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thehondasc00py's 90-Day Videogame Detox


thehondasc00py
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Gaming: Day 91
Media: Day 21

So, I guess I did it. Here I am, 91 days later. Cool. 

So why do I feel so empty right now? I spent the whole day consumed by researching cryptocurrency investing. I had told myself I wanted to make money. I have the talent of being an incredible researcher, and when I get into something, I get consumed by it. So I spent all day researching. I still had some bitcoins, I was happy to see as they have been rising insanely, but not at all many. Made about 100Euro, planned to invest my now 200E of bitcoins into other cryptos before the bitcoin bubble bursts and falls, while the altcoins will rise again. Sent my coins to an exchange site, but with all the chaos in the finance world today and 200k unverified transactions pending, my transaction got stuck and it still has not arrived. So I cannot invest into the cryptos as soon as I would like, meanwhile bitcoin has already started falling while my savings are in limbo..and yeah.

I noticed quickly that something had happened. I had become attached, deeply unconscious. I had taken myself and my life too seriously again. Taken myself for absolutely real, and important. Attached to outcome. Consumed by a distraction. My mindfulness broken, and my enlightenment from past sunday forgotten. Something felt deeply off. And it's still so, since here I sit melodramatically spinning narratives in doom and gloomy prose. Woops.

Shit, this is useful though. Making money is useful. I just need to stay aware that it's a game I'm playing. Play the game, enjoy the game, don't fall asleep playing the game. Don't forget that at the end of the day, it's still just a game. Easier said than done.

If I invest into this and make some good cash, yeah I might lose some meditation and spiritual progress, but I can invest the money I make into later travels, or lifestyle stability, all things that will be useful in the future. It's a future investment. Unlike making Gold in WoW, where it's literally just pixels with no inherent value. Well, money is still just some conceptual numbers, but with a little more value. I'll continue to play the game but check myself before I wreck myself. Maybe I've earned myself a little distraction. And I'll be growing other skills+life experiences.

Ok, enough with the narrative. Snap out of it!

I'm here, I'm now, self is conceptual, life is ever flowing, changing. Nothing is solid or permanent. Nothing has inherent meaning. It's all OK. Remind.

I still have soooo much shit to do though. Damn!

I just feel like it's a lost cause trying to grow spiritually, succeed at Uni, succeed at dating, and hustle and earn money all at once. Even 2 at once is difficult. But fuck it. Whatever road I take, I feel like I'll arrive at the same destination in the end anyway. Does it really matter? No.

 

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It's all about balance bro. Something that I find incredibly difficult too! It's always going to be hard because we are trying to improve so many different areas of our lives. But we can only keep pressing forwards! Knowing that as long as we trust the process, we will eventually succeed. :) 

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Gaming: Day 93
Media: Day 0

Alright boys and girls, it's time to initiate Stage 2

Stage 2 of what? Stage 2 of my detox, my path here. On friday I discontinued my media detox. After all, my goal had been the remaining 20 days of my videogame detox, and I passed with flying colours. Decided to treat myself to Season 3 of Mr. Robot (the show is a masterpiece) and 2 movies this weekend. And a good ol' wank. Pity, my NoFap counter was through the roof but whatever, porn/fapping has never been a problem of mine anyway.

Observations:

It was OK, but obviously unsustainable. There was

  • overeating, cravings
  • room became a mess
  • dishes piled up
  • morning meditation and runs skipped, infact the whole routine was pretty much dropped instantly lol
  • muscle tensions and knees achy from lack of movement and shitty postures

Basically, what this weekend was, was a little sample of what would happen would I return to gaming. I'm still on the fence if moderation is possible or not..there's parental controls and other limiting factors I could enforce buuuut...the way the focus of my life just shifts..eg thoughts and agitation during the morning meditation, until I just give up after 5min and go to my laptop. Very fascinating. Well, last 2 days I had no intention of moderating, I intentionally went into this weekend as a holiday for myself, of sorts. Just treat myself, watch all the stuff, get it out of my system, a little break. With intention to moderate, could I moderate? Possible, but silly. Difficult. Unfocused, unproductive, inefficient. Divided attention and divided direction.

