Vidar’s journal

[Vidar]

Day #26

 

Gratitude journal

i am grateful to the mother who was live streaming on badoo and talked about never bringing guys home to her son. She protects him from her sexuality which is healthy. 

I am grateful to myself for doing laundry, packing 8n time and packing an extra bag with workout gear.

i am grateful 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I got contacted by a woman on a dating app.

 

Workout/run

100 “pushups” I’m too weak to do proper ones so I stand on my knees ? but that’s fine

 

What I ate

Some yoghurt for breakfast, pasta and cheese for lunch, crisps for dinner... I need to make some noodles or something...

 

what I will eat tomorrow

Yoghurt for breakfast, hamburger at airport, dinner with parents

 

Arts

Painted self portrait while live streaming on badoo (no one joined the chat lol)

 

Singing

Nopes

 

social activities

some work meetings, listened to some live-streams, tried some live streaming myself. It was scary even though no one was there. Just the exposure. I will practice it some more. 

 

Meditation

none

 

Visualisation

i will have an enjoyable Christmas with family

 

Daily affirmation

I will heal because I want to heal

 

Reading + taking notes

none

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Nopes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done)

 

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i brought myself to the art class

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

gone out of my home, just done some shopping but I did not eat enough so I was tired.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Get up on time to get to airport

eat!!!

[Vidar]

Gratitude journali am grateful to my sister for being there.

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

I met my sister and we had a long good talk

 

Workout/run

100 fake pushups

 

What I ate

Hot Chocolate and sandwich, shrimp sandwich at airport, some bread with cheese and yam. Salmon potatoes and soup. Some Xmas candy.

 

what I will eat tomorrow

no idea, no control at my parents place, my dad runs the show

 

Arts

drew some sketches of people in airplane

 

Singing

some breathing excercises

 

social activities

dinner with family, talk with sister

 

Meditation

Breathing excercises

 

Visualisation

i will have an enjoyable Christmas with family

 

 

Daily affirmation

I will heal because I want to heal

 

Reading + taking notes

none

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Nopes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Buy a swimming card

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done)

 

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today:

i brought myself to the art class

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

gone out of my home, just done some shopping but I did not eat enough so I was tired.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Get up on time to get to airport

eat!!!

[Vidar]

First day at my parents place. Four days to go. Feels super awkward around my mom. 

Reading a book about becoming a manager. Sounds really shitty tbh. Not sure what to do. 

Feel really bitter about my life and my parents place bring up all the shitty memories. My youngest sister is 7 years younger than me and she is more settled then me. I just feel like such a huge freaking looser. All my thoughts are fragmented. I don’t talk to my parents at all. I feel discussing because I channel some sexual energy through my mom. I think the covert incest has been going both ways. I just want it to stop.

I did run/walk 10km today. I need to hit the gym to build more muscle strength. Slept the whole afternoon as I don’t usually move around that long stretches of time. 

I think I’m too dysfunctional to function in a relationship. My best bet I think will be to get a dog. It will force me to become more social. But then I also need a car. A King Charles cavalier would be good. They are small, social and silent. 

My parents have  been asking about my apartment shopping. I told mom I don’t want to talk about it. She accepted that.but I know she is persistent and will ask again until I answer.

 

just feels like shit, everything

 

[Amphibian220]

Let me work on these negative suggestions of the mind that you listed in your post Vidar: “Im far behind in development than my peers, its all bad”. Are you really? This thing is deceiving you.

 

They crept up in my life at different stages until my observations enabled me to detect the complexity of this issue. I was a top student in my group at university and got a into a job with a relatively high salary. But a number of health issues and character issues forced me to leave the job. I did some reading and noticed that these crises can hit even high achievers.

Would you believe it that one of the astronauts that walked on the moon, sharpest mind, cool under pressure, later on found it hard to adapt to life on the earth? Then he was forced to sell second hand vehicles until he kept fighting his fight and ultimately recovered from his afflictions. Do you believe this?

What about a guy that dropped out of a red brick university, to become a technology billionaire? He didnt “fail”, but just realized that he had such a great business plan that getting this degree was a mediocre diversion.

Or the fighter that didn’t have money to pay for his school even, was forced to do different jobs to support his family? Then there were laws that precluded him from working in certain jobs. He taught himself and became one of the greatest in his field!

Turns out success isn’t a template, huh?

