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James S.

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  1. Days 63-65 I been damaged goods this week. I didn't play video games, but I buried my head into TV series I been watching. I am thinking I need to hang up streaming TV shows which is ironic since I work for a streaming service. Unstable should be my middle name. Something doesn't go right or the way I intended it. Instead of brushing off the dust and moving on. I self loath, then it takes days to figure out I am broken. Like walking on thin ice each day, when I fall thru the lights inside flick off. Everyone has a burden to bare, this is mine. At least now I know.
  2. Day 62 Start of a new work week. It was pretty easy going. When I got home it was a different story, I was craving to default to games for some reason. My wife playing her games doesn't help matters. Thankfully I crashed on the couch instead and nodded off some. Ironic thing was it was our 11 year anniversary but we were both too beat up to do anything. I plan on making it up when we feel better. I wanted to plug some time into a few projects but my lower back was hurting too much. I am not sure the way I am sitting is triggering it. Ended up watching a few episodes of the Strain.
  3. Days 58-61 This week has been very weird. Between sinus infection to back pain to going to church for first time in long time. I had a few moments thinking about Halo or other games, but no action behind them. Like I am so busy trying to get things done or sorted out, only time I have is watching Hulu or farting around on discord. I am realizing I have some skills in sketching. I taking lessons on youtube to develop them a bit. Not much else happened. Back to the grind tomorrow in full steam. See how we do.
  4. Day 57 Work was a little tough due to still having problems with coughing and an irritated throat. We had a little crisis during the day. My wife noticed our other skittish cat was taking swings at our first cat. She wanted to get the other two out of the house right away. Did some research and I found why our two new arrivals are trying to attack our first cat. Issue with cat pheromones. My big idea of changing potties caused the cats to think there was rival in their territories. They wanted to fight it out. We went out, bought a new bin to make into a potty and did a lot of cleaning. It was a tough project between my wife and I. We are both paying for it today. Hopefully it should make things safer and reduce tensions. I found there is such a thing as feline pheromones that can help calm the cats down. First chance we get we are going buy diffusers for the apartment. As I was trying to pass out I had a nostalgia moment with another Chrono Trigger song in my head. I was too beat up to worry about it. Next I know I am out.
  5. Days 55-56 I been sick the last two days, nothing serious. Enough to stay home from work for 😄 Tuesday more or less just a kick back day. Honestly too much of it was watching a TV show The Gifted. Trying to finish season 2. I did get some household stuff done but nothing major. Wednesday I didn't want to repeat history and I really applied Right Now Counts Forever. Went out for breakfast with my wife and mother in law. Good food and fellowship. Sold my Mother in law in going up north with us, only condition she wants to get a motel room of her own. She has serious anxieties with the freeway, so we have to find a way to distract her until we get out of the valley. I took advantage of my free time to knock out some stuff for my mother in law. She lost her long standing employment and she needs help getting work and supplies. I knocked out a lot of stuff to help out. Only major project left is her business logo. I tried to work on it, but pinta program kept crashing with my linux system. I am not sure if unstable due to plasma desktop. Installed Mate desktop to see if it work better. I ran out of time though. I made some strides in my bible studies. My problem was I got lost in the knowledge and concepts of Reformed faith, but I never fully applied them in my life. AKA a hypocrite. This time I am taking it slow, and apply what I learn bit by bit. I want to honor my teacher and the reformers by getting truly what they are teaching and living it out.
  6. Day 54 I got a few household things done. I let my client know the repair was a bust, parts are way too expensive. She understood and waiting to save up for a new laptop. I am thinking of trying one more time, but I want to wait till I get a tool or two first. I got two media projects to work on, but I was emotionally drained for some reason. I passed out twice with my big boy Raynon right beside me. Pretty much a mindless evening, watching some streaming content. We had to do the switch, moving our cats around so be better environments for them. To our surprise the hardest part was our original cat. She still emotionally scarred from the assault from last weekend. I had to use compressed air to scare her in the back of the apartment. Cats are doing fine now. We will keep it this way. I had to work like an ox to make sure everything was set up for the cats. Lower back pain after cleaning both potties. I really want to get back on the horse with my Christian studies this week. My current struggle is unlearning my secular mindset. I was grown up during the time where the concept of life without eternity, life divorced from eternity. I didn't come to Christ for the concern of my eternal soul. I came to Jesus, because I was a broken man who needed rescuing. My goal is to make my creed "Right now counts forever" and truly believe it. Other issue that I am working on is I grew up like many with the whole "Jesus loves me" message. That message is not the true gospel, it is a liberal version of it. Jesus does love those he saves, but he is also the Lion of Judah. Gospel is about God saving sinners from...God. I still struggle with that, with knowing the wrath and anger of a holy God. I don't know where this journey going to take me.
