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Zeke Journel Round 2

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Day 1 of NO Tap detox 

I came up with name for this detox cause I like having names to detox I do and helps keep me organized as well. The reason I called it that is because were always tapping our phones for something and just stuck. Plus I m keeping me quote "Do you want to live life on pause or do you want to press play on life." This quote has stuck with me and it something I can hang on to.

So far so good, I read a little news and trying to do some reviews of some channels to help them out. Plus I m trying to transfer files to my new pc as well so I can complete projects and I walked around shopping area today as well bought ingredients to make new recipes so I m excited about that.

That it for today have wonderful day.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Bible

3.Church

4.Family

5.food

6.water

7.House

8.Job

9.Car

10.communites I m apart of 

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Days 2-8 NO Tap detox Week 1

 

So how have things gone so far very well and glad I m doing this detox? 

Now here a couple of things I have accomplished this week is I got 4 videos done with my youtube ready and 2 of them are up as well did some human Japanese language learning, plus I went to singles groups and met someone I may help them find a place around here to have a place for disabled people. That another dream coming true, plus I will be attending escape the room on Feb. 23.

I also started listening to a the faith-based audio series on Sunday Feb. 3 every night and have plenty of audio to last for the 180 days. You know something that I m at peace like a calmness to me different from my last detox, it's more like my old real self. The best way I can describe it is like having the color return to your eyes with even more depth like when I m was a child when I use to play outside and play games like tag, or power wheels. I m glad of it but today I noticed something, so I wanted to keep this channel called glove and boots cause their hilarious puppets and I subscribed because it did not work with the detox since I missed the first round. I did not want to miss the second round but as soon as subscribed I noticed this aggression in my body and the first thought came to mind is video game. As strange as that is so I unsubscribed again and yet I have a peace and calmness about me now.  Plus I m listening to some faith-based music right now as we speak. 

Now I have not got have reading down yet but I will hopefully have that down this week. Plus in the detox, I do allow email and analytics of youtube spread out so I can answer comments quickly but outside of that I did not much other than the optimized one my videos. 

You may be wondering if I have used my new pc, yes but right now I want to figure how to transfer my software to the new pc then I can use it better, as of now I m using my old pc and I want the first video I make on the new pc to be faith-based so that why I m trying to finish these videos once that done and everything transferred then I can I start working on the new pc. 

Plus it answers another dream is to have a home theater so this pc I have will be hooked to my TV and I will be able to use it as 5.1 surrounds sound something I always wanted to to do just need shelves for that. 

The second thing I think I should mention is this will be by week by week basis and you may ask why this because of its so much easier on me because I don't get rush of the notification here as much and makes a focus on where I want to go. So I will allow myself this weekend to all social media including here but during the week will not. 

That it's it for today 

Grateful:

1.God

2.Bible

3.Church

4.family

5.House

6.Car

7.Job

8.Food

9.Water

10. Communities I m apart of.

 

Edited by zeke365

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Top Tap detox days 9-17 minus 4 =12

So this week has not been as successful as like it to be and I did not accomplish much may be due to weather but it seemed like my old habits resurfaced again this week. You may be wondering why I have minus 4 to the days well that because I m taking 4 days that were not successful this week off since I did not accomplish what I wanted to. 

I think when we mess up we constantly blame ourselves for messing up and then puts us in more shame and makes us relapse or we start over so many times because we feel we need to restart. It's not that we need to restart each and everytime, what we should be looking at what went wrong and how can we learn from it? Instead of saying "I messed up better start at day one again." Now if you have to do it do it but I just do it bit different.

Reflection time: To help explain this I will say this, I m fighting 4 addictions, not just one addiction.  Think of this way a wheel

                             Internet

           Anime                          Gaming                     So what happened here is I have always relied on one for the other so if I fasted one, I replaced with the other never ending the cycle.

