Journal

[fawn_xoxo]

9 hours ago, RB1 said:

Luckily, I didn't relapse, but what's the difference really if I isolate myself and do other meaningless things on the internet?

There IS a difference man! You did meaningless things, yes, but not the one most harmful thing you have told yourself you won't do. At first we all cope via what we know, and internet is easy a distraction from the pain of withdrawal. You didn't game, and that's a victory. Don't downplay it! It's a fact , that you didn't relapse, it's not sugar coating something. It's a positive outcome in a negative/triggering situation. Recognize it!

9 hours ago, RB1 said:

This is just not he way life works. We have very little control over what happens around us and we need to try to take charge of the small parts of our lives that we actually can have control over. Blaming yourself for everything forces you to take responsibility, but when you blame yourself for the things you don't have full control over like your depression and anxiety, you just spiral in this destructive cycle endlessly. This is what I've done for I'd say 8 or 9 years now and it's time to admit that I need to reach out for help.

   The book about Self esteem in my signature really helped me START having the right perspective on this matter. We, as you said, do not control the world around us. We should not take that blame on our shoulders. We control how we react to the world and we have to be responsible for that, but only for that. A big part of self acceptance is also about accepting what is and what is not in our control, as you also said. 
  I think it's a really good move to remove your laptop from your room, try to hold true to this with strictness. I am having an okay time cutting down more than one thing at a time and I don't think it's dangerous if you're in the right state of mind. Remember, for every single thing we remove from our schedule, we have to find something else or it won't work long term. It's really crucial to getting better in my personal experience.
 

9 hours ago, RB1 said:

This is becoming a lot to promise since I feel that I'm already giving up a lot with gaming, but I must do this.

Someone I love says that we should be careful what we say to ourselves cause our self listens. In that train of thought, I would say that you are not giving up anything with gaming actually. Gaming made you give up on yourself every day and at long last you stopped that b!tch from doing that to you! (Personalization of an addiction, why not!) If you feel unsure, go ahead and make a pros-cons list and re-persuade yourself, I'd say!

I am all in all very glad to see you explore your psyche like this, because for me these moments are very cathartic. If nothing else, they offer me some clarity (to write things down) and when I'm done writing I'm usually much more calm and logical than when I started typing. I think being honest and open minded and reading yourself (or trying to, still counts) is the best thing you can do. Also, action, as you said!

[RB1]

Day 9:

GoalB (No laptop in room): Day 1 

Written a day late.

Stayed with my grandparents place for a night which was nice. Their internet sucks and was down last night anyways, so I didn't have use of my computer.

It was annoying at first, but after accepting there was no internet, it felt boarder line therapeutic. It's been a while since I've been forced off the internet. It was a good way to spend my first day pursuing goal B.

Two nights ago I went to sleep without having my laptop (or tv) in my room. I'm so used to going to sleep with some background noise from a youtube video or a twitch stream that it was actually hard to fall asleep. I got into bed pretty early at 11pm and couldn't actually fall asleep till 12:30am. I've consistently gone to sleep while on my computer or TV for god knows how long, that I didn't actually even consider this to be an issue I'd come across. Last night wasn't as bad, but I had some trouble falling asleep as well. I might need to listen to music when sleeping as a temporary replacement. The good news is that when actually falling asleep, I feel like I fell into a much deeper sleep. 

Got to see my grandparents for the first time in a very long time, so I had a great day!

[RB1]

Projects Over Goals:

It's really just a matter of semantics, but I think this is important.

It was brought to my attention by @fawn_xoxo that a lot of the activities I've done since beginning this detox are, "passive activities." It was interesting it was put that way since to me, those things were actually goals of mine (I didnt' re-read the post, but I haven't been writing EVERYTHING I've been doing during my days in these posts). Regardless, whether he meant it as I understand it or not, he was making a good point.

I realized that the small list of goals I made in my head look like

• exercise more
• cook something new
• go to bed at a reasonable hour
• study a new coding language

Basically, these goals I realized had no specificity. They are goals, but taking action in these activities became just a way to pass time.