Ok well anyway, here I am. After the final movie today, I was done. Recharged and ready to jump right back onto the Path. Felt weak af but got up cleaned my room for about 2 hours straight, cleaned it proper. I'm talking behind the cupboard shit, I'm talking wiping down the floor with special liquid shit. That motherfucker is now SPOTLESS. So tidy, minimal, ordered. That reflects back onto yourself.

Tidy room, tidy mind.

Also, my habit board is ready to go with some brand new, empty habit cards. Oh, speaking of that, I was thinking of tallying up all my habit cards from the last 3 months, see how much I did. Let's go...actually just checked and my habit cards only go up to 82 days..guess I only started on Day 10 or something whatever.

Within the last 82 days, I:

  • went for a run on 51 days
  • woke up to a Stoic Miracle Mindful Morning (yep, I changed the name a lot) on 56 days
  • read or did inner work on 36 days
  • practiced pickup on 11 days
  • studies extracurricular/did uni work on 27 days (only started uni a lot later)
  • meditated on 82 days (skrrra pap pap skadoosh)

Ok nice. It's important to realize that none of this would have happened had I not been game-free!

So, reminder. What do I really want?

  • I want to be able to move and flow through life effortlessly, selflessly, observant, free. Zen.
  • I want to engage in meaningful relationships with interesting people
  • I want to engage in relationships with the opposite sex. I want them skillz
  • I want to travel the world, see all kinds of new and amazing places, immerse myself in the hustle and bustle of diverse cultures, architectures, landscapes
  • I want a concentrated and clear mind, I want a fit and strong body
  • I want to build something, I want to create something
  • I want to realize absolutely and embody Truth
  • I want to be completely free

Wheh. I have work to do. 

The work I do here, the routine..going through the motions every day. Same place, same time, same people..It can get..deceivingly dull. It can appear deceivingly unimportant. It can seem like I'm just..stuck here..in limbo, while my dreams and goals are abstracted "somewhere" out there, indefinitely. A different time, a different me. "Oh, sometime in the future maybe, cool, but for the next x months I'm just here. It doesn't matter." And I forget what I do, why I do. But this work here is fucking important. Routine is the framework that keeps me on track towards these goals. Routine is what keeps me in shape. Routine is what prepares me, so that when the times come, I am the best I possibly can be, I can enjoy them as much as they have to offer. Routine is there so that I do not have to be thinking and remembering and planning 24/7. Routine is not there to question, routine is there to be followed.

I remember how fantastic I have felt the past months. Sure, a few lows, but when I contemplated the lows, they turned into fucking highs.

It felt fantastic to be creating myself anew, building myself up, sorting out my life, sorting out myself, Working, empowering, understanding. Minimalism, uncluttering the bullshit, returning to simplicity, returning to Being. The simplicity of it. 

For this quality of life, abstination and discipline are necessary. Abstination and discipline are freedom.

Any goal or dream, well..any fucking worthwhile pursuit requires commitment. And commitment is not saying yes to things, it is saying no to things. I can have anything, but i can't have everything. Make the choice, and suck it up.

I now return to the position I held, and profited from vastly: be free of attachment to Comfort. Comfort gives me Nothing. Instead, value Understanding. Seek to understand everything. Myself, what I truly am, what I do, what I believe, how the world works, understand it all. Everything can be understood, understanding is there, here, now, in infinite abundance. Comfort is not, it is deceptive, it is useless, and ultimately empty. What I understand I need not fear, nor reject, nor push away. What I do not understand, I have only not understood yet. So sit down and understand it. Reminder.

Do what makes sense, do what is useful. Discard what is not. If that is painful, then question why. Question the necessity.

APPLICATIONS TO JOIN MY CULT NOW BEING CONSIDERED

Boom I think I'll wrap up here. Where the fuck did all this shit come from? Lmao I have no idea and don't care. Amen.

Media detox restarts tomorrow, this time I'm going for 30 days. One exception: I'll be watching an episode of The Grand Tour weekly (plus the finale of Mr Robot yet to release). I love that show and it inspires me. Other than that, no media. Oh, and cut down on the fucking reddit time. My cryptocurrency portfolio is all set up, all it needs is a little checking in NOW AND THEN. Not constant redditing for new updates. Nah, not worth.