                               Porn

This wheel helps explain it a little better so you see when I took gaming away I replaced with anime so I never really changed only the content I consumed changed. So gaming addiction I freed myself from that and now I m dealing with anime addiction which seems to be much harder addiction that first I did not think I had but then realized I did. Anime and animation more on the anime side then animation but I think they're both improtant. 

So Anime and animation and gaming is taken out what there left porn and internet so when I fast I seem to try to find a replacement like it but that not what its about here (no this not about moderation in gaming) but what means it should be balanced between the activities we do never going overboard with an addiction but still have enough variety to satisfy your needs. 

There are times I almost do not want internet at all and be in rehab away from tech for awhile just so I could see life with a new lens.

There one person I have never forgiven and it shocked me that I have never forgiven this person but have as others to forgive this person and the person I need to forgive the most is myself, yes you need to learn to forgive yourself for the wrongs you did and be healed from that and that is not easy.

So I m thinking of buying a new journal that would do just that forgiving myself that won't be shared here but for my sake.

Plus I noticed something odd there no support for anime addiction which kinda shocked me but if you know me to let me know.

The good news is I will finally get everything transferred to the new Pc while finish one more review on my old pc of anime and then I start using the new Pc more often which I m really excited about.

Plus I created a new rule called Tutorial sundays this means on Sundays while I m allowed youtube I can learn some tutorials about my animation software, PowerDirector, audacity, etc. to help improve my content on youtube.

The second thing I m not why it works this way but does is I have my phone play faith-based music as I worked on a project but if I did directly through the Pc I would not pay attention to it but neat trick yes I could stop and stuff but the phone seems harder to stop than say inside the pc. So that neat little trick

I will still have rest days like Friday and Saturday and I did subscribe to a youtube channel and the reason is I got so involved with it that I need to support them and commenting on their videos and stuff. The youtube channel is called Glove and boots, plus they make they make me laugh so hard and sometimes we just need a good laugh once in awhile. 

I hope this does not break my animation fast or anything oh, by the way, I did see Lego movie 2 and really liked it I m still planning on getting to see few more movie this year but that about it.

That it for today have a wonderful day

Grateful:

1.God

2.Family

3.Church

4.Bible

5.Life

6.Food

7.water

8.job

9.Car

10.communites I m part of

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Week 3 18-22 minus 2 20 days

I m doing much better this week and first time I in my life I forgave myself of the sins I have done, you know it has helped me trumendsely, I don't feel the addiction as strong but I still know it there so each time I hear a temptation to do one thing I say "I m forgiven" or "I have forgiven in Christ" or "My sins have been washed away." This approach really does help and maybe I can finally attack all 4 addictions at once. It still amazed me how each one is connected to each. 

Refection time: So when I quit gaming according to the chart I cut off a leg of that addiction which leads me to be unstable for awhile like trying to find your balance on log without falling over, then anime became my balance in other words I replaced gaming with anime but thing is anime and gaming are both related in some sense, therefore, I never gave up anything, now I give up anime my body only know the internet and porn which it wants because there nothing else holding balenace. It's quite fascinating to me at how everything works. 

I m beginning to know what it truly means to die to the flesh.

The idea is not to replace one addictive behavior to another its to find a balance between multi things that can move you forward. 

Plus I have been reading a book again and listening to my audio series as well.

Some good news is I make my final video on my old pc next week and I finally move on to my new pc. The second thing I have been focused on is presentation so I started cleaning and organizing my closets, ironing out my closes so they're close to wrinkle free as possible (still need to learn how to take them off properly and wear properly). I  m room or main attraction is next followed by my bathroom.  Plus I working on my edict how I eat and stuff like that. Because if I ever wanted anyone to get know me first I must be presentable and that something I have lacked over the years. 

Now, tomorrow I may be breaking the fast but you decide if I am or not because I will be doing escape the rooms with a church group which I m really excited about and been wanting to go for a very long time. 

That's it for today have a wonderful day. 

Grateful:

1.God

2.family

3.Church

4.Life

5.food

6.water

7.Job

8.home

9.Car

10.communities I m apart of.