I realized what I need to make for myself is a list of very specific projects. This is still a work in progress, but what I was thinking was a list that looks like

• Be able to do 3 sets of 10 wide grip pull ups with 1 minute break between sets by the last day of September (9/30)
• On weekdays, get ready for bed by 10:30pm and be asleep by 11pm. Wake up at 7am
• Code a chess game from scratch using Python. Build the UI by August 1st

In fact, the first and third goal have been on my mind for some time now, so I'll make those my first two projects. I don't know about the end dates, but I'll try them out and figure that out again later. For now, the dates listed should be reasonable.

I have a history of bailing on projects when no one is relying on me but myself, but maybe posting about them on GQ will help stick with them. That's been a huge help for me with my detox so far. Maybe writing about projects will help me commit to them as well.

[RB1]

Day 10:
Late post

1/10 of the way!

Goal B) Day 0

Long day at work. Not much to say there. Just standard stuff.

Got home and finally got a bunch of the stuff I'd say I'd get done off my shoulders, so yay.

Unfortunately, I didn't stick with goal B and I feel absolutely terrible about this. Before going to bed, I got real anxious about certain life things and I felt like I had to do something to cal myself down. Instinctively, I brought my laptop to my room and said, "screw it." I'll just watch a few things on youtube before going to bed and get back to goal b tomorrow. The one good thing was I didn't play any games. This was a huge mistake. Although I didn't play games, the same sort of thing happened as when I do play them. One video turned into two, two into four, then an episode of a TV show, then a second one since it got interesting, etc. Ended up in my room on my laptop from 9:30pm to 1:30am.

What could have been a good nights rest turned into 4 of a possible 8 hours wasted. Now I'm exhausted and almost late for work. Works gonna suck since I'm tired, then I can't even go straight home. I committed to go see some friends after work, but I don't even feel like it now since I want to catch up on sleep. Gonna have to go regardless and it's probably gonna make tomorrow even more exhausting.

Disappointed that I gave up on goal B so fast, but glad it didn't lead to gaming. Overall, I've learned sticking with goal B might be as hard or possibly even more difficult than abstaining from gaming. I learned that moments where I get very anxious act as a trigger and ultimately leads to me bringing my laptop to my room, and wasting valuable hours that could have been used to sleep longer. I've given up sleep for laptop time constantly in the past and I want to change this now.

I've woken up upset because I went to bed later than I intended in the past, but I've never really reflected on it. I've learned a lot. Gonna use that knowledge to try and stop myself next time.

The next time something is making me anxious before going to bed, I will leave the house and walk around until it wears off instead of going to my room and watching youtube/TV on my laptop.

Edited July 24, 2019 by RB1

[fawn_xoxo]

5 hours ago, RB1 said:

Disappointed that I gave up on goal B so fast, but glad it didn't lead to gaming.

You didn't give it up, you just didn't follow it for that day. Remember that it's not final and you can always follow it the next day. Nothing is over and this journey has its ups and downs, so I suggest to not perceive this as anything less than feedback about what to do better next time (you already summarized the feedback at the end and well done). We are all far from perfect but if we learn from our weaknesses we are better than before and that's what this is all about. Perfection doesn't exist and it shouldn't be a goal, progress is the desired, this is how I see this. You're doing much better than when you were wasting days on gaming.

[RB1]

On 7/19/2019 at 2:04 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

You answered it very well! You're doing a really good job in trying to self-discover here, being honest with your thoughts and such. 

I suggest you print this article ( https://nosurf.org/2018/08/28/how-the-internet-changes-your-brain/ )and put it in the drawer for when you need the extra arguments to remind yourself why you are doing this. 

Thank you for the encouraging words and for all of your comments. They really mean a lot!

I've never really thought about this method. Tucking away a reminder in a drawer in case of emergencies. I feel like logging onto GQ serves that purpose, but I'll try that out if I ever feel I need to.

