Unsure how to relate to my SO now

[Artemis]

Hi, 28yo

I’ve never been hugely addicted to gaming, but my SO introduced me to some.  After doing that for 1-2 years with him, I found myself with a lot of cravings, pushing aside other projects, etc. thinking about it a lot. Losing a lot of time. Lack of libido. Irritability. Me and my SO would sit beside each other and talk about the game, but I missed eye contact and touch and have a lot of goals. So in July I decided I wasn’t interested in gaming anymore - and stopped. 

Since then, my SO is willing to try and do anything with me. Very supportive, though he is a bit sad about me not playing. 

Unfortunately, much like my own gaming got on my nerves, his is starting to also. I love my SO, but it’s not attractive waking up and coming home to someone just on the comp. I started noticing he avoids showering to maximize game time (I asked him to please shower to not smell, which he agreed to, but often forgets). He really wants to game with his friends Saturday night (like all of Saturday, 6-8 hrs), and I am like, sure! But then he also wants to play 2-3 hrs a day, and he automatically defaults to it. We calculated it, and he wants 55 hours a week for gaming. This blew my mind. Tension has been building for months. I want to be supportive of the things that make him happy, but it just started grating and I asked if we could just have one day free and him only game in the morning while I am home before i wake up (I have school and a lot of hobbies every day that he games during also, in addition to the saturday all-nighters with his friends). He’d usually hop off the comp when I woke up (very accommodating). But even just always confronted with the imagery of him gaming got unattractive so I said yesterday, could you get off a few minutes before I get out of bed for a break from that imagery? We go to sleep at 2am generally. He set an alarm for 6:30 am to game as much as he wants before I wake (11am) and is his plan to keep doing. How will he have energy for anything else? 

Gaming makes him happy, so he doesn’t want to game less. He willingly gets off any time we have something planned, so that doesn’t seem like addiction to me? Sometimes I’d also like him to add to my life though with ideas and initiative. Am I being unreasonable? I have a tendency to be controlling to cope with stress and I really don’t want to be behaving inappropriately or asking for too much.

Is he addicted? Is it over? I want to empathize, but I honestly feel fed up. Hope this is appropriate as it does make it tempting for me to game too as a route to uncontentious time and him connecting to me. Anything I’ve introduced to him doesn’t seem to gravitate to him. We’re supposed to try parkour tonight (he said maybe - when he used to always be open to trying something). I can’t help but feel electing to have 4 hrs of sleep is sabotaging enjoying things like that. 

 

Thank you

 

 

 

 

 

[FenderUser]

On 11/26/2019 at 9:26 AM, Artemis said:

Hi, 28yo

I’ve never been hugely addicted to gaming, but my SO introduced me to some.  After doing that for 1-2 years with him, I found myself with a lot of cravings, pushing aside other projects, etc. thinking about it a lot. Losing a lot of time. Lack of libido. Irritability. Me and my SO would sit beside each other and talk about the game, but I missed eye contact and touch and have a lot of goals. So in July I decided I wasn’t interested in gaming anymore - and stopped. 

Since then, my SO is willing to try and do anything with me. Very supportive, though he is a bit sad about me not playing. 

Unfortunately, much like my own gaming got on my nerves, his is starting to also. I love my SO, but it’s not attractive waking up and coming home to someone just on the comp. I started noticing he avoids showering to maximize game time (I asked him to please shower to not smell, which he agreed to, but often forgets). He really wants to game with his friends Saturday night (like all of Saturday, 6-8 hrs), and I am like, sure! But then he also wants to play 2-3 hrs a day, and he automatically defaults to it. We calculated it, and he wants 55 hours a week for gaming. This blew my mind. Tension has been building for months. I want to be supportive of the things that make him happy, but it just started grating and I asked if we could just have one day free and him only game in the morning while I am home before i wake up (I have school and a lot of hobbies every day that he games during also, in addition to the saturday all-nighters with his friends). He’d usually hop off the comp when I woke up (very accommodating). But even just always confronted with the imagery of him gaming got unattractive so I said yesterday, could you get off a few minutes before I get out of bed for a break from that imagery? We go to sleep at 2am generally. He set an alarm for 6:30 am to game as much as he wants before I wake (11am) and is his plan to keep doing. How will he have energy for anything else? 

