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My journal


Sowelu
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Woke up early, took care of kids, turned on computer, intent on getting something done. In the morning I had a brief craving, I brushed it off with gaming being a crutch. It worked. I felt a mild pressure mid-brow as usual with things requiring mental forcefulness. After it went away I felt the urge go away. Round one won. Many more to come.

I am thinking about the course in neuroplasticity and keep in mind that exercising will is a muscle. I need to save my mental strength for next cravings. Also, I know it's a habit that can't be overcome by will alone, it needs to be replaced by something.

I opened browser. Opened tab with Cyberpunk skill jumped at me. I clicked away, resisting the urge to play it. I took a sudden liking in it a few days ago. Playing on very hard, second playtrough, 4k on max settings with rtx on. The urge is strong. The immersion is... ...calling me. I resisted. I try to keep in mind I can't win this battle by thinking too far ahead. I will fail if I think about it in too long term. Then the task will seem unsurmountable. Too big to handle. A mountain is build stone by stone. So shall I compose myself too. I read you can't think too far ahead in these things and my experience confirms it. I need to think only about this one battle and not give in to bartering of future promises. I need to win here and now. That's the goal. Not to think too much. Just win this battle.

I manage to not come back to it for now. I start doing online exams from statisctics. I hate it. It's unnecessarily compliacated, with professor coming up with overly complicated questions and phrases on purpose. I see no point in learning the subject for my future career. I find it very frustrating. but I must brace myself and do it. The problem with it being that it throws me off balance and drains my willpower. I am subconsciously replenishing my mental reserves by drinking a local brand of Coke. Bad for my heath, a cheat. A quick fix. But i don't feel like tacking the healthy lifestyle now. Another thing in the todo list. Another battle to fight. But not here and now. My experience has taught me to conserve my strength. Not to take too much or else everything will fail. My favourite motto from Civ: Do not chase two rabbits; you'll lose them both. Doing the statistics exam I hate, I feel pressure to do some work as I am on homeoffice. One kid needs my attention. Another "distraction". A lot of stress going on, I have many responsibilities. Hell, my health started deteriorating, I need to deal with it too. I have too many things to effectively battle, yet I know quitting gaming will give me energy and time to win the other battles. This is probably the most important battle. I just need to manage other stuff so that it doesn't fall apart and concentrate on this.

Oh and a new gf. A lovely woman. However with everything going on, I barely have time to see her once per week. I want spend time with her, but it goes on the expense of other things, especially school. I won't have a free weekend for the next few months, yet I feel like I desperately need a true rest. I have been going on like this for years now, with last two years being crazy with the added studying on university and career change. It's hard to find a solid foothold and strength to reshape my life into something I want to. Sysifos. Constantly exhausted, pushing some boulder up the hill. I wouldn't change my past. I accept what I am. I am a procrestinator, a gamer, an addict. I flee from reality into the pain-free bubble. I thin I learned it in the childhood when my aunts tortured me. I hate myself for being weak and yet I know I have to overcome myself. I despise myself for playing games, but rather than face the pain, the ever grinding responsibilities, I escape. I know I will hate myself for it, but I often turn on the game, get a beer and cut myself from the reality. Rationally I know I am just making things worse since they clump up and it will be harder to deal with them later - and I will have to deal with them, face them, they won't go away by themselves. But that's not how it works. Just realizing how things are doesn't make them go away. I need to put in effort.

In a world where I feel almost everything is a bleak grind, there is only one shining isle of happiness. One oasis where I am free. Gaming. Preferably drunk. Hell, I don't even like the alcohol anymore. I just do it.

And now I call this only place a crutch - which I know to be true - and give it up. What will remain? No happiness. Just duty and doing stuff I don't want but is expected. Giving up the only thing that I "love" in this world. Rationally I know this to be false, but that's now how it works with addiction and love.

It's not even midday and I have many duties to fulfill. Somewhere along the way I need to find the strength to win some of the hardest battles in my life. I think Robbins. How in his book he gradually comes to the point where the biggest and most powerful way to change my life is to become inside what I want to be. From this new identity effects will ripple outside and the result will be the life I want. So I need to convince myself I have already quit the gaming and experience the state. That is how you draw miracles. That is how you change your life.

