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Kill it with Fire and Brimstone!


-n.g-
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Hey I am job hunting also and I found it really helpful to let other people (mainly my wife) look over it. If you want you could surely black out your private data and post it here. THen people could give you feedback. Just a suggestion which popped into my mind reading about it.

Best of luck with your medical problems. Good job on sorting them out. 

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Hey I am job hunting also and I found it really helpful to let other people (mainly my wife) look over it. If you want you could surely black out your private data and post it here. THen people could give you feedback. Just a suggestion which popped into my mind reading about it.

Best of luck with your medical problems. Good job on sorting them out. 

I suppose, its already up on some jobsites and I am no good at these things. I have cut out the top bit with my name/contact details.

cv.thumb.png.70958287703f25c19a41bec9dcf

 

I am still tweaking it after re-reading it again. I still dislike it.

 

Applied for another bunch of jobs.

Edited by -n.g-
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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 64

8.30am

My brain feels like its been through a tumble dryer. The pills have completely scrambled my thinking again. The urges were back because I didn't know what I was doing. It has further compounded my insomnia and I can barely remember what I am supposed to be doing. It has become a little bit better over the past few days but the side effects hit me like a speeding train, libido was dead and dry mouth and for the first few days tingling tremors. 

I have had to miss another appointment because I cannot even find my travel card and my room is a mess again. I could barely get through the answer machine without a stutter. So over the past few weeks haven't been able to do much, I cannot even remember what I did. My body felt like it didn't want to do anything and it didn't help that I went back to a disjointed eating pattern again.

 

Oh yes I got my CV completely cleaned up, thats about it.

Encouragement from friends

I'm afraid I can not think of any up sides at the moment other than hope that it will all pass over. 

I have two more pills left and will prolly get another appointment next week. I need a lie down.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 72

 

8.19pm

Bought a bike yesterday, had to go all the way to the other side of the city to get it. got a train to liverpool street and cycled home which took 3-4ish hours. I haven't properly cycled in at least 5 years and the lack of exercise for a year was painful. My body is aching and still recovering from it but I have to say I am happy I done it.

Only slight dampener was not haggling it down further, though I suppose thats just the result of not getting out and meeting people enough. The other was receiving some racial epithets from someone outside the station. Had headphones in so didn't hear much of it. Some times I do feel like throwing stuff back at them but its just too much trouble. I have accepted not bothering with people off the street.

I intend to use the bike in the mornings. First I need to reduce the seat height and add reflectors and lights. I stopped taking the pills, the side effects were really affecting my sleep and I am only just being able to function normally again. I'll leave it for another time.

Got my laptop back, they also tightened the hinges which is nice, free repair and all so I didn't need to spend a penny.

I have asked a friend to start a get together at some point. It would welcome to get back to finding the upside from my past. I have also started to talk to more people from my university too. I am hoping to get back soon.

I still cannot look at my family. A mixture of shame and anger at them, I need to get away from them but I need to complete my studies and get a job first.

Gone back to cycling

Having another small project to do, getting the bike ready

feeling like I have made some more progress.

 

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Day 77

9:31am

couldn't sleep so went cycling this morning. I had to wait a bit to get all the accessories like headlights to be delivered because the days are short and I knew that the sun rise around later than when I want to wake up. I feel better now. but my poor sleeping is still destroyed. I tried allnighters, still nothing. 

The tinnitus is down to a bunged up sinus, which I have had since forever. So I will be needing to get some sprays for it. I have also been taking vitamins, vitamins c, d and multi vitamin tablets so now my health is just above rock bottom. I am hoping to make cycling a daily thing to replace the walking. cycled for 2ish hours, goal is to get up the hill where I live without having to stop at the top. I also want to be more confident enough to cycle to Greenwich. I will not be taking major routes as the city really is a giant deathtrap for cyclists.

I finally got over my fear of writing to my tutors to ask if I can rejoin university. I had to pause job searching because it was making me feel down but am now back, I am just not sure what days I can do assuming I do get back to university earlier than normal.

I need a short rest then I need to clean my room again, its built up some junk over time. Oh did I mention I ditched the pills? the side effects were so bad I couldn't keep up with it. I am looking at some other... alternate forms to help me get over anxiety attacks in large crowded places (I am seriously terrified ever time I get on the train in rush hour) and low mood. Its not so much a funk as much as feeling down every day. Still I am getting fewer suicidal thoughts, still don't have faith in counselling service offered but don't have the cash to go private.

