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So as per a tradition of mine I've named this post after another metal instrumental. This one is by In Flames and for me it is about the journey of life- the suffering and moments of bliss.

I'll get to the point now:


The purpose of this post is to share my reflections and what I have learned with everyone and celebrate my achievement

These have certainly been an eventful 3 months. At the start I was a child living in a echo chamber of instant gratification. I never looked deep into myself or into other people. I was constantly at the whim of my emotions and I partook in image crafting as my means of socialising. I was constantly comparing myself to other people and always distracting myself from myself and my fucked up life. I had aspirations -yes- but they were just a part of seeing past myself because I was never getting shit done. Videogames and porn were the main distractions. They were the stabilisers on my bike as I rode it through my early teenage years.

Now I've kicked off those stabilisers I'm falling every so often but with each fall I get stronger. I have not demolished my old self entirely; I still have a lot of maturing to do. But, thanks to taking the time away to look at myself; thanks to all the help from you guys I now have direction and I am beginning a journey towards my new self. To become a real man and the best version of myself.


With videogames  and porn no longer blinding me from negative aspects of my life I realised this: I had a bad past with my family and it had affected me after all. Long story short- I had a neglectful father. This resulted in a crippling fear of intimacy with others and the development of some shitty insecure 2nd rate ego.

I found out I was a talented and bright individual with a lot of potential but I needed to get shit done. The plague on my mind being that I would always be at the whim of fleeting emotions such as passion and would always jump from game to game and hobby to hobby to no avail.

I have gotten bigger muscles. I set myself a goal to do 100 pushups every day at one point and I have better upper body strength now.

I got a new haircut.

My taste in music is expanding from angry metal music.

I have taken up climbing and I am thinking about doing some sort of weight training. I have also made significant progression with my art.

My attitude towards women is changing. I am starting to get to know them more now.


  1. Always stay grounded. Life is full of ups and downs. You must never be caught up by emotions in victory or defeat and maintain the path of reason. The universe is chaotic in nature.
  2. The purpose of life is to feel a sense of purpose. If you were to try and rationalise a purpose to life you would become engulfed by nihilism. Humans are emotional beings and our emotional needs must be met as these reinforce our will to live.
  3. Pick something and do it. Ever started a new hobby and just given up because you weren't enjoying it anymore? I had that all the time but then I found out I just had to pick something and do the thing.
  4. Do the thing. This is my motto now. Forcing yourself to do something consistently is important- even if you don't feel like it.
  5. The body, mind and soul are all real things and they are all linked. At first I thought this was some retarded spiritual hippy meme but it's actually real. The soul is the body of emotion and it's what separates us from machines. Your soul can lead you all sorts of dumb places though; and so can your mind. So the two have to really work together and you have to listen to your innermost desire but fend off petty desires. Pushing yourself physically also makes you more determined. It is important to take care of your body by eating healthy and getting exercise so you wont feel depressed and have poor cognitive functions. Bioenergetics and meditation are great too. The mind is a muscle and meditation trains it.
  6. Life is a videogame and it's really really fun. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on videogames. But the reality is I am missing tons and tons of shit in the real world. The ultimate question is- do you value the world or reality or virtual reality to the same extent?
  7. Take opportunities to do shit whenever you can. If it turns out bad then you know. Can't bash it till you try it.
  8. A man spends his whole life learning. I haven't magically become my dream self yet. In fact- the dream self is a false ideal. When you climb a mountain do you stare at the summit and flop your arms and legs about aimlessly? No you get your head down and fucking climb. It's important to have vision but it's more important to focus on the struggle.
  9. Your ego is an important social tool but don't let it consume you! You have to be open and serious with people to reach a deeper level of understanding with them.
  10. My path is my own and is no greater than the next man's. As I said before: the purpose of life is to feel a sense of purpose. So my way of doing things is just my way of doing things and I shouldn't force that on other people. I am a lot more accepting of other people's beliefs now but I can't help but let my ego take hold sometimes. Just because I am saying shit here about how I do things that doesn't make it the handbook to life. Everyone has to find their own way. There is a chinese proverb: What I hear; I forget. What I see; I remember. What I do; I understand.

Even though I have said these are all lessons I have learned; I still need to improve myself massively and that is a good thing. What is bad is not having the vision.


So here ends 90 days and the first chapter of my struggle. Next one of these things will most likely be at the end of my 1000 days provided I'm still posting on here in 3 years time.


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