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James S.

My daily walk

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Day 28

A good day overall, but I did have some moments that were difficult. Our new phones arrived early, so that was a nice surprise. Used Samsung Galaxy S6, used but they are working just fine. I am a little tempted to try to do some recordings with mine soon. 

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Day 29

Summery: I noticed that I may have not played any video games since I started, but I noticed streaming TV shows has taken it's place. I about finished the TV show I been streaming, so I am planning to do the same with streaming services unless I watch something with my wife. 

I got some challenges. Our finances are a mess at this moment. Due to poor planning and emotional spending. I am running a strategy of failing forward, get what we require and pay the penalties for it on my next check. The windshield has a growing crack in it, so I am pricing out replacements. Emissions are around the corner and I have no clue what is needed to be done to pass it. I plan to talk to emissions location and educate myself on what is required to pass and limits. 

Our cats are still separated, at this point we are taking our time with it. Site swapping is very dangerous due to Abbi is too scared to get out from under the bed. We almost has two cats have it out while we tried to transfer them. We are in no rush to do that again. Ranon has started to bite or nip at my legs. I gotta look into what that behavior means.

After the mess of the last week, I really really don't want to go down that road again. I feel like I need to think like an ant, and map everything that is important thru out the year. I need to start making yearly plans rather than 2 weeks to a month plans. 

My new email address is active. Over the next year I am going to phase out my old gmail account. I had to create a google account for it due to I work on Chrome too much. I want to phase out of Google Chrome at some point, but Firefox has performance issues on my Linux system. I am waiting for them to resolve it. 

I am a mess with my faith, I been trying to end my night with a message. So far it has been helping me to humble myself, and think less of my own issues. 

We are making a trip to my parents this weekend. I am hoping to record some good family videos and pictures while we are up there. 

I think that is about it. A little progress each day is the only way to move forward. 

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Day 30

A good day overall. I avoided streaming TV shows all day. I think I am going to restrict it to only bad days where I just need time to fly. My wife made some kick butt burgers as well yum yum!

My wife's new phone is having problems. I learned that no one been able to reach her. I was already heading home for lunch. It turns out her phone has a poor battery and it has a hard time connecting with the Verizon Wireless network. I switched her to her old phone until I could work on it. Later after a lot of testing, I determined it be best to give her my phone and I would deal with the issues on her phone. I found if I call out it finds the network and goes active. I restart the phone, it can't find it automatically. Seems like some kind of error or corruption with the OS. I thinking I want to flash it back to the top version Verizon supported. It could be corrupt or mismanaging resources on the phone. I hate having to flash phones. There is not much information on how Android OS works, and one wrong move I get a brick instead of a phone. My only regret was I spent too much time working on it last night. Like I can be a bull dog, I bite and I won't let go until I know it is resolved. It is hard to turn off.

I was studying about INFP personalities(old hobby) and I agree with one assessment. I have too high standards and I beat myself up if I don't meet them. I asked my wife how she would rate my tech skills, and she thinks I was awesome. Yet in my eyes I didn't resolve the issue fully, so I feel like I failed. I mitigate the problem and found the core problems. I found a work around to be able to use the phone in question. It is a victory, yet there is that nagging feeling I didn't finish the job. Personal struggles I guess. 

I let my Mom know we were definitely coming over tomorrow. She was very happy. I really want to use our new phones to record as much as we can. I am thinking of making a cat video for my folks to introduce them to Ranon and Abbi. It will be good experience. 

I just got to check the fluids in the engine and clean out the car. We are going to do the packing tonight after work. We are looking to take off early Sunday morning. 

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Days 31-35

A mix bag really. I left for up state to spend time with my parents. Where they live is beautiful and it was like a mini vacation. We just took our time and soaked it in. We had a fun time with my parents. My Mom made an old school kids birthday cake, I felt like I was a kid again. I did some recording with our new phones and the video came out awesome. 