I am tired. A few hours have passed. This is the easy part. Worse will come later on. With mental reserves depleted and bad habits kicking in, the real battle will come in the evening. For now, i conserve my strength and hope this journal will somehow be a step in the right direction. Something that will help me overcome the part I hate about myself and become what I feel I can be.

 

11: Fought off craving for playing Distant Worlds: Universe I bought yesterday. It's exactly the kind of games I love. Deep, complex. Easy to get lost in. And supposedly really briliant. Reminds me of Space Empires and it's compared to Stellaris. Need to focus.

Edited by Sowelu
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6 hours ago, Sowelu said:

So I need to convince myself I have already quit the gaming and experience the state.

.. hope this journal will somehow be a step in the right direction.

the journal entries are a huge help with setting and making that change, intentions to manifestation and such.  setting new goals and keeping ourselves honest and accountable around other like minded folk is a nice help too!

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Yesterday there were some cravings. I was immensely tired, barely drove kids back home midday. Slept most of the day. I was thinking about AoW3 and a bit about disc priest, but I got over it. Biggest pull atm is Cyberpunk. All ended well from gq viewpoint. Day one is over and it was a success.

Yesterday evening I watched movies with my son so I had something to occupy myself with. Today it's gonna be just me and the need to go through the hated statistics. I am worried that the temptation might be very strong. Just to play a bit... The problem is I can't concentrate only on gq. I have to manage it along other stuff. Anyway, I know the challenges ahead and I'll deal with the as they come. Until then, I need to conserve my strength.

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6 hours ago, Sowelu said:

Yesterday evening I watched movies with my son so I had something to occupy myself with.

6 hours ago, Sowelu said:

I am worried that the temptation might be very strong. Just to play a bit... The problem is I can't concentrate only on gq. I have to manage it along other stuff.

Still have a few projects to occupy my time myself though I know I will be done with those before long and it wont be around to occupy my time.  Building habits out of new hobbies is such a necessary step forward here.  There is a hobby finder tool on site with a few other resources, here's the link and best wishes!  https://gamequitters.com/hobby-ideas/

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6 hours ago, goodvibes said:

Still have a few projects to occupy my time myself though I know I will be done with those before long and it wont be around to occupy my time.  Building habits out of new hobbies is such a necessary step forward here.  There is a hobby finder tool on site with a few other resources, here's the link and best wishes!  https://gamequitters.com/hobby-ideas/

Thank you. I feel like I need to free up time just to manage all the stuff going on (and then some), but you might be right. I probably need to do something I like and enjoy despite needing that time for something else. Otherwise I might get overwhelmed and burn out.

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6 hours ago, goodvibes said:

Still have a few projects to occupy my time myself though I know I will be done with those before long and it wont be around to occupy my time.  Building habits out of new hobbies is such a necessary step forward here.  There is a hobby finder tool on site with a few other resources, here's the link and best wishes!  https://gamequitters.com/hobby-ideas/

Thank you. I feel like I need to free up time just to manage all the stuff going on (and then some), but you might be right. I probably need to do something I like and enjoy despite needing that time for something else. Otherwise I might get overwhelmed and burn out.

----------------------
Huh, weird stuff with moderation in my own thread happening... Anyway, next entry

Resisting today's temptation was easier than I originally thought. For different reasons though. I started feeling really tired at the end of the workday and I went to bed right after I came home. My powernap lasted for 5 hours, I woke up, stomach upsite down. Something is going on. Either I am ill or I got ill because of stress or such. Anyway, it's a win for my gq as I highly doubt I will succumb today. But I'll take it. Second day. Baby steps.

I am feeling bad because I am neglecting school and not doing the exams I need, but I forgive myself for screwing that. I got really good in this department...

Apart from the snappy comment, I am going to bed in rather good mood. I suppose with more days in, things will sink in more and gq will become more substantial.

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Not sure why I my last posts are hidden and I can only delete them. It's quite irritating. I follow the advice and then I can't even post in my own thread... 😞

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Posted (edited)

Yesterday was on the easier side. Got up at six am, came home at ten pm, totally exhausted.