[RB1]

On 7/20/2019 at 11:37 PM, BrassWolf said:

“I now believe true strength is found in vulnerability, and forgiveness in love. There is a beautiful upside-down truth which is that these moments of purest strength appear as weakness to those who do not know better. For a long time, I didn’t know better either. I asked you and your bother to reject history as a narrative of strength and instead have faith that it can be a narrative of love.” -- King Harrow, The Dragon Prince

RB1, The path we are laying out for ourselves isn't always clear, but to be as vulnerable as you were just now is a sign of strength. What is the most challenging thing here, for you?

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Just wanted to say I read your post when I fell into a short and sudden slump over the weekend. That quote you shared along with your words was the assurance I needed at a time like that. It really meant a lot to hear that at that time. Thank you!

[RB1]

On 7/21/2019 at 7:37 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

Every time I tried to quit games before GQ, I replaced them with passive activities. That was why I failed all those times. And it's not easy to pick yourself up, a lazy self in my case too, and force them to take action outside what they're familiar with, however it's that which the process demands.

What you said here also spoke to me. I actually made a post yesterday called, 'projects over goals' because of what you said here. I never really thought of the activities I did during my free time as, 'passive activities' but that's precisely what they were. I picked things I wanted to work on, but with no direction.

I really think if I can drive myself to be project oriented, I can get through this detox with greater ease. I look up to people who are that way since I've always struggled with sticking to projects I make for myself. I've always been the type that was better at sticking to assignments that someone else needs or wants done. This was always since I was ok with letting myself down, but not with letting others down. I need the learn to value myself more and maybe it would matter to me when bailing on my own projects.

If you have any tips on sticking to your own projects, I'd love to hear them! I still don't have a solution for this, but I think posting about the progress I make on projects might encourage me to keep them up just like posting about gaming and other issues has helped me stick to my detox. I'm all ears.

[RB1]

On 7/22/2019 at 5:16 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

Gaming made you give up on yourself every day and at long last you stopped that b!tch from doing that to you!

Of all the awesome advice and knowledge you've given me so far, this was the most eye opening.

I never thought of it like the way you put it. "Gaming made me give up on myself everyday." That is exactly what I was doing without even realizing.

I think I need to reflect on this more. Any advice you may have on fighting this kind of negative self talk would help me a lot.

[RB1]

Day 11:

Goal B take 2 - day 1

Good day at work! Accomplished a lot, made some progress, good things overall.

Got drinks with a friend after work. Was feeling real tired since I stayed up wasting time I could have been sleeping watching pointless youtube videos and TV. Felt like just going home, but I promised I'd meet up and I hate to flake.

Realized before making this post that I haven't felt many cravings for the past few days. In fact, aside from a few moments, I've almost forgotten about gaming altogether. I have been a little more busy for the past three nights, but that's always a good thing.

I'm currently having a harder time with goal B. The cravings for this are currently much worse than gaming itself. I really hope that these two restrictions on my daily life don't get at me simultaneously. Afraid they might.

I'm entering day 12-15. If I ever made it this far into past detoxes, this is about where I gave in. I've only ever gotten past day 15 on two other detoxes ever. I'm confident I can get past it this time around. Before I would get bad cravings right at this time, but I'm really not experiencing much of them at the moment. GQ is to thank for that! I'm gonna need encouragement on day 14 and 15 since it'll be the weekend. Don't exactly have anything planned at the moment. I need to find something to do to fill the void or it could get bad real fast. Gonna try to stay away from home and avoid the situation all together.

Looking forward to fight the next 4 days off and getting to day 16. That's going to be a true milestone for me. Haven't gotten that far in 3 years.

Edited July 25, 2019 by RB1

[RB1]

Day 12:

Goal B take 2 - day 2

Got through the day without doing too much deep thinking. Busy day in and out of work, but easy on my mind. Been having to do a lot of deep thinking about my psyche since starting this detox, but I had no need today. No need to game, no need to be in my room alone on my laptop, no cravings, no combatting negative self talk, no need for reminders to stick to the detox, none of that.

This is exactly how I hope things can be for me when I'm done fighting gaming addiction. I know things just happened to work well for me and most days wont go this way. Even if this 90 day detox goes exactly as planned, I know I'll have days where I have to fight hard against my addictive behavior. I just hope I can achieve more days like today knowing it was because I was in control of my actions, thoughts, and emotions, not because I got a little lucky. Hopefully I can reach that time when fighting cravings becomes so easy it's practically second nature.

