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Day 4

I appreciate all of the posts, thank you guys for helping me start this  journey off again. I overslept again and it's kind of something I'm not too upset with right now but also I don't want to let it get out of control. I'm kind of stuck on this railing project and it is killing my motivation to do other things like make money which I really need to do. I want to try to finish it today for good and just move on to doing things I want/need to do. I feel that I'm in a much better position than I was last week as I was still in that downward spiral of gaming and neglecting my needs. I have been reading a lot more lately which really helps put my mind at ease and the book is phenomenal so I genuinely enjoy the read. I really need to do some stretches and exercise though, I feel like my mood would improve even more and I would probably sleep better so I could wake up earlier. Either way I'm feeling good and I'm not experiencing any real strong urges to game. I was watching LOTR (my favorite movies) and thinking about how I do miss the RPG journey type games, however none exist that come close to the experience I would want so it wasn't like an urge but more of a fantasy about...fantasy haha. I think I will try my best to do some stretches and exercise after I finish the railing and will try to read a good chunk more of my book. This first week feels more about just focusing on staying steady, whereas next week I would like to plan out some future goals/habits and try to pace out when I want to implement them. I also want to try and give myself some dates for when I trade this laptop in for a laptop that can't play games. 

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Day 6

Well so much for not feeling strong urges, I knew yesterday would be tough and it was but I made it through. I ended up being stuck at my house as my car had a flat and I was waiting for my stepdad to get home as he offered to help me fix it. He ended up getting home around 7 and then we fixed it. I spent pretty much all day reading my book which I am really invested into. I also spent some time with my sister and niece and it was really nice except for the bugs. However, later into the evening I spent some time on YouTube and couldn't help but watch a recommended video which was a WoW Wotlk soundtrack video for Howling Fjord. It's like self-torment listening to the music from those zones, the nostalgia and wish to return to those days makes me dreadfully sad. But I also like to think about those days...I don't know...nostalgia is abstract. I kept thinking back about how much I missed those days, the first days I ever played WoW back when it was actually fun and immersive. Leveling my first character was such a beautiful journey, it's as if everything about the game just had an extra spark of joy to it. It made me think of how games used to be, as opposed to nowadays. Something is definitely gone from them, something that made them special. I can undoubtedly say that the special part is tied into my experience of these games. In other words, I was much younger and life was definitely simpler in those days. However, I've noticed that just about everybody else who has played these games feels the same way which is why WoW Classic is so popular. 

Anyways, I always seem to send my mind backwards thinking about the "glory days" of gaming when I decide to do a detox. It definitely impedes my ability to let go of gaming and kind of drags me down. I always feel like I'm looking backwards thinking about the "what ifs" and I'm totally sure if there is a way to remedy this or if I just need to let this time pass and not be so moved by the past. My past feels like something I want to rush back to in order to avoid what is directly in front of me. Even though my life was much less my own before, I at least had a stable structure, had some time to do what I wanted, and was around lots of people. Now, life just feels like it is based around bullshit and my hand is forced to participate in one form or another. I guess the avoidance and escape from reality has more sway than I realized. I can't help but feel a bit trapped. 

Yesterday was a reminder that I need to stay out of my house/room for most of the day. I also need to start eating better, sleeping better, and exercising. That will be my focus next week as well as bringing in some income. 

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Day 7 

I woke up at 12, because I stayed up late watching my first ppv UFC fight which was awesome because the fights were sick and the people I wanted to win...did (and in good fashion). Then I did some Doordash and took my gf and her best friend on a good hike (more intense than I anticipated haha) and we got dinner and DQ. Overall, it was a great day besides the extremely late start. The first week without gaming has gone well and my motivation to stay committed is strong. The only really rough day was the end of day 5 which I didn't do a journal entry for. I got really sad thinking back to the days when I'd say I really got into gaming. I had played a lot of different games before but when I started WoW and LoL, these were games that really put me into the gaming lifestyle. They require so much time and are very addicting with their own respective appeals that once you start down that road you become a gamer. 

You don't really notice how much time you spend sedentary, in front of computer, eating quick meals and ignoring sleep. Especially as a kid, you don't see how harmful it is for your body...until you do. I have never been out of shape or really had more than 10% bodyfat. I always had defined abs and was a 30-32" waist up until this last year. I put on about 30lbs and haven't consistently worked out in years, truthfully. I'm not in terrible shape and am by no means overweight but I'm unhappy with how much fat I've accumulated and how little I exercise right now. I know its affecting me in many different ways and I think I want to use this time to reinvigorate my exercising spirit. I want to cut out all the nasty crap I've been consuming and get back to a healthy lifestyle. I am back to being pescatarian and I would like to start intermittent fasting for real this time as a way to work back to prime health. I think if I can work, week by week, to slowly return to working out and eating right that it will coincide nicely with this 90 day gaming detox. 

