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thehondasc00py's 90-Day Videogame Detox


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Continuing from an older post. Fell back and got distracted the last couple of days, felt like I had to start fresh with a new, more precise title to focus on what I really want to achieve here.

Day 9
What I'm grateful for today: 

  • comfortable home
  • getting into that cold shower
  • having supermarkets filled with delicious food available

The last few days I really felt a backlash and loss of focus. Consequence? Netflix binge. Reality check, this won't be quite as easy as I at first thought. Really tired, fatigued and irritable too. Had one or two angry mornings. My parents want me to see a doctor about that. I agree. This morning though, I feel great. In any case, I've managed to maintain my routine. Wake up, visualize, gratitude, 12min meditation, 15min run, cold shower.

One issue though. I dreamt about World of Warcraft, and in the first moments after waking up I considered playing until I woke up fully and snapped out of it. What does this mean for the detox, though? New patch is out right now and I was extremely looking forward to playing it, and the new raid, before starting this detox. Ok, I think I can forego the patch. But when the next expansion releases? I don't think so, and I don't want to. 

Anyway, cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I recommit to doing this 90 Day Detox. This, I must manage. Visiting an old friend now, then picking up some furniture for the apartment. Peace out.

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Day 10

What I'm grateful for today;

  • waking up in a warm bed
  • having a good friend

Had a really sweet morning. Routine went smooth, listened to the consumer->producer podcast episode. Finally got round to installing a certain music production software to make beats. Will get started for real tomorrow. Got a bit exhausted eventually, kicked down and watched a movie. Moodwise great all around though.

Goals for tomorrow;

  • produce a beat
  • get further in the book im reading

Gonna start busting out some haikus at the end of my journal entries when I feel like it, just as an extra little creative outlet.

I kept deleting
every draft I came up with
fuck it, get it done

Peace out!

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Day 11 


Ayyyy just got off producing my first track (!) its here: https://soundcloud.com/simon-wagner-29/piano-tune

Creating feels so good. 

Routine still running smooth as ever. Phoned up a guy I met online to organize an accountability thing. Striking up conversation with strangers gives me a huge energy boost, at first I'm adverse to any potential awkwardness but it always feels exhilarating afterwards.

Not much more to say. Without further ado, haiku.

From the void we come
To mold our spirit, create our soul
To the void we go

Peace out!

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@thehondasc00py I love your track! The beginning was a little quiet - I had to make sure my sound was working. Really chill though, something I could listen to for hours. My only wish is that it was longer.

It's great to read about the joys of creating, and I'm enjoying your haiku sign-offs. Keep it up!

P.S. To get the tag function to work I type @ and wait about 2-3 seconds, then begin to type the first few letters of their username. A helper should pop up and from there you can select the person you want to tag. If it doesn't work, delete the @ and try again, waiting a little longer.

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Day 12

@SlackRamen (trying without caps seems to have unjinxed it. glitch in the matrix?)

Thanks for listening! You're right, it was way too quiet, and short. Which is why I sat down straight away and busted out another track: https://soundcloud.com/simon-wagner-29/jungle-tune

On your post on my other thread (in the spirit of keeping the forums uncluttered we should stick to this one):

@thehondasc00py Firstly can I say, I'm loving the intensity! I'm totally feeling it smack me right in the face through the computer screen. WHAM.

Reading through your first week, we're connecting on a lot of levels here - personal development, keto diet, Asia gap year, falling on Netflix when trying to stop gaming, chocolate binges... You're not alone.

Awesome. You've been to Asia too? Let me guess, you went to Indonesia. It's just a hop over the pond for you Aussies. I had am amazing time there, it's probably my favorite country.


I'm going to be following your progress with the X Effect excitedly. I've never heard of it before, but it sounds and looks promising. If it works out I'll need to give it a go myself.

In other news, curiosity has taken hold. You mentioned you acquired two pieces of art from Ebay. Do you collect art? I've just never heard of anybody buying art from Ebay.


You've got to give it a go, it's great. I'll post an update pic soon, the red crosses are looking quite sexy indeed.

Here's what I got on ebay:


Buddha was 10euro, chinese rollart was 50. And both are nice and big. Great catches.

Haiku..eh fk it I just fried my creative brain working on that beat for like 4hrs, off to cook.

Over and out!