That's all for today ? 

[Deku]

Just three more days left! Excited for you!

[fawn_xoxo]

On 7/24/2019 at 5:25 PM, RB1 said:

Any advice you may have on fighting this kind of negative self talk would help me a lot.

I do have a suggestion that worked for me, but there are good news and bad news. The bad news are that in order for you to get better, if you're anything like me at least, you'll have to do homework. Like, real homework where you write down the negative thoughts and fact check them. (Look online for cognitive distortions worksheets and Socratic method in psychology) The good news is.. it works. At first it helps with just the feelings, the negativity subsides a bit after you've corrected the exaggerations you might call yourself. But with consistency on facing the self talk, because your own brain is correcting it, it gets less and less time in your thoughts. I needed a long time to take this seriously but when I did (and I still need it, it's a WIP) I saw results.

[RB1]

After what I said in my post last night, I ended up having about gaming. Felt like I played StarCraft II for 6 hours straight where I won every game. It reminded me of that dopamine rush you get when you're on a good streak and can't put the controller/mouse away. "I'll quit once I lose. One more game. Ok I lost, need to play just another one to redeem myself. Lost again so I'll play till I win. I won, but just a few more."

In my game binging dream, I'd forgotten that I'd made a commitment to cut gaming for 90 days, until the very end. I felt so much guilt and was just genuinely upset that I was going to have to reset my counter in my GQ journal. I also remembered in my dream that I was between days 12-15 of my detox, which upset me further that I gave into gaming then.

I'm not the type to look into dreams, but I felt like this served as an instant reminder after my easy day yesterday that the addiction is still there and strong. However, the fact I remembered about my detox at the end and was upset I was going to have to reset my counter means that GQ is really working for me. I'd say the dream ended up being positive overall. Regardless, I hope this doesn't become a recurring dream.

[RB1]

Day 15:

Past week 2!

Goal B - Day 5

Ended up taking a family trip out to the countryside where there was no internet. Made the tough days 11-15 real easy for me. Couldn't game up there if I wanted to :)

Brought my laptop up and began the programming project I've been meaning to do. Started making a chess game from scratch in C++. I probably put 6-8 hours into this in the last two days, which was basically all my free time.

This was the first time in a long time I lost track of time doing something productive that I also enjoy. I've honestly been void of passion 5 years at this point. Growing up, I was the type of person who had a small set of interests that I was deeply passionate about. I would think about them from the moment I woke up to the time I went to sleep. School and extra curricular activities were just in the way. I had this life driving purpose that I was always working towards.

I've been trying to recapture that sort of passion ever since it vanished 5 years back.

Kind of an abrupt end to my rant, but I'll pick it up another day. Too tired to continue at the moment.

I just wanted to say I don't have that passionate feeling towards anything back yet, but this weekend was a reminder of what that felt like. Having an addictive personality can be incredibly damaging when your brain wraps itself around a harmful activity, but when you redirect that energy towards something fulfilling, the feeling is unbelievable.

I have so much faith in myself and other gamers going through a rough phase in life. We're grinders by nature. Once we learn to redirect our mental energy towards something better for us, I know we can all turn our lives around.

[RB1]

Day 16 - late post:

Made it through day 11-15! Very proud of myself! I've only gotten this far during two other detoxes in my life and believe me, I've tried these detoxes dozens of times. I believe the further I've ever gotten with a gaming detox is day 32, so that's the next milestone I'm aiming for.

Honestly, I've had 10 times of an easier experience this time around purely because of the posts I've been making. I'm really confident I can make it to day 32 and even further.

Bad news. I've been having a rough time with goal B (keeping my laptop out of my room). I'm going to have to figure something else out with this. I've brought my laptop to my room at night for the past two nights and ended up binge watching random internet content for 2 hours two nights ago, and 4 hours last night. That's a lot of sleep I could have had and lost.