 

more goals

exercise

watching the sun rise

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Read the first post and the last page of your journal so far, and I was about to say that you should get some counseling as well since people don't isolate themselves for no reason. In my case, I lived online for a year and a half with only occasional excursions outside. I have an idea about what you're going through, so it's really important that you get the best possible support system you can get. Gamequitters is great, but the emphasis has to be in meatspace.

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Read the first post and the last page of your journal so far, and I was about to say that you should get some counseling as well since people don't isolate themselves for no reason. In my case, I lived online for a year and a half with only occasional excursions outside. I have an idea about what you're going through, so it's really important that you get the best possible support system you can get. Gamequitters is great, but the emphasis has to be in meatspace.

Somewhere in the middle I talked about them trying to rip me from my bedroom for no apparent reason causing injuries. Thats why I don't want to go back to them, I was hoping to get a job and restart my studies as a means of using the university counselling service or pay a private counsellor, at the moment I am just waiting for a reply from my tutors to see if I can restart it which would give me a routine over the day and I can plan work hours and activities around that. 

Wait times for the mental health services on the NHS are awful anyway, 3- 6months+ to get anywhere because unfortunately its so poorly funded.

I use the forums for the journal as a sort of personal vent so much as for meeting, which is why I am not overly active only really drop in before and just after starting another entry. Rest of the time I am listening to podcasts and youtube videos. I have since cut down the amount of time I spend on the screen, though since trying different drugs that my doctor prescribed it has thrown off my sleep pattern once more and I am simply not fit enough to recover quickly from it, so that is why I got a bike to replace the walking.

I have written plenty in private but am simply uncomfortable with releasing some of it because the details some things that are too painful to look back on but just needed to be written down. 

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Day 79

5:54 am

I have been thinking about how poor I was at being able to compartmentalise games. Last night I caught myself watching game related stuff. I am fortunately/unfortunately a completionist deep down. I have realised that it has followed me throughout my life. If I want something I think about it a lot. Thing is, its the thing I most want where I do this and everything else takes a backseat. Games have a habit of pulling you in, you cannot fault the designers for doing their job but man are the feelings are strong. I hate feeling unsatisfied with not finishing it. This is why I have told myself that I simply cannot pick up a video game again. 

Coming from a migrant family we never relied on others much. I never had a strong community support base. I am Chinese and English, but I never really had a network of people I could rely upon. The Chinese community in the UK is not like it was previously, before they used to try to sell you Christianity, which was always going to be a no-go for me and my family. I used to see myself as English and often tried to go against my other self. There are definitely things I have thought and actions I have done that were not English in mindset. I think now is the time to settle into my Chinese self. I am the oldest son on my father's side, I find that it is still to some extent quite patriarchal and I was always going to be brought up and conditioned to inherit the family's legacy. I think that this is something that has had a stronger pull on me than it has ever done on my sisters, and I didn't even realise it. 

Anyway, now I am off to learn some french and go cycling.

Cheers for listening. This morning I will be off to cycle around, the goal would be to cycle to the place I used to go sailing and also to a local park that I haven't visited in years that is a gem in the city. I'll be shooting off another email and then reading some more. I am hoping to find a local quiet place I can cycle to and work in. The gentrification of the city has brought the upside of a range of local establishments that cater to a range of people.

  

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Read the first post and the last page of your journal so far, and I was about to say that you should get some counseling as well since people don't isolate themselves for no reason. In my case, I lived online for a year and a half with only occasional excursions outside. I have an idea about what you're going through, so it's really important that you get the best possible support system you can get. Gamequitters is great, but the emphasis has to be in meatspace.

Somewhere in the middle I talked about them trying to rip me from my bedroom for no apparent reason causing injuries. Thats why I don't want to go back to them, I was hoping to get a job and restart my studies as a means of using the university counselling service or pay a private counsellor, at the moment I am just waiting for a reply from my tutors to see if I can restart it which would give me a routine over the day and I can plan work hours and activities around that. 

Wait times for the mental health services on the NHS are awful anyway, 3- 6months+ to get anywhere because unfortunately its so poorly funded.