Today it's gonna be worse. I am coming home earlier and I need to push school stuff really hard because of deadlines. Plenty of opportunity to "relax" a bit by playing a game. And tomorrow is is home office. Same story. I am getting cravings just thinking about it. Get a beer and do some shotgun action. Or Humankind... ...or something. Well, not there yet. For now I'll concentrate on the now. And hope for the best later on. That it will somehow sort itself out. If I had something I enjoy doing it would be better, but it's so hard to resist when I do stuff I hate. Makes the motivation non-existent.

 

EDIT: Having really hard time resisting the urge to play a bit when I come back home. I can practically see myself getting a beer and launching Cyberpunk.

Edited by Sowelu
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6 hours ago, Sowelu said:

Plenty of opportunity to "relax" a bit by playing a game.

6 hours ago, Sowelu said:

I am getting cravings just thinking about it.

6 hours ago, Sowelu said:

EDIT: Having really hard time resisting the urge to play a bit when I come back home. I can practically see myself getting a beer and launching Cyberpunk.

Typical detox withdrawal symptom, most people go through this phase. What really helps shake this off is the repetition of new replacement activities or in other words making new habits out of new hobbies and activities.  Exercise, healthy eating, and sleep are huge in reducing stress!  Would consider hanging up smoking and drinking they are only diversions that end up stressing your lungs and liver!

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On 3/18/2022 at 7:35 AM, Sowelu said:

Yesterday I survived by a mere miracle. I kind of doubt, I will make it today.

Why, what do you feel?

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11 hours ago, Sowelu said:

Yesterday I survived by a mere miracle. I kind of doubt, I will make it today.

As a last line of defense you can try telling yourself on repeat that you can and will make it .. that this too shall pass .. thoughts become reality so try to stay positive about it all.  You don't still have games in the house or digitally do you?  What about your family, are others playing games in your home?  Some kind of action to make things easier for your detox may be necessary to be made.

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2 hours ago, Marius said:

Why, what do you feel?

I felt a great urge to play.

I felt I could spare some time. And a friend of mine sent me a post about upcoming game update. It was really hard to resist. I knew I would be in trouble next day when I am on homeoffice. Plenty of time when I am not super-occupied. I feel I am alone, it doesn't matter that much if I play or not, especially when my most pressing duties are done. Same today. I managed to hold off, but I have hard time seeing why resist. I just want to play the race I never really played. To "complete" my experience before I give it up. It would be just for a while. Just for a few hours...

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1 hour ago, goodvibes said:

As a last line of defense you can try telling yourself on repeat that you can and will make it .. that this too shall pass .. thoughts become reality so try to stay positive about it all.  You don't still have games in the house or digitally do you?  What about your family, are others playing games in your home?  Some kind of action to make things easier for your detox may be necessary to be made.

 

The motivation is the problem here. I don't see urgent need to quit and a very strong urge to play. To have some nice time. I still have plenty of games. Even installed. And yes, I have a temporary flatmate in my living room - a buddy gamer who had some tough time so I offered him to stay on the couch until things clear up. And as I wrote to Marius a friend of mine sent me yesterday a message about Stellaris getting an update. Which made me think about me needing to finish the things I haven't finished yet - becoming a crisis and playing as democracy.

Part of the problem is that in a short span, several games and updates came out and they are something I have been looking forward for some time. Not sure if naming them here is a good idea, it could make somebody want to play.

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Posted (edited)

I am basically sitting at the computer right now, ready to launch Stellaris and play it until midnight.

I got some beers and I want to have a nice evening.

Yesterday I read C++ book and installed Z-Brush and did some 3D sculpting. It helped me to pass the time.

I feel like I need to play right now, or otherwise there won't be another opportunity. I think this irrational attitude comes from the past. Possibly when my parents tried to cut me off from gaming by prohibiting computer. (Funny thing. They took power cord from the PC, but didn't realize there is the same one in printer 😄 ). I feel that giving up my gaming would leave me stranded in a world without anything joyful. Just endless duties and things I hate to do.

