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  1. Yeah, thanks. That was getting a bit weird. ??? Not sure why the response was to further push justification for the assumed authority instead of introspection. Kind of weird that the first connection to my lack of interest in motherhood was an inkling I may also be deceptive. Yikes. Anywho - you're right. I just need to focus on the now instead of the past. Ha haha he has been showering more and even goes to the gym with his friend (though his friend has been quite busy, so I think that has been contributing). I always have full faith in him being open-minded, but just I think we're both mastering diligence. I feel really hopeful that no matter how things shake out, we both can still have great experiences (together or separate). I am seeing a lot of other parts of my life improving a lot since consuming less media. I think if I stay focused on that, everything will keep getting more clear! I'm also very grateful that we can talk about it openly. I also have been able to show him a lot more understanding from all the info from gamequitters and more patience with the forum support. After evolving my thoughts about it, I'm mostly interested in getting more patience and resolve towards my goals than wanting to control him if that makes sense. I think that's part of my hesitance on the reclaim program. But yeah! I'll definitely not panic and remember it's good to have standards. Thanks again for the support in more ways than one. Really lifts the spirit!
  2. I agree with a lot of your points, but I disagree with about everything in these two paragraphs. While good-intentioned, I think there are a lot of assumptions that come off as foolish. For example, I have zero desire to have children. When I talk about youth, I meant more like I want to be out running and jumping and learning before life is over. In no ways was I referencing a biological clock. 2nd I'm definitely not looking for a leader ha ha (????), just a partner. 3rd, terms like "henpecked" seem often used to justify one's own bad behavior. In this case, I've mostly ever observed this kind of term to justify their own slothfulness. Not saying that is what you're doing, but name-calling strongly communicates that to the listener. It also categorizes people instead of behaviors, which can be counterproductive. I also don't think my partner has "lost his baseline identify" from being in the relationship. If anything, I'd say that gaming filled the opportunity of gaining that, but I even hesitate to put it that way. People aren't out to absorb other people's identities. At least not anyone I want to interact with. I agree, that doing actions to attract someone is important. I think some of the goals mentioned are great (having a sense of self, having balance between everyone's wants, actively nurturing a relationship instead of only doing "damage control"), but the reasoning to support the ideas could improve. I only ask that you never go around again explaining what women want. It's incredibly patronizing and comes off as inexperienced. I've heard the term man-splaining, and I never understood it until reading that. Ha haha XD (We all say dumb stuff, for example, my blind friend was helping me when I dumbly said blind people wouldn't care about a dark restaurant - she kindly pointed out that many blind people still have partial visibility and great lighting makes a big difference for navigating a space independently - I think that'd be called able-splaining ha haha). Ask, don't tell, I guess! I still appreciate the advice and I hope you will take some of mine too! Thanks for sharing your experiences.
  3. Love this post. I also like the video on gamequitter's youtube page about it. What other leisurely type activities have you found? I've found so many great hobbies that I'm being consistent with, but rest activities are trickier. I've only come up with reading. I've thought of meditation, but meditation actually doesn't feel very restful if that makes sense. I feel good and refreshed after, but I am curious about some other things that require less physical and mental energy.
  4. I think this sentence says a lot. I hope you have the courage for change. It sounds like neither of you are investing in you. He's definitely not doing it right now based on his actions (possibly because of addiction - you're definitely worth investment). So it's you're job to invest in you. I recommend stopping accommodating to his interest (like the puppy). Start focusing on things that you want to be spending your time on. Maybe some free Chinese classes at the university (universities have a surprising amount of stuff for the public) or painting, or dancing? I think when you've been investing into your interests (at least once a week), it'll be easier to have courage to be unimpressed with his activities to the point of setting boundaries. I think it'll also help reduce confusion about what is making you miserable. Every time you feel frustrated by his actions, do something for yourself : exercise, eat a nutritious-sating meal, make plans with a friend, go to a new club. If you choose a hobby or club, it usually takes a few months of consistently going before feeling like you belong, so don't be scared off! 2nd, recognize the part you are playing by not setting boundaries. Did you want the puppy? Your post sounds like you didn't. If he insisted, you conceded. I'm not saying he is behaving appropriately (at all), and I'm not saying that you have to live with the consequences. I'm just saying it's totally reasonable to say "I'm returning the puppy on Tuesday if you don't take care of it be then." and then give up the puppy at the shelter (it'll get adopted quick). There is nothing wrong with that. If he complains, you can say "by not taking care of the puppy, you agreed to that, you care enough to complain, but you didn't care enough to do anything". Good luck! And I recognize this is just a small picture.