For this upcoming week I would like to start working out again. My goal will be to workout daily for about an hour in whatever way I feel I want to. A long hike, jumping rope, yoga, calisthenics, running...really anything. I just want to get an hour in daily as a reboot, and I will use a paragraph or even a sentence of these journals to just record what I have done for that day. I know that I want to do a liver cleanse, something I had done a few times about 4 years ago which helped in many ways flush my system out and ultimately set me up to seek out healthy choices in my diet. So I will be purchasing that for the week after this one as my next step in returning to a healthy lifestyle.

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Day 9

I think it might be best for me to switch my goal for this week to getting up early and starting my day with these journals. It's supposed to be rainy all week and my normal spot to workout in, is full of stuff for my dad's party thing. I have been getting up way too late anyways and I feel like it would be better to start with waking up early just to reclaim the day. I always wake up feeling so heavy, not just physically but mentally as well. My head feels like a balloon and that denseness under my eyes just has a bad feeling to it. 

I don't want to miss any more days of journaling because that is how this begins to slip out my control again, that is how relapse happens...

On another note, I am almost done my book and it is a phenomenal read. I will probably pick the next book in the series up in a few days and hopefully I will be able to see my one friend who wants to hike and discuss the series, relatively soon. He wants to hike with another person who I would consider my best friend, although nowadays I don't even like thinking about him. Our friendship is so strained, the last few times we have hung out or talked have ended in a weird argument where it's as if he hears absolutely nothing I have to say and when I genuinely ask direct questions he can't really give an answer, he just deflects. I don't know if our friendship was always toxic but it sure feels like it is now. It always feels like I am being criticized or attacked for something I say or do, and when I try to offer up my perspective he basically says I'm either in denial, I'm lying, or my excuses are invalid. I wish I was kidding...

For example, I got sucked into classic WoW last year (around this time actually), and was leveling a warrior. I was at about level 50 and was investing way too much time into the game, so I was feeling burned out. But I like to finish things (I don't feel the need to finish everything but I get a sense of satisfaction from merely finishing a task, if you read any recent posts this would apply to that damned railing as well), so I sometimes describe myself as a completionist. Again, it's more of a loose definition just in the fact that I enjoying finishing things, whatever they may be. Anyways, my friend had hopped online and was on a character somewhere around level 20 or so but decided he wanted to make a new character with some other friends. He messaged me and said something like "wow you're already level 50..." The conversation carried for a bit before I said something like, " yea I kind of went crazy for these last few weeks and need to take a break. But I really just want to get to 60 and will probably quit afterwards (which I did). Its just the completionist in me". For some reason this self-description triggered a 4 hour argument where he felt like he was being attacked by me calling myself a completionist. Nowhere did I even mention his character or really anything about him. I tried like 400 different times to say that I was just saying I wanted to get to 60 because I enjoying finishing things. That I did not have any intentions of putting him down or making him feel like I was somehow attacking him for never finishing things (his words). I ended up just yielding and letting him believe that by calling myself a completionist I was subconsciously attacking him because he doesn't follow through with things (again, his words). I don't know how many times I said that I had no intentions of making him feel bad but he just couldn't accept that, saying that I was lying about the situation. This was one of our arguments in a nutshell. The rest of them proceed pretty much the same way. 

When I told my girlfriend about all of these she described him as being extremely insecure and manipulative. It took awhile for that to sink in but it's true. Maybe I'll write out the other arguments for clarity on the situation. It's just really unfortunate because we've known each other since we were 3 and his aunt and uncle raised him because his parents abandoned him. I don't want to just drop off of the face of the Earth in regards to our friendship but I honestly don't want to engage with his presence at all anymore. It gets under my skin that I have to pacify myself just to make sure he doesn't take something the wrong way. And I can't bring up anything from the past because he is incredibly delusional. He once told me he didn't want to be friends with me anymore because I didn't want to start Dungeons and Dragons with him (another 4+ hour argument ending in the same result). I feel like I should have just walked away... 

Man, when video games are stripped away all the crap I'm holding in really comes full circle back to me. 

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Day 10

I, again, got up late after a night of drinking some vodka. I have no idea why I started occasionally drinking but it's a terrible choice for me. I know that it is partially because I have free access to the alcohol in my house, which always has some reserves. 