When we got back to the city is where things went south. I had a bad experience with my Mother in law. I intentionally made videos just for her and I wanted to share them. We sent to her place when we got in town. I am tired and I helped my folks move some furniture up before we left. Instead of my Mother in law wanting to check out the videos, she kept going on about boxes in the car of food. I had no clue what she was talking about. Finally I gave in and found several boxes of St. Mary's food boxes that needed to be brought up. So I did what a good son in law needed to do. I was completely wiped, and all she cared about was the food boxes of dried food. 

What kills me is that if it was anyone else she would have been more than happy to check out their pictures or videos. I am still trying to forgive her. I been very down the last few days, I finally figured it out. I blew out my lower back, which quietly wrecks me. Last night I was very close to reinstalling Steam and dive into Warhammer 40k. Personally I wouldn't have blamed myself if I did it. Somehow I distracted myself with "Stan against Evil" comedy TV show and I went to bed early. 

I am feeling better, but I can feel the borderline pain of my lower back. Thankfully it is quiet at work. 

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Day 36

A somewhat tough day at work. I helped people as best I could, despite the known issues going on. Yet I struggle to claim it as a win. I love resolving problems, not just getting by. Like feeling powerless, yet despite it all they walked away able to watch their content. Yesterday was a win. 

Being sensitive sucks, like being stuck out on sea and the waves push you to and fro. Navigating is a nightmare most of the time, until I see someone in distress. Then I become a commander with a cause or mission to fight. I wish I didn't need people to feel like I am worth something. 

Streaming Stan against Evil, not my best choose but hey it is entertainment. My cellphone is becoming more useful each day, watched on my couch with the phone. Too funny it was louder on my phone than my wife's computer speakers. 

I was able to knock out some cat duties last night and I went to bed at a really good hour. I am really thankful for that. 

This Sunday it will be the first day going to the new church. I have a feeling my wife won't make it, but I feel like I need to get straight with God on a lot of things. It is hard to believe, this will be the first traditional church institution we will be going since we lost our home church. It is going to be tough. There are still some hurt feeling under the surface, but it needs to be done. 

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Days 37-39

Saturday was tough at work. We had a known issue and it was phone call after phone call of unable to resolve issues. Sadly my mind turned off and ended with a 2 hour call to finish the day. When I got home.. I was SOOOOO tempted to say screw it. Like thoughts and emotions going thru my head "why does it matter?", like I lost sight of why I quit gaming. Part of me didn't want to give in, undo my progress. Finally I got myself to bed to rest. 

My wife and I been planning to start fresh with a new church. Trinity Bible Church, only local Reformed church. Saturday night I felt so overwhelmed, talked about with my wife. I just needed a day where I wasn't rushed out the door on someone else's schedule. We opted to wait until next weekend to start up with the new church. I got much needed rest.

Sunday I made arrangements to visit my Mother in law, and I spent the afternoon making sure the videos I recorded worked properly on my Linux laptop. Files were giving me some weird permissions problem. I know how to deal with permissions with Linux, but I just didn't have it in me. Uploaded the files to G drive and they worked. We went over and we had some fun sharing our trip with my Mother in law. 

I been a fan of Solus project for some time, but they were too new to use. I found KDE Plasma 5 has seriously grown on me. I been using Kubuntu for some time and I been happy with it. Ultimately I want to be a part of Solus because they built it from the ground up, instead of standing on Debian's shoulders. Which I admire. Seems they are testing out KDE Plasma on it now. It is not classified as stable yet, but I couldn't resist. I tested it out last night and I took a leap of faith. I found some interesting tools and it is very fast. Only uses .5g of ram. So far it is working good. Switch my laptop to it soon here. ( Solus Linux website )

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Hey Sapuverell,

Thanks for replying. Sometimes it is refreshing to know we are not alone in our struggles. 

To answer your question first I would say "by the grace of God". Second answer I would give is that I tried to quit gaming a number of times. I fought the battle with a 13 year porn addiction and it was easy compared to this. I knew my enemy well, I knew the depths of depravity it took my mind. Labeling it my enemy was easy and it still is my passion to fight it. Video gaming has been a part of my life since I was about 7-8 years old. Gaming is like breathing, like a best friend I knew since childhood. It was and at times still hard to call it my enemy.

