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James S.

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Everything posted by James S.

  1. 11/2/20 Baby step, 20 minutes in the Word of God. Clean up the living room here and there. Clean my desk some. Spend time with my wife tonight. Goal, let go of my clan and walk away from Lineage 2.
  2. 10/14/20 I finally got some sleep. My mind is just overwhelmed with thoughts. Trying to make better decisions today. Observations I am obsessed with improving things. I can literally feel my brain go into a hyper focus, to find anything in the market to achieve my goals or find good prices. So much mental energy poured out over nothing. Fake improvement vs real improvement Small fake improvements, think I get small dopamine rewards for but it is totally not healthy thing. Feeling worn out and emotionally tired. Real improvements aren't instant gratification.
  3. Hey bro! First time I tried to quit, I kept myself busy with technical projects and such. I could only do that for so long, then I went back to my old routines. Second time, I replaced gaming with streaming movies and TV shows. Watched a lot of the walking dead with my wife and such. burnt out on it and went back to gaming Third time, tried my best to keep myself from gaming, at 9 months I was sitting there thinking I am still the same guy that tried to stop before. I literally feel no different since day one. I was just using will power to sit on my hands and not play. My job got EXTREMELY busy at the time, so I opted to let myself play till I was ready to fight it again. Each person's recovery is different, others can quit gaming and move on with their lives. With my situation, nothing to move on to. I have to discover my new life to help reduce my dependency on gaming to have an artificial life. I live in a bubble and I need to burst the bubble. At least that is my current theory.
  4. Hello community, I been a gamer since I was like 7, starting with NES games and anything I could get my hands on. I am very introverted and I have anxiety issues, so putting my head into a hole to hide...or enter a virtual world is easy like breathing. I been very fortunate that Jesus found me and saved me, I been healing from a lot of issues over the past 11+ years. I will be honest, escaping my porn addiction was way easier than breaking free from video games. With porn, I knew it was my enemy and what it was doing to me. Video games, it's like I am lulled to sleep and it is VERY hard to see it as my enemy. I attempted multiple times to quit. I made it 30 days, 90 days, and the last attempt was 9 months. I believe my main problem is I don't know what life to move forward into that take place of the current one I have. I believe this is my next challenge that I am preparing for. I am still a gamer right now on Lineage 2, and I am a clan leader. I am starting to see what my addiction is doing to me, and today is a baby step in the right direction. My goal is to back off gaming some, and take baby steps in finding a new life. As I find something worth fighting for, it will help me see my oldest enemy for what it is. 10/7/20 First steps today, pull out my guitar, tune it, and spend 10 minutes on it. Call my Mom and check in on her.
  5. Hey Hai, Fighting any addiction is a process, it takes time and seasons. Don't beat yourself up when you relapse, it is an opportunity to learn what tripped you up. My favorite quote for this
  6. This time around I made 9 months without gaming. I intentionally relapse because I found nothing really changed and I knew I was going thru the busy season. Mindless, it's all mindless unless I am not winning. Then it becomes an anger issue, having little temper tantrums that can spill into my work day if I don't catch it. I have a vision now of what I like to do instead of gaming, but at this point it's hard to not go the easy mindless direction of playing my games at night. I am gearing up for another detox, this time following that vision I didn't have before. Connected to an adult center as well this time to get out more.
  7. Hey Aggras, I am really sad to hear about the divorce. They can be emotionally painful and possibility bring out the worst in people. I am glad to hear about your daughter being your cheerleader! She sounds like a real joy of a daughter to have! If you find that you are getting deeper depressed, please seek help! I am a survivor of suicidal depression and depression in general. It can be a real monster and it has one purpose, to destroy a person's life. About getting rid of the computer, been there and done that. I struggled with a porn addiction and I had to take those types of measures. Know it is for your benefit and it won't be in vain. Recovery is one day at a time, and it is a process to heal. Some days you got it all together, others you want drown in whatever misery/vice you have. I will keep you in prayer my friend as you go thru your own recovery. Biblical studies are personal and also for a home group I teach. I am running off a lot of old memories of when I first read thru the scriptures, and it's time to reread and relearn. I am finding there are a lot of details I missed over the first time around. For the group I am focused on help making the Bible fun to explore and help people not feel intimidated by it. Right now I am planning for mid March to start my new journal and try to quit. I can't see myself being a gamer past 40, like I want to use the years I got left to more important things. That has been my current motivation. I will catch you later!