The problem is, I don't have an alternative night activity to blow off steam. So far, I've been able to abstain from gaming by having a busier than usual schedule, filling my free time with different leisure activities, strict projects, and general discipline. When it comes to night time leisure activities, all I've ever done is go to my room and sit on my computer and A, play tons of video games, or B, watch endless gaming content on twitch, youtube, twitter along with some other non-gaming content. I need to find a leisure activity that replaces this and I can't figure one out. I know a lot of people say reading and I should read more, but I've never been the best reader so it feels more like work than a leisure activity to me. This is what I need to figure out to stick with goal B. This is unexpectedly more of a challenge than cutting gaming so far.

Actual Daily Post - Today was a great day! Woke up feeling good, had a great day at work, didn't go straight home but to a restaurant to get dinner and drinks with a friend for the rest of the night. I've actually been scheduling and committing activities I make during my free time! Got home last and was very tired so I ended up chilling out for the rest of the night till 2am on my computer, which I'm not happy about. Other than that slip-up, great day! Cutting gaming has really opened me up to want to be more social in the last two weeks! Before the detox, I was somewhat as socially active, but there was always this lingering thought in the back of my mind when with others that said I wish I just went home and gamed instead. There was always also this sense of urgency to go home earlier than I needed so I can have time before the end of the day to game for a few hours. Last night and this last week, I haven't felt that at all. It's really an amazing feeling! I still get that sense of urgency to get home a little earlier than I need so I can relax on my computer for a bit, but it doesn't compare even slightly to that urgency with gaming.

Once again, I'm proud to have made it to day 16! I know it's still 16/90 days, but it's a real milestone for me. I've learned a lot about myself in 16 days, good things have been happening to me as a result of the time that's opened up from cutting gaming, I'm already starting to feel the positive effects of the detox, and am actively working towards some of the things I've put off for a long time! It's felt like the longest 16 days of my life, but also the most rewarding. Looking forward to my next milestone, day 32 :)

 

[DaBest]

Hey @RB1! Glad to hear about your progress!

Have you considered putting blockers on your internet usage, at least temporarily? It worked really well for me, and was a big difference why I've had a much easier time with my detox. At least for now, it's forced me to find other things to do, because no matter how many times I type in certain websites, they won't come up. It short circuited my habit and gave me an opportunity to find things that were more rewarding. 

[RB1]

9 hours ago, DaBest said:

Have you considered putting blockers on your internet usage, at least temporarily?

I use an app called SelfControl to block twitch and twitter and another application to block youtube gaming channels that I used to spend all day on. I've blocked off all major sites in the past, but whenever I restricted myself too much, I always gave in and moved my clock ahead a day to bypass the apps restriction mechanism. Its got an easy way around it and I'm riding on some discipline right now so I don't do the same with the few gaming channels I'm blocking at the moment.

I don't really know of an app that has a reliable blocking mechanism. When the cravings get bad I've just looked up how to bypass it. Let me know if you know of a good one. If there's an app that would block the internet all together for some set period of time, I could use that as well.

Ultimately, I'd like to find some nighttime activity that help me blow off steam just like gaming did for me before. I need some end of the day relaxing activity that replaces gaming. I realize that I might have to start by cutting myself off the internet at night all together, but I've recently learned that it's even harder for me to this out of my life than gaming.

Just out of curiosity, what activities did you find that were more rewarding for you?

[DaBest]

That's true, there are always ways around these. There's no permanent fix besides finding a good cave and becoming a hermit I guess. 

But in all seriousness, I'm well aware of that. For me, my biggest fear is once I unblock something, that my brain will start finding more and more things to unblock. I mean, I could find ways to change the slightly change a website address so I could view a lot of the content I have blocked, but at least it's harder to manage, and therefore helps snap me out of my habit quicker. Ultimately, the blocking is just to free up the mental space of not having to choose to go on the internet so you have the time to explore other things that are more meaningful to you. 

My setup is weird. On my iPhone, I use the adult content blocker to simply block all of the sites I don't want to look at on my phone, which I restrict more things on. On my laptop, I have three extensions for Chrome: DF Tube, Block Site, and StayFocusd. DF Tube eliminates recommended videos from YouTube, so there's less chance of me going down the rabbit hole when I'm on it. Block Site I use to flat out block certain sites that I don't want to spend any time on (i.e., Twitch). StayFocusd I use for sites that I am okay with visiting, but I've set it up that I only have 30 minutes a day to view those sites (like YouTube). I also disabled Microsoft Edge because I began to abuse that for those dopamine hits...