  5. Hey, Fender. Thanks a bunch! I agree. I feel pretty confident about being happy without gaming in my life (and honestly, I like gaming more than watching youtube, but I just find it so hard to turn off once I start) Some games I do benefit from the creativity or story. Just wish they were built to be able to "close after 20 minutes" better, or that my brain could do that. Can't wait to expand my chill out time to no more scrolling through reddit, youtube, etc. Reading is the best "leisure activity" i've come up with. I definitely have lots of hobbies! I guess my next assignment is leisure activities. Anyways, thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I agree that gaming is not healthy! Oddly, my partner really doesn't seem affected by gaming in the ways of becoming lethargic, hurting eyes, or irritability. We've been together for a while now, and I've never seen that. I think it comes out more that he tends to hmm, kind of separate from his own body sometimes, so he forgets some of my physical needs (eye contact, etc). He also seems to get a bit of loss of ambition (no motivation/ambition on other hobbies or personal development). We've talked a lot, and he has stopped playing when I'm awake or at home (except with his friends on Saturday nights 7pm to 3am..). He seemed to have an easier time when I explained seeing him on the computer makes me feel an unwelcomed urge to play. He also has recognized that gaming isn't healthy for me. I guess by setting that boundary, I did ask him to choose. I think other problems are happening (some related to gaming, some not) so I have noticed less compassion from him lately. He'd never ignore me before, but he has lately, and I wonder if it is resentment from the gaming stuff (will ask him). I've definitely been extremely honest. Even to clearly saying I don't feel attracted to him when seeing him play and I need to see him in new contexts. I really wish you luck too! It feels good to get some support. I had talked to my sister, and well she just didn't seem to take it as seriously as everyone here, which I'm so grateful about. My family unfortunately is very much promoters of staying with people.. even if they're kind of whatever or you're not happy. I'm starting to see that pattern, and while I value the relationship I have with my siblings, I definitely don't think I'll ever bring up dating stuff to them again when so much of their attitude is to be accommodating (which I see I have been doing). So grateful for everyone here!
  6. I totally agree about that it should be his decision. I've even said pretty much that exact thing. I really appreciate you being supportive of boundaries. I agree! I'd never thought about it being okay to have "standards". I think, it's always been hard for me to leave relationships if the other person isn't doing anything "horrible" and loves me. (The phrase "a good man is hard to find" really convinces a person) Thank you for telling me it's okay to have standards. Though uncomfortable, I am internalizing that. I did play one game with him this week and I definitely got addicted fast. I stayed up really late and was crazy irritable. Fortunately it didn't get too in the way of all the amazing goals I've been staying strong on the past couple of months (I was only late to 2 classes this week from gaming - whereas I would have gotten a lot of agreement to just skip them). We're talking about what is important to ourselves. We checked out places we'd be interesting in volunteering in together (I have a couple of volunteer projects I'm already doing, but thought it'd be attractive to see him active too). But he hasn't followed up on the one he said he was interested in. I'm hesitant to make the inquiry before knowing if he just isn't motivated or is anxious (which I'd happily help with). Thank you so much for the well wishes. They mean a lot in a time of feeling alone. It also really boosts my self esteem to hear that. I don't know. I guess I feel like I want to leave the relationship if things don't get better (I'm still young, but not THAT young, and I've hung around before where things weren't really what I wanted, but again the guy was a really great person, and I just don't want to repeat that). Nonetheless, I'm so grateful to have stopped playing video games because if nothing else, I think it was a distraction from these bigger problems of us possibly not having compatible ambitions. Thanks again for your reply. Super appreciate it, and I'm open to any new ideas!
  7. I think this is really, really great advice. I have been thinking a lot about what initially attracted me to him since you mentioned it. I try to focus on those things. I was also thinking about listening better to his interests outside of gaming. My instant thought is (I have been listening, but he says he doesn't have any.). Now as I think about it, I think he has mentioned some things, but they're genuinely not interesting to me, so I have not even been seeing them as other interests. He actually used to play a lot more! He'd play 12-14 hrs every day, 7 days a week before we got together. Then he stopped playing pretty much all together (except when playing together). That lasted a couple years (he'd play when I'd be gone for a few weeks here or there traveling). But now it's just becoming a big part of his life again. He did bring up that he does see himself going to games when stressed (and it's been a stressful summer/fall). I should check out the "reclaim" program. I guess I'm kind of questioning if I want to reclaim the relationship. He used to pay a lot of attention to me with all his availability, which made me feel so special and attracted to him. He also was very creative. He still is, but I guess I'd like to see him use his creativity in other ways, but I'm not sure he is interested in that after a lot of heart to hearts. He's really content playing games it seems. He's very supportive of my ambitions (even financially). So do I stay with someone who supports me in my ambitions 1000% because they have none? I'd just like to see him in some new contexts though to like, spice things up (which I've explained several times). He's stopped gaming when I'm awake/at home. But hasn't seemed to quite figure out what he wants to do yet. Thanks again for the great advice! I think figuring out what I'm attracted to about him is the ultimate answer.