  8. Hey Aggras, Thanks for your reply! Good news! My wife and I been exploring a community adults center that is around the corner from us. Very cheap and lot to do there. We officially signed up today. They have a nice gym area and I been using the space for my biblical studies. Trying to incorporate slowing down and cook food rather than frozen stuff in the oven. That is very much a work in progress lol I been getting better with Spotify, so creating playlists for work outs and groove time. Right now I believe my biggest weak point is after work at night. Like that moment you just don't want to think anymore and do whatever (gaming or streaming a show). I don't know what I can replace it with that is healthy. I am pondering the idea of just sleep it off when I am that emotionally tired. Something I will be testing out in the coming weeks. Like I want to quit again, but this time I want a game plan.
  9. Hey gang, I tried three times to give up gaming. The longest being like 9-10 months, but I never really find a way forward. Last run I gave up gaming for streaming videos/movies constantly, and being real with myself. The gaming side of me was still there, nothing really changed. Holiday season was the busy season for work, so I intentionally relapse. Now that the busy season is over, I am gearing up to make another go at it. My biggest problem is I haven't found a healthy life style outside of gaming. All I did was mask it with streaming shows/movies. It worked out for a while since I was with my wife more, but overall I am still stuck as the same old James. My plan is to take some time and explore some options. And try to find out what else interests me that would be healthier. Hopefully by March I might have a direction to go that is better than what I did before.
  10. Days 216-223 I am coming to a realization. I might not have played a video game in all this time, but just under the surface I am still a gamer. Given the opportunity I would give in. Sometimes when I am extremely bored I watch others play, and it makes me feel better. I start wanting to tweak things and almost talking to the screen. On Youtube I been checking out things Halo lore and Extreme details. It blows my mind how insanely detail they describe things about the Halo universe...then it dawns on me. None of it is real, this guy is talking about something that doesn't exist other than fiction content like comics, books, or video games. It messes with me how deep I let my mind go into this fantasy world, and how fake it is. I am thinking I am failing at this stop playing video games thing because I never moved on. I never found another life and lived it. I am living in such a bubble, that I don't escape from my fake prison world. I don't know how to escape all this to be honest. I was even thinking about what life would be without the internet, like drop it for a number of months.
  11. Days 188-215 It seemed like nothing was changing from day to day, week to week. So I took a break from posting here. Multiple occasions I was very close to playing again. I still watch Halo playthrus from time to time. I got a new watch, a LetsFit watch. I been using it to monitor my sleep patterns. It feels like it helps me to monitor myself. Going to try to hit the gym after work. My body seriously needs to be worked. Currently working on getting to bed early so I can wake up early. So far the results of sleeping for 10-12 hours, but I am getting better results. Car problems are done. I got thru emissions finally and now we are just recovering from that financial burden. One day at a time I guess.
