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Shameless Saturdays


BooksandTrees

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People recovering from addiction often turn to addiction to hide from the power of feeling shame. Shame can take many forms. Rather than hiding from shame, I think it's important to face it head on when you're ready. You'll know when you're ready when you're tired of hiding. 

Rules: just post something you did to combat something you're ashamed or embarrassed about. Don't need to write a huge post. 

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Feeling embarrassed about not having much idea where my money goes (besides savings and a few large recurring expenses), I sat down and created a monthly budget and expenses spreadsheet. Everything is incredibly clear now, and I expect the format to evolve as I learn more. I'm now going to track this as a new habit.

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I was ashamed of how late I often woke up and how flustered it made me feel for the rest of the day. So I started with a small step of putting my gym clothes on in the morning when my alarm goes off in the other room. I’ve started waking up regularly at the same time now and even exercising in the morning.

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I'm ashamed to (not) give compliments to others. I'm afraid of being judged by others, in case they overhear it, but also that it comes out as creepy towards the recipient. For example, telling an acquaintance that she is smart, looks good etc. I'm very bad at complimenting myself too, as I think there's nothing praiseworthy for following and executing a plan well.

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Ashamed of getting lost in the moment, of losing my ability to be efficient and thoughtful and a leader to myself during the times when it counts the most. Ashamed of letting myself be overwhelmed. 

Also, ashamed for not willing to reciprocate my friends' love and care the last few days. 

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Feeling ashamed of how difficult it has been to get myself out of comfort zone today. I keep sliding into it- so I sit down and journal some more, and then again, and then again. I refuse to surrender to comfort. Even if I don't anywhere but simply away from comfort, I don't want to feel ashamed of myself tomorrow, or even moments from now :325_sparkles:

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ashamed of my hesitancy to learn and grow because of the pain such learning brings. I've led myself to some painful loops in the attempt to avoid burning up. Glad to be realizing this now, and holding the awareness of what feels like the right path.

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Feeling ashamed of not living by my values: "take direct action to make the world a better place". 

Reading "Berlin" by Jason Lutes, which conveys individual journeys of people w/ different levels of awareness and understanding of the world around them- which is 1920s-30s Germany... It's devastating to see that it was so obvious, in hindsight, that an apocalypse was unveiling real-time. And many knew, even then, but none acted, none acted enough.

"Berlin" has been making me feel guilty at the very least, of not using my own privileges to act on what I believe to be injustice, but instead sit behind a glass wall w/ my cup of tea, like the willfully ignorant protagonist... 

Shame moves change, or so I want to believe.

Edited by Pochatok
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A second one today! Ashamed of denying myself comfort and pleasure for their own sake. I failed to relax and nourish myself, as the goal wasn't to feel good (about myself), but to perform better at an activity as a result of rest. 

There is some hypocrisy involved, and I did not need to go through these experience- my gut was waving red flags in all the instances. Oh, this hurts like decade-long trauma: silencing my deeper feelings through creating an excuse to rest, either because I actually don't want to rest, or because I'm not engaging with rest in a nourishing way.

Here's to learning.

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Feel ashamed of giving up my capacity to care and grieve in the last couple of days. That's literally the reason I have not been feeling passion, now I realize. Well, onwards- to caring, compassion, love for all the suffering being experienced in this moment, beyond the walls of my comforts. 

Edited by Pochatok
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Feeling ashamed of accepting "feeling tired" and not cultivating ambition/desire to do better. Yesterday, most of my day was spent in that hazy state of "relaxed". Today, already an hour lost to this feeling. 

To work through this, I am re-structuring my routine: begin the day w/ something deeply inspiring, not grief-provoking. Grief is key to my passion, but it can be immobilizing. 

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Ashamed of waking up slowly, and not truly getting intentional with my day until 1-2hours after waking up. I want to live fully, not in haze. Tomorrow, will make sure to put my alarm away from the bed. Have also purchased a separate alarm clock, to not need the phone by bed. 

Will make sure to set intention first think in the morning by keeping sticky notes next to the bed, to write on as soon as I'm awake.

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Ashamed of taking far too long today to get "real" work in. I've been learning and working through a myriad of important tasks all day, but only now, 11 hours after getting out of bed, am I beginning the work on my passions.

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