  8. That’s an idea. I’m not sure if gaming makes him unhappy necessarily. He is always willing to drop it if I have an idea for something to do, so I think I just need to listen better about his interests outside of gaming (he doesn’t have any yet) and see if we have enough that are compatible. I agree about staying strong about not playing games with him even if tempting. It’d support the short-term health of the relationship, but not the long-term health.
  9. Hey! Thanks for sharing your story. I think the bass sounds amazing. I like playing piano to relax. The euphoria is great. It likely won’t happen every time one practices, but each practice is important and worthwhile and the euphoria does return. As for human touch. I dated a person with a similar inexperience with human touch. It’s possible your own proprioception with your own body is also a bit dusty. I highly recommend getting active NOW. Even if just a walk or stretch this second as you read this. Also as a primer for when you begin interacting with whoever you choose in a loving way, I recommend taking up something like massage therapy to get that development happening. I noticed after long times of being out of our bodies and “in games” it can be challenging to be present with what is happening with our own bodies and another person’s. Playing bass is great for a tactile interaction. Could try massage therapy, partner acrobatics, hair styling, medical care, ballroom dancing, rock climbing, dancing in general, tennis, or lots of other things to get confident of being aware of your body and another person’s body during physical activities. If massage school is not in your budget, even some massage classes on youtube would be good (then practice on a friend/family member!). Seems you want to share touch with a woman based on what I’m reading. Get practice with your body to be more confident with your body (and more respectful of hers ) for the romantic situation. Good luck!
  10. It may be something you were avoiding thinking about with gaming, which is why it might feel more prevalent. I suspect the thought is there. I tend to look at my phone at night to avoid those thoughts. Transitioning out of that by creating stories in my heads or like amusing questions like “If a culture existed in a fantasy world, what would their curse words be?”. Could take this a step further by real-life questions “What are some solutions for people in wheelchairs to have more independence at a grocery store if they can’t reach the shelves. What design would help them?”. I suspect your brain is stimulating itself with far-out questions, see if you can amuse it with something still interesting and challenging, but perhaps connects you to the community or your own creativity to feel more anchored after.
  11. Fried Green Tomatoes by Fannie Flagg ? It really inspires me to connect to others, have my own adventures, and build important friendships.
  12. Hi, 28yo I’ve never been hugely addicted to gaming, but my SO introduced me to some. After doing that for 1-2 years with him, I found myself with a lot of cravings, pushing aside other projects, etc. thinking about it a lot. Losing a lot of time. Lack of libido. Irritability. Me and my SO would sit beside each other and talk about the game, but I missed eye contact and touch and have a lot of goals. So in July I decided I wasn’t interested in gaming anymore - and stopped. Since then, my SO is willing to try and do anything with me. Very supportive, though he is a bit sad about me not playing. Unfortunately, much like my own gaming got on my nerves, his is starting to also. I love my SO, but it’s not attractive waking up and coming home to someone just on the comp. I started noticing he avoids showering to maximize game time (I asked him to please shower to not smell, which he agreed to, but often forgets). He really wants to game with his friends Saturday night (like all of Saturday, 6-8 hrs), and I am like, sure! But then he also wants to play 2-3 hrs a day, and he automatically defaults to it. We calculated it, and he wants 55 hours a week for gaming. This blew my mind. Tension has been building for months. I want to be supportive of the things that make him happy, but it just started grating and I asked if we could just have one day free and him only game in the morning while I am home before i wake up (I have school and a lot of hobbies every day that he games during also, in addition to the saturday all-nighters with his friends). He’d usually hop off the comp when I woke up (very accommodating). But even just always confronted with the imagery of him gaming got unattractive so I said yesterday, could you get off a few minutes before I get out of bed for a break from that imagery? We go to sleep at 2am generally. He set an alarm for 6:30 am to game as much as he wants before I wake (11am) and is his plan to keep doing. How will he have energy for anything else? Gaming makes him happy, so he doesn’t want to game less. He willingly gets off any time we have something planned, so that doesn’t seem like addiction to me? Sometimes I’d also like him to add to my life though with ideas and initiative. Am I being unreasonable? I have a tendency to be controlling to cope with stress and I really don’t want to be behaving inappropriately or asking for too much. Is he addicted? Is it over? I want to empathize, but I honestly feel fed up. Hope this is appropriate as it does make it tempting for me to game too as a route to uncontentious time and him connecting to me. Anything I’ve introduced to him doesn’t seem to gravitate to him. We’re supposed to try parkour tonight (he said maybe - when he used to always be open to trying something). I can’t help but feel electing to have 4 hrs of sleep is sabotaging enjoying things like that. Thank you