Reducing internet usage is arguably a lot harder, I agree. There's so much more we can distract ourselves with besides gaming. 

My activities right now: self-help, gym, reading, meditation, finance, cooking, salsa dancing, improv comedy, (curling), hiking, learning Japanese, learning social skills (and yes, that's sounds a bit autistic at face value, but I didn't have the best upbringing).  I'm probably spread too thin. The most rewarding is improv comedy when I do well, and when I face my fears.  In general, although it's not a hobby, I usually feel rewarded when I take a risk and face my fears in whatever it is. 

Let me know if any of this is useful for you. Your mileage may vary, so just keep trying things until you find something that works for you.

[RB1]

8 hours ago, DaBest said:

StayFocusd I use for sites that I am okay with visiting, but I've set it up that I only have 30 minutes a day to view those sites (like YouTube).

My activities right now: self-help, gym, reading, meditation, finance, cooking, salsa dancing, improv comedy, (curling), hiking, learning Japanese, learning social skills.

 

@DaBest Thank you for the advice! The apps I'm using are currently working for me for the sites I'm blocking, but youtube is not on that list. I do need to cut the time I spend on youtube, but I've always been hesitant to block it since I actually do use it for work and to study in general, but I know past 8pm I never doing anything productive on it. I didn't know StayFocused existed and is actually perfect for my situation! If I decide to do some personal studying at home after work, I look through videos on youtube a lot as a source of reference. But when I begin to procrastinate, I make this subconscious transition to watching junk on youtube and can spend 2-4 hours before I catch myself slipping. If I turned on StayFocused as soon as I get home from work/school, It will definitely keep me honest with my time on youtube. Thanks for letting me know!

Also all the activities you mentioned sound awesome! It's real inspiring to hear how many things you're trying out now. Are these all activities you've picked up since cutting out gaming?

 

[RB1]

Day 18:

I've been feeling to lazy to post much in my journal as of late. I should post more and keep this habit up, but something about this week...

Good news - it's been pretty easy for me to not game. Surprisingly easy actually. The easiest it's ever felt during a detox.  I've gotten some cravings at random times in the past week, but I feel very much in control of them. Not gonna get too far ahead of myself, but I'm glad this is the way it is.

Bad news - I've been very inconsistent with the activities I've told myself to do in place of gaming. I've done all the things I'd said I'd do at some point, but I haven't kept them up. Even if it's just for 15-20 minutes, I should try and do some activity every day. Consistency is the key.

I hope if I continue not to game, these other activities integrate into my life more naturally. Struggling to keep them up. Maybe it'll start happening soon since I don't have to put so much mental energy towards not gaming. Maybe I need even more discipline and more effort.

That's it for today. Too lazy to write. I'll make sure to write another big post for myself at the end of my third week.

[fawn_xoxo]

Hey, good job on not gaming! What do your days look like now? Boredom with laziness might potentially push you closer to a relapse purely out of a lowered guard and habit. It's still early and there's usually some way to go still. 

[DaBest]

To answer your question, no. Thinking about it now, most of them I have picked up after reducing internet usage/not gaming. I have more time for that and my brain refuses to be bored. But some of them, like curling, I had from before. I have definitely also increased my time in those hobbies the less time I spend on the Internet. It's like an 80/20 split.

Also, I'm glad you're enjoying StayFocusd already! I hope it works out for you and makes things a bit easier.

Edited August 1, 2019 by DaBest

[RB1]

Day 19:

Had a great day :)

[RB1]

Day 20:

Another great day!

Friday night but decided to stay home. Feelin a little tired.

No need for games at all :)

Haven't been thinking much about how my detox has been effecting me this week, but I'll try to dive into my thoughts and try to summarize my experiences weeks 1, 2, and three and where I'm headed with my detox.

Overall been feeling good though!