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Captain_Pilz's daily journal.


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Day 15:

The movie was great. However, I will try to go to bed sooner today.

What was good today?:

I am keeping my morning routine up for another day! At least I am consistent in some things. My parents and I payed my grandparents a short visit today since it's eastern. I was also able to phone a few relatives and text a few friends. Also, I did a lot of drumming today and it starts to be fun again after the first few times were quite frustrating.

What was bad?:

The visit to my grandparents also broke up my original plan to study early. This made it difficult for me to keep things up. I don't blame external circumstances for that, at least partially. Actually, my plan failed because I miscalculated the difficulty of direct practice and I will learn from that. Apart from that I also watched quite an amount of YouTube, no gaming videos however. I even watched porn, again. I know exactly that porn is an energy vampire for me but I still do it. That's frustrating but I'm dedicated to push through it at some time.

What could make tomorrow the perfect day?:

I want to learn from my mistakes and finally start studying for my English class. Also, I struggle to keep contact with my friends through anything else than texting. This means that I should start staying in touch per video chat. Another thing is obviously YouTube. Not watching any would make tomorrow even better.

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Hi,  my name is David, I am a student and I have a gaming problem. This is my first time writing on this forum. However, I am not new to the idea of quitting gaming. Let me sum up my story.

My first gaming free week is over and it is Day 5 of my journal.  Today was intense. I worked a lot and my A-Levels really keep me going right now. As I wanted, I finished the most arduous topic

Here we go again! It is Day 2 and I am on fire! My goal for today was to beat my procrastinating behavior and to learn for my exams next week. In the morning, I was lucky to have some free time s

Day 16:

What was good today?:

I made an interesting experiment in the morning. My chronotype is the lark chronotype which means I respond to light very quickly. Therefore, I left my shutters open over night and voila, I woke up at 6:30 am without an issue. That's a better way not to snooze than using a ton of willpower. Then, I managed to execute my morning routine once again. After a lot of unproductive time, I managed to pull myself out of it and work out.

What was bad?:

I definitely procrastinated in the morning and eventually started watching gaming videos. That continued for hours until the late afternoon. I even almost relapsed.

What would make tomorrow perfect?:

Tomorrow would already be perfect if I managed not to watch YouTube and get over that initial procrastination border.

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😭 Day 0:

How did we get here? Over the last few days, I have started watching YouTube again, I spend too much time on porn and even played a video game for 30 minutes. Everything seemed OK but things didn't work out as I expected them to.

The reason I had this mini-relapse is actually quite simple. There are habits that I find easy to do (playing the drums, my morning routine, working out), the ones that require a little bit of effort not to procrastinate on (mainly studying for Physics), and the ones that are just super hard to do. Those ones are currently related to the other subjects I have to learn for and this is the case for different reasons. One subject is boring and too easy, one is ambiguous and studying for the last one feels unpractical. And if I'm honest the second reason why I keep watching YouTube is because it is stimulating and doesn't require any effort. Let's face it. Right now, I'm just not used to putting effort into things. When I listened to today's episode of the Game Quitters Podcast, James talked exactly about this. For him and so for me everything in school came easily and everything was super short term. Now, that I am about a month away from my final exams and about to go to university afterwards, I feel like I just want to hide from the effort, that somehow everything coming easy to me has made me lazy. I have never considered myself a hard working person.

Right now that I still have a month time to prepare, I realise that I started to late on the other subjects. However, learning them all at once feels daunting and plain impossible and from the experience I made over the last days actually is impossible. I am going through the process of leaving an addiction behind and I cannot make it too hard for myself. Otherwise my inclination to escape will just become worse and worse.

I just want to hope that things will get better. I have made some progress again. I have noticed that unhealthy eating, watching TV and YouTube and porn, and playing video games is intertwined. When I do one thing, I feel the urge to do the others. When I watch YouTube, I eat unhealthy and play games. When I watch porn, I diminish my energy and make myself watch more YouTube. The circle closes there. It's basically a loophole of instant gratification.

