Mithras' Journal

[iamthemithras]

Day 11

Got to work feeling groggy, because I binged on watching a really funny YouTuber before sleeping. Wasn't late for work though, got the most important thing nailed down.

I'm feeling a lot better now! I'm not as fatigued as I used to be, and I feel friendlier even though I imagine I still have my signature resting bastard face. I actually woke up 15 minutes before my shift so the first thing I did for the day was hurriedly put on my pants, a cap, and a hoodie from a clothes pile. Ran my way to work, punched in on time, went to the men's room and saw that I looked like a drug dealer from GTA San Andreas. I'm probably lucky I wasn't shot on my way to work by one of our beloved president's hired assassins.

I'm thinking of surrounding myself with positive thoughts lately. Earlier I tried visualizing things I want to have like having a great relationship, more friends, a sexy girlfriend, financial security, a date with a cute girl with a great personality, a girlfriend with great sense of humor, flirting with a girl with a great set of... eyes... uh, you get the idea.

Maybe it's because it was just payday yesterday, or the fatigue is going away, but I'm feeling really really great!

I have gay friend at work that I had a falling-out with a long time ago, months actually, and we got along again just right now which is really great. I noticed I enjoyed being with some of my coworkers more, I felt friendlier than usual. It's really great, I feel really great after payday.

Maybe this really is about getting paid.

Anyway, after work I went home and brought my brothers out to the mall, we ate at KFC, went to some kind of virtual reality ride where we sat on a capsule, put on VR headsets (it was pretty cool!) then brought home some Krispy Kreme and bought my mother pasta from Sbarro because she really loves that stuff.

The only game craving I got today is when I read about Doom from someone's journal here. It really made me nostalgic, I had good times with the game... but I'm looking forward to good times with my life which is why I'm going through this detox.

 

Didn't learn anything about myself or anything about my addiction, but I did learn that my brother has to sing Eye of the Tiger whenever he has to take a dump.

I keep saying that I probably feel great because it was payday yesterday, but I don't remember feeling this elated when I was just wasting my weekends playing games. I'm very happy for this day.

I'm thinking of going back to writing Fan Fiction. I have a story that I started back in 2013 and has been in hiatus since 2015... It's a Deadpool crossover, and when the Deadpool movie came out I think I got more followers waiting for me to release the next chapter. Poor fools. This is actually why I YouTube binged yesterday - I was trying to write something, but got distracted. Lately I've been thinking I owe it to some of those people to get the story out of development hell, but I find that I don't know how to write the next chapter! I have to reread the whole story to remember the flow I had in mind for the story, but I don't find that exciting to be honest. My writing back in 2013 is atrocious.

Apart from that, I hope to write more entries like this.

[Mettermrck]

I notice when I'm doing better with my personal development, I tend to do better with socializing. When I'm messing up, I tend to take the guilt out on others or just stay away from them. Sounds like you're doing much better! ? Thanks for your kind words, btw.

[Zala]

 I imagine I still have my signature resting bastard face.

Nah I'm sure you are lovely. You are just being too hard on yourself.

[BigPete247]

Good job, mithras, seems like your letting your feelings flow and your wallet thanked you in the process. Keep on improving buddy!

[Vlad]

I notice when I'm doing better with my personal development, I tend to do better with socializing. When I'm messing up, I tend to take the guilt out on others or just stay away from them. Sounds like you're doing much better! ? Thanks for your kind words, btw.

Same here, I think it's a usual man's pattern. We pull away in hard times and socialize way more when on a roll.

[iamthemithras]

Day 12

Don't remember much from day 12, was asleep most of the time but I think I tried to sleep away my cravings - I got tempted hard to play some games, I thought sleeping it off would work. Well it did, but I was awake at odd hours again.

Day 13

Realized that there are better ways to stop thinking about playing video games than sleeping it off. Felt a slight urge to workout again, then finally won over my laziness and went to the gym!

Man, it felt so good to workout again. Nothing like a full body workout and doing reps to failure. Ended my workout with a farmer's carry of two 40 lbs dumbbells across the gym, best feeling ever for my traps. Felt like a beast!

I guess I should focus on my cardio if I want to lose fat, but man does it feel so good to be strong.

Anyway, after my workout I stumbled onto my cousin on my way home. We haven't talked for ages so we caught up with each other. We talked for about 5 hours I think, it was really great. I told her about my video game addiction and going through the detox and she believed me and supported my decision, she said she understands in a way because she's studying to be a physical therapist. She told me it's great, and that quitting video games is sure to improve my social life and such. Other than that, we talked about each other's favorite music, movies, plans for the future. It kinda felt like we were two strangers that were trying to learn as much from the other person.

When that was done, I went home and lurked the forums for a bit then wrote this journal.

 

It seems that when I'm bored I tend to think about video games again. While I'm still studying Japanese, and it appears I will be working out again, a good action plan to keep my mind off games is to be preoccupied with something. I think I want to start drawing again, I don't know. When I was a kid, I always wanted to make comics. Maybe I'll pick up again and start drawing cartoon people again, seeing Pete's journal lately gave me the idea.