 

Edited by zeke365

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Week 1 

I have decided to go back to week 1 of no tap detox its to confusing otherwise. So I will baisis it on every week not everyday and the reason for that is to keep my social media doown and balanced while still maintaining a rest day then during that time I can work on new projects. 

So I did mess up this week but I m okay now and ready to start over and learned what I need to do. So my trick worked when I had christain music playing off my phone when I worked on my projects. It did not distract me like I thought it would have and I have offically listened to Amazing grace, Oliver Twist, and Screwtape letters in their dramitzed form next is chronicals of naria. 

The second thing you should know I offically on my new PC with everything transfered and its quite nice, windows 10, blutooth and wifi. The headphones have a slight delay in video noticbe but not by much so I will still have to work on with the cord on if I want the audio right but watching videos with it on is nice cause I can deal with the delay then. 

Some may not understand why I did what I did well simply it was basicly saying buy to my old life and starting new one, the reason for gaming pc though that not my attention is I kind had been wanting this processor for years and gpu but prices were to high and building pc would have cost me ou $2000 and would have taken me forever to build though a good learning process yes, I m just not that techinal. So that why. 

Reflection time: Plus I was looking through through my facebook looking for something I wrote and found that I had posted on of cam articles or video not sure what was back 2014. This means I was fully aware of my gaming addiction back then. That amzaes me and I can say I went the slow root out when I did. So I had made the decison not to touch console games back then I will amdit able to relaglate myself for about 3 months but then went downhill but it was not bad cause I was able to control it for a little bit the biggest downfall is steam because before I hated steam cause I did not like playing online, I wanted to be alone on single player games (single players can still get you addicted even if their not  a game) and took on visual novels which is basicly imersever interaction story where you are the main character and you are interacting with these characters mostly anime but still it was immersive enough.  I always played games that were sort of outside the more neither casual nor hard core I kind fell in the middle more on the casual side. I use to gog games and every game in the series I owned and after the mutiplayer game I played I started making friends on facebook so I m still in contact with some of them even one of the creators of the game. So when a happy birthday comes around I will at least wish them a happy birthday. 

I thought I share that and I think that all for today I will be working on more projects this week and hope to gets things strighted out. 

Grateful:

1.God 

2.Family

3.Church 

4.Bible 

5.House 

6.Food 

7.Water 

8.Home 

9.Car 

10.Job 

 

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Week 2

I m doing much better this week and was going through a struggle last week with what do I do here.


The based idea is that both of these communities helped a lot in the animation and stories and I wanted to watch some of their videos to give back to them because these are people like you and me who made this creation and are not done by Hollywood producers.

When I really thought about why I took this fast more so it was it was because I wanted to get rid distractions that prevented me from doing what I wanted to do. I asked myself is this helpful?, Does get me where I want to go? Am I gonna make more excuses later on?, Am I relapsing?, Will I be in the same position before?. All these questions I asked myself before deciding no I m gonna continue with this because of it like walking out of a cave in the sun beautiful in the sky, the smell grass in the meadow, and the blue sky ready to explore the world you missed since all your life was in that cave. It's a freedom I m not willing to trade back because I would rather have this freedom than go back.

The second thing is I will be still continuing the animation in movie theaters next one is Wonderpark. This way I m out of the house and not at home and its the closest thing I could get since I do animation myself. (a program designed for it not hand drawn though I did try a couple of times).

The third thing is an idea of youtube channel with gaming (no I have not been watching gaming videos online) which kind seems strange and it's pop in more than once but basically, it looking for Faith based stuff in video games. This idea has been in my head back and forth but to be brutally honest I rather not but if I m lead to do it I will. Maybe to use video games as a tool instead of mindless zombies. That's just my thoughts tell me your thoughts. Could be my brain recalibrating back to normal.

The fourth thing is I did volunteer at special needs ministry which was fun but I rather do that once a month at the church.

