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James S.

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  1. Days 107-114 No gaming problems I haven't been posting since I been stuck in a cycle. Fell hook line and sinker for The Walking Dead from AMC and I just started up Stranger Things 2. lol Putting together a play list of angry music. I been itching to hit the gym. Execution has always been the hard part. Not much else going on except getting the car in the shop on Monday.
  2. Days 104-106 No problems with gaming. I am just realizing removing video games was only like removing on layer of distractions. During the time of my detox we got our hands on a 46' flat screen TV and we hooked up my computer to it. We kinda made a home theater setup. We are away from our computers and we watch stuff together. Yet a part of me things I traded one addiction for another. Sizing up the thought of taking on video streaming, but it's difficult to do when you work for a streaming service. I am wondering if I should do some job searching. Other thing holding me back is this job is best job I had in a while. Finding full time jobs in Arizona is very hard if you don't have a 4 year degree. I tried to learn some things about being social, but my heart is not in it. I know I need to learn how to socialize, but I lived a very selfish life style for so long. I have deprogram myself out of it and changing habits is not easy. I don't mean to be a sour puss. I just know it's not easy to change.
  3. Welcome to the community! I feel your pain on that. Gaming detox was like step 1, then other challenges come after. You got this!
  4. Thanks Fawn! Yeah learning that my brain chemistry was against me gave me fire to fight and this journal help keep me straight. To answer your question. If I could sum it up, I feel like a useless tool. Like I feel alive when I am a part of something that helps other people and makes a difference. I have very strong compassion, like I feel people hurting and I have to do something to stop the pain. Other side of that coin is that I can have hero complex at times. Which I had to learn the hard way I can't do that anymore. So I am trying to learn how to maintain my own household. I can get it done, but I am no master of keeping things in order. I can envision having things where they need to be, but with my ADD mind that is not happening. I am thinking I need to improve my social skills. How can I help people if I don't get to know them. I think I relied heavily on Church institutions to give me access to people who need help. This is going to suck. I rather quit gaming all over again than train myself to be more social >_< Keeping up with people is hard.
  5. Welcome! You got a great vision for what your life can be. Now is the time to take baby steps and begin to learn how to let gaming go. I definitely recommend the journal, it helped me keep myself straight on my journey. Just know bro it is going to be a process, so go easy on yourself!
  6. Days 99-103 Not much trouble over this weekend. I have to be careful with sci-fi movies I noticed last night. Watching StarTroopers and it was kicking up the Halo feelings. Spaceships brings feelings of wanting to fly my own. Trying to anchor myself in reality. Like I get bored with real life and I play in the alternative universes. I can ponder possibilities of how things can play out. Today's challenge is to learn how not to be bored with real life. I had a great visit with my parents over the weekend. We went out to eat and fellowship for a good amount of time. They are not used to summer in the valley. Listening a new song from Jeremy Camp. It has been hitting me hard. The video takes place in the desert. Lately our lives have been boxed in, fellowship with other Christians is hard to come by. Years ago I was a major part of our church and today I am a part of nothing. I been hurt by the machine we call Church. My parents and wife were saying I need to let the past stay there. I discern that this is a transition season, but it is not where I want to be. Maybe the problem is me. Working on my Samsung Galaxy S6 trying to see if I can improve it. Looks like Verizon were jerks and locked down the phone completely. So I can't troubleshoot the problem they never solved with the latest android update they left it at. Working on getting the last version of Android 6.0.1 and just stick with that. If I can get 1 a year out of the phones. It will buy time to get something better. Samsung Smart Switch app is nice piece of software. Shame I can't use it on Linux.
  7. Days 97-98 Just another day in the game of life. Working, family members calling in favors after work >_< I am wanting to hit the gym, but I am getting some kind of muscle spasms on my side. I am not sure why, but I am waiting them out before starting up. No urges so far.
  8. Days 93-96 It's been a touch couple of weeks. I got sick again and it am not even fully sure it is gone. Couple of times in my low points I question why I am quitting games. Thankfully the thoughts didn't turn into action. My work place there is a cart with different home entertainment devices we support, and sometimes they play mortal combat while waiting for calls. It really sucks if they are my line of sight. I have to block it with my computer screens. Always that draw, like a magnetic pull to the controller. I had a good weekend. We got some work done. I finally got that laptop out, that I failed to repair. It is in some working order, yet fragile. Car troubles are brewing. Chevy doesn't want me to get access to my transmission. Thankfully I found how it works to check the fluid levels. I am most likely going to get a flush done. How knows how old that fluid is and how much is left in the system. I am so looking forward to going up to my parents next month. I am seriously over due to get out of the valley. I hope one day I can move up there. I know it isn't going to be easy since most of my wife's family is in the valley.
  9. Days 85-92 I been sick for the last couple of days. I still don't have my head on straight, it's hard to think straight. I will fill in the details later
  10. I will check into Jordan Peterson, see if he teaches anything interesting. You are on the right track with your thinking, but it is missing a few things. Law was given to help reveal that there is a problem with the human race. At the same time, the law doesn't save you, but it just let you know something evil is brewing in the heart. "What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” -Romans 7:7 ESV "being responsible and sacrificing present for the future and thus having a good life" An all powerful eternal God who lives outside of our universe, yet the universe and everything in it is sustained by this God to exist. He would be the owner of our known world and universe. It would be his Kingdom, his property, like a country using power to project sovereignty, He is sovereign over all he owns. As Mom would say "as long as you are under my roof, you live by my rules". Humanity is a broken and fallen creation so we can't keep the rules even if we want to. At some point this eternal God, being a just judge will bring all evil into judgement, and that is what we want to be spared from. Not just a prison sentence that we lose a few years. We have an eternal spirit that will be punished for that time frame, eternity. Scriptures call it the second death. Thankfully the owner and lord of the world we live in prepared a way to help spare some of us from this coming judgement, the coming second death. He manifest and sent his son into the world to fulfill what the human race has been unable to fulfill. His son died as a substitute for those who would believe. To take our death penalty on himself, and gives us reconciliation with the eternal God who owns this world and it's future. Live out the rest of your life in communion and being loved by God. Those who believe become adopted sons or daughters into his eternal family. I hope that gives clarity of the Christian view of things.