Alright, that's it, I'm out, I'm fucking BACK, to the moooooooooooooooooooooooooooon

 

 

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Brah, nice going man. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK :)
I would definitely be careful of gaming in moderation. Looking at the way you slipped this weekend after your media detox, the very same thing could happen with gaming! Is it worth it bro? Mate, well jealous of your wank tho... xD I'm not giving in!

And I fully know what you mean about going through the motions... It does feel dull as fuck. But as long as the motions are taking us in a positive direction then we need to persist.

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Gaming: Day 96
Media (II): Day 3

Shit, it's tougher than I expected. Just checked the movies section in the library. Feel like grabbing Lord of the Rings or something. Some nice fantasy stuff that will spike my emotions. But will it really? Not sure what I will do. Should be studying now. Feels like I'm forgetting something.

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Gaming: Day 97
Media(II): Day 1

Wow, what a shitty morning. Woke up at 12 to discover my new alarm had not woken me up..I set it to this nice jungle and birdsong sounds and it just straight up didn't wake me up lol..so missed 2 classes of maths. Then it got even shittier when I checked my portfolio and saw that all my litecoin had fallen back down. Fuck. Skipped meditation and made myself some food. Fuck it though, I'm gonna do some shit now and go out to Game later.

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Media(II): Day 3

This second media detox is proving to be quite a tough fucker.

I picked up drawing. Replacing music production with it. I'm working through an online course. I love it.

Have not been studying. Need to start studying again. I keep letting it slide.

Cashed out my initial crypto investment, 220Euro, which means I'm sorted for the month. Left my profits, 330$ dollars in, diversified amongst a bunch of cryptos I believe in, and that's where it will stay. Active investing was faaar too distracting, I'm just leaving this in and let it rise. Checked today and it's already 390$. Ez.

Started planning my trip to South Africa in February. I got accepted onto a 10-day meditation retreat. That's gonna be great. I want to do a lot of Game while I'm there too.

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm back. Kickstarting my journal back up again because I want to do another media detox and I have a shitload of stuff to get done in the upcoming month.

For the record, gamefree counter is at 121 days.

Today: Media Detox Day 1

Media: All visual entertainment: movies, shows, anime.

Exceptions: Planet Earth, Travel or Eastern Spirituality documentaries.

Goal: 30 Days. 

What I need to get done:

  1. Uni work, misc. projects (V6, lab report, comp. science 7+8, comp. sc 5)
  2. work through old exams and general study
  3. research, choose and sign up for new program for fall 2018
  4. plan SA trip
  5. plan India sabbatical
  6. terminate apartment, sell furniture or rent storage, transport

I'm gonna need coffee. Lots of it.

 

 

 

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Wrote up a new Vision for who I want to become next:

Simon 3.0 (I am currently 2.0)

  • sattvic, minimalist lifestyle
  • maintains disidentification and right perspective from and over experience

                   -disidentified from thoughts

                   -disidentified from emotions

                   -conscious of awareness as a holistic experience

  • completely free from indulging in visual media

                    -prefers presence, stillness, awakeness over entertainment

                    -detached from emotional highs, detached from past story

                    -finds safety and joy in useful activities

                    -cravings and thoughts are not believed or given major importance

  • completely open and surrendered to life and death: life not resisted, death not feared
  • skilled and dedicated at drawing
  • has sex
  • loves and appreciates all of life, all of experience, even the negative and uncomfortable. Holistic, seamless experience. Dropping of labels.
  • Conscious of Story and Narratives
  • Accepts life as HARD, embraces hardship, embraces pain

Strategy for transformation: minimalizing (dropping the unnecessary and not-useful), visualisation, self inquiry, taking action, taking action, taking action

 

 

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Media Day 5

Some backlash and cravings today. Felt like shit this morning but recovered after some Osho Dynamic Meditation. At lunch thought of renting out a movie. Snapped out of it now. Have some stuff planned for later. Investments are eating up a lot of my attention, I need to cut down on price checking etc again. Damn market been down for days and I'm eagerly waiting for it to go back up.

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Media Day 1

Oh dear, oh dear. What a week it's been. What a week. I don't know where to start. I want to talk less about the content, more about what I felt. I went to a radical honesty workshop over the weekend. It was fantastic. It showed me a new way of living life and relating to people. I opened up about some stuff. Told a room full of people about my virginity, and my fears, did some public speaking. Also some paired exercises where we had to express our wants to the other person and have them do things for us was very interesting.