 

Pay attention to the fact that to some, difficulties of character, mental state are excuses . To others, various difficulties are the drivers and triggers of their success. Henry Ford: “oncoming wind only helps the plane to climb”

 

One final story for you that touched me personally. French embassy in Moscow, USSR required a native doctor. They commissioned a doctor who hated the job in Moscow. If you’d see Moscow in the 80s, it was very gray, extremely cold winters and the people were very different to the French folk. He spoke to his Russian counterpart and insisted he wanted to return to France so that he could be a “cog” of its society. The Russian said “This isn’t all tha life is about. Do you really want to be a “cog” that can only function in a set of certain conditions? Can you exist and do good in adversity? In difficult and unfamiliar conditions?”

This frenchman had inner freedom. Why? Because he was actively listening and attempting to understand what the Russian was saying. There are higher level freedoms than that, but of that later. Suffice to say, some people are incapable of having inner freedom, of looking at a situation from a different angle.

 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2019 by Amphibian220

[Vidar]

Second day with family, three days to go.

we went together to a Christmas market. I got my driving license about two years ago. It might have been the first time I have been driving my family around. My dad enjoyed it a lot. When I was unemployed a couple of years in my 20s I lived with my parents on the country side. My dad had to drive me around if I needed to get somewhere. It just killed me. I hated it so much. I hated myself so much. It was so humiliating. At the same time I was trying to take the driving license. I tried 5 times to take the test. I was practice driving for about ten years. Still could not make it. Then when I moved to a small city in the north I managed to take it. I was 34, but still. 

My sister has a boyfriend who has a car and she said one of the reasons she fell for him was because he had a car. 

They talked about all their adventures they had been to in their car. I felt terrible. Imagine all the things I’ve missed out on, the road trips. The girlfriends, the adventures. The sex, the fun times with friends. My life is a desert.

im so bitter about all these things.

i took some pictures on the market of my family. I had no camera phone in my teenage years, and no camera in my twenties. In other words I have no picture memories of me between 12 and 35. It’s like I have not existed. If we have done things it’s me taking pictures of others. I don’t exist. 

I’m detached from my family. It’s like I’m there but I’m not part of what is going on. 

Its depressing.

[Vidar]

My parentes have never had any expectations on me whatsoever. It’s just a void I had to fill. They just talk about themselves. I think a good friend or parent should ask how I’m doing from time to time. 

[Vidar]

I payed for the groceries and I cooked dinner!

A bit of background info is needed. 

My parents have very strong routines and my dad has always been the one cooking. My sisters socialized early with him and they learned how to cook together. I just hid in my room and played computer games. My parents just let me sit there, there was never any demands on helping out with food, cooking or cleaning. So there I sat until I was 30. 

During Christmas it became even more extreme. My dad would cook all the food by himself. My sisters and their husbands would sometimes be asked to cook food, but never me. All the routines were set up by my parents to their comfort. Same thing with groceries. My dad always paid for all the food. I never had any money. Perhaps I would have joined him to the store, where I would walk around while he was shopping. This was in my late 20s btw. I lived like a pet animal.

This made me feel like I was never part of the Christmas celebrations, where my dad would do all those things times ten. He would also clean. My mom took care of the horses (her hobby).

 

So my dad did not ask for it, but I decided I wanted to cook and I did it. I also payed for the groceries in the store. Seems super stupid probably but it was a big step forward for me in breaking some very dysfunctional family dynamics/patterns.

Edited December 23, 2019 by Vidar

[Vidar]

23 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Pay attention to the fact that to some, difficulties of character, mental state are excuses . To others, various difficulties are the drivers and triggers of their success. Henry Ford: “oncoming wind only helps the plane to climb”

I think the word “excuses” is very important here, as it’s a way to escape responsibility. I blame my parents for a lot of things. Though I think I have the right to be angry at them for not raising me well and taking care of their own issues, it’s not their job to fix me as an adult. If you read the above post about Christmas, it’s clear that while they avoided putting expectations and trust as well as wanted me to be an capable adult, I equally avoided to take on those responsibilities on my own.

I have done an enormous amount of harm to myself and I keep doing it. I think the only way of dealing with it is to absorb the responsibility, shame in small bits and keep at it over a longer timeframe. There is just so much of it for one serving.