I use the forums for the journal as a sort of personal vent so much as for meeting, which is why I am not overly active only really drop in before and just after starting another entry. Rest of the time I am listening to podcasts and youtube videos. I have since cut down the amount of time I spend on the screen, though since trying different drugs that my doctor prescribed it has thrown off my sleep pattern once more and I am simply not fit enough to recover quickly from it, so that is why I got a bike to replace the walking.

I have written plenty in private but am simply uncomfortable with releasing some of it because the details some things that are too painful to look back on but just needed to be written down. 

Oh ok, I'll comment more on that when I read your entire journal then. I have to add that it's always interesting to read a native speaker form the UK since your approach to the language is different than that of Americans. I may end up having to look a word or two up :p.

(But if I understand you correctly, they were attempting to forcibly hospitalize you? I'm not sure what kind of injuries are you referring to.)

It's incredibly important that you start some kind of process that will lead you to understand more about why you isolated yourself like that. After you gain some sort of relevant insight, you can then work through it and move on. I don't think meds can help you with that - you say you're not suicidal (and you don't sound like you are either), so there's no immediate need for drugs, imo.

I'm sure all this obvious to you though, so my main point would be that you might benefit from sharing those things that you've written down and find painful. You are, after all, completely anonymous, and the reality is that people write down all kinds of stuff in their journals, including things that are really out there (like I have recently), and they still get meaningful responses.

PS: Since you mentioned that you listen to a lot o podcasts, I'd like to suggest you check out the following two youtubers:

Stephan Molyneux - libertarian philosopher covering current events, popular culture, and philosophical concepts.

Styxhexenhammer666 - also libertarian vlogger currently covering a lot of US politics, but also has a lot of content on various topics regarding occultism and religion (he's an ex-satanist).

(This is just a reference; I don't expect you to watch their videos straight away and comment on them extensively.)

Edited by Marquess
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(But if I understand you correctly, they were attempting to forcibly hospitalize you? I'm not sure what kind of injuries are you referring to.)

It's incredibly important that you start some kind of process that will lead you to understand more about why you isolated yourself like that. After you gain some sort of relevant insight, you can then work through it and move on. I don't think meds can help you with that - you say you're not suicidal (and you don't sound like you are either), so there's no immediate need for drugs, imo.

I'm sure all this obvious to you though, so my main point would be that you might benefit from sharing those things that you've written down and find painful. You are, after all, completely anonymous, and the reality is that people write down all kinds of stuff in their journals, including things that are really out there (like I have recently), and they still get meaningful responses.

PS: Since you mentioned that you listen to a lot o podcasts, I'd like to suggest you check out the following two youtubers:

Stephan Molyneux - libertarian philosopher covering current events, popular culture, and philosophical concepts.

Styxhexenhammer666 - also libertarian vlogger currently covering a lot of US politics, but also has a lot of content on various topics regarding occultism and religion (he's an ex-satanist).

(This is just a reference; I don't expect you to watch their videos straight away and comment on them extensively.)

I think I have some understanding as to why, though yes I do need help. I have needed the drugs because I was and still to get suicidal thoughts, just less so, when there is no reason to wake up in the mornings it just gets worse. I have tried about 3 types and so far the side effects have hit me like a brick, this might to do with having littler to no exercise so the effects are awful. My body went from doing a lot of exercise when I was younger to none at all so that would have magnified the effects. It will take me at least 1.5 years to get back to the fitness I was as a teenager.

I know I am anonymous and it does sound silly, but some things are just better sharing later I have realised. I said I would be honest about it all at the start and I will release it once I have summoned up the courage to read it again and edit it. 

 

 

Concerning podcasts, I have been listening to things mostly unrelated to politics which at the moment, especially online and especially about the US; which has very little to do with my situation. I think it has all gone rather out of hand and entrenched in dogma regardless of political affiliation, though I try to keep an open mind for most people's views.

I will say this though, the two skills to understanding it all, all of it; is firstly:

To be able to zoom right out and back in again at will. There are always far greater patterns and undercurrents affecting the details in all decisions made. I find that whatever a person posits regardless of their qualifications; they are almost always not thinking large enough. It is something I think few, including myself like to hear. Sometimes it will click later on,other times it never does, we are not perfect after all.

The second is to not give much of a shit. That is something that I do not think I have fully internalised.

Consequently, I have ditched most political news and views form whomever and wherever because it plays to our strongest and most impulsive of emotions-usually negative, it gets us hooked* and I see that as an unhealthy habit.