 

That's it for now I guess.

[Mettermrck]

The gym rocks! I'm glad you were able to go.

[BigPete247]

Yep, it's good to have a little support to help you through this mithras, good on you!

[Vlad]

Is it universal that when people quit gaming they suddenly start bumping into old friends and acquaintances? I have serious suspicions on that 

[iamthemithras]

Day 14

Nothing much to say, I'm still sleeping at odd hours. I think I didn't made gains from my last workout because although I did sleep a lot, the longest I slept was for 4 hours. Nothing interrupted my sleep though, but I was still sleepy so I went back to bed.

It appears that my exhaustion has passed. Now I'm restless. I'm also sick now, I got a cold. T_T

Day 15

After work, I went straight to bed. Had good rest for what it's worth, woke up and saw I only slept for 3 hours.

I ate out with my little brother, bought some ice cream, went home, now here I am writing the journal.

 

So it appears that I'm no longer tired like crazy, but I seem to be getting inadequate sleep now which may or may not be a withdrawal symptom. I didn't drink anything with caffeine that I think would affect my sleep, I usually only drink water. Not sure what might be affecting my lack of sleep. I want to hit the gym tomorrow again, but I'm getting discouraged with my lack of sleep. I'm gonna need long and  restful sleep if I want to see actual muscle growth.

I seem to be confused whether I want to focus on losing fat or gaining muscle. But that's enough about me kissing my own ass, making myself sound like some pro bodybuilder or something.

The cravings are coming back, and they're very very strong. I'm getting day dreams again. Just earlier, I told my little brother who's 11 years old that I really really miss gaming. I asked him if he thinks it's bad for someone to play video games all day, he said he doesn't think it's bad. I asked him, what if this person only wants to play video games and never gets out of their house only to play games, he said he didn't really know. I guess I just wanted to see his point of view of things, even if he's just a kid.

I think I'm getting very anxious about all this. I noticed that I'm stress-eating lately and getting fatter. I guess I can tell people I'm bulking or something, but I ain't gonna fool myself or anyone here. I really feel like an addict needing his fix. It's a little terrifying writing all this, to be honest.

The good thing though is I feel inspired to go back to the gym. I'm watching fitness videos again, and I still crave the satisfaction of a finished workout. I wanted to go to the gym today but I still feel some pain in the tendons in shoulders so I thought maybe 2 days of rest should be enough (I might need more though because of my restlessness)

Also just watched Undisputed 3 and 4 the other day, Scott Adkins is a real badass.

So that's it for now. Hopefully I get healthier soon, being sick is annoying. I think I'm gonna try to sleep again, not sure. Thanks for reading.

[BigPete247]

Ever tried protein, mithras?

[Zala]

Can it it be that our bodies are fighting this decision? Trying to make us feel sorry for ourselves? Like forcing us to give in and give ourselves a green light for special privileges, like we did when we were kids&sick.
Don't give in! You can get all of this stuff figured out later. Now it's your time to do 90 days detox of gaming!!

[iamthemithras]

‌@BigPete247 good thing you mentioned that pete. When I first started working out I went with a strict tuna diet for some time. I actually still have some, I guess i'll buy some bread at the grocery and go back to monitoring what I eat. I need to lose the belly fat, lol

[iamthemithras]

‌@Zala That's really interesting, I guess this is an uphill battle if our bodies will keep acting this way.

You're right, I want to keep in mind the reason why I started the 90 day detox in the first place to keep me grounded. Thanks for the support!

[BigPete247]

Here is one of the many recipes that you can try before you workout and after you finish sweating, don't overindulge though.

[iamthemithras]

‌@BigPete247 does this really have 49 g of protein?! I only know where to get the egg whites and the cookies for this thing lol.

And does it really taste like cookies and cream?

[iamthemithras]

It's been quite a while since I wrote on my journal here. Important things first: I didn't relapse.

Day 16 - 19

I was exhausted for most of the day again. I'm not even going to say more, it's just annoying at this point. After shift Saturday, I did nothing except relax the whole day watching anime. I even forgot to study Japanese, I lost my DuoLingo streak again but that's okay. I think I needed to unwind, I felt strangely anxious lately for some reason.

Maybe it's because I keep thinking I'm too old to have these kinds of interests. What kind of 24 year old wants to learn to draw? heh, maybe the kind that only knows how to play video games.

When I stopped playing video games, I instantaneously could do the things I always wanted to do but been putting off like studying Japanese again, watching the movies I’ve always wanted, etc. Cam Adair said that it was studied that it would take 90 days for a brain to heal from an addiction, to be normal again. For some people it could be longer, but I’m thinking that could it be possible that doing nothing except playing video games all day stunted not only my growth as a person but also decreased it? That I’ve become dumber over the years? Is it possible that my creativity as a person also dwindled because I was so used of media being created for me? Is it possible that over time my own creativity as a person will return or improve as my brain “heals”?

I want to channel my creativity again. I want to write. I want to draw. I want to create.

I sound like a five year old child.

But who can be more creative than children? And I was a child once.

