SirJK's Journal

[sirjk]

I need to keep witting on this forum, I am not getting anything done, having a planner helps so much!

I woke up super late, yeah kill me. I have said this before but 12pm is probably the worse thing to do unless you have night shift lmfao.  I went to bed at 12am, anything over 10+ hours of sleep is woeful. I was going to call off to help my grandfather with his computer again but I stuck with the plan and went to his house, I'm glad I did. I came home and cleaned up my room, it's been a mess since I came home from the cruise a few weeks back. There was literally clean shirts and pants on the ground and suitcases. -___- 

Other than that, nothing much else. I was thinking to do the "No Fap October" challenge. I don't want to do a 3 months, I'll see how a month is then decide to stop for longer if it has improved my life.

Plan for tomorrow - Set alarm and wake up by 7.30am - go to friends at 9.30am - mow the lawn at my brothers house - Go to Trivia

I want to keep my mind off sadness to gain my happiness

 

 

Edited September 28, 2016 by sirjk

[sirjk]

Hello!

If you did 8 days so far, then you can make another 8 and then another 8 and so on! Just think about it!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Thanks man. Persistence is key to success! 

[Cam Adair]

Appreciate you being a part of our community.

[sirjk]

I need to write for yesterday haha. 

I pretty much woke up pretty late again, I need to cut down on coffee and energy drinks as they're messing up my sleeping pattern. I would never drink coffee or energy 6 or less hours before bed. For some reason now I am. I need to work on this. During the day, I went to see some IRLs at around 9.30am. We pretty much messed around the whole day, went to a retro gaming store to check out some old PS2 games then had a feed. Wen't home and got ready for Trivia. I was crashing hard, I had a strong coffee in the morning, then an energy drink when I left. I bought another energy drink for lunch then went home. When I went to Trivia, I had one last energy drink and had a coffee at the club. The pain in my legs and arms were terrible haha. Really, never again. I came home from Trivia and used Team Viewer to help and fix my friends computer. It took me a few hours then I went to bed. I'm getting scared about the No Fap challenge. When I stopped playing video games, it was because I flipped out after a game I had on CSGO, I quit gaming when I was mad at it. But, this is the complete opposite with the "No Fap". I don't know, it's hard to write about it without saying too much lmfao. But, you probably understand. I think the No Fap will be harder than the gaming detox. I just have to wait and see on the 1st of October. 

Edited September 28, 2016 by sirjk

[Cam Adair]

Both NoFap and the gaming detox will help a lot!

No caffeine 7 hours before bed is crucial for me.

[Piotr]

Caffeine addiction is real, too. Watch out for this and control your coffee and energy drink consumption. Now i only drink two coffees a day, but it wasn't always this way. When I was gaming I used to drink even 5 coffees a day and 1 litre of energy drink. Just to keep me awake in day and to not fall asleep on night gaming sessions. I'm glad I have this in control now. 

[sirjk]

Yesterday: I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm trying to drink all these energy drinks I have left in my fridge asap. I bought an 18 pack of 350mL cans and probably the worst idea ever so I'm trying and drink 3 a day to get rid of them. I had 14 hours sleep, but mind you I passed out around 6.30pm the night before. And I agree with Piotr, having control of coffees and energy drinks it really good, I usually do have control. (One coffee a day) but never buying that many energy drinks ever again. Water is so much nicer. Went to a friends house and chilled for a few hours. We really didn't do much. Paid a friend to put in my new stereo system and now I can actually play music (The old didn't work). Went home and watched the new episode of South Park. I'm pretty upset that Mr Robot's season ended last week but The Walking Dead is coming back in a few weeks so that's what ever. 

Today: NoFap tomorrow, I'm excited but worried at the same time. I've already gone through a detox with Gaming so I know I've proved myself I can do something if I put my mind to it. This means I cannot go out of my way to look or watch pornography. Maybe in the time, I might find a girlfriend. I've never had a girlfriend, or even tried to have one. Well, when I was younger I asked a few out but never actively went out of my way to find one. I was asked out to formal by a girl from school. I wish I went, all my friends went and they had a blast. I played Counter Strike that night, but there is no point on regretting my past. I can only change the future. Today, I cleaned out my car, it smelled like crap and needed to air it out. I sat there for around 20 minutes and decided just to drive around. When I got back, friends and me decided to go out and grab a feed. My car is falling apart lmfao so we went to the car yard to check out some second hand cars. I've got the money but without a job I don't want to blow all the saved up cash for nothing so I didn't take it seriously. Got home and now I'm beginning the new TV series called Stranger Things. There's nothing else on so I don't mind to give it a try.

Also, thank you Cam for the letter and sticker!

 

[Cam Adair]

Woot! 