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Day 13

I am hondasc00py and at night, I run through fields like a madman

I just got back from a nightly walk with the dog. Man, I remembered how I used to do those all the time. Before bed, anything between 11-3am, just get out into the cold fresh night air and walk. Sometimes I would walk for up to 2 hours. Stumbling through the fields, or the pitch black forest (hondasp00ky), or just the silent, deserted town. The sense of peace, silence and solitude is unreal. That was my medicine, man, my spirituality. Tonight I was just finishing up a podcast as I started, when it ended the next track on the downloads playlist happened to be my current favorite indie rock song. Caught off guard, I just had to leave it on. The music blew up and something snapped, I just felt this insane rush of energy and joy, and danced the night away celebrating LIFE.

I return to normality feeling deeply satisfied and purified. When you get that moment, where everything just falls away, all the bullshit, and there's nothing but pure energy of joy and expression and movement, I can't help but feel that this is what life is truly about. It's incredible. Has humanity forgotten?

In other news, today I showed my mother the GameQuitters website, Reclaim program, and urged her to listen to the podcast, in particular the fantastic episode 7 of Cam's talk aimed at teachers and therapists. It will certainly help with dealing with my younger brother, who is deep into video games and unhealthy habits, when I am off at Uni.

I'll wrap it up here,
armed with the knowledge that there's
no reason to fear

Damn that's cheesy. Sounded cooler in my head. But, that's just how I roll. Peace!

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@thehondasc00py I love the vibes your new piece bring! Exactly the type of music I love. Where have you been all my life when I've been searching for something this chill? I'm listening to it on repeat while replying to posts now.

Awesome. You've been to Asia too? Let me guess, you went to Indonesia. It's just a hop over the pond for you Aussies. I had am amazing time there, it's probably my favorite country.

Actually, I was in Japan for 11 months. For how close Indonesia is, I regret that I haven't been. It's definitely on my list of places to visit. You would recommend it?

Really nice art you bought though. I'm digging the asian theme (something I can hear in your music as well).

When you get that moment, where everything just falls away, all the bullshit, and there's nothing but pure energy of joy and expression and movement, I can't help but feel that this is what life is truly about. It's incredible. Has humanity forgotten?

I feel blessed every time I'm able to pass through such a state. You're so focused but aware, and everything you do seems to be the right thing, fitting into place. It's like temporarily moving through godmode. I'm on a bit of a mission to find ways of maximising my time spent in those moments. There's nothing like it. 

You're on a roll man. Almost at 2 weeks!

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@thehondasc00py I love the vibes your new piece bring! Exactly the type of music I love. Where have you been all my life when I've been searching for something this chill? I'm listening to it on repeat while replying to posts now.

Awesome. You've been to Asia too? Let me guess, you went to Indonesia. It's just a hop over the pond for you Aussies. I had am amazing time there, it's probably my favorite country.

Actually, I was in Japan for 11 months. For how close Indonesia is, I regret that I haven't been. It's definitely on my list of places to visit. You would recommend it?

Really nice art you bought though. I'm digging the asian theme (something I can hear in your music as well).

Indonesia was amazing man, if you're receptive and open to everything. It was the country I visited right in the middle of my trip, after having gained initial experience and confidence in the first countries, but also before getting burnt out. I was on top of the world. Quite literally, my profile picture is me standing triumphantly on Mt Semeru, tallest peak in Java, summited solo and in half the normal time. Shit, the moment I summited was the best moment of my life, it was insane.

Imagine lying in your tent at the final, pre-summit camp trying to catch a couple hours rest before the climb. I was tossing and turning, riddled with intense anxiety about the climb. I had done so much to get here, sneaked past the basecamp guards because I had no permit, bought all my tent stuff, imagined myself at the peak, what if I failed? Couldn't get up? What would I think of myself? The recommended time for starting the ascent was 12pm if you wanted to make the sunrise, with the average ascension time being 5 hours. I set out at 11:30. What was the final climb? 1000 altitude meters of sheer steep af volcanic sand it was ridiculous, you went 1 step up and slid half a step back down, but I was so terrified of not making it that some primitive survival mode kicked in, and I just crawled up that volcano like a maniac. 