Gaming makes him happy, so he doesn’t want to game less. He willingly gets off any time we have something planned, so that doesn’t seem like addiction to me? Sometimes I’d also like him to add to my life though with ideas and initiative. Am I being unreasonable? I have a tendency to be controlling to cope with stress and I really don’t want to be behaving inappropriately or asking for too much.

Is he addicted? Is it over? I want to empathize, but I honestly feel fed up. Hope this is appropriate as it does make it tempting for me to game too as a route to uncontentious time and him connecting to me. Anything I’ve introduced to him doesn’t seem to gravitate to him. We’re supposed to try parkour tonight (he said maybe - when he used to always be open to trying something). I can’t help but feel electing to have 4 hrs of sleep is sabotaging enjoying things like that. 

 

Thank you

Hi Artemis, okay, I am back from work so here goes my reply! 

Well, it does seem that gaming was giving you a ton of problems, was not very furfilling and you had goals and projects that you wanted done that were not getting done due to gaming. It is a excellent idea that you stopped, good job! ? An hobby should be a fun way to spend time and relax, it should benefit your life, not the opposite and keep you from moving forward. 

You are not being unreasonable and as a matter of fact, I wish I had a girlfriend as loving and supporting as you! LOL You tried to accomodate him the best you could but 55 hours is A LOT, it is wayyy too much. It is not healthy for him and it certainly isn't healthy for you either. He won't have any energy left for you or other activities, I mean, we're all different but I couldn't even play 55 hours a week even if I wanted to! I'd have massive headaches and my eyes would hurt so bad. I'd get very agitated and would just not do it.

It is clear that he IS addicted but over? It depends of you. Set your limits, see what he does. Worse come worse, tell him it's either me or the video games but as I said, it depends on how fed up you are with this situation, how much you love him, if you could handle living without him. One thing for sure though, don't game just because you want to get closer to gim, it is very unhealthy and it is of you he fell in love with, not the video games. Unless he prefers his games to you, in which case, I would ask him to choose but it is your decision.

It is always going to be sabotaging your life and your goals, unless you confront him with the facts and be extremely honest, communications is very, very, important in a relationship.

Best of success to you and your relationship, hopefully he will see the light and get back on the right track!

Take care. ?  

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 28, 2019 by FenderUser

[Artemis]

22 hours ago, ismailkanaan said:

hmm i see i see , u are friends and both of you are involved in video games , so if u want to quit game u have to request that from him . and if he refuse then u should take that hard decision and not play with him .

then if he really likes you he will follow you , but if he is a reckless boy he will pull you back to the cycle of game addicting .

i recommend that you introduce him to this forum and to the channel of game quitters too , i am sure that both of you will quit at end and u will spend better time together ,

PEACE

That’s an idea. I’m not sure if gaming makes him unhappy necessarily. He is always willing to drop it if I have an idea for something to do, so I think I just need to listen better about his interests outside of gaming (he doesn’t have any yet) and see if we have enough that are compatible. 

I agree about staying strong about not playing games with him even if tempting. It’d support the short-term health of the relationship, but not the long-term health. 

[Ikar]

I think a good idea is to think about what attracted you to him in the first place. What did he do to attract you to be with him? Did he always play 50+ hours a week?

There ought be "Reclaim" program for loved ones for a couple dozen of bucks as well to help you out as well.

[seriousjay]

I feel extremely unqualified to answer this but I do have one bit of advice: if he is going to quit gaming, make sure that he's making that decision for himself and not for you. This is because if he does it for you, eventually he may resent you as the reason he can't play games anymore. Although this particular advice applies to virtually all changes, not just quitting something.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you're allowed to have your standards and boundaries. I think it's important that you stand firm in your desire to not share that video gaming activity with him if you feel it's damaging the relationship. Then it's up to him to decide what's important to him. I think you're on the right track in trying to find common interests outside of video games, and I hope that he comes around.

Anyways, you seem like a wonderful and strong person so I wish you all the best. I hope that you both find a happy ending to this stage of your relationship.

[Artemis]

On 11/27/2019 at 12:50 PM, Artemis said:

 

On 11/27/2019 at 2:55 PM, Ikar said:

I think a good idea is to think about what attracted you to him in the first place. What did he do to attract you to be with him? Did he always play 50+ hours a week?