 

Thinking about it now... ...the idea I won't play now... ...it makes me feel I need to play because it might be my last opportunity. That I might miss it and never get it again.

 

EDIT: I think part of the problem is that I still see quitting gaming as should have and could have. Not must have. Especially when things are not so tense.

There are so many bad habits that need breaking and they support each other. It's like a Gordian knot. For example when I get some free time I immediately feel I need to "relax" - meaning getting a beer and enjoying myself. Usually gaming too. Possibly watching TV. I suppose I could say, to get out of this world and into a one I like more.

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47 minutes ago, Sowelu said:

I still have plenty of games. Even installed. And yes, I have a temporary flatmate in my living room - a buddy gamer

For you to make a change your environment has to change.  You know what you have to do right?  Go ahead and get rid of all the games and game systems, see how long that buddy stays your buddy..

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Surprisingly, I didn't play yesterday. If there are miracles, that's how they look. That was my fifth day.

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Interesting, you were setting yourself up that you would play, but you didn’t. What made you change your mind?

Are you going to remove the stimuli from your environment that are influencing you in a negative way? 

What do you want to replace gaming with, any kind of sport?

Edited by Amphibian220
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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Interesting, you were setting yourself up that you would play, but you didn’t. What made you change your mind?

Are you going to remove the stimuli from your environment that are influencing you in a negative way? 

What do you want to replace gaming with, any kind of sport?

I think the thing that was the turning point on Friday was writing the journal. In two ways. First I got out my feelings, second, it took some time to write it so I think the craving waned enough. Then I found a replacement activity that was good enough to occupy me.

The problem with stimuli is that a giant portion is just being at computer. I can uninstall the games, I have done that in the past in fact, but my internet is fast and I can reinstall them fast enough. And I don't feel strong enough to delete mu accounts yet. Whenever I sit to a computer there is the temptation. Also FB is one giant game ad and most of my friends are tied to gaming. Hell, even my random neighbor in my village is a gamer. 😄 I can't stop working on the computer and cut off everybody in my life. I believe I will have to deal with it with temptations being around.

Yeah, the replacement.. ...that's a question. Now it's getting nicer outside, but there are practical issues with replacement activities. Sports: I used to do sports a lot. Three times double training in martial arts per week and a long history of making sports. So I like them. The problem now is: I am broke (more specifically no money left after my bills and life expenses are paid). So I can't afford any big memberships. I don't like gyms. I live in a remote sh*thole so it takes time to get somewhere. Spending one hour on journey to training, another one-or-two hours on the training and another one on the way back is waaaaaaaay too much. If I didn't have kids and school it would be a nice chill. But with the duties I have I simply don't have the time to regularly commit to a training. I know these things can be pushed in some way, but it's not like I can go to training three times per week. I did try exercising home - I have a bench, weights, indoor rower, video training programs... ...you get the idea. It just doesn't work. It's boring. I used to skate on inlines a lot (think 4-5 hours per day), but the terrain in this sleepy hollow is horrible. I basically live in in a valley in hilly terrain. The first thing I need to do is climb up a kilometer long hill, no matter which road I take. And after I get there there is another hill. No Netherlands as you can see. I bought a new bike last year. It would be a challenge to bike here when I was super-fit. Now that I am fat it's damn impossible. I thought about going to training in the big city I work in, but the problems were: Everything was closed because of covid, trainings starts like 2 hours after I finish my job. So I would have to wait that long. I am sure it can be done. But it's rather hard to make it work. It's another challenge. And I don't really feel like taking on another challenge in my life.

Whenever I tried to change too many things at once (eg switching to healthy lifestyle), it didn't work. Now I believe it was because there were too many changes at once. This time I want to make a single change. I'll put it here here again, just to stress how hard it is to get any regular activity going.

