should be too long term.

Keeping on keeping on. Managed to get a bit of university revision done despite things, which would've been unimaginable back in the bad old days. Easy to get accustomed to being able to focus again but it's a world away from where things were, and I'm glad to be where I'm at.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 42
Day 6 of 30 of Challenges.

Rough one today. Feel like everyone needs something off me and there's only so many bits of myself I can give away. A lot of uncertainty looming on the horizon. I am very irritable and very tired and very uncharitable.

Tomorrow will be better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 44
Day 6 of 30 of Challenges.

Getting on top of some of those stresses. Drafted some of my stuff for work, and feeling a bit better for having that done. Was super flat yesterday, and couldn't bring myself to turn the computer on and put together a journal entry. Sorry, journal.

Still, hardest part for me is just about done now. Also ran some numbers and realised I'm very likely to pass my outstanding subject which is wonderful news. Picture's better than I thought it was!

Feel like finally, finally, I'm getting close to stopping that downwards trajectory that games had me on. That's the thing, I think, that a lot of us struggle with early on in the quitting journey. So much early effort is spent just trying to deal with the consequences of games, to get yourself back to normal before you can even really start to improve. It's hard, seeing people who seem to be doing so much better. It's a little like trying to paddle a raft back upstream. You've got to burn off all that speed you built going down first.

We're getting there. A little more each day.

I've also been watching a few comp games of Total Warhammer II lately. Willing to let that slide, since I've been under a lot of stress and don't feel any compulsion to play myself. Just watching's relaxing at the moment, and I've needed that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 45

Halfway to the ninety day mark! Not a lot to report for today. Kept on keeping on with putting some of those stressful situations to bed. Feeling reasonably on top of things again now, which is nice. Being honest with myself and putting the challenges away until the New Year. It's time for a bit of a break, and to go a little easier on myself. As I've said a few times now, fresh start coming with 2021.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 47

Nice cool day today. Had rain and cooler temperatures for the first time in a while. Going outside without coming back the colour of a tomato was possible. I've also leveraged the recent gaming-itch into - Well. I was introduced to DuoLingo. I might be getting a little competitive with it. I must top the bronze leaderboard.

will have victory.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 48

Busy enough. Caught up with family on the way through, putting things in order for the end of the lease. A little more study, a little more admin, a little more New Year's planning. More than a little mindless web browsing too, admittedly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 12/13/2020 at 2:43 AM, Commissar said:

Nice cool day today. Had rain and cooler temperatures for the first time in a while. Going outside without coming back the colour of a tomato was possible. I've also leveraged the recent gaming-itch into - Well. I was introduced to DuoLingo. I might be getting a little competitive with it. I must top the bronze leaderboard.

will have victory.

I decided to cut back on it but ....Ruby league beotch.

It's fun lol

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The league chasing is real. Silver, baby!

Day 49

Still running about sorting end of year things. Making arrangements for the current rental property to be cleaned out and stuff moved at the end of the lease, doing some annual stuff for work while still working through things there. Keeping up with languages, less so with my running and drawing. I'll be very glad to get to the end of the year. Nominally I'm on break at the moment, but there's been so much to sort that it doesn't feel like it; and I'm hesitant to actually relax until everything's sorted for next year.

It'll pay off, though. If I can get this all in order, should be able to slide comfortably in to 2021 and just keep on keeping on. This sort of advance preparation's a bit of a new experience, being honest. That's boredom for you. Makes me productive.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 51

Keeping on. Might be able to stay in the current accommodation through next year rather than move - The agent's talked about possibly lowering the rent, which'd make things a little easier on my end. Even reduced, though, it's still higher than some very similar properties about. Something to consider, in any case. Didn't much as much progress with work things as I wanted to today. It's not the most pleasant to write, and I've been making progress in fits and starts with plenty of distraction. Realise now that I've neglected my early pomodoro-ing. I really should get back to that, as I'm hideously unproductive working on a computer for long stretches. Really need to break it up a bit to get things done.