There ought be "Reclaim" program for loved ones for a couple dozen of bucks as well to help you out as well.

 

I think this is really, really great advice. I have been thinking a lot about what initially attracted me to him since you mentioned it. I try to focus on those things. I was also thinking about listening better to his interests outside of gaming. My instant thought is (I have been listening, but he says he doesn't have any.). Now as I think about it, I think he has mentioned some things, but they're genuinely not interesting to me, so I have not even been seeing them as other interests. He actually used to play a lot more! He'd play 12-14 hrs every day, 7 days a week before we got together. Then he stopped playing pretty much all together (except when playing together). That lasted a couple years (he'd play when I'd be gone for a few weeks here or there traveling). But now it's just becoming a big part of his life again. He did bring up that he does see himself going to games when stressed (and it's been a stressful summer/fall). I should check out the "reclaim" program. I guess I'm kind of questioning if I want to reclaim the relationship. He used to pay a lot of attention to me with all his availability, which made me feel so special and attracted to him. He also was very creative. He still is, but I guess I'd like to see him use his creativity in other ways, but I'm not sure he is interested in that after a lot of heart to hearts. He's really content playing games it seems. He's very supportive of my ambitions (even financially). So do I stay with someone who supports me in my ambitions 1000% because they have none? I'd just like to see him in some new contexts though to like, spice things up (which I've explained several times). He's stopped gaming when I'm awake/at home. But hasn't seemed to quite figure out what he wants to do yet. Thanks again for the great advice! I think figuring out what I'm attracted to about him is the ultimate answer.

[Artemis]

On 11/27/2019 at 3:24 PM, seriousjay said:

I feel extremely unqualified to answer this but I do have one bit of advice: if he is going to quit gaming, make sure that he's making that decision for himself and not for you. This is because if he does it for you, eventually he may resent you as the reason he can't play games anymore. Although this particular advice applies to virtually all changes, not just quitting something.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you're allowed to have your standards and boundaries. I think it's important that you stand firm in your desire to not share that video gaming activity with him if you feel it's damaging the relationship. Then it's up to him to decide what's important to him. I think you're on the right track in trying to find common interests outside of video games, and I hope that he comes around.

Anyways, you seem like a wonderful and strong person so I wish you all the best. I hope that you both find a happy ending to this stage of your relationship.

I totally agree about that it should be his decision. I've even said pretty much that exact thing. I really appreciate you being supportive of boundaries. I agree! I'd never thought about it being okay to have "standards". I think, it's always been hard for me to leave relationships if the other person isn't doing anything "horrible" and loves me. (The phrase "a good man is hard to find" really convinces a person) Thank you for telling me it's okay to have standards. Though uncomfortable, I am internalizing that. I did play one game with him this week and I definitely got addicted fast. I stayed up really late and was crazy irritable. Fortunately it didn't get too in the way of all the amazing goals I've been staying strong on the past couple of months (I was only late to 2 classes this week from gaming - whereas I would have gotten a lot of agreement to just skip them). We're talking about what is important to ourselves. We checked out places we'd be interesting in volunteering in together (I have a couple of volunteer projects I'm already doing, but thought it'd be attractive to see him active too). But he hasn't followed up on the one he said he was interested in. I'm hesitant to make the inquiry before knowing if he just isn't motivated or is anxious (which I'd happily help with). Thank you so much for the well wishes. They mean a lot in a time of feeling alone. It also really boosts my self esteem to hear that. I don't know. I guess I feel like I want to leave the relationship if things don't get better (I'm still young, but not THAT young, and I've hung around before where things weren't really what I wanted, but again the guy was a really great person, and I just don't want to repeat that). Nonetheless, I'm so grateful to have stopped playing video games because if nothing else, I think it was a distraction from these bigger problems of us possibly not having compatible ambitions. Thanks again for your reply. Super appreciate it, and I'm open to any new ideas!

[Artemis]

On 11/27/2019 at 11:06 AM, FenderUser said:

Hi Artemis, okay, I am back from work so here goes my reply! 