My whole life is currently a catch-up game. One third of my time is occupied by taking care of my two small sons. Can't do too much there, they need attention and there is loads of stuff to do around them. I won't have a free weekend for a few months. All are booked with either kids or school. I have a full time work in the rest of the days. That leaves me with with evenings when I come from work and I don't have kids. In those few hours I need to take care of my house, cook, laundry etc... I am sure you get the picture. Oh and I need to study. Because I am at university. Of course they don't care about my personal situation so I have to pass the same exams as everybody. Oh and I met this new woman. We a dinner together each week. That's another day off the list. And then there is always some random stuff breaking apart that needs attention. Car broke, water pump broke, need to take care of some bureaucracy. Something. Always.

So basically whenever there is NOT an actual emergency, I find myself exhausted and longing for peace and a piece of happiness. Exhausted means my mental muscles are depleted as well. And I found out that the older I get the more I want and appreciate quite. Just some alone time. Man cave. Don't bother me. Well and in this man cave I have the computer with games.

Whenever I game these days it's on the expense of something else that I need to do and it's probably already burning so to speak. A guilty pleasure you could say. I find it really hard to replace this time with something I can justify doing instead of the chores. There is this little funny thing. When I game, I know I am doing something *wrong* (in the sense I shouldn't be gaming but tending to something else). And I can live with that. I forgive myself for screwing up. But at least I have my piece of happiness. But I find it really hard to start painting or making sport when I should be let's say studying.

University is hugely important in my life. Basically without it my future life is totally screwed without it. I'll have to give 50% of my gross income as child support in a few years. That's how it works in this country currently. And in order to survive that kind of ordeal, I need to basically make twice what most people do just to get by and stay on zero. (I need to one half of my salary to be enough for all my expenses including house, car, food, clothing... ...everything). So that's something I can't give up. If I would I would lose my kids - I wouldn't have enough money for living in a place where they can stay and for transportation etc.

I don't want to give up my time with them. It's one of the most treasured things in my life.

So it's a kind of Mexican standoff, you see. 😄

What I would need is to just stop gaming and use that time for something I need to do but not necessarily want to do.

I think the key here is motivation. Motivation to stop playing games. And it's rather hard to find a good emotional reason why to give up the thing you love for something you don't. Therein lies the problem for me. The attitude. I am not going to end this post with a solution or a point. I am ending it rather open-ended. This is how the situation is. Not sure how to deal with it.

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Yesterday I played Stellaris. Chilled, got some beers, streamed a bit (Although I don't stream to get viewers, but rather for peeps that may want to see how a particular game looks / plays. No tryharding.). Should have dedicated the time to school project. I don't feel particularly bad about it. I'll keep writing in this journal and I like writing here.

As I wrote at the end of the longass post just above, the problem seems to be motivation. I didn't feel I NEED to stop gaming yesterday. The words aI would use to describe the pressure are should have, could have, would be nice to. Once I read that formulating the need is crucial in making habit changes. For example you'll never go to a gym when you should go there. You'll go there when you MUST go there. (health problems, obligation to buddy...) Same with smoking. You'll never stop if you should stop. You do it when you MUST. And I didn't feel this MUST yesterday.

I used to smoke for roughly 15 years. Heavily. 1-2 packs a day. Closer to 2. And more on party nights. Maybe 3-4. Okay, let's be honest, back then I had crapload of time, money to spare and I don't suffer from hangovers. So the parties were frequent. 😄 I was the embodiment of the quote: "It's easy to quit smoking. I myself quit at least thousand times." The furthest I got was maybe two days. Oh, no, I got out of it actually! I think I didn't smoke for weeks, perhaps a month. But then we broke up with my gf and I started again. Nonetheless, you can say that I've tried for years unsuccessfully. I hated smoking. Hell, I didn't even like the taste anymore. But I couldn't stop. And then I got a little bit sick. Nothing too serious I though. But something really strange happened. I inhaled the smoke and I felt like I am gonna die. It got me scared. Like REALLY scared. I was convinced if I had another puff I would die. And that was the day when I quit. That was my MUST moment. It's been over 11 years now. I don't get any sort of cravings. I can sit in a pub full of smokers and nothing. No craving. Just bad air. Another interesting thing is that there is this state where I just say "NO". No explanations, no reasoning. Just a plain, simple, very distinct "NO". And it works. I think the moment I start bargaining (Very nicely described in the Udemy neuroplascticity course btw) is the moment things start to go down the drain.