Cryptos crashed. I lost 2000Euros. I had some anger attacks. Very angry at myself for not selling sooner, losing all that hard earned money I had already made so many plans with. Riddled with anxiety by wanting to pull out and save what was left for travels, but not wanting to sell while low either. It's started crawling up now but might double dip. I pulled half out. Will wait. Accept my blunder. Learn. Shit happens. I forget how fucking much I still have to be grateful for. But I still wake up feeling sick at how much money (for me) I lost, and how much I could have MADE by selling then rebuying, if I had predicted the market better, done more research. Lol, I got burnt.

Death. Fear of death came and went. Found out all those fried almonds I had been eating every day for months contain possible carcinogenics when fried. Fear of cancer and dying early arose. Mainly fear of death not because of death itself, I accept that. Death is ok. This week, I've even relished at the thought of sweet relief. The end of this contrived story, this contraction, all this bullshit. But also fear, because I have shit to do. So much to do and see. I visualised death, and the tragedy was not me dying, but the dreams I had that would go unrealized. My unfinished business. The time I wasted. No, I accept death totally. Some spiritual inquiry and psychedelic-induced ego deaths help with that, lol. Im not my thoughts, not my body, not my eyes or ears or senses, not my emotions, not my roles, or my story, or anything experienced. Only that dies. The content. The phenomena, the ideas. It's the end of all this. In of itself, fine. But shit, I still have stuff to do. I want more time. I won't accept any bullshit cancer until I say so.

Stress. So much bullshit and shit to do. It's been grinding me away. I feel weak and stressed, and insecure. Now I'm spinning narratives about it. Boohoo, poor me right. I got tired of all this bullshit in this comfort civilisation. Man, I just want to get away from all this crap and have nothing to worry about but my own base survival. SURVIVAL

SURVIVAL. We've grown so detached from it. We have all the food, no physical danger, it's all easy, it's just consumption and gluttony, there's no risk, no conflict, no violence, no necessity, nothing. All that unused energy transfers into new hardships, new worries, new suffering. Now it's addictions and anxiety and all that jazz. I watch Planet Earth and see the huge, intricate web of Nature, it's sheer complexity, and interwoven beauty, and it's individuals simply SURVIVING, BEING.

I fantasise about being in some action film, like a martial arts action film, master of my body, master of the arts, and people are coming at me from all sides trying to kill me, and all I can worry about is to SURVIVE and live another day. Mind off, body on. Flow. Purpose. Drive. No other bullshit. No stories, no fakery. Just pure movement, being, survival. Or in the army, or something. Or some Bear Grylls shit. Ma man.

I got nihilistic. Sick of all the worrying, and stories, and shit. Personal development is a sham. No matter how good of a Self I become, I remain a Self, and find new ways to suffer, new things to need, new things to be scared of. The content changes, the substance does not. Even the desire to escape suffering itself is a sham. It doesn't matter. Suffering or no suffering, what's the fucking difference? I don't want to be a pussy running away from suffering. Fuck that, I want to run into suffering. I want to feel shit, I want to survive, fight, struggle, fuck it, in the end it's just a dualistic distinction, it's a sham, trying to escape suffering. Fuck that. Seems like a pussy move. I want to man up. Suffer if I must, die if I must, but suffer well and go out with a fucking bang. Yep, I became nihilistic as fuck. But spiritual lovey-dovey ponies and rainbows and oneness and love is a sham too.

I got into a hostile confrontation with a neighbour who demanded money I apparantly owed him over a misunderstanding. Realised, in such situations and worse, when things get ugly, shit gets real, then all the mindfulness, or spiritual love, won't count for SHIT. All your spiritual insights, all your meditation, that shit gets forgotten. Adrenaline rushes, mind turns off, body turns on. Then you see who you really are. Where you're really at. What you're really capable of.

It opened my eyes a bit. It felt good, it felt real. Mind off, body on, I want to tap into that more. I want that feeling of survival, of Zen-like no-mind body being. 