  12. Days 166-187 The transition has been difficult. For a minute it worked the way I planned, then my wife and fell back into our normal routines. This has been a very difficult month so far. Multiple times I was soooo close to falling back into video games. I ended up watching youtube walk thrus of the Halo games. I have no clue how I haven't started gaming again. Things are slowly getting better, taking it one day at a time. We are working to get back into the gym, we are both very overdue for it. I came to this website multiple times, but I couldn't find the strength to update my journal. Before my greatest desire was to become a computer technician. At this point I am just focusing on how to be a better administrator of our home. Like I have all these things I know needs getting done, yet I drag my butt and they don't get done. It is an uphill battle, but I gotta do it. Finding some encouraging music: Only You Can
  13. Days 160-165 This has been a good week. No problems with gaming. I hit the gym twice and I got a good sweat on. Slowly reading my bible, trying to get about a half to a chapter a day. This is a project long overdue. The last time did this was like 10 years ago. I am already benefiting from my reading. Normally I would be home asleep right now, but I am transitioning to my new work schedule this week. I am holding on for dear life and see how I come out on the other side lol
  14. Days 153-159 It was a rough week. I was a big mess come Sunday, and I just focused on putting myself back together. I had a good weekend just sorting myself out. My wife and I got to spend some good quality time in, we have gone to the library, I learned how to set up my applications on Fedora, and we hit the gym hard. I really pushed myself at the gym, sore all over. ? I am just taking it easy and enjoy my workday. I am trying to take a break from streaming movies and do more reading. Like a breath of fresh air compared to the last few weeks. The hard part is to stay this way and maintain it thru out this week.
  15. Hey Stivmorrison, Playing WoW classic is a personal decision you can make. I get the good memories with the game. Just ask yourself one question before you do. Do you want to undo the hard work you put into getting up to 5 months without games? Will this game benefit you at all other than going down memory lane? I wish you the best with what you choose my friend. ?
  16. Days 146-152 Frustration, lots of frustration. Quitting gaming doesn't mean your life is fixed. It is just a stepping stone, or in my situation, it removes the veil to reveal the problems that I been ignoring all my life. Those problems don't get solved right away, they take time, they take seasons. Like I long to be a part of something, but we are stuck in this rut. My frustrations at times make me want to find something virtual to be a part of. It tries to wear me down into asking why am I holding out. I have to walk away from my computer. Seasons are changing. The call center I work for has gone thru shift bids last week. My wife and I talked about it, and she came up with a good idea. We are going back to Friday/Saturdays off. We are going to check out churches running Saturday night. There is no way we can screw that up lol My shifts start later, so I am preparing for war. Bed by 1pm and get up by 10am. Enjoy my mornings with my wife before work instead of feeling ripped out of bed in the mornings. I feel like I am trying to undo the damage from the past 7-8 years. We picked up bad habits/lifestyles and they have to become undone. I remember a wise lady years ago who got fed up with people coming to her with the same problems year after year. It was funny, but it was really true. "Mature! Mature! Mature!". I feel like I am just as guilty as the people she was saying it to. "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." -1 Corinthians 13:11 ESV
  17. Days 139-145 Kinda a scary week. Dealing with some issues at home. At one point I even questioned what was the point of giving up games. Really I been struggling with a lot of frustration with the limits with life. I have a shift bid coming up as well, which will dictate my next 6 months on how my schedule will look like. What I want is totally not available at all. I let a lot of my stuff go and I am gearing up to let go of more stuff. I feel like I am trying a social experiment. Who would I become if my gear wasn't available? My computers were not available what would I do with myself? My life situation SCREAMS change is needed, so I am trying to remove the distractions. I want to give up mindless watching TV or surfing the internet for going to the gym or improving my home condition. I am mindful in the morning and mindless at night. I need to find a way to be productive in both time frames.
  18. Days 132-138 No gaming this week. A few moments in a waking dream where I thought gaming was normal, then I become aware of it and shut it down. Car problems got worse and I had to take a day off to resolve it. Heating assembly hose was the problem. The car cooling system doesn't like badly anymore which is a huge pressure off my back. I made progress in getting some furniture that is not ours ready to head out of the house. Bought a cheap desk to put a smaller work station together. To give me an alternative to the home theater setup we got. I did some research and experimenting with Linux again. I wanted to set up a server box and my laptop. Question of Ubuntu server vs Centos server. Opted for Centos, but I want to keep all my systems unified with the platform I plan to use. I switched my Kubuntu to Fedora 30 with KDE Plasma. What really won me over is Ubuntu could not solve the Broadcom issue with using the built-in WiFi adapter in my laptop. Fedora solved it on the first trial. I am going to run this for a few weeks and see if it will work for me or not. If it works right I will upgrade all my computers with Fedora.