In all honesty it has been a 'crutch' to get by in life. I suck at real life, it's easy to get lost in my head and be left alone. I know this is the damage of my childhood that I am anti social, but the grace of God I will one day be healed of it. I have come a long way. I am just at a cross roads where I want to do better with my life. When you are young, it seems like you have all the time in the world, yet when you get older it seems like time is slipping away fast. Years go by and you can't remember half the stuff you did in them. I gamed for a life time over. I want to see if I can make this thing called Life work. It means I have to accept hard work is the name of the game, and taking the easy way out is quitting. 

When I sat on my couch thinking how much I wanted to say screw it. I saw for a moment in my head I broke my previous record of 30 days clean and I just didn't want to reset that counter again. So I opted to go to bed instead. When I am emotionally down or tired, I am very vulnerable to going back to gaming. It was easier to go to bed and sleep for 40 minutes, then to reinstall Steam. 

Share something I posted on Discord today to help you out as well.

"just remember brother it is a process. Only reason I am over 30+ days of no gaming is that I learned from my prior failures. Sometimes re-entering real life isn't easy, have to face demons about ourselves we didn't want to deal with. 

This quote has helped me a lot. Just in case you need it. "
https://youtu.be/LstIgtkEe50

Edited by James S.
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Days 40-41

Monday started out pretty good. I had the pleasure to chat with someone on discord channel about linux. Started a new project of transitioning from Kubuntu to Solus Linus plasma test iso. I found some nifty tools, but it wasn't as pretty as Kubuntu. I think I am going to try it out for a month. I like to stick with Solus, just they are still new, not as developed as ubuntu. 

I found the OTA tools finally for our Samsung phones. I didn't realize they were on the phone already lol I tested it out last night, upgraded me to the last release from Verizon. Funny thing is, I am right back where I started. It doesn't find the service when the OS starts. Only work around is to call out, then it finds it. Now that I experienced from beginning to now. I think I want to keep the Android 7 nouget. It seems very sleek and it has great power management tools. 

I have one lead to test out later tonight. 

I didn't finish my projects until Tuesday night, like they just got done. Which is breaking my wife away from her computer, which is a miracle in itself. lol

No gaming cravings, but I am trying to no to lower my guard. Gaming commercials all over the place. Even opening Discord can be challenging with their home page showing gaming content.  

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I've had the same problem with Discord! It's so handy for keeping up with certain social groups, and a lot of my colleagues work in the games industry, so naturally, it's really hard to uninstall. But those ads can be totally triggering. 😂

You're nearly halfway through your 90-day detox!  Quite the achievement. That's awesome man, stay strong. 🙂

Edited by ElectroNugget
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On 5/1/2019 at 2:15 PM, ElectroNugget said:

I've had the same problem with Discord! It's so handy for keeping up with certain social groups, and a lot of my colleagues work in the games industry, so naturally, it's really hard to uninstall. But those ads can be totally triggering. 😂

You're nearly halfway through your 90-day detox!  Quite the achievement. That's awesome man, stay strong. 🙂

Thanks brother!

I never thought about it that way. I been so busy with things I didn't look at the big picture. 🙂

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Day 42-43

Work has been fairly easy. I am on chats and it has been very dead. Compared to last week with it being very difficult it has been refreshing. 

I had some emotional struggles, a bit of self loathing. When finances get shaky I believe one of my insecurities kick in and I blame myself. Thankfully I caught it early and resolve it. Last year my wife and I were borrowing money to pay the rent, this year we are only a few bills behind. This is nothing compared to years ago where we almost got convicted a number of times. I have a lot to be thankful for, sometimes my insecurities have to be reminded. 

I transitioned from Kubuntu to Solus with Plasma desktop. I am still feeling it out. I been so busy taking care of the household that I haven't really got to feel it out yet. I got the laptop working with it now. Somehow I encrypted the drive and it locked me out. I had to get some tools to break it and format the hard drive. It was a bit weird to say the least. 

I watch Hulu on some nights, but the damned commercials are about phone games. I am like really?? I gave up and I now use my ad blocker. It blacks out the screen during the commercial breaks. When things get better I will just pay for No Ads. My time is worth more than that. 