That makes watching YouTube and porn even more risky. Therefore, I should not consume them. On the other hand, exercise naturally replenishes my mental energy and makes me eat healthier. Cold showers do as well. I already do those positive things which means I only have to double down on them

At the moment, I feel satisfied with what's going on in my brain, with my thoughts. All those years of struggle have taught me plenty of things, what works and what doesn't work. What I m not satisfied with is how my actions reflect my thinking, how I am actually developing, and my interpersonal connections -Why not just say relationships-. My friends and family are dear to me but in those negative phases, I just forget about them. That makes me feel like a bad friend and a bad son. I want to get active in my deepest and the longer I remain in the negative zone, or what I perceive as the negative zone, the more frustrated I get with my progress and it hurts my progress. The more frustrated I get, the worse my escapism gets. That's how I feel in this whole situation. However, the thought has just come to me that I may only think I am in a downwards spiral and actually am in an upwards spiral. I even think it's most probable that this is the case and that the upwards spiral just has some nudges in it and is hidden from my sight. I mean, I'm developing and the fact that I'm never giving up reflects that

How does this train of thought help me take action. My perceptual issue is that I mostly have the goal in mind. Yes, that's the case. That said, I will not see my small wins on the way and I will not notice my progress because the only way I am satisfied is when I live up to the ideal I created in my head throughout the years. My ego also tells me subconsciously that everything has to be easy. What is gonna help me take action and grow as an individual is detaching myself from the ideal and the fantasy and to live in the moment. Also, there is the next reason why I should not watch YouTube and porn. It supports my inclination to fantasise. Meditation is going to help me there. I have done it before sleeping in the past. In the long run it improved my thought but in the short run I even slept better, so why not do it for 10 minutes each evening to start off.

All right, let's do a quick journal:

What was great?:

Drumming, exercise and learning a lot about myself and my own inclinations.

What was bad?:

I watched YouTube, I watched porn and I procrastinated the whole day. Also, I got out of bed late.

What will make tomorrow better than today?:

Calling one friend and one family member. 

Learning a moderate amount of Physics.

Not watching anything, not even personal development videos.

 

 

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I don't waant to say too much. Just this:

I understand that you have your goal in mind and are therefore somehow ignoring the small wins, because you have this ideal. I know that very well. Despite my immense successes, I still look in the mirror and see certain bodyparts, I don't like, which makes me want to achive my ideal even harder. I think success lies somewhere in the middle: Hating your current situation, having some kind of positivity on the way and desperately wanting the thing. The most important thing: the relapse is not a sign of some failure. It is the result of your new expectations and desires. You are changing. Now you just need to continue to show yourself, who you really are. So keep going. I just don't understand, why you restart your counter. Today is day 18 of your process. 😉 

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Day 20:

It appears to me that I just wasted another two days of my life to various different things, including YouTube and Porn. I have now changed my router settings and made them very inaccessible to give myself only set hours on the Internet. Fact is that the Internet is THE biggest distraction in my life and I want that to change.

Also, @Alexanderle, you are right. I am at day 20 and I will keep going. I promise.

What was good today?:

My father and I managed to repair the controller of my XBox which means that I am going to be able to sell it in the near future. I am looking forward to reinvesting the earned money in my personal development. Also, we cooked self-made burgers tonight. They were delicious.

What was bad?:

Porn. Quite a lot of porn and YouTube, too. Didn't study for the last two days either.

What would make tomorrow perfect?:

I just want to start the day well and study. I have a goal and I am going to reach it, even if I wasted a lot of my time. 

I have a plan. Let's see if it works out!

 

In hope

David

 

Edited by Captain_Pilz
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thats the stuff David! You have a plan. It might not be the perfect plan, but that is fine. Even my plan is far from perfect. That that is all you need for now. And I agree: The internet is a huge distraction. I think it can also be a valuabe source of knowledge and wisdom. But it really is like a dangerous pet, which is tough to control. I don't know a single person, who is able to control it 24/7. ^^ 

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Day 21:

@Alexanderle, thank you for your amazing support. Today was better slightly, not much at all, but at least a little bit. 

