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iamthemithras

Mithras' Journal

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Day 20 - 25

So it's been 25 days with no video games. Who would've ever thought I'd be here?

I'd like to say thanks to those whose been keeping up with my progress, and I want to explain why I've been away again. It's been a tiring week because all of a sudden we were kicked out of our apartment - the shithole we've been trying to keep afloat of. It happened shortly before I was going to work, the landlady suddenly cut off our electricity and wanted us out.

Sometimes you forget that there are truly despicable people out there.

It turned out we were actually behind on our payment on our electricity bill - I had no idea, my mom doesn't tell me anything about our expenses even though I help a lot with the money. The actual rent we've got 6 months deposit of, but there's no negotiating with a greedy bitch. "Owe me electricity? I take away electricity"

It's very hot in the evening with no air conditioning so my family had to sleep in the heat. I work the graveyard shift so while I was at work the rest of my family were trying to sleep off the anxiety, wondering what to do next. It tore my mom into tears. I can never forgive the cunt that did this.

I think I remember us owing the bitch 9000 pesos or so for the single month. That's how expensive our electricity is, it's higher than the rent and the water bill combined. The reason for this, apparently, is because we live in a commercial zone near the mall (nevermind that we were in a subdivision) and our rate is 18 pesos per kwh. I guess it's a good thing we were out of that dump, evil bitch was bleeding us dry.

Luckily for us, we have a relative nearby and they have a pickup we can use to haul our things. I lifted all our furniture with my brother's help and we've just finished packing things up in their place. While on the process of moving, the landlady had the audacity of charging us a 150 pesos "moving out fee" so the guards at the gate can let us move out, can you believe that? Good thing her brother who was also our neighbor intervened and told us to not pay it. He had no idea we were thrown out and apologized to us. I've known him for a while and he seemed to be a good guy, I wonder if they're really related. I hope our previous landlady rot in hell for eternity, and may the devil gaze upon her soul.

I don't know when we'll be looking for a new apartment. We might be staying here for a while, I don't know. I'm a bit at odds with staying here because while we don't have to pay absurd amount of cash, my relatives are dog lovers and I fucking hate animals - especially animals that bark at you for no reason. One already gnawed at my pants, I wanted to kick it but it's going to piss people off in the household and that's not good for someone depending on them to live.

I estimate that life will get a little bit better soon, but boy am I exhausted.

Today is my rest day, but I have plans. A chick at work invited me to a party and that's where I'm headed later but it's not all fun and games, earlier at work our managers needed volunteers for rest day overtime this weekend (a rare thing in our account) and took the opportunity because I need serious cash. So sometime in the party I'll be heading over back to work - both things I would've never done had I not start the detox.

I'm still amazed at how much I've been missing all this time because of video games.

It's good to end the journal in a good note, a rare thing. Hope to interact with you guys more.

 

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I'm not "liking" your situation. Just sending you a couple of likes to give you a boost. This is just a terrible situation. And you&your family handled it really good. You were quick. I can't imagine moving out in such a short time. And yes, I can't believe, you had to do that!! Don't you have any rights? Do you have enough room where you are staying at he moment? Is it a house? Close to where you work?

I hope you get this resolved in some way or the other, it's hard to stay with relatives ...Sometimes it helps, if you can talk/write about your problems. Even if it's just a couple of sentences ...

On a positive note: how was the party?

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Me again, still thinking of how you are doing with all of these lemons life has given you. What a stupid thing to say, I know. But I do hope you are ok..

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On 11/3/2017 at 3:10 AM, Zala said:

Me again, still thinking of how you are doing with all of these lemons life has given you. What a stupid thing to say, I know. But I do hope you are ok..

Sorry for not keeping in touch. How are you? I think I just checked your journal but I'm not sure, the last post was back in December about managing two jobs. Hope you're okay too. I relapsed but I'm thinking of starting over

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Attempt 2

Day 1 - March 19, 2018

Here I am starting my journal again. Let's do this.

Basically I relapsed because of stress. After that, I thought I'd rather not bother with the no video games ever rule any more and just enjoy life with video games again and not lose my passion. It was okay at first until there came a high point of stress in my life again and I'm depressed again. Next thing I know, I'm playing an online game all-day, having irregular sleep, and feeling like shit. I know I'm addicted and the best option is to rethink my life and my relationship with video games.

I made a longer post at the Relapse board, but I'd rather not write everything again. I can only be so willing to write after a while.

At the end of writing it all, I remember thinking how lame my goals actually are. I still think it's lame to be honest, but a random poster from tinybuddha.com saved me.

Dear reader, I'd like to share something with you real quick:

https://tinybuddha.com/topic/think-i-am-giving-up-on-my-dream-and-feeling-lost-and-like-a-failure/

I stumbled upon this post because while I know what my dream is, I feel like it's pretty lame and was searching google and found this. It's a great post, the OP is devastated because to sum it up he basically spent half of his life to work in the games industry as an artist but feel like he has nothing to show for it right now and feel like giving up on it. At first, the replies are pretty negative and some I feel are pretty useless and only made so the person replying sounds wise and mysterious - not really helpful at all but there were a few that I like and one that really struck me. It's the reply from lirik and I like it very much.