  7. Days 51-53 Well I did the repair on the laptop and it turned out to be a bust. I didn't know epoxy expands and I couldn't seal the laptop case because of it. My confidence took a huge blow. I got that old panic feeling going on that I have a responsibility that I can't get rid of. Client expecting her device back soon. I could feel the old mind set that I shouldn't do computer work, I screwed it up. I got myself in trouble. I been hearing Chrono Trigger music in my head, kinda hearing it now as I type this. Like it sounds beautiful, but I am afraid it may influence me. Well I had a rough start to Mother's day. I am getting a little sick. Thankfully I was able to spend time with my Mother in law. That went great. I can't make the repair work. I tried and it didn't work. Sometimes I just need to put it all down, and step back. Keep from panicking. I am didn't want to do it, but I am going to price out palm rests and let my client know we are going to plan B. Replace the broken palmrest. I showed my Mother in law some of content I found from the 1950s of what I plan to do for the her business logo. I gotta check out the family videos and get the flavor of the content to work on that project as well. My wife was out of the house most of the week. Our apartment is a mess again lol I am freed up tomorrow, so I plan to tackle it. Hopefully I won't have to go to Urgent care for my throat. Since it is my money maker.
  8. I love you and I know you are saying. I really do appreciate it. I really meant what I said. There is a lot of back story to get where I am at today. My awareness of my problems with gaming started about 13 years ago. I was very broken, struggling with depression and a slave to a porn addiction. I hated everything about who I was. Events took place that broke me from my computer and start seeking for help. Too many testimonies, I am giving you a really really short version. After I came to the saving knowledge of Jesus, my conversion was dramatic. I woke up to the emotional barbell was taken off me and I had eyes that could not lust. Like the world change but it didn't. As time went by, my problems slowly returned. I tried to be strong on my own more and more. I finally broke down in frustration couple months later and said "screw you" to God in my anger. After the anger was gone, I couldn't deny what had happened. Free from porn for 2 and half months was unheard for me. I had to make a decision, to dismiss what happened and say screw it. Or realize I got a taste of what I could have. I asked forgiveness and been walking with God since. I was a scared little boy trying to learn how to become a man. I CLUNG to God every step of the way. First time in my life I had someone to go to with my problems. Like a light switch, night and day from before I was saved to after. When my depression would hit hard, Lord would speak to my like an encouraging father telling me it was OK. I was so frustrated with myself all I could think about was suicide, in my head like the Lord took the concept of what he made me to be, pull it out of the trash and said I didn't understand what he created. Over time I found myself compelled to encourage others who were going thru pain too. What lead me to my wife. Too many testimonies to give there. Life has been a roller coaster ride living off grace. Between my marriage and gaming addiction. To my wife having her health problems and the challenges that came with it. Almost evicted a number of times. Too many testimonies than I can give. I can't take credit. I needed help every step of the way. If I didn't get it, I wouldn't be on this forum right now typing this. "Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written." -John 21:25 ESV Know I am not trying to convert you, just I want you to understand why I said what I said.
  9. Day 50 Hard to believe I am 50 days game free. I didn't think it was possible. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thankful to the Lord God Almighty for getting me to this point and to Gamequitters for helping me put the final nails on the coffin to this addiction. I know I still have a long way to go, but out of the mess I am starting to make a life for myself. The end =P
  10. When did you realize you had a problem with gaming? About 13-14 years ago I believe is about the time I started to realize what quick sand gaming was. Everyone has a story. short version I didn't have a support system in place. I learned quitting things was the only way to get by. I did just enough to get by, never really thrived. I was getting sick of the way things were and I was seeking answers. During work I was inspired to seek out help. Yet when I was off work, every free hour I had went to World of Warcraft. I wanted to seek answers, but I noticed I couldn't break away from the games. I became aware of how powerless I was to the gaming. If I was going to get the help I needed, I was going to have to toss the computer out from my home. It was that simple. Which by God's grace I did.
  11. Days 48-49 Last two days been unstable, think I got hit with boredom. I streamed some animations that could remind me of Halo. Small reminders of the rush of Halo 2 the defense of the battle stations. I get rev'ed up easily when thinking about Alien scum trying to attack Earth. I am weird like that. Thankfully they weren't powerful enough to mess with me, more like remembering a memory for a moment. I didn't ponder on it. Goofed up my sleep cycle, but thankfully last night I got back on track. Like I took 1 and half mindless days off, and today I am ready to work. I pitched the repair option to my client. Too cute she is emotional about her laptop, but she gave me the green light. I will be picking up the supplies tonight. Hold off on the media project until this weekend, that way I can take my time digesting the content. I like to have mock ups ready to go before the middle of next week. Side project I need to help design a logo for my Mother in laws business logo. I got a great idea in my head, but I need to find a way to get it out of my head. I like to get the laptop repair out of the way first, then work on the content jobs. See how I hold up.