I am noticing that my weight is becoming a problem. It has been for sometime. I put it on hold due to facing off with my gaming. I know it is my third addiction. I work for a call center and do pretty much no physical activity at work. We have access to the gym but I always make excuses in going. I know this is my next battle ground. I am even thinking of a detox from sugar. I have a horrible sweet tooth. 

On the spiritual front, I been way too laxed. I know Jesus has saved me from my sins, and I been grafted into a much larger family like an adopted child. I wasn't perfected by a long shot and I was obedient to staying with the learning institution the Lord placed me. From my first church, to my wife's church when I moved out to AZ. Our church fell apart, and the property was given to a 'pastor' who runs it like the family business instead of God reigning in it. We did church from home, but we were put under conviction we needed to rejoin a body of believers. We found a home church group with leaders we trust. We learned a lot thru it, even had my religious spirit pointed out. We loved it to bits, but the leaders of it wanted to step down for their own reasons.

With the roller coaster ride, it becomes hard to know who you trust and what to believe anymore. I want to do the right thing, but I am so tired of the nonsense. Now we have a church I found that is around the corner, it has been solid in teaching and stable for over 30 years. We gone a few times. Right now they are our best option, but I don't know if I have the energy to do a full scale church again. It feels very daunting, but I can't just sit around twitting my thumbs. Maybe I am afraid I will like it and care again. I don't know. 

I tried many many many times to forgive those who stole my church. Stole the place where God was there for me time and time again. The place I cried out for justice for the evil that was done to my parents in by another institute in Hawaii, who kicked them out because of the place was corrupt. How my Lord with his hand took care of my parents in such a way. Place where I got married to my beloved wife. The place I seen broken people seek out God for help and we pray over them. The humble building that in it's foundation is a plaque for it's dedication to Christ and His Kingdom.... which is now covered over to make the building look more sleek and new age looking to compete with other churches in the area. What a Fing joke indeed!

Yeah I am still bitter.  

Edited by James S.

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Day 44

Good day overall. No cravings, just a lot of down time. Everything worked out with paying the rent, so no real financial woes. 

Well the Solus linux is a bust. I wanted to test it out for a month and see how it worked. Plasma iso was in testing, sure enough it was unstable. I was driving myself nuts trying to create Kubuntu usb installer. The app I used before kept crashing. I had to go old school command line with DD function. It took two tries but it worked. Both of my machines are Kubuntu again. 

Looks like I have more DVD authoring tools available with Kubuntu anyways. I got a small job coming up this weekend create a DVD of family videos. I have to run tests tonight to see how reliable these apps are. 

I almost forgot, a few days ago. I recorded some playing around on my acoustic guitar. Quality of the recording was horrible, but it was exciting to hear my work. 

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Days 45-46

Saturday was a little tough. I had to juggle some things around to resolve the rent and get to work on time. I was blessed with Thanksgiving dinner, but I was so beat up to really fellowship. Church didn't happen either. 

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. I woke up thinking I want to spend the morning getting right with God. I get a cat mess instead. As I working out the mess, the male cat jumps our original female one. I tackled the male while the female escaped into the living room. Second female is still in the living room. 

THEN we made arrangements to drive my Mother in law to see her sister in Christ in the hospital. We had to risk leaving two cats in the same room for a couple of hours, one of the cats is not liking it. We mitigated the problem as best we could. 

We got back and everything was OK. Eventually we had to coax the other female cat to the back of our apartment for her own safety.

The male cat is too dangerous to keep in the house. We will have to let him go, the two are at such odds. Now we have to talk to shelters. Male cat is lovable and he is comfortable with humans, but he is a bully to other cats. We were trying to discipline him when he tried ramming the others. 

Household is back under control, just the whole situation breaks my heart. Seeing how the fight effected our first cat, and how we have to manage the other female. My wife and I are such noobs at this whole thing, we seriously need help. 

Listening to music, just expressing myself here. In the back of my head I see games popping up. Trying to not let it get to  me. Thankfully we are freed up tomorrow, so I can focus on our household. Maybe this time I start things right and try again to get right with God. Just like we had to shepherd our cats, I know the Lord has to shepherd me. 