As for I plan my week here a look 

1.Mondays: Scripting

2.Tuesdays: Recording

3.Wednesday: Exporting

4.Thursdays: Editing

5.Friday: Release/ realx day 

6.Saturday: Relax day

7.Sunday: Tutorials

Of course, I have other things besides that like singles group I go to every Thursday, another bible study that meets on Mondays every other week and trying to plan more events as well.

The final thing is I found Christian comedian and he is really funny named johnbcrist. Something I needed a good laugh. 

That it for today have a wonderful day. 

Grateful:

1.God

2.Bible

3.Church

4.Family

5.Food

6.Water

7.Job

8.Car

9.life

10.communities I m apart of.
 

Edited by zeke365

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Week 3

This week I messed up with Vr but was able to last 14 days so better than nothing so it means I m improving in that area but I m decreasing in another.

You see I think I m coming to grips with the reality that I have rejected my whole life and I still don't know how to cope with it, I have tried in the past with videos, anime, etc. but at the core of I think I reject myself as well. This leads me to a weird situation.

You see I have tried to eliminate as much of social media as possible, expect the email, and youtube analytics then eliminated video games in addition to it and eliminated anime and cartoons. I have tried to replace its positive faith music, audio, reading the bible every day, go to church, church events etc. To try to counteract it with something positive.

The thing I have noticed and it maybe have to start doing is eliminate watching news at night because I think some negative feelings are coming from that, second is I m in no-win situation with my parents in which I mean if I don't hang out with them they think I obsession on the PC, but if I don't they say I should move on with my life so I get rejected both ways on that situation, thirdly I have never really dealt with rejection before and not sure how to accept things as is because I take everything to heart to seriously and I m not sure how others live without affecting them? For me it harder I want to know how now tell me to have a positive outlet on life because right now I have turned into a very negative machine and I need to reverse but not sure how or even what to do? I do something unconsciously to where If I go to events that I will hide and avoid making friends as fear of rejection as a way to protect myself. The second is the moment I get close to anyone they seem to leave or move somewhere else and this happened on one or more occasions.

So when I had anime I had a way to cope with the situation though it was more addicting that lead to depression saying I m never gonna get anywhere,

So if you have any suggestions on how to turn all my negative energy into positive one or how to deal with it and move one cause I think this hindering my growth, I d be grateful if you guys or gals have any idea. 

Grateful:

1.God

2.Family

3.Church 

4.Bible

5.Life

6.Car

7.Job

8.Home 

9.Food

10.Water
 

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Being a gaming addict made me feel worthless. A negative style of thinking is often the result of having low self esteem, and you can change the low self esteem. How? Not by just telling nice things to yourself in the mirror, imho. You can start to evaluate each negative phrase you tell yourself, weigh whether it's true or false, and then if you truly have a flaw that you don't like, decide how you will change your behavior to become better. Take a look at the books in my signature, they really helped me with this. Don't expect a drastic change in 1 day though ; you've been saying nasty things to yourself for a long time, you need some time to show yourself these are lies or that you can be better than that. Remember no matter who you are today, that's the result of your past choices. Your present will define who you will be tomorrow.

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Being a gaming addict made me feel worthless. A negative style of thinking is often the result of having low self esteem, and you can change the low self esteem. How? Not by just telling nice things to yourself in the mirror, imho. You can start to evaluate each negative phrase you tell yourself, weigh whether it's true or false, and then if you truly have a flaw that you don't like, decide how you will change your behavior to become better. Take a look at the books in my signature, they really helped me with this. Don't expect a drastic change in 1 day though ; you've been saying nasty things to yourself for a long time, you need some time to show yourself these are lies or that you can be better than that. Remember no matter who you are today, that's the result of your past choices. Your present will define who you will 

You are correct fawn_xoxo I have been beating my head like being punched without realizing the positive but in this process, I found something that is causing it.

You see I fear rejection and I have done is rejected myself in order to protect myself from other rejection so I don't get hurt. I get hurt much easier like glass so you know when you get hurt it hurts deeply with mine will go down even deeper and I m not sure how to fix that.