  12. Day 47 A good day overall. No cravings. I just wanted to use the morning to make up for Sunday morning. Found out that there are Christian Discord channels, so I joined a few of them. It was a little odd filling out interview questions, but hey I am sure they get enough trolls. I had a discussion with an Atheist, and I didn't hold it against them. He was pretty sincere asking questions about God and Hell. I was straight with him and gave him some of my testimony. Hopefully it would help him with his internal questions. I landed two jobs. Tech job, damage laptop. Disassembled it and found 2 of the 3 mounts for the hinge to the monitor are damaged. Did some research on how to resolve it. I got an idea, but I need to do more research before I pitch it to the owner of the laptop. Also landed a media creation job, taking family videos and making them watchable on DVR to share with the family. I haven't dabbled with this stuff for a long while. I am excited about the challenge, but I have to make sure I have the right tools for the job. I had experiences with creating media content or presentations as a projector operator during the days with my home church. Typically I gotta get the flavor of the videos, maybe find some funny shots. Use them as a back drop to the menu page, then find kinda like family polaroid-ish to launch each video. Or maybe, let them play from beginning to end. Depends on how they want it. Once I secure the tools I will make mock ups and present them to my client. See which one they like the most and make it happen. Back to work today. Good times lol
  13. Days 45-46 Saturday was a little tough. I had to juggle some things around to resolve the rent and get to work on time. I was blessed with Thanksgiving dinner, but I was so beat up to really fellowship. Church didn't happen either. Today has been an emotional roller coaster. I woke up thinking I want to spend the morning getting right with God. I get a cat mess instead. As I working out the mess, the male cat jumps our original female one. I tackled the male while the female escaped into the living room. Second female is still in the living room. THEN we made arrangements to drive my Mother in law to see her sister in Christ in the hospital. We had to risk leaving two cats in the same room for a couple of hours, one of the cats is not liking it. We mitigated the problem as best we could. We got back and everything was OK. Eventually we had to coax the other female cat to the back of our apartment for her own safety. The male cat is too dangerous to keep in the house. We will have to let him go, the two are at such odds. Now we have to talk to shelters. Male cat is lovable and he is comfortable with humans, but he is a bully to other cats. We were trying to discipline him when he tried ramming the others. Household is back under control, just the whole situation breaks my heart. Seeing how the fight effected our first cat, and how we have to manage the other female. My wife and I are such noobs at this whole thing, we seriously need help. Listening to music, just expressing myself here. In the back of my head I see games popping up. Trying to not let it get to me. Thankfully we are freed up tomorrow, so I can focus on our household. Maybe this time I start things right and try again to get right with God. Just like we had to shepherd our cats, I know the Lord has to shepherd me.
  14. Day 44 Good day overall. No cravings, just a lot of down time. Everything worked out with paying the rent, so no real financial woes. Well the Solus linux is a bust. I wanted to test it out for a month and see how it worked. Plasma iso was in testing, sure enough it was unstable. I was driving myself nuts trying to create Kubuntu usb installer. The app I used before kept crashing. I had to go old school command line with DD function. It took two tries but it worked. Both of my machines are Kubuntu again. Looks like I have more DVD authoring tools available with Kubuntu anyways. I got a small job coming up this weekend create a DVD of family videos. I have to run tests tonight to see how reliable these apps are. I almost forgot, a few days ago. I recorded some playing around on my acoustic guitar. Quality of the recording was horrible, but it was exciting to hear my work.
  15. I really respect what you are doing and I can only begin to imagine the war that raging within you. Your handle says it all. Fighting for life. "I have three kids, and I sit on my ass...drinking and gaming." Speaks volumes to me. Let them become your motivation to fight. Get pictures and put them around your neck. I am and others here will be praying for you. If you can, I highly recommend getting into counselling. The drinking, gaming, drugs, they are all coping mechanisms to hide from the pain or anger built up inside. Find someone you can trust to talk about it with. If you don't face your pain, the gripe or need for coping won't go down. Toss all that nonsense away that men can't talk about how they feel, it leaves you bottled up like poison in your soul. A man's spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? Proverbs 18:14 ESV
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