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nethernox

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  1. Stream-of-Consciousness post: I don't know what support I'm looking for exactly, just wondering if anyone can relate to my experience (as I perceive it) - I've had lifelong sleep apnea, anxiety/depression to accompany it (since I'm basically a sleep-deprived zombie). Gaming since young with not much regulation, so that's definitely not helped things, because I was also not able to study anyway (due to drowsiness from the sleep apnea, the hyper-stimulation of games). I've fucked up my eyes/shoulder bc of lack of even the awareness of proper ergonomics, that I don't know if quitting PC use for a while is what's needed. I'm pretty sure deleting Epic/Steam is the right move for me, but I'm struggling with the "urge to distraction", whether that is social media, anime, reading LNs... so I'm wondering if the solution is full tech cold turkey. Idk what to do to get my brain to "baseline", since it's starting to feel like there never was a baseline before. Not sure how to get back since it feels like I've ruined my life/body. I have been centering my life around gym for 4-5yrs now, and ppl are complimenting me on physical gains, really trying to internalise that, but frustrated since it seems like other ppl experience that "boost" much more apparently? Mentally, I still feel like I'm doing poorly (struggling with daily maintenance tasks, cleaning my room, general malaise). Still feel like a disassociated zombie inside, struggling to find activities that "bring joy"? like maybe listening to lo-fi helps. Idk if this is major depression or burnout or chronic fatigue. Medication seems to have made things a lot worse too. It's really tangled up. I'm hoping things improve once I can definitively say for sure that the sleep apnea issue is "resolved", but I don't even have a lot of trust in the medical side of things. Hard not to feel bitter about circumstances that went undiagnosed my entire life, and not knowing if I'm pushing myself into worse fatigue even as I try to "live healthier"... so the temptation to slide back into games and let go seems to always be there.
  2. Heya all. Entry 1, hopefully more to come... I really need to build up my "commitment to things" energy. I've been (loosely?) weaning off games for about the past month, deleted Steam and Epic. I don't really know how to count that, but it's still a win for gaming less. I felt inspired to write this post bc I made the decision to cancel my Darktide preorder (which I rationalised as a "last game I'll ever buy"), but upon reflection, realise that regardless of whether it's a universe that I love, or that Jesper Kyd is composing the music, and how immersive the experience would be, I realised - that's the trap. It's absolutely not worth janking up my mouse shoulder more and making me a more miserable person 24/7. I'm still struggling with filling up my time with other productive(?) activities though, it feels like everything is a timesink or distraction - Netflix, Youtube, etc. Are watching documentaries on Curiosity/Nebula 'better' distractions? I struggle with low-energy and end up gravitating to Youtube/Social Media since I feel like I literally don't have the brain capacity for anything else, since I'm struggling with chronic fatigue/sleep apnea, so I'm hoping this dopamine detox will help in some form. Been sticking to my gym, morning meditation, and walking a lot. Sure wish I could move forward in other areas though, like organisation and journalling.
  3. Honestly, idk what to say. This is really difficult to write as I'm perpetually in a depressive pain fog. I feel like I don't relate to a lot of the sharing here about playing 10+hrs bc I've never had the energy for that. I'm trying to quit gaming bc I feel that years of over-usage of the mouse/poor ergonomics? has severely fucked up my shoulder that I'm contemplating whether it's best to just quit using the PC for good. Not sure if anyone else suffers from severe physical chronic pain here, or how to break out of it. I struggle to relate to a lot of what Cam is saying because of this crippling physical pain. I played most of the games y'all have, I used to enjoy old-school RPGs (grew up on Fallout 1/2) but now I feel like I don't even have the capacity to do that, or to enjoy anything. I'm just miserable and in pain all the time. I do still play games on mobile though, though I don't even feel like I have much energy for that too. I play Horus Heresy: Legions casually, but it's a constant struggle to "play for enjoyment/not caring about winning or losing" (which I think I do mostly), vs "chasing the meta". I have been going to the gym pretty religiously for 2-3 years now, but I still game on my down-time. I want to get reading done, but I can't, I just don't feel like I have any focus after spending it all in the gym. I have been trying to walk more, not sure how much it's helping as I live in a city-state (SG) where it's difficult to get in-tune with nature. This is another factor in being introverted and sinking into gaming. I quit Humble Bundle recently, but Planet Zoo (Zoo Tycoon anyone?) released and I relapsed(?). After trying it out I just felt like I was hurting my thumb/wrist/shoulder more (bc that game is clunkily designed as hell), I just had a "I'm done" moment. I've considered migrating to mouseless/consoles bc of this pain, but I haven't even committed to that (lol). I'm tired of seeking distractions. Porn is another issue but idk how to untangle that (bc Christian repression). I don't want to rely on these things to escape pain. I want to be better, someone who reads more and meditates more, and isn't crippled by pain and eco-anxiety about everything wrong in this world. Hell, I'd settle for getting my room under control.
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