It's the second to the last reply and I think this was what the OP was looking for, because it struck me. I almost want to copy and paste his entire response here.

Bottom line of what I got from his response is we shouldn't give up on a dream no matter what it is and no matter why - it's too precious, the truth of the matter is not everyone has a dream. Not a lot of people know the feeling of the certainty of having a goal or dream - of actually knowing what you want. So don't give up on it. It's you and yours alone. Don't let anyone think that your dream is not worth it - ESPECIALLY YOU.

lirik said 

Quote

And don't EVER be ashamed of having a dream, at any age. Everyone WANTS what you have, everyone WANTS to be us and have that feeling.

You had your dream for a reason.

I love it. It's what exactly what I wanted to hear. lirik, where ever you are, thank you. I did a quick research on him and that post right there is his single post in all of tinybuddha. Searching his name through google gave me results of a similar named Twitch streamer who doesn't appear to be him as there's an age gap.

lirik, you posted that when you were 29 years old back in 2015. You're 32 now. I hope life's been good to you, and I want you to know you've inspired me. I can't thank you enough.

I'm going to believe in my dream again. My goals again, and I'm not gonna let myself say how lame it is ever again.

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Welcome back. I've been in relapse over the past half year and have only come back recently myself, so I can empathize.

It's good that Tiny Buddha has you inspired. That site has plenty of things that picked me back up as well. And with the second wind you have gained now, I wholeheartedly believe you can do it.

Dreams can only die when we do and they are forgotten; so long as we live they have a chance to grow and flourish.

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@Pierce

Thanks for having me! It's great to meet you and see someone else who also recently came back.

Thank you! I'm glad to hear that you believe I can do it, haha. It is awesome in a way that as long as we don't forget our dream we can still grow and flourish.

I also picked up a habit of listening to great motivational speakers like Eric Thomas, Zig Ziglar, Earl Nightingale. Right now I'm loving listening to ET.

I really think I can do this, thank you very much!

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Day 3 - March 21, 2018

4 AM

After work yesterday, I went straight to the gym and did all my sets to failure as usual. The highlight yesterday was I am now able to bench press 4-5 reps of two 50 lbs dumbells. I'll be sure to bump the weight to maybe 60 lbs after I am able to do 10-12 in the future. This is a good sign because last time I tried two 50s on the bench I can only do one. After gym, I took a haircut and the stylist was a real funny guy. I keep thinking if he was in the same line of work as me as a call center representative, he'd be really successful (then again, I think I remember that being a stylist makes a lot of money - more than I do at least)

One thing to mention is I'm getting withdrawal head aches again. I forgot that this happened to me the first time I quit gaming too, the headaches are real bad. This is just after one day of no video games. I thought of sleeping it off the instant I got home will make it better but I'm still having the headaches now.

I remember thinking the same exact thing I first started the 90 day detox - as if the lingering temptation to game isn't enough, I actually have to experience sickness BECAUSE of not playing games. What the hell?

Anyway, like a migraine is going to actually tempt me to play again. On the contrary, it's making me want to actually not do anything and rest but this is annoying.

This is all I have to write at this time. Game addiction is a real addiction with real withdrawal. 

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The headaches are likely a psychosomatic effect, which is your body's way of pulling you back to your normal habits. I bet you'll feel a lot better after the first week.

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Thanks @Pierce and @Cam Adair! Just got back and my headaches are getting less painful and frequent. This is with no medicine, but drinking a lot of water and keeping with my workout routine.

Psychosomatic is right, it was driving me psycho. I'm better now though, I can roll with it better than the few days ago. I noticed the headaches tend to happen during my free time - Not during work and when I'm at the gym but when I'm at home and usually spending the time playing games like I used to.

It's definitely related to gaming.

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Day 6 - March 24, 2018 Saturday

11 AM

Great progress so far, accounting the headaches I experienced for the past few days.

I'm more consistent with my workouts - that is, I don't spend so much time "convincing" or "willing" myself to head to the gym during my gym days. There used to be all sort of negative thinking that's stopping me to go like thinking I'm not seeing progress anyway or thinking I'll never be as big as I want, etc. but lately I'm more excited to go to the gym than I used to and think of myself better - even in the presence of bigger guys at the gym. My mindset is more like "Well, sure those guys are much bigger and better looking than you but, dude, just screw that thinking and focus on your own reps. You'll be big too"

I've been listening to Eric Thomas a lot more and am currently committed to be an above-average person. I just love listening to ET, I feel like lately I've been hearing the shit that somebody needed to tell me - what I needed to tell myself, when I listen to him. I can see how I pampered myself and shirked away from the pain of being responsible for my own life. In one of his YouTube videos, he mentioned that you can't be Average and expect to live your dream, get paid to get rich, to be successful. He shared a story about his experience in Dubai where he met an indian man who can speak SIX languages! - he already knows english but he learned the other languages in 4 years. When asked why, he said it's the only way he could eat. Living as a foreigner in Dubai, you have to learn 4 other languages so he can work at the resort he was currently working at.