  11. Day 84 Oh snap, I am 6 days from 90 😄 I plan to reward myself with Game Quitters hoodie to represent at work. They freeze us to death here, so it work out great 😃 Work was a little tough. baby's sister needed us to stop by and pick up a few things. We had a good time with her sister and new guy. They made a great Italian dinner, it was a pleasant surprise. We need to do that more. I am thinking the season I am in must be transitional. Nothing is fully grounded at this time, things are coming and going. Instead of being upset that we haven't ground ourselves at the new church and all, I am just going to embrace that it is coming. Like a part of me is expecting things to fall into place, and I become a cog into a big machine again. Yet that is not what is playing out. Like the life we used to have is over, and I can't seem to figure out how things play out right now. It all seems to be just day by day, whatever challenge comes up this week. What hoop do I have to jump thru today.
  12. Hello Ikar, I welcome your questions and I hope thru them it can help you in any complicity. A disclaimer before I answer your questions and comment. Everything I share is from a Christian world view. I won't try to evangelize or force my beliefs on you. You will see things from my perspective is all. Did she know about your addiction before and were you in a state of a self-diagnosed addict or were you in denial? She didn't know my addiction to video games due it not being a topic at the time. It was a long distance relationship between Connecticut and Arizona. At the time I knew I had a problem with gaming, but I didn't know how to label it. My gaming addiction was low on the totem pole at that time. Were you married by that point? I moved to Arizona and we started from scratch. It took a number of months for me to put her old laptop together. Eventually I got my own computer and I started to game again. We married before I started to game again. Was it the sole marital vow that kept you together in the toughest times, because it's the vow that cannot be broken and there's no other way out than to solve the problem? The glue that kept us together was God and love. We both came into the agreement that I was her God chosen husband and she is my God chosen wife. We are total opposites. she is a fireball and I am ice. She would get set on fire with a problem, I had to walk away and pray. She cool down and we work it out. After the forgiveness we would come back stronger from the ordeal. I had my emotional problems, a child that never became a man and she was an abused girlfriend of other men. She seen the absolute worse in me and I have her. She is my best friend and I can't image life without her. I had no self confidence in myself but she seen the gold in me. I found she was humble, which to me is worth it's weight in gold. God been the one to melt our cold hearts when thing gone south. "I'm also asking because I had this "narcissistic savior syndrome" at least partly in my mind when I started dating my ex. I was sure I could "help" her "cure" her depression and that this would create an unbreakable bond between us. It was a reasonable assumption, but I forgot about the fact I am probably no better off than she was, as all I did with my free time was gaming/Twitch and I gamed even more after I quit my job, quite early into the relationship. She left me eventually, throwing me into chaos and eventually allowing me to reform myself into a way more self-conscious and responsible person that I am now." I feel you on that. I had a hero's complex where I wanted to save everyone else but myself. I thought I could help my wife overcome her emotional problems and depression using the lessons I learned from God working on me. After my wife got hurt from betrayal of certain family members, her thyroid gave her serious trouble, ongoing battle with depression, and I over reaching to help others. My actions put my wife into the hospital for a suicide attempt. I had to learn the hard way to stop trying to save my neighbors and stay focus on my home. To get my wife the help she needs instead of thinking I could fix her. I paid my dues for being a fool. Sounds like you did too. Just learn from your mistakes and let them help you grow stronger. For some people loving themselves is very difficult to do.
  13. Day 83 Good day at work. I thought I was running behind, but I got there 15 minutes early. Kinda nice to take my time, get my coffee/water together. I am on chats this week, and I was able to create a home budget template using spreadsheets app. Planning our finances and such. Night time I just wanted to help my wife feel comfortable, but it comes at a cost of mounting housework. Like we clean off the breakfast bar, and less than a week later it is covered in stuff. I think I am becoming like my Mom, always trying to keep up with housework lol Scary thing is we don't have kids yet. Playing around with an idea or a mind set. I have an addictive personality. I fought and still fighting two major addictions. I am starting to think to use my mind set to fight addiction to fighting failure in my life. Even with video games removed from the picture, other things have easily tried to fill in the place of it. I am not at where I want to be.
  14. Hello fawn_xoxo, I have a cousin named Fawn. Every time I notice your daily journal I think of her. =) That is a very good question. It bothers me a lot to see her in this condition. She has a lot of potential and time on her hands. Instead of using that time to better herself, she stuck in the quick sand. My expectations are low to medium for her due to health problems, but it hurts me to see her like that. YET other side of the coin when I became married the roles were roles were reversed. She was highly active and capable, and I was the damaged goods. Between her health and emotional problems that came later and my bad habits that kept manifesting. I paved the way for to become how she is today. She switched from "Gaming is causing problems", to "you can't beat them, join them" mentality. My mind set is if I lead the way to get her in the current condition. Then I will have to lead the way out of it and set the example.
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