 

Hey, Fender. Thanks a bunch! I agree. I feel pretty confident about being happy without gaming in my life (and honestly, I like gaming more than watching youtube, but I just find it so hard to turn off once I start) Some games I do benefit from the creativity or story. Just wish they were built to be able to "close after 20 minutes" better, or that my brain could do that. Can't wait to expand my chill out time to no more scrolling through reddit, youtube, etc. Reading is the best "leisure activity" i've come up with. I definitely have lots of hobbies! I guess my next assignment is leisure activities. Anyways, thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I agree that gaming is not healthy! Oddly, my partner really doesn't seem affected by gaming in the ways of becoming lethargic, hurting eyes, or irritability. We've been together for a while now, and I've never seen that. I think it comes out more that he tends to hmm, kind of separate from his own body sometimes, so he forgets some of my physical needs (eye contact, etc). He also seems to get a bit of loss of ambition (no motivation/ambition on other hobbies or personal development). We've talked a lot, and he has stopped playing when I'm awake or at home (except with his friends on Saturday nights 7pm to 3am..). He seemed to have an easier time when I explained seeing him on the computer makes me feel an unwelcomed urge to play. He also has recognized that gaming isn't healthy for me. I guess by setting that boundary, I did ask him to choose. I think other problems are happening (some related to gaming, some not) so I have noticed less compassion from him lately. He'd never ignore me before, but he has lately, and I wonder if it is resentment from the gaming stuff (will ask him). I've definitely been extremely honest. Even to clearly saying I don't feel attracted to him when seeing him play and I need to see him in new contexts.  I really wish you luck too! It feels good to get some support. I had talked to my sister, and well she just didn't seem to take it as seriously as everyone here, which I'm so grateful about. My family unfortunately is very much promoters of staying with people.. even if they're kind of whatever or you're not happy. I'm starting to see that pattern, and while I value the relationship I have with my siblings, I definitely don't think I'll ever bring up dating stuff to them again when so much of their attitude is to be accommodating (which I see I have been doing). So grateful for everyone here! 

[Ikar]

3 hours ago, Artemis said:

I think this is really, really great advice. I have been thinking a lot about what initially attracted me to him since you mentioned it. I try to focus on those things. I was also thinking about listening better to his interests outside of gaming. My instant thought is (I have been listening, but he says he doesn't have any.). Now as I think about it, I think he has mentioned some things, but they're genuinely not interesting to me, so I have not even been seeing them as other interests. He actually used to play a lot more! He'd play 12-14 hrs every day, 7 days a week before we got together. Then he stopped playing pretty much all together (except when playing together). That lasted a couple years (he'd play when I'd be gone for a few weeks here or there traveling). But now it's just becoming a big part of his life again. He did bring up that he does see himself going to games when stressed (and it's been a stressful summer/fall). I should check out the "reclaim" program. I guess I'm kind of questioning if I want to reclaim the relationship. He used to pay a lot of attention to me with all his availability, which made me feel so special and attracted to him. He also was very creative. He still is, but I guess I'd like to see him use his creativity in other ways, but I'm not sure he is interested in that after a lot of heart to hearts. He's really content playing games it seems. He's very supportive of my ambitions (even financially). So do I stay with someone who supports me in my ambitions 1000% because they have none? I'd just like to see him in some new contexts though to like, spice things up (which I've explained several times). He's stopped gaming when I'm awake/at home. But hasn't seemed to quite figure out what he wants to do yet. Thanks again for the great advice! I think figuring out what I'm attracted to about him is the ultimate answer.

I don't think you necessarily need a lot of shared interests, though it's good to have a couple of them. I think what attracts a woman to a man is that she thinks the man's life is able to incorporate both her and the possible offspring into his life WITHOUT losing his baseline identity that made the woman attracted to him in the first place. One could say women are by and large attracted to security and trust. If he's ambition-less, unwilling to make any changes on his own and malleable (i.e. he will do everything to not lose you, but nothing to gain you), it's a rare woman who is willing to stay in a relationship with a leader-less man, who has no other options than to be with her. They call these men henpecked.

Don't worry too much about your age. Yes, women are on a tighter biological clock, but I think it's not up until after 40 when they might start having issues having kids.