Another point of positive change in my life was about five years ago. I was overweight about 30 kilos (60-ish pounds). I am rather tall so I didn't look like a ball. Just a guy with mid belly. I was able to do sports reasonably well. I got a present - a... ....how to properly call it... ...food recommendation program. It certainly wasn't a diet, because with diet you are not giving your body something it needs. They took my blood sample, figured out what my body metabolizes best and told me: Hey, this are the foods you metabolize well. So you'll get everything you need from them, there are no excess fats in it and eat them in these combinations. It was really easy for me. I loved the food, I lost 0,2 kilogram each day (more at the start, but that's usual). In about half a year I was 30 kilos lighter (and everybody was appropriately shocked 😄 ). My point here is there was no MUST moment in this change. And yet it was fundamental. You know how many people try to lose weight and never succeed. Hmm... ...thinking about it, there was the fixed daily program. I kind of feel obligation towards a thing I have scheduled. Maybe there was this small hidden must for me. That I must adhere to it. It also made it easier for my body and mind to adjust I think. It knew when to expect food and what kind of food. So the wait was rewarded. Predictably. Can I somehow use this? I can't imagine making a schedule of not gaming. 🤔

How can I introduce MUST into my not-gaming? A sword of Damocles. That something terrible would happen if I game.

The little problem is that I am super chill with things that happen in my life. I am convinced I should have died several times in my life and only extremely lucky... ....okay, let's call it divine interventions as that's how I see it, prevented it. I have seen and done everything I wanted in my life. With an exception with recent addition - the university. But even that is a "nice to have" rather than must have in my life. I have been through some incredibly tough, strange and abnormal times. If I died today I would be like: Okay, my life was cool. I don't have a death wish, I am just describing my attitude. Oh and I don't respond well to negative motivation any more. Unfortunately including me. So it's really hard to come up with an artificial reason why I MUST never play a game. Hm, I like this slight twist. Not saying I quit gaming, but rather I MUST never play a game. Now... ...how do I do that? How do I find a reason credible enough for me to quit?

Problem with gaming is it's rather hard to measure the detrimental effect. You basically don't see a cause, you just observe the effects. There is not a wound let's say you can look at remind yourself why you are doing this. You basically observe there is something wrong with your life and it's connected to gaming. But there is no hard line. Such as: If you game for 5 minutes you'll fall unconscious. Why am I saying it? Because it's hard to put the MUST against something. Against abstract: You MUST not game because it makes your life miserable. I don't think brain and habits work in this way. I think you need a specific thing to lie it against. I MUST not game or otherwise my father will will come in and beat my ass purple. That would work. I MUST not game or I'll die instantly. Horribly. In great agony. That would work. Since gaming is a gradual process I find it really hard to put it against some specific part in it's process.

Okay, so that's the negative part of the equation. The whip. Now, what about the sugar? In this methodology it's replacing it with something I want (and can sustain). "If I don't game I'll gain this benefit." I wrote about it at length already today. Hard to replace it with something I need to do, but I don't enjoy it, and don't have time / will (?) / interest (?).

I am wondering now. I remembered a story about a monk. They spoke about enlightenment and they asked him what was holding him in this world. And he said: "Food. I really love food. That is the last thing in the world that is holding me here. Once I have had enough I'll leave." What I find interesting in that story is that it concentrates on the experience and the fact that you have to go through it all and then you'll naturally be ready to give it up, since you have gone through the whole process, and experienced all its states and possibilities / consequences. So in this spirit, I am wondering if I have been through the whole gaming experience. Maybe I am trying to quit too soon. Maybe I need to finish the experience before I am ready to quit. But then I could say that if I wasn't ready I wouldn't have this itch. Maybe there is just something missing?

There have been a lot on fluffy words and nice theories. I must say that the mind is very creative when it comes to finding reasons why it should continue doing the stuff it wants. And "wants" can be used also in the wants because of addiction sense.

I suppose this is why it's good to write about these things. So that these thoughts are exposed and can be dealt with.