Today, I have been ordered to help my dad again, wherein I do all the work and he just talks. If there was ever a way to push someone away, my dad best exemplifies this trait. So, for the hell of it, I'm gonna grab some caffeine and go to work, pressure-washing/painting/cleaning/moving/etc... What a fun day

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Day 11

It is always a battle within me to do that (change while at a distance from him) or to just appease for now. I usually choose the latter because at the end of the day I feel very sorry for him. Between my siblings and me, I'm pretty much the only one who tries to include him and/or is relatively honest with him. My brother lived in another country for 2+ years before his "marriage" imploded and he never even told my dad he was 1) married 2) having a baby 3) moving to another country until a few months AFTER he left. My sister doesn't even consider my dad family at this point. I feel like I've been put in a terrible position because I can't just leave him to himself even though it causes me to soak up so much negativity when I'm around him. He has nobody left from his family and even if it's not the best relationship I feel like I can't just move away. I need to be more firm in how I deal with him and stand my ground better but I don't want to leave. I'm even apprehensive at the thought of moving to get my Ph.D. in another state because when I went away the first time, on the first day of classes my grandpa died. All I had wanted to do was get a little away from home (I was about 2 hours away) and I found myself coming home every weekend because I couldn't deal with the loss. My dad is super unhealthy and meets all the criteria for someone who wouldn't be able to fend off covid-19. It sucks, it really does, but I feel like I have a responsibility to keep trying to be there for him because everyone else doesn't want to. 

On another note, I am nearing that two week mark...the point at which my relapses frequent. I always seem to lament on the golden days of gaming during these times because I guess when I was actually playing I forgot how it used to be. I forgot that games were sooooo much better in the past and everything wasn't a blatant cash grab. Developers had passion and didn't sellout to companies for profit. I want to leave it all behind. I don't have any real desire to play again, it's all just echoes from past joys. I feel like I want to throw myself into chemistry and science as well as mastering the body. I want to learn about the different organic compounds found in nature and their interactions/mechanisms with the different moving parts in their surrounding environments. I want to be able to do a handstand without using a wall for balance. I want to be able to do a flip/backflip from the ground. I'd like to be flexible and mobile. I know what I want to do moving forward and I know that if I can commit fully to these 90 days, I doubt I will want to go back to games at all. Today is day 11 and I feel like it is time to plan out the real changes I want to see in my life. Once I past the 2 week threshold, enough sludge will have passed so I can start to restore my life's balance a step at a time. 

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Day 15

I missed quite a few days again, but no fear not no relapse. I have watched a few videos on video games which I am not proud of but those moments have been infrequent. I have been very busy with helping my family and I think that has helped me stay away from the screens. The two week mark is always tough for me because I begin to crave that dopamine release more intensely. I have felt those cravings but I've been good about just continuing with my day. I have been reading WAY more and want to continue that into the future. I'd like to honestly just take a break from screens in general as well as video games and I think once the detox is over I will get sell my laptop and start to write journal entries in a diary. Once I have some time off I'll probably get a chromebook and just ensure that I don't get hooked on watch YouTube or Netflix once that happens. I think that with reading I can do myself a good service of taking some elements that I like about gaming and channeling them into books. I love the fantasy genre and I get the same excited feeling when I'm at the bookstore that I would get if I were at gamestop. It feels like a solid transition point and I'm glad I found a nice substitute. 

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Day 16

Today was a decent day. I had a roughish morning with my gf but we ending up resolving our issue and moving on. I was able to do yoga in the morning which I believe set my day up for success. I have a vision for the person I wish to be, for habits I wish to cultivate, and a lifestyle I wish to have. I know yoga and meditation are integral in this vision. I have tried a plethora of different activities and I always feel that the most profound ones that I keep coming back to are yoga, meditation, being outdoors, writing, and reading. Without video games it's like a weight has been lifted and I can really devote myself to each of these different activities. The urges are still present and seem to come in waves but I'm generally preoccupied for most of the day which really helps to take my mind away from them. I honestly see these urges to play as more of a want to explore fantasy realms through a role-playing experience than wanting to sit and play a game. Like I said in my last post, I think I can channel the fantasy needs into reading and the role-playing needs into drawing or writing. I remember that part of respawn was substitution and since gaming "checked off so many boxes" I'll need to have a variety of replacement activities for each of these "boxes". This time around, with my detox, I actually feel really excited about getting into these activities, whereas before I kind of felt a pressure to be this newly transformed person...it really does take time and patience for change to happen.

