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Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog


Hitaru
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88 days. 

Feeling fine-ish. Today I'm receiving some good news. Aside from that, not much. I'll be back in my usual place by the day I hit 90 days. I think I'll organize something nice to celebrate with my pals this weekend. 

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89 days. 

Calm, happy, in my lane, etc etc. Still having heavy cravings but I'm safe so far, at least until the end of July. I've shared my worries about relapsing and disappointing my loved ones with them and that makes me feel a lot better. I must remember to keep asking for help. I would do the same things for them with no issue. 

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90 days! Yay! 

So, that's a second detox run done. I'll make another celebratory post in a bit. It doesn't feel like much of a victory tho, since I have 0 units of confidence in my ability to not relapse once my laptop is in my hands again. I know I've said this a lot of times and my insecurity is obnoxious, sorry. I just feel these days are something between a cheat and a training, and the real challenge will begin there.

My gut feeling is that I'll relapse for a while and then keep it under control again. But I want to do better. I want to be better. There won't be real improvement if I do the same old. If I really make an effort to avoid gaming with the tool for it in front of me, it will surely hurt a lot. I can imagine myself crying and relying on medication.

But that's where the real struggle will be. I'll need a good reason to keep going and it makes me very miserable to be aware that "care for my loved ones", "live by myself in my own terms", "finish my transition" or "discover new things that make me happy" are not good enough ones to keep me away from the fucking thing. 

Still, these 3 months I was able to keep up and commit to my therapy sessions, start medication, (almost) put in order important paperwork, write almost a hundred pages (22k words!) of various writings, reconnect with people from the past, fix a couple relationships, tie a bit better my security net, and give my future another honest round of thought, no matter if it hasn't arrived anywhere yet. Sure, I'm not at the level of a healthy person yet. But I was at a really low point. I kinda eat regularly now, if anything. 

I'm drained after writing this so I'll stop here for now. Let's keep the good times going. 

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Good job ! Be proud !

90 days are not enough to be perfect, and it wasn't the point. You did a lot during this short time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/8/2022 at 10:17 PM, Martinof said:

Good job ! Be proud !

90 days are not enough to be perfect, and it wasn't the point. You did a lot during this short time.

Yeah, I agree. 90 days is the adaptation period and I've done a lot of stuff to set me in the right direction. Just gotta remember what am I doing this for and what do I stand to both win and lose. 

 

100 days.

Cravings came, cravings left. It helped to share my thoughts and rationalize how gaming was both unhealthy and honestly not that rewarding. I am looking forward to start rehabilitating my body, hopefully it's not too late to avoid chronic pains and nuisances.

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  • 1 month later...

I relapsed hard during the whole of July taking advantage of my mother's laptop, but I was able to do the stuff I had to do. Medical appointments mostly, then I enrolled myself in school again. University in hiatus for the time being, this year's crazy idea is industrial maintenance training.

I'm confident being surrounded by gruff mechanics will do wonders to polish and refine my butch aesthetic and vibes (?). You know, some witty zingers to counter catcalls and rude comments, and sorely needed strength of arm. Good things overall, if I can pull myself through my social anxiety.

I've learned what I do is not that important. I've only have one short and arbitrary life, I'm not bound to find the objectively best profession, the ultimate calling. There are simply too many, naturally I won't be able to try the vast majority of them. Instead I just need to be competent at whatever I can land in and be satisfied enough with my job to pass this side of life's requirements. Also, I've already burned my biggest passions and I'm not fit to make a living out of them. They'll have to stay at side hobbies. Picking something I'm mildly interested in and finding an unexpected joy is the smart choice, I think. 

The last 4 days of July (approximately) I quit again in order to emotionally prepare to finally travel to my study place after a month of procrastination, pack 3 years worth of stuff and make the move back hometown. It was a real pain and I can't begin to explain how much I struggled with it. Meds and breakdowns galore and in the end I couldn't do it without help, both traveling and packing, but I'm almost done now. Despite being probably the hardest time of this year, I haven't touched a game although I have the chance and the excuse. 

I think these days have made the relapse worthy, in the sense that I've learned something. I already knew my addiction is a "tool", a crutch and mostly an escape from reality, but I was scared I would automatically fall back to my previous state when given the slightest chance (as I wrote in previous posts). That was the case for a while, but when enough pressure and urgency were applied, I could snap out of it. And most importantly, I could relapse again now. It's not like I've been very efficient with my time anyway but still how am I not playing. How it doesn't hurt that bad. The laptop's right there, unlocked.

And yet. It's been a week now. 

That is new. I think I may be entering the right mindset to properly quit. There truly is something else I want to do with my life now, besides quitting for the sake of quitting. I'm still terrified of everything, and some things have not changed in 7 years. But I've progressed, a lot. I can be a little more at peace with myself. 

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