[sirjk]

Binged watched Stranger Things, and my golly it was really good. It seems TV series are becoming better than movies currently. Stranger Things, Mr Robot, Outcast and the list goes on. I would only watch Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead and the other series wouldn't really impress me. The TV / web Series seems to be booming and if the rumours are correct with Life is Strange becoming a web series, my life would be completed. My first day of NoFap October. I'm currently joining the No Fap forums. I'll give you a shout out Cam ;p

I need to get this off my chest. I am a cheater on Counter Strike, I know this doesn't matter anymore but even till this day I can happily lie about my progress on the game. I played over 800+ hours while cheating and was never caught. My gaming addiction got so bad, I was willing to purchase private cheats so I would feel better about myself. This is why I quit gaming. The last ever game I had was againts a "waller". My cheats only had sound esp and legit aimbot and after only winning one round out of 16 and losing the game, I came to a conclusion how pathetic I was. I would spend hours learning strats, learning new smokes and flashes everyday. But cheating proved a point, I didn't actually care about the game. I didn't care about the basics, I didn't care about the people I played with or against. I even convinced my cynical self that all successful people were cheaters themselves. I am only human, and all I can do is learn from my mistakes. I might get shit about this topic but lying to myself won't help my recovery and progress to a better future. I'm sorry to all the people I deranked or ruined the game for. If there was a way to give you the win I would give it to you

Edited October 1, 2016 by sirjk

[Cam Adair]

I'll give you a shout out Cam ;p

Tag me if you do so I see it.

[Piotr]

I'm really jealous about that sticker! Congratulations on your detox, and good luck on noFap!

I like watching series too, but I've limited it. It's because I found myself binge watching, neglecting other things. If you're into fantasy, than I recommend "The magicians" series. Good fantasy with even better lines and humor. With an interesting point of view, that magic doesn't makes things easier like in other series/books.

[sirjk]

A very productive long weekend, finally finished the internal installation downstairs at my brothers house. Hopefully soon we can move into the house after a long year and a half of renovating. It's good to hang with my brother again and do stuff together, we wen't to watch the football grand final with few of his mates. My brothers friend asked why I haven't been on Steam. Sometimes we use to play Rainbow Six Siege and Project Cars together. I explained I've been going towards a goal of 90 days without gaming. (I try not to use the term Detox anymore) He is one of the few who actually understood and congratulated me. I've said this many of times and you most likely relate, most IRLs don't really understand gaming addiction. It felt really good and makes me wan't to keep going for the 90 days. I joined NoFap forums and most likely need to read up a few things about porn addiction. I did this when I first stopped playing video games, I started to smoke way more pot than I usually do. I usually just have one smoke before bed just to help me sleep. NoFap is getting harder but persistence is key!

[sirjk]

I'll give you a shout out Cam ;p

Tag me if you do so I see it.

Haha I tried to find your username but didn't come up. My thread here if you wanna check it out! https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/hello-world.77713/

Edited October 3, 2016 by sirjk

[sirjk]

I'm really jealous about that sticker! Congratulations on your detox, and good luck on noFap!

I like watching series too, but I've limited it. It's because I found myself binge watching, neglecting other things. If you're into fantasy, than I recommend "The magicians" series. Good fantasy with even better lines and humor. With an interesting point of view, that magic doesn't makes things easier like in other series/books.

Haha thanks man!

Hell yeah! I'll give it a try, haven't seen any fantasy for a while.

[Cam Adair]

@Piotr PM me your address and I'll send you one.

@sirjk thanks for the tag.

[sirjk]

Doing the NoFap is much harder than I thought it would be, and the physical withdraws have been painful. Constant random erections lasting a few minutes and the typical "failure" thoughts. It took me 3 hours to sleep last night and woke up as if I never even slept. My dreams were terrible, full of violence and rage. It isn't very typical of me to dream about these type of things. I don't know how to explain to my dad about whats happening, he asked if I was stressed today and typical me I said everything is fine. 

It's only been five days but I truly want this. I need to heal myself mentally, I have to do more than try!

[Piotr]

Withdrawals are hard, but they will pass. Problems with sleep are temporary, too; until body gets used to lack of relaxing stimulation. Just don't give up as this is worth it.

[Cam Adair]

Hang in there, they will pass.

[sirjk]

Relapsed pretty hard with NoFap. I got triggered 5 days in by a 10 second sex scene on a TV show. Pretty pathetic I know. Also, noticed I just passed the half way mark on the gaming 90 day detox. I have allowed myself to watch eSports as I enjoyed watching them on Twitch. I really miss playing CSGO, LoL, Skyrim etc. This is only temporary, this is me fixing my life up. I'm glad I don't have intense cravings with video games anymore. Sure, I watched CSGO last night and had a little hint of cravings but it was manageable. This is what I want from this, just to be manageable. My depression still exist, my anxiety still tricks my brain that everyone is disgusted at me. Taking video games off my back helped me to see through the fog. Cam, Piotr, whom ever reads this, playing video games just felt like your brain was clouded up, it felt like walking down a street of life but you can only see 2 inches in front of you because of the thick fog. And now it's easier to see what the real faults are, and know what direction your taking. I can't be the only one who thought this. I need to get a job, it's doing me head in. Taking away video games stripped the "you have a purpose in life" out of me. I'm falling into a hole and I'm scared im never going to get out of. I'm sick of being scared of everything, I cry management but only doing management will allow me to have control. 

