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Vetsen88

Erik's Daily Journal

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Day 1

Well, here we are. The place I knew I've been needing to get to for a long time now. It's time to quit. It's finally time to exorcise this demon that's been controlling me for the last 26 years. And honestly... even just finally making the decision feels good. I'm not naive (or at least I'd like to think so). This isn't going to be easy. It'll be hard. Damn hard, but committing to this change has actually, surprisingly, given me a bit of hope. I'm also terrified. Gaming has, in a very real sense, been my entire life ever since I was 5 years old. I'm 31 now, and it has become such a core part of my identity that it's like carving a piece out of myself. That may sound bad, but I've long since realized that piece is a cancerous tumor, a disease.

Anyway, enough with the weird metaphors. I'm here to quit gaming, just like any of you who actually read this. This is my first day sober. My goal is to never play games again. They're just plain bad for me and have ruined my life. Because of them I never gained any social skills, which means I've never had a girlfriend, have no friends, and I am miserable as a result. Let me tell you, my friends, I am tired of being miserable. I've finally reached a point where I will do just about anything if it means I won't be miserable anymore. Thank God.

I'm spending too much time introducing myself instead of writing this like a personal journal, aren't I? Well, from now on I'm gonna write this like nobody's reading it, but I think that sums up my feelings for the day. I'll be back for day 2!

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Day 2

Today was pretty good! I handled a lot of cleaning around my apartment that I've been neglecting, went and got lunch with a friend I hadn't talked to in a few months, and completed my last day at the programming bootcamp I've been attending for the past six months. I nearly dropped out once because of my gaming addiction but boy does it feel good to have that under my belt. Now the job search begins! I also went food shopping and some other minor stuff. It's hard for me to fill all the time in the day now that I'm not gaming to be honest. I have some hobbies that I'm going to pick back up (playing guitar, studying Japanese) but I really need to figure out more than that, especially on the social side of things, if I'm going to be successful. I've been a member of a Buddhist organization for a couple years now but I haven't been too active in it. Part of the social puzzle will definitely be becoming more active with that, but I need to figure out how to build a social life from scratch... not going to be easy, is it? I find the hardest time so far to be at night, when my chores for the day are done and I'm tired and I JUST. WANT. TO. GAME. I hope it'll get easier, because it's pretty hard not to give in the voice in my head that says "Just one hour..." However, I shall persevere! For the sake of a brighter future!

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 Erik,

Have you purchased the respawn pack? Cam Adair (the manager of this network) advises to use this workbook if your desire to game is still strong.

Writing out your feelings in this journal will help you to detect your hidden emotions and targets. When you know the targets, you can fill the time with achieving them. 

You say you are underdeveloped socially, could you break that down? For me, social skills came gradually and developed faster when I was not shy/afraid of my identity.

So who are you by your calling? What do you study?

Edited by Amphibian220
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Hello and welcome! If you'd like to checkout social videos look at the link in my second to last post on my journal. I can send you a list of socializing books too if you'd like. 

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Welcome, Erik! You've made a good choice. If you stick with it, it will probably be one of the most rewarding experiences you've ever had. Just be careful during the first few weeks though, as cravings can be higher. After that though, hopefully things will calm down. Good luck!

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Thanks all for the replies!

Amphibian220, yes, I have bought the respawn pack! That's why I started this journal, as the videos highly recommended to do it. I hope what you're saying about journaling is right because to be honest I've really lost sight over the years of my goals and interests outside of gaming. I definitely have things I've always wanted to do, but I can't really say they're things that will fill enough time to fill the gaming void (like traveling the world). I'm sure I'll figure it out though. As for my social problems, well... it's hard to convey just how truly inept I am but I'll do my best. I think it might be most illustrative to say that I haven't had any friends in over 10 years (in the gaming world or without). Never any romantic relationships at all. It's not that I'm rude or nasty or anything... I'm just very very milquetoast and boring. I have no personality. People have told me I seem like I have no emotions. People have also told me they thought I was a serial killer when they first met me. But people don't hate me or anything, they just... don't notice me or think of me when they invite people out. I'm socially invisible. I have no idea what my calling is, either! I need to figure that out too. I guess I like to learn? Like I said, I'm practicing the guitar, learning Japanese... I also like to read about science.

Erik2.0, thank you! I will definitely check out those videos and I'd love any resources on socializing you could send my way. I obviously need all the help I can get in that area.

And finally, DaBest, thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm definitely aware that the first few weeks will be the hardest, but I'm going real hard on getting out of the house and finding other things to do so hopefully I'll make it!

And with that... on to day 3 of my journal.

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Day 3

Today was easier than yesterday, thankfully. Probably because I got out more. First off, I did modules 2 through 4 of the Respawn stuff. I even bought a whiteboard and wrote down a list of about 20 possible activities to do other than gaming on it so that when I feel bored or tired or whatever I can just look at it and pick one to do. I got a haircut I've been needing to get for a while... my hygiene and self-care has already improved loads. I showered and brushed my teeth today, both of which were very inconsistent when I was gaming. I'm still struggling a bit with filling the time, but there was thankfully a Buddhist meeting for me to go to tonight and I went and saw 1917 with a couple of the guys afterwards, thus the super late post. I'm super nervous about tomorrow though... I've made a promise to myself to get out and do something social every day and well, things usually don't go too well when I try to socialize. It's different with the Buddhist group because I've known most of them for a while (though I wouldn't call them friends either). New people, though... frankly, they terrify me. Still, the main thing I want to change in my life is my lack of a social group so I've got to just tough it out. Wish me luck.

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Dont stop moving Erik. Keep scoring little victories each day. Read Jay’s post on one year without gaming. It has a lot of practical information.

The moment I stop doing the right things, my mind goes back to simulating game battles. So I have to teach myself to be open minded and disciplined.

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