I find that it makes me less creative because my mind is locked on to a needless distraction and takes me away from my immediate position rather than to help me tackle it. It leads to little in the way of productivity because I am right now in no state to become politician or activist and there is realistically nothing I can do at the moment to affect any kind of political discourse. That isn't to say I am unaware, moreover; I am aware enough to know not to care about it.

They say that ignorance is bliss and I cannot lie it is. I suppose you could call it wilful ignorance, I do not think so and in any case I do feel happier as a result. 

Instead I have mainly been listening to the Gamequitters podcasts, audiobooks and mainly scientific essays on misery and memory as well as catching up on satirical fiction like the Illuminatus trilogy because we all need a laugh at the silliness of this world. I have been listening to lectures from the RI, AEI, RA, RIBA, AI (I am too lazy to type out their full names) as well as edutainment like braincraft which has been getting me interested in things I knew about. I have also been listening to CGP Grey's podcasts. The only two things I read that are news are both from design and art related websites like Dezeen and the occasional podcast from the Economist. I followed sailing related podcasts as means of keeping me on track to my ultimate goal of sailing around the world but found that this was a goal too far into the future putting too much emphasis on. 

I have been going back to the book How to Be Miserable by Randy J Paterson as a means of helping me identify and solve are number of poor habits are I do, however; there are a few major conundrums that I do need external help with, none if which can be provided here. 

 

Ultimately I have become a lot more wary about what I consume. Ripping a quote off my favourite author, Terry Pratchett: "The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it"-which in other words means, please don't listen to my opinions, I am no authority on any matter after all.

 

But yes, cheers for the suggestions

 

*which reminds me to read Hooked by Nir Eyal

Edited by -n.g-
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Day 80

8:40am

 

Cycled for about an hour this morning listening to some tunes. Will be reading some more french.

Yesterday I got emails to come in and see my tutors on the 7th November. They said it is likely that I am going to have restart next year. I have been in and out of study since I was 18. I want to preferably get through university before the age of 25. Though they may be half way through the first half of the semester I will see if I can drum up the strength and concentration to catch up. Once I get that meeting I can start setting out a full routine and tailor a job around it. 

At this point the tally is just a tally, I will be glad to have gotten through the 90 days, but it is just the start. Thanks @Cam Adair for setting up this place, youtube channel and the podcasts. Did I thank you before? Eh another time doesn't go amiss.

 

Music while biking,

Fresh air

Water

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 89

 

12. 25pm 

For a couple days now I have been thinking about regret. I think there is regret, then it proceeds on to disappointment and that proceeds forth into lessons learned. Regret is wishing you did something and every time you think about that moment, you tell yourself, what would I have done differently? If I did that this, then that event would not have happened. Perhaps, in most scenarios I reckon the chances would be quite high. 

I don't believe in fate per se, I do believe in mindset. A negative mindset has a tendency to attract negative events, fuelled by apathy and negative emotions from others however small. I think that we are much more sensitive to the environment around us than we imagine and so things we carry in minds will affect our patterns, I think that is unstoppable, not even a compulsive liar or an actor can truly put on a complete mask of a different person-a character is an identity which is just a fragment of a persona which makes up a person.

I think that this forms the basis for regret. The result is that if I feel doom and heavy guilt, which is regret.

Disappointment is getting over this hurdle and accepting that what is done is done, this is better said than done. The more serious the situation, the longer it takes for every corner of my mind to realise it. At the end of it I am merely disappointed that I didn’t think differently or otherwise, there is no “perhaps this would have happened” scenario running through my mind. There is nothing to do, let it go.

Lessons learned or acceptance is refocusing one’s self. How to reframe the situation, what lessons can I draw from the event? That is a difficult thing to do sometimes because I do not know where to begin in answering that. The fewer opportunities I have to change a situation, the harder it is, the more likely I am to slip back into regret,  the cycle repeats itself.

What I do know is that instead of saying “If I had not done event A...” it would be wiser to ask myself what the underlying causes are, I think that the reasons we do things are affected by a far greater set of events than we imagined, What are the greater underlying trends in our behaviour and where does it derive itself from?