Yeah, I got nihilistic. Felt anger, felt shit, felt pointlessness. So I watched a couple movies. Action, martial arts movies. About highly disciplined, focussed, masters of movement, masters of body. Fighting for their very life. Man, I was so drawn to that all of a sudden. 

Next day I watched a show the whole day. Gave me no value, afterwards, boom. Rock bottom, a shitload of suffering lol, I let it wash over me and purify me. I saw the futility of it, of entertainment, of distraction. Damn. Life is hard but atleast it's something. Hard, easy, who cares? I want to say fuck easy, fuck comforts, but damn, it's tough, living here surrounded by all the temptations. I embrace my humanness, but at the same time I want to say fuck it.

God damn. I feel great. I want to keep going. I've learnt, the only way out is THROUGH. Actually, fuck going out at all, go IN. I'm going balls in, man. Whatever it is, even the most mundane, better go balls in or go home, homie. That's what I say.

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Media Day 2

Figured I would start journalling daily again. To be honest, I don't think I'm motivated enough for this media detox. I just don't give a shit. I don't mind, I'm not so caught up in self-transformation or self-development anymore. Take that as you will. A prior me would definitely read justification and rationalisation into it. Now, I'm not so sure. Being caught up so much in a Self, and becoming a better Self, just seems like a fool's errand now. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel pretty - not lost - but...not seeking. I feel like I should have a Vision, but I don't anymore. Radical honesty Workshop taught me to change all "Need to's" and "Shoulds" into "Wants". Do I want a Vision? I dont know. I feel pretty find where I am now. Don't know whether to embrace presence or fight complacency. Or just completey surrender to Life right right now. I think I'll do that. It worked quite well for me the last 2 days.

I tried this weird healing transmission over Zoom (like Skype) today. Sounded fishy af but was sold into it by this discord I'm on where everyone is raving about it so figured I had nothing to lose. Will continue weekly. For science. Felt good afterward. Listened to some videogame soundtracks this evening. Don't know if that bodes badly and signals the start of relapse road. Don;t care. It's the little things in life, like that rush of love and connection and passion when listening to that one amazing piece, that little slice of life, being drawn out of the Known and Mundane for just a few minutes, that makes life worth living. Considered picking up some more shrooms, I feel like I need another trip, a reminder of the truth, a breath of fresh air, returning home. Didn't feel like it. Maybe I still will. These peeps that do these transmissions say no drugs, and I'm willing to give it an honest to god shot, why the fuck not.

Have not been Gaming (pickup/socialising) since weeks now. I need to - no, shit, I mean  - I WANT to get out again. take my mind off things, let the body move and the ego talk. Have some fun and let loose. Flex those socialising muscles again before they atrophy. I want to go out tomorrow but know that when the time comes I won't feel like it. I would feel like it more if I had some actual friends to go out with but alas, I've become a hermit. Might go out and make some new friends but unsure if it's worth it with me leaving soon. And Gaming alone is tough af. Not enough motivation to do it alone.

Shit, where'd my drive go again. It's like a cheeky dog that keeps running away.

Just read a private entry to myself where i described my Vision and, well, that Simon, while perhaps a bit more naive than this Simon now, shit he was full of drive and passion and excitement for life. That was 19.12. One month ago. I don;t know what the fuks been happening this last month. Weird shit. What happened? Where did the drive and excitement go?
 

"Dude, there’s so much to be excited for. Now and later. All doors could be open, this whole world could be my playground. I could do whatever I want, manifest whatever I want. I could do great things.

I can become extremely good at Game, I could break my limitations and transcend my identity entirely. I could be taking home beautiful women every single day. I could be relating with people every single day. I could have sex whenever I want, and just chill and be happy and free whenever I want. Nothing would have to trouble me.

I can become an incredible artist. With infinite intelligence and creativity at my fingertips, I could be expressing my artistic passion and making amazing stuff every day. I could be working as a concept artist for a passionate game or art company or whatever, getting better every single day.

I could be walking foreign and magical lands. Walking along the bustling streets of india, hiking the empty mountains of Nepal, breathing the spiritual incense of an ashram, sitting at zen pools in japan. The world is wide open. Theres so much beauty and passion and wonder.

Life is CRAZY, enlightenment is CRAZY. Its sooo crazy but awesome. But I need to keep going!!!