It sucks to write that, but if you're already questioning whether to blow a couple of dollars on Reclaim, then you probably got your answer whether or not to stay in the relationship. I don't write this easily, but I think I was in the same relationship, just on the side of the male and despite the flaws of my ex, I believe she made the right decision when she broke up with me for both of us.

If you're interested, a compact version of my story comparing the months before and after I quit gaming is here, to give you a hint about how I slowly began to turn my life around in a more meaningful direction. I'm content my insights have helped you so far ?

[seriousjay]

8 hours ago, Artemis said:

I totally agree about that it should be his decision. I've even said pretty much that exact thing. I really appreciate you being supportive of boundaries. I agree! I'd never thought about it being okay to have "standards". I think, it's always been hard for me to leave relationships if the other person isn't doing anything "horrible" and loves me. (The phrase "a good man is hard to find" really convinces a person) Thank you for telling me it's okay to have standards. Though uncomfortable, I am internalizing that. I did play one game with him this week and I definitely got addicted fast. I stayed up really late and was crazy irritable. Fortunately it didn't get too in the way of all the amazing goals I've been staying strong on the past couple of months (I was only late to 2 classes this week from gaming - whereas I would have gotten a lot of agreement to just skip them). We're talking about what is important to ourselves. We checked out places we'd be interesting in volunteering in together (I have a couple of volunteer projects I'm already doing, but thought it'd be attractive to see him active too). But he hasn't followed up on the one he said he was interested in. I'm hesitant to make the inquiry before knowing if he just isn't motivated or is anxious (which I'd happily help with). Thank you so much for the well wishes. They mean a lot in a time of feeling alone. It also really boosts my self esteem to hear that. I don't know. I guess I feel like I want to leave the relationship if things don't get better (I'm still young, but not THAT young, and I've hung around before where things weren't really what I wanted, but again the guy was a really great person, and I just don't want to repeat that). Nonetheless, I'm so grateful to have stopped playing video games because if nothing else, I think it was a distraction from these bigger problems of us possibly not having compatible ambitions. Thanks again for your reply. Super appreciate it, and I'm open to any new ideas!

Believe me, it took me a LONG time to accept that I'm allowed to have standards and if something isn't working for me, it's OK to walk away. You've done far beyond what I would expect anyone to do in your position, and you deserve to have a man that makes you happy and grateful to be with him every single day.

This is just my opinion of course, but if you ask me I think your relationship has gotten to the point where there is a serious incompatibility. You're not happy to the point where you're having to ask your SO to exercise basic personal hygiene, and he's probably getting more and more resentful of the fact that he can't do what he wants while you're around. This is not fair to either of you.

Also, I would strongly encourage you not to think in terms of your biological clock. The first and most important thing in a relationship is that both parties are happy. Of course there needs to be compromise on things, but it needs to come from a place of love and understanding. Two people that love each other will willingly make compromises for the sake of the other's happiness.

I hope your SO comes around and you can get back to a healthy relationship. ? If not, trust that it's OK to walk away and that you will find the right person for you.

[Artemis]

7 hours ago, Ikar said:

I don't think you necessarily need a lot of shared interests, though it's good to have a couple of them. I think what attracts a woman to a man is that she thinks the man's life is able to incorporate both her and the possible offspring into his life WITHOUT losing his baseline identity that made the woman attracted to him in the first place. One could say women are by and large attracted to security and trust. If he's ambition-less, unwilling to make any changes on his own and malleable (i.e. he will do everything to not lose you, but nothing to gain you), it's a rare woman who is willing to stay in a relationship with a leader-less man, who has no other options than to be with her. They call these men henpecked.

Don't worry too much about your age. Yes, women are on a tighter biological clock, but I think it's not up until after 40 when they might start having issues having kids.

 

I agree with a lot of your points, but I disagree with about everything in these two paragraphs. While good-intentioned, I think there are a lot of assumptions that come off as foolish. For example, I have zero desire to have children. When I talk about youth, I meant more like I want to be out running and jumping and learning before life is over.  In no ways was I referencing a biological clock. 2nd I'm definitely not looking for a leader ha ha (????), just a partner. 3rd, terms like "henpecked" seem often used to justify one's own bad behavior. In this case, I've mostly ever observed this kind of term to justify their own slothfulness. Not saying that is what you're doing, but name-calling strongly communicates that to the listener. It also categorizes people instead of behaviors, which can be counterproductive. I also don't think my partner has "lost his baseline identify" from being in the relationship. If anything, I'd say that gaming filled the opportunity of gaining that, but I even hesitate to put it that way. People aren't out to absorb other people's identities. At least not anyone I want to interact with. I agree, that doing actions to attract someone is important. I think some of the goals mentioned are great (having a sense of self, having balance between everyone's wants, actively nurturing a relationship instead of only doing "damage control"), but the reasoning to support the ideas could improve.