I kept taking breaks to check my phone how much altitude I had left..800m..700m...650m.. and what made it worse was that it was pitch black and I kept losing my way and ending up completely lost and having to backtrack. eventually I hit 3620m..50m left...
And I couldn't reach the summit. Everywhere I went I kept getting blocked by either a ravine or huge impassable boulders. It was really rocky and basically there was one tiny opening in the boulders somewhere but to find it you had to be on exactly the right place and the terrain was impassable with gulches and ravines. I could see on my phone I was so close, yet so far. At that point I really panicked. I backtracked for a while and kept going left and right, eventually, I saw a cigarette butt in the sand. Boom, a trail. The cigarette butt turned into a piece of plastic, then a discared cap, eventually a...FLAG? Oooooooooh snap??!! Climbing the last meters, seeing the flag, the entrance, I just remember yelling "YES. YES. YES. YES" and when I got through and hit the summit, damn. That was epic. "Elation" doesn't come close to describing it. And it was only 2:30. So theeeeen I spent 3 hours sitting alone on a volcano freezing my butt off until the sun came up, that was divine.


Christ, that was a derail. I should be journalling about today??? But I just vividly remembered what a time that was and the fingers started typing.
Anyway @SlackRamen Indonesia is amazing. If you're open, and receptive, and adventurous..your attitude manifests in experience..strangers you meet will offer you so much compassion..free stays..laughs. Do it with CouchSurfing. And climb all the volcanoes. So cool.


Also thank you so much for listening to and enjoying the tunes. That's motivating. I hope I can keep this up now with Uni in the fold, and turn it into something beautiful. 


Day 14 (what, only now? yes.)

I did fall into a bit of a slump during midday and started watching a movie, but the framework I have built in my life allowed me to recover quite quickly and get all my stuff done afterwards. Packed the car, drove to Ikea, bought some more stuff, packed my bags.

Tomorrow morning I move out, move to a new town, start a new life. I'll miss the dog, the village, the house, with it's multiple spacious rooms, the family dinners, the family. That's why cultivating gratitude is so important. It makes you savour every moment of what you're lucky to have, while reminding you of it's impermanence, nothing taken for granted, every moment valuable, and fully appreciated.


I wish I had paid more attention to the little things, and I wish I had loved more, appreciated more. I wish I had done more to help the people who cared for me, and done less to hurt them. I wish I had seen the meaninglessness in every fight, and I wish I had recognized the beauty of every moment. But I couldn't have, because I'm a human. And that's life. I grew up, and I did what I could. And now I will do a thousand things more.





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Day 16

What I'm grateful for:

  • Cam for creating GameQuitters and being an awesome guy

Yesterday was an important day. I felt some anxiety on the train on the way to the new town, and homesickness when I got there. But I eventually made myself go for a run+cold shower and felt great. Went out and explored the town, treated myself to some crazily delicous pumpkin soup at a local restaurant. I'm doing this.

Today I went out for groceries, raised my run time, took pretty much the best cold shower humanity has ever seen, now I'm sitting here. I'm fit, I'm sorted, I'm going in. It's the first appointment at Uni now, introduction speech and some other stuff. I've set up a couple of quests for myself to complete over this week;

  • make a friend
  • talk to a girl
  • sign up for a yoga class

Alright, that's it.

Flowing vibrations
energizing my body,

charging up my mind

New expansion "World of Worldcraft: University" just released, hope the servers run smooth..

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I loved the derail @thehondasc00py. It sounded like an unreal experience! If I went to Indonesia it would have to be CouchSurfing for sure, with volcanos now added to my list of to-do's.

I like that you simple set yourself 3 quests for the week. It's a nice change from overly ambitious jam-packed daily scheduling.

What better time to take positive steps in your life than with a change in scenery? I hope all goes well there. 

Keep expanding!

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@Cam Adair My pleasure. I've been into personal development for 2 years now, but gaming always held me back. I think GameQuitters gave me a final push over the edge. Cheers.

@SlackRamen Yeh do it!

Day 17

3 Long Term Goals: 

  • travel or live in japan
  • become a great music producer
  • complete my degree

Yesterday went well. I talked to a lot of people, mingled, showed up. I want to expand my social circle even more with meetups and clubs. Hopefully I find some people who are into actualization or music and stuff.