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Day 47

A good day overall. No cravings. I just wanted to use the morning to make up for Sunday morning. 

Found out that there are Christian Discord channels, so I joined a few of them. It was a little odd filling out interview questions, but hey I am sure they get enough trolls. I had a discussion with an Atheist, and I didn't hold it against them. He was pretty sincere asking questions about God and Hell. I was straight with him and gave him some of my testimony. Hopefully it would help him with his internal questions.

I landed two jobs. Tech job, damage laptop. Disassembled it and found 2 of the 3 mounts for the hinge to the monitor are damaged. Did some research on how to resolve it. I got an idea, but I need to do more research before I pitch it to the owner of the laptop. 

Also landed a media creation job, taking family videos and making them watchable on DVR to share with the family. I haven't dabbled with this stuff for a long while. I am excited about the challenge, but I have to make sure I have the right tools for the job. I had experiences with creating media content or presentations as a projector operator during the days with my home church. 

Typically I gotta get the flavor of the videos, maybe find some funny shots. Use them as a back drop to the menu page, then find kinda like family polaroid-ish to launch each video. Or maybe, let them play from beginning to end. Depends on how they want it. Once I secure the tools I will make mock ups and present them to my client. See which one they like the most and make it happen. 

Back to work today. Good times lol 

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Days 48-49

Last two days been unstable, think I got hit with boredom. I streamed some animations that could remind me of Halo. Small reminders of the rush of Halo 2 the defense of the battle stations. I get rev'ed up easily when thinking about Alien scum trying to attack Earth. I am weird like that. Thankfully they weren't powerful enough to mess with me, more like remembering a memory for a moment. I didn't ponder on it.

Goofed up my sleep cycle, but thankfully last night I got back on track. Like I took 1 and half mindless days off, and today I am ready to work. 

I pitched the repair option to my client. Too cute she is emotional about her laptop, but she gave me the green light. I will be picking up the supplies tonight.

Hold off on the media project until this weekend, that way I can take my time digesting the content. I like to have mock ups ready to go before the middle of next week. 

Side project I need to help design a logo for my Mother in laws business logo. I got a great idea in my head, but I need to find a way to get it out of my head. 

I like to get the laptop repair out of the way first, then work on the content jobs. See how I hold up. 

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Day 50

Hard to believe I am 50 days game free. I didn't think it was possible. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thankful to the Lord God Almighty for getting me to this point and to Gamequitters for helping me put the final nails on the coffin to this addiction. I know I still have a long way to go, but out of the mess I am starting to make a life for myself. 

The end =P

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12 minutes ago, James S. said:

Day 50

Hard to believe I am 50 days game free. I didn't think it was possible. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thankful to the Lord God Almighty for getting me to this point and to Gamequitters for helping me put the final nails on the coffin to this addiction. I know I still have a long way to go, but out of the mess I am starting to make a life for myself. 

The end =P

Hey man - dont give anyone credit for this beyond yourself. No one accomplished this but you. YOU DID THIS. Not god, YOU. By yourself. All we do here is provide support.

I think it is very important for you to realize that YOU have done this, otherwise you can relapse easy (the person or being that helped you through this left or something).

But congrats James! You are an inspiration! 😁

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On 5/10/2019 at 10:38 AM, FIghtingForLife said:

Hey man - dont give anyone credit for this beyond yourself. No one accomplished this but you. YOU DID THIS. Not god, YOU. By yourself. All we do here is provide support.

I think it is very important for you to realize that YOU have done this, otherwise you can relapse easy (the person or being that helped you through this left or something).

But congrats James! You are an inspiration! 😁

I love you and I know you are saying. I really do appreciate it.

I really meant what I said. There is a lot of back story to get where I am at today. My awareness of my problems with gaming started about 13 years ago. I was very broken, struggling with depression and a slave to a porn addiction. I hated everything about who I was. Events took place that broke me from my computer and start seeking for help. Too many testimonies, I am giving you a really really short version. After I came to the saving knowledge of Jesus, my conversion was dramatic. I woke up to the emotional barbell was taken off me and I had eyes that could not lust. Like the world change but it didn't. As time went by, my problems slowly returned. I tried to be strong on my own more and more. I finally broke down in frustration couple months later and said "screw you" to God in my anger. After the anger was gone, I couldn't deny what had happened. Free from porn for 2 and half months was unheard for me. I had to make a decision, to dismiss what happened and say screw it. Or realize I got a taste of what I could have. I asked forgiveness and been walking with God since. 