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You must retrogressively modify your computer to rid yourself of the possibility of playing.

You must install pop up blockers on your computer.

You must drop the “nice guy mode” and insist on not having games played in front of you by your friend. You must be prepared for a confrontation.

You must not watch television.

If you follow all these musts, you will get a glimpse at how your grandfather lived, and whether he was better off or not. But if you never follow them, you won’t get to know that.

————————-

From your posts you accept yourself as a gamer and you mentioned that you played a lot in the past. But you haven’t come on here by mere chance, something has caused you to come onto this forum and confront the insincerity in yourself.

I don’t think you fully comprehend the costs of playing  those video games. I think that if you watch the video of Cam Adair “Three lies that gamers tell themselves to continue playing”, your breakthrough will come a lot sooner.

The sooner you realize the full costs of playing the better. Keep in mind that small daily errors compound. Today it is 30 minutes, tomorrow 1 hour of playing and in 1 month it is 6 hours of playing.

Are you really a gamer? 

“This really spoke to me since I proceeded to ask myself if I am still a gamer, and at the time my honest answer was still yes. I was in the middle of a detox that at the time I felt fully committed to, but when facing myself and asking "me" if I was still a gamer, my deep down honestly answer was still a firm "yes". At the time I already relapsed and was in and out of gaming on a day to day basis and the stress with other factors in my life was overwhelming, so I once again I reached my mental limit, said "fuck it", quit the detox and went back to gaming.

The progress I had made has slowly slipped away over the past 3 weeks, but what @amchow pointed out to me continued to ring through my head throughout it all. I've done these detoxes for the past year as a hope to take a break from gaming so when I come back, I'll hopefully have worked on my life enough so I can balance gaming with it when reintroducing it. At no point of any of these detoxes have I ever been able to tell myself that, "I'm no longer a gamer". My answer was always to find the middle ground which was to figure out how to balance out gaming in my life.

After a full year of incredible life improvement during detoxes followed by an immediate downfall when introducing gaming back into my life, I finally have to admit to myself that there is no middle ground. At least not for me. I am to weak minded to be able to balance gaming with the rest of my life. When it is apart of my life, it is all I do and think about. Even when I'm not gaming, I'll be thinking about it as long as I have permission from myself to do it. I finally have to face my truth which is that I will continue to live as a gamer and go nowhere with my goals and life, or I will "no longer be a gamer" and my life will absolutely improve. There is no middle ground. There is absolutely no middle ground and I've accepted that. My life immediately improves every time I stop gaming and immediately goes to shit the moment its reintroduced. The good news is, I feel like it's often difficult in life to determine what the right option to choose is in order to improve your life. In my case, that option isn't what I was hoping for, but regardless that option is crystal clear. There is no middle ground for me. I need to quit gaming, then my life will absolutely positively 100% improve. I've seen it happen over and over again, I've been through it a million times, the answer is crystal clear, I need to quit gaming and that is the only answer for me.

So with all that being said, I'm here to say that I'm no longer a gamer. I know the road ahead will be rocky, but it is the only path for me as long as I want my life to improve. This is no longer a 90 day detox. I am here to post about how I'm quitting gaming. The process is going to be one day at a time, but I'll continue to work at it one day at a time. It's been a rough 3 weeks for me, but it might have been necessary for me to come to this conclusion.”

 

“we are not talking about a man that is more feminine than an average woman, we are talking about a real man.

A real man is a person who is willing to sacrifice, to take risks, go on adventure, step over the limits that he has been used to. He aims to climb the highest peak, to enter territory unknown to him etc. because through his work, plans which are NOT grounded in simple consumerist terms (comfort, physical wants) are put into action.”

Edited by Amphibian220
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On 3/20/2022 at 4:43 AM, Sowelu said:

How can I introduce MUST into my not-gaming? A sword of Damocles. That something terrible would happen if I game.

To me, introducing a must came from building much more concrete goals, dreams, and aspirations, and realizing that I will be unable to achieve them while gaming. Even now, more than a year after I quit, I continue to build more specific and concrete goals, ensuring that nearly everything I do in life feeds directly into who I aspire to be. With this pattern, after I quit gaming, I began quitting porn; after I quit pornography, I've quit social media, Youtube, and Netflix. Even now, I continue to redefine my goals and dreams every day, and that keeps pushing me to want to do more and more with my time.