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Continuation of Day 17

Was all over the place today. I spent hours trying to open up a bitcoin wallet but couldn't get it to work which kind of put me in a low vibrational state. And my money is starting to run out again. And I've been thinking about getting a tattoo for some months now but could never decide what I wanted to I spent some more hours today gaining inspiration. I drew up some ideas, I came up with a tree with autumn leaves blowing down my forearm to symbolize impermanence and change. This all distracted me from Uni and Socialising quite a bit. I just briefly showed up for 2 self examination exams, maths and chemistry. Totally flunked math, only got halfway, while chemistry was a joke. Gonna take a complementary math course.

I'm already kind of tired of the social game. I just want one or two good friends who I resonate with and can be 100% open and comfortable with and have it over and done with and refocus on my path. This whole trying to make friends, mingling with groups but not really feeling like I belong is just a pain in the ass. Quest update: no yoga and no real friend yet but I've talked to a bunch of girls although I'm not counting it yet, eg I went and talked to a group of girls standing around but only to ask if they know how to access the campus wifi lol. Not with any serious intention to build some kind of relationship which is what THE QUEST DEMANDS OF ME, HONDASC00PY, DESTROYER OF WORLjust kidding.

I feel in a weird place sometimes. I get these flashes of inspiration, momentary visions of how amazing my life could be down the road. And other times I just..meh. Now is one of those times, but it's time to get to bed and start a fresh day tomorrow, hopefully with some more success. Gonna swing by the local tattoo studio after uni. And, I've gotta step forward and grab some numbers in Uni so I have extracurricular contact with someone and get this thing kickstarted.

Drained. Empty. Low Vibes
Dead. So I tell no lies
Yeah, can't always be so high
'Cause right now I'm just lo-fi


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Day 19

Yo I'm not really feelin the inspiration atm so unsure of what to write. Routine still going strong, I guess, but my meditation has become utter shit. So much monkey mind, so many thoughts and fantasies. When I started up again it was great but now having readded a social life to my life, meditation has really taken a toll, with all the going over past conversations, fantasizing about future ones, etc. I visited that tat studio yesterday which was a Win for me because I was a bit anxious about going. I met some more Uni people yesterday. I'm in a strange place socially. When it comes to just normal conversation, joking around, introducing myself, etc I'm really good at that and super confident. But I'm not really good at bringing things past that. I have yet to make a friend, and especially around dating with girls (and god forbid, sex) I always face a massive wall of resistance.

It's funny, I go around meeting loads of people, act really cool and confident around them, make them all laugh and like me, and then I'm scared to do anything else that could risk my nice, perfect built up image. Lol, I'm literally laughing at the absurdity right now. I build up my own prison. Will require further honest contemplation and reflection. Quite a lot on my plate.

Ah, it's times like these where I dip into a bit of melodrama that a new aspect of me emerges, one that remembers to not take life so seriously, just have a laugh at it all and have fun. Just see where it takes me. Ayyy

Here's the power of journaling. My very first sentence was "not feeling inspired, unsure what to write" which was then followed by a very inspired, deep reflection that just emerged and manifested into words. Lol, proved myself wrong.

Yo dude, what is up?
Nothing much, I just reply,
drowning in my cup



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@thehondasc00py mate, if only we were in the same country; I know we would resonate 205% and connect like nobody else. 

I totally understand the desire to skip past the social game part and get those deep relationships. Give yourself some time for this. You only set your mission of finding a friend down on paper on day 16, and by day 17 you were tired of trying. You definitely don't have permission to beat yourself up over it after a single day. 

Great job with a few things:

  • You visited that tat studio. Awesome! Did you get to talk to them about your idea? 
  • You talked to a girl! Shame on the person reading that and laughing. The first of your missions for the week crossed off, and it sounds like you talked to more than one. Bonus points!
  • You're meeting people! This isn't bad that it isn't turning into friendships right away. You're reaching your hand out to people and hoping they might take hold. Breaking down your perfect image around them can come in due time. This is a quality achievement. Say hello enough times and the right person will say more than hello back. 
  • You realised something is holding you back. This is the key to unlocking the door of change. So open that door. Be your weird self.


Here's the power of journaling. My very first sentence was "not feeling inspired, unsure what to write" which was then followed by a very inspired, deep reflection that just emerged and manifested into words. Lol, proved myself wrong.

This has got to be my favourite thing about journalling, and the thing that keeps my coming back for my addictive fix. 

I'm always happy to talk about any of these things. I'm technically still in university myself, just on a one year break. 