I’m getting a little anxiety in wanting to do things I want, but maybe the solution for me is to be patient. Maybe, for all this lazying around that I’m doing, maybe the best skill I can learn is patience. I want to learn patience.

 

Cravings are especially strong on rest days. I actually have been screaming at home "Agh I want to play video games!" from time to time, and my little brother is like "Then go play!" then I go "No, I want to prove to myself I can stop for 90 days" which is good I guess, but I think I'm missing the point of this detox. The point is to have a life or at least other interests other than solely video games, at least that's what I'd like to think.

 

So I've decided to hone my skill at drawing again. It still sounds lame to me to say that, but I think I genuinely want to draw anime eventually. I may upload photos soon.

[Zala]

For some people it could be longer, but I’m thinking that could it be possible that doing nothing except playing video games all day stunted not only my growth as a person but also decreased it? That I’ve become dumber over the years? Is it possible that my creativity as a person also dwindled because I was so used of media being created for me? Is it possible that over time my own creativity as a person will return or improve as my brain “heals”?

I've actually read somewhere that if you get into drugs when you are (for example) 18 years old it affects your growth. Emotionally and mentally you stay at a level of 18. So if you are doing cocaine or suffer from alcohol addiction for 7 years, you won't be like a normal 25 year old young adult. But even with this kind of addictions there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It just takes some time. Your brain is a squishy, adjustable, resilient thing.
I think drawing is a good idea. If you don't like it, you can try something else. Sharing is caring . I'm sure lots of people will find your progress interesting .

[BigPete247]

‌@BigPete247 does this really have 49 g of protein?! I only know where to get the egg whites and the cookies for this thing lol.

And does it really taste like cookies and cream?

Yeah, if you make it right, XD, but there are other recipes on this guy's channel, i think there are some protein drink mixes on his channel too if you're not keen on cooking.

[giblets]

The latest podcast of the Inquiry talks about when you're playing games, you're in this limbo. While you are consuming content, you're not advancing at all, you're not learning, you're not training, you're not developing, you're just in stasis. This is exactly what you are talking about.

Now that you're not gaming, focus on living in the moment. You'll find your patience will develop quickly with this, as you are enjoying the moment rather than looking at everything as a distractor or people as slowing you down from getting back to your games. I thoroughly enjoy just spending time in the moment now, whether that is standing in a queue taking in my surroundings or just spending time with my family with no hidden agenda.

[Zala]

Maybe it's because I keep thinking I'm too old to have these kinds of interests. What kind of 24 year old wants to learn to draw? heh, maybe the kind that only knows how to play video games.

This actually kept me awake last night for a while. Exchange your 24 with mine 32. I guess we are a bit childlike, and we have a world of interests to choose from. I don't find it liberating, just strange and unromantic. Heh, I hope you will figure it out, because I'm not getting anywhere fast

[iamthemithras]

 ‌@giblets Thanks for the advice! I saw you recent entries in your journal and I think you're doing a great job living the moment. Reading it again, I actually had a hard time imagining you having problems with gaming. You and Vlad actually.

The Inquiry sounds interesting. I'm gonna try looking for their podcast. Currently I'm only listening to the Game Quitters podcast and the Art of Manliness.

‌@Zala Sorry for keeping you awake.

I guess we are a bit childlike, and we have a world of interests to choose from. I don't find it liberating, just strange and unromantic.

That's exactly right, all of a sudden there are so many things I want to do that I keep thinking I should've done when I was younger. I guess we both have some growing up to do.

To he honest, I never would've thought you were 32 years old and I mean that as a compliment. Maybe I have a misleading prejudice about how a 30 year should act, but I've been told a young heart is the best thing someone could have. At work, I know a very beautiful and very friendly woman and she's also 33.

[-n.g-]

haha you are not alone on the slacking front. Some days my brain just decides: nope and the weekend for me was a massive nope that I gave into. I also lost my duolingo streak too. 

Edited September 4, 2017 by -n.g-

[Zala]

I would say I'm very immature for my age. But hell ... at least I will die young(er) right?

 

I hope you are doing ok. Maybe you just have a lot to do ...

[BigPete247]

 ‌@giblets Thanks for the advice! I saw you recent entries in your journal and I think you're doing a great job living the moment. Reading it again, I actually had a hard time imagining you having problems with gaming. You and Vlad actually.

The Inquiry sounds interesting. I'm gonna try looking for their podcast. Currently I'm only listening to the Game Quitters podcast and the Art of Manliness.

‌@Zala Sorry for keeping you awake.

I guess we are a bit childlike, and we have a world of interests to choose from. I don't find it liberating, just strange and unromantic.

That's exactly right, all of a sudden there are so many things I want to do that I keep thinking I should've done when I was younger. I guess we both have some growing up to do.

To he honest, I never would've thought you were 32 years old and I mean that as a compliment. Maybe I have a misleading prejudice about how a 30 year should act, but I've been told a young heart is the best thing someone could have. At work, I know a very beautiful and very friendly woman and she's also 33.

Only if you know how to act, just my two cents