Anyway,

I have arranged to see my tutors tomorrow. I am still finding jobs, but I am hoping I can land a job at the art store opposite my university. I will be renting a fold up bike to get to university next time, which should cut my travel time by 20 minutes. I will be making an effort to email ceo’s for internships (google/linkdin- wonderful search engines on them). I recently rediscovered the name of an illustrator who first got me interested in drawing (I am still doing that btw) and sent him a thank you note.

I managed to cycle ride to a recreation ground I used to visit as a teenager and did a few rounds there.

I have almost hit 90 and for all the goals, this has been a slog to get to with lots of ups and downs and thinking.

Anyway, I have got to eat.

Salut

Warm water,

Morning frost

The time spent alone

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 98

11.48 am

So yes i went to see the course leader who told me I had to apply next year. He was adamant about it so I will be applying next year. in the meant time I have manage to secure an internship with a previous tutor although it is an probably going to be an unpaid part time position-still something is better than nothing. That goal of setting up my own studio one day has gotten a little closer. I will start on the 1st of December. I have also been invited to view a review of people's work to keep me interested in the course and will be turning up at a networking event run by my school.

I have applied to more jobs and have changed my cv again. 

Applied for universal credit scheme seeing as I am out of job. It does feel somewhat soul crushing and that I don't deserve it, but I need the cash for the food/train fares etc etc. At least I get something and I am in a better position than others.

My sleep has been getting better although now I feel like have woken up in a different time zone. Untitled.thumb.png.12183df13e5f3723e6bcd10d6767a212.png

 

Also snapped this on a morning ride around. I bought some card and will be learning again to make models from them. I am hoping to post them later on.

Here is some advice mainly as a record to remind myself on here:

 

This is a long and ongoing project, don't expect miracles within a couple days, weeks or months.

Don't aim to be permanently happy but instead aim to be slightly happier than average.

Write down your goals and repeat them everyday, a strange thing happens and you start to believe it over time.

Write down your problems and order them in magnitude, if no solution can be found, do nothing. If people can not be reasoned with, cut them out-no one has is perfect but when it gets that bad, self preservation is a far more effective approach. I wish I had the power to find positive solutions to everything but I quite simply don't. I have has problems with family and I have written things down. I said I would be honest and try to give people everything, but after writing it out I felt better and don't wish to give people a long rambling story of self pity as I am better than that.

Exercise. doesn't need to be hard, just a walk for 5-10 minutes in the mornings when the sun rises is all. You just need something to do while you think.

Eat well. You don't need to go vegan (in any case the diet just doesn't agree with my body), completely cut out you vices or going on a gut busting diet if you do not feel like it, just eat healthy. 5-a-day, and cut down on the sugar and the caffeine, the come down from too much of both is actually quite bad.

Don't take the world too seriously, take the plug out and realise the silliness in life and society. Our cave people brains are poorly adapted to the world we have built up in a relatively short period of time, don't beat yourself up about it.

Minimise screen time, this was a hard one because you will ask yourself what to do next. You begin to take up hobbies is what you do.

You will try and you will try and though it may seem tiring you can always go that next step. Once you have broken through the barrier, keeping going and only take a glance back.

The relapses in previous years have been frequent and major by myself have been frequent, I could not moderate very well and it was the thought of playing that had clouded my judgement-I am still not free of it, but my head is clearer. I will not being picking up a game again.

I had, I would like to think mostly good experiences with online gaming friends, but now is the time to move on with my life. I said goodbye to a few.

 

I have had problems, some very serious ones that have resulted in me losing what amounts to 2 years of my life doing virtually nothing over one year periods. I was using gaming as a form of escapism and a means of giving me faux goals and achievements that were not beneficial to me in any way.

 I know it is easier said than done. But even one small positive change, one tiny change is enough to get the ball rolling. Use the time you have gained for self reflection, do not do so for the sake of doing otherwise you will still be miserable and you wouldn't know why.

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Day 120 check in

1.15pm

 

Wow 3 weeks off. 

Alrighty, life update:

I have since got in touch and have started a printing to earn some cash. 

I have gotten in touch with my old school who asked me to send an email regarding possible positions in jobs for a year and see how they go.

I have also got an architecture internship (unpaid but expenses covered) for the moment to get me doing something and give me something to work around. This far better than attempting to go on the dole though the workers their did give me links to places to work out of pity.

No gaming still. I have had the urge to do so a few times because some of the people I am working with are.... doing an exhibition on video games and the man I said prints to still plays games. Dunno how he does it but I cannot.