  19. Days 127-131 Not much has changed. Did some house work and rearranged our living room again. I am sacrificing my desk to give more room for the cats and my wife to do her work outs. A long time back we put our money together to get a Nintendo Wii from a pawn shop as a family event. Naturally it didn't work out. My wife wants to get her hands on it and try again to play games that require activity. I was stunned when she suggested it and I was "that is not a bad idea". Then it popped into my head...I can't do that. I can't play video games anymore. I will undo all my hard work. We discussed it and I compromised. She can only use it when I am not at home. I am wondering if I am leaving a time bomb in my living room.
  20. Days 121-126 Seems like gaming is a thing of the past. I get nostalgia every so often, but everything has changed. Like over the 90 day detox has been a shift of how our household works. My wife and I no longer at different computer screens. We are on the couch together pretty much every night. Almost hard to believe I gamed all my life. I don't know if I am on the outside looking in or something. Our new situation has it's challenges, but not the ones I started here with. At the same time I don't want to drop my guard too much. All it takes a moment of feeling comfortable and I can fall back into the black hole. As for our new challenge we are learning to balance what we watch. To cut off before I get no time to sleep. Unfortunately I can't just quit streaming videos anytime soon. Or at least to I change occupation. I found Google has made a tech support certification program that I can take which is more affordable. Hopefully it can help me get back into computer field. One step at a time, one day at a time.
  21. Days 115-120 We splurged and I finally got a replacement power supply for my main computer. I installed it and got it working. My PC went down before I quit gaming and sure enough steam was installed. Also my other failed attempts to play Windows games on Linux. Thankfully my guard was up, I wanted to wipe the system clean and start fresh. Testing out Majaro KDE Plasma with it. Trying to see if there is any real benefit to switch over verse keeping Kubuntu. I did break away from the TV shows for a few days. Working on a few things around the house. Ending up watching a few episodes last night. It is amazing how my mind gets consumed by the TV show. Even my dreams mess with me. I plan to break away tonight and keep it simple tonight.
  22. Days 107-114 No gaming problems I haven't been posting since I been stuck in a cycle. Fell hook line and sinker for The Walking Dead from AMC and I just started up Stranger Things 2. lol Putting together a play list of angry music. I been itching to hit the gym. Execution has always been the hard part. Not much else going on except getting the car in the shop on Monday.
  23. Days 104-106 No problems with gaming. I am just realizing removing video games was only like removing on layer of distractions. During the time of my detox we got our hands on a 46' flat screen TV and we hooked up my computer to it. We kinda made a home theater setup. We are away from our computers and we watch stuff together. Yet a part of me things I traded one addiction for another. Sizing up the thought of taking on video streaming, but it's difficult to do when you work for a streaming service. I am wondering if I should do some job searching. Other thing holding me back is this job is best job I had in a while. Finding full time jobs in Arizona is very hard if you don't have a 4 year degree. I tried to learn some things about being social, but my heart is not in it. I know I need to learn how to socialize, but I lived a very selfish life style for so long. I have deprogram myself out of it and changing habits is not easy. I don't mean to be a sour puss. I just know it's not easy to change.
  24. Welcome to the community! I feel your pain on that. Gaming detox was like step 1, then other challenges come after. You got this!
  25. Thanks Fawn! Yeah learning that my brain chemistry was against me gave me fire to fight and this journal help keep me straight. To answer your question. If I could sum it up, I feel like a useless tool. Like I feel alive when I am a part of something that helps other people and makes a difference. I have very strong compassion, like I feel people hurting and I have to do something to stop the pain. Other side of that coin is that I can have hero complex at times. Which I had to learn the hard way I can't do that anymore. So I am trying to learn how to maintain my own household. I can get it done, but I am no master of keeping things in order. I can envision having things where they need to be, but with my ADD mind that is not happening. I am thinking I need to improve my social skills. How can I help people if I don't get to know them. I think I relied heavily on Church institutions to give me access to people who need help. This is going to suck. I rather quit gaming all over again than train myself to be more social >_< Keeping up with people is hard.
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