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Day 21

I haven't had power at my house nor access to internet for the last week. Although I have wanted to journal this was sort of a blessing because it made me spend much more time away from not only gaming but devices/internet. I wasn't wasting time on YouTube or watching an endless amount of movies. In fact I read a lot which made me feel great but also reaffirmed my faith in using reading as a substitute for fantasy immersion through gaming/TV. I also started alternating between yoga and calisthenics for my exercise which has uplifted and destressed me as well as making me crave healthier foods. I had a great few days with my family and my gf and I feel much better about my situation now. Video games, as much as I can sometimes enjoy them, feel like they need to totally exit from my life. Perhaps there will be a day in the future that I want to play them again but keeping with this detox, I feel like I won't want to start them up again in any capacity. I am struggling for money and I don't really want to jump into a job yet so I feel like after the 90 day period I'm going to sell my ps4/games and trade-in my laptop which will give me a bit of extra cash to save. I haven't felt really any draw towards games in the last week either which is good. I'm not looking back on the "good ol' days'" or fantasizing about times when I can just caffeine-out and game all day. In fact, it's the opposite I feel like I am looking forward to building and developing myself instead of a character in a game. My posture also feels much better and from only 3 yoga sessions... Once I hit 30 days I am going to get myself a small reward with an amazon gift card I received for graduation. I would also like to start commenting on some other people's journals once I hit 30 days. It might just be a personal quirk but I never feel "qualified" or justified commenting on another's progress until I feel solid in my own. 

I also believe that after 30 days I am going to start tracking my progress in building a better me, through these journals. My gf and I have already planned out our meals for this next week (up until the weekend) and are gonna go shopping for them later. I will be getting up with her in the mornings so my sleep improve. But I want to add in some meditation and see how that goes. I believe 30 minutes will be best to start. 

Things are looking much better and I know now, without a doubt gaming is a core part of what drags me down and deflates my being. That certainty in knowing something is toxic and the confidence in expunging the toxin is something that took awhile to really move into but I am so grateful for all the attempts I made in the past and the journey that I am now taking. 

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Day 24

I've been staying at a different house that doesn't have internet which means my journal entries are going to be less frequent than I originally wanted. However, we are looking to buy internet soon and I will be back to daily journals. It's been 24 days since I played a game, honestly it flew by after the first week. I feel like a weight has been lifted and continues to lift with each passing day that I stick to the detox. The only real craving I have had to play was when my brother bought a new 4k TV from best buy and I imagined the epicness of Dark Souls 3 on the screen; but this soon faded...as I realized that the thought was what was giving me the feeling of enjoying the game, not the game itself if that makes  sense. I intend to sell my PS4 once this 90 days is up so I am not giving into these anticipatory cravings for playing on the new TV. I have instead been reading quite a lot in this brief period of time and want to continue this habit into the future. I want a balance between fantasy books for fun and uplifting, informative books for education and self-improvement. I have found this is a good recipe for me as either genre becomes slightly stale if it is the only thing I am reading. I also wish to begin writing on a daily basis in a personal journal. I want to continue these journals as well as possibly starting a blog. I have plans that I am developing for my future and I need to get them in writing. For now, however I am very grateful to this website/community for helping me overcome this addiction. I am grateful for the people that have read/commented on my posts and I will begin to return the favor soon. I am looking forward to seeing how things continue to play out for me as the 90 days roll forward. 

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Day 26

No recent urges, no real drawbacks this last week. I feel like I'm doing really well so far with this detox. Unfortunately, I can't find the amazon gift card I was going to use as a reward for my first 30 days without gaming but I might end up just choosing something small to buy for myself. I feel like learning to reward myself is actually crucial with this recovery process as establishing a new mental reward system is needed to replace the "fix" from games. 

I feel like as the days pass I'm more and more aware of myself and what I've become. With gaming, I let my health slip out of my hands and my posture, extra fat around my waist, mental fog, and body aches all remind me of how little I was investing into my health, especially in the last year. I really want to focus on these aspects of my life again with true intent. I want to trim this fat off and return to a healthier state. I understand now that calisthenics and yoga are going to be my focus when it comes to exercise. Weight-lifting is far too strenuous on my joints and I don't have the mobility in any of my major joints to lift properly. I also feel much better after a calisthenics workout versus after a lift. I think I want to choose a focus for the next 30 days as well so I begin to build better habits one at a time. Since I already semi-started to focus on my diet I think it would be best to do weight loss as the focus. I will need to track everything and perhaps I can use these entries as a weekly tracker. 