What was good?:

In the morning, I finally managed to act well. I took a walk in the afternoon and I spent more time with my parents.

What was bad?:

Somehow, I managed to avoid all of the work I could have done and didn't even work out. That was disappointing.

What would make tomorrow great?:

My surroundings are really messy right now. I have to remove distractions and start working finally. My phone has to be downstairs and not in the room I am working in. Otherwise, it doesn't work at all.

How do I live up to a plan when I didn't live up to the previous ones. This question circulates in my head all the time. I have kind of started to lose faith in myself and my ability to change. But that sets me up for disappointment. 

The thing is that I like to be comfortable and that change isn't easy. It's going to be hard and I have to push through that at some point. At last, pulling yourself out of a bad loop takes many takes.

 

I will go again tomorrow. Let's see how it plays out.

David

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Day 22:

I am journaling a little earlier today. Yesterday was bad, probably the worst day in a long time. That also translated into bad sleep. 

What was good today?:

I had a realisation. In three weeks, 22 Days to be exact my exams start. One is in the first week then two in the second one and in roughly over a month I am finished. However, apart from a little bit of Physics, I didn't do anything. Two scenarios: I continue as I did and fail my exams which makes everything a lot harder than it already is. Or I work hard right now, harder than ever did before and push through my comfort zone if I wanna have a chance to make it. Three weeks is nothing. Right now, the fear of failure is so present that it overpowers my urge to be comfortable. 

I just started improving. The chores I had to do were not helpful with that but at least I found a history podcast that makes the start of learning history easier. Furthermore, I had a great phone call with my grandparents. Tonight, I will finally commit to speaking to some friends and I am also looking forward to exercising right after I write here. Meditation for the last fifteen minutes before sleeping and planing out my tasks is crucial as well. All right, I still have three hours left.

 

What was bad?:

As I expected, I spent a lot of time on YouTube from 8 am to approximately 2 pm. That's an impressive six hours. I definitely need to change something up here. 

How will I conquer tomorrow?:

Did I ever mention that I love cold showers? They are the most energising thing in the world and are not even uncomfortable if you breathe in a controlled manner. They are part of my morning routine and create massive momentum. I will conserve that momentum and focus on Physics in the morning, doing some Maths and English in the afternoon and listening to the history podcast during chores. I am confident that I will be able to do this. Also, I will call my other grandparents and text or speak with some other friends and exercise. These are all the goals, I give myself. 

Tomorrow, I will probably do a priority list here.

Let's turn around. 

David

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3 hours ago, Captain_Pilz said:

Or I work hard right now, harder than ever did before and push through my comfort zone if I wanna have a chance to make it. Three weeks is nothing. Right now, the fear of failure is so present that it overpowers my urge to be comfortable. 

Thats the stuff man. Combine this with the tempting sweet honey that you would get, if you get it right and you are successful. Combine the two things and become a powerhouse. Maybe this process will change you that you fall in love with it and eventually start to enjoy it. Not just because of grades or exams. But because the stuff itself is interesting. Might happen. 🙂

3 hours ago, Captain_Pilz said:

Did I ever mention that I love cold showers?

This is so funny. It is the exact opposite for me. Nothing gets me more going than a nice and hot shower, which makes me feel like a baby in the womb again. xD

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Day 23:

I finally made it! Even though, I watched YouTube in the morning, I got work done at last!

What was good today?:

I am very lucky. As soon as I start so many things become immersive. I got back on track, learned for my Physics class and also worked out. Yesterday, I also had some fun with my friends after not hearing from them for a long time. The greatest thing might be that I managed to take action and get out of my head!

What was bad?:

First and foremost, I had a rough start in the morning. But as for the rest of the day, I have no complaints.

What will I do to conquer tomorrow?:

Figuring out some equations is kind of fun once you start. Tomorrow, I will kill Physics and Maths like I didn't do in a long time. Apart from that, I might finally pick up my drum sticks again.

 

 

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