Still, hoping to get the lion's share of that done tomorrow. Should be able to focus on getting the housing situation in order shortly after. Still waiting on uni results for my last subject. I'm sure I passed it based on how I did with previous assessment for the subject, but it's never certain until I get the results. Expected them by today at the latest, but nothing's come through yet. I'll call them tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 52

Pretty much got done what I wanted to get done for work. Woo! Should be able to focus a bit more now on getting back into my schedule. Habits slipped a bit with that looming. I've noticed my spiral seems to be:

  1. Quit Games
  2. Develop new, exciting hobbies and routine.
  3. Settle in.
  4. Get hit with stressful Thing to do.
  5. Let hobbies and routine slip progressively so that I can devote more time to the Thing.
  6. Inevitably spend the extra time procrastinating out of discomfort associated with doing the Thing, or dissatisfaction with the level I've been able to do the Thing to.
  7. Finally, after taking three times as long as it really should have, finish the Thing. Shove it away without polishing it because it's scary and roughly made and ugly.
  8. Give myself a reward for getting whatever the Thing was done. End up gaming again. Habits recede over the horizon.

It's this whacky Ferris wheel where the very first thing I seem to do when confronted with something stressful is grab a jackhammer and set to destroying the healthy foundations I've built to help me manage the stress associated with the Thing in the first place!

We're about at step seven, at the moment. But rather than firing up a game I'm heading out for a walk. There's still that itch there. That voice whispering 'Hey, buddy, you're fifty days in. You have this under control. It's Christmas. You don't have anything looming. Don't you deserve a break?' It's utter nonsense, of course, and I know that listening to it'll just drop me down another two month spiral. The same logic that justifies playing because I've got nothing on will happily justify continuing to play and not scheduling anything else because it might interfere with that time.

So, uh.

Let's not do that. If only because I don't think my family will survive if I neglect the Duo Owl that long.

Edited by Commissar
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 54

Fairly busy weekend! Was out looking for rental properties yesterday, so missed the entry. There's a few about and a promising one (A pool! Air conditioning!) that I've gone ahead and put an offer in on it. The current landlord's also indicated the possibility of reducing rent and my being able to stay in the current property which, being honest, would be a very good outcome too. It's a nice place, and moving for the sake of six months seems a little much.

Stay or go, plans for the new year are sliding ever-so-slowly into place, which is very encouraging. A couple of days next week to, if I'm lucky with timings, get the last few things for work sorted before I scoot off for a week's holiday. Very much looking forward to it. In other good news, one of my family members who has been struggling a bit has finally lined up an appointment to see a therapist. Thankfully it's all government-funded here, so no cost to us. I'm really happy for them and hope it'll help them get where they want to be.

Delaying asking for help so long was a super dense move on my part and helped tremendously when I did it, so I'm always glad to see other folks doing it.

Edited by Commissar
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 55

The Christmas approach drags on. Chased down a few more gifts, got some more study done, looked a little more in to the property situation. Still haven't received results back for this semester's university, which is vexing. I'd really like to have that weight off my shoulders before I head off on holidays later this week. We'll see what happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 56

Today I had the finest set of Christmas gifts I could have hoped for.

A friend visiting from a Covid hotspot (who left on the journey before it was identified! We're not super irresponsible, I swear) got his test back negative, so I got to catch up with a buddy I've not spoken to in the couple of months since I vanished from discord like a thief in the night. I do intend to go back there, probably in the New Year. I've got a chat full of old school friends, and it's great - Particularly with the way things are at the moment - to have a place to just sit back and chat. But I'm not ready to go back just yet. For now, it was nice to see him in the flesh and chat.

I got back that university result I was waiting on and, against all my expectations when I started writing this journal two months ago - We did it! Managed to pull back from the precipice and scrape out passes for everything this semester. My relief is palpable. It means one more (fairly easy) six month block and my degree's done. Thanks, Game Quitters.

I need to send the faculty a box of chocolates or something in the New Year. Several boxes. They really went out of their way to give me chances.