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Day 27

I am starting a healthier diet this week as well as intermittent fasting and I will hopefully achieve a sense of clear-mindedness after a few weeks. I also hope that I can drop a few pounds and start to burn off some belly fat. My motivation and drive are at a high right now and I am excited to carry this momentum forward to achieve some of my goals and do some exploration. My only real drawback right now is I am conflicted over getting a 9-5 job and working at something which will ultimately bring me down. Even though it would involve chemistry I know that I would not be able to do what I feel I need to do right now for myself. However, at the same time I am broke and I have loans that will start to accrue interest again in 2021. I will need to pay them either way but I think if I can finish this detox and set myself up well enough that getting a 9-5 job may not be that bad. I am very conflicted over this situation. I earn "enough" money right now through doordash but I find it incredibly hard to balance my time as my gf gets done at 4:30 which is about an hour before doordash gets busy (usually). We basically have opposite schedules (if I were to work the hours I need/want to). Again I make "enough" money but it really is hindering. I feel like if I found a good place to work with something that was up my alley with the field of chemistry that I could make it work. As I push forward with this detox I am hoping that I can gain some insight and decide fervently my path forward. 

Everything with the detox is going well and I haven't had any urges recently. 

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Day 29

I had a great day yesterday with my family and also ended up getting a lot of stuff done. Without having a pull towards gaming and sitting on my computer I feel like I can accomplish so much more. I think that I want to postpone a job until I am done this detox and just want to start off the new year with a fresh attitude. If by then I want to get a full time job then I can do so willingly, but for now I will just be trying to earn what I can and set myself up for a smooth transition. Today I start to really focus on my diet again. I am hoping that I can reap some strong benefits from this new angle I am taking. It will mostly consist of vegan meals, with about two dinners based around fish. I will also be doing intermittent fasting to help improve my sleep and to aid in weight loss. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 38

I am still working on getting internet access at the current place I live but I am sort of thankful it hasn't been hooked up yet so I have a safeguard against relapsing. I feel like my mind is starting to adjust to the absence of gaming stimuli and activities like reading and meditation have a renewed vigor to them. I always felt like when I was gaming that all the other things I would engage in felt lesser, as if there was less joy and color associated with them. I definitely contribute this grey lifelessness to the dopamine overload that one gets from gaming. I also think that when my mind is on said track that I'm constantly looking to feed it different distractions that give me a little boost like YouTube videos, consuming sugary foods and caffeinated drinks. It's like I have to be in this overactive state that just needs to keep going, needs to keep pushing for more and more. Then, the inevitable crash comes around 3 in the morning, forcing me to sleep until 11-12 only to repeat the cycle. I can't believe how long I let myself do that. I don't even remember enjoying it unless I was playing with friends. And I stopped playing with them 5-6 years ago. I'm only on day 38 and I feel as though I am claiming my life back. I have no interest in returning to gaming. I squelch out any lingering fantasies of playing. I look forward to seeing those days count up and up. I feel like I'm returning to myself and I finally won't be split between the "me that games and avoids" and the "me that is motivated and happy".  I finished my undergraduate degree all while constantly sabotaging myself with gaming binges. I am looking towards grad school now and I feel like it will be such an augmented experience as I will be fully committed. Gaming really was the only thing that took my focus from school. When I wasn't playing games I thoroughly enjoyed my classes and the subject matter I was learning. It is very exciting to me to be able to look forward with a positive perspective rather than a sullen obligatory mindset. 

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Day 45

At the halfway point and I'm feeling great with my progress. I have very very few urges and most are ephemeral thought bouts after a dream where I was playing a game or remembering a part of a game in my dream. In the past I feel like these moments would have crippled my momentum but now I just move on from them without shoving them down. There is a real release from the stranglehold that gaming had on my mind especially these past few years. Yesterday, my girlfriend and I talked about what I would want to do after the 90 day detox is over and we both concluded it would be best for me to not go back at all... to see that number climb ever higher. Even though selling my ps4 and games back to gamestop will only give me a fraction of the money it originally costed, it is indeed the best decision I can make. I'm excited to finally be moving past this phase in my life. All the attempts in the past have been worth it but now I am confident that I will continue to be video-game free in the future. 

It is truly a different lifestyle without gaming. I have read so many books already, started planning and cooking out my meals (which have been much healthier), started intermittent fasting, started meditating daily, started fixing up my grandparents house, started exercising routinely, and I've reconnected with my old friends as well. Honestly, I've tried to start all these things before and there was this feeling of obligation and pressure that always came with it; now I actually want to do all of these different things. I don't feel drawn away from them by a nagging magnetic force in the back of my mind that is storing anticipation to play games later. I feel healthy and much more full of life and although I am apprehensive about getting a 9-5 job I feel like I will actually be able to do it without being morose because I'll finally be able to afford the lifestyle I wish to lead. I'll finally be able to start projects and experiments I've only been able to think about. It will also set me up for pursuing higher education and I won't be totally impoverished during that time. It's so nice to feel like this again after so long, and it's crazy to think that video games were doing that much to pull me down. 