He learned 4 languages because he felt he had to. Right now I'm trying to learn ONE, and also right now I feel I HAVE TO.

Speaking of learning, I'm currently using an excellent learning tool for memorizing my kanas. It's highly interactive, and it does the intended effect of making me memorize and recall Katakana and Hiragana very quickly.

Days are good, all things considered. 

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Day 7 - March 25, 2018

10 AM

Nothing much to add yet except I am still on track with my language learning. Think I have a very good grasp on katakana and hiragana and am now just starting to study Kanji. Read some articles earlier to have an idea on how to proceed and am getting a book to help learn the 2200 kanji.

Life is great with a direction for once. To think I could've used my free time for something like this instead.

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Day 11 - March 29, 2018

6 PM

Not really posting so much as I don't spend as much time on the internet as I used to. My study tools are all offline and am only now just logged back in because I wanted to put on my journal here that I still am not playing video games although the temptation lately has been getting stronger, but not something to worry about.

There's really not much to mention except that. It's interesting that the less I have to say, the better things appear to be for me in general. I'm just going to be online for a few moments, today's my rest day and I don't have work until tomorrow evening.

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Day 18 - April 5, 2018

3 PM

Although I have not been playing video games, I noticed that I'm wasting a lot of my time on recreation - but still not as much when I solely played games. I'm still working on my language learning and illustration. It's not bad. I picked up a great book on how to improve drawing anatomy - for some reason I never liked drawing with guidelines (which I know is really stupid) but I'm really really warming up to it. 

I'm also currently working again on a fan fiction I sort of abandoned years ago. Lately it was just bothering me that I left it unfinished, I feel like I owe it to myself and the people who enjoyed reading it to see it to the end so I'm making another chapter of it.

My birthday's coming up. I'll be 25 this April 9. I really don't want to think about it, but I still feel disappointed in myself as a 25 year old. I expected I'd amount to more at this age, but at least I'm taking care of that now, right? let's keep working on our dreams whatever they are.

That's it for now. Wow, 18 days with no video games can you believe that? It feels like it just flew.

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Day 21 - April 16

5:30 PM

Wow, it's been 21 days with no video games. It's really great that I'm not still not having urges to play again (I'm actually to start think that video games are a waste of my time!) although the headaches still tend to come every now and then.

Celebrated by birthday back in April 9. I'm 25 now. It made me depressed to be honest. I remember wishing when I was younger that I would be more successful at this age.

But then I started watching videos of Les Brown again, and let me tell you I am so thankful to this man. He truly is the motivator. This man is making me believe in myself.

I'm still critical of myself - from time to time I still think of myself If I had decided to get my life in order when I was MUCH younger I should've been a success by now. I won't be broke and still chasing childhood dreams.

I realize that I have to forgive myself.

How I wasted my life for 24 years is all past. I need to forgive myself for doing such a thing.

How did I acquire this negative subconscious? Why do I hate myself so much?

I've written down a quote Les said from one of his videos:

Quote

Monitor your inner conversation, talk to yourself, encourage yourself, build yourself up. Sometimes, the only good things you will hear about you are what you say to you. Start saying I can do this, I can make this happen.

I don't remember which video it is, but it's great that I had the mind to take down notes when he speaks.

Right now I don't have much, and that's how I see it. I don't have money, I don't have a relationship, I don't have internet (I'm always going to computer cafes for internet) I don't have a fulfilling job and fulfilling current situation in life.

All I have are my dreams and desire for a better life.

I tend to put myself down time and time again - but I also lift myself up right after. Maybe this is a great direction, and I want it to lead where I'm only encouraging myself every day.

Right now I remember a line Les keeps asking his audience to repeat:

No matter how bad it is, no matter how bad it gets, I'm going to make it.

I'm going to make it!

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There's an issue with this website that it keeps logging me out from time to time.

The bigger issue is that when it does this, it doesn't post my journal entry that I have been typing for hours! 

I don't know who designed it but thank you whoever made the site to restore posts that haven't been posted yet.

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Day 29 - April 24

8 PM

So far doing great, not getting any cravings any more. I'm actually set on my goals this time - I'm getting better at drawing, still improving but it's much better than before.

I got it in my head that I should listen to motivational tapes/videos everyday and I'm enjoying listening to Les brown a lot lately - his words are an inspiration for me.

Many times I still have a negative mindset but I'm starting to become more confident and happier. Choosing to be positive and happy became a lot easier by choosing to hear positive messages everyday - now I believe that listening to motivation everyday actually works. I recommend to my fellow game quitters to try this practice, it really helps a lot! Faith comes by hearing and hearing, Les Brown said.

I'm about 1/3 of my no gaming detox! Awesome!

 

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