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Day 23

Havn't journalled the past few days. Why? Cause I finally moved in to my new apartment and it has no WiFi. And it's gonna stay that way. I'm giving myself 2GB Data/Month for important stuff, not enough for streaming or gaming. When I'm there, I'll have to spend my time productively or creatively. 

My parents who drove up to help and I have been really busy setting it all up. And I can say now, it looks AMAZING. 


  • You visited that tat studio. Awesome! Did you get to talk to them about your idea? 

Yeah but earliest appointment is only in january >:(

Say hello enough times and the right person will say more than hello back. 

Nice, that's quote material


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Continuation Day 24

Vulnerable, heavy entry inc.

I'm really fucking scared right now. I smoked some mj so maybe I'm just being paranoid, but basically, my music production software somehow got deleted. So I tried installing it again over campus WiFi. I had to torrent it a few times. I'm logged into Campus so I'm trackable, usually I use a VPN for this. When I turned off my stuff I realized my VPN hadn't been on. Didn't think that much of it until this evening, where I started getting all these visions and freaking out..If a copyright troll busted me torrenting the software, contacted Campus, charged me a hefty fee, or much much worse, Campus expelled me...how much I would then disappoint my parents who had worked so hard to get me here, spent a weekend helping me set up this awesome new place, the luck in finding such a perfect course, the only one in English across Germany, losing this cool Uni, and the new friends I had met, missing out all the things I had built up in my Vision the past 2 years, my life being completely fucking ripped to pieces...I visualised all these worst case, terrible scenarios, going deeper and crazier with each one and got super freaked out.

That's when I realized a few things. 

Spiritually, I'm practically still a babe. I have so much ego, and so much on the line. My happiness is still so conditional. My happy emotions so fragile and ephemeral. I feel like I have acquired this awesome situation of a life to be in, but I could lose it all, and it would destroy me. ME, ego. 

I realized I have SO INCREDIBLY much to be grateful for. I don't HAVE to have found this great Uni and course, I don't HAVE to have found and set up this great apartment to live in. I don't HAVE to have money, and easy food available. I could have nothing, and be starving. I don't HAVE to have a healthy body, I could be sick and dying, or disabled. 

I don't HAVE to have this easy, priviledged life, I could be living in hell. I don't HAVE to have parents who love me no matter what and are always there for me, my parents could be dead. I don't HAVE to be alive, I could be dead.

As I went over these things, I felt my awareness ripped in two by the opposing forces of FEAR and GRATITUDE. Neither has won yet. I'm grateful to be here but I'm fucking scared of losing it.

It seems to be some kind of primordial fear, that doesn't show up in daily life, but can arise when triggered or going deep.

Shit, I just know that if I go clean on this, I don't get fined or atleast I don't get expelled, I COMMIT to feeling fucking grateful about that. And I COMMIT to giving it my very all, everything, to make it work, to earn it, to make the most out of it, make myself and my parents proud, everything.

(DETERMINATION has entered the game, now a mexican stand-off)

Fear is still there and well, though.


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Day 25

Still anxious af. This means a lot to me. But I've been accepting fear. In his book The Science of Enlightenment, meditation teacher Shinzen Young describes the process of switching from the usual coping mechanism - tighten up and turn away - to the much more effective one - open up and turn towards - in addition to this, a constant purification of the Self and  what buddhists would call karmic seeds, or simply adopted behaviour patterns, by constantly pouring a) concentration, b) sensory clarity and c) equanimity on whatever arises in experience. Sensory clarity is the ability to break down, and clarify the bundled mesh of experience into it's separate components, and equanimity is the ability to mindfully observe them without craving or aversion. What I love about Shinzen is his way of breaking down spiritual concepts into mathematical formulas or equations. Eg "Suffering=Resistance x Pain. Pain may lead to suffering, but it is multiplied by how much you resist it. If you have absolutely no resistance, there is only pain, but no more suffering.

Lets do something similar with Fear:

In the case I'm having right now I might define my fear as:

Fear=Chance of bad thing happening x Magnitude of bad thing

The chance of my getting expelled for piracy is, I should think, pretty small. But if it were to happen, the magnitude of how it would impact my life is huge. Thus, although the chance may be something like (torrenting got caught=20% x uni expells me for it=25%==5%), the Magnitude is 10 000 Bad units, so 0.05 x 10 000 Bad = 500 Fear units, still pretty big.