I only ask that you never go around again explaining what women want. It's incredibly patronizing and comes off as inexperienced.

I've heard the term man-splaining, and I never understood it until reading that. Ha haha XD (We all say dumb stuff, for example, my blind friend was helping me when I dumbly said blind people wouldn't care about a dark restaurant - she kindly pointed out that many blind people still have partial visibility and great lighting makes a big difference for navigating a space independently - I think that'd be called able-splaining ha haha). Ask, don't tell, I guess! 

I still appreciate the advice and I hope you will take some of mine too! Thanks for sharing your experiences. 

[Ikar]

23 minutes ago, Artemis said:

I agree with a lot of your points, but I disagree with about everything in these two paragraphs. While good-intentioned, I think there are a lot of assumptions that come off as foolish. For example, I have zero desire to have children. When I talk about youth, I meant more like I want to be out running and jumping and learning before life is over.  In no ways was I referencing a biological clock. 2nd I'm definitely not looking for a leader ha ha (????), just a partner. 3rd, terms like "henpecked" seem often used to justify one's own bad behavior. In this case, I've mostly ever observed this kind of term to justify their own slothfulness. Not saying that is what you're doing, but name-calling strongly communicates that to the listener. It also categorizes people instead of behaviors, which can be counterproductive. I also don't think my partner has "lost his baseline identify" from being in the relationship. If anything, I'd say that gaming filled the opportunity of gaining that, but I even hesitate to put it that way. People aren't out to absorb other people's identities. At least not anyone I want to interact with. I agree, that doing actions to attract someone is important. I think some of the goals mentioned are great (having a sense of self, having balance between everyone's wants, actively nurturing a relationship instead of only doing "damage control"), but the reasoning to support the ideas could improve.

I only ask that you never go around again explaining what women want. It's incredibly patronizing and comes off as inexperienced.

I've heard the term man-splaining, and I never understood it until reading that. Ha haha XD (We all say dumb stuff, for example, my blind friend was helping me when I dumbly said blind people wouldn't care about a dark restaurant - she kindly pointed out that many blind people still have partial visibility and great lighting makes a big difference for navigating a space independently - I think that'd be called able-splaining ha haha). Ask, don't tell, I guess! 

I still appreciate the advice and I hope you will take some of mine too! Thanks for sharing your experiences. 

My observations and opinions are mostly based on the fact that most women decide to HAVE children. I'd rather take the stab in the dark and put you in the approx. 85% of the women who want to have/have children and take the 15% of making myself a fool by doing so, rather than to write something 100% ubiquitous without any real depth to it. Back to your case, I hope you've made it known to your SO about your intention of not having children.

When I wrote "leader-less man", I meant a man who is out of touch about the realities of living a balanced life. If your SO has a job, gaming and the relationship with you as all there is to his life, his balance is (as you can already feel, because you seem to actively encourage him to do other things) fairly volatile. I don't think you are out there to "consume" him. What I'm thinking about is that I was in a relationship with a woman myself, where I let it define me from a large part, and whether there might be a chance your SO is doing the same with your relationship.

Finishing the loop again, women who have children at least like to have the feeling that they can lean on men who have their backs, especially when taking care of the infants, in case they need the support. I've never heard, seen or read about a woman whose life goal was to be a single mom.

I want to have a family eventually and a LOT of my worldview revolves around that, as you can see above. You decided to not have a family. We all have different worldviews and those create friction. I hope you can understand mine better now!

[seriousjay]

54 minutes ago, Ikar said:

Back to your case, I hope you've made it known to your SO about your intention of not having children.

At the risk of seeming rude, this is quite frankly none of our business and outside the scope of what this forum is about. I encourage you to continue offering advice and support but I think it would be best to stay away from giving unsolicited advice about something that is a strictly personal decision.