Already now its pretty awesome. Game is fun, im starting to see results. Meditation is amazing, drawing is fantastic, I feel great 99% of the time. I’m becoming more and more empty. I see the ego move. I allow it. Its awesome. My ego is capable and competent. I feel more and more Love.

Keep at it!!!"

Yeh, dude was definitely excited. Shit, I just can;t relate to any of this anymore. Perhaps I just need to push through and come out with less bullshit the other side, sun shining, energy flowing, and I'll feel it again, stronger. Unadulterated passion for life, exquisite beauty, unlimited potential, boundless energy, disciplined drive. Maybe, maybe. Right now, I just keep trudging on, and do my best to let whatever arises arise, and surrender fully to Life and whatever it throws at me.

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I want to try single-player gaming in moderation.

Oh snap, did I just say it?

It's because I'm done endlessly struggling for nothing, done searching. I found what I wanted. I'm fine with who I am. I don't need to be anyone else.

Of course, that reeks of victimhood. Defeat. Where's the line between honest surrender and victimizing defeat? 

I spent most of the day listening to a game OST - its the Horizon Zero Dawn soundtrack, never played the game but very beautiful OST. This evening I checked cheap PS4s on eBay. Oh dear. This sounds real dodgy indeed, I know. I'm gonna sleep on it, read a lot of relapse reports and consider it real carefully. Is this just a trap? Maybe. Probably. But singleplayer games, just a cheap resellable PS4, no wifi, a small laptop monitor...one or two hours every evening...it could work. I've never given singleplayer moderation serious shot. If it fails, well I can resell the PS4, come back here and admit it doesn't work. Lalalala something something justifications.. ;)

Interestingly, I'm not running away from anything. There's no suffering in my life, no urgent needs, no tasks, no major stresses. But, it feels like there's nothing as a whole. Maybe that's a form of suffering. Maybe it's mediocrity of my own doing, my own inaction, that I'm running away from. Spice up my - at the moment - boring life with emotional highs. Those beautiful fantasy worlds to draw me out of the mundane.

On the 17. Feb I travel to South Africa for 5 weeks. Is it even worth starting now? Will I become addicted and not want to visit SA in that time? Will I lose even more motivation for my other activies? 

I meditated for like 5 hours today, just because I had nothing better to do. Just listened to that OST and it was really beautiful. It made life worth living. Dangerous, those OSTs.

I have nagging uneasiness now, yeah. It's probably a bad idea, it probably is. In less than 4 weeks South Africa, after that my whole life abruptly changes again, I get rid of my apartment, have to sell all my stuff, and find somewhere else to live and something else to do. The opportunity to game during all that..seems like a stupid idea.

Still, an easily resellable PS4 sounds tempting.."just 2 or 3 games I want to play through"..hmm...

Fuck it, I'll sleep on it. Maybe I'll have regained my senses tomorrow. I'm not counting on it though. I wait until atleast Monday evening to decide.

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Brother, if you look through your journal again - Are there any goals that you still want to work towards?

What do you dream about at night? There must be a vision of some sort on where you want to go next.
Gaining more of a direction will help rid of that nothingness, you will feel good for working towards something. As long, of course - You are taking action towards achieving it!

Message me on whatsapp if you wanna talk about anything :)
 

Edited by Brad_Hurst
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Day 4

At Brad's behest I have just read through my entire (online) journal, I have private paper entries I'll read through tomorrow, it's getting late af.

Interesting. I can definitiely see a clear maturation as the months have passed. At the beginning my writing was very high energy, but also a little too ecstatic, almost try-hardy, peacocky, maybe a little insecure. Now it seems more grounded, sober, real. Atleast that's my interpretation. There were highs and lows already back then. Probably always will be. Obviously I have grown - which is quite difficult to observe in the present moment but journals make it very clear - but what got at me those past few days was the overlying meta-observation: I have grown, but so what? Here I am, and nothing has really changed. Atleast it seems that way. Drop one problem, create another. Feel confident, then feel anxious again. Detach from validation, still style your hair in the morning and stress about the colour of your shirt. Like an endlessly repeating dream. Meditate 50 hours, so what? Life is life. I just have not been out living as much as I want to. I want to go out and fuck shit up again, do some crazy things. I'm 20, jesus. Who cares about suffering and getting rid of it. In the end, it will have been about going out and pursuing the things you were interested in, mastering something, creating something, doing something that's in itself worth doing.