About the negative thinking.. I think I’ve done it for my whole life as I remember people complaining about my pessimism in early school. I read a bit about it and it is to some degree genetic, to some degree learned behavior. I think I need to somehow package it better, since it’s difficult to completely eradicate personality traits. One component is definitely fear. I was afraid my whole childhood from my mother and bullies in school. So my amygdala has become overactive. One of my therapists said that the only way to retrain it is by breathing excercises (it’s in the reptile brain). So that’s what I will do.

[Amphibian220]

Vidar,

One of the things that happened to upset me more is the perception that success is a “template”. I programmed myself to think that I have to have certain things to be happy. Before circumstances showed me that life is way more varied than that! You will be amazed at how people discover their vocation. Look at Cam Adair, how many places he has visited!? He has made submissions to the UK Givernment already. All because whenever shitty thoughts came “This isn’t going to happen, this isn’t serious” He responded “ Its going to happen, I’ll just keep attacking, again, again and again”

Fill your time with habits that together serve a greater purpose, set yourself a great goal, something that requires a lot of discipline and resolve. I swear this whole world with all its people and riches will fall to your feet, whether it likes it or not.

we want to be happy guys on the sidelines, not exposing ourselves to danger, but we are in the firing line! We are at war, you can feel it. The forces that act against us are not immediately perceptible. Did any of us know that games are dangerous to play? Did Cam Adair know? Did you know?

how about my topic DNA and phantom pain- Did you know about this?

utter your war cry and be zealous with your goals

edit: like the fact you are trying new things and showing initiative

Edited December 23, 2019 by Amphibian220

[Ikar]

17 hours ago, Vidar said:

My sister has a boyfriend who has a car and she said one of the reasons she fell for him was because he had a car. 

Hehe, the way you put it sounds a bit funny, but it's true. I think at least having a car license is something that is never wasted. I think it is like working out, knowing how to cook, keeping your flat/room relatively clean or having a job that you like and you are good at. It shows a general level of competence and I'd say women crave that.

8 hours ago, Vidar said:

I just hid in my room and played computer games. My parents just let me sit there, there was never any demands on helping out with food, cooking or cleaning. So there I sat until I was 30. 

Good observation. I think I was in the same spot. On one hand, I was sort of happy that nobody really wanted anything from me, on the other hand it felt strange and I was likely to be disgruntled if I was asked to do something.

[Vidar]

Gratitude journal

i am grateful for my familj and friends of my familj for organizing Christian partiets.

i am grateful for the compliment i got from a younger attractive woman for my sweater.

i am grateful for the reply I got from my tinder dates whisking merry Christmas. 
I am grateful for a Christmas greeting I got from a crappy friend I ditched some time ago. 

 

One amazing thing that happened/I did today

i got a compliment for my sweater from this friend of the family. She is about 6 years younger and I’ve always had a crush on her. 

 

Workout/run

None too lazy

 

What I ate

Some yoghurt and musli for breakfast. Porridge for lunch. Candy for afternoon snack. Christmas dinner. Candy and a couple of beers late in the evening. I did not have any drinks while eating, to avoid starting to blabber and leak emotions.

 

what I will eat tomorrow

Leftovers from today, candy and beer ?

 

Arts

Took a bunch of pictures of family and friends.

 

Singing

We sang some Christmas songs. I used the techniques I learned. Not perfectly on tone but smooth pressure and breathing.

 

social activities

Met with family and friends. 

 

Meditation

maybe creepy but I watched some porn in the afternoon. Wanted to control/own my sexuality in the context of my parents home. 
 

Visualisation

i will meet my friends after Christmas and have a great time!

 

Daily affirmation

My voice and opinions matter.

 

Reading + taking notes

Read some chapters in a book called Lust. Its about couples in therapy and about how sex and intimacy and love are separate things. I think I fit the profile that craves closeness and love. But this also kills sexual tension. I will read it and review it more in depth later on.

 

Getting to bed before 9pm

Nopes

 

Weekly Goal(s)

Be social and enjoy it on my terms. 

 

Monthly Goal

Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done)

 

 

3 Month Goal

stopped playing video games

finished a course in personal finance

enjoyable Christmas with family

 

What went well today

i Socialized to the extent I wanted to. 

 

What I could have done to make my day better:

i could have helped out more in the cooking part.

 

What I will do differently tomorrow:

Work out.

[Amphibian220]

Vidar,

good effort, but drop the bad habit. where is your burning desire to achieve your goal?