Finally, heard back from the landlord and he's agreed to a substantial drop in our rent for the next six months. I can't say I expected it - I was fully prepared to move into a less nice property to save on cost, but he's really carved a good chunk off the weekly dues so that we can stay. Cannot believe how fortunate we were on that. I love our current flat but just didn't think I'd be able to afford to stay while I finished studying. Now it looks like I'll be able to.

What a way to round off the year. I cannot express how relieved I am, or grateful to have such understanding people around.

I only passed that last subject because my instructor went in to bat for me with the university and got my an extra day on my extension (I misread the original document!). I only got the reduced rent because the agent here was willing to go in and advocate for us with the owner. Without lapsing too much into something distressingly like an award acceptance speech, I'm just blown away by how lucky I am to have these folks around.

Edited by Commissar
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Commissar said:

Day 56

Today I had the finest set of Christmas gifts I could have hoped for.

A friend visiting from a Covid hotspot (who left on the journey before it was identified! We're not super irresponsible, I swear) got his test back negative, so I got to catch up with a buddy I've not spoken to in the couple of months since I vanished from discord like a thief in the night. I do intend to go back there, probably in the New Year. I've got a chat full of old school friends, and it's great - Particularly with the way things are at the moment - to have a place to just sit back and chat. But I'm not ready to go back just yet. For now, it was nice to see him in the flesh and chat.

I got back that university result I was waiting on and, against all my expectations when I started writing this journal two months ago - We did it! Managed to pull back from the precipice and scrape out passes for everything this semester. My relief is palpable. It means one more (fairly easy) six month block and my degree's done. Thanks, Game Quitters.

I need to send the faculty a box of chocolates or something in the New Year. Several boxes. They really went out of their way to give me chances.

Finally, heard back from the landlord and he's agreed to a substantial drop in our rent for the next six months. I can't say I expected it - I was fully prepared to move into a less nice property to save on cost, but he's really carved a good chunk off the weekly dues so that we can stay. Cannot believe how fortunate we were on that. I love our current flat but just didn't think I'd be able to afford to stay while I finished studying. Now it looks like I'll be able to.

What a way to round off the year. I cannot express how relieved I am, or grateful to have such understanding people around.

I only passed that last subject because my instructor went in to bat for me with the university and got my an extra day on my extension (I misread the original document!). I only got the reduced rent because the agent here was willing to go in and advocate for us with the owner. Without lapsing too much into something distressingly like an award acceptance speech, I'm just blown away by how lucky I am to have these folks around.

It's nice to finally catch breaks. These breaks actually make all the hard work you're doing in life more impactful. Like, if you just can't catch a break and are trying to quit addictions then you just feel worse. Sometimes when life has less to escape from then you can keep moving on and healing.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Day 70

Had a great Christmas and New Year. Domestic travel's open in my corner of the world so I spent a week down in Tasmania with family. Nothing big booked, and we just spent the time wandering around the city, taking in the sights, and resting up. I was under the weather for most of it, and the best bet from the doctor's just exhaustion at this stage.

That aside, took a neat river cruise, did a walk up and down a gorge, investigated way too many coffee shops. After something like eight years of proud service my eReader finally wheezed its last, but not before the hero held out for the flight over. All told, was a slow-paced, relaxing weak of nothing much, which was - exhaustion aside - lovely.

I did end up spending a good chunk of the holiday napping (and, in all honesty, likely to spend the next couple of days doing the same). Might as well take the chance to rest while it's there. Been a little tempted with games since I've not been feeling up to much else - But we'll see how that goes. There's no other tasks that are immediately pressing at the moment.

Hope you all had a great Christmas and following New Year!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 months later...

Day 0

And, we're back! Predictably, ended up back on games while recovering from that bit of sickness earlier in the year. Still playing regularly in the evenings with some old school buddies - Which I'm inclined to keep doing for the social contact, with the provision that I keep the time slot restricted from 7-9pm. It's always those long solitary sessions creeping in that get me.

Otherwise, things are going passably well. Got a big transition coming up at work in the next few months, so I wanted to fire up this journal again, just to keep a record and keep myself accountable while I prepare for that.

I'll continue to check in briefly, daily, and hope you're all doing well!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share