Another way to think of Fear:

Fear (emotion)=(feeling in the body)+mental images+mental talk or, broken up even further (feeling1+feeling2+feeling3..)+mental images+mental talk

The more you focus (concentrate) on the experience, you more you can break it up into smaller and smaller components, making them easier and easier to deal with, and greet with equanimity, which in turns purifies Self. Perhaps Consciousness=(concentration x clarity x equanimity) / 1 with concentration, clarity and equanimity being factors defined between 0 and 1. They start low, like 0.01, and the closer they get to1, the more developed consciousness is, with 1/1 being Whole, or Enlightened.

This is mindfulness, mathematical edition.

This might be a but simpflified, but the whole point is reducing and abstracting the ultra complex web of human experience into smaller, more manageable components. And coming up with these formulas has been fun, and helpful.



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By the way if you're interested in meditation read the book I mentioned, I've been researching meditation for 2 years now but this book is by far the best, deepest and most engaging work. Shinzen, if you watch some youtube videos of his retreats, is a friendly, smart, warm and genuine guy who's been hardcore Zen meditating for most of his life plus has a Maths degree. His book gets pretty wild toward the end but in a "whoah, is this true? ive gotta go and see what this is all about for myself", motivating kind of way.

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Also, one more thing I want on the record. The guy who lived here before me sold his washing machine to a girl who lives in the same house 2 floors up, he suggested I talk to her about sharing it, gave me her number. Instead of lazily Whatsapping her, I decided to go up and knock and introduce myself. I got anxiety as I approached the door, stalled, calmed myself down a bit going over my 2 formulas for Fear, and eventually just went for it and knocked. Bummer, she wasn't home, but I did it and I'll do it again later or tomorrow.

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Day 27

Jesus, I just got off an emotional rollercoaster with 10 loops. I'm sitting next to 5+ pages of furiously journalled on paper. I've reflected and visualized, and worked through a lot of fear. Yup, I really felt it hit hard again this evening.

Here's what's happened.

Yesterday I got high and decided to restart watching my all time favorite show "Avatar: The Last Airbender" with which I have some extremely sensitive, nostalgic, warm memories. I've seen it twice, so in a ritualistic manner I had been banking on seeing it again soon the next months, with my new life, new me, etc. It seems strange but I kind of included this in my daily visualizations like half a year ago. "What my life will look like in a year; confident, happy, working on myself, successful at uni, popular, and chills out in the evening with a j watching Avatar", that was like my dream. Yesterday, I turned it into reality.

It didn't go quite as I expected. It started out great, but wait, what's that slowly, subtly creeping up on me?

h e l l o   d a r k n e s s   m y   o l d   f r i e n d

Dissonance. Dread. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. What's wrong? Wasn't this part of my Vision?

Ah, but it's still Distraction, that's the sad truth. And a very sneaky one at that. I realized, I can't on the one hand be this great, happy, confident, hard-working person while at the same time smoking weed and watching Avatar. Those are two lifestyles and two philosophies that collide and contradict on fucking principle. It's one or the other. I have problems at the moment. I'm fucking scared. And I'm seriously lonely. I go deep, I sit in solitude, I investigate, and I discover suffering. I get conscious and all the suffering underneath reveals itself. I have a problem in this life, I finally accepted that on Monday, and it required my full attention. I can't be the man I visualised while simultaneously closing up, turning away and distracting myself with entertainment at the same time.

No, that would be acting inconsistently. Inconsistently with what life has taught me so far:

  • A)Walking this path is the only thing that works and
  • B)Seeking comfort and pleasant experiences, no matter how beautiful and innocent they seem (Avatar, you divine masterpiece of a story), always leads to suffering and is unsustainable. Cycle repeats.
  • C) Freedom is possible if I continually work at it without repeatedly getting distracted

Acting consistently means acting like I have in the past 3 weeks.

And they have been amazing.

When I discovered GameQuitters, and TheXEffect right after, and got into this stuff again, when I experienced that HUGE shift on my bike in the sun, I believe it might have been on my second journal entry, day 4. That shift propelled me onto a new path, I discovered happiness and freedom I had never imagined, and since then I was KILLING IT. I was getting shit done left and right, I was keeping up my fucking habits without fail and it was so damn empowering, I felt a new level of confidence, I felt unstoppable. I was finally breaking through. My life was FINALLY changing to what I had always wanted it to be. Free, empowered, purposeful.