Edited December 25, 2019 by Amphibian220

[Vidar]

I survived the holidays! Now i need more vacation...

I have spent time with all my friends and family. It was a great time. I also spent a lot of time with the children of my sisters and my friends. I’m like the cool uncle with the cool gadgets. I like this role ?

I chatted with a woman on and off over the weekend. 
 

tomorrow I will be off, just washing my clothes and preparing for the move. 

[Vidar]

I’m going through a crisis. 
For some time now I have noticed that several friends and relatives have been slow to respond to text messages and such. Now I realized they have blocked me. I looked through social media and text message logs. It’s just my messages there and I can’t see their posts on Instagram. Feels really shitty that I can’t maintain relationships or behave since I only have 1 friend left now outside my family and colleagues. 

I know the reasons also. I’ve not maintained boundaries with them, you know the appropriate social codes. Of course I creep them out. 

i also found some issues with the apartment I bought and I could not help myself from sending text messages to the seller and to the broker in the middle of the night on Friday. 

Im  loosing my mind...

next week I will start family therapy with dad at least and on Friday I will need a sex therapist. 
 

 

I’ve been leaking emotions and behaved really weirdly the whole autumn. I don’t know what to do...

[ElectroNugget]

Vidar, that sounds really tough with everyone blocking you! It's just awful that a lot of people would cut you off without saying anything! You say you've broken boundaries with them, I'm not sure entirely what this means, but at least you are aware of your own behavior. That is the first step. Is there no way to reach out to these people and explain/apologize for whatever you believe caused this?

That said, without more information it's hard for me to tell if it's a problem with your behavior or a problem with your family and friends. Try not to beat yourself up too much about this, as it will only worsen the situation. You need to keep trying to love yourself regardless, and keep trying to improve. Maybe if you are honest with your family about your flaws and your struggles right now, that will help them see why you've 'behaved strangely'. 

Anyways, best of luck! Keep on trying. Sometimes life can really fall apart, but surviving these moments will transform you and make you stronger. 

Edited January 11, 2020 by ElectroNugget

[Amphibian220]

I cannot withold from saying how much I disagree with you on one of your regrets. 

I never had a girlfriend in my life- the TV guilt tripping worked until I stopped watching it, removed the poison from my head and just acknowledged not everything that you are bombarded with is true. 

What have I missed out on? Nothing. There are people today that have little food to eat, no shelter, and in debt in many countries.

Its this deceitful programming  - “you have to have a girlfriend, you have to experience parties etc. or you are a loser”. 

I know people that ticked these boxes of modernity and came to being morally broke. Ever wonder why movies have disclaimers “makers of this film dont support the themes expressed in it”?

[Vidar]

Still in panic mode 12h later. 
 

I just hate myself for fucking things up so much. My insane lack of social skills and my financial fuckups. 
 

I just want to feel safe. 
 

need to go out and buy a laundry machine. New apartment does not have one. 
 

if I don’t use the shower in the new apartment I can live there safely. I will smell a bit but that’s ok I guess. 

[Vidar]

On 1/11/2020 at 2:19 AM, ElectroNugget said:

Vidar, that sounds really tough with everyone blocking you! It's just awful that a lot of people would cut you off without saying anything! You say you've broken boundaries with them, I'm not sure entirely what this means, but at least you are aware of your own behavior. That is the first step. Is there no way to reach out to these people and explain/apologize for whatever you believe caused this?

That said, without more information it's hard for me to tell if it's a problem with your behavior or a problem with your family and friends. Try not to beat yourself up too much about this, as it will only worsen the situation. You need to keep trying to love yourself regardless, and keep trying to improve. Maybe if you are honest with your family about your flaws and your struggles right now, that will help them see why you've 'behaved strangely'. 

Anyways, best of luck! Keep on trying. Sometimes life can really fall apart, but surviving these moments will transform you and make you stronger. 

Thanks for the comment @ElectroNugget! I think if a person feels toxic it is ok to silently block them. Of course it is better to tell the person, but if you don’t feel like being friends anymore it is ok. I did this with a friend of my own after repeated arguments by advice from my therapist. 

The problem I think is that I’m being too honest, dumping my problems on them. I wear out friendships quickly. 

You are right about the self compassion, I’m slowly getting better at it. 