However, I think that introducing a "must" has to come from a "want". You say, "do it when you MUST", as in when there is an obligation. That was exactly the reason I went to the gym a couple years ago- I would feel so anxious about not "looking good", that I felt that I had to go to the gym or my social confidence would shatter (which is all bs, btw- modern beauty standards suck, everyone's is beautiful the way they are 💝). I still go to the gym, and I've actually gotten significantly stronger, but not because I made the workouts necessary, but because I've found ways to genuinely enjoy them.

To me, this is the ideal way of reducing any unwanted habit like gaming- instead of only forcing yourself to quit, try to enchance other activities along the way, so that they become more enjoyable than gaming and end up replacing it naturally. Right now, I get the same pleasure from reading that I used to get from gaming. I've let reading become just as thrilling and rewarding, while simultasionesly reducing the amount of time I spent playing video games every day. 

On 3/20/2022 at 8:25 AM, Amphibian220 said:

“we are not talking about a man that is more feminine than an average woman, we are talking about a real man.

This is toxic and sexist, imo. You can be feminine (and/or a woman) and be just as willing to sacrifice, take risks, go on adventures, etc. . 

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A feminine man can’t sacrifice and risk in the way that anyone reading this will understand. The only recourse that a feminine man has is through societal protocols, and that leads to progressive breakup of his natural abilities.

You go into any reputable organization and you will find men prepared to defend their territory and face adversity. You may get the functionaries, akin to your man in a case, but the deal makers are going to be men of substance.

Women that want to take risks and go into unpredictable situations other than by mere duress? You will find odd outliers, but women like that don’t make good mothers or wives. Because that natural instinct for defending the offspring is no longer there.

One proviso: to go on adventures isn’t meant in an idiotic way like someone wandering about aimlessly. No, it means starting up a unique business and going through all the pain sweat and tears to produce something that serves community in a beneficial way.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/20/2022 at 2:25 PM, Amphibian220 said:

The whole long post 😉

Thank you, appreciated.

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On 3/20/2022 at 6:54 PM, Pochatok said:

To me, introducing a must came from building much more concrete goals, dreams, and aspirations, and realizing that I will be unable to achieve them while gaming. Even now, more than a year after I quit, I continue to build more specific and concrete goals, ensuring that nearly everything I do in life feeds directly into who I aspire to be. With this pattern, after I quit gaming, I began quitting porn; after I quit pornography, I've quit social media, Youtube, and Netflix. Even now, I continue to redefine my goals and dreams every day, and that keeps pushing me to want to do more and more with my time.

However, I think that introducing a "must" has to come from a "want". You say, "do it when you MUST", as in when there is an obligation. That was exactly the reason I went to the gym a couple years ago- I would feel so anxious about not "looking good", that I felt that I had to go to the gym or my social confidence would shatter (which is all bs, btw- modern beauty standards suck, everyone's is beautiful the way they are 💝). I still go to the gym, and I've actually gotten significantly stronger, but not because I made the workouts necessary, but because I've found ways to genuinely enjoy them.

To me, this is the ideal way of reducing any unwanted habit like gaming- instead of only forcing yourself to quit, try to enchance other activities along the way, so that they become more enjoyable than gaming and end up replacing it naturally. Right now, I get the same pleasure from reading that I used to get from gaming. I've let reading become just as thrilling and rewarding, while simultasionesly reducing the amount of time I spent playing video games every day. 

This is toxic and sexist, imo. You can be feminine (and/or a woman) and be just as willing to sacrifice, take risks, go on adventures, etc. . 

My problem is the "want" is not strong enough. It seems the "must" has worked in the past.

As you write, I want to look more into the motivation part of the whole process as I lack the drive. Then I game a bit, then more and then I realize it's too much and it's destroying my life. It's a gradual process. I just don't feel the when I turn on a game some lazy evening that it's a life shattering event. But some time ago, along the way it became so.

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