I still feel bouts of disappointment about the direction my life went in, especially waking up the nights. But I have since decided that I want to become a model maker and work in a business my extended family has making palm oil. I am altogether happier and feel more at peace with what I am doing though I haven't been feeling festive.

I hope to tell you next year that I have pulled myself from the rocks. University course that I joined has been suffering from severe funding cuts. Given the amount of cash I am putting in to it I'll be making plans in 2 years to spend my last year at a more prestigious and better funded institution with a better building and facilities simply because-and I hate to say this- its I can no longer see the value vs investment in going to a university who's financial constraints will be hurting my development in the future. 10 hours contact time simply doesn't cut it. I did not use the building or the workshop as its just not a good work environment any more. 

I would have never thought to make decisions like this 6 months ago. 

I once had a goal of being in a secure place before 25. That will unlikely happen. This bothers me less and less, at the end of the day I cannot change what has happened and nor should I think to. I want to say one day that if death were to come for me tomorrow< i would happy having looked back with pride on things I have done which I haven't felt in a while. I don't want to be recognised or remembered. There is no point, a million years in to the future the discoveries we revere today will be another footnote. I think I would rather get through a modest life happy at myself than anything else. I suppose you could say it is a happy nihilism of a sort. I have no idea what is on the other side of life but I don't care. I happy with the unknown. I think more people should be happy not knowing and take things as they come along.

Anyway enough of my rambling, I should cook lunch and start doing some emails. if I have any time I will be doing a set of illustrations based around Oranges and Lemons which means slogging into the centre of the city again. Buying a fold up bike sounds like such a good idea now.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 135

 

6.57pm

hopefully. I downloaded a game partly as a gift to gaming buddies but mainly for two things:1, I am doing business with someone who plays that game regularly, so hopefully this one time will stop them from mentioning it in every exchange. 2, I am testing myself. I already have a feeling I won't really *enjoy* it much. I think I'll enjoy the company but that is it. 

anyhoo this post is mainly to cement my position. I'll do a follow up afterwards. If ya don't hear from me by the New Year, you'll know I fucked up.

 

I should some of my current money making hobby work

 

IMG_0256.thumb.JPG.aa6dd618b23ed94f43e42a7424354f8d.JPGIMG_0255.thumb.JPG.4c45d04fa87b64a46691069676dcacc4.JPG

I have been illustrations based on the Oranges and Lemons rhyme. It will have some fancy italic writing of the lyrics in the background. I think I was too fast ion wanting to set things up early on. Now i feel more settled, I can do work again. So that us what I will be doing this Christmas. working on this project as well as reading Nir Eyal's hooked. I will also be providing feedback on student dissertations to earn some cash on the side too. 

oh yes, one mroe thing, I went back to book planners. I can't do it on a phone anymore.

Edited by -n.g-
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Second drawing (the street) gave me a very andalusian sensation, perhaps? Really good stuff man! 

I don't have issues with social gaming either, but I know that triggers me towards compulsive single-player. You can take a word of advice from one who hit his head against most of the walls or test it by yourself. To be fair, if I was in your shoes I'd test anyway. If you think it's best for you, go for it. Just come back to tell later no matter how it goes! ;)

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9 hours ago, Hitaru said:

Second drawing (the street) gave me a very andalusian sensation, perhaps? Really good stuff man! 

I don't have issues with social gaming either, but I know that triggers me towards compulsive single-player. You can take a word of advice from one who hit his head against most of the walls or test it by yourself. To be fair, if I was in your shoes I'd test anyway. If you think it's best for you, go for it. Just come back to tell later no matter how it goes! ;)

Pretty much as I expected... I didn't really enjoy it. the people I wanted to play weren't on but the inner completionist in me wanted to complete all the updates, etc etc. So I decided to give in to the screaming little voice this once. As you said, I got fed up of multiplayer and went straight to single player where I binged...badly, and I asked a friend to to tell me to stop after 3 games. 3 games became 6, then it became an aim to complete everything. Suddenly I had dumped 10+hours in to it but I was aware I was doing it. I was actively repulsed by it but at the same time the urge to finish it was just too much not to put down. Even though I have completed everything but not had the chance to see people, I am uninstalling it all over again. You were right, it was still worth a test.