I stabilized a bit yesterday evening. Friday, Saturday I was up at 9/10 in anxiety. Just chaos. Now I’m down to maybe 5/10. 
 

to get better at social skills I signed up on a course in improv theater. 10 times. Let’s see how it goes.

 

[BooksandTrees]

7 hours ago, Vidar said:

Thanks for the comment @ElectroNugget! I think if a person feels toxic it is ok to silently block them. Of course it is better to tell the person, but if you don’t feel like being friends anymore it is ok. I did this with a friend of my own after repeated arguments by advice from my therapist. 

The problem I think is that I’m being too honest, dumping my problems on them. I wear out friendships quickly. 

You are right about the self compassion, I’m slowly getting better at it. 

I stabilized a bit yesterday evening. Friday, Saturday I was up at 9/10 in anxiety. Just chaos. Now I’m down to maybe 5/10. 
 

to get better at social skills I signed up on a course in improv theater. 10 times. Let’s see how it goes.

 

This is a huge thing to discuss with your therapist. You don't want to isolate yourself by putting your issues on others. I'm not sure how old you are, but I've learned most of the people you're going to meet will never care about you the way you want. I'm not saying this in a negative way, but a realistic way. People hang out with friends as a form of escape from their own problems most of the time. Other times they just want to have fun. 

I've been very transparent in my diary on here. When I'm that transparent with my friends they quiet down and don't invite me to fun things anymore because they think I'm a downer. They also might want to complain about stuff themselves and not have you take up the whole conversation. 

Ask your therapist for a suggestion and then practice it. I've found that when I'm losing my mind over stress the best ways for me to properly handle my thoughts are to go for a30 minute walk or 1 hour even. I start to game plan how to handle my issues instead of looking to tell other people. I then become determined to accomplish my goals so I'm not bogged down by them. 

I would say you're only going to have roughly 1 to 3 people in your entire life who will want you to share all of your details and want to share their details with you. Everyone else is just to hang out with, socialize, and have a healthy form of escapism that isn't video games or drug and alcohol influenced. 

Good luck. 

[Vidar]

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This is a huge thing to discuss with your therapist. You don't want to isolate yourself by putting your issues on others. I'm not sure how old you are, but I've learned most of the people you're going to meet will never care about you the way you want. I'm not saying this in a negative way, but a realistic way. People hang out with friends as a form of escape from their own problems most of the time. Other times they just want to have fun. 

I've been very transparent in my diary on here. When I'm that transparent with my friends they quiet down and don't invite me to fun things anymore because they think I'm a downer. They also might want to complain about stuff themselves and not have you take up the whole conversation. 

Ask your therapist for a suggestion and then practice it. I've found that when I'm losing my mind over stress the best ways for me to properly handle my thoughts are to go for a30 minute walk or 1 hour even. I start to game plan how to handle my issues instead of looking to tell other people. I then become determined to accomplish my goals so I'm not bogged down by them. 

I would say you're only going to have roughly 1 to 3 people in your entire life who will want you to share all of your details and want to share their details with you. Everyone else is just to hang out with, socialize, and have a healthy form of escapism that isn't video games or drug and alcohol influenced. 

Good luck. 

Thanks @BooksandTrees, you are perfectly right. I know I’m not fun to be around. I’m quite pessimistic and negative. People have complained about it my entire life. I’m 35 so that’s a long time.. it feels like a personality trait by now. 
 

I don’t know what to do with the stress and anxiety. I will try to get a doctors appointment tomorrow at work to get some pills, because this is not working. I can’t afford to loose more friends. I’m bankrupt on that front.
 

 

[Vidar]

I talked to my dad about the bathroom and he thought it could use a renovation.

i woke up at 13.00 today but did not feel like I had slept an hour for the whole night. I still feel like shit. 
 

I reached out to some renovation companies to start the process. Problem is it will probably take like 2-3 months and I’m loosing 1000 eur per month due to living double housing. Not sure what I should do. it won’t ruin me financially but it makes me angry. 

i have a huge amount of work that needs to be done also. 
 

the good thing I will be busy at least, and I will lots of time to practice on my poor social skills. 
 

I just don’t want to feel this constant anxiety...  

[BooksandTrees]

4 hours ago, Vidar said:

Thanks @BooksandTrees, you are perfectly right. I know I’m not fun to be around. I’m quite pessimistic and negative. People have complained about it my entire life. I’m 35 so that’s a long time.. it feels like a personality trait by now. 
 