I was a scared little boy trying to learn how to become a man. I CLUNG to God every step of the way. First time in my life I had someone to go to with my problems. Like a light switch, night and day from before I was saved to after. When my depression would hit hard, Lord would speak to my like an encouraging father telling me it was OK. I was so frustrated with myself all I could think about was suicide, in my head like the Lord took the concept of what he made me to be, pull it out of the trash and said I didn't understand what he created. Over time I found myself compelled to encourage others who were going thru pain too. What lead me to my wife. Too many testimonies to give there. 

Life has been a roller coaster ride living off grace. Between my marriage and gaming addiction. To my wife having her health problems and the challenges that came with it. Almost evicted a number of times. Too many testimonies than I can give. I can't take credit. I needed help every step of the way. If I didn't get it, I wouldn't be on this forum right now typing this. 

"Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written." -John 21:25 ESV

Know I am not trying to convert you, just I want you to understand why I said what I said. 

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Days 51-53

Well I did the repair on the laptop and it turned out to be a bust. I didn't know epoxy expands and I couldn't seal the laptop case because of it. My confidence took a huge blow. I got that old panic feeling going on that I have a responsibility that I can't get rid of. Client expecting her device back soon. I could feel the old mind set that I shouldn't do computer work, I screwed it up. I got myself in trouble. 

I been hearing Chrono Trigger music in my head, kinda hearing it now as I type this. Like it sounds beautiful, but I am afraid it may influence me. 

Well I had a rough start to Mother's day. I am getting a little sick. Thankfully I was able to spend time with my Mother in law. That went great.

I can't make the repair work. I tried and it didn't work. Sometimes I just need to put it all down, and step back. Keep from panicking. I am didn't want to do it, but I am going to price out palm rests and let my client know we are going to plan B. Replace the broken palmrest.  

I showed my Mother in law some of content I found from the 1950s of what I plan to do for the her business logo. I gotta check out the family videos and get the flavor of the content to work on that project as well. 

My wife was out of the house most of the week. Our apartment is a mess again lol I am freed up tomorrow, so I plan to tackle it. Hopefully I won't have to go to Urgent care for my throat. Since it is my money maker.

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There's nothing wrong with the nostalgia for an old game you loved like Chrono Trigger. I think the thing to do is to place it and leave it. That was a good memory. You are making new memories now. 5 years from now, you can still have the Chrono Trigger memories AND 5 years of non-gaming memories that will be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. You can keep up the good work. Be strong. 

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On 5/11/2019 at 2:21 PM, James S. said:

I love you and I know you are saying. I really do appreciate it.

I really meant what I said. There is a lot of back story to get where I am at today. My awareness of my problems with gaming started about 13 years ago. I was very broken, struggling with depression and a slave to a porn addiction. I hated everything about who I was. Events took place that broke me from my computer and start seeking for help. Too many testimonies, I am giving you a really really short version. After I came to the saving knowledge of Jesus, my conversion was dramatic. I woke up to the emotional barbell was taken off me and I had eyes that could not lust. Like the world change but it didn't. As time went by, my problems slowly returned. I tried to be strong on my own more and more. I finally broke down in frustration couple months later and said "screw you" to God in my anger. After the anger was gone, I couldn't deny what had happened. Free from porn for 2 and half months was unheard for me. I had to make a decision, to dismiss what happened and say screw it. Or realize I got a taste of what I could have. I asked forgiveness and been walking with God since. 

I was a scared little boy trying to learn how to become a man. I CLUNG to God every step of the way. First time in my life I had someone to go to with my problems. Like a light switch, night and day from before I was saved to after. When my depression would hit hard, Lord would speak to my like an encouraging father telling me it was OK. I was so frustrated with myself all I could think about was suicide, in my head like the Lord took the concept of what he made me to be, pull it out of the trash and said I didn't understand what he created. Over time I found myself compelled to encourage others who were going thru pain too. What lead me to my wife. Too many testimonies to give there. 