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Day 47 

Today I woke up at 7:15 (been a few days in a row now), I talked and hung out with my gf/did the dishes before she went off to work. Then I meditated for an hour, went for a run, stretched, and showered. I got out of the shower right before 11:00. I then made broccoli cheddar soup (homemade) which was good but had way too much dairy for me, went to the store for my sister, and drove to my mom's house to have some internet access. I have been trying to figure out a good morning routine for myself that will set me up for a solid day. I feel like if I could get up at 5:30 and do the routine, I would still have time before heading off to a 9-5 job. The only thing I am sorta worried about is that the routine goes so well because I am intermittent fasting and I don't need to think about food/eat until 11. This saves so much time. I am just worried that I would succumb to grouchiness if I was in a workplace setting. I want to test out how I feel doing the routine but getting up at 5:30 because honestly intermittent fasting is much easier when you can just sleep an extra few hours to pass the fasting period. I feel like if I did it for a few weeks straight before getting a job I would be fine but I would really need to commit to it. 

It's crazy how much more I have been doing with my life and how much better I feel. I'm almost nervous to let myself feel good for some reason. As if I'm being foolish for feeling good and being optimistic. I think that shows how negative I have been with gaming in my life...that I can't let myself feel good. The more I meditate the more I realize how much my mind is influencing every bit of my life. It doesn't shut off (in terms of thoughts) and I'm beginning to realize how that doesn't need to be the case. It will take a long time but I know that with meditation I will be able to hone into true silence. I feel like living without mediation is something that is no longer a reality for myself. There is so much benefit to the practice and there is a general ease that begins to proliferate the other aspects of my life as an effect of meditation. I'm hoping that with greater practice I will be able to overcome my aversion to working a job and I'll be able to take greater responsibility of my life and others around me. 

As I move towards 90 days I want to add in a catalog of what I do for  routines in a day and reflect on them. I see a lot of others on this forum have a similar approach to the journal and they usually have a section for gratitude, habits, etc. I think it would be nice to do one for myself, only it's difficult when I can't post everyday (still don't have wifi at my house). 

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Day 50

7 weeks straight without video games...I'm actually impressed with myself. Closing in on 2 months and it's like I'm slowly emerging from the cocoon of addiction. I have a significantly clearer mind and an updated inner compass for my health. I'm realizing that I enjoy much of the habits I've tried to instill in myself over the past 6 years and without gaming I no longer feel "bored" by them or that there is something lacking from my life. I always used to feel that even when I was getting up early, putting true effort into school, taking martial arts, eating decently, meditating, or some combination of those things (and more), that there was a major piece missing. I always thought that piece was video games and what they did for me. I clung to the fantasies of the worlds I immersed myself in and without their presence I felt like I was always missing something. It was a back and forth struggle between trying to instantly live my best life and then back to indulging in video games. I never feel like I gave my best effort in anything and even with that I graduated college with a 3.6 in chemistry. My mindset always had me feeling so much lower than I was because so much negativity in my life was tied into gaming. I feel like without the back and forth cycles gaming had me in, I can achieve much of what I want for my life and start to make a difference in others. 

For the past couple weeks I have been running, stretching, and meditating regularly. I've also been eating healthier (mostly) and working on my surrounding living situation. I want to improve what I have been doing and try to make it streamlined for "a typical workday" to see if I can have a nice routine down before I actually start the job. The hardest part for me is and always has been, waking up early. I have a template of what I want my day to start like. For now, it's just everything I have been doing but pushed back 2 hours. I feel like I can achieve that successfully and continuously if I make sure to write it down and post here as well. 

Morning Routine: 

6:00 AM - Wake up and meditate for an hour

7:00 - Change into work out clothes, drive to park, run for ~30 minutes, return home, stretch, shower, get dressed and ready for day

9:00 - "Day Starts" 

It's pretty hard to write it down in here, in a way that looks nice...I'll have to work on that. Essentially, I want to make my morning physically and mentally productive so that I shake off the sluggishness from sleep. The meditation really clears my head and makes me feel "lighter" and the run/stretching have me feeling physically better than I would normally. I want to continue intermittent fasting where my eating period is between 11-7 tentatively, but I'll have to see how I feel when waking up earlier as I will probably get hungrier than I have been throughout the morning. Intermittent fasting is such a key habit for me right now, I really want to keep with it. I feel so much better and it makes life so much easier when I don't have to think/make/digest food especially in the morning. There's just so much more that can get done it's awesome. Anyways, life's good and I am thankful for all those that are seeking to better themselves and others including my family and my gf. 