I don’t know what to do with the stress and anxiety. I will try to get a doctors appointment tomorrow at work to get some pills, because this is not working. I can’t afford to loose more friends. I’m bankrupt on that front.
 

 

Medication might help. But I think coaching will also help. It's going to take some effort and time to learn when you're stepping too far and learn how to reel it back in a bit. It's only a personality trait if you make it happen. People can become brave after being cowards. Have some faith in yourself. 

Something that worked for me was learning new software. I used to talk a lot. I found video instructions and tutorials for software. They'd ramble about topics way too long and it just made me appreciate being concise and to the point. Also just listening to people who are enjoyable and pleasant to be around. Try to learn certain qualities. There's that old phrase where people say never change for others. That's true with certain situations like giving up fun hobbies or food you eat. In other instances it's beneficial to your well being and social impact by having an improved social impact.

I'd try keeping things concise, stay on topic for the activity you're doing, ask more about the other person before talking about yourself, and don't tell people your problems at all until you actually trust them. You got this.

[ElectroNugget]

5 hours ago, Vidar said:

Thanks @BooksandTrees, you are perfectly right. I know I’m not fun to be around. I’m quite pessimistic and negative. People have complained about it my entire life. I’m 35 so that’s a long time.. it feels like a personality trait by now.

Vidar, as someone who suffered from very bad anxiety and then clinical depression over a period of about 4 years, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's very hard being negative all the time. But not just for others, also for you!

Have you done much reading to try and tackle the problem? The most incredible book for me that was a big part of climbing out of my depression was Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. While the title might sound a little lame and self-help-book-ey (there's loads of them out there), the book is really about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is now considered one of the most successful methods of psychotherapy for treating depressive patients. I can highly recommend it. And if you don't like reading, you can get the audio book on audible, maybe on your smartphone, for relatively little. 

[Vidar]

7 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Medication might help. But I think coaching will also help. It's going to take some effort and time to learn when you're stepping too far and learn how to reel it back in a bit. It's only a personality trait if you make it happen. People can become brave after being cowards. Have some faith in yourself. 

Something that worked for me was learning new software. I used to talk a lot. I found video instructions and tutorials for software. They'd ramble about topics way too long and it just made me appreciate being concise and to the point. Also just listening to people who are enjoyable and pleasant to be around. Try to learn certain qualities. There's that old phrase where people say never change for others. That's true with certain situations like giving up fun hobbies or food you eat. In other instances it's beneficial to your well being and social impact by having an improved social impact.

I'd try keeping things concise, stay on topic for the activity you're doing, ask more about the other person before talking about yourself, and don't tell people your problems at all until you actually trust them. You got this.

 

I think I will have to not be negative around other people, or complain about things. It’s classic management tactic to see problems and disasters as challenges. It’s cheesy but it’s true, since it spreads positive energy. I think I have not practiced bringing positivity (cake to colleagues, organized parties, positive conversational subjects, compliments) to social settings. I have tried complimenting people more, but it just does not come naturally for me. 
 

staying on topic is certainly good and also be concise. When I write emails I try to only write a sentence or two, use bullets. Sometimes when talking I can do it for hours. 
 

I also got a tip on reddit I think to ask for permission before talking about heavy stuff with friends. Even for complaining. Not sure how rigid to be about it, but at least for the heaviest traumas it could be an idea. 
 

But there is like everyday overwhelm, where this is applicable, and panic attacks due to crisis. That’s more what I’ve been going through over the weekend. 

thanks for the advice @BooksandTrees!

[Vidar]

7 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

Vidar, as someone who suffered from very bad anxiety and then clinical depression over a period of about 4 years, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's very hard being negative all the time. But not just for others, also for you!

Have you done much reading to try and tackle the problem? The most incredible book for me that was a big part of climbing out of my depression was Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. While the title might sound a little lame and self-help-book-ey (there's loads of them out there), the book is really about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is now considered one of the most successful methods of psychotherapy for treating depressive patients. I can highly recommend it. And if you don't like reading, you can get the audio book on audible, maybe on your smartphone, for relatively little. 

I did a group therapy program for social phobia which was based on KBT. It was really good for that purpose. Now that I think about it, one of the topics there was how social phobia and anxiety makes us self centered. This makes it harder to focus on the other person, which in turn makes it easy to do mistakes. 

I will have a look at the book!

thanks for the advice @ElectroNugget