Life has been a roller coaster ride living off grace. Between my marriage and gaming addiction. To my wife having her health problems and the challenges that came with it. Almost evicted a number of times. Too many testimonies than I can give. I can't take credit. I needed help every step of the way. If I didn't get it, I wouldn't be on this forum right now typing this. 

"Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written." -John 21:25 ESV

Know I am not trying to convert you, just I want you to understand why I said what I said. 

I am definitely glad for you man. Im glad you found something that helped! 😃

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Day 54

I got a few household things done. I let my client know the repair was a bust, parts are way too expensive. She understood and waiting to save up for a new laptop. I am thinking of trying one more time, but I want to wait till I get a tool or two first. 

I got two media projects to work on, but I was emotionally drained for some reason. I passed out twice with my big boy Raynon right beside me. 

Pretty much a mindless evening, watching some streaming content. 

We had to do the switch, moving our cats around so be better environments for them. To our surprise the hardest part was our original cat. She still emotionally scarred from the assault from last weekend. I had to use compressed air to scare her in the back of the apartment. Cats are doing fine now. We will keep it this way. 

I had to work like an ox to make sure everything was set up for the cats. Lower back  pain after cleaning both potties. 

I really want to get back on the horse with my Christian studies this week. My current struggle is unlearning my secular mindset. I was grown up during the time where the concept of life without eternity, life divorced from eternity. I didn't come to Christ for the concern of my eternal soul. I came to Jesus, because I was a broken man who needed rescuing. My goal is to make my creed "Right now counts forever" and truly believe it. 

Other issue that I am working on is I grew up like many with the whole "Jesus loves me" message. That message is not the true gospel, it is a liberal version of it. Jesus does love those he saves, but he is also the Lion of Judah. Gospel is about God saving sinners from...God. I still struggle with that, with knowing the wrath and anger of a holy God. 

I don't know where this journey going to take me.

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Days 55-56

I been sick the last two days, nothing serious. Enough to stay home from work for 😄

Tuesday more or less just a kick back day. Honestly too much of it was watching a TV show The Gifted. Trying to finish season 2. I did get some household stuff done but nothing major. 

Wednesday I didn't want to repeat history and I really applied Right Now Counts Forever. Went out for breakfast with my wife and mother in law. Good food and fellowship. Sold my Mother in law in going up north with us, only condition she wants to get a motel room of her own. She has serious anxieties with the freeway, so we have to find a way to distract her until we get out of the valley. 

I took advantage of my free time to knock out some stuff for my mother in law. She lost her long standing employment and she needs help getting work and supplies. I knocked out a lot of stuff to help out. Only major project left is her business logo. I tried to work on it, but pinta program kept crashing with my linux system. I am not sure if unstable due to plasma desktop. Installed Mate desktop to see if it work better. I ran out of time though. 

I made some strides in my bible studies. My problem was I got lost in the knowledge and concepts of Reformed faith, but I never fully applied them in my life. AKA a hypocrite. This time I am taking it slow, and apply what I learn bit by bit. I want to honor my teacher and the reformers by getting truly what they are teaching and living it out. 

 

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Day 57

Work was a little tough due to still having problems with coughing and an irritated throat. We had a little crisis during the day. My wife noticed our other skittish cat was taking swings at our first cat. She wanted to get the other two out of the house right away. 

Did some research and I found why our two new arrivals are trying to attack our first cat. Issue with cat pheromones. My big idea of changing potties caused the cats to think there was rival in their territories. They wanted to fight it out. We went out, bought a new bin to make into a potty and did a lot of cleaning. It was a tough project between my wife and I. We are both paying for it today. Hopefully it should make things safer and reduce tensions.  

I found there is such a thing as feline pheromones that can help calm the cats down. First chance we get we are going buy diffusers for the apartment.  

As I was trying to pass out I had a nostalgia moment with another Chrono Trigger song in my head. I was too beat up to worry about it. Next I know I am out. 

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