[Yellow]

I don't believe not fapping is good for you, it does relieve stress and it is healthy when it is not an obsession.

Really proud that you managed to watch games and not relapsed after that! Could you let us know how it continues on the medium and longer term? Do the cravings get bigger, does your fog stay away even when watching games? What effects does it have on you?

[sirjk]

I don't believe not fapping is good for you, it does relieve stress and it is healthy when it is not an obsession.

Really proud that you managed to watch games and not relapsed after that! Could you let us know how it continues on the medium and longer term? Do the cravings get bigger, does your fog stay away even when watching games? What effects does it have on you?

Hey Yellow, I'm glad you asked! 

After around 2 weeks or so in of quitting games, gaming thoughts slipped away from me, every day got easier. I do still miss playing them but I haven't gone out of my way to search up games that are coming up or even care about the drama in the gaming scene (Scarce, Drama Alert etc). And it feels like I can just do things now in IRL, without the stress of "Maybe my friends are waiting for me to come online" or the boredom I got when doing irl stuff when in a gaming mood. The longer term, now it feels I value relationships more, and hanging with friends is more rewarding than a digital rank. I think the cravings will always be there but it isn't as bad what you think it is after nearly 2 months. It's like if you're into soccer and you watch a competition on TV. You might think, ahh maybe Ill play that later this week. Not "I need to play this instantly" as I use to always play comp game after watching eSports. The fog was always there, even when not playing video games. I think it was just tiredness and stress that was created from my addiction. Most of my classes last year of school I slept in. And I would never feel refreshed, actually I made a topic about it here : http://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/2639-sleeping-results-with-and-without-gaming/ --  every day for about a year, I was being tired, I didn't care about anything but sleep and video games. I've damaged relationships, I wasted opportunities in good paying jobs. Stopping video games was one the best things I've done since my depression came along in 2012. Quitting hasn't fixed everything in my life, it has just allowed me to know the truth and allow me to repair the damage.

[sirjk]

Terrible dreams last night. The meanings in the dream dictionary represents literally shock, isolation and despair. I am so happy that I installed Linux, my dopamine is trying to control my thoughts again. Spent over maybe 8-9 hours watching gaming streams and Youtube videos in a day and a half. I might have to stop watching these videos since I only have a little over a month until I can game again. If I still had Windows, I might've relapsed. I will be replacing watching gaming with something, most likely a new TV series. Not the best option but it will take my mind off Counter Strike and other games until I find something better. It took me all this time to realise that I deleted my config on csgo (took me weeks to build it). I would have not cared a week ago so something has changed in my thought process. 

I'm going to start writing on here every day again, I want to tackle this issue before I do something stupid. Replace, replace and replace! I am NOT gaming until 20 Nov 2016.

[Cam Adair]

I'm going to start writing on here every day again, I want to tackle this issue before I do something stupid.

Where you at!

[sirjk]

I'm going to start writing on here every day again, I want to tackle this issue before I do something stupid.

Where you at!

Sorry for my inactivity haha!

[sirjk]

Hey guys, just wanted to give a quick update. I have less than 3 weeks now until I finish my 90 detox challenge. I really don't believe I'm nearly already finished my goal! Time has gone quick, but it is a bit scary because playing video games use to make my days go slower. My goal now is to find a job this week, as there is not much else to do at the house me and my brother are building. Really bad excuse, I know. I'm glad I went for this goal, I have fixed the relationship between some people, including my brother. But, at the same time it feels I have broken some relationships, too. I think I mentioned 2 months back that the main purpose for the 90 days was to improve my life, and take back control. I have been lacking control for a very long time. I use to let people take advantage and literately tell me what to do. My father, even to this day is bad for this. I know he means well, but you shouldn't go through your sons things, clean his cloths and sheets, tidy his bedroom and move all his shit around when he's not home. Even after mentioning it several times not to do it, he just says "I just wanted to help you out" then makes you feel bad so he can do it again and again. It's really bullshit, I think moving out in a few months will be a good thing for my dad and for myself. I don't hate him, but he needs to realise that I'm a grown adult, if I say something, I will do it. I have changed within the last 2 years, just let things happen and try and not fucking control it. "I'll go to the bank within a few days." - "No you have to instantly do it now" 

Sorry, I just needed that out, I should be back here updating until the 20th of November!