That's not sitting inside my apartment gaming, that's for sure.

Yeah, I won't be buying a PS4. I got close today. Very close. But alas, I saw the light.

If it was just 1-2 hours of a pretty game to kick back and enjoy in the evening, sure, why not? Relaxing, inspiring, enjoyable, passion.

But unfortunately, it's not just that. It's the pain of having to stop myself after 2 hours when I might really want to carry on and the energy and discipline that requires. It's getting up and possibly wanting to go straight to gaming on a free day instead of completing tasks, morning meditation, morning run etc. It's consuming content other people have created instead of working at developing my own skill to create something of my own down the future. It's overstimulating my dopamine system. It's too much reward for too little work. It entails internet browsing. It takes my mind off the other things important to me. It's a distraction. It's an old habbit pattern, it's a past self.

I need to be mindful of my mind the next days as cravings may well return and my opinion change. In that case I should do well to return here and reread this entry (and my entry for Day 93, which is still, if I might say, fucking amazing).

Otherwise, I am feeling fantastic, I have been feeling fantastic throughout the whole day (not that I really give a shit if I feel fantastic or not now, either way I'll just surrender to it and carry on). I'm continuing this journey of self-development and self-discovery not because I NEED to, because no, I DON'T need to, nor do I need to be anyone or any way, it really doesn't matter, but I am continuing...because do I have anything better to do? No, I don't have anything better to do. So I might as well, why not?

Also, I want to become very skilled at drawing, and I want to start going out again. And cheers for the pop in Brad, really appreciate it.

Fuck it, for old time's sake, I'll bust out a haiku lol

sleek black chrome laptop
spit bars like chop chop
skkrrraa, that's a dead cop

I feel really bad for writing that one and it's not even a haiku but there's no takebacks around here
 i dont hate cops
 

 

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Media Day 6

Tremendous. I'm great. Great energy, great focus. A lot of flow and effortlessness. Excitement, drive and passion for life returned. Those shitty days may have been some mental and emotional purging of a sort. Mind goes silent a lot now, disidentified from thoughts, and a kind of playful, free nature. Some old stuff got thrown out. My motivation has shifted: I no longer do this or anything because I need to, but because I want to.

Nevertheless I won't attach to this. Everything passes and I'll keep doing my best to let go of everything that passes, good and bad, and surrender to every new thing that arises, good and bad.

Bars

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Media Day 9

Somewhat less productive the last 2 days but still all within a good green zone. Got a lot of drawing done, made some real progress. Been listening to the Skyrim OST a lot, but I judge it as safe. Very relaxing and enjoyable, with no cravings. I've already played that game to death and am fine with just letting the memories sit. Some day again perhaps, but not any time now. Stuff to do, places to be. And my yogic practice - energy work - is going swimmingly, I can just feel tingling vibratory energy and bliss all over my body, my chakras legit opening.

Eating a lot of dark chocolate tho but sugar free, keto friendly. Damn it makes me feel sick though lmao. What can i say, I'm in love with the choco. Bars.

Edited by thehondasc00py
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Media Day 12

Media detox going well. When I say media detox I mean like pure entertainment stuff. Been watching a bunch of Planet Earth and a couple other docs. I think managing these 30 days without any ordinary shows and movies should be quite an achievement in today's age.

My sleep is absolutely fucked. impossible to fall asleep before 5am it's crazy. Perhaps tonight. Ordered melatonin off the internet, hope it gets here soon.

Nothing else to say otherwise. Been drawing quite a bit. Oh, and I'm horny af. Been considering fapping because I have so much sexual energy at night and it's contributing to keeping me awake. Dunno. At the same time I want to use it to motivate me to go out and get laid. 

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Keep it up  Bro Fam, hell yah man, i respect how your challenging yourself. I get how you feel 1000%, been in your shoes many times..mmmm..im sure ill be in your shoes... soon..but i do plan smash its fun.. Keep up with the action taking your getting results,love the goals. new actions new results. Do you have a plan on how your going to get a sexual partner because you already know:)

Edited by SirDylanRice
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