[Artemis]

 

30 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

At the risk of seeming rude, this is quite frankly none of our business and outside the scope of what this forum is about. I encourage you to continue offering advice and support but I think it would be best to stay away from giving unsolicited advice about something that is a strictly personal decision.

 

Yeah, thanks. That was getting a bit weird. ??? Not sure why the response was to further push justification for the assumed authority instead of introspection. Kind of weird that the first connection to my lack of interest in motherhood was an inkling I may also be deceptive.  Yikes. 

Anywho - you're right. I just need to focus on the now instead of the past.  Ha haha he has been showering more and even goes to the gym with his friend (though his friend has been quite busy, so I think that has been contributing). I always have full faith in him being open-minded, but just I think we're both mastering diligence. I feel really hopeful that no matter how things shake out, we both can still have great experiences (together or separate). I am seeing a lot of other parts of my life improving a lot since consuming less media. I think if I stay focused on that, everything will keep getting more clear! I'm also very grateful that we can talk about it openly. I also have been able to show him a lot more understanding from all the info from gamequitters and more patience with the forum support. After evolving my thoughts about it, I'm mostly interested in getting more patience and resolve towards my goals than wanting to control him if that makes sense. I think that's part of my hesitance on the reclaim program. But yeah! I'll definitely not panic and remember it's good to have standards. Thanks again for the support in more ways than one. Really lifts the spirit! 

[seriousjay]

47 minutes ago, Artemis said:

After evolving my thoughts about it, I'm mostly interested in getting more patience and resolve towards my goals than wanting to control him if that makes sense.

That is exactly right I think! Trying to control people is a futile effort that will only end up in resentment towards you. Be a beacon of light to your loved ones and show them how things can be better by your example. ?

[Guest]

Hi Artemis. ? Congrats of being brave and deciding to do something about this, starting with quitting playing yourself! Let's try answering your questions having your best interests in mind.

Is your SO addicted? Most definitely yes. Do you have any doubts? He wants to play 55 hours a week, neglects his hygiene, sleep, and your relationship. There is no doubt, and I believe the sooner you can embrace this difficult reality of him having addiction, the easier it will be for you to do something about.

Is it over? It doesn't have to be. Addiction is not the end of the world. Most people on this forum have addiction, but we learn to live with it (without playing) and have it not affect our lives. However! Crucially, you need to understand that being in a relationship with an addict is very difficult. Even if you SO fully commits to quit gaming all by himself (or cut it waaay down to a single digit of hours a week), it still won't be an easy process and he might relapse a few times. He might need a help of a therapist. And it might take years! But it's okay, if this is something you're willing to go through with him and it doesn't affect you too much.

This is your choice. You're not being controlling, or unreasonable, or asking too much. In fact, you've been asking too little. Most healthy adults wouldn't be satisfied being in a relationship you described, and you don't have to either. It's okay to empathise, I get it. Addiction is tragic. It's not his fault, he has a mental illness (addiction). But what about you? Do you deserve a happy life? Do you deserve a secure, intimate relationship? Yes you do. If your SO refuses to change, staying with him and being miserable won't help anybody.

Ask for help. You've been thrown into an extremely difficult situation, and you may not have the right skills to cope with it. This is why I think you and him should talk to a therapist. You most likely have your own weaknesses and insecurities that act as barriers to you being able to make best choices here for both of you. You don't have to be able to deal with this alone. So ask for help, even if you SO refuses, you will need this support yourself to help you through this period. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, and let me know if you have any questions or anything to add!

[masquerade]

Agreed with Th334. I think you are going very soft on him, which isn't doing him any favors either. A relationship with one partner living and active life and progressing and the other one withering away by playing 50 hours a week is unsustainable and will end sooner or later. The only way is to have a frank talk with him and saying a lot of the things you mentioned here in the forum.

If you say nothing and one day leave him because you are fed up you didn't give him a chance to change and didn't help him to make a positive change. Relationship issues need to be talked over in an honest and direct way, take it from someone who didn't do so for years.