 

Perhaps for end of year occasions I might crack it open, but I have better things to do now. It was the act of completing it all that drove me rather than any fun. I didn't gain much satisfaction from finishing it, especially remembering than none of this actually exists. I suppose the last thing I can do is sell off my inventory on my account, buy a game, refund it and have a bit more cash topped up, time to put the account to bed again. I am missing nothing, except sleep!

 

As for the drawings, I am actually going to go for a more polished version of the second one. Its actually London! I I am going for the simpler one because I think it would show up better in prints. the wording of the rhyme would be a lot clearer as it wouldn't have to compete with all the heavy shade tones. I just need to decide whether I want to straighten it out with a ruler or whether I want to keep it complete free hand. I'll be drawing a few more to see. back to drawing and reading again. Tomorrow I might venture out early on my bike to take pictures of the city lights if the train isn't working well.

empty car free city for the day

a new year and a new outlook

a renewed love of drawing

another book to keep me company

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Day 139

Back to resetting sleep pattern again after that game romp. Anyhoo, with some of the money I got from the internship I decided to buy some art materials as I get further to pen and ink drawing. I have been learning more on skillshare/youtube and subbed to reddit. I just got my first deliveries today and am hoping to get the really important one-containing some isograph pens after the disposables I have been using ran out-should come through in January. 

 

In the mean time my main things on the To Do list involves:

Learning line drawing on Adobe Illustrator by January 2nd (when my pens arrive).

Have all the 14 drawings of churches done and ready for shading

Learning lettering with wash pens/fountain pens on watercolour sketchpad by the end of January.

Sketching with the fountain pen. 

Replying to emails after new year.

Find new job to supplement me by the end of January.

 

Still, the game session killed me and fills like I am starting a again a bit, although its a bit easier to deal with it and I have a plan. 

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Drawing is an activity I would recommend to anyone. It can be both relaxing and challenging, you can see measurable progress in your skill, and it's really marketable when done right.

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Day 144

 

4pm->

Have been up all night enjoying the new year in a quiet, mundane way. Made myself a series of pencil pots out of card, I needed something to store all my newly amassed gear as well as reorganise my existing set as I had chucked out a lot (and will prolly chuck out even more). Sounds dull, but it was a nice way to get back in to model making out of paper again. I was thinking about how I could turn it in to something more multi functional like a lamp or a speaker but that might be a bit too far ahead. At the start of my journal I had an idea for making modular things but knew I needed to start physical model making. I suppose procrastination/reorganise my head space was needed to take shape before I could think about that.

 

Anyways, that has resulted in pushing back my schedule (which I have had to push back a little further more as I had underestimated the time it would take to set myself up) but at least now I can find things. However I have been filling my sketchbook with ideas to work towards. 

 

 

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My pens arrived earlier than expected so I will be trying those out when I am done building a portfolio of drawings with brushes and fountain pens.I have been really enjoying using ink. 

Goal of 2018:

To not things get in to my head, close my eyes and let it pass over me. 

Save up money

Stop dabbling

 

 

Achievements of 2017:

Gotten out of my mute state and room.

Organised an internship and done it. Being offered by my tutor a place to work if life pulls me far down the rabbit hole again.

Taken control of my finances.

Organised a day to go back to university.

Not having a routine with a balance of deviations to stop it from becoming boring and something to work towards and knowing it and feeling that it is futile, watching others float on by seems to be the definition of hell. 

Having things to hope for and work towards, having a flexible enough routine that I can work towards. Just having a reason to get out of bed.

Read books

cut down on junk food, started making different kinds of dishes

refocused outlook

prolly some other stuff I have forgotten. eh thats enough to keep me happy.

 

To do:

Close enough to clinch jobs so hopefully by February I have one.

Finish portfolio and practise technical drawing and sketching in city.

Learning more adobe suite/sketchup/autocad/revit (for BIM)/blender/unreal engine (for rendering) which should go nicely with my model making.

Continue fulfilling internship

Seems to be a lull in winter storms and chill so back to morning cycling.

Unpause and learn French in the mornings. Continue reading.

 

->4.09pm

 

I think should start a new thread for a new year too but keep the counter. 

Edited by -n.g-
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Day 146

 

6:20am

I wanted to go morning cycling?

 

Said it too soon. Another winter storm has arrived and brought 40-90 mph gusts... Yeah, not a good idea, especially in the darkness.

Edited by -n.g-
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