 

 

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Day 57 

Almost at 60 days...what a good feeling. I have been much more productive with anything and everything in my life and I am excited about my future. I am damn near broke but have pretty much polished up my resume so hopefully I will be able to get a job in my field soon. I am still trying to decide whether to sell my ps4 back to gamestop because you get such little money back it's absurd and I still use it for movies which is nice because of the high quality. I don't know... I'm not too worried about having it around for a little while because I haven't had any urges to play. I feel like my days are so much longer now, and I do so much more in them that I don't feel bored very often. However, the other day I had pretty much finished all that I wanted to do at around 1:30 and was kind of waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I realized that I hadn't felt that way in a while...the bored waiting... and it was pretty intense. I soon started to meditate just to get myself under wraps and I was surprised by how I didn't spend an hour toiling with the idea of meditating. I just did it and it was just what I needed in that moment. I feel like boredom and the dopamine reset period was something I had never overcome before when trying to quit and this moment was a big turning point for me. I feel like I "leveled up" and ever since I have had this backwind to me that is pushing me towards a greater feeling of control in my life. I actually want to get a job and totally provide for myself. I want to progress forward in my career and I don't feel like self-destructing because without gaming I have been learning to manage my stress instead of burying/avoiding/indulging to displace the stress. This part is huge for me because I am certain that I used gaming to "relieve stress" deceiving myself into believing that gaming was actually helping me with stress when it was really the largest contributor (in recent years). With a much clearer mind, I feel like I can take steps towards all that I want to accomplish and it's so liberating. The weight off my back has made me so much more appreciative and motivated. To anyone who reads this, try to identify your stress and your ways of dealing with stress and work from there. Most of the journals I read from others, show the same thing I have always felt...we all want to do so much so quickly and get a perfect lifestyle down pat by day 4 of the detox. If there is anything I can truly comment on it's that stress and it's mismanagement is the greatest impediment to moving forward. It will slow down everything that you attempt. Start at the stress and work from there. 

 

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Day 60

It's kind of crazy that I'm already at day 60 of the 90-day detox. I wish I hadn't lost that amazon gift card because right now would be the perfect time for a small reward. I have been meditating pretty much every day and I am slowly starting to get more in tune with the more subtle feelings in my body. For instance, yesterday I was opening up a new DVD and I was on one knee in front of my ps4 with all my games organized in front of me. My first thought was "wow I like how those look, the aesthetic is really pleasing". Within the same breath I felt an alluring pull to open up a game and start playing. I felt a slight bit of warmth in my low gut as well as a sensation of relaxation in and around my head. It was really strange because I know of the usual feelings of excitement, ya know like when you're opening a present or you're in a store full of cool things you want to buy. But this was something much less intense but with a similar pulling feeling associated with it. I wasn't overwhelmed by any means, I was just aware of the sensation as it came and went. I then opened the DVD and put it in the ps4 and walked back into the kitchen. I told my gf about this later and how I felt like before this detox that feeling (and those of it's type) would overcome me and I would just jump back into gaming. I feel a serious sense of triumph from knowing that I don't feel so attached or compelled to jump back in.

I also realized that I have no real reason to keep my ps4 anymore and I am going to take it back today or tomorrow if possible. I am fully certain that I don't want to play games at all anymore and I don't even entertain the bullshit future tense thought "Maybe in a few years when I have my shit together, I'll buy a system and play some games." No, I am on the "it is my agent of self-destruction, I will engage with it no more," thought. 

My real struggle now is making money and providing for myself in a way that doesn't completely dampen my spirit. I am always turned off to the idea of working a 9-5 for a company, performing repetitive actions to earn a living. I feel like entry level jobs, even in chemistry, are so stifling in terms of growing that it just feels like I'd be selling my time for a few bucks because "that's what you do" as an adult. It's really sickening but I am really low on money and I don't know how else to make money other than attempting to market myself on YouTube/Social Media, which again is completely not me. Well, either way I am on my way to 90 days and beyond and I am feeling uplifted and motivated. To all those struggling to move forward with their lives, remember to be patient and to accept humble truths about yourself, it begins to open the light back into your life. 

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Hi BryanJaz, just read your entries and it's so awesome to see how much progress you have made! I hope your job findings will yield success sometime soon 🙂 

Since it sounds like you meditate often, and are trying to listen more to your physical responses to various stimuli, I recommend checking out Alexander Technique- while it's scientifically unsupported, it has helped me and a few of my friends a great deal to become more aware of how we use ourselves physically at different times. 

Cheers,

Pochatok

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Day 61

Thank you for the encouragement Pochatok, it's always nice seeing a friendly post. Luckily, I have a much better mindset this time around when applying to jobs and I have an actual idea about what I'd like to do so I hope it goes well. 

