Sowelu 22 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 (edited) Woke up early, took care of kids, turned on computer, intent on getting something done. In the morning I had a brief craving, I brushed it off with gaming being a crutch. It worked. I felt a mild pressure mid-brow as usual with things requiring mental forcefulness. After it went away I felt the urge go away. Round one won. Many more to come. I am thinking about the course in neuroplasticity and keep in mind that exercising will is a muscle. I need to save my mental strength for next cravings. Also, I know it's a habit that can't be overcome by will alone, it needs to be replaced by something. I opened browser. Opened tab with Cyberpunk skill jumped at me. I clicked away, resisting the urge to play it. I took a sudden liking in it a few days ago. Playing on very hard, second playtrough, 4k on max settings with rtx on. The urge is strong. The immersion is... ...calling me. I resisted. I try to keep in mind I can't win this battle by thinking too far ahead. I will fail if I think about it in too long term. Then the task will seem unsurmountable. Too big to handle. A mountain is build stone by stone. So shall I compose myself too. I read you can't think too far ahead in these things and my experience confirms it. I need to think only about this one battle and not give in to bartering of future promises. I need to win here and now. That's the goal. Not to think too much. Just win this battle. I manage to not come back to it for now. I start doing online exams from statisctics. I hate it. It's unnecessarily compliacated, with professor coming up with overly complicated questions and phrases on purpose. I see no point in learning the subject for my future career. I find it very frustrating. but I must brace myself and do it. The problem with it being that it throws me off balance and drains my willpower. I am subconsciously replenishing my mental reserves by drinking a local brand of Coke. Bad for my heath, a cheat. A quick fix. But i don't feel like tacking the healthy lifestyle now. Another thing in the todo list. Another battle to fight. But not here and now. My experience has taught me to conserve my strength. Not to take too much or else everything will fail. My favourite motto from Civ: Do not chase two rabbits; you'll lose them both. Doing the statistics exam I hate, I feel pressure to do some work as I am on homeoffice. One kid needs my attention. Another "distraction". A lot of stress going on, I have many responsibilities. Hell, my health started deteriorating, I need to deal with it too. I have too many things to effectively battle, yet I know quitting gaming will give me energy and time to win the other battles. This is probably the most important battle. I just need to manage other stuff so that it doesn't fall apart and concentrate on this. Oh and a new gf. A lovely woman. However with everything going on, I barely have time to see her once per week. I want spend time with her, but it goes on the expense of other things, especially school. I won't have a free weekend for the next few months, yet I feel like I desperately need a true rest. I have been going on like this for years now, with last two years being crazy with the added studying on university and career change. It's hard to find a solid foothold and strength to reshape my life into something I want to. Sysifos. Constantly exhausted, pushing some boulder up the hill. I wouldn't change my past. I accept what I am. I am a procrestinator, a gamer, an addict. I flee from reality into the pain-free bubble. I thin I learned it in the childhood when my aunts tortured me. I hate myself for being weak and yet I know I have to overcome myself. I despise myself for playing games, but rather than face the pain, the ever grinding responsibilities, I escape. I know I will hate myself for it, but I often turn on the game, get a beer and cut myself from the reality. Rationally I know I am just making things worse since they clump up and it will be harder to deal with them later - and I will have to deal with them, face them, they won't go away by themselves. But that's not how it works. Just realizing how things are doesn't make them go away. I need to put in effort. In a world where I feel almost everything is a bleak grind, there is only one shining isle of happiness. One oasis where I am free. Gaming. Preferably drunk. Hell, I don't even like the alcohol anymore. I just do it. And now I call this only place a crutch - which I know to be true - and give it up. What will remain? No happiness. Just duty and doing stuff I don't want but is expected. Giving up the only thing that I "love" in this world. Rationally I know this to be false, but that's now how it works with addiction and love. It's not even midday and I have many duties to fulfill. Somewhere along the way I need to find the strength to win some of the hardest battles in my life. I think Robbins. How in his book he gradually comes to the point where the biggest and most powerful way to change my life is to become inside what I want to be. From this new identity effects will ripple outside and the result will be the life I want. So I need to convince myself I have already quit the gaming and experience the state. That is how you draw miracles. That is how you change your life. I am tired. A few hours have passed. This is the easy part. Worse will come later on. With mental reserves depleted and bad habits kicking in, the real battle will come in the evening. For now, i conserve my strength and hope this journal will somehow be a step in the right direction. Something that will help me overcome the part I hate about myself and become what I feel I can be. 11: Fought off craving for playing Distant Worlds: Universe I bought yesterday. It's exactly the kind of games I love. Deep, complex. Easy to get lost in. And supposedly really briliant. Reminds me of Space Empires and it's compared to Stellaris. Need to focus. Edited March 14, 2022 by Sowelu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!Register a new account
Already have an account? Sign in here.Sign In Now