I need to keep this up. Homeostasis started kicking in, why? Because I've never gone further than this before. It's scary, it's unknown, it's unprecedented.

To have gone this long consistently crushing it, being motivated, working...to have gone this long without entertainment..

It seemed wrong. Like this isn't how life is. Like I need entertainment in my life, what the hell? That's how it's always been! There's always been entertainment? Yeah often it wasn't ideal and lead to suffering, but it was safe! Familiar! And besides, everyone else is doing it!

That's why homeostasis subtly starts pulling me back in. Distract, entertain, it's ok, it's normal. Can't be working all the time, right?

I got tricked.

In Uni today, I felt amazing.. Troubles gone, socializing easily, made two new friends, one is also from South Africa, one is really open about talking about reall stuff, it was great. The fear wasn't there. Instead, the good feelings of Avatar were. "Hey look, I'm fine afterall. Hey, I'll be through Avatar this weekend already anyway, let's just do it, allow myself this treat, experience all those amazing feelings again.." And even now just writing this out again, I feel that way a bit again..I understand it, even feel like agreeing with it.

But anyway I restored the files, smoked, and started watching again.

Same thing happens. Starts fine. I laugh, I smile, I feel Love.

Next thing I know I'm looking at the mess on my desk. Banana peels from snacking bananas. Dirty cutlery, my plate. Kitchen is a mess. Unopened post lying on the surface.

I got swindled.

Crack, the illusion shatters. I started valuing comfort again.

The past 3 weeks, I dropped that fucking need for comfort, and instead I valued Growth, and Work, and Truth. And it was so amazing.

And here was Comfort as a Value again. That feeling of "ok, so I'm high. cram as much avatar into that window to enjoy it at max. Ok, so i'm high and I'm watching Avatar. cram as much nice food into that window to enjoy it at max..." and that's how it goes, it's crazy. And next thing you know your desk is a mess, your belly is bloated, and you can no longer ignore the fear and the dissonance that's been building up, and you're left with "Oh, now I remember. This is what happens."

So, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you, fool me thrice shame on me. Not gonna let the thrice happen. I deleted the files+cleared recycle bin this time.

I've got issues at the moment and homeostasis is activating at the moments, so I've got to be on the fucking double for this one. Fully aware, and trading carefully. 

I'm missing safety. I just lost the safety of my childhood home and village, my parents, and now I even feel like the new safety my being in Uni and having this nice apartment offers is shaky and at risk. Shit.

So I realized the only thing that can really give me lasting, rocksolid safety whereever I go, is this Path. My routine, my efforts to grow, to learn, my habits, finding truth. That's whats needs to be my safety, what grounds me, what I can hold on for support. When I run, I feel confident. When I meditate, I feel confident. When I read and reflect, I feel confident. When I get shit done, I feel confident. Following this is so obviously right, it gives me confidence, and a degree of security. I don't want to let it go again. Not impermanent comforts and pleasurable experiences, but this. Even if it reveals pain and suffering.

I think I better start wrapping up here. I think I got most of what I experienced clarified and structured.

I know that tomorrow, I might well feel fine in Uni again. But I do have issues, and tons of stuff that still needs working through, and walking through. Maybe the hardest times ever are still ahead. Underneath it all, I'm still scared. At what the future could hold, how I may not have control over it, at not knowing what will happen. I dread the things I might have to go through. Typing this out already gives rise to negative visions in my mind's eye. Ayy atleast I still appear to have my brilliant humour. Just cracked out the funniest jokes to the south african I met yesterday on whatsapp, while simultaneously being in probably the most tumultous and maybe difficult part of my life so far. That's funny. I guess how I act and appear outwardly in Uni - cheerful, confident, outgoing - sometimes completely betrays what my life is really like on the inside. I guess that goes for us all to an extent. We're all just acting to some degree. And yet, I can't help but feel that the cheerful, confident Me is truelly who I really am without all the bullshit and fear.

I'll wrap it up here. Christ, I probably sound like a mess. But writing this journal feels so good. I can go wild and just express. Listening to the most beautiful beats while writing this, and now I feel fantastic, and the fear further lessened. Excited to see what tomorrow brings.


love is realer than suffering

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