As for the meditation, I did a 10 day vipassana meditation retreat when I was 21 and I typically use the two techniques I learned there. I will definitely check out the Alexander Technique because I have been feeling like I want to expand my meditation repertoire. I recently cleared out an old room full of junk and am creating a "zen den" for meditation, it seems fitting to also learn some new techniques. 

So I have been unsuccessful with getting up early and starting my day with meditation and running recently. But I am not too upset about that because I have still been meditating and running just not on a schedule. In fact many days I have been meditating for up to 2 hours and yesterday I ran a 10k in under an hour just on a whim. I had run the loop before back when I was really in shape during wrestling season (like 6-7 years ago) but whenever I had thought about doing it recently I would feel very intimidated and just not try it...until yesterday. I can't believe I ran it fully through without walking and I surprised myself even more that I did it in 54 minutes so I had about a 9 minute/mile pace. For only running two to three times a week for the past few weeks I feel like it was a fluke or something. I don't know, either way it gave me a huge confidence boost and I slept really well last night.

I also reaffirmed what kind of exercise I want to do which has been somewhat of an issue for me in the past. I always feel compelled to get a gym membership and just do the typical bench, squat, deadlift, row, curls, shoulder presses...and so on. But I know my body and I know my lack of flexibility and mobility in my joints so every time I would try to do these exercises I would only end up feeling worse after lifting. I have too many injuries and muscular imbalances to keep beating my head against the wall at the gym. I have found that I feel I engage so many more muscles when I do bodyweight/calisthenics workouts and cardio. I also am more interested in martial arts and it doesn't necessarily help when you can move a large amount of weight one-dimensionally. So yea, it was nice remembering where my goals actually lie rather than feeling like I have to do a certain style of working out to fit in. 

I feel like I want to continue running twice a week, but start to do yoga on the other days and then choose to do whatever on the weekend. Since my zen den is up and running I actually have a warm space to do yoga. I want to get a space heater and a humidifier to make it a hot yoga setting some days, I always feel I can get a much deeper stretch and a better overall session when the room is heated. For the current state of things it feels like cardio and yoga are the best option to stay healthy and to progress forward with my goals. I don't really have space for my pullup tower so I'm probably gonna wait on the calisthenics for the most part until I get into the swing of things with yoga. 

 

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Day 65

I recently had a big fight with my gf and it again happened while we were both drinking a lot. We've resolved our issues as much as we can for now but we are both really annoyed with ourselves and with how we both get when drinking. Since I am already committing to this detox and won't be returning to gaming, I feel like this needs to be my primary focus to ensure that I stay strong and remain gaming-free. However, drinking is something I've never truly been a fan of, I don't do it very often and I always feel like I don't want to do it in general. I hate how it completely ruins the next few days because I always stay up way too late, don't eat or drink enough (water), and I get poor sleep. The hangover is not a huge deal to me (generally), it's the overall feeling of lethargy, like my day is gone before it's started. It sucks because most of the time I drink it's just a few with family or friends and I am fine the next day or so. But those other times where it's like 8-9 drinks just makes life terrible. I find it even harder to deal with because it really is a social thing...and it's always available at my parent's place for free...and everyone is having something to drink. I'm already the one that doesn't eat meat and cares about animals, the weirdo quiet scientist introvert that actually enjoys meditation/silence...it's like who I am and who I really want to be are so far from what most people want to be or are right now, I don't know how to fit in while still being myself. I want to cut out alcohol totally, I honestly feel like it's massively beneficial for a healthy, long life but I don't want to over-restrict myself and I don't want to feel excessively ostracized. 

This is a difficult one, because I know it's poison and I know that no good ever comes from consuming it... I guess I will just have to overcome feelings of exclusion and judgement and learn to be myself totally. I think if I can cultivate the same attitude I have with gaming towards drinking as well then I can definitely succeed with it. I have only recently found myself partaking in drinking (especially to excess) so I know it will be a much easier tie to sever. I think I may use the 90 day detox with that once I am done with this one and continue to record my progress with both here. Although I doubt I will see profound changes from cutting out drinking, I know I will reduce the amount of arguments I get into and the amount of time I spend recovering from a heavy night. 

On a side note, tomorrow is the longest I will have gone without gaming since my last detox which was in 2017. I was not journaling with that one and it was way harder. I remember I ended up playing a small phone game with two people I met in a school club while we were driving to a wolf sanctuary and that was the tipping point. I installed The Witcher 3 on my pc and started playing that the next week...which led to another 3 years of gaming. It's pretty incredible that playing a little phone game on a drive was all I needed to get me back into it. I do have to say that taking that detox all the way to 66 days was a huge breaking point for my gaming addiction. I would only go on binges and breaks after that point...I was never playing consistently...up until this summer after that point. That points to the fact that any bit of progress is still progress and is always helpful. 

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