Another thing I have noticed I do hide and this has been practiced unconsciously of course because I must have trained to reject everything in life. This has been the one cause of everything that I m beginning to figure out.

Life could be going good but at a certain point, I can't pinpoint when it is that I end up rejecting myself, job, my life, and wish I could move to point a to point b and life moving so fast. 

So at the core is rejection and its something I need to overcome and accept and it kind it explains why if I get close to someone they leave because I reject them unconsciously that and I think I believe the TV life expectations you in the commercials, and movies and have taken that to much to heart,

Now that I have told you that let me think of the positives here when I quit gaming I found a job a few months later, I started a youtube channel in July 2018 called Animated Christians, I did some reviews and series and original movies which I need to get back into its getting time to do it.

That it for today have a wonderful day.

Grateful:

1.God

2.Bible

3.Church

4.Family

5.Life

6.Food

7.Water

8.Home

9.Job

10.Car


 

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You are not alone in this struggle. I have put up walls and pretended I was tough and without emotions to avoid getting hurt in the past. I am still working on this, I'm in a better place than two years ago but not as self confident as I'd like to be. I struggle with needing people's approval to accept my own actions and this needs to be fixed, else I am forever dependent on my loved ones in an unhealthy way. 

The other day I was reading about how this might have to do with childhood, maybe look into the three attachments styles, secure, anxious and avoidant, it might help.

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On 3/16/2019 at 1:46 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

Being a gaming addict made me feel worthless. A negative style of thinking is often the result of having low self esteem, and you can change the low self esteem. How? Not by just telling nice things to yourself in the mirror, imho. You can start to evaluate each negative phrase you tell yourself, weigh whether it's true or false, and then if you truly have a flaw that you don't like, decide how you will change your behavior to become better. Take a look at the books in my signature, they really helped me with this. Don't expect a drastic change in 1 day though ; you've been saying nasty things to yourself for a long time, you need some time to show yourself these are lies or that you can be better than that. Remember no matter who you are today, that's the result of your past choices. Your present will define who you will be tomorrow.

Thanks 

Now I do feel much better today and I did get clarity on a few things but its something I thought I never return to. You see I see the problem in gaming and many people don't find a place like this where they could get free from. Second is to stop looking at gaming as a bad thing because the more I tried to get rid of the more it was put in front of me. 

So what is it that I want to do well simply collect people from lost VR world or 2d world they have escaped to and show them a real earth but in order to do this I m must return to gaming, not as random player but use the gaming as a tool to teach others of the real world and the differences between them. I see so much potential in that but as a former addict myself I would have said no I traded for something better but what ended up happening is I started to get negative, irritable, and not fun to be around with. So instead I resisted the problem rather than solve the problem and the question is what are positives in games you learn, teamwork, social connections (even though they're not real) you learn how to overcome obstacles and figure the best solution and you make the wrong turn you can find out what went wrong. You see we all the negatives in games but sometimes we must look at the positive too. 

Now do I want the return to gaming no but the more I try to escape it the more it becomes in front of my face as if a calling is happening, 

Now this could be brain readjusting to and I did play oculus rift today, not a mess up but what really strange is that felt no emotional attachment to it, now some of the positive of quitting gaming is getting a job, starting youtube channel, investing in youtube course, learning to animate and manage time, so both have positives and negative the negatives of gaming is you addicted to the world, community, and forget about real life not realize 9 months have gone by, you never seem to get anywhere, you feel like your wasting away. 

I just find out what cam truly means when he said games not bad. I think we should look at the positive sides of what gaming did to us and what we learned then see the negative impact of as well then we get a full picture of who we are and what we need to do. 

For now I gonna not game because I want to talk this over for a few communities and some people I know but I let you know what the final decision is, am I fully aware of the addictive behavior it brings but I see people getting stuck in this world even more than now and that why I would like to offer way out sort like a double agent. 

That it for today have wonderful day.

Grateful:

1.God 

2.Church 

3.Bible

4.Family 

5Life 

6.Job

7.Car 

8.Home 

9.Food 

10.water 

'
 

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