[FenderUser]

On 12/1/2019 at 12:55 AM, Artemis said:

Hey, Fender. Thanks a bunch! I agree. I feel pretty confident about being happy without gaming in my life (and honestly, I like gaming more than watching youtube, but I just find it so hard to turn off once I start) Some games I do benefit from the creativity or story. Just wish they were built to be able to "close after 20 minutes" better, or that my brain could do that. Can't wait to expand my chill out time to no more scrolling through reddit, youtube, etc. Reading is the best "leisure activity" i've come up with. I definitely have lots of hobbies! I guess my next assignment is leisure activities. Anyways, thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I agree that gaming is not healthy! Oddly, my partner really doesn't seem affected by gaming in the ways of becoming lethargic, hurting eyes, or irritability. We've been together for a while now, and I've never seen that. I think it comes out more that he tends to hmm, kind of separate from his own body sometimes, so he forgets some of my physical needs (eye contact, etc). He also seems to get a bit of loss of ambition (no motivation/ambition on other hobbies or personal development). We've talked a lot, and he has stopped playing when I'm awake or at home (except with his friends on Saturday nights 7pm to 3am..). He seemed to have an easier time when I explained seeing him on the computer makes me feel an unwelcomed urge to play. He also has recognized that gaming isn't healthy for me. I guess by setting that boundary, I did ask him to choose. I think other problems are happening (some related to gaming, some not) so I have noticed less compassion from him lately. He'd never ignore me before, but he has lately, and I wonder if it is resentment from the gaming stuff (will ask him). I've definitely been extremely honest. Even to clearly saying I don't feel attracted to him when seeing him play and I need to see him in new contexts.  I really wish you luck too! It feels good to get some support. I had talked to my sister, and well she just didn't seem to take it as seriously as everyone here, which I'm so grateful about. My family unfortunately is very much promoters of staying with people.. even if they're kind of whatever or you're not happy. I'm starting to see that pattern, and while I value the relationship I have with my siblings, I definitely don't think I'll ever bring up dating stuff to them again when so much of their attitude is to be accommodating (which I see I have been doing). So grateful for everyone here! 

Hello again. My pleasure! I hear you. Mindless Internet browsing, playing video games, pornography, I know all those things are bad influences on my life, they hurt me and I keep doing them, while knowing full well how bad they hurt me. I guess if addictions were easy to kick, they would not be addictions in the first place, right? Yeah, video games are too long. Lately, I have been watching love movies and after an hour and a half, they're done and I'm giggling like crazy. lol World of Warcraft I played over 900 hours and it made me feel bad about myself many a time. Wow, you really did good Artemis and I'm proud of you. It must not have been easy but you did well and the more I write, the more I realise I love listening and helping others. My aunt said I would make a terrific therapist, I will definetly think about it. Thank you, I fell off the wagon AGAIN in december, had a little depression but am back on track and I was serious when I said I will keep fighting till I drop dead. I will either succeed or I'll die trying but there will be no regret! Yes, the anonymity has it's benefits, we can talk about lots of things we might be too shy to talk about in real life with relatives. I know when I talk about my personal life with others irl, I feel so embarassed and awkward, like I feel something is wrong with me and I don't want others to know/judge me. It makes me sad a bit but I will hang and I am grateful for others here and YOU, of course. Thanks for being here! 🙂 

[ceponatia]

It's rough because you really have two situations going on: your addiction and his addiction. They seem related because you both played together, but they're really two different phenomena. Relationships are always very complicated when you're dealing with addiction. Alcoholism has the AlAnon support group for wives and families of alcoholics but nothing like this exists yet for gaming addiction.

On 11/26/2019 at 9:26 AM, Artemis said:

Gaming makes him happy, so he doesn’t want to game less.

Certainly, but shooting heroin also makes heroin addicts happy. Dopamine is a heck of a thing. 🙂 I'm not going to try to give a bunch of advice because, while I do have a lot of experience with addicts, I'm new here and I'm new to video game addiction. I think it's admirable that you're trying to help your SO but one thing to keep in mind is that he won't quit unless he wants to. Chances are, we all got here because we wanted to quit, not because someone threatened us or begged us to quit. It might be different with gaming but in all my time coaching alcoholics and drug addicts, I've never met a single one who successfully quit because of somebody else.

Keep your chin up and focus on your own addiction for now.